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That's why I asked my friends to make me watch their favorite movies that I've never seen before. So on today's podcast, we're going to be watching the movie Arsenic and Old Lace. It's from the 1940s. This actually is still a pretty popular play that's put on. So I've never seen this movie before. So I'm going to go ahead and do a blind judgment of the movie just based on the title alone. So here's the plot of Arsenic and Old Lace. A CIA agent goes undercover as an old lady to assassinate Hitler.
The Hitler, you know. Along the way, he finds out he may want to stay as an old lady forever. Arsenic and old lace. Yay. So why don't we go ahead and watch the movie then?
And now, the plot of Arsenic and Old Lace in under 60 seconds. I'm Mortimer Brewster. I don't want anybody to see that I'm getting married. Oh, my God, is that Mortimer Brewster? No, no, no, I don't want to do it. Oh, all right, let's just do it. Oh, kiss me. Look. You're going to see a lot more of that. Oh, stop it. Now I'm going to go check in with my aunts. Hi, aunts. Hello. Hi, sweetheart. Hello. Hi. Don't drink the wine. Don't drink the wine. Why? It's mulberry wine, and I put arsenic in it. It's poison. But it's poison. There's also a body under your window. Oh, Mr. Whitmore? Teddy's got to move that teddy. Charge! Charge!
My God, my deranged brother must have killed all these people. Operator, operator, give me a doctor. I've got to put him away. Put him somewhere. Hey, it's your brother. Johnny, don't get upset, Johnny. Don't say I look like Boris Karloff. He does. I was in a face. Listen, you might be an estranged brother that clearly looks like a murderer, but I've got to take care of my other brother. He clearly did it. I'm a critic.
Hey, let me explain the plot to you of another play that's very similar to this so I can set myself to get tied up by my deranged, murderous brother. Oops! This is so entertaining. He has no idea. You're behind him with a rope. Now, I'll kill you, but first, some wine. Hey, this is the cop. Your brother's been blowing his bugle too loud. Oh, my God. They're not supposed to see me here. Mortimer! Mortimer! Mortimer! You're a woman! Mortimer!
Don't you even care at all? I don't know. Not really. I love you. Get out of here. Oh, that face. If we're taking Teddy, then you should take me and my sister as well. We don't want to be apart from him. No, we love Teddy and we just want to be there for him. Oh, by the way, Mortimer, you're not our real, you're not related to us. Yeah, surprise. Your mother wasn't. You're not crazy. Your mother was a marginal slave who had you in our kitchen and we were, oh, what a lovely little boy. So much plot happened in the last three minutes of this movie. Well, we had to jam it in somewhere. The end. Hi, Emily. Hey, what's up? Welcome. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you. Oh, man. So, uh, so, Arsenic and Old Lace.
It's not something that a lot of people our age have probably seen before. First of all, thank you for placing me in the category of our age. We are all the same age. Are we? Wink. So when did you first see this movie? What made you pick it? This is one of my dad's favorite movies. Oh, yeah. And my dad's a big old time movie fan. So like growing up.
We used to watch the Alistair Sims version of A Christmas Carol. It's very old, and it's, like, ever since then, we've had, like, an old movie-watching thing together. Nice. So it's one of his favorite movies, and I remember it being, like, more scary than it actually was when I rewatched it. Yeah. But I figured you'd not seen it. Yeah, you're right. I hadn't seen it. I remember in high school, a friend of mine was in, like, the play version of it. Oh, really? He was the Cary Grant character in it. Was he super popular? Yes. Yeah. And he was, like, cute. He was, like, handsome. So, yeah, you know. But that was the first time I'd seen it, but I didn't even remember half of the stuff that happened. I think...
As a kid in high school, I was very confused by, like, the absurdity of it all. I was like, this seems unreal. This seems unlikely. It's like, yeah, that's the point. Like, this would never happen. Also, I didn't even remember. It takes place on Halloween. Yeah. Yeah. I liked it. I thought it was like a scary, dark comedy. Like, darker comedy than I would have expected for the time. But it was very interesting. It's like, it had a lot of different effects to it. Pete was saying that it's like a Looney Tunes cartoon, kind of. Like, it has elements of it that are like a Looney Tunes cartoon. I had no idea what it was about. This is one of the movies that I had also not seen.
the title is misleading to me. I don't think, I mean, I get it. It's old ladies and poison, but I had something very different in my mind before I started watching the movie. But the first scene is just like, a fist fight of 1940s baseball players on the baseball field. And it very much immediately felt like a Looney Tunes. Right? It's like, hey, wait a second, it's smack, and they're all just fighting. He says something, I'm going to knock off your block, you old stiff. I was like, yes, the first line of the movie is so 1940s. I loved it. It shows a crowd of angry guys, like, hey, I'm going to knock you off your block. And there is no point to that scene. Was there anybody from the rest of the movie in that scene? Why is that shown? I have no idea other than it's basically. Wishes are medicine.
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That was probably the most expensive scene in the whole movie because of all the extras and the location and everything you had to do to set that up. And it's nonsense. It's total nonsense. The rest of the movie happens in one house. Yeah, it's very much like a play. It's like it all takes place in the living room. What was the transition from the baseball thing to the marriage?
court or whatever. I thought that's something I wanted to mention was like it was so funny to me that they had just the narration right at the beginning so it had the screens that would show like this is the year 1943 and the Halloween night and then as it ends it says and that's where we'll leave you or it's like we're going to leave you right here for you to figure the rest of it out. You're on your own from here. That's what it is. You're on your own. It's like this is so weird. It's like a sentient little That's why it more felt like a Looney Tunes cartoon because it felt like one of those
Looney Tunes where none of the characters were in it. It was just like, a day at the zoo. And there was the narrator. They're like, here, you see the tiger. He likes popcorn. And then it just moves on to something else. And here's the door for his mother-in-law. And here's the unnecessary racism. Yes. Which happens. That was so awful. Also happens right at the top. And I was like, oh no. I was like, what are we getting ourselves into with this? Yeah, I wrote that down too. It was, they're in, they're in line for their marriage license and a couple in front of them both turn around and smile at them. And there's a lady. Yeah, and it's a wedding march. So it's da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then this Asian woman turns around and is like.
Why did they just play like a twangy sitar? It doesn't make any sense. And then I guess he was a Jewish guy. I didn't even catch that. So then a Jewish man turns around and it becomes like klezmery. Like a lot of oboe. And give him like a dirty look back. Yeah, they're both like, but did you also notice this? That they both slowly winked with one eye. And then later in the film.
That's, like, a thing with the aunts and the neighbor and the new wife. Is everyone, like, when they're about to be up to something, like, just slowly winks with one eye? I didn't catch that. Yeah. Hmm. I don't know. Maybe that's a 1940s thing. Wink. Yeah. Secret OSS stuff. I thought that, I mean, the other reason I thought it was, like, over-the-top Looney Tunes kind of stuff is Cary Grant's facial expressions throughout the entire movie. He's, like, mugging so hard. Okay, you guys are going to get upset about this. I'm about to say something probably incorrectly, but I think he's a human jiff.
Uh-huh. Maybe you pronounce it gif. I don't know. But he is. He's, like, a moving, like, just piece-by-piece gif that I just want to, like, break down and store in my phone to send as a response when people send me shocking things. And, in fact, that's exactly what I did to Emily. Yes, you did. Without even, like, having this conversation. It was the first moment whenever Cary Grant opens up the window seat and sees the dead body in there, and then he sits on it and then realizes, oh, my God, there's a dead body in there. And he's just looking around for a good ten seconds of, huh?
and I looked up and like there's gotta be gifs of him and so I like looked it up she's in the hard G camp yeah I'm a gif girl and I looked it up and there's like there were literally 11,000 gifs when I just typed in arsenic and old lace gifs and it was all Cary Grant's face of him just being like it's so good so that's another great like Looney Tunes comparison he's very cartoony throughout the movie there's actually a moment where he's racing to get the door and he like stumbles over the chair and it's like they use the speed up slow down yeah I noticed that I thought it was hysterical too very cartoony yeah But then there's that great moment of him looking over his shoulder. He's still, he's like on the ground with his butt in the air because he just fell over a chair and he just turns around slowly and he's like, he's like, dead ass though. He had a nice, nice butt. Okay, do we know much about Cary Grant, by the way? No, I don't.
I always get him, in his backstory, confused with Rock Hudson. Oh, okay. Because they were both, like, hotties of their day. And, like, the heterosexual symbol of, like, sexuality. Yeah. But one of them was gay. Rock Hudson, I think. Rock Hudson? Damn. That might have been Cary Grant. That would have been great if we could have talked about Cary Grant being gay. I mean, maybe he was. Maybe he just was, like, better at hiding it. Yeah. Emily's puppy is here, by the way. Yeah. Drinking game. Anytime you hear the squeaky toy, you have to drink whatever beverage is near you.
Doing great. It's so cute. Such a cute dog. Most of the dialogue in that movie, it was so dry. The answer was just very casual. They're like, do you guys know that you have a body in there? Yeah, of course, dear. Now what do you want for dinner? And it's just so many moments of him being like, oh, you already knew that. Wait a second, what? It's like taking a long time to process something. Well, it's funny because I think the whole point of the movie or the whole point of his character is he feels like he's going crazy because everyone around him is acting like people being murdered and people dying is so completely normal. And he's just like trying to keep it together and is...
he just keeps going into these, like, psychotic episodes of, like, everything's fine. Meanwhile, he's also trying to get Teddy committed. Yeah, right. And to put in a rest home. That made me sad. Yeah, that was kind of sad. Well, it is an interesting, it's interesting to see that, like, a film of that time period touching on mental illness and how it was viewed. Because, like, there's one point where the judge or the person who, the doctor who converts, like, oh, we've got at least ten Teddy Vels in here. Yeah, yeah. I thought that was so funny. If he's a Napoleon, though, we're short on Napoleons right now. Right. Maybe a Napoleon. Oh, yeah, I thought that was great. Like, if we have another Teddy Roosevelt in here, there's going to be a problem. They're going to fight each other to figure out who's the real Teddy Roosevelt.
But I mean, that's like, I'm just thinking about my sister. She's a doctor, but she had to go through like all these rounds before she went into her specialty. And one of them was psych. And she said they were like, it was really bad because at the time they had two guys who both thought that they were Jesus. And they kept fighting each other. It's like a real thing that happened. Which is weird because Jesus was pretty nonviolent. They didn't care about that. I mean, I'm Jewish, so I don't know details, but I'm pretty sure he was like a piece of paper. If he would have seen another Jesus, he could have gone ham on them. Would have knocked your block off. Y'all stiff? Knock your block off, y'all stiff. I mean, an important part of the movie too is they have 12 bodies buried in their cellar. And the only reason...
they are able to do that is because Teddy Roosevelt thinks he's digging the Panama Canal, which are just graves for the bodies. And he's been told that they're typhoid fever victims. That's right. Yeah. And so they need to be buried immediately so that no one else is going to get typhoid fever. They take such advantage of this poor guy who has schizophrenia or whatever. What was the deal with the clock? Yeah. Because they reset it every time after he does the bugle blow. Yeah. So there's like, must be some inside joke we're missing there. I think so. It must be something. Or a deleted scene.
because everything that happened seemed to like be a part of this puzzle that came together except for that every time teddy slammed his door the clock the two hands would like droop down and then they'd have to reset the clock and then it's like that's all that happens is they reset it a bunch of times it's never like a what time is it right oh it's 6 30 yeah i have no idea yeah that that struck me as weird too and i thought yeah i thought it was like a symbol that i was missing or something like that yeah oh man it was uh Sorry, go ahead. No, just some kind of 40s reference. You go back and watch Looney Tunes. They make jokes where you're like, oh, okay. I just wrote, I was going to repeat a line that I wrote down that says, I think this is like when they're at the marriage license bureau or whatever you want to call it.
His wife says, oh, I packed my bag the day after I met you. And he goes, that's what I hate about you women. And then they kiss each other. I was like, that's not nice. He's horrible to her. How about the fact that she gets nearly choked out and is like immediately like, oh, thank God you're here. Your brother or this man tried to kill me. And he's like, not now, dame. And he like throws her out. And you're like, what? And she's okay with that? Yeah, she had zero like.
backstory or background at all. The movie ended with, she freaked out because she saw all the dead bodies and comes out and is hyperventilating and is like, oh my god, and he throws her over his shoulder. And he just keeps macking on her. He just keeps kissing her and then eventually she just goes, oh, whatever, and kisses him back. That's how it works, right? No.
I didn't notice anything wrong with that. If you found dead bodies in my basement, I'd just smooch you until you forgot about it. Although, guys, maybe it's a very highbrow commentary on society because it is a dark comedy. So maybe they were trying to say, like, yeah, men can get away with anything as long as they've got a good kisser. Yeah. Right? Sure. Like, a woman will fall in line even if you murder somebody if you just know how to smooch them right.
But not really. Not really. See the social commentary? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is pretty high-brow. Right? Yeah, they totally were thinking above the intelligence of their audience. Making it so misogynistic that it's actually a critique upon itself. It's a satire. It's what it is. It's just a big satirical comedy. I think anything that doesn't make sense in this movie, you have to figure out how it relates to that baseball scene. That's true. That's true. That's the missing link. You know what it is? That's very true. Somebody got knocked out at the baseball game, and this is all in their imagination. A fever game. Yeah, yeah. They're just having this weird nightmare in their head. I like that. Yeah. Maybe the guy that gets knocked out at the baseball game is Johnny, the deranged brother.
And then he wakes up years later, and he's got a messed up face. Oh, okay, I wanted to talk a little bit about that, because I read a fact that was about the whole Jonathan character. So, okay, do you guys know who Boris Karloff is? He was an actor. Yeah, he was an actor who played, like, Frankenstein. Yeah, he played Frankenstein. I think that's, like, the big joke there, too. It's, like, how he looks like Frankenstein. Right. So the character, the guy who plays Jonathan is not Boris Karloff. It's the guy that they put, like, prosthetics on to kind of look like him, and everybody keeps making that joke of, like, you know who you look like? But in the stage production of it, Boris Karloff did play Jonathan. Oh. So it was, like, a joke that they played in the movie where they just kept mentioning, hey, you know who you look like? And he'd be, like, no, I don't look like him. Yeah. You know, get on a murderous rampage. I wonder if there's, like, a backstory there, too. They, like, tried to get Boris Karloff to be in the movie, and he was, like, no thanks.
Oh, we got it. Okay, wait, let's hear from the audience. Two characters left the show to be the movie. So it was a salty jam. I love that. In case you didn't hear that, the stage production was going on at the same time. They had two of the actors who were in the show come and be in the movie. They got eight-week leave to be in the movie, but Boris couldn't do it because he was also an investor in the play, so he couldn't leave. That's so juicy. I love it. They just kept making inside jokes about it. They tease it out, too. They don't save Boris Karlov until maybe the latter half, latter third of the movie.
I felt like I was missing something that whole time. I was like, what's the joke? They keep saying because he looks like Frankenstein. Right, right. Do you know from the audience which two cast members were in the movie? Josephine Hall and Gina Dare. Okay. Okay. That's what I was going to guess. Yeah.
Yeah, they're great. The whole thing is kind of meta because he is a critic of plays, and they're just doing the movie version of a play, and then he references another play about murder and the tropes in it, so that's cool that they added that extra layer. That was my favorite part of the movie was whenever Cary Grant is like, you know, if this was a play, this would be going on, like this bozo, and he basically described everything that was happening, and then they did the exact same thing to him. Some bozo, you know, they keep telling him, get out of the house, everybody's dying here, and he's just going to stay because he can't help himself, and then he's going to get tied up in a chair and going to get gagged, and they're like, oh yeah, and then what's going to happen? Oh, and then they're going to put like...
paper in his mouth and then they did all that stuff. I don't know. It was just funny. My favorite line in the whole movie came from Dr. Einstein who was just like this New York character. Who's the best? Peter Lorre is amazing. Yeah, he's like a character actor. Oh, God. With his bug eyes? God, he's the best. Mr. Johnny. Mr. Johnny. Anyway, my favorite line comes from Dr. Einstein. He goes, well, these people in plays pretend to have sense. I don't know why it made me laugh so hard. You know, in context, it's really funny. So, check out the movie. I don't even know what you think about that line. My favorite part is when they're like describing him as the suspect and, uh,
you know slight build five four bug eyes and then he just slowly closes his eyes and they're like okay we'll keep our eye out and just continue on that's another great part of it is that all of the like law enforcement that comes in are very incompetent or they're just like weird they don't pick up on the fact that bad things are happening like um they keep making the joke or not joke but people the cops are like in their house and everybody keeps saying over and over again that they are 12 bodies buried in the basement and they're like yeah yeah you're crazy that's a funny joke and they just keep doing that over and over again they don't take it seriously at all It's not a very grounded movie. No, but have you ever been at a crime scene or part of a crime scene investigation? Because I have. Have you? Yeah, I have. I think I know what you're talking about. Do you? It was a car accident, right? No. Oh, that was so sad. No, this was in a building that I lived in in Ravenswood.
There was a tenant who lived a couple floors above me. I'm, like, the person who, of course, like, befriends everyone in the building, including the crazies, because crazy people love me. So she was an actress. This was not in my acting days. I was still a lawyer at the time. And we had become friends, and she, like, even lent me one of her, like, SAG, AFTRA, whatever, like, DVDs for something that hadn't come out yet. And I was watching it. All of a sudden, I hear screaming. And it wakes me up. And then I realize the screaming and the pounding are on my own door. Oh, my God. And it's the middle of the night.
And at the time I was living with my boyfriend and we had very different reactions to this. My reaction was, oh my God, Jesus Christ, like let her in. She's a woman in terror. And then my boyfriend was like, yeah, but we don't know her that well. And what if the terror just follows her in? And I was like, yeah, but like, you know, and then I was like, maybe I'm an idiot and I don't know how to react in a crisis situation. So he yells out, go in your apartment, lock the door. We're calling the cops.
We call the cops and they come and then they were like, it's safe for you to come upstairs. And this woman is asking for you, repeatedly asking for you. And which is like, again, I don't know her that well. But I'm like, fuck, if she's asking for me, like I got to go. So I go up there and it's the long and short of it was there was a guy who she brought home and then she felt like that this guy had drugged her. And so as soon as she felt the effects of it, she like ran to get.
you know someone that could help her and then he snuck out and like ran off oh but i was there and i was in the middle of like this crime scene i was like kind of using my deductive reasoning to put stuff together like there were two drinks on the table the ice wasn't even melted yet so this must have happened recently and like there was just evidence of plenty yeah and it was just being like totally tromped on and ignored by the police like not to slam the police because it's a necessary job in society and it sucks but there are some people who just like they you know those common sense signals are 12 bodies in the basement how many times we're gonna ignore it right i was just like yeah this there are some people who walk into a situation and they're just blatantly ignoring things that may be important right Which is what I felt like they were saying in their satire of the police in this movie. Definitely. He was the chief or the captain or whatever. He was more concerned that that dumb cop didn't check in. You're going to be in big trouble. Everyone's looking out for you. It's like that one-track mind thing of not... This is totally off-subject, but you know those psychology tests that they would do where they ask you a question? It's like people playing basketball, and they say, how many times did they pass the ball? And so you're watching them pass the ball, and then a guy in a gorilla suit comes through the back, and they're like, did you miss something? And then they show it again. You totally didn't notice the guy in the gorilla suit because you were watching the passes. It's like that kind of situation in this movie.
Oh, God. I thought all the characters in it were just so funny and, like, full of... I don't know. It's just like seeing those over-the-top characters that you don't really see too much now. Like the cab driver. Can we talk about the cab driver? That was my favorite. Honestly, that was my favorite bit in terms of the writing. Especially when he's like, it's 2250. Yeah, it's a great suit. It fits you well. No, not me. The fare is 2250. You're going to own the cab by the time this is over. He's like, no, I don't want it. It doesn't look like it'll fit me. It's not my size. Like, what? Yeah, and then the cab driver. Like, at one point, the guy, I think Cary Grant, runs up to him and shakes the cabbie and says, I need a cab. And he goes, okay. And he hails one and gets him in the cab and is like, what did I do? I have my own cab. That was a great bit. One of the first things he said
of him having to wait around a long time, was they just cut to him standing outside of his cabin. He just goes, I wonder what Mary's doing right now. And that's just, like, the only thing that he had to say. He just sat out there all night while all this insanity was going on. I can't remember if that was, like, part of the play whenever I saw it, because it's been so long. The whole cab driver bid? Yeah, yeah. I don't know how they would have done it, because, I mean, the play does take place just only in the living room. Everything else just happens with, you know, them, like, walking in and off of that set. So, I don't know.
It was funny. It was a funny addition if that was something they just added to the movie. That was my favorite part. Mm-hmm. Love that bit. I also need to bring up Johnny the Ravenous Murderer. Yeah. Yes. They, like, briefly picked up a picture of Cary Grant's brother. Like, oh, remember Johnny? Yeah. I don't want to think about it. And it was very bizarre. Yeah. Like, remember when his teeth fell out? Some crazy thing. Ooh, ooh. Did you get that, like, when he was, uh...
first meeting Johnny and realizing it was him. And then Johnny was like, yeah, don't you remember when you were a kid and I tied you to the bed and stuck needles under your nails? Yeah. I was like, that was terrifying. That's fucked up now. That is like one of the most horrible things I can imagine. Like just having sharp objects poked under your fingernails and that soft flesh.
I could never forgive a person for that. No, definitely. And he was very casual. He's like, I'm busy, man. Get out of here. Get out of here, you. He totally was. I was like, wait, he tortured you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got important things to worry about. I remember you being a real-life nightmare, but I've got to put my brother away. See ya. Oh, God, yeah. So he shows up. He's got scars all over his face, and he's just this looming monster that's like, hello, it's me, Johnny. He just has a dead gaze. Yeah. And he was so tall that it was like, I don't even think he's looking at the people he's talking to. Yeah. He's just generally looking off to the side, which is somehow more unsettling.
Yeah, I thought it was really funny too just that his doctor was like his only friend who just followed him around everywhere. His friend was an alcoholic. Dr. Einstein. Mom, have my schnapps. He would just follow him to every new place and then would reconstruct his face every time they moved to a new place to keep him off the most wanted list or whatever. There's a part where...
All the lights are off, and Johnny, there's this huge monster, and Dr. Einstein, this little German guy, are trying to bring in a body through the window into the basement, and he just keeps repeating the same two lines over and over again for a while, and I thought that it was a mistake, that my video was broken, because you can't see anything. It's just complete darkness. He's just like, oh, Johnny, he's so heavy. Help me. Help me. He's so heavy. Help me. He's so heavy. I was just like, what the fuck? Yeah. Oh, God. Because actually right after that, there is a weird sound mistake, too, when the fiancé, or I guess the new wife, is getting...
gagged by Johnny the scream is like oh I noticed that too yeah I did I noticed some weird stuff like that too and I even I looked up just some weird like trivia about the movie but one of the things they said they left in like a lot of goofs in the movie one of them was what's his name at the end Mr. Witherspoon who is like the he runs the sanitarium where they're gonna take the Teddy Roosevelt brother, or whatever, and he's having a conversation with Mr. Brewster, who is Cary Grant's character, and Mr. Witherspoon says to Mr. Brewster, Mr. Witherspoon, and Mortimer just goes, no, you're Mr. Witherspoon, I'm Mr. Brewster, and then they keep doing the scene, that was an accident. And then right after that, Teddy's character says Mr. Witherfork, and Cary Grant picks up, and then Mr. Witherspoon says, it's spoon, and then Cary Grant just picks a spoon up, and he has a spoon.
It's just so absurd. It's great because it fits. The movie's so wacky. There's parts where Cary Grant will see something and he'll just be like, oh boy, and just look right into the camera. Yeah, that threw me off the first time he did it. He looked right into my eyes. I was like, whoa. Are you watching this still? We've been doing this for six weeks. It's crazy. I hate my performance. Isn't that true? Yeah, he didn't like it. I thought it was so funny, but he said this is like one of his least.
one of his least favorite movies because he thought it was so over the top when he went back and watched it. Like, how did he not know when you're doing it? When you're going, that I was going to come across over the top? I don't know. I liked it, though. I don't know why he didn't, but whatever. Yeah. Well, as an actor, you know it's sometimes really hard to watch yourself on camera. That's true. Yeah, that's true. Especially when you're a cartoon character. Yeah, yeah.
There's also more racism in it, too. Do you remember when they didn't want to bury that one body? Oh, right. He's a good Methodist man who shouldn't be buried with a foreigner. Yeah. Or moments like that. We're like, I'm having a great time. Wow. Okay. This is from the 40s. Yeah, you're minded right away. But again, is it written to the Times or is it written as a satire of the Times? No. Who knows? Watching Cary Grant making a Jewish quote face back to that guy was one of the most offensive things I've ever seen. That guy's happy he got married. He's like, you got a dumb face. Get out of my face.
It's comedy, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was some, oh, what was, oh, I wrote it down. Oh, okay, the cab driver, whenever he first lets them out of the cab, he says, I've seen osculation in my cab before, but nothing like that. And I was like, what the hell is osculation? Mickey outies. It's Mickey outies. Yeah, because then he's like, and she left her brooch and her hat and a stocking. It's like he's just handing back things that were like errantly tossed around his cab and they were just like horned up in the back seat. And they're just like, we just got married. It's okay. We're totally gonna make out in the back of the cab. Mortimer hated her brooch.
Yeah. He brought it up multiple times. He did. What is this? What are you dressed up for? Your aunts gave it to me. Your aunts gave it to me. Because they didn't want it. It's ugly. You look ugly today. I'm mad. Kiss me. Okay. Every time. Yeah. He literally picked her up and threw her out the front door. Yeah. Yes, he did. And he said, I'm not throwing you out. And then threw her out. I'm like, oh, I get it. Oh, that's nice. She slammed the window on his hand. That's true. Let's give her that. Yeah. She got to do that. Now, was she slamming the window on her hand? Because that's what happens in the 40s?
Or was that a highbrow sort of commentary? Oh, here we go. Like closing the window of communication between. Yeah. You know what it made me think of, though, that whole relationship was, I don't know if you've seen this, but there's like a video compilation of every time that a man in a movie. Yes, a man in a movie has laid a girl over his leg and spanked her. Yeah, you've been mad. And she's just like, no!
But it's like in serious movies too. Like it's not just like a silly thing. So weird though. I hate all parts of that. Yeah. It was unsettling to watch because that was just like what they used to do in the movie. Like you're being annoying. Come here so I can slap your butt. Like you've been a bad girl. Pop, pop, pop, pop. It was weird. But yeah, they didn't do that in this movie. He didn't slap her on the butt but basically it was the same thing. Got gypped. It was the same thing. Yeah. You wanted to see some spanking? I mean if it's on the table. Okay. All right. All right.
Did you know that gypped is a politically incorrect term? Explain it. It actually refers to gypsies. Oh. Oh, boy. And, like, negatively slandering that group of people for, like, wheeling and dealing and peddling wares. Can I say I got shortchanged? Is that one safe? Yes. I think everyone in here is above 5'4". No? This lady got burned.
Yeah. Yeah, I was actually thinking, sometimes when I watch these older movies, I think if they ever remade it, or I wonder if anybody would be interested in remaking this movie, what they would do to it. Ooh, can we cast it? Oh, they did? Yeah. 1969 what? A TV movie. Of course. I'm going to have to watch that. Can we cast it with today's folks? Absolutely. Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen playing who? I don't know, but that's what it would be. That's not my dream cast. I could see James Franco doing Cary Grant. Yeah. And doing that over-the-top-ish. The two ants. Oh, yes, the two ants.
Maggie Smith. Ooh, Bette Midler. Ooh, Maggie Smith. One of them kind of looks like Maggie Smith. Yeah. And she also looked like my grandma, which threw me off because I was like, I hope my grandma looks crazy. I want Paul Rudd as Mortimer. Ooh, that's good. Yeah. That's really good. Or Bill Hader. Who could be Teddy? Ooh, Bill Hader would be Teddy. Actually, Bill Hader could be Dr. Einstein. Oh, any of them. He could do anything. Yeah, that's true. Bill Hader has every role in this movie. He just needs to do whatever he wants. Let's see a Bill Hader-only production of this movie. Oh my God, I would watch that so hard. It'd be so funny. It's like Eddie Murphy's Clumps, but highbrow.
Not Eddie Murphy. I feel like if they did it now, they would try and make it a lot more violent. Because this movie, it was kind of great that they never showed the dead bodies ever. They just showed people reacting to a dead body. What is it? We just learned some information. Yes. The 1955 TV version of this movie actually had Boris Karloff in it. Ooh. And wait. It says John Alexander, but I read that as Jason Alexander, and I went, what? As who? I don't think he was born yet. Yeah.
because I've had both people from the film and from the Broadway show. Oh, interesting. Yeah, that'd be a cool one to see on stage with people that were like... no, no, uh, no slam against my friend that was in the show, but to see people were actually good at it. Cause I feel like he did great. Okay. The, I'm just thinking about the kid, the guy who played Teddy. Yeah. Um, so there's a bit that goes on throughout the entire movie because he's Teddy Roosevelt. Every time he goes up the stairs, he yells charge and runs and slams the door. And every time this guy in the play that I saw did it, it was like, this was his moment and he was hamming it up so hard. And I was like this fucking guy. Like, I just was like, fuck you. Like I just was mad about it. Yeah. But you know, what have you ever played like an, like an,
junior high, or even elementary school, like, a clutch role that you're really proud of? No. Really? Because I have. Story. Oh, yeah, story time. My greatest accomplishment was playing Lady Macbeth in our fifth grade production of Macbeth. Yeah. Fifth grade? I was in gifted classes. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the regular fifth graders were putting on We Has Jazz.
Right? Even now. What's it spelled? H-A-Z-Z? We has jazz? Two Zs. Oh my God, forget it. Also, I grew up in a very, very white town, so there were children playing Satchmo and all these amazing jazz artists who were just little white kids. Oh, Satchmo! Actually, Satchmo was played by a girl named Whitney. Yeah. But she had this crazy, awesome, deep voice. We were putting on this fifth grade production of Lady Macbeth, and it was honestly so great because we made the costumes ourselves. I'm sure it just looked like a fucking train wreck visually.
which would just make it greater to see again I wish I could but I was Lady Macbeth and I only wanted the part because I knew I got to swear oh yeah she says damn damn spot right so I remember like being so excited to like let that D-bomb fly and it was just like a packed gymnasium of parents and it was my moment and I honestly think I sang it because I said the word so long I was like out there um spot like what did she say we don't even know what she said anymore um but yeah that was my crowning achievement oh yeah downhill from there i was only like a chorus member in any of the high school musicals that i was in and i always wanted to be one of the leads but just wasn't quite there yet yeah you know but i did uh in like elementary school um i think yeah i got to play a mad scientist named dr mentor and that was like my like shining moment and any like theater thing i did in middle school i convinced my theater teacher to let me audition for like any of the male roles because they were much funnier than any of the girls in the play. Just like in Arsenic and Old Lakes. Exactly. I would have wanted to play like Dr. Einstein probably, you know, Jenny. But yeah, that's all I did was like, and she was kind of a turd about it, but she did finally let me play a dude in like one of our shows and I loved it. I was a perfect dude.
He's a good looking dude. Hell yeah. Yeah. We did a biography fair. That's cool. Yeah. Who are you? Walt Disney. Oh, that's great. I learned the hard lesson that the life of a person that creates cartoons is not a cartoon.
He was a big anti-Semite. Yeah, I didn't really read the book because I was in third grade and I got the Walt Disney biography and it was a lot harder to read than Henry and Mudge. So I pretty much just made my mom look through it and pick out some excerpts and then we gave myself a thin mustache and put some pictures up on a trifold board. Check minus. I need to see that picture. Yeah, definitely it was a check minus because Katie Lanta was George Washington and I was like, she's a girl, she can't be George Washington. I was in third grade. I'm a little more progressive in my views now. Man, you should meet Whitney Dutton.
Yeah. She was Satchmo. She's a groundbreaker. That's inappropriate for another reason. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. I was Elvis for Halloween one year because I had a costume that would be Elvis and I had a huge camel toe. Oh, my God. Well, since we're not on this rabbit hole, I'll share my best Halloween costume. I was so proud of it and it was awful. I was a lady with a bad hair day.
Oh. And I just like found this wig that we had and I just like went to town on it. I stuck a hairbrush in it like sideways and a couple curlers and I did my lipstick like Sherry O'Terry from that one character she did on SNL. Oh, yeah. Had all the pills and stuff. Yeah. And I wore that with a bathrobe, a big like long-sleeved little kid bathrobe. And then, of course, my mom put my giant coat over it so you couldn't see that at all. And I made a sign and I put it on my back that said, if I'm having a bad hair day, call. And then I put the phone number. Because I saw that one time when we were in the car. There was a truck in front of us and it was like, if I'm driving poorly, call this number. So I thought that that was like a really genius like way to.
make that impact with that costume is like put that on the back because I am having a bad hair day. People are going to call. Did you put like your home number on there? I put my dad's business line. Rick Harrell benefited from that costume as well. Well, I don't know if she's having a bad hair day but do you need a new Attic fan? I was John Wilts Booth one year but nobody knew who I was unless I was playing all these American heroes.
Nobody knew who I was unless I was with Jake, who was Abraham Lincoln. I thought I almost said the wrong president for a second. It was Taft and John Wilkes Booth. Yeah, I don't know a lot about history. Whenever they were talking about all the Teddy Roosevelt stuff in the movie, I was like...
It just all went over my head. He invented the teddy bear. Teddy Roosevelt is a profoundly kick-ass dude. Yeah, I heard that. The man was shot during a speech and delivered the rest of the speech and then told the crowd, I've been shot. Did they not know that before? No. I mean, he was a bonus. Wow. That's awesome. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's crazy. That's a callback to a different podcast on this website. I did hear, I had heard the thing about him running for re-election for the third term, which I didn't even know was possible, but I guess he was that badass. Yeah, he screwed that up, though.
did uh but he also was in on one of his trips like i don't know if it was one of his trips to africa or no i think it was in the u.s and uh thieves stole his boat in the middle of the night like his canoe yeah and he was like instead of calling for help or like waiting for a rescue he was like no we're gonna track them down we're gonna find them and we're gonna make them build us another boat and he did all of that like he was like top shelf badass wouldn't you just want him to be your grandpa yeah you know and then he'd be like grandpa rose about that yeah You didn't get shot in the middle of a speech and keep going. You're crazy. And then he'd put you on his lap and spank you. Yeah, exactly. And then I could tell everybody, hey, the scar all along my back is from President Roosevelt. This big crack in my ass from getting spanked. Yeah, that happens.
Anyway, Arsenic and Old Lace. I went through all of my notes, honestly. I also said he wrote Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in there. Oh, that's for something else. Hawks said he wanted to maybe do that movie at some point. But they're tied together, I think. How so? Let's hear it. No, I'm still figuring out the baseball scene. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Gotcha.
Well, yeah, I do think if they do another production of it, I would want to wait for them for, like, another 50 years so that I could play one of the ants in the movie. I know. That would be great. They were so funny. I love little Abby with her shuffle. And they just look so sweet, and they, like, they never were malicious or, like, scary.
They just did scary things. They just poisoned people. It was part of our charity. Yeah. And I guess in their mind, they thought that they were helping because the only people they killed were lonely old men who came to stay at their house. And they'd even ask them, what's your religion? What's your family up to? And they'd always be like, don't have a family. And they'd be like, here's some wine. Die. Oh, God. It'd be hard to remake it because it'd have to be an Airbnb, an Uber driver outside, and probably not a play critic. Yeah.
It'd have to be Tucker Max. Okay, I'll play credit. Sorry. We've upset the man. He's really a big fan of sticking to the original.
Well, it's cool that you and your dad have that love of old black and white movies together and stuff. That's so cool. Thanks. My mom and I would watch Marilyn Monroe movies together growing up, like really obscure ones. But that's still one of my favorites. Those are pretty sexist as well. But one of them is called How to Marry a Millionaire. And I love it. And it's so – Yeah, that one too. And it's just like they're so awful. It's about these women who are beautiful trying to land a millionaire so that they can be rich. I mean, you still watch that stuff. It's just Bravo TV shows. That's true. Yeah, yeah. But I'm at least aware enough to know that that's not what I want. I like watching other people do it.
But, you know. Arnie's ready to go. He is. Sitting and he's ready. Arnie's been super precious today. And I'd like to think. Really? Yeah. Oh, can we have him sing on the show? Yes, we can. Okay, let's do it. Arnie, woo-woos. You want to woo-woo? Woo-woo? Oh, beautiful. You've got to sing, though. That's sparking. Woo-woo. Satchmo? He gets a little nervous around people. Oh, yeah. He'll really belt it out if he hears a siren. Woo-woos are what we call ambulances because that's the noise. Oh, yep. That makes sense. Yeah. You almost did it during your other podcast when the siren went off. I was like, woo-woo. Uh-oh.
That's good he didn't. Well, thank you guys for coming. Thank you for bringing your precious dog, too. Thank you for letting me bring him. Emily, what do you have going on? Is there anything you want to plug to our audience? Oh, goodness. You know, not anything crazy. Just every Sunday, I host a variety show at the playground. It's called Sunday Night Live. It's at 915. It's a fun show. Sister Wives always plays. And then we have some slots open for solo and other variety acts. So if anyone wants to perform, contact me. Find me on Facebook, Emily Harrell. Very good. Very good. Peter, do you have anything that you want to promote?
My Herald team that doesn't have a name yet has some shows coming up, so it's hard for me to plug it now. I think if you go on IO. Eliza is what we're called now, but when this comes out, it might change. And you can just look at Pete's profile on IO. Yeah, I'm a performer on there with a headshot. That's so cool. Very cool. And like Bad It Movies on Facebook. Subscribe on iTunes. Write a review or rate it if you feel inclined. And thank you so much for listening. We're part of the Second Wind Collective. Check us out there, too. Have a good day. Thank you guys for coming.