Over there we are getting excited. Where is this even? What do you mean? Where is this?
What? On a lovely country road. I like it. On a lovely country road.
We're nearly at the station and I'm excited. What is this all about anyway? What the fuck am I? We want a competition.
I didn't want to get up this early. I was working last night and hung over. You're always hung over. You're always hung over and drunk and you stink.
You're hung over and you stink. You have a drunk problem. You're drunk and you stink. You have a drunk problem and you don't like money.
Is this how kind of intervention can you just tell me now? It's fucking intervention. We want a competition. We want a competition.
We want a best podcast ever in summer. You know it's just someone. Sorry. Sorry?
I've got a let me as per. Let's be clear. What's going on? Why am I on this country road with you walking towards an up to your train station?
Well this is what we call exposition. So here we go. I've got to let them near the post. Congratulations Paul and Ellie.
You have won an all expenses trip on the cheap eets express. So can I get me to refine my fucking train tickets to rexon? Why did you go to rexon? To come out here.
Come out here. Let me just tell you. Where are we? Run from here.
Let's not go here. We go to go to go. You've won a competition ever. It's podcast ever from the United Kingdom podcast initiation award and it says you remember that.
I won't. Two tickets for what? Two tickets to go on the cheap pizza. It's leaving from little people on the wall station.
We're not in pit little people on the wall yet. No, we have to go out the main station, didn't we? Walk. This is craft and volley.
Well, we've walked from Croft and volley and I didn't like Croft and volley. No bad vibe. That's we tried. Did you see that rabbit course?
Yeah. I've tried it. I've tried it. Croft and volley.
I'll be glad to see the back of the fucking rabbit. We're not in craft and volley anyway. Look. That's a broke the law.
I shouldn't have thought that rabbit. No, you shouldn't have thought that rabbit. No, you shouldn't have. We just came from Croft and volley.
Yeah. But what's that number for that? Spats. Yeah.
And then there's spats on the Y. Yeah. And then there's skrulkin blog. No.
No, no. No, no. That's very bad. Yeah.
But then there's truffle. Truffle. It was a little place. Truffle's nice.
Truffle has charm. Yeah, I like truffle. What was that? It was a suburb of truffle.
It was called no. It was called Canton Funk. You know, when Porti said he's a band. Oh, C O N, Canton Funk.
No, Canton Funk. You're pronounce it wrong. It was Canton Funk. Where are we now anyway?
Well, nearly at the station anyway. We've got another couple of feet to go. I believe the station is down the corner. That's what my Google phones tell me anyway.
Hopped and trough. Anymore. Clack home, Van. I'm not done.
Go on. Our little village is like a little village is. I love little places. Choggy, chog, chog.
Choggy, chog, chog. Choggy, chog. Yeah. So what?
We've won a competition. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to go on an all expenses trip. And where's the, what village are we men and be getting the train in again?
Well, this is a little piddle on the wall. Oh, here it is. Oh, there you go. See, there's the station.
It just seems to be just the station, doesn't it? Well, I think it is just the station. I just think that's all the station is. Oh, it's a bit eerie out here, isn't it?
There's a little man over there. Little man. Can you help us? Is this the station for a little piddle on the wall?
Yeah. Oh, that's what you're doing for a character. Shut up, it's a minor character. You have to fuck off.
He's a grumbly little man. It's weird. Oh, look, here comes the vicar. Oh, hello, vicar.
Hello, boys. What are you doing out here? We just, we want a competition. We're getting on the cheap pizza.
Yeah, we're just getting on this. Yeah, we're just getting on this. Cheap pizza. Cheap pizza.
Express. No, we're not. Hashtag not spawned. We've been told to come to this station for the cheap pizza.
Does it come through here? I believe so. But beware. Beware of what, vicar?
Sorry? Beware of the curse of the cheap pizza express. Ah, I see. I'm the nose.
It's a curse. The train is cursed, is it? Or murder. It might be murder.
Oh, my God. God bless you. I'm flying. I'm flying.
Wow. What if he goes? He's off into the sky. He's in a priest's flag.
He has some big brains on those. Nice, nice, nice, uh, nice, uh, all-in-in-branes. They were all-in-branes. Fucking hell.
Oh. Oh, feel it. Vembrane. Vicar.
Filly-tant membrane. Oh, oh. He might be your brand new favourite character. No, he wasn't very good.
No, he wasn't very good. No, he was. No, he was. No, he was.
No, he was. No, he was. No, he was. No, he was.
No, he was. That's what he was saying. The train is now approaching. Oh, you can understand him, could you?
It's very teeny, Turnoy. Oh, no, no, no. Look at that small board. Right, here we go.
Wow, here we go. I hope there's some good food. It is a cheap-beats express. Yes, I hope they have a shop on board.
Did they say they've got to give us some food? Or what's going on? No, no. It doesn't say much more than what the destination is, Paul.
We have to come back some fucking little pittling to go home. I know what that's a good point. It's like... Oh, this is a bit like an old-school train, isn't it?
Get the fuck on wax. We're going to party town. Okay. All right, come on.
Let's get on the train. Did you bring your bags? Yeah? Great.
All right cool. We'll get All right, come on. All right, what are you doing? What is your penis out now?
Oh, cuz I'm fucking jacking on the station. I know I'm gonna be fucking, you know, you don't want to be fucking, you know, leaking. Leaking. Jizz whiz.
Well, it depends on what happens. Well, I just want to get it out now. Come on, you two. Get the fuck on this train now.
I'm about to pull out. Sorry. As the bishop said to be quiet. I'm like, I'm like, a very fucking boxer flying, Bishop.
All right. No, he's a micker. Oh, I think I wasn't there when the scene happens. Okay.
In the logic of this film. I'm getting on the fucking train. All right. Let's get on.
Oh, it's very nice train. It's very nice train. I'm surprised. Look at the lever finish.
You can hear the train. Oh, this is it. I know the cheap pizza train. I've heard about this train, but I've never got the chance to go.
Yeah, it's amazing. It's lovely in here, it's very, like a brass flitting. It's called cheap pizza. It looks like it's lavish summer.
Yeah. It's no money on it. Yeah, all the leathers on the walls and the brass fittings. That new car smell.
It's nice. But it's new train. Yeah, it's an old train. It's a new old train smell.
It's a new train. Old train. Smell train. Yeah.
What? Can I have my ticket, please? Yeah, here you go. Fucking daddy Paul.
Daddy Paul. Do you have my own ticket? Look after tickets. Daddy Paul.
Do you think that is better? No. What's that word? Daddy Paul.
Better is better. Better is better. Paul. Better is better.
Can we step outside the imaginary podcast? No. We're saying the narrative thrust of this story. Don't, can I just say one little note.
Yeah, I got it. Because we could do lots of characters in this particular episode. Yeah. Don't invent another character.
Would I just say daddy Paul? Daddy Paul. Daddy Paul. Daddy Paul.
Go away. Can't stop inventing something. Oh, he's got off the seat. Oh, he's got off the seat.
Oh, fuck. That's two new characters. Yeah. What about grumpy little man from piss on the world?
Where are they? Right. What's your seat number? There isn't one.
It's just no reservations. We can sit anywhere we like. Hey, you do. I want to punch your ticket.
Yeah, I said. So you're going to do some of my part time work. Are you charity shop? Wait.
And I want to suck your car. Excellent. Right. So what?
I thought you were just hanging around in terms of what you're doing here. Well, I must admit I needed the money. Okay. So you're doing a bit of ticket collecting on trains.
Yeah. It's a cushy job. Okay. Well, we've got our tickets.
Here's mine. Ah, now I want to look at your ticket. I want to stamp your ticket. Okay.
And then Eli, what do you think I want to do next? You probably want to suck my car. Oh, I want to suck your car. Okay.
Good. Could you try maybe changing that up a bit? I'll try changing that up a bit. Maybe saying, um, I've answered Josh.
Oh, I'll take notes. Well, where do we sit? These tickets just say one like it's a fun fair. Yeah.
It's weird. So where do we sit? Well, you'll sit. Ah, yes.
I think I know where to take you. Okay. Can you follow me through here? We have two ways to fucking go, isn't it?
Because we're on the train. So we could have worked it out. They're only two ways to follow this fucking weird vampire guy around. Because he seems to know what he's doing.
And if he knows what we're going to sit with, that's just follow us. He's made over chores. Over chores? Yes.
What's that mean? He's made implications to what? I don't know. I want the soccer car.
Yes. That is that, Paul. That's what I'm talking about. It's not an implication.
No. Okay. It's an out-and-night statement. It's a reality.
I want to suck your chob. Sup your chode. Yeah. That's a chob.
I brag off. No, you can't. Off the things either. They can't.
They can't rush me. You know what? I have to. Weekly.
Job. My knob, a door. Yeah, right. Great.
Sup. My. Yeah. Come on.
Cherry shop vampire. We're sick of this. Follow me. We're going to have to go through first.
It's a starting, Paul. Oh, wait. I'm at my class. No, no.
He says we have to go through. Yeah. You're not in first class, my friends. No.
We won a competition. Paul, why aren't we in first class with the best part? I don't know. I don't know.
Let's just take our seats and then we can think about food and then we can have a ride. Follow me. Oh, this is nice. This is very nice.
Oh, there's a there's a pole dancer there. Sticky Vicky's doing a dance. Sticky Vicky. No.
Sticky Vicky. Yeah. Sticky Vicky. Sticky Vicky.
Sticky Vicky. Oh, Vicky. I don't know why Vicky. There's a bar over there.
That's nice. That's a little bit of a bar. I didn't know you get that in first class. Oh, wait.
Don't look it's him. Oh, rough, rough, rough. Oh, I said, it's can't be sexual harassment. If you if I page it, I mean, can't get it, you know, I mean, car rough rough rough.
Hello, Mr. Brandoff. Oh, hello, Paul. Oh, he like there you are.
Hello. Good to see you young son of mine. He's your son. No.
Is that you part development? He's not. No. No.
I just like saying, you know, rough, rough, rough, son of mine. Just have more respect for you like the new ball. I'm sorry. Great.
So what you doing on this? Quite left leaning. To be honest. Well, I'm here with my clients.
Oh, shit. He got dirty with them. I don't know. Hi.
Why is everyone on this trail? You know, it's three pieces of espresso. I always travel on it. I'm, you know, it's luxury.
Where's the strango? It goes to, uh, yeah. I don't know. I get on a mountaint.
Oh, of course. I've got my own personal little station built into the mountain. Well, I've got a lot of prints. Yeah.
But anyway, I was thinking I'm from a good bit dirty. I like something like I've been like dropping bars and I heard, you know, like dropping balls in your head. Right. So it's like a tina saucer marsh spaghetti.
Something like that. Yeah. It's quite nice. It's cleaner than usual.
You need to say the word for Georgia, I think. Don't, don't barge me. I'll kick you in your for dodgy. I'll tell you.
You can suck the sauce right off the master. I got it. This is still a horrible kind. I just don't like it.
I'm trying. Yeah. So I've got about got by faster. See you like.
Yeah. I don't know. Why is that? Oh, I just have a bit star struck actually Paul.
Look, he's got great lyrics. No, he doesn't have fucking great lyrics. No. Thank you, Mr Yeti.
Good to see you. So why is why why you both on this train there? Well, I'm not. I own this train.
Oh, do you? Yes. I thought you did. You did your rail train lines in the 90s.
I kept this one and my personal portfolio. But why are you a tignette though? Well, you don't often work together, do you? Well, I've recently taken on some management roles in the music industry.
Oh, really? Tignette is a rising star as well as an established brand. Oh, oh, yes, Carol. Yes, Carol.
Do you want what I'm doing? I know I do want something, Carol. Yes, we want. Shut up.
Shut up. Am I still fired? You are completely fired forever. Internally fired.
Yeah, I'm not even very good at cameos. Yeah, not. Bye. Anyway, so, you know, just trying to...
I just wanted to be fair, I just wanted to do a character. Because it's thought cute with the moment. Oh, well, yeah, I'm tigner. So, you know, so let me get this straight.
He is now representing you, Tignette. Yes, it's good. I'm on the brand off Interprizes label now. You know, he can put out, he's got good market access to the United States market.
Been trying to, you know, move in there, try to get some guest spots and singers. Oh, I'm checking on the wanker. Oh, oh, God, no. Oh, Christ.
Oh, who's this? Who's this? Who's this, Harry? Oh, it's me.
I've been less than Sasquat. I'm also in first class. Oh. I'm also dropping a track.
Oh, yeah. I've got big bars. You haven't got... I've got big bars.
You haven't got bars to drop. You haven't got big bars. You haven't got big bars. You haven't got big bars.
I'll show you my big bars. I'll show you everything you know. Yes, you are me three years ago. Oh.
You are. Oh. Your hair is not sweaty and your wagging up have no consistency. Oh, well, here we go.
You poo balls don't dry out in a wing like a proper, will you? Oh, his rhymes are weak. Just like spaghetti. He's the name is teeny actually.
Now listen, you... That's what I say. Ruff ruff ruff ruff. Listen, ruff.
Listen, look, this is a private train. I don't want to be here too. I also have a record deal. No, you don't have to hop off.
You better stop. I'm going to get security. My own personal militia in here. Can we get out of here quick?
Yeah, let's just stop doing my... Oh, no, look, there's that fucking guy coming down now. Shit, I'm going to get out of the way. This is fucking me.
This is the other way. You thought you'll get out of this garbage. OK, I'm here. What seems to be the problem is the bread off.
Well, actually, I'm being oppressed by the prof. Now, you must... Oh, you can't say nothing, can't it? Freddy, just get ready.
Guess what? You're all going to pay. No, you're losing the mood. When my track drops.
No, you're losing the mood. You're losing the mood. You're losing the mood. I'm here ball.
Just so you know, when my light is hit drops, you're all going to pay. Now, you're losing the mood. Now, you're going to be a hot track. Now, I'm not a fan of my nature, but I do have deep needs.
Oh, oh. I've got needs in me. Yeah. And you met Ben and go.
I'm kicking you off the train. Oh. And then this station. Are you current, possibly?
I just have one other thing to say right now. Oh. My asshole. Here we go.
This is what you're waiting for, ladies and gentlemen. Hold on, so I go in there. We're getting there. Here we go.
My asshole. Winking. Oh. But it's a version.
Winking. I've got a winking back passage. Oh. I've got a winking back passage.
I went through that village. Yes. Winking. Winking.
And it's kissing the fur. My winky assholes kissing my panties. Whatever you guys are doing, can mean you like us go through, please? Because this is all.
You must listen to this. I've got them denim rubber up so bad in my downstairs quarters. I've got the nips on a chaff, chaff. Can you just say you fucking catch phrase?
Everyone's there, right? You know what? I'm pretty cool. And I'm hoarding the downstairs area.
Hey, you're on the well now. You come along. You're a little monkey. Snort?
I shall go and have my own course. Snort? I'll be violent. Snort?
I'll pride you in the eyes with my chaff holes. Just so you know, I'm also hard downstairs as well. But with superior intellect. Snort.
I'm going. Don't worry. I'm going. I better go.
Don't make me get violent. All right, he's gone. We fucking go. He's gone, Mr.
Brown off. Run, run, run. Yes. Follow me, boys.
Follow me. Oh, thank God. I hate that fucking little fucker. I've all shook up.
I'm trying to like, literally, on a train. Mr. Brown off. I've forgotten me, please.
Ah, fucking woman. Follow me, boys. Follow me, through all balls. Stand up, class.
OK, I've got it. Oh, that was a little bit contentious. I didn't like the tone in there, mate. What's going on?
I thought it was going to be nice little trip, trip, trip, trip. Can you trip? I've forgotten the word. That's going to be a little trip.
Just solitary quiet. I didn't know what to expect. It sounds very suspicious. Bit sort of intense, mate.
Anyway, let's go through to stand the clock. OK, God. What is that? Is that spot?
Ah, there seems to be spot. I recognize the smell of spot. Mate, it's dried, though. It's like a snails or crumbly.
It's crumbly, spots. Crumbly, bumble, spot. I like this to be all over. This is, go.
This is under class. Must be. This is a mark down, isn't it? It's from the first class.
It's like the opposite. Stinks in here, though. Stinks in here. Yeah, we established that.
It's crumbly. It's like the House of Pickles became a train carriage. It's gross. Oh, God.
You can say, oh, God. Look at all the crumpy sessions, though. Poor bastard. These sessions.
Yeah. Say hello. Say hello, too. Hello.
And now in the show, we cut to the moment. We like to call the Hall of Elies. He goes through a cornucopia of his character. So here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
Have fun. Hello, Mr. Sessions. Oh, hello.
Yes. Hi, young Joe. Oh, it's exciting. I call me up yesterday and say, oh, Mr.
Sessions. I thought, oh, is this some work? Wow, is it going to be some work for me? Well, they said, you know, just appear as yourself.
It's not very often that happens. You know, once appeared with my mother, I was a school of fate. And she invited me along with her. She had some jam.
And I was in coattails. It was actually underneath her dress, really. And it was all powdery. There you go.
You broke. Under that about 30, 40 seconds. Nice. Hold on.
He's gone. Those are gentlemen. He's gone. The Hall of Elies has already broken.
It's already gone. It's fine. Is it? It's fine.
Yeah. I'm just fine. Just cut that out. No, it's at the kid's skin.
Stay in the picture. No, no. Yeah. Anyway, you guys went grumpy.
It was very old, my memories. And my mother seemed to have been voted powder. Powder! That mean!
Chalk. And I don't know. I'm free associating now. How's Grumpy Sessions?
You know, so what you doing on this train? I'm just going along with Grumpy. Oh, Grumpy Sessions is not really a main player in anything anymore. Oh, that's a shame Grumpy Sessions.
I thought you were nice. I thought you were nice. I thought you were nice. I thought you were doing that popular with her.
I thought you were doing that popularly with her. That's a suss watch. Oh, yeah, there was that. It was only mine a role.
You know, I just saw it. Oh, he told me it was going to be a much bigger role. I was going to get a chalk fairy. Oh, that's a great track of it, chalk fairy.
No, no, no. It was really, really, really, really, really, this music too new for me. I like it. I like it.
I like it. Nice easy listening out. My mother. My mother used to listen.
Have we done another this character? No, no, no. For something else to say, I'm going to be session. OK.