and we're good to go. Hello everybody, it's CheapShowTime again, it's Eli here, hi. You know me from such things as source report, noodles, pickles, fuck me, noodles, pickles, everything, sausages, I like those, sauce, pool, you also do the show, how are you? Eli, you just said hello, my name's Eli, I'm from this podcast, and you may know me from things I do in this podcast, what about other things you do?
Like, oh yeah, absolutely nothing. Fuck off, listen, don't make this into, you know what, I'm using different earphones, and I feel like I'm not doing the podcast. What do you mean? What are the change of headphones on for you?
It's freed my whole head up, like my head's waggling around. I'm watching your head right now, and yes it is, although it's like Jack Dukworth, that's a character for Coronation Street. Jack Dukworth. That dog, what about that dog?
What about that dog in the back of the Churchill dog? That's what it looks like. No, you're all like one of those dogs that's got a bit of peanut butter on his top lip, but it's trying to eat, yeah, like that. Probably it is.
Anyway, Welcome to CheapShow, it's an economy comedy podcast that celebrates, just do it again and fucking edits it, man, I'm sick of this, just do it. You fucking manage it, I do edit it. What the fucking say, I'll say it, welcome to CheapShow, it's an economy comedy podcast where we troll the trash of Great Britain and beyond. We go to...
It's a bit ugly. There we go. No, it's not. No, it's not.
No, it's not. It's not enough for rain. It's off the rails, it's crashed. Shari Shop, thousand dead at the bottom of the ravine.
It's awful, oh, the humanity. Shari T shops and that. Now, Paul, what we got coming up on the show this week? Well, you know what, this week on the show, we've got the Open Title Sequence, so let's go to that right now.
OK, fucking do it. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I'm just cheap show you're going to have to learn the fucking insects. Cheap show.
Cheap show. It's the price of Shari. Paul Ganon. He likes to sell for them.
Welcome to Cheap Show. And a girl with a nuzzle. Yes, it's Cheap Show back once again, like a renegade master. Three, four, five.
Pout to the people. Twenty seconds to comply. No, no, no, no, no, no, 19. Well, don't do hip hop because you know what?
He'll come out. He'll come out the old man of the mountain. Yeah. He'll pop out.
Well, the old man of the mountain. When I'm mowing the lawn at the end of the bed area, the next amount of the grot pounds. Yeah. I can see him peering through the window.
Who? You know. What has to even laying low recently? What happened?
You could see the Wagonut Trail often. I know it's like part of this whole thing. It's like how big is Wagonut stuff, but they're really big and un-kempited now. They're dragging along.
What's going on there? There's a whole, there's all scribbles, all swarming over them. The scribbles have got out of control. They're swarming over this poo, this sort of coagulated trail.
Harry Wagonut get trained basically. There's dragging around and it's sort of poking out the front door of mountain grot pants. And then he looks out the window and he goes, and I go, hello? And he goes, slabs a window shut.
And I think, oh, what's going on in there? He's probably working on a new album or something. He gets funny like that. He does it.
He's not in the same sense as the Crane incident. No, I think he knows more than he was letting on. Perhaps that's what's on the new album. Perhaps he's going to be a confessional thing like Drake did.
Perhaps he's doing a Kanye and he'll have political ambitions. What? Teeny Etty 2020, President of Cheatshope. He's going to forget Randolph.
That would be a good election, wouldn't it? Let me just write that down for one of our top line. Topical episodes. Right, right.
We'll also be new lyrics. Obviously, what side are you on? Are you on Team Yeti? Are you on Team Randolph?
If the election is called, for Cheatshope. It doesn't really matter. Oh, no, no, it actually fucking doesn't. Does it, for my point of view, it's just awful, either way.
I would be the man behind the throne. Now, either of those regimes were to take control. What's on this? Hello, I am Jimmy Biscuit entering the election parade.
You are, weren't you killed on the train Biscuits? No, I'm off searching the world for Branduff. Remember that? Oh, yeah.
Well, how's it going? He popped in here. He popped in here a few episodes ago. He was here.
I'm on the case. You should have told me. Well, I don't have your number anymore. You never called me.
You don't. It's all one, two, one two, one two, one two, one two. You call me at night. That's when I'm sleeping with angels.
What about Mrs. Biscuits? Is she like calls at night? There is no Mrs.
Biscuits. Oh, okay. There's only Gary. Oh, okay.
I didn't realize. Oh, Gary. No problem. All right.
Biscuits. Oh, Gary. He wanted to be my partner. He was a young rookie after streets.
And I remember thinking to him, I remember saying you can't deal with the darkness that I see. And Gary. Gary put his whole heart into it. He was a good soul.
But he went to the city. I remember him. I remember him. I remember him.
I remember him. Then he kept putting his whole heart into it. He was a good soul, but he went too far. And he crossed the line.
And now. And then what happened to him? He said he was failing with a bad crowd. And he fell in with the blubberites.
A cult directly involved with resurrecting the God Didi Mister Blaby for the end time. It's okay. And only I can fight. Oh, wow.
And Gary, I'm coming for ya. Right. See, mate. Right.
So, he doesn't seem to have capture the brand off at the top of his list anymore, does he Paul? No, he doesn't. It's a shame, mate. Well, maybe.
Maybe one of those wacky plot points we've just come up with will be resolved in a later episode of cheap show. Well, Brandoff needs to be taken to account and perhaps he's only going to be able to be, you know, justice will only be served through the political structure of cheap show, rather than the justice structure of cheap show, which seems to be lacking. Well, distracted. Biscuits is distracted with Gary.
What I'm thinking though is that it ends up that Brandoff is behind the blob right cult and we'll tie it together that way. I like it. Cults. Very folk horror.
Very now. And in the end, they burn Gary in a giant wicker blobby. Yes! With no leadman's in drag.
Yes! Doing a song! Yes! Green plea bar to one, do's he?
Save the props. We must have a sacrifice. Yes! Deal or no deal?
That's the next thing. Paul, you were going to do a, what? A tells me shop floor. That's a segment coming up.
Hey, straight out. Oh God. Straight out. I never know what the segment is.
Is this a bit where I look at something in my room and sort of go, here it is. It's all something. No, no. You know what?
I did it. I want to mention Paul. The day is approaching. Right.
Where we are going to need some content and we still haven't tried this figure he must. So it's drying out a bit. It looks still at times working. For my Christmas ago.
Yes. Well, the tape. You can see the tape is still there. It's mint on card.
No! Figgly mustard is not ever going to be mint on card. It is. It's gleaming.
It's a pristine, figgly mustard pot. I will say it's in very good condition, but I will not say it's mint on card. All right? Thank you very much.
No. I will say this though for this episode. I am in, every word I speak, I am in massive amounts of discomfort because... Why, this way, you're back?
No. I've had a lot of punishment done to my throat last night. From what? I went, I spooled myself and I went and got a nice big fancy beef and smoky bacon lasagna.
I thought, treat myself. I've been a good boy. And I put it in the oven. Blah, blah, blah.
It was piping hot. Piping hot. Right. But there was something I wanted to watch on TV and I forgot that you could just pause TV and watch it whenever.
So I wolft this piping boiling hot. Weirdo. lasagna down my throat. Couldn't you stop halfway and think Christ, this is burning my throat?
I was hoping that the more I ate, the cooler it would get. Just because of time. That usually works, but it's too hot at first. You know?
So I just don't get you. I was in discomfort last night, but I've woken up and it feels like I've had someone punch me in the throat. Oh, man. So all I can say, ladies and gentlemen, please, please, be responsible when you eat lasagna because, you know, it only means Garfield to really see the dark side of lasagna.
It could be deceptively hot. Yes. I mean, you're suffering. Yeah, really.
I hope that clears up Paul. lasagna. That goes in and out of fashion, doesn't it? Yeah.
It was all a big deal. Oh, that's why I heard the other day. Shabbat abrid. Yeah.
When you think that was inventive? I know. Ah, just can't be true. I didn't know I didn't expect the sneezing to be a problem.
Shabbat was invented in 1942 by a Welsh school teacher called Madam Flankake. No. It was in 1994 and it was a purposeful invention by the Italians to compete with the Frenchmen's baguettes or French ladies' baguettes. So it's an Italian baguette.
Or, let me say this now, put a baguette up your arse. What? Just to get that out of the way. I mean, you're forgetting we do need some nuance in building.
We can't just always skip to the bit of the show that everyone knows is coming. Well, I just wanted to skip past that with the baguette now. Okay? The baguette up your arse.
Oh, wanking off a baguette. Mayonnaise comes out the top of the baguette. What's the con? There's a pullback.
Pullback. Pullback the baguette. Pullback the skin of the baguette and then there's the soft baguette helmet underneath, seeping mayo onto the pin. Mayonnaise.
Chibata out of your mind. Chibata. No, but it was in. It was invented, Paul, to compete with baguettes because the Italians had no national loaf.
What do you like it Chibata? I do like Chibata. I bet you'd like lasagna in a Chibata. Yeah.
Bit of butter. It's like a Chibata. It's like there. You've got Chibata.
When they could all kind of extremely exciting inventions today. Chibata, bacon, butter with lasagna, sweedings. That's a dirty filthy, horny thing. They did do, didn't they?
I did a lasagna sandwich. It was criticized for being very calorific. Yeah. Well, there you go.
It's a lasagna sandwich. Let's crack on with the show because I am now bored of talking of lasagna. It's been a successful... Lasagna, lasagna, lasagna, lasagna.
Just to finish it up. Just stop it. All right. You don't need to jump straight to the end.
All right. Come on. Let's do the sound. You can do this one.
Really? I'm in a good mood. Excellent. Brilliant.
I won't let you down, Mr. lasagna. It's a big break, boys. Oh, my God.
I just have to pour some liquids elsewhere. What pouring liquid could I do with anything? Well, because I think I'm using to make the sound effect. I had some liquid.
Right. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, his big, cheap show debut. It's Mr.
Eli Silverman with his segment, Sound Effect. Thank you. It's an amazing result. Thank you.
Well, I think you remember a few weeks ago, Chris from Norwich, it was a beautiful picnic campus worth of Japanese snacks when we went on our little roam around North London. Southgate, New Southgate, New Southgate in northwest London. Well, North London. What?
Well, I think you're going to have to put the egg. I've still got his egg. His arf egg. The little platter egg.
He could use that so easily as an ob toy. Could you? Yeah. Ow.
I don't understand. Put me out. Come on. Stop.
Don't play the naive. Don't be the naive with me. You stick your knob. It's too big.
Stick your knob on it. You roll it around your knob. You do all sorts of shit with it. And then you stick it up your arse.
No, what you could do? What do you fucking help me? Everything's going up your arse this week. Why not?
Everything's going up your arse. Why fucking not? Well, because. What exactly?
What good reason is it to stick a cactus up your arse? It's spiky. Right. And that's what pleasurable to you?
Could be. Good boy. Okay. Next thing.
Hot bayonet. Hot bayonet. Yeah. So what temperature has this bayonet been heated?
It's like, was it in a conventional? It's like, was it in a conventional? Red, hot, straight from a furnace. All right.
Then you've got an example there. There's always a counterexample in these rules. What about? Bag of baby spiders bursting and then crawling right from the bag up your bum all.
What about that? Like it. Like it. Like the imagination.
You're using it. I've just splashed orange juice all over me now. Now, welcome dear listeners to the section of the show where you get your say. Where you get to.
And so, and the person who's having their say this week is that guy who sent us with Jeff Lee Snack. And the egg that's been up my ass. What about highlights from the Japanese snack? You know what?
You know what? I like about this podcast. How reassuringly shit we are. 200 episodes on.
You know what I mean? Well, I'm not quite. No, if you can't all the uncleicable stuff and all the other podcasts. Yes.
Now it's, yeah. Paul, what were your highlights? My highlights were those client, tender, client, squid, pickled squid swears with the squid headed mascot on them. That was my highlight.
Oh, you did? Yeah. They were your favorites were they? But there was a very good selection and a very interesting including the cat suit strip.
I love that food where they're just sort of, they're taking the essence of something and just giving you that. It's like if they, it's almost as if they sold packets of just the powder that is in those dry, dry roasted peanut packets. Just the powder. Imagine that.
Or if they sold just the little green bits of card that you get the back of Risley packets. But like the whole packet that was green bits of card. Yeah. Or I actually make Hand on Heart wasn't listening.
So. Come on. He's got a tells on the shop floor which is where listeners write. Hey, stop.
Yeah. You asked me what my favorite thing is and then you just proceeded to stick things up your arse again probably. I don't know. I wasn't listening.
What was your favorite thing? My favorite thing was the chicken and beef snacks, you know, the ones that were in the waffle shape. Yeah, they were delicious as well. Yeah, they were lovely.
So that's my favorite choice from the pack. There you go. How exciting. Oh, Chris, thank you again.
So, Chris did send a letter in and it did have a tell from the shop floor on and I thought we'd read it out. Okay, great. And all he is. Again, people who listen to the podcast regularly know that we ask for your stories about strange things, events that you've seen in the charity shop, but you are all compelled week in week out to tell your stories of unwitting human defecation.
So thank you for sending that in. But I do. We do. I hope I speak for you as well.
We don't always want the scat stories. It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be body fluids at all. It could just be.
Well, mate, we haven't had a whack story in ages. Okay. Absolutely. I've made it clear again and again and again, Paul, my little tick list of a top tells from the shop floor story for me.
One. Old person. Two. Nudity.
Three. And then. This sounds dystopian. And then coming up in the rear at five, but it's way behind the.
It's not putting things in the rear. It's way behind the pack. Yeah. Would be, you know, Seminoles, Deficles and Wizardcles.
Seminole Deficle, Wizardcles. It sounds like the poem from the, it sounds like the Bitty Bobbitty Boomer from Cinderella. Well, that's why I just think from Ben Knobs and Broomsons. That's by design.
I'm working on a whole system of classifying liquids come out the bodies. You've got this poetry. Yeah. Well, no, it's just terms that we can use as a shorthand Paul.
So you've got the semicals. Yes. Yeah. Those are your spoves, your spooges, your batter's delafan.
So what was it again? Let me just get this straight. Yeah. Something cool.
What was it called? Seminoles. Seminoles. That covers all the wide, wide range of clear, usually clear, genital fluids.
Yeah. Then you've got the Deficles. We all know. No, that's right.
And then we've got the Wizardcles, which is a whole, you know, thing in itself, which is piss. Well, we've got another one. What? What?
What? What? What's it called? Is it got any of those in this?
This is one? Oh, yeah. I'm a Satanist. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Just decided I'm a Satanist. Any particular Satan or the Blobber Lord Scott to you? The Blobber, no, the Blobberites, no.
Well, that's just the Blobberites. I'd say the Blobberite thing or whatever they do is very much devil worship, isn't it? Because Blobby, they want the big Blobby from the sky to come down and wreak vengeance on the non-Blobberites. So that's pretty horrific.
Eldritch Blob. Yeah, man. It's strange though, because you could easily transfer to the crinkly bottom of Nolter Lovecraft very easily. And also like folk horror very easily.
You know what? In fact, Nolter Edmonds does kind of look a lot like Charles Dexta Ward from the story, his description. And he lives in a crazy house on top of a hill. Exactly.
And he has a great big pink and yellow monster. In a pit, yeah. That's slaughter celebrities and middle-class families. This is abomination.
Have we strung out the introduction to this letter enough yet, please? I'm losing sight. Hey, have a look. Nine minutes.
Yes, Blenite. It's quite good. Chris from Nolter, here's the letter. Here's a letter.
That's good. Like a mild one. Con will be shit. I know you do all sense shit, so apparently it can all be shit.
Let's hope it's mild. Maybe it's just a skid-y skid-y view from the air or something. That's like a PG version of a story. That's like a bit of a distance.
From a distance? I can see a skid-y. From a distance? I can see a skid-y.
From a distance? I am the wind beneath your wings. Yeah, that's a good song. Great.
Great. High-class comedy on Cheap Show. Right, here we go. Here's a very mild story for Tales from the Shop floor.
I used to work in retail for a company known for its plastic construction bricks. Ooh. It's Lego. Could be, could be, could be, could be, could be, could be do-ploze Lego isn't it?
Do-ploze Lego isn't it? Do-ploze Lego. Could be Play-Mabill. Could be Nintendo.
They used to have building bricks in the 50s or 60s. Really? Yeah. Have you seen pictures of theirs?
Yeah, you can still, you can go on eBay right now and buy Nintendo building blocks. Now here's an interesting Easter egg for you Mr. Silverman. Go on.
Go on. In Super Mario Land 2 on the Game Boy. There is a level set in a kind of, I guess it's like a toy thing inside a robot Mario. The other levels is Lego bricks, but on the side they have, I think it's N and B, which is the name of the company that were Nintendo and this other company that made Lego.
They put a little hint in there, they Lego past in that game. Well, they love doing that, don't they? They do it so much better than a lot of other companies, sort of incorporating the whole of their back catalog or their history into their new products. Yes.
But that's something that the Japanese do culturally in a more wide way, don't they? A lot of their culture has elements of sort of ancient tradition with, with extremely new technology mixed. You know what I mean? Especially their pornography.
Right. Right. And, but I was just thinking, compare them to Disney. There's no need to do porn.
No, but they could do Disney have little Easter eggs to like Snow White in their sort of Mickey Mouse game or something like that. You know what, do you know what, do you know what, do you know what I'm getting at? Spoffing beauty. No, no, no, no.
No, no. Well, well, well, well. Snow White in the Seven Dicks. Got it.
There's no subtle D with you, isn't there? Right. What's another one? The Lion, the Witch and the Cock.
Um, Poke your Hauntus. What's another one? Oh, Sleeping Fanny. We don't know if you're not going to bother trying Eli.
Let's just not bother doing the segments. Robin Cock. Robin Cock Eli, seriously. Cinderella.
Cinderella. Cinderella. I'm trying to think of another one. Ah, I know.
A Spoffin. Like Aladdin, but a Spoffin. Right, just carry on with the fucking letter. The Little Spur made.
Oh, right, good. Well done. Searching for Fanny. What?
Smell the biscuit. Now you're just saying rather than shit. I am, yeah. So, here we go.
As one might expect in a children's toy shop, we had off their share of urine, feces and vomit. To give one typical example, I was once standing by the door greeting customers when I noticed some specs of brown on the floor by the entrance. Mm-hmm. I initially thought it was chocolate, but on closer inspection revealed it clearly to be poo.
Right, what does that involve? A close to inspection. Wow. Did he put his nose right on the floor?
Dude, the sniff test. Yeah, definitely the deficles. Yes. Yeah, I've got a rule of thumb.
That's the size of your penis. Never just assume something is chocolate. Never. That's a good rule, isn't it?
Chocolate should be the last thing you assume it to be. Yes. You want to think of all the worst things it is first before you decide to consider it chocolate. Even if it's in a child's mouth at the time.
Why would shit be in a child's mouth? Well, I don't know what I get out to do. Right. I then noticed more besides it.
And then more besides that. In fact, it was a straight line. Does he use the word besides with an S? What?
Does he use the word besides with an S? And more besides that. I think I added the S with my mouth. Yeah, what are you doing, mate?
Come on. It's just about to attack Chris for bad writing. It's just you adding extraneous S's. Well, I'll do whatever I like when I read them out.
So here I go. But on closer inspections. Revealed it to be poos. Right.
Right. Fine. It was like a breadcrumbed trail of fecal matter. Oh, what?
Could this be ladyplops in the training? Maybe. A little kitty ladyplops. Well, we just don't know, do we?
We could be. Oh, she plops babies. Oh, no. I don't even do ladyplops in a childlike voice.
Well, I do squishy do like this. You do these little littyplops like these. Oh, I'm baby squishy Jim. I like squishy things Jim.
And I've got a girlfriend who is little lady. Rabbit plops. Hello. I squish it.
Oh, I'm not going to do it. Oh, yeah. Oh, I missed that one. Shit.
Squishy. And here comes another baby character. It's a little Billy Brandoff. Well, I'm going to sit back and let you do this for a bit.
Because obviously I'll be fun doing cheap show babies. So here we go. I'm going to sit back and I'll be fun doing cheap show babies. So here we go.
I'll let you do this for a bit. I'm a little brand off. Oh, I'm a little brand off. Oh, my mom said to tell you that.
She says all ladies and bitches. Oh, I'll slap you. I've got the troubling fucking psychology. I've got only Brandoff as a character, but you Eli is a human being.
Oh, oh, it's a little furry baby yet. I've done a run. I'll have a cat and a cat and a cat and a cat on fire. I'm going now.
Right, laddie. I'm going now. I'm going now. I'm going now.
Right, laddie. I'm going now. I'm going now. I'm going now.
Right, laddie. Baby, do the biscuit. Bye bye. Do the biscuit.
Yeah. I've had a shoulder crime. Right, that's the end of that. No, come on.
That is the end of that. That's a little bit happened at some point, didn't it? We haven't delved into our back. I'll get a while to be first.
So, bless him. Right, so Red Comtro the vehicle matter. I left my post. I literally said I left my post immediately.
I left my post and followed it through the middle of the store to the end of the shop. The pool ran up to the point where the floor met the till desk up the desk and then on the counter. Oh. The other counter was a little baby shitting away held by its parents who was completing a purchase.
It stank, seriously stank and my colleagues serving the customer had a slightly shell-shot look but the customer was either oblivious or ignoring the defecation. As once the purchase was complete he scooped up the baby, paused it, they thank you and goodbye and left the shop at a leisurely pace leaving a mound of baby dirt behind. Terrible customer. If there's one thing you don't want, it's a baby trailing shits from a customer.
And then he does say at the end, it typically, you know, one of the things that annoys and most of the endless questions from people in the Lego store saying, do you have to build it? Yeah, that must be one of those annoying. In all areas of retail, no matter what you're doing, there's a certain question that comes up. It's a stupid question.
I think people in the working record shops just have a section where they have Led Zeppelin IV and Dark Side of the Moon and every Beatles record just in a section titled Spanish Tourist section. They come in three times an hour. Have you got Dark Side of the Moon and you just have to point them over there? So it must be equivalent to that.
Well, asking if you can build it yourself. Why don't you, have you ever heard of people offer their talents as Lego constructors to other people? Is that one of these areas that has become a sort of job? I would be surprised.
But then the point of Lego isn't so much the final thing, it's the building. What would you want to build, get by something and then give it to someone else to build so you can put it on each other? I don't, I can have time. I just want to possess it.
I want to possess it and then I want to say to my friends, it's been done and I did it because I'm good. I'm the best. I build all Legos. I own all Legos and I build them all myself and you can't prove it.
You can't prove it. Try to tell me I haven't built my Lego. I built every single thing. I even made it all.
I made this Lego from scratch organically using molds, which I made. You're really taking advantage of the fact that I can't talk much of this because it hurts to speak. Help me. Help me please.
No, no. I got it out of bag and I knolled it all, put it all into place and I stuck it all up my ass. It's all up my ass. I've got Legos bits up my ass.
They're wrestling round. They're spitting out all they are brown. All the yellow bits are brown. Do you like?
The man in his falsies. Do you want me to keep that in the show? Are you sure? Yes.
You want me to keep it all in? The skid stay in the picture. Yes. All right, good.
Is there anything else in this letter? No, but now I am fascinated with the idea of you swallowing Lego and then crapping it out and building structures out of the Fegalmatter and Lego bricks. Oh, that would be nasty, wouldn't it? I don't know.
That'd be like something you'd discover in a film if you were a detective hunting down the killer. Well, you know what they say? Art is pain. I wonder as well, Paul, if there is anyone who can eat Lego pieces, like eat the whole set of a, you know, like a TIE fighter or something.
Yeah. And then in their colon and their last rectal passage, construct it and then pass it fully formed. I mean, you couldn't do like the Ghostbusters Firehouse. I just don't think it's possible.
But maybe small cars, you know what I mean? That's the tiny sets. Yeah, maybe you could do that also. Maybe you could swallow a transformer, a small transformer in its vehicle state and change it in your colon.
It's a great magic trick. What are you going to do for a couple of hours before? You don't need a couple of hours. You get a load of cod liver oil.
Go shoot straight through. Speed. I'm going to do speed Lego shoots. Right.
Well, on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I think we've reached the bottom of this conversational barrel. Let's move on to the next segment of the show, shall we? Oh, I don't get to do another sound effect. Yeah, if you want to eat like, you got to do another sound effect, but it has to be drastically different from the last one.