Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show, episode 199. I'm Eli Silverman, and over there, I am Paul Ganon, and it's exciting times in Cheap Show HQ today because we're prepping for our forthcoming immediate episode, 200, 200, right around the corner now, and I can feel the anticipation, filming it with the intermingle right at the base of my perineum. Now, moving up the shaft, it was an explosion. An explosion, right at the end.
Right at the end, and my metres is winking. You're beaking metres. If there was an audience in my pants, they'd go, oh, that is a cheeky metre. The cheeky metre!
He's got something easy, you know, and mischievous. Stay on focus, all you have to do is say, I can't focus. Episode 200 live on Twitch, 9th of October, which is tonight, if you're listening to it, as soon as you get down, oh, it's okay. You're fucking, yeah, you're fucking idiot.
I'll tell him. There's no point, there's a time weird thing going on with how we describe this because episode 199 goes out on the 9th of October in the morning. They'll listen to that, and they'll be like, oh, that's exciting, oh, later this evening, it's gonna be 200 live on Twitch. And then the following week, you'll be able to hear it in podcast form.
So you don't have Twitch, and you don't want to take part in what is a terribly built website, really, in my mind. You can issue that, and just listen to the pod. As normal, with special annotations that me and Paul will be adding, like behind the scene, little winky winky winky. Just like this.
No, you're cheeky meters. Thank you. I'm not calling this episode, what, 9, 9? Cheeky meters.
You fucking, ah, you know it. Right, before we go to the credits though, here is the dictum of the dictum. A dictum. Is that a word?
Dictum. Yes. I'll give you a dictum. It's when I just bought for barely buttonhole.
That's a dictum. Oh, I've had a dictum. I've been dictum'd. It's how much is it, Father?
It was. How much for you would give me a sloppy dictum. I'll give you a free will if you just give me a kiss. Just give me a light.
Again, I was meant to give some information. I'm already spaffing on my belly. You know what? A friend of mine once got no word of a lie, a massage in Turkey.
And at the end, lemon juice was sprit stuff is bumpy. Lemon juice was what, like, squeezed the lemon into it, right? A little pepet, a little turkey basted, miniature turkey basted. What does that do to you?
A shrew baster. What does that do? A shrew baster full of lemon juice for your arseholes. What is the point of that?
It keeps your arse fresh. Does it? Well, it's like, oh, feeling fresh. You feel fresh.
You've got a full body rub down. I think if I was having a nice, relaxing massage, and at the end of it, with a perpetive lemon juice at my arsehole, my reactor's going to be... What am I doing? No, Paul, I don't want to give you the impression that the pepet was actually pushed into the arsehole.
You'd have to get it in, otherwise it's just... No, it's just... What's the point of that? No, it splashes right on the ring.
So someone has to be a bar. You've got to loosen the guy up and massage all around there. You're going to have to push the thumbs and thumbs and thumbs. You're going to have to spread them.
You are going to have to spread them. Yeah, you spread them. With one hand, thumb and forefinger. Yeah, and this is what we're talking about.
I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it myself. Right, let's do it again. Punch it on your bed, or force it to kick a chip, lemon squeeze your arsehole.
It's going to happen in the middle. Look, the point of the time is this week, this week's time we really hectic and busy as we plan for 200. So this is going to be one of our real-time episodes where we start the clock after the credits, roll for an hour, and then we see what we can pack in in that time. I'm very excited, Miss Overland.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. We have a packed, girthy, chunky show. What have we got coming up on this specially time-restricted episode? We have a platters, we have a cheap...
No, we have a price of shades, and we have a little bit of a book read section. Ooh! Let's crack on and start the credits. Mr Silverman, introduce the show.
I thought you were doing the credits, but you go, oh no, no, no, no. You're a cheap show, something professional, like that. Do it, we can't play the track. We can't play the track unless you do it, otherwise it's going to be weird if I just drop the music in now.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's Paul Ganon, I'm Eli Silverman, and this is Chit Show! I hate you and your fucking moodle posse. People love noodles. It's the fact that you show you're going to have to learn the fucking excepts.
Chit Show. Up, round, round, round, round, round, Chit Show. It's the price of Chit! Paul Ganon, he likes to have a...
It's a cheap show. And a girl with a nuzzle. We're calling Start the Clock. Oh shit, I've not opened the thing.
Start the clock, Paul. Hang on, don't it? Right, is it clock started? Start the clock, and we're off.
Here we go, one hour of cheap show. Ooh, get girthy, right, what do you want to start with? If you start with the price of Chit, get it, sort of. Let's do it.
Hi, energy. Hi, you grab it, I'll do the theme show. Oh, it's the fucking price of Chit. It's the fucking price of Chit.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, here, we got this really... Make me on fucking the clock. What I don't need is any more of your manners. No one at the doorbell.
I've just heard it. In all the years, I've heard it. We're going to have to crack on and get it. I'll explain to the listeners what's going on then.
So we had a lovely package in the PO box, and there was no name attached to the PO box in general. There was a lot of stuff in there, quite a lot. So we've picked a few out, and we are going to use those choice selections of the stuff in the PO box in today's game. What's fascinating, though, is that no name came with this.
I can't thank the person, but if you're the person who sent the box with the big green game handed, with the moving vibrating hand in the finger, get in touch and we'll thank you. Thank you very much. Right, ready? Oh, is there a green finger?
Yeah, in part of the PO box, part of one of the things was there was a game, which was like a big plastic green hand. That was like the thing from Adam's family. Now, as you said, it moves around, and then it points a finger, and that finger points to the true four-dir card. But it's a kid's game, so the true four-dir cards were like, true, have you ever seen an episode of East Enders?
Yeah. There. Wink. It's not all that good.
No, it's not all that good. You could make an adlep, you could make an adlep, if you wrote your own cards. Wink your meters to the assorted throng. If it's G-g-e-meters, he won't sit in the front.
No, it's a maximus. All right, just elude the Winkus Maximus. All right, I shall reveal my Mon's Pule Biz. Mon's Pule Biz.
Right, so here we go. There are three items I picked from this list of a few, right? Bonjour Mon's leg. So, what's that from?
This is a between game. Oh, oh, oh. So, we're going to do, Patwings. How many Patwings do we get?
Two for being spot on? One for being out either way by 25 pence. If you get the three in the right order, you get three Patwings. Sanded.
As we're under a time-cost, Paul. Yeah. I'm not complaining about you not voicing the Patwings. All right, but...
No, no, I'll give you a between now. Patwings? Is that a little phone or cuddle between? A little free one.
Thank you. I'll put that in my pocket in case I score zero. Right. Are you ready for your first item?
It's me, you're not playing against me. No, it's just for Patwings. Just for Patwings. I've seen the score because I've seen it open the letter to know what the...
No, because the box is full of everything. I didn't know what was part of my title. You saw it. You saw it.
Right. I saw it. I'm ready for my first item. Here we go.
Here we go. What's that? It's a needle... Needle word.
Needle picture. Cross-pick needle picture. It's a needle picture of Paul. Cross-stitch.
Of the nature you get in charity shops? Yeah. Ah, I've got it the right way up now. I need to be fair.
I didn't know what way up it went. I've got it the right way up now. I can see it Paul. It's a koala bear.
Yes, it does. It says here, join this koala. Join this because it's yellow. Yeah.
And join this is what you get if your liver doesn't function properly. Your skin turns yellow. Deep. Deep.
Deep. Sickly yellow. All of this. Koala's got a drinking problem.
He's on the eucalyptus bear. You had a fucking shit on your shoulder. How about that? Paul, are you trying to outdo mine?
I'm trying to outdo mine. I'm trying to outdo mine. It's been well received by mad people. Think about that.
Too fucking right. Better than your one. What? It's my one.
Really bad today. No, you're in. That's the biggest thing. Listen, just saying Australian fucking phrases is not gonna cut it around here.
It's saying hello. Give me something to say then. I'll say you. It's say hello.
My name is John Smith, I work in a bureau. Hello. My name is John Smith. Is Jamie Porsneh and I work in a bureau.
That's extremely poor. Sounds like he's trying to do Michael Kane. pretty shoddy. That's a seem better example of more detail.
It's quite small. It's about six by five inches. Um, play it enough, little thing, Paul. No, I'll give you a little hanger.
It's got a hanger. Yeah. How's it? No, that's a bit of loose red at the back.
This is a little bit of cellotape. Put together with cellotape. This seems to me like it was something that some mad old lady did. And when she died, they put it in a black bag and dropped it off at a charity shop.
Do we know about the origin of any of these items? As in IE, where were they were purchased? I was going to give you some information on that actually. I will reveal a few things to you.
This important corn won't at a charity shop. I will say right now, right? But everything you're about to see is dirt cheap. And I'll even go so far as to say everything is under a pound, right?
But it's dirt cheap. That's my big hint to you. And as far as I know, yes, this I remember. Ah, I just remember what the trick is.
Remember, one of them is free. One of these items is free. So you're going to have to get out of the three, which is free. Which out of the three is free.
Which of the three is free? And the other two are dirt cheap. I think this, John, this koala is a high contender for the free one because, you know what? Well, it's unfinished.
It's a bit and bold. It's just finished. I'm thinking the old lady died before she could put it in. Why?
Because she and the old folks, I went and put everything in the bin back and gave it to Bernardo. Oh, it's probably true. Can't we do something like, I don't know, someone that dropped their fanny juice, sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't instantly think of a backsto. It's not involved fanny juice. They'd be nice than dying though.
Oh, there's fanny juice. Make a cross stitch. Oh, I just had a bit of a discharge on that. Got to get rid of that.
And I'm still alive and very well. What is saying is someone made it? But then because they got fanny juice on it, they had to give it to a charity shop. Yeah.
Can you sniff it, please and see if you can recognise fanny. Oh, I've got to do something on that. It does smell like a nursing home a bit. Oh, good.
I'm correct. Because it's not going to say it smells fanny. It smells like the dying days of the hospital war. It's a bit antiseptic, isn't it?
So that smells strange. You're right. Anyway, I'm just saying, because that's a story. If she was just wearing continent, it just had a sort of a...
Right back on the board with the pluck on the board. No, you weren't. Was she a swirter though? Right.
Right. That's the first... Spertie fanny koala. Oh, good.
You're going to enjoy item number two. Oh, I can see. They're a pack of playing cards, sexy men playing cards. Sexy men playing cards.
Erotic real men. Yeah. Oh, they're coxing it. There are so many cox in that.
Proud cox, erect cox, relaxed cox, all kinds of cox, small cox, big cox, and would be held in hands. That would be very, in very poor taste. I'm hoping that if that happens to be true. They're all floppy.
They're not even getting hard on me. Oh, no, it is bloody hard. They're still a bit soft. Right.
I used to be raised now. They could be hard. They could be soft. They could be right.
They could be left. This is not fun. No, that's just so ridiculous. The thing is, I know that it's a joke thing.
No one really buys these cards to play games of poker. You know what I mean? Now, the thing with these is, well, look at the back. They look like a normal deck of cards.
They freak out your grand by looking on the grid. I don't know why grandes keep coming up. You could freak your grand out. Take this to a bridge club.
And like, you know what I mean? Look at all these cocks, grandi. No, but you could sneak this in because it looks like a normal deck of cards on the back. So a normal sort of lino, cut, finish, sort of thing.
Yeah. You could just cut, stick that in and then she's go, ooh, and go, did you like the cards again? You guys, she's like, oh, see that all the four left. Yeah, I saw him.
I've seen big ones, small ones, fat ones, thin ones, veiny ones, chubby ones, bulbous ones, ones that look like a mushroom ones that look like a hen's neck, one that looks like a turkey's leg, one that looks like an elephant's trunk, one that looks like a sky rocket, one that looks like a cloud, one that looks like an old man's nose. What else does another, like a chair leg? Well, that looks like a caveman's club. I want two minutes more of it.
Let's do this no more. Go on, I hate that item. And it's not just because I'm a hetero, right? So I hate it.
I would probably hate it less if there were girls. But I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Let me evaluate the cockage.
It's depressing. Two out of 10, five out of 10, six out of 10, six out of 10, two, one out of 10, five out of 10. Oh, he's whipped his out. He looks happy.
They're all out. It's all you have to do. Yeah, but some are kind of just out. And some are like, they're pulling them out.
Oh, look at this one with the army. He freaks me out. Why? I mean, he got his back on.
Does he think that's going to help him in war? Does he think that's going to help me more? Just launching at the enemy with his cock out? Well, that's what you seem to think of being a bit as well.
There's a few moments on the podcast where I say, images of this part of the show will not be on our website. The tube shotgun. Oh, look at him. I'm not.
Look at it. Why are you sitting on the kitchen counter? You have to eat food off that. I don't want ball-sweated ass-cracked juice on it.
And maybe a bit of dribble-age when they shot his load. And there's no cum shots in this. No, it's kind of just cock. He looks like he's falling asleep in the shower after taking too many moles or something.
Oh, no, no. Either way, sexy men cards. That's item number two. And possibly my favorite.
Ready for part three? Yes. I've not opened this, but I kind of think I know what it is. So I'm just going to let Eli explain what's going on.
Well, it's in bubble wrap. Which I'm going to... There's two Brucey bonuses in this for you as well. I'll give you those, isn't it?
Oh, there's Brucey bonuses. What? There's Brucey bonuses. No, I don't think there's a Brucey bonuses for you.
Well, I just look at it. Yeah, you just look at it. There's looks to be a wine glass of some sort pool. This is a real-time episode of Cheep Show.
No, it's uncut. Depending on what either of us says. Because, you know, sometimes I have to take stuff out. Come on, mate.
Oh, do the bubble wrap. Oh, mate. Stop making a noise on the mic. Sounds sensitive, mate.
Oh, I can see it's a David Buggy Bob. David Buggy Bob. What? David Buggy Bob.
David Buggy Wineglass. Whoa, what a lovely thing. He says, ironically, because it's quite horrible. Mate, go with it.
You're going to break Bowie's shaft. Come on. Give it a calm down. No, no, give it here.
I won't be defeated by it. I'll be defeated by it. I won't be defeated by it. If you're eating into the type of sausage-based thing, there's a range of dust.
There's my honey. I've done it. I've almost done it. It's packed very well, Paul.
I'm glad it was packed very well, and reached us in one piece. Because, you know, things like this, they tend to break and just... They have reached us in one piece and I'm trying. This is a regular shop eating one piece.
I'm eating into this time. Shut up. It's the tape. What a nightmare.
It's a living hell. I won't ever finish. You've turned this into an egg around and po-po. Oh, I'm just going to ease it over the rim now.
Please ease it over the rim. He's remaining scraggly package over the rim. He's the flap. Oh, it's done.
Vlogging. That was two minutes. Oh, it's a sticky starter, so you're a... Yes, it's a sort of stencil which portrays Bowie from...
Ziggy Bob. No, it's the very famous one taken by Duffy, the photographer Duffy, where it's a tinted photo with the makeup. The Diamond... Diamond Dogs.
Lightning. Like it's right across his face. I believe that's not from... I think it's Aladdin's saying was the album which had that picture on.
Ziggy Sardos. Ziggy Sardos. Ziggy Sardos, he's on a road. Best song Bowie ever wrote was Danson in the street.
No, it wasn't. He did not write that. Richard Jugget. I'm not even...
Who's this newsing for? I'm a fine-o-musing. Anyway, the bass of this one... I don't mind that...
The Bowie thing. Yeah. The Bowie thing. Sorry.
The Bowie stencil. That's all right. But I know he's going to go next to it. The fucking bass I'm covered in glue and red glitter and there's sort of crystal.
There's a ring of crystals right around it. Is that meant to represent his costume? I guess so, because he was glittery, wasn't it? Did he wear that red spandex?
That's not bad, I assume. It's not bad. It's very tacky. But for the Bowie completed, Paul, probably a must-by.
No, I'll tell you for this one. It was bought from the YMCA that one. I'll just give it away. That's not the free item, then.
Paul. The swing in the back. I helped too much. You still got to get the price.
Yes, I do. Porn card, koala, and Bowie glass. Let's do it in the order that they were introduced to me, Paul. The koala.
Yeah. I think that's the free item. It's unfinished. It's very poor quality.
OK. And it's a type of thing like, it's feel bad putting any kind of price on it. OK. All right.
So, free item. It was given to him or he found it somewhere. I couldn't tell you. Maybe it was one of those I bought this and they throw that in for three kind of deals.
45p for the cock cards. For the cock cards. Yeah. And Bowie glass.
It's 50p. Maybe I'll go down to 30p for the... 35 for the sexy men. It's not a card.
35 for the sexy men. 40. 45 for the 65. 45 for the 65.
But I'm going to go 55. I'm thinking about it right now. I'm going to go 55 for Bowie, Mark. Bowie glass.
OK. Free for the John DeS'Cawala. Right. And 35, because I'm trying to get the between.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to get. They are.
And they work just as much as any other between. They are. What if I got all three right? Would you give me some kind of between bonus?
I might give you a long between. I don't want a long between. Or like a between, a wing, a wing. I want no strings attached, quick between.
Which I don't have to think about the next day. All right. Then I'll give you a quick twin against the bike shed. Thank you.
All right. Yes. I'll between your twang off. I'll between your meters.
I'll read your meters. Come to read your meters. Hello. I'm the gashman.
I've come to read your meters. Right. Come on. Hello.
Hello. I'm the gashman. Oh, yes. Look, he's trying to kill time because you've seen the clock.
We've got another fucking two minutes. And here we go then. So the koala. I said it was three.
I get two between. You do. You won't know because that was 10 people. That wasn't the free item.
So that was only 10 people. The free item. This game is stupid. You were the free item was the sexy men cards.
I know it now. Same shoppers. Something else. And finally, the Bowie glass was 50 people.
I got a swing. I won't need this between my back pocket from the. No, no, no. You've got a between this at one between.
It's one of those things. Because it's three. It's like it's heavily weighted to like either good success or failure. You know, in terms of it's always going to be two for one.
That was going to be two for one. No, it's not. What on earth do you mean? What on earth do you mean by that?
I think you can only get two. Try to explain that. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense. What you try to say?
Ladies and gentlemen, they catch on with the joke. You can do really well. We don't. No, you know how many betweens are possible there?
At least six. So I could have got one. I could have got nine. I could have got three.
How can I got nine? If you between my meters. No, you have talking shit. I want you to take back what you said about three being some weird number.
Were you only score low or only high? Because it's just not true, Paul. It's not true. You could score one between as I did.
I could have scored two betweens. And there's two ways I could have scored two betweens. I could have got one. I could have got one.
I could have got one about the glass that you couldn't do with your beefy gorilla hands. Animals of the wild have more dexterity than you do. Oh, fuck off. I'm actually dangerous.
And now you're wasting time going into the betweens and the fact that you didn't get the ones you wanted. I don't know where else you want from, you make. Fuck. You failed.
We're moving on. Next segment is Silverman's Platter, which has been supplied by someone who isn't Eli Silman's another PO box. Entry. You stop the clock, by the way.
No, I haven't. It's 42 minutes left. Now I have to pause and wait five seconds looking at the clock. Well, you couldn't even fill in to make it interesting.
We're not doing it real time. You put your sound effect in it. No, which is real time. Oh, I can do my own sound effects.
No, no sound effects. What about this? What about this, Paul? The platter.
Slightly moving your sunglasses to one of the mics does not count and barely registers. No, this is awful. Your Foley work is appalling, Mr. Silman.
Oh, Nate, don't. What about this, Paul? 42 minutes left, mate. Stop playing with the cop card.
What you're you going to do? You're going to fan the cocks in your face. Yes. You're going to have 52 cops in your face at once.
Go on, here we go. All right, that's the sound effect to do that. Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for Silman's Platter. I thought you'd only do the sound effect.
I just said do the sound effect on. Ladies and gentlemen, now it's time for Silman's Platter. What a fucking wretched mess. Yes, it's that part of the show.
We like to call Silman's Platters, and it's where we take old records, perhaps they didn't forgotten, perhaps some of them you remember them, but they're records. Aren't they? They're records or songs or novel songs or songs? And then we listen to them.
We do a little bit of research, tell you a little bit about the story behind the song, Paul. Yes. We write them. We've got a very simple writing system for songs on Silman's Platter's, Paul.
You simply do it hit all me, but we can't call it that, because other people call it that. So it's either a platter, which means we like it, or it's a splatter, Paul. And that means we throw it against the wall. What is your setting set to tedious today?
Are you like sector tedious? I really am. Right. But before we start this section, we've got to have a little word from the patron saint of this segment, Paul.
I'm going to go over to him right now. Clyde McPatter, are you there, Clyde? Yes. How are you doing today?
Fine. Do you like this segment, the show we've named after you? I do. Right.
Back to the studio. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be involved in this ongoing segment. OK, good.
Bye then. Bye. That's back. Oh, he was a nice chap, that man.
What have we got on Silman's Platter's this week, Paul? Right. So we had a load of records come from a, someone called Charlie. And hello, my name is Charlie.
I've been listening to about two years. I've opted to take this out to avoid brutal scrutiny for me like, as my handwriting is terrible. That's fair enough. Now, he didn't say hello to me.
He didn't say hello to me either, so don't worry about it. He's got a high cheap show. So it's a bit impersonal. It's a bit impersonal, but it's fine.
He's being mad at me. Who's being addressed now? So look, the thing is, I feel like I've got my back up a bit, Paul, because he said, oh, Eli's going to scrutinize it. They're handwriting.
You know, I accept all types of handwriting. My handwriting's not perfect, Paul. No, because you're big chunky meaty kind of play-doh hands. Can't hold a pen.
Can they? Oh, he's coughing. He's coughing. Oh, man.
Eli's coughing. I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to fuck you. Oh, you cheeky boy.
Right. What we're going to do is look at Charlie's records. Now, Charlie's sent a load. Eli and I have filtered them out to the one that really did interest us and could inspire us to talk about things around the single.
Right? What? Just give me a break. You're trying to hurry too much because you're maggling.
You're starting to maggle laggle. I'm always maggle laggle. You're not a maggle laggle. You're not a maggle laggle.
You're on the goo. You're already waiting. You're on the water. You're on the water.
You're on the Friday mat. I'm in constant anguish and you always maggle laggle. Oh, I've got the Doris bonuses from the game. There's one.
Oh, my bonus. My bonus. Your bonus. Oh, I like the bonus for all of you.
I'm liking this so I can see a little badge. I'm going to pop that down. What's it say? You are a bum.
I'm going to be putting that down. It's a terrible badge. It is a terrible badge. And there's a little show on the sheep from Wallachine Grum.
Oh, that's quite nice, isn't it? Yeah. I definitely put that with my other little sheep. Yeah, you can't go wrong with Sean the sheep.
He's lovely, isn't he? That's good. I like that. Sean the sheep.
He's with the other two free artists. Right, they pull. Yeah. Yeah.
So you can have those little brusy bonuses for you, mate. Right. So we filtered them out. Now, back to the platter.
Charlie wrote a letter. And in the letter goes on about how one of the songs he bought was from a charity shop. And that one of the songs was a Black and White minstrel show. And he said, how difficult it was buying it in the charity shop because the lady looked like she had Caribbean roots kind of thing.
And he felt bad buying a reasonably racist item from a charity shop just to send to us. And I just wanted to say, first of all, Charlie, thank you for your valiant effort. But the thing about Black and White minstrel show is that there's not much we can do about it because they're outdated. And we talked about it's like we talk about how Joe, oh, he's choking on water.
Why can't you drink now, either? The bottom line is we don't need Black and White minstrel and sent us. Jesus Christ. Jesus, wet Eli.
You're dying on air. We've got a team that's sorted. I'm fine. So thank you for sending the Black and White minstrel show.
Don't go through the pain of anyone else having to do it. We're fine. We're not going to cover it. It's shit.
Somebody sent me a Hitler stamp as well, Paul. Yeah, we mentioned that, I think. I've done it. We don't need outwardly shocking stuff for us to talk about.