Hello. How are you doing? You feeling okay? That's nice to hear.
Or not. Depending on your response. Anyway, it's me. The voice of cheap show back once again to apologize for Eli's audio.
It's a bit crap for the first 10 minutes because Eli could not be bothered to check his settings. I mean, it's fine, but it's not great. Luckily, it's just for the first 10 minutes. You can put up with that, right?
Of course you can. That's why you're brilliant. Right, let's join Paul and Eli. They're just about to start the show.
You know what Eli, I'm an observer. You know what Eli? I can't speak for fucking shit. You can't speak for shit, yes.
I'm an observator of people. Observator. Take it from the top darling. One more.
One more. You know what Eli? I'm an observer of men, right? What I'm going to say is not going to be anywhere near as fucking maleficent.
None of it. You're an observer of men. Yeah. When you have a shed from your shed, you have a special hole, a special slack that opens to what's made out of.
I have my peak slat. Yes. My peaky slat. Right.
What we're going to say? Did you mean men as in mankind? It doesn't matter anymore. It's going to say when you take your inhaler, it's unusual to watch because it looks like someone stabbed you at the bottom with a nice cold dagger.
Well, it's a technique that I've developed over several years of using the damn thing. You know, just makes you look like an idiot. Well, I don't do it in public. That's all.
Anyway, ask me shame me. Ask me shame me. I'll ask some machine use. You must be.
You need to have a cut a coffee or something and get the mouth working. How about a bit of a warm up? Get down and do a mouth warm up. Let's do it.
You follow me. All right. Yeah. Ewawwawwoo.
Yeah. No, follow me with your mouth. Oh, baby. I was going to do something good at this this show.
All right Ewawwawwoo. No I'm not going to do. Abababababababab,' do. Ababababababab, do.
Right. Good. Now try. I'm an observer of men.
Eli, I'm an observer of men. As you will know. Yeah, and what? Yeah, it was a terrible thing.
We can now move on. So what's your opener going to be? I was going to go, hi, it's his husband, it's tight. Well chief show again, hello he's Paul.
He's also the host of chief shows He's back in the room, cheap show, yeah. Here we go, you ready for the show? I have, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Just like that, something like that.
Yeah, no, I think that's spot, I'm gonna just start with that. Get the music out. No, no, no, no, no, you've run it past me, now you do it again. Oh, actually.
Exactly, word, perfect, exactly the way you did it last time, or I'm scrapping it. Okay, oh, it's, woo, woo, woo. Oh, sorry, whatever that is, what you're doing is not the intro to this show. No, it's not, but this is, and then you're linking there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good, all right. I'll do it now. I hate you, and you're fucking moodle-possing. And people love noodles.
If cheap show you're gonna have to learn the fucking excepts. Chee Show. Chee Show. It's the face of Mike Silverman.
And a girl and a nuzzle. So, Mr Silverman? Yes. I enjoyed our live broom cupboard-esque soiled variety, spoiled variety performance.
It was soiled variety, wasn't it? I can't remember, I think I called it spoiled, and then it's spoiled. And I know it's about both names, not working for me, really. Well, you know, you don't have much of an input in cheap show as a rule, and so I just go ahead and do what I like.
But you could change that. I mean, the name wasn't the best thing about it, was it? No, but the name wasn't the most proud of. What were you proud of?
I was proud of, even though it was a bit ropy, I was proud of how we did the microphone setup and the technical stuff and the cams and the bottom pressing. And that will improve, won't it? So, if you weren't... I can't guarantee that, you know that.
From my end, I'm constantly working to innovate and improve the service I provide. OK, so what ideas have you got if we do another one? Which I think we should do. Some people have said we should make it monthly.
Yes, I think it's a good idea. I've got some distinct ideas, and I'll just come out of two headings. Yeah? Right.
Right. Pickle waters, three headings. Soft nuts, that's hitting one. Yeah, there's a whole suite.
There's a whole tarantula idea under that, OK? And then you have... You carry on mate, because I've mentally checked out all over. So, you go...
The second thing is pickle waters. Pickle waters. I've been there. A lovely little village.
Pickle waters, and as you can imagine, there is a literal... There's a tarantula mile wide. Stop saying tranche. What do you mean?
Like, variety of ideas? Yeah. But in the inherent concept? A tarantula should be will.
Stop saying tranche. And the third. The third is a bollock oil. Well, here's what I've learned.
You came up with two things just then, but you said three things. So, you desperately threw a third thing on the end. No, it was. I'm repeating it back to you.
Bollock oil for the silver one. Well, you'd be totally wrong, completely. In fact, Bollock oil is what I started with. And I wanted to bury the lead on that one.
And put the Bollock oil at the end. I don't want you to bury the lead on Bollock oil. Ah! But yeah, it was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was a little bit of fun. We should do it again. Because I like the idea of maybe reaching out to other content creators and saying this, and we're going to do a kind of late night, groom-covered cheap show show, and we'll play your clips and help promote whatever it is you do. Fantastic idea.
And I think that's always, it makes it much more fun to watch if you're watching this. It's like a TV show, isn't it? You go back to the studio, and we were talking about maybe some sort of roving reporter type stuff in the future, obviously. It's not leaving my house for now.
A little video we can put in of our own accord. Oh, Eli, I like this more and more. Sorry if you're interested. You did miss it, but deal, listen.
It is on YouTube now. It is called the cheap show, spoiled variety performance 2020. Although that name will be changing. Have you got anything better, Mr Silverman?
Bollock oil tranche. No, fuck off. Bollock oil tranche should be the name of your album. Yes.
Another good thing about the string. By the way, going to become a singer. Just call yourself Jacob Silverman. It sounds more folksy.
Jacob Silverman, yeah. But not folksy singer. I have nothing to add to that. You've got nothing to add to nothing.
It makes nothing. Well, then if you add nothing to something, is it still nothing? No, it's whatever you have to add to it. But you've added nothing to it.
So how's there anything extra? There's nothing extra. Oh, no. Because you've added nothing.
So is the weight of it different? Why would the weight of it be different if nothing is added? I was waiting to see what I said. It looks like you offered a little round.
That was the one. That was the one. That was the one. That was the one.
That was a very rare public appearance from The Cheggers. Oh, yes. The Cheggers. The Chegg Queen who made it.
So did his spiritual father. Keith. Desiccated Keith. And then there was even a love song about Keith.
I can't remember. I was stoned out by mine. Great. Lovely and professional.
Excellent stuff. Well, what have we got coming up on today's show, Mr. Silverman? Well, there is.
In a few short moments, Paul, there will be. The first bespoke source report on Cheap Show. I've got some sources. I'm going to go through them.
There's that. I don't know. That's it. I'll come.
I'll come. Maybe get out back, get out from me, and I'll keep going. Eat some sources and then leave a sticky loat of will over his hairy term. I'll say it at this point.
Hey, is there an alarm that will go off once I introduce the segments? Okay, so it's. though there's a tranche, it'll be a tranche of all the bad ideas you've ever had for this podcast. Eli throw the switch, like the bobs, it is time for the source report...
hello, welcome... hello Thank you, hello, welcome to source report. a segment of its own because it deserves that stature within the cheap show of mega structure thank you. It has grown to become its own segment, it has become a man today.
My segment grew this morning when I struck it down and... You're segment. My chunky segment. The thing is, when you say segment, it feels to me in my head that you're describing your penis by comparing it to a trivial pursuit wedge or something.
I think more of a segmented sausage, you know, the way that they are... Well, like those ones that Wimpy used to sell that were severed and curled into a bun. What were they called? Chop sausage.
Were they called the big one or something? They were called something like that. It wasn't a big black blower. They were sliced in a way that it could curl in on itself.
Well, no, I don't think the slicing was what allowed it to be curled in. It was shaped like that. That's what the traditional Cumberland is shaped like that as well. Yeah, but it wasn't a Cumberland.
Was it? It was just some kind of weird hot dog sausage that had slices in it. I know, but the slices were to make it cook on the grid all quicker because it gets the heat into it. No, there was no slices.
There was definite severage of sausage. Yes, the severage was to help it cook. It wasn't. It did not...
If you are claiming, you know, if you're a couple about sausages, hang on. Do do do do do do sausage reports. No, I will do it. I like Wimpy's sausage.
I'm not discussing sausages with you. Wimpy sausage. I'm looking it up. Is that them?
And you know what you will find? Mate, oh, look what I'm going to show you on Zoom, you fucking twat. What about this? I know it had those cuts.
Look, you look. Look at the camera. I'm showing you. What are you seeing?
Yes, they have those slices to help it. You're telling me it wouldn't have... No, are you telling me that if they didn't slice it, they wouldn't put it in a burger bun. Otherwise, they put it in a sausage roll.
It's curved already before the slices. It's not. We're going to have to agree to differ on this. No, we're not differing.
Do do do do. Sausage report. Pork, Gannon and Noses sausage. What was it called then?
That burger with the sausage and an egg in it. I'm gone. It says pork bender. Yeah.
That's better than I remembered. I'll have a pork bender. Where would you like it? Oh, I went up to the pork of last night and I had a pork bender.
I've got a pork agover. Yeah, I have a pork bender. I had my pork goggles on last night. All dear.
Now, we're here, Paul. In all seriousness. And that's the end of the sausage report. Thank you.
But we are here, Paul, to discuss. It's not going to be a new segment, by the way, within the Sausage report. The Sausage report. Just to say that.
Well, maybe one day it might grow its own wings and become a beautiful segment of its own. I've just... I can imagine a sausage with wings now. I'm frying with our wings.
Right. We've got three distinct mini segments of the Sausage report. I'll be tasting. Let's crack.
Okay, so firstly, we are looking at some pizza sauces. Nice. Pizza sauces you get with your pizza. They try and charge you, but then often they'll just throw them in for free.
And there doesn't seem to be any hard and fast rule about that, does they? Well, it's always chiving on you, whatever. It's cream and chive. That's always the one they give up for.
Oh, really? So you think there's a hierarchy in what they'll give out? Yeah, because think about it. It's always an effort when you have to ask for barbecue sauce.
You know what I mean? You kind of feel like you're out of place suggesting it. So there you go. Here's your pizza.
In the corner, there's your sauce. It's sour cream and chive. It's sour cream and chive. Fuck off.
And when you go, do you have any all barbecue? You know, there's two people behind going, oh, just take it and go. And I feel the stress and what if they don't do it? And then the awkward conversation comes up with, that's 20p extra.
But I paid by card. Have you got a paid by card now? Oh, are you like? But that's what I mean.
The whole awkwardness. Just give me sauce. Don't have to fucking play a game, a guessing game with you, whether I'm going to have to pay for the sauce or not. Just give me the sauce.
Yeah. Or give me that. Yes, exactly. So these are, I've got two examples here of pizza huts.
Sources. And it's a sauce I think works with a lot of things, not just pizza. It tends to be a sauce just for dipping because it either crisps or pretzels or pizza crusts. You know, you don't have it in a salad.
You don't have it really with a main meat. You could. And you know what garlic and herb essentially is? It's ranch.
It's ranch under it. It's a piss. Well, I'll be the judge of that when I taste it right now. So, it is.
Flavourless piss. And I think it worsens the crust. You don't like garlic and herb as a sauce. As God is my witness, I do not.
Okay. Well, I'm going to taste pizza huts offering right now. It's in a little square tub. And it's got green, green flap coating.
Yeah, green flap on the top. And it's got one of those ones you have to break it in the corner and get it up. And it's not my fat chubby little fingers struggling with it. Well, it seems like you don't need me anymore for this podcast.
You've learnt your lesson. I'm off back to heaven. Ooh, now there's a very strong garlic. It's half coming off that.
Whoa. That's a good sauce, mate. Now, you may ask, Paul, Eli, how are you tasting these sauces? Just straight bare back, straight on the tongue out of the pot?
Or are you using some kind of neutral medium to deliver the sauce into your mouth? It would be the latter and I'm using. Funnily enough, I wasn't thinking of too much question. Matt's sos.
Jewish flatbreads. They are literally just flour and water. So there's no taste going to interfere with the enjoyment of the sauce on this. Okay.
So let's just have a little taste of the pizza hut. Garlic and herb. It's yellowy. There's been a bit of water retention on the top.
Very sweet. One day, you'll be describing a sauce. Stop mid-sentence and just start crying. You know that.
It's insipid that. Sweet and insipid. But with a sort of oily garlic flavour. Really terrible.
Terrible. Really bad. And the second pizza hut is another dipping sauce. It's their hot one.
Now, oof. They say it's hot. It's going to be a disappointing morass of sugar flavours, isn't it? Well, I often say don't we?
We have a palette that likes hot hot hot. Whereas that might be suitable enough just for your common or golden Joe Madam on the street. Yes. And why pretend though that you like it hot when you don't actually like it the opposite of hot?
Not hot. Now, I've opened it up. It's got quite a nice sort of colour. This hot sauce, very deep red.
Looks like hot sauce. You smell it. It's got a very weak vinegary smell. There's no spice coming out of you.
Just the vinegar substrate. I'm going to guess this will be sweet and insipid like a garlic and herb. We'll go on. Oh, very vinegary.
Oh, that's disgusting. It's awful. It's got some hot. Just vinegary?
Has it got any flavour? No. The only flavour it has is some sugariness. Sweet hot vinegary nonsense.
Yeah, you've got the tartness of the vinegar hits you. And then you think, oh, is that flavour? No, there's a sweetness. Sickly almost sweetness.
And then give it a couple of beats and the heat hits. And there's heat. I mean, it's hotter than I expected it to be. There is some heat there.
Is it an after-taste kind of heat rather than an immediate heat? Yeah, it's a burner, a slow burner. What I think you want for a hot sauce for a pizza, especially. Is it for this segment to be over?
No. This segment has barely begun, my friends. I know. So yeah, terrible.
I don't know what they like from other popular pizza places, but those were both fucking shit, man. Really bad. Now, from the profane to the sublime, because we're moving on to some sources made by the world king of source manufacturer would have to be hinds, wouldn't it? I mean, they've got a suppose hind to the Kelloggs of source.
They have types of source, literally thousands of varieties. What source do you think they don't have? I reckon they don't have Smegma and Chovy source. That is because that is not a real product.
I reckon they do a source called placenta and pomegranate. I don't eat that. Yeah. Right out the fucking scooper.
Only if it's horse placenta though. Horse placenta? No, I only gave it 10 quid. Right.
So what? Right. I don't know. There's a pot of that thing, so that makes sense.
I'm not going to look into it too much. It doesn't. It doesn't. Because it just makes for a little joy.
Now, I've got three hinds, pots here. You source these for me. Can we just get a little bit of background on these three sources please? Well, sometimes I take a particular route to work that allows me to go past a number of high street fast food restaurants.
And in this instance, it was a Burger King and I got the whole range of their sources for fries. And I can't remember what they are, but I'm sure you have them in front of you. I do. So why don't you tell me what I got you?
Now, going from most comments at least, we have BBQ sauce. You like BBQ sauce then. On fries? Yes, sometimes it's nice.
Now, I wonder what they call BBQ sauce here is what they call BBQ sauce like in fast food restaurants in America. I think there's like a universe or understanding that. It's that. Smoky brown.
Catch ups. Yeah. Catch ups. Okay, so that's the first one.
And then we have Creamy Honey Mustard. Oh, yeah. Creamy Honey Mustard. Now that would be nice, I think.
Ooh. Yeah. For dipping. Because the Burger King chips are a little bit different than McDonald's.
They're slightly thicker, a bit more crunchier. They take to the source a lot better. You know, I don't remember, they relaunched their fries. I was like the 90s though, wasn't it?
No. It was about 10 years ago. No, I was only 10 years ago. They relaunched them for crunchy.
Get the fucking phone out. I know that's, I've wrote, Bedoying Bedoying. Burger King. Change their fries.
Does your text, uh, text for, uh, pum, uh, and these out? Right. Burger King, the second largest fast food. Does your predicted text?
Bedoying Bedoying. No, it was just that. It was just the way it came out of my thumbs. Right.
Burger King, the second largest fast food chain of the country is changing its French fry recipe. Yes, the French fries will now be thicker, crispy and hotter. And the report, the last time they changed it was in 1998. Yeah, but that was from 2011.
Yeah, told you. About 10 years ago. Like I said, yeah. They're raising their game to compete with companies like five guys at In-N-Out.
But that's America. Well, they happened here as well around the same time. Did Burger King change their fries? Oh, yeah.
They did. Well, so you know what? This is silver. We'll agree to do.
No! Fries report. Fuck off. Right.
And the third, so we've got creamy honey mustard. I've never actually tasted creamy honey mustard before. I imagine that it will be almost like a mayonnaisey mustard, which would be a good thing in my book. Especially with a bit of sausage, just for a minute.
Get on with it. And lastly, another one that is common sauce, but it's new to me as a high-ins variety. Sour cream and chive. Sour cream and chive.
Well, not my favourite, but you're right. I don't know many high-ins flavourings of that type. As a high-ins, that's quite uncommon. And I'm a bit regretful that I have to break into it and to serve as a merchant, because it's quite a rare piece.
And as we talk, it is mint on cards. So... Who can't have sauce? Mint on cards.
I can't have sauce mint on cards. You can't have sauce mint on cards. Fuck it can. Right.
Now, Paul, are you telling me that these were the only three sauces available? Surely they had ketchup and... I mean, not yet. They had ketchup and stuff.
And don't call me Shirley. Every time. I love it. I wrote two separate posts a day that a person was trying to write the word Shirley, but it had predicted text did them as Shirley.
Get on with the sauces. Right, OK. So I'll be touching these Burger King sources. Burger King give you mayonnaise.
That's another big thing that they try and one up McDonald's with. Because you go into McDonald's, they will not give you mayonnaise. No, they won't. They will not.
They will not. They're not what they're fucking out of you. And they took vinegar out of their restaurants as well, didn't they? Yeah.
Well, that made sense. I'm just opening a new packet of Matzos, my friend. And I've got a good long strip of dipping Matzos. There you can see.
There's the... Look at my Matzos, Paul. Oh yeah, I'm going to look at your Matzos. I forgot.
I forgot. I was like, I'd say, yeah. Oh, it's a nice flat bread. Yes.
Now, barbecue sauce. You like what context would you like barbecue sauce in? Maybe with some sausages, maybe with thighs. Pizza?
You'd say that scenario where you were asking for it in the pizza place. Yeah, pizza sometimes. But that's mostly because I'm absolutely fucking sick to death of sour cream and chai sauces. You just don't like those white sour cream chai.
It just seems rude to go, here's your pizza. It's a fucking sour cream and chai. I'm never going to eat it. So I'd rather you don't have it when I offer to swap it out.
It's like it's a big fucking deal for them. It's just like, I'm not going to be bad for this. No, fuck off. Give me the sauce I want.
Right. So I'm going to taste some barbecue, Heinz barbecue. Very smoky. Very smoky, half on it.
And a good colour, as you'd expect from the people at Heinz. So, I'm going to do a... God, I hate the sake of it. Oh, very sweet.
Good apple of cheese though, compared to other barbecue sauces I've tasted. There they go. They're the kings of apple of cheese. Heinz, nice and rounded flavour.
Very sweet, but I think it's supposed to be sweet barbecue sauce, isn't it? It's supposed to be sweet, isn't it? Yeah. It's supposed to be sweeter than ketchup.
Yeah. But I think just you get chilled. You get cheap shit ketchup and it's as sweet as that. So, moving on, Heinz creamy honey mustard.
Have you come across this before? Come on. I've come across all creamy mustard before, yeah. Right.
All over some honey. Yeah. Oh, very funny. I've splashed my creamy mustard all over some honey before, mate.
Creamy honey mustard is a good euphemism for spunk. So, oh, it's just a shake. This has got quite a solid looking sauce. It's spoogee from one of the...
Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I give a solid sauce. It has a very salad creamy smell.
It's made of be mustard, but it's very salad creamy from the odour. I'm putting it on salad cream. I like it. Sorry.
I like it. It's a good sauce. It's nice in a sandwich. I like the millennials want to do it if they want to do that.
But please do not change the name to sandwich cream. It's just more... There's something more red on the air of spunk about that title. Sandwich cream.
Sandwich cream. No, salad cream. It's good. Salad cream's fine.
Salad is just safe with salad cream. Sandwich cream. But, hello. Would you like a sandwich?
Shall I put some cream in it? Cream. Cream. Sandwich cream.
You like some on the bread splash? Yeah, exactly. Would you like baguette? Would you like to eat too slowly, slowly, push it baguette into your mouth?
I'm going to taste it. Glidden mass sandwich cream. I've dipped in the honey. Also, it's got a little bits.
I wonder what the bits are. But why has it got bits? What kind of bits? They sold all of this.
Little dark bits. Little dark bits. A little bit of pepper. Oh, maybe it is pepper.
Oh. That's good. The creamy honey mustard from Heinz. What would you have that with?
Anything you'd have salad cream with because it is essentially a dressing. Yellow salad cream. There you go. It doesn't take a mustard at all.
It's very sweet and just salad creamy. How is this? What are podcastles now? How desperate are we?
We're not. This is important news about sauce coming straight to the people. Don't make it sound like some kind of Leninesque fucking manifesto. Now, Paul, what?
If you see any more of those honey mustards, I'd suggest I'll pick them up. Right. Lastly, in this segment of the sauce report, this is 20 minutes long already. If I'm going to donate 40 more.
There's a lot of sauces. Don't make it. Don't make it. Don't make it.
Don't make it. Don't make it. Don't make it. Don't make it.
Don't make it. Don't make it. Don't make it. Don't make it.
Don't make the decision. Okay. So, last sauce we'll be covering today's sauce report, is the Heinz sour cream and chive. Now, I love a sour cream and chive, Paul, to the extent where I'll go and buy an extra one if I get something about McDonald's even if I don't have a dish that comes with it as standard.
I'll get it extra on purpose to dip my chips in. That's how much I love the sour cream and chive sauce. And how does this not go up, we'll find out quickly. Let's see how Heinz stacks up to theirs.
The McDonald's one is the one I like. Right. Good texture. Creamy.
Flessy. How can sauce be fluffy? Twat it. like a blum-munch, you know, like a...
It's gelatinous, mate. Not frothy or foamy. It's a bit fluffy, foamy. Like, you know, when you do it...
Candy floss is fluffy. Well, just a bit so airy. You know, mate, slurry-like. Mate, it's a poor analogy.
No, it's not. It's about to move on. Imagine it, you're losing this segment right away. Come on, it's falling apart, mate.
Imagine you do an ecstasy tablet and you have a very nasty Guinness on top of it while you wait to come up and then you go to the toilet and you do a shit. That's the texture that I'm talking about, right? Everyone will know that foamy-poo texture, the bum, bum. What you say, everyone, not everyone's taken LSD, then has you to get a...
You're LSD, oh, fuck's sake. Whatever acid. Everyone's gonna do the drugs you take. Everyone's gonna be writing in, going, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've had the foamy-shits as well. So, no one. And if they do email, I'm gonna delete them. Oh, fuck off.
Right. I'll do half on the high-end sour chime and cream, sour cream and chive. Not great. Yeah, remember talking to your microphone and talk about it?
Not great. Here we go. You don't know. You don't know what I'm talking into.
You can't see me. You can't control me. I can judge by the distance of your voice from this call. OK.
I'm back on the mic, sorry. I'm not very good. They really have there. That's the worst of the three.
Just as well. There you go. Doesn't taste right. That's that segment done on a massive letdown.
And on next edition of The Source Report, we have a bespoke pot of sources or pox-o-source, which has some interesting things in it, and I'll be tasting those. Thank you very much. I can't wait until I edit that out of the next episode we record. Thank you.
Once again, ladies and gentlemen, if you think Eli should carry on doing the source report, please remember to keep that opinion to yourself. You'd be better for an email or Twitter. Eli? Yes.
This is the worst segment of the show. No, it's not. It is. Great.
Everyone's going to love that. No one is going to love you listening to piss-poor pots of source. Listening to source, was I? You were listening to the source, people.
I will. Whatever. Moving on. OK.