We don't have a second. I'm not telling you a thing. Sit down. How have we started?
Oh, have we? Fucking... what? I'm not...
Sit down. Class is about to begin, and I'm going to school your ass. Oh, yeah? What with my majestic company?
Just the very fact that I exist is enough for you to sit down. You've started the podcast, haven't you? Yes, I have. Right, hello everybody.
Hello everybody. Welcome to the Chief of the Economy Comedy Podcast. We go through the bargain, the charity shops and powerlands of Great Britain, and we go looking for the treasure amongst the trash. That's good, yeah.
Well done. I thought you might have said something. I don't know what. I don't know what.
I'm always at this point in the recording, Paul. Yeah. Because you've gone... Ooh, I'm starting.
I don't know. Ooh, and then you give me a weird look and fucking put me off, basically. Right, you put your foot down and take control. And maybe leave for once in your miserable...
Shall I? Here we short existence. Shall I bleed? So let's just forget that.
You set the title... Frankly, mediocre rendition of the opening gambit. And I'll have a go at the gambit. You gambit?
I'll have a go at the shrill. Yeah, probably. No, just remind me before I start. What fact that you should know what I mean is...
What we do? We say we show me you what I mean, you. Yeah. And then what?
The treasure amongst the trash. So it's all for your ears. You say that anymore? Sometimes.
It depends on the mood. You take control, mate. This up to you, man. Eli Silverman.
Set's the tone for cheap show. So two on eight. Here we go. Hello.
Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman. Here's Paul Ganon. This is the show where we go through the bargain bins, the basements and the discount stores where we find the treasure amongst the trash.
And it's the podcast, economy, comedy, podcast for your ears. Well, that was probably the worst version of that I've heard in a while. But because it came out of your mouth tumbling out across your fat tongue onto my lovely... Don't look at the camera.
It's not on. The office takes the sides to a camera that's not there. I'm struggling everybody. It's just at this point it's probably best.
I'll try it one more time. No, it's probably best. If we just go to the credits and put the music in right now, give it a card one. I'll give it a good, hard, clean one.
Hello, everybody. You've never had a clean one. What do you mean I've never had a clean one? You've never had a clean one.
You know, you're now... You're now you're saying stuff about my personal hygiene. Let me tell you something. I use Dr.
Bonner's Tea Tree extract soap. You've scrubbed it and I scrubbed it up. Dr. Bonner's Tea Tree.
Dr. Bonner's Tea Tree. Dr. Bonner's Tea Tree.
It's a soap who a cognizant of the soap scene. Mr. Bonner soaps you up to the... No, he doesn't.
With his Tea Tree eloition. Oh, fuck. I've got a tea show. Fuck you.
Loition. I hate you. I'm your fucking noodle posse. Oh, love noodles.
I'm going to show you how you're going to have to learn the fucking insects. Tea show. Tea show. It's a price of chimes.
Morganon. He likes silver. Tea show. And a girl and a nuzzle.
Loition. Loition. I'm going to cover you in my own. We're back in the back in the room.
Tea show. So this week we have two segments. One week we haven't done properly in a while and looking forward to that. He's a off-brand brand off.
Yeah. Exciting times. I don't know. We're getting the call at some point.
He's working for a very difficult schedule at the moment Paul. No, but he does have his ways. He's doing dead drops. That's how I'm getting the messages now.
Well, that's where you drop something and it's got a message on it. Spi-Craft. It's a... Right.
What they call it? I know. Work craft. What they call it?
What are you talking about? You know, when you're a spy. Right. Spi-word.
Welcome to QVC. This hour is spy craft. Look at this lovely bowl with James Bond painted on. Double or seven licensed to thrill a party for a dinner selection.
Oh, can I get that on Etsy? Yes, you can. It is only $39.99 and you can get it now. If you buy now, you'll get this Cinco Taylor Soldier spy.
Tea show. I was in the market for... I don't need a wicker basket in this shape. Yes.
Of a submarine. We do not do those because they are not strictly speaking spy craft. What do you mean it's not a spy craft? It's a ch- I don't know.
I'm on the TV look. No, you're talking to love. I don't know. I am.
So yeah, we're doing that. I'm saying that we might expect a dead drop pool is where a spy... Right. Oh yeah, that gets a message to someone else by dropping, you know, it's in a...
In a hole in a tree on Hampstead Heath or something. Oh yeah. You just have to be careful which... Oh, yeah, there we go.
So there's someone else coming along and picks it up. Yeah, it's a dead drop. But you know, information or microfiche or something like that. So someone who works at Randolph has been leaving notes in trees on Hampstead Heath.
You've been collecting the dark. Basically, yes. By the pond. And while your latest mate is pond.
The bathing pond. Yes, the ladies bathing pond. And as you can see, it's difficult for me to go in there under cover. That's why you have to go at night, isn't it?
Yes. And take your clothes off. And have a little swim. I don't think there's a fucking dead drop there at all.
No, I do. I come in a tree. You come in a... You know what?
I'm stuck and stopped at this. I'm putting a stop at this. And I have a little mid-night, dippy dip. Skinny dip.
On hamster Heath. And then I'll tell myself down. Yeah. Making special shore.
This is me using the move it along hand gesture. Oh, I'm waving to the camera. Camera's not on. Right, remember that.
I've finished. Good. I'm saying... Yes, you are.
Mr. Brandoffee is still. He's been banged up for life. I know he got out, though.
How did he get out? It's about... It's something to do with that magic curse that is very shaky and weird. And he seems to be inhabited by a different spirit altogether.
Right. Well, this is two things I'm going to bring you up on. One, that's not canon. Christmas special.
Fantastic. Two. That's not canon. Listen, you don't fucking decide what's canon.
What's his out there? He wasn't possessed by anything. If you'd listen to the actual episode. I'm inventing new lore.
He is possessed. The only lore you're inventing is full on. The comments. In my mind.
But if you can't come and give me something. We're also going to be playing the Ganon's Golden Games as brought to you by successful new YouTube channel, Ganon Land. Oh, Ganon Land. Actually, before we go on, we've already had two entries for your in Vision 2021.
Oh, heating up already. Quick plan of attack. It looks like we're going to be doing this live on Friday. I think it's the 21st of May, which is the Friday, directly before the Saturday Night Cure Vision competition.
So we're going to go out live, like with the episode 200, on Twitch, if the lockdown, you know, if the whole app comes to pass, then we will be doing a live Euro in Vision 2021. We've already got two entries and we're looking for songs of any sort, but you get extra points of their based on cheap shows in some way. Ideally. But, you know, it's not a lore.
I think that's fine. I think that's about right. I'd say 1 minute 30 to 2 minutes. Right.
Right. That's what I think. If you've got a gem, that's only a minute. I mean, yeah, no.
All I'm saying is I don't want to press play. I mean, I don't want to just hit press play and then there's a five second track. If you go rek rek rek rek rek rekUN. We don't need that.
Listen, you know what? I don't say spot anymore. Can I just let this be known? I don't talk about spot.
I never talked about spot. It was you. It was you all along. Are I going to say spaff or sludge?
And I'm going to say grizzly gizzard fish. Gizzard fish gizzard fish yeah, we're really good at fish. What's that you're not? That's not what we're talking about.
Talk about spoons I don't come on penis the grisly sputnik Here we go we both know what we're talking about right so Just spot this spot that's what I'm saying. I'm moving forward attempting to play a game today based on a channel for question I never heard of host by Terry Wogan. It's quite ironic that you never heard of it considering the title yes because the title is called what you like Terry Rogan's title Terry Rogan's Terry Rogan's very Logan. Terry fucking what?
Terry Rogan's title recall. Yeah, that is the correct answer. Thank you. We'll be playing that I'll be spapping your badass and I'll be spraying you with my grizzly gizzard fish I'll be oiling you it's time to tell from the shop floor Yeah, it tells me the shop floor tells me the shop floor tells me shop floor And this one's from a chap called Stuart molding and he opens with this gambit Mmm dear Eli and his psychic pool.
Yes. Don't you witty stew it. Do you want me to read this do it? Do you want me without it?
I'll read it Paul. Yeah, yeah Remember to talk into the mike will you do this? When you read this is really big off like an old man cocoa time cocoa time. You just I just see you Look I'm just performing Paul, you know the moose the moose takes me hit me with it Theory line is psychic pool.
Ha ha ha we teach off Stuart. Here's a short tale of something that happened to me during my days working in retail It is tells on the shop floor after all. I'm gonna stop with these interters. It is unnecessary And also if you do want to send this one, it's the cheap gel actually I'll come back in 2001 I worked for a sports shop situated in a well-known Essex shopping center that may have been formerly known as free port What the shopping center was forming those three port or ethical snow in the street or no my blue water ash might know mm free port That sounds like a colonial sounds like a shit 70s 70s Ladies gentlemen with the latest hit carbon seagull it's three port Right Free port yeah back then new stock deliveries would turn up during the early hours the morning and the cages full of sporting clothing Etc would be left in the back room by the delivery driver ready for us to sort out when we turned up later Okay, following this out just about following we're both on the train Yeah, with Stuart and we're going along to chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff during one summer some building work That was being carried out meant the delivery would be brought in through the front doors Oh dear and left on the shop floor instead.
I'm not taking so let's just recap here Paul I wanna recap it's coming around the back usually Today what's this what's different delivery's not coming around the back around the front and they've been left on the shop floor So we both know where we are in the story three port With the song carbon seagull Carbon seagull yeah, okay, so that John Livingston's Eagle but vastly inferior. What was John Livingston's Eagle? Was it a book about a seagull who flies? I'm gonna help self-help message.
Yeah fuck that and it was into a song or an album I think yeah, yeah, I hate that now. We're not flock of seagulls. No. I have to say Stuart You've taken two quite wordy bloody paragraphs here to come to what now at the beginning of the tale and only one paragraph left to go Well, we'll be there soon.
We'll be there. We've recapped every sentence and fucking said he's buried the lead deep in this third paragraph Right, okay. Well, then how about you just carry on reading. I want to know what you think it's I don't think is it poo is there P Is this slag let's what do you mean?
You know what I mean slag? Right, I will I am no interest in your slag one morning about eight a.m. We all turned up for work ready to move the delivery out the back and start unpacking it Right, however upon opening the door into the shop We were not only greeted by about seven cages of stock, but also the overwhelming stench of human waste. Oh, yeah, hang on Wait, the shops closed up.
Yeah, but there's a smell of shit. Well, they delivered they delivered shit Well, we don't know but then smell of it is there along with the cages for the stock, right? It didn't take us long to find the source of the odor underneath the sports bag display, which was by the front doors We found a t-shirt lying on the floor all rolled up Okay, so they've come in there are boxes of the smell shit and they followed their nose It really is like the only seven but we Was weird as the shop was tidy to the night before as always and anything found on the floor was hung back up where it belonged It's one of my colleagues cheaply picked up the shirt it unrolled an out fella solid and slightly crusty shit Oh, that's good better than you know diarrhea. What like a slurry?
You know you can imagine unrolling it and like if there was wet enough it would flick off towards people We'll take that scene from train spotting. Do you know what I mean? So like it kind of rolled out and in front present the I take it all back Stuart. I love the build up You know and like it was quite surprising.
It was like slightly crusty and in one bin Which means you know solid diet this beast must have been a good eight or ten inches in length It looks like a big fucking old-fashioned rolling bin. It seems the delivery driver had taken short been taken short I like that expression. It seems the delivery driver had been taken short during the delivery and left us with an extra item There mustn't other ways to get rid of a shit because your job's on the line. How you gonna wait?
Well, I'll just take you in a van or what I just oh, it's one of their t-shirts. You didn't want to steal the t-shirt That's the thing yeah, but instead he left his shit in the shop. Yeah, but it's worse. It's worse I know I know it's worse poor, but if no one steals a t-shirt There are numerous you know suspects because who works there who come to know they know you are a delivery driver and you take a shit On in the shop and I don't know what I've been hiding everyone knows it's you Everyone knows it's you.
He can't have been very happy with his job if he did that Why didn't he go to a toilet or why didn't he get I don't know like an empty cart of milk and trying to And you know what's helping your argument here? Well, it's the fact that it was crusty and solid because that that would you know usually have more control over those big hard hard babies Yeah, I mean the things I'm trying to imagine hold that in they get a lot of purchase when you go for the double Yeah, but you get back spasms from that if you've had those are spasms. No If it's been a load of messy liquid, yeah, then you can sort of think well, he's on well. Do you see them in you sick There's yeah, take the t-shirt with you, right?
You still you're stealing on the ceiling But again, if you steal a t-shirt what's the worst crime in the eyes of the law, Paul Lord? Law probably sitting on a t-shitting stealing a t-shirt from the place of work But here's what I'm saying if you stole the t-shirt There's more chance to get away with it than leaving the evidence. It sounds to me like a dirty process It was like a you know, yeah a resignation letter in the form of a t-shirt with a turd in the middle good diction So that's from Stuart's that the whole letter of molding you can use my name I don't mind he says good because we said he's sure and he says we got a good podcast and so thank you very much for that I have questions still why like what's the thought process? You're the delivery driver you could have done it in the stupid driving you've been driving from Swanage, you know all night or whatever You're delivery driver.
This is part of the course This is like no it sounds like he has some kind of unique bowel flora where it just is like nothing nothing nothing nothing Now I need to take an eight to ten inch. Yeah, now I need to do a big crusty eight to ten inch You can't foresee the length of one of those beasts. You can only pray it doesn't last as well. It's eight to ten inch It's like poking out his mouth isn't it the other end is what like about that?
Yeah Chokes on with it. I know and the other thing is I always think when I see an impressive shit in the loop think that's been soaking That's so the wall posed It's been it's like the water, you know, it's like a bodybuilder injecting water before the Stereo did poop it gets soft and it gets bigger. It's not anything. Oh my god.
That's a fucking beast This was dry. This was a dry beast. It had no pimping from the water I mean it was filled up with carrot juice that kind of thing Hey, I just don't understand the only theory I have is that forgetting the fact that maybe he's just a company did this because he was a Lazy slovenly prick who doesn't look after his life or his job very well forgetting all that maybe had someone who came with him on that Particular job and he might as move the boxes in meanwhile. It's like I fucking ate this shot I'm gonna take a big shit and he drops it and then goes Puts it there and then he goes all right Jim.
Yeah, no, all right. I was just a moving that box Well, I'll get him. I left a crusty one. Yeah fucking teeth on it.
You could fucking see the calcium shining Oh, just oh the power of the smell and yeah anyway Thanks for that. Please send in a poo came back who came back to the show pool. Yeah, but imagine they've been smoking there with the poo though That big double bad. Well in that case, I think it's kind of satanic That would be really bad.
We never seen that like you want that I want looking for combo Make we're both fine for an influential podcast some people might go I will make your dream come true. I said shit I'm spaffed well. I don't we don't support that anyway You wouldn't get away with it. No, I don't know.
I know they've got very good anyway If you do something you may only want to destroy we will be turning you into local authorities What if anyone send a letter say oh, I didn't like I wanted a big shit in boots and then spaffed on it No, we don't look at them. It's tales from the shop floor We're on the side of the re-support. Yeah poor retail workers who end up finding this stuff What is it always have to be about shit though? It's always about shit.
It's the ones. I pick it out. You read it Let's stop this It was actually know need for that so welcome to off brand of fan brand off Well Your balls of off brand This podcast aging me it's generally you know what it's not only aging you it is aging badly isn't it? Yeah,omy rusting like a submarine upon the ocean floor submarine spycraft Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, spycraft on kill the seat between nine and six p.m.
No, it's my craft is a Netflix And then six to nine p.m. It's like fucking hours. That's a bad idea or nine to sell time to sell some nine hours I'm selling submarines on a stupid fucking show work craft. What's a fucking cold spy work?
Spy jinx I think it's right. Well come to the new stop spy craft. We sell hock on for gluing microphones to dies We also sell a habit actually if you want to make this costume and domino mask for sneaking spy craft good Yeah, good. We also sell little model planes and toys for some reason so I can combine now Let's know let's just imagine someone hasn't heard the show One of our prestige segments has to be said cool.
So what we actually have explain it value So why Nick this slightly dangerous is another Korean energy drink Korean red bull, but the red bull is a skeleton That's how hard call this is Paul. I'll neck this and get ready to take for you drinking so I get the impression It smells of Pandora's in it's Thank you, it's not missing. Oh god. It just smells like the purest the purest red bull It's distilled red bull.
So you tell everyone what off-brand office a friend friend off friend off friend I can't stop saying it you can because I'll clout you Right so I'll grab round off for those who like to know it's a segment of the show that's tied to tangentally to our cheap eats segment And that's where we see about whether the cheap food stacks up to the expensive brands off-brand brand off is a focus part of that I literally I just try to enjoy my dangerous red bull in peace I Don't explain Right off-brand brand off Off-brand meters right Jordan and Andre inside their sad split Right off-brand brand off yeah is part of the show Paul where we Basically it's a blind taste test where I eat myself and I've cheap show taste items same item But from different places and different rungs up the social economy No brands to just compare them via a fire blind taste yes Yeah, thank you off-brand titles such in the past we've done jaffa cakes with them your fish and fifties up against snore brand We've also done a colas what was the latest one we did for pizza no we did pizza as well We did one here sitting right here, do we oh? A few months ago let me just remember Chicken It wasn't chicken I haven't got any chicken for you old man I don't know it was kinder and off brand kinder You go to loft lots of room. There's lots of rooms back there Yeah Flash that can he's got yeah, it's good having that that void outside the podcast isn't it now? Paul Was a fictional old person podcast is like a character dignitize America yeah has been recently yeah, I'm right Oh dear Paul yeah, kinder yeah the last time we did kinder and we compare and basically the mission of off-brand Off-brand off-pool is to let the people know whether to spend that little extra bit for the luxury they want yeah It's like a really good deal.
Yeah, or just get the knockoff cuz it's good Just you know sometimes we find out like in the main story you prefer the same things off-brand to helmets Yeah, you keep walking back a very similar price point for those though really every day But and you know I didn't like the actual off-brand the fucking basis now that was basic's mayonnaise weak sauce literally We saw so say we are doing thanks to a mark. I think it was more common ones against them. I might be wrong Thank you, whoever sent the beans. Yes.
Yeah, I think it was markable. I just want to I just want to bloody hell so we have beans Break beans into Marta sauce now be more exactful. Here's the question I want to ask you about beans is the character of Venus on digital side to tie it out and she died soon You know what I mean Venus is good yet, and I think it's you know, it's got legs There's an awful character. What is it again?
The stern the big the flat South? Yeah, I should have brought any of this up. You know what I think they should bring that bad because that I mean people tell me They don't they don't let me sleep all they come round my house at night And they're throwing pebbles pebbles up at my wall and my window and I go just fucking help guys leave alone They go fat sounding back fat sound they've got cows on and they've got pitchforks and they like burning little incense bundles and they go Oh, is that the smell of mace? You know what is good?
Are you all right? You know, it's good You know what Paul is the lockdown it's got it's got to me man. Yeah, it has got to me it's like this is doing the show It's a bit of a release and so I get a bit. I'm sorry We do we don't do much in between recordings.
You know what I mean? So when we come back, it's like what we don't know what That's what everyone in the Out babbling fucking fat cell propaganda piece finished with a oh, I like fucking energy drinks Mate, I will just have the rest of this energy drink. I might reach a level where it's more calm Let's just do that right cuz fuck me right so we're gonna do big beans this week now. I was gonna ask people yeah What was your take on beans?
I don't like big beans all that much really like you see I'm not a big fan where they serve to you as a child In what way no that was perfectly innocent come out of an oven I'm not saying that I'm just wondering if you was So beans what I'm trying to have a week in daddy's beans is that what you're saying now? Did you get daddy's beans? Yeah, it's not even fairing. I'm not inferring anything.
I didn't do that. I've had normal baked beans all my life That's what I'm saying all your life. So they were certain. Yeah burger chips and beans.
Yeah, I mean fried breakfast They really are a staple British dish. Oh, they're gonna cuz it seems to be something we've adopted It doesn't seem like it's a British thing into like the mid-1900. I mean we can find out. Let's have a little look Yes, no, I think it's a post war.
It's a post war I always thought before then beans are such you like the old west well That's what the dishes originally that it's based on is an American dishes and ex-hines is an American companies is it? Yeah, so I've actually this because I got Wikipedia page and that's content baked beans is additionally served with white beans and are Pore boiled and then bake them a low temperature for a lengthy period time in some sort of sauce some sort This is the usual preparation of the dish in how you know you know what kind of sauce though, wouldn't you before you started? Yeah, yeah, because you wouldn't go. Oh, we just need some sort of sauce and then they got custard custard Cussard fucking work, doesn't it?
We fact the beans! These beans are beans and beans and custard no one some out from that point on big beans whenever a thing in history was changed forever exactly The sauce is important, which would mean you'd know penis if we went back in time and changed the bean recipe so it was a flop Then there'd be no penis. Yeah, just saying I don't know why you keep bringing this thing We should build a time machine And stop being this father. Yeah go back and stop beans.
Would it be like a plant penis his father? Yeah, go and strand with us. No, it's human, isn't it? I don't know the story I think he's a real boy.
He's a real person that's worse. He had to add that he worked in beans. Did he have a radioactive bean? No, I don't think it's like a spider-man story.
I just think one day he went I like beans and I'm gonna eat nothing else and address the beans. There's no superpowers. He's like a bean based vigilante. No, I don't think he's got any supernatural powers I don't think he can be stopped crying with beans or something.
What he could do was control beans with his mind Wouldn't that be good? You could build a wall of beans to stop enemies. You just had a kinetic ability just to control beans You know like magneto's metal, but you're a beanito. You might be anito Now listen Paul Apprentices a bit that beans is controlling beans That I got a bean based memory that's just popped into my head poor and I was very young and I was looking around our house We had a very big house for a little while before the before we were forced to move by the police the recession of the early 90s So what?
No, no, no, no late 80s. When was the recession? I don't know anyway. I mean the cold scuttled There's like this the bottom floor has a sort of cold room.
I know Pail was nowhere to see she wasn't we didn't have one I mean the cold scuttled room. Yeah, they're still cold in there. Yeah, and it's sort of naughty in there because it's all dirty and stuff I know George's Magic Medicine in there once as well. Is that you for me?
And I found this old LP cover right in the mud right in the grime at the bottom of the cellar And it was the who and it's I can't remember what the name of the album is live at beans It's had a picture of it's sort of like a parody of advertising Okay, and so I think Pete Townsend's got an oversized product of something like an advertising, but importantly yeah Daltry is in a bathtub of beans real beans, okay, and they all you know, you know, you know, and then you what then I went I'm a child and fucking set up I have a child I was like, oh, I don't know what that's all about and you put it back slightly disgusting you put it back You put the bean man back in the slot and I probably ran out into the garden with a father father I didn't say father father I never said that Whatever may beans so yes in the US that's the usual way of doing it with part born in baking apparently in the UK The dishes sometimes baked but usually stewed in a sauce can be beaten up baked but are cooked through a steam process Yeah, there you go place of origin United States and specifically news England didn't know that high-end So I make the Americans modern versions to send from the colonial so it's a native American dish originally apparently That's interesting Intelligence in native America could cuisine and the dishes made from beans indigenous to the Americas dish was adopted and adapted by English colonists in England in the 17th century and then through cookbooks in the 19th century the recipe spread yeah for the North America And blah blah blah blah they originally they were sweet with maple syrup like a native Americans Hmm, trust me very nice addition some recipes still follow English decided to not bother and just add brown sugar That was originally the 17th century 18th century they used 18th century they used molasses blah blah blah blah blah Bush brothers and company currently sell the most baked beans in the United States Bush. Yeah, Bush beans. Yeah. Oh I went down this will go there go did you see a bush being Looking from it, you know, just below the bush.
Yeah, she had many all right. Oh, God It was like look at it meaty. It was lucky dip find the real bean in the bush After the Revolutionary War the Fourth of July was celebrated with picknecks fireworks dancers and dinners the food served varied changing with each region But baked beans was always the most common dish and then I guess it just okay So blah blah blah blah blah mass production of can baked beans began in the United States in 1895 by the HJ J Heinz company the first times were the first and kind of the the the brand you think of instantly you think it means now I think of Bush can bake beans became popular internationally particularly in the United Kingdom where the greatest amount of Can baked beans is currently consumed as part of the English for breakfast. That's it.
It's part of the breakfast Baked beans and I'm to cause parties. I'm said that not be article due to the fermentation of polysaccharides and gut flora They pass through the small intestine largely un-digested where they reach the large intestine They are just about a bacteria which produces the gas the windy windy pop up if you found that's a problem with you with beans No, I don't eat a lot of beans I just thought because I seemingly can't stop I think it's onions and the worst for me. Yeah, yeah onions So there's lots of stuff there if you want to be more than article black that you have to be so today We are doing off brand brand and Eli will be testing three types of baked beans first of all item number one This is the one that I love behind baked beans established 1869 now with Bush You could tell if you had Bush on this list Paul I'd be able to tell the difference because Bush beans are actually slightly different They're I think they're a bit smaller right beans that they use and they're actually barbecue. Okay, so the more kind of sweet in that barbecue way I'm also working on barbecue beans in this country.
They just don't seem to ever have taken off No much as the tomato sauce ones which are the traditional In the range and they're back range. There's Heinz BBQ very probably no the sausages and the hoops and whatever Yeah, they've got lots of varieties. There we go. We're doing Heinz baked beans the standard the classic one brand That's the on brand that's what we're judging against today, but what are we against it with?
Let's go for the obvious one next These are our friends. I like you have a look. It's the Morrison's own brand and they haven't they haven't gone for well That's not Morrison's don't do that do they I like Morrison's that they don't do a sort of copy of Heinz thing No, they do what a lot of brands do which is try and mimic They're not cool. Do you know what's cool?
Yeah, and they're not cool clients It's beans or something like that, you know, they mix they're proud to just be basic each smart It says what does it say that because I don't know big beans you want to day out what they keep saying It's good for the heart the more you eat the more you fart the more you fart the more you fart the fart that you feel to have big beans Every meal and they make you start beans beans will prove the more you eat the more you choose and other songs other songs So Heinz beans cost 65 p this is a half can eat smart you say big beans. Yeah, 25 p for these These are 220 grams half cans aren't they one serving basically each that will look? Oh, yes I should mention that they're only the small things. Yeah, but yeah, okay, so and how much with the Morrison's off brand It's smart 65 for the Heinz beans and those they have any hand the eats mark with 25 now That's cheap is very cheap, but will the flavor be cheap?
Well, I don't know if I'm very confident going into this ball because I you know I do like beans Yes, and I like to especially with a cook breakfast before it's the breakfast I like to dip my like the bean juice. Yeah, I like to dip my toast in the beans use the naked bean juice I don't know because when I get a breakfast usually not they do much these days, but when you get a breakfast out Yeah, you don't say I'll do times you just eat the beans you given the ways the opera is like the daddy's beans or whatever it is Yeah, anyway, we have a thing that's actually on that thought Mike that slows down that someone gives him beans I'm big beans. He will know in something you won't eat them. He knows he knows the time But if you put down a knockoff or whatever he will know and he will make quite the same He's like modding this love is very proud.
Yeah, right and then it'll get ugly in this vibe. You know Right, okay, so the fuck I'm fine. What is what this is? These are Branston baked beans now Branston very famous brand in the UK for making pickle Yes, and when we say pickle it's that British form of Nick and it's a chutney pickle.
Yeah, it is a chutney pickle And it's got a rutabaga in it. You know it's a vegetable. I thought it was the active from Blade Runner Who look at how it was brother rutabaga? Yeah, I don't think I've a scene for right So Branston, but they're known now what I never realized Paul about Branston when I saw Branston beans because they're very popular these ones as well I don't know when I first saw them I thought oh is it beans a taste of the pickles that they make?
Oh, okay I mean as in Branston flavored bean. Yeah, which is not outside the realm of something that might be real No, apparently no, they're just they're into my sauce, aren't they? Yeah, but it does say on the side Is that good housekeeping winner or something? There's a little white circle next to the logo on the front that has on the side good housekeeping Good housekeeping Institute.
What's that? What's it saying? They give it a thumbs up? Yeah, yeah Okay, I just wonder what that was.
I thought you guys doesn't need that does it? Hines are just like listen man. You got the one of beans who we got 57 varieties? No, they don't have to catch up So what says 57 varieties on that?
It just has heines beans but all the zed when they start doing that as well put the zed on beans Was that always a thing or am I just going? I'm sure there never used to be a zed to easily That is a new thing everything's wrong with the modern world the Americanization of this bloody country. Oh, have you done any research on this? Branson stuff?
No, it's just Branson beans and I presume they're the ones that you probably get in a calf We just move up what's the price on the Branson beans please 50 pence so 15 p cheaper than the brand heines than the howines but 25p for the off brand Yes, so I'm expecting it to be very nasty perhaps it'll take a bit like apple juice Maybe maybe you know like it's a concentrate. It's the nature of the sugar perhaps it's the nature of the sugar You know the quality of the sugar don't tell me but I reckon probably that there's more additives in the cheap one Well, it says you're 53% Haricott beans if that means anything this just has beans on heines one the Morrison's one says tomato puree water sugar modifying starches onion powder Pbrika rapeseed oil clove extract quite a lot of good on in this yeah Cinnamon hines don't tell you shit. I was one. You know the recipe cap con.
No, what's that? Capaccon that's chili extract and garlic oil well Lots of stuff in that where is the high ends is tomato beans water sugar vinegar So I saw spice extract. Yeah, so the spice extract could be could cut as a multitude of Ingredients beans tomato so far. It's exactly it's actually exactly the same as the high Yeah, they're trying to be the high so here's the plan I'm gonna now put these in a cup each one to get a cup I'm gonna put the cup in the microwave and put them in for the two minutes It says on the side of ten to microwave and four and gonna bring them back all at the same time you might go Yeah, I'm gonna bring them back.
I'll be wearing a microwave Well, yeah, that blindfowl You'll be wearing a blindfowl and I will hand you a cup and the fork and then we'll do what we always do And after the three cups you'll judge and I'll write that say what I'll be looking for is the one that I like the taste of the most and Separately I will try and spot the hines and also spot the other two. Yeah, I'm trying to get it all right I'm trying to guess each one blind to taste tested bean in my mouth Paul And just so you know what I can be handing them to him in the order of we just described them They will be mixed up and so you won't know what he's gonna be served until it's in his mouth Just the way I like it. Well, have you got one of those air freshest plugs into the wall? Yes, my god, it's killing me.
I can't breathe. Let's go and prepare these beans. We'll see in a minute. Right?
Right, that's it beans are now ready. They've been in the microwave for the amount of time designated. Oh, you're going yes I go straight into it not forget to press record like I've done in the past. Okay, so we're still here.
Just start again then No, it's just sit down say that again come on for me right. We're back the beans have been cooked in the microwave for the amount of time That's in said to cook them for that's done. It's done. We're ready.
I've got them all lined up here Eli going into this how you feeling? I'm not 100% confident Paul. I'm very familiar with beans I haven't been aware of noticing the difference between brands before so what I'm looking for is yeah Sort of amplitude rating that's gonna be high highest for the highs because they are the kings of amplitude as they demonstrated by their mastery of the world Catch up soon. Okay, is it mastery or they just kind of got the best ketchup?
No, it's the best. That's the best And people swear by it. Just like your dad swears by high-hines beans. Yeah, I'm hoping it has a Just salt like an overall just be meaning call like I'm gonna thin slice it and then I'm not gonna think about it I'm just gonna let the fucking pure flavor hit the brain stem We talk about the cot.
Shall we talk about the beans are hot? Well, the beans are hot. Let's make a's to us the beans are hot right? Okay, play any my face beans So I'm gonna hand you again There are three but I'm gonna hand them how about how we went through them?
So this will I'm gonna show the camera is being number one for me. I'm gonna hand it to you Make sure I got this right. Oh, oh you're caught. Don't hurt me hands on the cup.
I've got it I've got it. I've got it. All right, right Do you want to give me a fork ready? I'm gonna give it a half.
Don't you worry about that. Oh, that's real greasy calf It's a farty smell. Yeah, he beans. Oh, that's a real farty bean.
I'm not getting a lot of tomato off the alright Is it comforting? Yeah in that way, but it's not a lot now. Anyway, let's go in. Is that the huff?
No, it's time for the bite. Oh, really? What? How are you going?
How are the beans for you beans of mine? Yeah, what are you getting into the amplitude? I think off is off to the amplitude is not there for me on that one It's like the source is slightly watery and tastes a bit like sweetener rather than okay, but the beans do have the skin on the nice Thermless to the skin. I'll say that so I don't want to go too far before I put some comparison, you know No, I'm gonna have to put that down there.
I'm gonna have to put that down now Okay, I would say just by going by it. I think those are First four is those are probably the cheapest okay, there's the Morrison's off brand or I might be wrong and I might these might Let's just see the second one is when it really starts to kick in for me. Well here we go Here is beans number two handing in the cup. Oh, I wiped it all off.
I don't get you got a juice bean juice contamination I've given his fork a nice little towel letter to clean off so the sources can't be contaminated between cups Right. I'm gonna give number be number two go for it a great big huffy. Here we go. Huff it.
Oh, oh now What you're huffing. Oh, that's less even less to mark a wee than the last one really? Less smell there's less smell at all Let's smell everyone all right. They've got really not much smell at all just a very faint sort of soy saucy smell beans All that smell though to be fair.
Well, I tell you what compared to these ones the first one we're a smellathon Oh, okay. Anyway bean you down that And what is your opinion on beans number two any time you want the beans and mushier, okay? There's less structural integrity to the beans right the source is more tomato. Yeah, it's less sweetenery less sweetenery definitely and thicker That's good then because I think having a thicker sauce helps a lot But what in terms of flavor were you getting not much no the businesses there?
But I don't like the texture of the beans over there's cheap sort of mushy. Oh, I would say Toting up in the don't know I just can I withhold mine you can withhold anything you like until we get to the only allowed to retaste Some of course you have to yeah, of course you can oh I'm here to test the limits of your taste. They're definitely different from the first ones definitely be number three Okay, third bean let's have a half of this and see what we go with these go in from there off from the bean God It's hard to get any kind of half out of that at all mate Maybe off is the best angle to approach the first the first ones were half-tastic mate lovely lovely steamy calf on a morning smell You know I get it I understand I get it. It's the sound of the team maker Bean smell Oh Little I have to taste these beans use the right way you fucking idiot.
I use my eyes usually pull Oh What you think you miss the silverman first of all positive negative are you positive towards the flavor? That's the nicest okay, that's got the m the texture and the flavor. Yes, yes. Yes.
Yes. Is it what you would maybe call amplitude? Yes, yes, right. Would you like to try any of yours before you make any final decisions?
Yeah, what you like to try one or two one one okay here is put it in your hand Yeah, the sauce isn't right on those ones no they're wrong. I tell you which ones I like the most and it's a little recap I'm taking my father. Okay before the brightness. Oh right.
I'll tell you what Paul. Yeah beans number one. Yeah watery artificial tasting Okay, beans had nice texture right okay, number two quite mushy beans, but a nice taste okay and a good amplitude Right number three the most amplitude, but not as quite as tasty as two. Okay, but I think I think what do I go with?
Well, I think the knockoff was not beans number one Morrison's and I think number two was the Branson and I think the last one you gave me was the Hinds so oh maybe not actually Come on what it's all about the sauce. I'm trying to think is it about the I think number two I think the middle one was the hinds and the last one was the Branson So you are saying it was Morrison hard because the last number three was a bit brittle. There was something about the texture That was a slightly off. Okay, so I think number three was something trying to be hinds I a Branson right number one is just they didn't have enough to spend on the source basically as much It was thin girl and I totally wrong.
Let's find out you said the first one was Morrison's knock off You said the second was Hinds and the third was Branson. Here is the actual order of the beans the first one Was Morrison's oh yeah, however the second one was Hinds and the third one was Branson's oh my first three right? Oh, yes, your first grand slam mate. That's amazing.
I didn't think you got to get it for a minute I think the hinds won't do it at the last moment. This is not the last minute fucking yes There you go boy out of all three which would you prefer which of the nice which was I prefer too Which was what the Branson know the beans behind yeah, I preferred it really yeah When you were in the moment you didn't seem to be enjoying over then I that's when I thought it over again He's fucking backtracking on that no, but you're like the Branson best because that was one you had the most positive reaction to your first No, you know the Branson the beans were a bit brittle like they didn't the hinds. It's magic. They turn into a lovely mush Okay, the transition from bean to mush It's like really pleasing on the highs and they haven't got it quite right on the on the on the Branson There's too much to do a bit chalky slightly chalky But you can just tell from the source mate with the with the knockoff they don't have the money to spend on proper sugar That's what it is yeah, so here's the thing that and it's watery as well.
The thing is is it worth it No, do you rather a little bit more and get the Branson's definitely and with your dad here? Yeah, he's a hind man. Yeah, okay Honestly, the Branson was close because it's what forty people forty people forty people more it's twice as expensive But that was just not nice. It's all those more since well, okay, so I don't think you could really replace it No, but I guess it's not too bad I wouldn't say the Branson's fifty billion is probably a good deal as well.
Yeah, no the Branson's are nice Yeah as well. So yes, you're really more than will be like maybe if you have to report Yeah, you're not you're not the gap between the Branson's and the high-end's not huge Which is reflecting the fact that I could I kind of confused them the first Yeah, fucking came down with the hard science Well, and all distinguished beans like a man on fire today now What's oh hang on oh no hang on Can you say that I'm fire found me here? I didn't the dead drop was said inside to come here Hello, right hello Paul you speak to him I'm gonna do it, but please come here and find out that you're real. We'll get next and I'm not doing it I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm back out illegal It's perfectly legal roughly legal. I've been a loud out.
Have you got a bracelet on your ankle or something? Yes, so is it weirdest? I'm not entirely convinced anyway, I'm here to collect debt Oh to me we don't owe you anything you sign this piece of paper Did you not know because that's in 2018? Yes, you did right?
Okay. What does it say? It says I hereby hand over control of cheap show and all cheap show related products and merchandise to Cheap show corporation incorporated mmm. Messers brand off That's me if you didn't know you're your company's been liquidating We went to jail all your contracts became null and void as a result of the traction against you therefore that is absolutely meaning You may do what you're after there.
You have no right standing over cheap show anymore. I might have a dirty protest. Are you like yes? So cool you're around around them right you like you told me it was gonna be all right when I came down here And you have a payment.
Oh is that what you told him? Yeah, why do you fucking tell him that? Because he's we've been a communication poor We've got you know, he's been fucking drinking like a chum Ruff ruff ruff. Mate.
So long story short. You got nothing you have no more legal standing. I don't know anymore You don't you don't you sit when you're in jail all those conduction non-voi we are free right? I'll tell you something sunny Me lad go for lenders 10 ten quid.
I will give you 50 right if you look for my hairy beans Listen, I don't what that means is that a new piece? Do I know what you face first? My hairy ass? He's just sorry I'm rigid.
He's trying to you know he does this thing we improvise is terrible You go though, I'm fucking confused by that. It was very poor now one last thing right before I go give you a ten If you can fuck off. I will take that tenor. Yeah, I will take it.
I will go to a bus I didn't want to say this mm-hmm But off brand off off brand off brand off was usually put you know It's my segment usually sponsored by you in the past right? I still don't know because the contract you'd like to me Are you dirty sluts? Sorry? Sorry, Richard.
So as a result, we're now gonna new sponsor. What's the show who? Who's this? I can't I'm Bill Donut and this is Bill Donut's off brand brand off you got a song for it Is it brand is it not brand off brand off a lot?
I'm a man who knows the things you don't know the things I know I know all the brands the brands are knowing me and one two three four five. I am a brandy man That's the song I've written because you have so much on it over the years. Oh rough rough bill Yes, oh you're gonna pretend you don't know me know I must go I don't know who this man is and Bill don't do this you bill you signed the contract now Listen, I'll tell you something poor that man poor. We think I'm pulling you like we go for this for a minute But all speak boys have to talk all right, okay?
So what were you saying brand off this little fucking slut? Yes bill? I've got you I own you I own you I've got a suitcase full of skeletons and they've all got negligence on you know what I mean bill you fucking come round here What and you ruin this lovely little cuz you think I've got so we don't know how fucking cut you brand off right don't you know that you know I've still got connections. Oh, they may fucking see me as a dodgy old fuck But I've got them right round my father's finger and if you step into my house, okay And you fucking ever again try and take what's mine?
I'll fucking cut you from cock to throw and fill you with my fucking chunder all right And then I'll put you in a fucking river very well Well, this is the way you're going to add to share a history bill and you can't just turn your back on that Well, I'm saying it's not a little gig here. Do you're doing it? Be honest, you know what's going on. You've got a nice little kid doing their little song and dance.
Yeah, it's real with these people do it Just listen. I want two percent of this. I found it. What have you fucking got for two percent?
What do you I've got sponsorship deals? I'm gonna be back on my feet in no time. Do you still know? I'm buying a Coca-Cola.
I'm buying a Coca-Cola. You shut your mouth. You shut your mouth. You fucking shut your mouth.
Bill donut. Where'd you come up with that? You can't? Yes, who is with the old sports talking?
I'll be gone in a second. Get the money ready you two. Ruff ruff ruff. Oh, I want this to know is this.
Do you still know the hairy brothers? I know the hairy brothers. That's how they'll be in. I'm prepared to go down to 1.5 percent figureish away.
If you can get me to the hairy brothers. I listen, I've still got my little black book, my friend. Ruff ruff ruff ruff. If you think you've got a good word, you think you've got skeletons?
I've got a whole fucking morgue of secrets from you. Listen, they're fucking across me. Listen to me, Bill. Listen to me.
I've got something on you. You've got something on me. We both got stuff on each other. 1.5 percent on the back end.
I'll get your hairy brothers. It's all in place. The Empire's all in place. You've got what?
You've got Hemorrhyth? Drugs coming in. You've got a big stash of it. You've got it coming through the podcast.
If they know this, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. They won't fucking know. They won't. They won't.
You're not going to tell us. It's all grown up. You're going to be rich men. You're going to fuck a father.
Just remember, Bill. I know you when you were seeing the tapans in the gutter. Mate, how do you think you've survived this long in prison? I've let you live.
I've let all those people stay away from you. I've protected you because you've got connections with the hairy brothers. So you fuck off and get with the hairy brothers. I'll get you the hairy brothers.
I'll write Rothroff. We're done now, Mr. Paul, are you like... Right, Paul!
You're in my bad books. I'm going now. I have that only. Yes, here you go.
It's the five of... Ten of them. Ten of them. All right.
Right. What I ask you. Yeah. I'm going.
Bye. Bye, Mr. Brandoff. Bye forever.
Maybe. Don't flee. It's Chitch! Who was that?
No, don't do that. No, no. No, no. No, no.
No, no. No, no. That was Brandoff. Fucking off.
Chitch! Please don't. I can't do the quarantine. Who was that?
Bill? Did I miss something? No, we'll let go back to my office. We can have a Chitch!
Obviously, you haven't seen nothing. And you never fucking will. Yeah, it's Golden Games. Yeah, it's Golden Games.
Zero, yeah. There you are. Yeah, it's Golden Games. It's Golden Games.
It's Golden Games time. It's that time of the show. I'll pull out a board game that I found. The charity shop or maybe on eBay and give it an old play in a tinkle with.
And we have a bit of fun, don't we? It's a Golden Games time. And today we are playing a game based on a TV show I've never heard of featuring one of Britain's most beloved TV celebrities until he died. It's Terry well, get in here.
It's a Golden Games. Can you do a Terry well with a impression? Oh, I'm Terry walking so I am. He's so I am, diddly diddly.
And on me show this morning, I am Terry walking so I am. What blank? I went to the chip shop the other day, an old farmer's chip shop opened his chips. Old farmer's chip shop so poor, he can't afford fish versus fish and chips.
Instead, he uses blank or blanks. Diddly diddly. And then you say... Spaff in a tray.
Spaff in a tray. What do you think? Les Dennis. Oh, deep fried.
Oh, deep fried. Spaff in the tray. Oh, no. Oh, I can't believe it, diddly.
Alright, Samantha Fox, what did you say? Oh, I can't believe it. Alright, Samantha Fox, what did you think? Was the answer.
Blank or blanks? I said, I don't know. Fish. OK, um, um, um, um, Jasper Carrot, what do you think is the blank?