I hate you and your fucking noodle posy Noodles! Just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn the fucking except! Cheap show! Cheap show!
Use the price of shite! And a go and a nozzle! Hello, welcome to Cheap Show's end of year, pop up a party! If you're listening to this at 11pm, then when you start the episode, you can w-let it go to the night and we'll count down together, excited!
So I'm gonna work, it's gonna work! Hello, I'm Paul Ganon, hope to have cheap show on my guest, as ever! I'm not your guest! I'm not your guest, I refuse to even play this game with you!
You're my guest, and I love you, Mr Silverman! I wish you a willy! Come on, it's Christmas, is it? I have nothing, man!
I have nothing! I have nothing! Yeah, you like, come on, tell them about your jokes and your sound upset! Oh fuck you!
So we're just gonna have a laugh for an hour! I'm not having a laugh, can I just make that clear? Why aren't you having a laugh? You've got some drinks, have you been drinking poo in?
Oh, I don't know, just feel weary, the whole year has made me weary! Oh, keep the energy, you're actually party! You've tried me with drinks! You've tried me with drinks!
A dream! Bye-bye! You've tried me with drinks, and now I'm very flat! Flaccid!
Are you creatively flaccid? Yes! Well, cheers, cheers! Hello everyone, it's Eli Silverman, it's too late now, isn't it?
It's not too late now, the party's just getting started! Is it real time then? It's real time, no, it's just real time, no, it's just real time! I'm accused you of something in real time!
Please don't! Yeah, that's what it sounds like! What do you mean the whole thing? Yeah, if you said something...
The whole thing? Yeah, I would have to leave something! What about the incident? I can't, how about you save me?
The effort of having to edit this week's episode? Is that alright? Yeah, I could just, I could put stuff in, didn't I? What about you?
You wanna talk about that? The incident? The incident! Oh no, he's Mr.
Nastifelies! Mr. Nastifelies! What does that mean?
I think the Lord of all darkness! What does that mean in the context of this episode? You're trying to manipulate me, you manipulate my soul, like one of many souls, Wormlike on the floor of hell! That's the floor of hell, Paul!
Wormlike, right! That's what I've got! Magma! Flow!
Magma Flow! Welcome to the ongoing search for a sentence from Eli's deceased! Stupid! It's that-handed cunt in it!
Oh, well that's a cunt! Do you blow! This is cunt too! This is not this podcast it's cunt too!
I'm not allowed to say cunt! Is that what you're saying? Oh, okay! There's no boundaries to the language we use!
Could I say spurt? You can say so, here we go! He's spurt okay! I mean no!
For the mentally in terms of my taste, no spurt! What are your tastes? Do you have a taste in words? You either use a word or you don't have any use for it or you don't understand it!
I have no use for spurt! And what do I want to all stand there? That's your problem isn't it? Use it in a sentence!
Alright, how are you doing? Oh! Oh! Alright, what do you just go- Oh, you like me?
What do you fancy? Do you drink them? Yes please! I'll have double whiskey soda and a little point of that!
Oh, with that expensive word! Oh, you heard it, just... Alright, so how you bit mate? Terrible spurt!
What does that mean? Well, you know, I've had them in... Backdoors and er... Someone's been in your back door, are they spurt?
Yes, right. It's another word for ejaculating. Is it? Your word for ejaculating?
Yeah, is that a good one for it? Spurt? Yes. Because it's on a matter pig.
Oh, right, so here we go, we're in the pub. Oh, last night I had a bird round. Oh, yes, we've got bits of meat. Spurt, squish and mug!
Spurt! Spurt! We had a nice chat, we had some cheese and crackers. Yes, and why?
Lovely. Yes, is that alright? Is that how I'd use it? I would've maybe...
Is it a word you use in situ? Like, when you're gripping the bedshifts? I've never used it. I've never used it towards the end of an orgasm.
And just as you like to empty it, you go, Spurt! No, because you're pronouncing it too much. It is! Spurt!
Long-time listeners to the show will remember Paul. Yeah. It is actually the word that some weird trampiploque said to me in the train has he got off. Spurt!
He looked at me very pointedly. Spurt. It said it very clearly, but quietly, matted. It's a matted nonsense word!
It's a matted nonsense word! Well, I mean, we haven't facking last then! Oh, good. It's good.
How about... You're alright? It's been a very tough year. It's been a very tough year.
A lot of people. It's been a very tough year. It's been a very tough year. Very tough year.
To everyone who supported this podcast over the past year. In fact, the past five years, we do deep down, graciously with any form of irony or silliness. Thank you very much. Just the way you say it like that.
What? It makes me cringe. Why? It's because it's honestly, you can't be honest on this podcast.
I can. Go on, be honest. What do you want me to be honest about? The incident is out of bounds, right?
Right. By the radiator where my pissy trousers were drying. That led to the incident. Let people piece it together themselves if they so wish.
Yeah. Okay. What should we call it? The incident.
It deserves that, doesn't it, the incident? Because it was. Not the Sophopillo washing incident. Oh, come on.
Come on, Apple. Listen, my private life. Yeah. It's a bit of an intersection between my personal health life and the pot.
But we're through that now, Paul. You and me and the listeners. We're all through that now. Yeah.
And we're here. We're trying to celebrate. Celebrating a very difficult year, but we all got through it. And how close the midnight are we in this?
Oh, we're about, uh, there's 53 minutes to go. All right. Still in the first 10 minutes. Yeah.
Bloody hell. Don't worry. We're going to have some games on some thing. We're going to pick up something.
I'm drinking it. It's a little bit warm, but this house is freezing. It takes ages for two or more. So it's been on for an hour.
You're one of those. You're like a comfy heat. Don't you? I can't find that suffocating.
Really? Yeah. Why? Always just have found.
But your room's got its own cat. I don't know. Your room's like walking into like Hugh Gardens. It's strange kind.
Not your mum. You're like a shopping machine. What? Like a slap job.
Fuck an axe. So I fuck a slap job. You don't have cuboid no bend after that, wouldn't you? Come on, everybody.
And fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. I was going down the street Monday.
Fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. And I saw a man. And he said, hey, hey, get to the slap job.
He said what you're dicksin, little boy. I said my dicks all cuboid. Because I was a slap job. Fuck the slap job.
Fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. I'm going to fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job.
And shut my dick right off. That is one of our best. That is two minutes. That was about a minute.
It was only about a minute. Oh, fuck. You beat the chorus. Fuck the slap job.
Yeah, so what have we got going on? I've got two games, two minigames, a good go. You can play. You can play.
You can do that. That just ruins the whole dynamic now. Of what? You can say it.
Yes. You say I like it when you say it. I have two games. No, you do it.
How do I do it? It's slightly more pronounced. It's a little bit more. Okay, the game.
Hit it. Listen. What did you like to know the game? This is more like the amp, these are all people I perhaps.
It's a pleasant starter because of it's CDC. It's really jolly. What's his name? 109.
Holesome Squeeze Boab Boab Boab Boab Boab Boab Boab Boab I just saw the Nana! Oh, that'll do. I've got that, Larry. That's a fact.
That's a take. That'll do the B side though. The B side? Yeah.
What do you mean? What do you mean? I don't know. They come and record some two sides.
I don't know. I do too. That's a very good job. I like the way it goes.
I like the way it goes. I need to do the B side. Give me the B side. Michael, try to explain to you the B side.
It's two sides. It'll be fucking racco-brat! Listen to me. No one does B sides.
Do another trick. Don't mix it. We are doing it. We are doing it.
We are doing it. We are doing it. We are doing it. We are doing it.
We are doing it. We should drink every time you do the mouth noise. That's a drinking game. They can all play along at home.
Every time. Every time Paul does it. What's the mouth noise? Just as the first one, Paul.
We know what to expect and when to drink. Could you do your famous mouth noise now, please? Here we go. Oh, yeah, it's own game off.
Fuck it. Oh, he did an hard one. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.
You'll be dead in a minute. You are going to resort. What does he do, everybody? How does Paul utilise the mouth noise?
When he needs to resort to something that is simply a noise because he's run out of words to say. This is good. Can we from the man who just goes sproffs? Sproffs is a word.
Sproffs is a word. Sproffs is a word. Sproff is a word. It's a word.
It's a word. It's a word. You groove on dude. Oh, he's coughing.
Don't. You're going to add out the cuffs. No, this is real time. You've got to keep it in.
You've got to keep in the mouth noises when you sort of... When you flame a bit in your mouth and then have to swallow it. You've got to play a game. You know there's a TV show on BBC called Who Dares Wins?
Sounds pretty sort of... Who's that man who's that man who's the second rate Jeremy Kyle? No, he's not. He used to do a show called The A-Wag.
He can't let me fucking name it. He looks like a cunt. He looks like a cunt. Look at his fucking stupid cunt face.
No, I'm sorry. I'm going to put that with this. Why do you like him so much? Did you meet him?
Did you meet him in the showbiz party when he used to work in the psychic community? No, he's just a guy who put in his head. Is he a psychic? Is he?
No. He looks like a cunt. He looks like a shit eater. What does that mean?
He's like, I'm going to go, ah! Well look, anyway, he does. What's he called? What who?
I can't remember his... I need to know these things. I'll look it up now. Okay.
Who hosts Who Dares Wins BBC Quiz Show? Right, good. We'll get it going. Do you know the movie Who Dares Wins?
Yes, it's not related to that. Nick Knowles. Nick Knowles, who hosts Who Dares Wins, the Quiz... The Quiz...
The Quiz... The Quiz... Only. Two teams of strangers play against each other to complete a series of lists and play for prizes of £50,000.
No, no, no. He used to do the OIS at West where we're like... We'll fix it in an hour. No, no, no, no.
We'll go in and do a Slappy Job for an hour. Oh, I'm crying. Oh, my bedroom was on top of the... I'm crying.
And now it looks like the set of The Big Breakfast. A rat scurrying around this skirt. You've got a rat scurrying around me skirts. What the...
It's skirting boards. I didn't say skirting boards. No, no. It's very gun around me skirts as well.
So anyway, Who Dares Wins is a Quiz Show? We're basically... It's like... Oh, there's a lot of this.
I don't know. List 10 things. It's that simple. Like a list 10 things now.
A car, a leaf, a paintbrush, a can of beer, an elephant's tusk. Oh, that's a bit weird. A bicycle. I've only done six shits.
Table. Yeah. Cloud. Lollipop.
Right. Blade of grass. Oh, damn it. You're just doing 10 things.
Well done. Oh, is that it? Do I win? No.
You never win. Let me just say that. You never win. I'm doing 10 things.
I shouldn't. That's a terrible time. It was the most... I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. But anyway. Oh, yeah.
All right. So, you have to do 10 things like getting three places outside. Yeah. You can, like, make a name.
Or go for nine if you're getting all nine. They win if they don't. It's like family fortunes actually, when you think about it. It's exactly ten lists.
But we're 10 lists. But it's an arbitrary one. It's at the top of the list. Or this one's like ten most expensive artists in the world.
So instead of people get asked and what was the top answer? It's just like just named 10, it's just a ranking. It's just something that's not real. It's fast.
So it's not as a test. Most expensive artist in the world. How many out of 10 do you think you can answer? Give me five out of the list of the most and what any of those expensive artists in the world based on highest price paid for a picture By each artist up to December 2015 they're your parameters So go on name you five artists who are the most expensive artists in the world cash out.
I got my soul lucky. Yeah I'm gonna No money money money money money money Lost now you know I need to get another four I think you get like 10 seconds or 20 seconds to get how we can Is this a test just 20? That's a test. You said Rembrandt Paula.
No Clint goth Mogadishu no, not Mogadishu Mogli, Mogli, Mogli, Mogliani. Mog, Mogliani which is a real name. Yes. He did that wicked he's a Italian pork wint and William come on.
I can't take this anymore you've meggling Oh, fuck you take you down for real. Yeah, but who do you think will win you? Yes, you have gone you're. Right here.
We go So I can't steal because I look at the answers, but basically you have 30 seconds to name as many as you think you can name Well, I get runs on the list doesn't count. No, so okay 10 cinema films we've got time. Yeah, I watch the clock on here I'll just go, we'll do 30 seconds and whenever we say start, right? Ten cinema films with the greatest number of ticket sales in the UK in the 20th century, based on the survey by the British Film Institute in 2014.
I just have to get as many as possible. Yeah, you've got to figure out ten cinema films with the greatest number of ticket sales in the UK in the 20th century. You want to do that in 30 seconds? How many can you get?
Yeah. Alright, your time then. Therefore, starts right now. ET is not on there.
Indiana Jones and the Templar, Raised Lossner. Is not on there. Gandy is not on there. Come on, Titanic is on there.
Number one, Terminator is not on there. Terminator is not on there. Fuck. Come on, you think you miss out some bloody obvious ones here.
No, spasters. No. You are four seconds. Shit.
Three seconds. One second. Here we go. There you go.
You've got two. You could have said, for instance, Gone with the Wind, Sound of Music, Snow White, Star Wars, the Best of All Years, Jungle Book, Wicked Lady, Seventh of All. Oh, fuck there. The ticket sales are not the same as Box Office Gross.
Is it Mr. Silverman? Well, I was going over Box Office Gross, weren't I? Alright, so you pick one for me out of the list.
I'll just hold them down and you pick a card out, round them. Don't try and suggest a card to me. No, I'm not going here. But if I take those ones, do that.
I'm not expecting someone to take them, are they? Come on. You got two in that round. You've got two in that round.
What are you going to do? Ten largest sports stadiums in the UK. Ah, stuff. Here we go.
Right. I'm going to say, I'm going to say, you didn't. No, I have to say, you didn't. Yes.
Alright, then I take one to start. OK. Start in five, four, two, go. Right.
Goodness and park. Come on. Really? I need to know.
Old Trafford. Yeah. Anfield. Come on.
Wembley. All the sports stadiums in sports stadiums. The Olympic park. The Millennium Globe.
The biscuit of the lights. What else? Millennium. The oval.
Lords. Oh, I've got two seconds left. One second. How many did they get?
Four. I did all right on that. What were the other ones? Is it too dark?
Because you asked for the likes to come out. Is there a dimmer? No, there's no dimmer. It's too fucking bright, man.
Well, this is the like we've got to play with. I don't know what I'm trying to do. Just for this game. Fuck, you know.
We just read them out there. We're going to go to the stadium. London Twickenham Stadium. Ah, I didn't think of that, did you?
I didn't think it's Wickenham. Yeah. London Old Trafford, you got it, didn't you? Oh, that's Wickenham London.
Old Trafford Manchester, of course. Millennium Stadium, I gave you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine.
Cardiff, AKA, Prince of Palatius. This is the UK. Murray Field Stadium in Edinburgh. Right.
Emirates Stadium. That's Arsenal's. Yeah. Celtic Park.
Celtic Park. Oh, yeah. That's all right. London Stadium.
Not yet. London. Olympic Stadium. Is you say Olympic Stadium?
You just got five. Yes. Really? It's the first way up the top of the pack.
It is. The 10 most popular flavours of crisps and similar snacks in the UK. Asterix, based on sales figures compiled by Market Research Company, I.R.I. in 2015.
So we're not looking for brands. So you don't take frazzles, for example. We're looking for flavours. All right.
Has to be flavours. It has to be flavours. But they said snacks. This is like the lead.
Snacks. And criss. In terms of flavours. It proves that our direction that we took in putting the lead, snacks, first was the right thing to do.
What was it? And later gentlemen, Paul's giving me a very sincere look across the microphone. It is the most unseal. It is.
Which is why it stood out to me. Let me give it again. Right. It's off.
Are you ready? I swapped my five seconds to give me the time to pop the flavours. I'm doing it. There's no bidding.
Go. It's not a vinegar. It's on the list. It's on the list.
Come on. Chicken. Rose chicken. It's not on the list.
Actually, there's a salted light. I'm going to give you both of those for the salted. Okay. Prawn cocktail is on the list.
That's fine. Come on. You've got two more seconds. One more.
Okay. So you didn't say cheese. Cheese in general was there. This is what?
Salted and lightly salted, which is why I give you both for that. Lively salted. What the fuck? That is bullshit.
I've only given you those two points. All right. Well, cheese flavoured crisps. Yeah.
No, they're not. What's it? What's it? Quavers.
It's a total thing. Because the point is it's not branded. It's fine as care. You should be a bit of a poverty twat.
That would be good beer. I think I have a lovely pint of poverty twat. I was very nutty on the finish. Very nutty.
I don't have a Gandalf's meaning. I love it. Grumbly's piss water. Grumbly's old piss fire.
And I'm 13. Yeti's doing one. Wagon up, pikes. Wagon up, steepish.
Right. So what else was on there? So you said something. Yep.
Hopper chili was a flavour. Apparently. Barbecue. That's the one I should have got.
Really beef. And beef. You said no chicken. No.
That is bullshit. We all know that to be bullshit. I know. I agree.
Everyone listening now knows this. Hey, you're a falsehood. I'm just saying. Who makes these?
Is that kind of a fucking cover? I'm a market research company. How many do I get? Five.
Five. Then there was prong cocktail stroke seafood. Stroke seafood. I liked it.
Are there any seafood flavour crisps? Stroke seafood. Yes. Not very good Eli.
You're laughing. And you're enjoying yourself. I'm enjoying that. Stroke seafood.
Anyway. Hello. Right. Good.
Sour cream onion. Oh yeah. And then there we go. That's what you got after you stroke seafood.
Right. Okay. Have another card for me. Did you write down my score?
Yeah. You got five. Plus the two from the first one. I'm getting a pen.
I refuse to keep playing this, Paul. How much time do I have on the wall there? It is 36 minutes away. Oh, Jules Narsie's heart.
You're a Thatsie's hearted-ar. That one gets... There's a pencil just on the top there. Right there.
You're going to need to find paper, don't you? Do you have anything to write on? No. You're useless, wank.
I didn't know. Right on the corner of that paper. Just make it neat. So, I'm on seven.
And you're on seven and I'm on four at the moment. It's my second round. All right. Here we go.
Just pick any one of these up for me. Right. What is the topic? Oh, no.
What is it? It's going to be a love this chess moves or something. Ten managers of the England football team are... Oh, me too.
I'm going to get a football one, aren't I? Mate, can I do a pass? No. You can get a pass on the third round.
You can't pass on this. If you don't like the card that's pulled out next. Fair enough. I want a pass.
Yeah, you get a pass if you don't like the next one. I can't do football. Fine stuff, mate. Please.
Come on. All right. You can do this. All right, go on.
Ten largest public sector employers in the UK. Right. Asterisks. Additional statistics.
That's very official. Oh, in it. Official statistics. Right.
So I've got to name the biggest employees in the UK. Public sector. Public sector. What does that mean?
Like post office. They work for the public. It's the public. What it used to be, you know.
Yeah. The stuff that the... Right. Give it a go.
I'm going to start at three, two, one. Stay toned. Right. Okay.
Stay toned. Job center. The whole office. Part of the working pensions.
Have you started? Yes. No. That's not one of the biggest.
No. I've been more specific. Doctors. Doctor man.
No, but the actual organization is the NHS. What? Trust. No.