Me, my, my, my, my Traditional people! More, more, more, more, more, more! It's just not up, I'm doing my voice! No, you're now in exercises, you're doing my mouth exercises!
And you hear the pretense in his silly actors voice, everybody! Bob Bob Bob Bob! Fifth. Fifth!
You've been not gonna make me noise, make me laugh with any... I'm sorry again! Hey! Huh!
I frickin' dick guitar! You can't join in now, you can't join in! I think you'd pocket pa pa, frickin' dick guitar! They're not!
Ruby-Lu Be! They aren't regulation malfesance for flipball! Mac Sr. P!
Right, I warmed up now, let's crack on with the show. Hey, you know I was reading a book the other day. Wow, that's a big step for you. Anyway, just before we get started with the show proper.
Hello everyone, welcome to Chief Joe Blobblob. No news, no news. No news, no news, no news. No, is it well that keep on giver?
It's not really news really, it's book's been out there. He's like a hairy well. Yeah, he's a big, kind of fleshy, hairy well that sinks into the ground. Imagine with pupils, not pupils.
His eyes do have pupils. You, what's the word for a gunnery booble? No, don't get a read booble, he's my new character. No, no.
I am a gunnery booble. Now listen, I just had a poor. Montgomery blue balls. Oh, God, oh, maybe he can come back.
Okay, I'm not doing the gon' rebuables. I'm a gon' rebuable. Go and put your blue balls on ice, won't worry. There you go, that's the noise of his blue balls.
Steaming. Now Paul, imagine if you will that you had a mansion and then in the back garden, you built this strange folly on a well head that was the shape of Knoll's head and you could put him walk around in his wig, sort of up there. It's a topiary style. It's not topiary, I'm talking about architectural reels.
It's been built. Like a wicker man. Like a wicker, a wicker knoll. Yeah, I think we've done the wicker knoll.
Yeah, it's like, do we do wicker blobby or something like that? No, you said wicker wicker bungle. Yeah, I do wicker man gags for everything nice from the past. I forget the guitar, sorry.
Anyway, we're gonna say hello properly. Hello, I mean, I saw them all down there. And now it's time for Knoll News. So I was reading the John Ronson book, Lost at Sea or Something, loads of small articles.
And I forgot there was a whole chat about deal or no deal and how he hung around with the people on deal or no deal for awhile and spoke to Knoll. And Knoll hits talking about the cosmic thing, asking the cosmos for stuff and you'll get it. And he goes, I asked the cosmos for a woman and the cosmos delivered. And John Ronson was like, was that the one that ended up going to the papers about your personal life?
And he went, yeah, we're like, well, trust with you. I've had it on that list as well. So here's the clip. It's like cosmosdating.com.
You know what I mean? That's where he got her. He asked the cosmos, you know? Cosmos, dot, smart.
So she wrote in the Sunday People in 2006 this little lovely description of the sensitive knoll. I feel like I'm in Knoll's bedroom, sensitive knoll. Under the sheets. He was a very tender and lovely kiss him.
When I woke up with him the following morning, I felt completely at ease. His first words were cup of tea, darling. He was a very giving man in all aspects. Satisfied me in every way.
No, has his own special song for us. It was your beautiful bike, James Blunt. But once he was back at the top, he didn't need me anymore. I felt he just discarded me.
He was a hypocrite who used me to make himself feel more positive about himself. That's Marjan Simmons. Wow. That brought me so much.
Do you guys want to share it? What do you think he's liking? It sounds like a scene from Alan Partridge. And Alan Partridge.
That's the thing, though. It's so, I don't know, it's so typical of what you think that kind of celebrity would be like. And you see so many talk about it. Anyway, I like the cheap show.
I hate you. I'm your fucking noodle posity. People love noodles. It's a defective cheap show you're going to have to learn the fucking accent.
Chee Show. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Chee Show. Be like Silverman.
Welcome to Chee Show. And a girl, and a nuzzle. I must apologise. Why?
I'm all bummed up. So, have you hear me? I don't like any nice element. So, wait, you'll turn the audience to listen up for how you always sound every episode.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Welcome to the cheap show. The economy podcast. No, you don't.
You don't make me off. I can say that. I can say that. I can say that.
We've plaid this rodeo before. I've been on this rodeo before. I'm a monkey. I'm a monkey staple to a pig at a rodeo.
That's a brilliant metaphor. It's more active. You know what? It's a metaphor relationship.
Just reverse it. I'm the monkey attached, stapled to you little piggy boy. Right. Right.
Welcome to cheap shows where we go through the bargain bins, basements and other places. You make it sound like we just break into houses. We go into Gibdunchen's basement, sex game, Emporia, and also other sleazy places. Ooh, sounds good.
That's an okey throne room. Staple my throngage down. I am orgy throne room. No, no, no.
Come on. That has to be. That doesn't sound like a name of anyone. It sounds like what it is.
Orgy throne room. Yeah, it's like a part of an orgy. No, it's a new band. Big lamb.
Orgy throne room. Boy. Right. Anyway, Paul, what's coming up on the show today?
On the show today, we have a... We have a lovely, lovely, tales from the shop floor. We've got one in the top back middle pocket. Off the pocket.
Off the cushion. Into the pocket. This series is not becoming a big break. We've got one in our pocket.
It's not a big break. We have a... Literally coming up the door to come to our hot secret studio to record this. A box game.
And it was full of stuff to do with Price of Strike with. I'll have an answer. It's another little bespoke price of shite. And we will be playing...
What will we be playing for today, Paul? We will be playing for... Between. That's right.
I was trying to think of me catchphrase. That is the catch for you. What do you play for? You play for?
You play for it. It's a fucking shit. Well, at least it is one. No, either better one.
Well, think of it. Now, now, now. Break it, break it, prawn. You'll feel the sting if you don't get a pew-t.
Ooh. I'm not gonna say the sources stand in the jam report. We're moving on. What do you mean moving on?
This was 2020, my friends. What's the bigger category? 2020, but it's a bigger category. Jam.
Bullshit. I call bullshit. Let's look at the empirical fucking evidence here. I'm not gonna sit here and let you just come in waving your jam around.
So this is the jam news or whatever some shit action jam reports. This is not... You will not be dragging the forum of source reporting. The noble tradition that this podcast has of source reporting and dragging it through the gutter.
Oh, shut up. With your guttural jam. Shut up. You're boring elf.
We have to talk about this off fucking... I tell you something right now. It's a subsection. The jam report's fine.
We can have jam news. It's replacing the source report for the hot new young generation. Just to reply to jam news. Jam is a subsection of source.
The action jam report with Paul Ganon from the action jam studios. Hello, I'm Paul Ganon and we've got some hot jam news coming in. Today we're starting with this. It was made for me for being a good friend.
And it is. I'm excited to try this out because it's handmade. It's called Mango Marmalade. And I'm gonna be trying it right now in the hot action jam report.
Can I try some? It's got Mango in... Am I'm gonna try some? Honey and Cinnamonman homemade.
I'm not allergic to any of those in Greece. Oh god. The fucking... Oh, it's...
It's not like I've got the mask of the half report, man. The mask of death half report. Oh, I don't like the look of it. What does that look like to you?
It looks like baby food. Yeah, it does. I might have left it too. It looks like baby food.
It's a swamp top. It's got a swampy top. No, I'm all banged up. Like I say, sorry about that, everyone.
I don't think I can get any... It's sniffed through. I'm really... It pierce the sour.
It's got a sack. It's gone off that. It's the action jam report. This jam's gone off.
Sorry, whoever that is. I'm going to try a bit. Oh. Oh, have a super coffee.
What did you say? What did you say? It was just very tart. It's very tart.
Have a bit. Have a bit. He's putting his forehead on it. It's not skin-folded on it.
It's a different rate of skin. No, that's a bit of... It's a bit of... It's a bit of a kid's logo at the top.
It's got a bit of a jelly bit on it. Oh, I don't know what that's meant to be. Right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to do it. Action jam report.
The report is bad. Source report will be back next week. That was a disaster, Paul. That's really...
The kids will love it. It's the new Hot 21st Century Report. Action jam news. And it'll be here every week on TV.
Oh, disgusting man. Paul, before we go ahead with the rest of the show... Of course you do. Before we do anything.
You did make a sort of promise that you'd look at... No, I did agree that. I'll give him all the chance this week. So, okay, bring it on.
Marjry, Marjjry, come down. It's fine. You've got it. Yes, Paul's going to go on the tour with Marjry, Paul.
Yes, no, I've been looking forward to the tour. If just for those who don't remember you, Marjry... She's called Marjry. She's not here.
She's walking across. Okay, well, don't tell me more about it before she gets here. Marjry, Craddock. Marjry, she's going to take you down...
Well, it's not her back, her. She has an Emporia. And also, she doesn't like the dirty stuff. What do you mean?
In terms of bad language? She's an old school lady. Marjry's an old school lady, so if you want to... Okay, keep it going.
Okay, because you can... All right, now, okay, fair enough. Here she is. Oh, hello, are you Paul?
Hi, I'm indeed. Thank you for joining us on the show. I'm Marjry Craddock. No, wonderful stuff.
Now, you... My name is Noree Ly. He said to me, you would come and look at my machines with me. So, before we go anywhere...
This way... Your credentials. How did you get a backdoor Emporia or something? Oh, well, you're asking there, younger Jimmy Jim.
Are you called Jim? Sorry I forgot. Paul was it? At one point, the events arise when all of your lies, characters arrive.
Paul, and you won't know which character he's doing anymore. I'm sure I'm sure I don't... I'm pretty sure she never said Jimmy Jim before today, so... Well, that's just something I say with him familiar with people.
Right, OK. Oh, Sue, Paul, you asked me, what is my back story? Is that what you're saying? How I came upon the Emporia?
Yes. Well, as a young lady, I liked Little Trinkets, music boxes, wind up, dolls, ever such... No, like Tim on Grand Elusions. Well, I've actually had extensive affair with Tim.
You've given you the beans. He's delivered beans via very novelty penis. Like very novelty penis. He has all sorts of...
You've had Charlie's translation of your own thoughts. He has... He has lots of stunt penises. I didn't think this would come up so early.
Timmy and Timmy go way and way back. Does he drop his trousers and say, what a lovely little thing. And then puts it close up towards your face. Anyhow, and I went to university afterwards, so I just happened to...
Yeah. Here at a cafe. OK, another cafe. London's Picadilly's house.
Nice. And I just started from there really was. So, you've got to come and look at the Emporia. Come here.
Yes, OK, well, here we go. Here we go. Down here. Walk in.
That's Monroe. He's my helper. He's my handyman. He's my left-handman.
He's my right-handman. He's the man for me. Monroe, my helper. My name's Monroe.
That's all he says. Right, good. Now, if you come down, down this back. Pass a cheer.
I'm going to go to the next two. Melton Pelbury. My name's Monroe. Yes, Monroe.
My name's Monroe. Yes, you like that. Very nice movies. Like Groot.
Hey, here we are. Pelton, Melbury Arcade. You come this way. Oh, yeah, lovely.
All's nice. Here it is. There's his entrance to Marjorie Craddox, Emporia. Of the scenes!
Now, what floor do you want to start on? It's just a tent. No, no, no, it's just a tent in the alley. No, no, no, no.
It's just a tent. It looks like a tent to you. Yeah, because it's a tent to me. How many floors has a tent got?
Not one. What floor would you like? Oh. What special type of machine?
Hey, what type of machine? They're all here. Do you have a machine that washes dishes? Ooh, OK, floor two.
It's Defund the ground floor two. We're just standing next to it. Here we are. The floor of washing machines.
Oh, look, there's a washing machine. It's like a massive hand on a can of pulley system with a rag. That's a very old one. Circular and the plates have drawn up on a pulley.
You have a ton of new seats here. No, there's a moderns and new seats. A lot of points. One point one.
Yeah. And a two and a 10 D. I don't know why you ask because I have the only machine you can imagine. Okay, here we go and go to floor seven special machines Here we are just so you know we are still standing by your tenth floor seven.
Oh here. I think you'll like this machine. Yeah, it's useless Actually useless, but it's a machine that will build any other machine. So what you just put the component parts in it Oh, no, you don't have to put anything in it.
It just does it so it's a magic. It is it's no It's the best technological thing I've ever seen if I wanted another machine of any description at all I just go and have it in it would like it makes it you know have to buy anything again because this machine makes the machines you want Actually, it's no it's an amazing machine. Well, let's see if it works To do talking prations for you clean things Right Model top Monroe I have my The Very unusual old Tomaton I picked up back in the 60s. Yeah, that's not all the sound while you don't under a pre what why don't you appreciate the fact that this machine Universal machine Machine Just respond it's a very old machine doesn't respond to that in response to spells now you tell you what you ask and I'll say the Spell that I'll say the spell at the back of the machine, right?
Okay, I'm a machine that makes playing cards Here goes the machines working It's good 50 years with old pack of cards nice it's a universal machine doesn't think the thing is yes It's a reason I say it's useless for because in my Emporia of machines There's every conceivable machine you could ever imagine so you know I don't really need one I've got a wall here on the several million floors of the Emporia now I just wanted to show you this one quickly and then we'll walk over the third one you get back to the podcast, okay? Listen, I think you like to get into the panic I think the panic I don't know what you're talking about next I don't know what you're talking about come on Marjorie whatever your name is now this is an interesting one because I've been listening back to the podcast I don't like the swearing but you know it's some interesting things about the time you talk about machines once or twice I like a winky machine yes, well that's any other dimension. I got several of them obviously yeah Yes downstairs in the winky floor this machine however he's going This machine is the inch man. Oh that sounds familiar funny encased in there And you just all he does is gives you inches you who asked for inches all these what do they pop out inches up here inches plop out of him or something No, just says it do you give it a go.
No, I'll do it there. Hey Marjorie. Yes poor fat cocks. Oh, oh Have you got a machine that makes big fat throbbing cocks?
I don't like the tone of your language Machine man row was that you mean by the inch man is that your little sex-toll fuck you You're just saying Margaret Marjorie. No, I'll have my okay you out. I'm just gonna get some inches I'm not gonna say Margaret crumble flaps. I'm gonna call you Marjorie crumble flaps Well, whatever you like from outside of the imporia This is all shit.
Oh Right, I'll just don't find you go. I'll just see I just want to see the inch man work. Oh, oh, five inches I Hope that you to keep working into the floor of G show week in week out Man Ten minutes ten minutes of all to shit that I can have to sit through when editing thanks for that it was all gold ball No, it was it flowed. That was not a box of terries all gold.
Oh, sure. It's your coffee What's your problem? Oh, cool. I know we're holding coffee listening to you rabble on I got invented donkey Well, if we need machines, she's you're a lady now.
It's all shit in there. It's all crap. It was not It's all I didn't know I didn't know so I've been back at the party. Yeah, I know so you don't know how shit was made it was shit in there I don't believe you because she has a machine that makes machines and she doesn't understand the importance of that You know, she's old school and yes, she was desperate to show me a fucking 12 inch cock on the wall that she called the inch man She's a little machine now love it a deal.
Don't get sound correct I think that's what it was. I think that's how I'm retconning that so you never touch the idea of instrument again But he'll pour right. It's no time for tales from the shop floor Show floor floor floor floor and that is the segment of cheap show where you the listeners write in with your amusing stories about working in shops Yes, that is correct. You said it I was so used to you going off on a mad tangent that I just I never go from mad tangents.
I just all mad tangents mad tangents Oh, I'm gonna have a I'll agree that number's worth So here it is it is from can we say the name on make sure to say the name Joe sends this Joe hello Paul and Eli Hello Joe thought I'd write and say story about a place to work out It's a large indoor market in a dump of Kingston upon all I never been there is it is how is that is that how when I howl's a river It was how the thing the bit inside you know Like protrudes into the country and it's full of all toasted the mic not often angle I don't know why you're doing that. I don't know why you always sit at an angle sit front on Yeah, yeah, right. I'm sure you know the type big coal buildings of various independent traders bags and DVDs and key cutting Yeah, I get the picture Yeah, working their market grown up was exactly like that just a sort of down market market It was like a massive I know Hall broken up into segments with loads of stalls in it was indoors But it's all just cheap clothing and sort of hardware stuff the fish guy and the fish guy and the bread plate It's some fish. Yeah, it's some bread.
It's a nice bit of a All-ster fry I think they called it was like a span like a span bacon thing that you get in a bat in no It was just right why am I never heard of that? I don't know I think it's a northern thing I think it's a good way to name but basically imagine across from bacon and spam and it comes out of these kind of Long overall kind of strips. Yeah, I think with a frying pan they critter. It's that you can get it in cans bacon roll They call it's like rations you slice it.
This is a time basically a bacon span for it. Yeah Excellent It was recently refurbished turning it from a shittle into a shit hole with a fresh coat of paint city of culture 2017 Hull yes, it is hull here Some of the characters I interacted with among my fellow traders would make for a fucking amazing sitcom There was a man selling antiques that was mostly brick-a-brack. He would sit buried behind his large mound of tat and occasionally fall asleep I mean, that's a great life Always eating and drinking coffee from a flask. Yeah, this sounds like he's got a great life at lunch thermos Go sell a smurf to a child.
Yeah, you make it back to his house at the end of the day It'll take a collie as mentioned, but probably does. Yeah, I'd like to have a week to do that I'll be honest, that's how we end our days with a shitty little market stall full of crap that we built up over the years in this podcast And we're just sleeping you're smoking and I've got a cup of I got a flat-round me neck with coffee and Smell the sitcom. Yeah, Paul and Eli want a charity shop market stall type thing Yeah, be good with all the wacky characters who come by like Montgomery blue balls. Oh, yeah, yeah all the all the great What does he do?
So what does he do? He walks around being frustrated all the time and he'll never like a carol with Benny Hill Basically, no There was a food guy selling cakes and snacks some literally years out of date, but with the dates mysteriously vanished So who would know so like he was like rubbing the dates off. Yeah, probably rubbing one out on the dates That's not that funny. I don't know why you think that's funny It was just because it was market specific man.
I don't usually get anywhere near that clean I was cleanly off on the dates. What are you talking about? Sponging on old food packets to cover the dates up is the no And you say you've lost off on the dates. Yeah, I imagined it.
Yeah next door. It's next door to you. Yeah, yeah Like a grocery which dates it was absolute capital gold in the morning right me who saw the sad and expression on his face when he saw The writer saying me who saw does that sound me comma who saw the sad and express Face For a sentence. Yes, I saw I saw is that better I saw why I know we don't need a hoo Joe Mate can we move on?
No, but I listen this is what people come to expect from this part of the shop or with me having a Pinikity moment about the words he lies per nikety moments in the who in that sentence right me who saw I'll rephrase it then. Yeah, I saw the sudden expression on his face every time he was forced to throw away cakes that were literally Sodden with mold crying over like your megas are there's a few more days in that yeah, I'll never run the mold I'll never do that when you were like really broken your bread and there's a little bit of mold But you couldn't afford you bread to just picked away at it then totally all done it There's a lot of richness in this though, isn't it? I mean, I know it's been a good team at the center So there's some sort of calculus. It's a whole corny copier of different characters poor.
Yeah, also on that same topic Yeah, you know down from where I live on the corner. There's that weird old grocer. That's a shot. Yes weird old Chuck roses he just used to sit there and funky our shop with like food going off But he had like a farm to farms.
He was like a multi-millionaire. So what he was just like going there to That's just all you know how to do which is sell groceries and her and go somewhere. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, kind of lock into a into a Makes you happy you don't want to root see you know, I mean yeah continue there was a large soap lady and a large daughter now I'm assuming they weren't made We all thought it all every day we saw the Cthulhu like shape of a soap monster See again with just a little bit more thought he could have said they could have said there was a lady So who was big yeah, it was a large daughter who occasionally wore short skirts and flashed her hairy muff at the customers Hello shall be mother flash now it now it's up tick No, it's a story for this.
There's some fun. Is that brought you to life? It's because it's some local detail. Isn't it?
It's like a little bit of that seems real flashing a little chubby eye muffling Maybe not on purpose. Maybe she just sat sat down. She did it on purpose little mix. You're a horrible person Right.
Oh, I'm flashing a chab chab. Hang on. He says then we dated for a year. Oh Fooling with us.
Yeah, I know if you ever shopped with quote unquote the DVD man be warned as soon as you were gone He wished over to the bag lady old timid scared of everything especially technology and told it all about your spotty face or flabby ass What is this is you've lost me now Joe. What are you talking about? Well? Can you read that again?
I mean what's going on the DVD? It's almost over now. There's a bit making it up No that whole thing. I loved it when she was flashing a chub hole at peace Can we focus on a focus on either read it?
Yeah, it's not real so I think probably the whole chubbing chub chub flashing was Thing is a chub flash. Oh, here is here comes the chub flash. Oh, right? The worst for me personally was the cobbler he was a nasty horrible vindictive man And I wish no good upon him He was a bully and he would just stand during quiet periods and just stare at me He was directly opposite my stall and he would stand motionless and look in my direction for hours at a time Anyway to the point of the story we got there in this market.
There was an old-fashioned phone box Not sure that's history, but it was old predating the usual designs were used to it's stood in between the men's and the women's toilet With a bank of payphones the left of the lady's door great placement If you're a man needing to make a call the toilets were situated in a large eternally empty pub or one kind face bar made Stood dutifully all day for the one or two people wanting a drink It's like a pub inside inside the marketplace with phone boxes on the outside Weird the toilet would open 9 again, but the market would open from 7 even if no traders were open that early This meant a lot of people would rush in needing a quick poo and find themselves stuck so they'd rush in I don't understand the logic of that what opens went come on So the market was open at 7 but the toilet opened at 9 so if you came in early try for a point You were not like physically stuck you were boned. Yeah, you were up shit Creek without a pencil You were eating the poo back up and you were I've eaten it three times back up. It's coming down against fast I feel like a shit yo-yo master hurts my bow hurts from the pressure. That'd be a great competition Wouldn't it shit yo-yo shit?
Oh look it's come up to it's just a great competition. I think that's a bit of an overstake Yeah, we get guys who tricks you like squat Ben Looking around and then bring it back up. You have to eat rope. This one's called walk the dog.
He just drags it across the floor He's loving this everybody The yo-yo poo Olympics Oh People So you may see where I'm going many times during my time there Tony the workshike here take it would limp over and tell us to come and Look at the CCTV men and women would hobble through the bar find the tool It's locked and do their business behind the phone box one woman did it in the phone box the camera was pointed right at the toilet So it's easy to see which one of us it was lots of different types of people all united by shitting behind the treasured old relic The nearest actual public toilet only less than ten minute walk away They move the phone box after the refurbishment it now sits greeting people in the main market area That's in a corner with a little room to get behind. Hope you like the story love the show best wishes Joe Oh, there's pictures. There's a picture of it looks like a little TARDIS. Oh, wow, that is it?
Oh, they took a shit in there. That is an old looking old phone. They've ruined it I'll put the picture of these are our website. They shouldn't have repainted it.
I like that like the stain look Yeah, but now they've yeah fine give the place a maybe a hat to clean it You know like it had you I was imagining carpet floor for some reason because it's slightly better. Yeah, no this is on carpet is unforgivable Isn't it it's so hard to get out how desperate I've never been that desperate for a shit in public Do you know what I mean when you got into a disuse phone box and then like just dropped it I've never had to shit like I had to do an emergency shit. I'm proud of that. Yeah, I saw the day may well be yeah approaching I mean you have shot yourself twice what a twice in public you do when you're out in that one way you vomit it so hard you shut your pants Oh, it's a public outside.
It was two minutes from home. So it's still outside. It was still just talking about when I've shot myself now It's on you segments Like ass action news that was a very nice letter different from what we usually get because it was sort of a all a bit of a sort of a People of the market sort of thing part of the world was it did you notice well Kingston upon horse? Oh, yeah, you're right.
You would have been another benefit to do that old routine again. Oh, there she is Here's Amanda squatting in the whole phone box. You can see she's trying to cover it expression on her face But we all know what she's doing. She's got that face of a cat with a claw court Oh, you know, I get that smell out.
She's been at the Indian recently. Oh Oh, no, come on Alan. They can't I'm gonna go get a ball? That was this week's tales from the shop floor.
Thank you Hello, ladies and gentlemen, we're doing the price of shine now And he likes please shades on because you can't read me because I can't read him now I literally have all about the between some all about the between I open this box It was it from the PO box, but this I just grabbed on the way out open it for it all into a bag It's right here. I don't know what the contents are. I don't know what this letter says. Are you ready?
This is wrong the wrong way around you do can now do the theme it doesn't feel it feels right do the theme do the theme Do the theme no, yeah, it's the beginning of the thing not whatever that is sounds like a little mouse's head It doesn't matter what it sounds like Paul. It sounds like what it sounds like you want to do the theme or not I said don't say don't want you to I know you don't but I want it out. I'll go on And that's crap I'm not an accepting that I'm gonna do one now I have to say that and that's right and that's right if you're gonna do that then I'm not gonna do anything Oh How we got the shades on doing this it's just creepy I'm gonna do a nice kind of swing one and a bit of acapella It came down to your level Right, oh what's in this? It's a little booklet.
Okay, so come to that in a minute. There's a letter. There's a booklet So I'm kind of booklet will come to that in a minute. Oh, okay is the letter it's from someone called Paul Dear Paul and Eli hello, you might remember me from the Eurovision song fruit salad.
Oh, it's that chap Right now I want the special teacher award, which was my highlight. Oh On the band camp someone's house fruit salad is their favorite song. I've also submitted this year Hey, why let a lack of talent stop me? I've not listened to the songs yet.
He like I've not listened to them all yet We're gonna wait till they're all in deadline end of April Make the cut it might make the cut it might not we just don't know it's a strong competition this year Paul me my brother Tom who sends you the scratch and sniff stickers and the dong had been listening for years I cause them to have a long time cheapskate you have anything to add? I'm just gonna post you before I'm not pulling as to right now. We've got his things like going for dip dog But my tree for tartar. I'm not Marjorie for tartar.
I'm just flat. Oh, he's talking with my head ping-pong No, I know you want something in my head go on something to come out my head. Yeah, so I have a look yeah, right? I'll have a look Wolfman I'm a little bit harder.
I'm a little bit harder Strong strong opening Oh Yeah, anyway, I thought I would try to contribute to the show please enclosed a very special shitty gift edition He sent a shit through the mail ball three things the shit come through the mail shit. It's a shit final in the pouch It's a post of it's a fucking it's a shit shit. It's a sieve. Oh, I've mashed me shit down Man, we charge it he says he's bought three things from charity shop one for Paul one for Eli and one for both of us The answers are on the enclosed cards hidden so you can both play if you like a handful of hints for the prices Here we go all the items were bought from a charity shop in Ipswich Ipswich all together.
I spent no more than five pounds on the items good good. We had a lot of that Rooftops nice to have a fucking yeah Rooftop on the top of top prize. I got the roof and the gift is a fetch the gift I like to think of it as that's probably that's good because it absorbs moisture what about it was a noodle type of thatch No, no no no no and the walls are made of biscuits The gift for the both of you was very cheap and it is the price for the pair so the third thing must be a pair It's a pair and then I have also included two proper gifts for each of you, but not more to just a small token of thanks Oh the label on each gift says it's where it's the gift or is the price. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know it's that right Oh, yeah, I noticed you notice to me, please all you know, everybody I noticed that already when you peruse everything to do with this so called No, just when I got out of the ticking, the twings of me.
All the betwings are gone. All with the zero in the swing. This is year zero. The podcast and content.
Paul, thank you. And here's the book. It's called Call of the Collective Spurn, a story for children by Lucifer. It's a small, self printed, small paper.
Did you hear that? What? That was the noise of sticky, sticky pages. I might be lying.
There was a certain stiffness. I'd rather we concentrate on the game or not. That's just because of where he's cut it. Yeah.
What's it about by looks of things, just as you skim through? It's a sperm. It's a sperm. There's a bird.
There's a cat. So I'd give you one page here? Yeah, give me a page. Yuck.
This small white dove is far too gooey for my liking. And spat him out. Oh dear, Sir Colin. As his little nimless body hit the ground, that's the sperm column of me.
Oh, Sir, it's about sperm. What's the ending? Let's go straight to the end. What do you think happens to Colin?
He ends up in a sock. Oh, God. Oh, what happens to Colin? The collective sperm.
So happy. I have lots of friends now, giggled Colin with delight as he mixed with the girl's saliva and she gulped him down. Right, you know what? I'm not meeting this fuck up.
You'd learn an important lesson. You don't need friends if you can come in someone's face. What the fuck? It's like the fucking song he did.
It makes me feel nasty and unclean. I'm glad you've got an help ball. I hope it's successful. Wow.
Let's crack on with this. Do you want to mention the Point D'Exre incident or rather the Point D'Exre issue? I'll do this section of the show, The Price of Strike, which is a game we play where we compete for the currency of The Price of Strike points, if you will. And what do points mean, Paul?
Point to me between. You'll feel a sting if you don't get a between, if you don't get that between. It don't mean a thing. If it isn't A between.
That's good. That's a good point. Yeah. Do that, do that.
Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that.
Do that. Do that. Do that. Because it's not negative.
Yeah. It's got a lot of... It's got a little bit of a wee. Oh, shitty.
All shitty. That's a little fizzle. Right. We're going to move on.
Biscollent Mortar. Tell us about Point D'Exre. Now Point D'Exre is a bear who engages entirely. The word engages.
Our little teddy bear. Your little teddy bear. And he has a Conrad shirt on. And he's a halydie first here.
Was he like, Paul and Masterpiece? He was a piece of prize. He was originally, wasn't he? And then eventually ended up against your knowledge.
Totally, essentially. He engages in nubbish. Right? OK.
So, perfect. He, we've decided, me and Paul, between us, haven't we, Paul, that Point Dexter will be the keeper of the betweens from now on. And he will sit atop the answers when we do play the twice a shot. Yes.
And he protects the betweens. And then we take him off. And he's a ceremonial keeper of the betweens. He also acts as a sort of, he's like Price Waterhouse Coopers with the Oscar results.
Exactly. And he sits on there and also it's a security thing as well. Because we'd know if any of us was up to nefarious. He would dole him.
He would. He would move. We'd have to move him to get to the answers as well. Yes.
So anyway, on with the game. Right. So we don't have him here with us basically. So no, he's in his interaction.
So today the, the prices, you know what I mean? Which are, yes, he's in charge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Move in.
I don't have any time I said moving on today. I've split Point Dexter. No, you haven't split Point Dexter. You don't know.
Anyway. If you split Point Dexter, there'll be words. Oh, right. We don't have the medical insurance for him to cover it.
Oh, yeah. Any birth stitching. Yeah, there's more than that. So the answers are in this envelope.
Are in this envelope. Here is your shield with Sellotape. Let me split this. Oh, Sellotape all the long and round here.
And today it'll be my, it'll be guarded by Colin the Collectives. OK. There you go. Colin's on there now.
Right. So shall we crack on? Let's crack one off. Do I have the price of Shrek for Eli first?
Oh, so we both, we both guess. Because they're all round. You've got to write down. Oh, that's a good point.
I don't have a pen. I don't have a pen. Right. We have a pen job done sorted.
Right. And that is the betweens. Now what role are we going to be playing by today, Paul? I think we have to go with the basics.
We don't know the order. We don't know the things. So we're going to have to just go with. We do have a ceiling.
We've got a rooftop ceiling, a thatched. It's a cum, so, so, thatch. It's a green cum, so, thatch of a ceiling. And I've been at it.
So today, if we are bang on with our guests and the price is right, then you get two betweens. Two betweens for that. If you are off by 25 people. Either way, either way, or this way or this way or whatever.
You will just get one solitary between. But it's still worth hunting for. It's a betweens. It's a between.
You don't sniff a between. No, you don't. You don't tend to do anything with it. It's non-physical.
It's ephemeral emotional moment. Yes. No in the ether. It's a node.
No, I said node. You can't say node. I know. I know.
I'm just not. You steal all my best lines. You don't have your best lines. No, you do.
You repeat it back. If I say, I'll bark, thatch of me or something. You're going to come in and go, I'll bark, thatch of me. Like, and then everyone thinks you said it.
You didn't say it. I said it. I still stand by Marjorie Crumbleflaps. So, you're an over.
Right. So, each item is right like a Christmas present. Ooh. Which is fun.
So Eli, you can start. Here is your one. Nice goal. I'm going to have a guess at this one.
I don't know. Yeah, maybe. But it's a flat. It's a flat size of my head.
Yeah. Talked about them. I don't think people care too much about the size. Why is it open up?
It's floppy. It's flop-y. It feels like a t-shirt. It's a baby t-shirt.
Oh, it is. Oh, I like t-shirts. Oh. It's a big green t-shirt, Paul.