Who? Who? Come on! You know what?
Already I've regretted putting the video on for this episode recording. No, come on! I haven't... It's like seeing your face on your record.
Good. Yeah, nice seeing you as well. I'm not actually looking at you. I'm looking at you.
I'm wanking as I do. It's like Eli Silverman's only fan site. Listen, you don't have to do wagging on only fans I discovered. I know, but you do.
Alright, so it's not only for a wanking then. It's like a Patreon video service sort of thing, right? Yeah, I guess. I don't know.
I just know that I go there for a proper good grumbling. My favourite account at the moment... Are you not joking about this? No, my favourite account at the moment is...
It's a weird name. It's just called Wide Gloria. Really? You're not joking, are you?
I don't know. Wide Gloria. And then there's another one I go into called Hollow Bob. Hello Bob, and it's there.
Hollow Bob has a very interesting... I don't know what you want to call it. Part of the favourite trick, but he can put a whole massive bottle of Jack Daniels. Right up his arse...
What about a melon? No. And then what he does is he gets another Jack Daniels bottle and he drinks it down his mouth. He drinks it down his mouth.
He just drinks it down his mouth. He drinks it down his mouth. And then it goes all the way down and fills up the bottle. That's...
he's inserted inside of him. You could put a bottle of Jack Daniels in a melon by pouring it in a hole in a melon. Then you could fuck the hole quickly, just quickly whilst you're in the process, you know. And then...
What process? What process? You're just about to put Jack Daniels filled melon up your bum. Oh, it goes up your bum.
So you fuck it first. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you.
And a fucking noodle posse. Cheap Show, you're gonna have to learn the fucking exact. Cheap Show. Cheap Show.
It's the price of shine. All Ganon. He likes to sell for them. And a girl with no nuzzle.
One of our finest starts. I think it was. Oh, I didn't think it was. I was gonna be all high tempo.
And you just went straight to the... Oh, what's happening here? Eli Silverman. Hello, Eli Silverman.
All right. Do you like high tempo Eli Silverman? Hello, what's coming up with the Shiles Chimp Show? Hello.
Today Eli. Oh, we got a little dive into a post box to pull out a tail from the shop floor. And finally, I believe you've arranged a nice election of platters. I certainly have three separate platters.
Little bit of a deep dive. It's on Silverman's platters. Hey, did you hear someone posted on Twitter saying they were listening to Steve Wright in the afternoon, which already makes me doubt their sanity. But they were listening.
And Steve Wright, who we've featured on the show before with his quote unquote music, he said they're gonna splatter the platters that matter. Yes, I mean, it's, I think that even is probably not even him. That goes back to like people like Wolfman Jack or whatever. You know, those faners, Robin Roldy, just did he say splatter though?
You're saying he's in league with Edmonds and he's nicking stuff from cheap stuff. I'm saying this goes right to the top. I'm saying this goes way beyond Noel. Are we through the looking glass here though?
I mean, Noel is just a patty for the Steve Wright. It's conglomerate. I wouldn't be surprised if Noel turned out to be like an android. Steve Wright built at the height of his powers back in the early 80s.
Well, it's not just him. Maybe it's the whole like entertainment industry. Well, no, radio DJ specifically. They're all robots controlled by Steve Wright.
I've run been to Wright. Makes so much more sense now. It's a little bit about it. It's a little bit about it.
Kenny Everett broke the rules to Steve Wright had of dismantled. Yes. And that's where he learned the technique of building a convincing breakfast show presenter. A lot of it is about 50% facial hair, isn't it?
Yeah. You've got to get the facial hair algorithm. And his masterpiece must be Edmonds. The facial hair algorithm on that robot is just beautiful.
Exactly. Or inspiring piece of coding from Steve Wright in his master lab. The rumor though is that before Edmonds, the first prototype was the DLT-45. Yeah, that went rogue.
That went rogue. No fucking shit, it went rogue. We read that. And of course we all know what happened to Savilebod.
We read that interview with DLT 3000, didn't we? He was obviously already a comedian. He thought he was a comedian. He had his programs were wrong, weren't they?
So we now have to focus all our attention on Steve Wright. Because he's been quite sitting at the sidelines like a Machiavellian wall or like the Wizard of Oz, the guy behind the curtain, isn't it? Yeah. So watch out, Wrighty.
We're coming for you. If you do like a TV show, he doesn't do TV anymore. He never really was a TV presenter. I don't think he ever really had a good whack in the video.
I'm sure he tried. He's definitely appeared on TV quite a lot. But yeah, I don't know about it. He's definitely presented some kind of quiz show.
Are you drinking booze? You're on the booze. No, I'm not. It's side up.
You've swapped drive with preference in lockdown, because of availability, haven't you? You're hammering the booze. No idea how tough it is on the inside. So, how are you?
I'm not too glad you know. I am actually losing my mind, but apart from that, not too bad. Yeah. Also at that point where it's like, my first thought of the day is, what's the point?
Yeah. And then it's followed by, how much time can I kill it until I have a bath? Yeah. I literally wake up, have a cup of tea, eat two or three chocolate bars, and then go back to sleep for three hours.
Is that healthy? Is that healthy? No. It's not.
It's almost prison. I'm looking went into chocolate though. Wow. I know you said that last week, you said you've had a kind of chocolate on.
I tell you what, Ritter Sport Paul, wow, they do so many varieties. So many. Well, Jacob's crackers are also a fine biscuit. Shut up.
No, listen, what? You've been getting into Jacobs? They do nothing. I was making a piss poor joke about the idea that you're in the pocket of Ritter's, and I'm in the pocket of Jacobs.
I'd rather be in Ritter's pocket. I think you'd be right. I think I'd rather be in Ritter's. Ritter's shitter.
I was going to say something, but that works better. About nudging Ritter's helmet. Warmly. You're right, not the Ritter.
That's like Ritter Sport. That would be a good bit of company rhyming slang. I tell you what, she'd have been a Ritter Sport. Why is it called Ritter Sport?
That's like calling, you know, Crisps, Active, Cheese and Onion or something. You know, like, it's like calling something Exercides Burger or something like that. Yeah, Exercides Burger. Yeah, they do very good ones.
I had a strawberry yogurt one, and I had a bucket of biscuit. I might mention that before one. That was extremely good. Yeah.
And I'm sorry. Yeah, you have. I'm sorry. Boring.
Boring. Boring. Let me just say one thing. The delay is much better on Zoom.
Well, the weird thing is, this is a bit of the kind of how the sausage is made, but when I edit, that's perfectly fine analogy. Why is that funny? Because you never said that. I've known you for years.
This is a bit of a how the sausage is made. And exact. Well, tell me. Tell me.
Sorry. I'll stop interrupting it. So I got an email today through the website, the cheapshotco.uk, but you can also email us at thecheapshotmail.com. However, this email is for you, E-like.
Oh, of course. And the subject matter says, E-like. No. You fucking name shame it.
Oh, no. What have you done now? Let's find out. Recently, I had been going through the back catalogue of cheapshow episodes and found something so deeply offensive.
No, why? I just couldn't have to write in. I'm looking at his face, and he does look perturbed, ladies and gentlemen, perturbed. In episode 125, the human lavatory, Paul creates a throwaway character called Alan Stiff Stiff.
E-like then rips into Paul for his shambolic lack of creative prowess when creating his character names. The argument E-like made was that Paul uses random stupid words that aren't even names and then doubles them up. This time, E-like, you are wrong. Stiff is my real name.
It's my fucking name. It's what I sit here, brokenhearted, at the noodle king, sat high upon his throat of grotty, unwashed underwear, sees fit to strip my name of legitimacy. His name's Rob Stiff. Rob Stiff.
Well, it's, uh, I'm sorry. Sorry, Rob. Is anything you'd like to say in response? It doesn't appear, it's not a name I'll come across.
I haven't come across a Stiff. It doesn't work. Right, at the end of that segment, let's catch the show going. Sadly, Edgar's point of the show, E-like's computer failed him and we lost a segment, which is bad.
Luckily, we had a backup recording, which is good. However, it's off zoom, which is bad. But it's not too awful quality, which is good. So we have to use it, which is bad.
Wizard's good, which is bad. Ha, ha, ha. I made it funny. Anyway, it's only for the next 20 or so minutes of the podcast.
You can cope with that on with the show. All right, ladies and gentlemen, all these are girls. Before we get up to the next section, I've got a brand new character. Are you guys going to see you now on the camera screen, especially on zoom?
Here we go. Oh, uh. Who's this? Who's this, Mr.
Silver? Fuck. It's, uh, Dickhead Crocodile. His name is Cocky Crocodile.
Okay. I'm there good at sports. I'm there good at eggs. I'm there good at drinking.
I'm there good at eating. And who owns you? Are you a wild, are you a free crocodile? I am a free crocodile.
Okay. What'd you get up to? Just sell the audience. You know, I got some back story.
I don't want to both. I'm the best at riding the bike. I'm the best at climbing them out in the best. I'll see.
I'm the best at Comair. You're cocky. All right. That's right.
I'm cocky. I'm the best at sweeping clothes. I'm the best at swimming. I'm the best.
Right. That's sucking cock. I'm the very best at sucking cock. That's what I want to hear.
It's that time. It's a fork. It's a fork. I'm the best at fighting.
I'm the best at anal. I'm the best at... Yeah. I think...
I'm just the best. I'm Brian cocky. Oh, cocky. I think one of the other characters might have something to say about being the best at a certain thing.
Because I think one of the other characters... I'm the best at wrapping. Are you? Oh, is he the best at giving a certain amount of space?
A portion in space, pal, parcels out in a vigorous manner. The best at itching. I'm the best at itching. Right.
I'm going to get him. Wait. Oh, no. Who's there?
Steve, no need, ah. I'm the best at eating. What's all this then? I'm the officer.
Keep it in check. Officer, keep it in check. No, I'm the best at itching. No, I'm the best at itching.
No, you're the best at itching. Yeah. What's all this then? I'm the best at itching.
I'm the best at itching. Go back to the anti-chamber. Okay. Here he is.
Where's your cocky crocodile? Because I've got a best at... Cock a dial. Right.
I'm the best at eating. I'm the best at eating. What's all this then? I've got somebody who wants to talk to the cocky crocodile.
Who's there? Hey, what do you do? I am policeman keeping in check. Put the cocky dial on.
Hello. Right. Who's there? What's it?
You're good at it, just... Yeah? Ah, the best at it, just... Right.
I don't think you are. I'll give you... Right. Give me the...
Now. Itch. Very bad. I'll give you an itch.
Do you want to numb up? No. I can't do it. I'm on the best at itching.
I'm not the best at itching. You love it. No, you're not. Itch.
That looks like... Itch. Now they nailed it. I'm going to cart you away, Mr.
Cocky Cocky. Cocky, for making those assertions. Off you'll go with me. Neenah, Neenah, Neenah.
What crazy characters? Cocky Crocodile and Larry's Menkeeper in check. Larry, are you okay? Larry?
Larry? Interlands out of turn. Uncle Larry. What's happening to him?
He's a name Larry. Yeah, he's a Larry instrument. Yeah. He's on the floor.
I don't know what. Larry? He's... He's...
He's... He's... Are you telling me that? Inch Man's had a stroke?
He's... He's... He's still had some kind of funny turn. He's all right.
You're right, Larry. He's all right. Now we just let yourself into the anti-chamber. Sorry, I let you down.
Inch. That's what I was talking about. That was a terrible character. Now that we've killed five minutes, let's crack off with the show.
Okay. What we got? You got a PO box and we have a letter. And it's both a bit of cheap eats and it's a little bit of a...
a little bit of what it's a mochtlier tells from the shop floor. Shall I read that letter? Read that letter. To the most gracious, reverent and distinguished Eli Silverman.
And his note worthy care in the community assistant Paul Ganon. What does he mean? He means you're mad or I'm mad. That means he says you're a classy gent and I am a...
care in the community's assistance. Yeah, but that implies that I'm the care in the community guy that you're careable. Oh. Well, mate, what's your name?
I need to beat this up. His name's Chris. Chris, you are going to have to work on your metaphors. It's not clear, is it?
I mean, a whole bit about me being a gentleman. It's fine, but then... Yeah. Let's just rephrase it to Eli and Paul.
Hello. Hello. The good lady and I fully enjoy the podcast. What's her name?
Good lady. What's the good lady? How's she? Good.
Yeah, what was she good? She's good. The good lady. The good lady.
What mother Teresa? Could be. Could be Virgin Mary. Oh, it's nice to go.
Yeah, could be. Lating for as nice to go. Lynn Foltwood. Well, that's her.
Esther Rundsterns. Good. Yes. She could chop down on a cock, , didn't she, Esther?
Right. Well, great. Imagine those teeth. Chomping your helmet.
I'd be like, no Esther. I am better than Esther. I am better than Esther. Oh, quick.
No, cocky crocodile. Naughty cocky crocodile. Good lady. He seems to be arriving in the 1970s.
I know. It's all this. Now, what? Gentlemen of distinguished medics.
Is this from fucking Rees Smalk or something like that? Right. Anyway, I thought we'd enjoy the podcast. I'm wishing to contribute in some small way.
It gives us great pleasure to present. Oh, great pleasure. Well, I'll get the good lady to fall just over. Right.
It gives us great pleasure to present you the gift of sensory arousal in the form of flavoured coffee and chocolate. If he says, oh. I hope you guys can make use of them. Both picked up at home bargains for a quid each.
And I've gone this year. Oh. Look, I've shown it to Eli. Look, those are walkers jelly beans.
Made in Britain. That's not the same walkers, though, is it? No, this is a chocolate walkers of some kind. I've never seen that brand walkers.
Because walkers is what's in that laser known as in the country, as we know. No. What's that half-flag? What are they all different flavours?
I mean, I presume so, because on the back, there is multicoloured. Well, I'll show you. Look, there's multicoloured jelly beans. But they've all got a little bit of chocolate on, but it all looks as a result like they just like, still have a bit of a shit on their heads.
Can you see that? Can you see it? Ah, it looks like someone's pooed on a dildo. And look, it looks like someone's used a dildo for rear entry.
And it's come away with a little present. And didn't know that dildo had sentience. Poor dildo. Sentience shittestain dildo.
Oh, it smells like chocolate and cheap sugar. Can I just say? Can I just ask, Paul, what is this meant to be? Chocolate covered jelly beans?
Chocolate covered jelly beans. That's a monstrosity and the aberration that should never have left the committee. They're big old beans though. Look at that.
Ah, it's a chunky, chunky bean, yeah. It's a big chunky bean. And look, what am I doing? Give it a flick.
LAUGHTER Oh, oh. I tell you what you like. I would just lick the bean to start before I er. I don't ever view because these sounds disgusting, mate.
They sound disgusting. I'm just looking to be lightly at first. I'll just eat the flapping bean. I just lick it.
And then a little bit more pressure. And a little quicker. Just to get the chocolate off. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. I'm going to piss in your mouth. Oh, oh, oh.
I'm going to urinating. Right. That is truly disgusting. I'm telling the video off.
Right. I'm just going to see you filating a mini-scale bean. Right. I'm going to eat it and bite it off.
I can get on with it. Oh, god. LAUGHTER It's coming that fast. It's a lime jelly bean with sheet chocolate all over it.
I'm not happy with that. Really? Really bad. LAUGHTER Stop.
You're just doing that for show now. A lot. LAUGHTER I'm trying to swallow it. It's not going down.
So, it's got me to test another one. See if there's any different flavours. Yeah. Try to vomit though.
It's the next one. Next one. Oh, I'm going to go over it. It tastes like toilet cleaner and chocolate.
OK. So, it's artificial with the chocolate. Oh, come on. Oh, come on.
Well, Paul, I feel left out here. Why don't you want that sensation in your mouth? I don't get it. Right.
Anyway, the other thing you said is this. Beanies. Variety pack of flavoured chocolate. Oh, sorry.
Coffee. Oh, god. They're all full of head, those. Double chocolate gingerbread, nutty hazelnut, very vanilla mint chocolate cinnamon hazelnut.
Which one should I try? They have an Irish one in there. Oh, I didn't see the other side of the pack. Amoretto almonds, Irish cream, creamy caramel, chocolate orange, cookie dough, chocolate, coconut delight.
Go for the Irish cream, please. Do you like that? I'm going to try it. What's fine?
It's got creamy coffee, orange, coconut, Irish cream. Irish cream. Now, I'm going to take a look at the eye prepared, a glass, a flask of hot water. Ah, I'm testing this.
Shake the packet. Now, I'm going to give the powder coffee a half. Well, it smells like Irish cream coffee. What does that mean, though?
Irish coffee is just coffee with whiskey. Yeah. Irish whiskey. Yeah, sugar.
It's all Bailey's and coffee or something. You know what I mean? It depends. Yeah.
Right. This one's got any booze in. No. So, that's what I mean.
What's the taste that makes it Irish? Does it taste like whiskey? What does it taste like? It's that whiskey cream kind of thing.
That almost Malibu kind of thing. Not Malibu, but Bailey's. How do you make something taste to booze, but not have booze? You know what I mean?
Science. I don't know if they can do that. That's why I suppose non-alcoholic beer now, these days. They say it's very good.
Yeah. Wine is... They can't do wine. They still can't do wine.
Good. Right. I'm testing it. I'm still put.
Right. Hot water has been added. Now, when it comes to actually adding the hot water, a lot of the Irish cream smell absolutely disappears. So, what smell is that?
Can I keep coffee and a little bit of cream from Melling? Is it black? There's no cream in the actual... No, I'll show you it.
Look. It looks just like coffee. It's just like coffee, isn't it? I'm gonna have a sip.
No, it's just poor coffee with a slight flavour to it. What's the slight flavour? Well, it is a little bit... It's not even Irish coffee Irish.
It's flavouring. It's more vanilla? Yeah, the nilla, maybe. They're all just vanilla.
There's shit out there. Well, there we go. It's not worth trying to save money on coffee. It's actually not to be fair.
You're right. It's not. I do think the stuff... Maybe we should do that with a brand off.
We should do a coffee off. To you know what, Paul, I'd love to do an off-brand brand off. Or coffee. But, you know, he's on the run.
He's on the run. So you'd have to sort of get in touch with him through one of his networks with an underground instrument. Well, the plan I heard was that we get to go to a place where he chooses and we do it there. Okay.
It might be a warehouse. I'm up for that. So we've got security protocols in place. Yeah, yeah.
I think we'll have to go in the back of the van with the bags on our heads before we get there, but... Yeah. Yeah. It is possible.
Will there be soft nuslage in the sex? Yeah. Will it be? Yeah.
Will it? Yeah. Come on. And what will happen with the nuslage?
It'll go too far, and I'll go. A load of your sticky, sticky essences all over. Oh, God. Like, shitty ginger.
It didn't really make you sick to your throat, that thing, did it? Yes, it did. It was horrible. My body was actively trying to reject it.
See, the idea made me make sense, but... No, it doesn't. No, it could pretend to be... Oh, let me ask you this.
Let me ask you this. Oh, God. Have you had a chocolate flavour with Jelly Belly? Is that a sex act?
No. You know, Jelly Belly's. Yeah, I know Jelly Belly's. I've not had a chocolate covered one.
I have. Not bad. They do chocolate flavoured ones, don't they? Yeah, that's the same.
So it's a chocolate flavoured... I know it's not the same, but it's better. It's a related topic, isn't it? No.
Yeah, that's it. Same related category. Because I asked you, if you had a chocolate covered Jelly Belly, and you went, yeah, and then you went, I can't chocolate flavoured, and it's not the same thing. No, it's not related.
It's like Jason. No, Jason. Yes, they are. Oh, no.
I've said this between saying, your blood is made of chocolate, and then saying, your hand is covered in chocolate. Wow. That didn't work at all. No, it is.
You make that clear, yeah, go. Right, let's carry over Chris's letter, which is now a... From the shop, shop, shop, shop, shop floor floor. OK, give us this.
I'll see if I can predict. Right. It doesn't sound very... There's not much spa, poo, bomb, or peepy in the opening salvo.
But that's fine. We don't want people to think this is an open door for shit stories, you know? He did, however, refer to his partner as the Good Landy. I can't get over that.
And I can't talk to her characters. It's all on him. Yes. Right.
Here we go. Over it. When our door tools at university, we would occasionally pick her up from her accommodation whilst on our daily commutes. Stereotypically being a student, this would involve us making numerous phone calls and waiting for ages for her to get up and out of the house.
Hang on, hang on, hang on. Well, just take another pass of that and try and get the... ..every size of words that help me understand the meaning of the sentence, yeah? Please.
Sorry. When our doors were at university, we'd occasionally pick her up from the accommodation whilst on our daily commutes. Got it. Stereotypically being a student, this would involve us making numerous phone calls and waiting for ages for her to get up and out of the house.
Yeah? Bloody student. When our door was at university, is this better for you, really? No, that's right now.
Like a kitty boy? No, like a guinea boy. A kitty boy. Don't know.
He would occasionally pick her up from her up. No, I got it. I got it now. Move on.
Thank you. Just in the emergency. More often than not, we would park opposite of a very popular cafe in the local town and this morning was no different to any other. We were waiting, as usual, and we were watching one of the staff members open up and set up for the coming day.
Now, you may think that watching someone doing their job would be quite mundane and ordinarily, I would be inclined to agree. Whoever. As we sat there observing, I witnessed something that you'd never want to see a practitioner in the food industry participating in. Ah, no.
In full view of the public. No. Wanking. Wanking.
It might not be wanking. What else is going to be? Ask, Wiping. What else?
Come on, what's your guess? Congratulations. Congratulations, sir. You've got the job now.
Just a few more questions. We've had a problem with people wanking in front of our shop before they open it. Are you going to do the same? I'm afraid I can't take this job.
It all goes to the face. All right. Now listen, what's your prediction for what it's going to do? Well, the thing is, I've read the letter.
I know. The game is for you. I'm wrong then, am I? When I say wanking?
I'm not here to correct you. I'm just here to hear your words and thoughts. Paul, call me intrigued. It's Cheek Show with me, Paul, Karen, and I co-host intrigued.
Come on, read the fucking letter. Right. Said waitress to a two-lady. OK.
Who was setting up? Still wanking. Hang on. And you still call it wanking, wouldn't you?
Yes. Well, I mean, there's Jack in it, isn't it? No, for ladies, it's jilling. Jilling.