Oh, everyone? I mean, I said... No! No!
Right! It starts again. I was going to do that, back with another one of those block rocking beats! B poisoned!
Shut up, please! Music It's another Cold Open from Paul Gannon. Hooray! no, I loved it, really No it was brilliant, really.
Himetally bring some energy, because Eli was all... és... Listen... I deal with stuff in my life, I'm not just some vessel...
every once in a while. I'm not some vessel which you pour your, your, your scorn into and then it, and it now doesn't get drained. I have a drain. I have a, I have a force it.
I have a drainage force it for my despair. And it, and it will glue you. It will glue you up. It will glue you.
Eli Silvin's cold open everyone. Did you know? Very good. I loved it.
Yeah, it was very good. Should we start this fucking again? Let's start again. I think we should fucking start again.
I'm just going to say, I'm just going to say, this is where I say hello everyone. Welcome to the cheap show. So fuck off, you like. I hate you and your fucking noodle.
Hotty. And people love noodles. I'm just going to fucking accept. Chee Show.
Chee Show. It's the price of chite. Oh, Ganon. Eli Silvin.
Welcome to cheap show. And a girl with a nuzzle. Yes, hello. Welcome to cheap show.
The economy, comedy, podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain means of charity shops and power lands are great Britain and sometimes further afield. And bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. It's really that simple. I mean, it would have been that good.
I mean, it would have been that good. I said, do you start a wicked hype move? What's that? What?
For your ears. I was going to do like a stab like that. You know what? Epic hype move means.
Because it's not just having a stutter. For your ears. That's pretty good. Anyway, it's another hot fucking day in the...
For your ears. How sausage you're wearing. For your ears. No, but ears.
For your ears. Between ears and arse. There's another word. Yay.
That's what we should do. You go with our new chat up line. We go up to people and say, hello, yes. Hello.
I just know you're laughing. You just got to some of your fancy social meeting. Hello, my name is Paul Ganon. For your ears.
They go pardon? And then you walk away. No, quickly. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Paul, you go for your ears. You go what? For your ears.
And if you go, oh yes, my heart. Please fuck me in it. Then, oh, like, yes, I can say arse. It's like that joke.
Have you heard that joke? Do you have your eyes with a feather? I'll be there for the comic style. So here we go.
Do you have your eyes with a feather? Like, there's this lephari joke. Tell me the joke. Listen, gentlemen.
We've got a new act now coming up for you. I'm going to be five minutes off the show. Please welcome the comic signings of Eli Silverbone. Hello, my dad was Jewish.
My mum, Christian. So in our home, it was sort of kind of normal because it was a GDI Christian. There wasn't a lot of talk about that kind of thing. Your body odor is noticeable over here.
No, no, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. You.
I'm doing some crowd work now. What's your name? Hello, my name's Paul. What do you do?
No, no, it's good. What do you do, Paul? I work in radio. What's that like?
Listening to things and no one's there. Anyway. Oh, there's his bar flight. Cancel him.
There's a bar flight. He's propping up the bar every night, drinking, you know, drinking his sorrows away. He sees this young chap coming night after night and the young chap just seems to be unable to fail to pick up. He'll approach the lady.
Yeah. Wish there was something in here. More often than not. He'll leave within five minutes.
Oh, he leaves with her. Yeah, that's it. Off. Sorry, I know what to stand up to you.
I should just listen. The deal is on. Right. And the bar flight's like, what's going on with this guy?
What does he have? I mean, what's his secret? So he asks him one night. Yeah.
What's your secret? He's like, it's going to be funny when I know he's giggling. I simply got to them and say, tickle your ass with the feather. And they say, what?
If they look shocked and upset, I go, oh, no, terribly nice weather we're having. Or they might think, yes, tickle my ass with the feather, in which case I snore. Yeah. Right.
So that's the joke. That's not the joke. Is there a point you're like, oh, sorry, go on. Shut up.
I just thought it was a trolled off kind of shocking. Shaggy dog. No, you're not. Tickle your ass with the feather.
Yeah. So any very badly. Oh, very nice weather we're having. Terrible weather we're having.
Could be that as well. Cool back. Right. I don't go to where you work and put a cock in or out of your mouth or something.
So the bath light. Oh, I can do this. That's very simple. Tickle your ass with the feather.
Very nice weather we're having. Yeah. So you need a few for Dutch courage. So he slands a few more, even more back and he goes up to the woman and then he goes, Shaggy.
I'm a feather I'm going to ask. He goes, it's fucking raining like fuck. Bada la la la la la. Thank you very much.
He likes it. He'll be on tour. Paul, by the way. Yeah.
Last week. Yes. So what did you do with the box? What did you do with the box?
Do with what box? Don't know what you mean. No, the box with them. Hey, don't know what you mean.
I don't know. That thing. The thing with the voices in what did you do with it? You don't need to worry about what I've done with it.
Why? I should. It didn't seem like a normal thing. It seems to have some tests on it.
It seems to have some tests on it. It seems to have otherworldly Paul. I need to run some tests on it. You've been tests.
What? What would you do with your EV meter? I've got to do a lot of it. You do use your Marvin's magic fucking glab on it.
When you put it in your firework in it, is that what you're going to fucking do? You put it in your Pacman, your Tomy Pacman, we will wobble labyrinth. You see it? It goes on.
The fucking onslaught of verbal word slurry. That pause. What it comes down to is you've done one day. It's aiming desperately week after week.
If you keep talking long enough, you'll find something funny that you're doing now. When you fail. You're doing now. Bing dong, doppel doppel doppel doppel.
I don't ever say bing dong or doppel doppel doppel. Thank you. By the way, you're not going to tell me about the box. The fewer people who know its location, the better.
I think it's a dark harbinger of things to come. That was one of those words you've never seen out loud yet. It is now. You realize it was wrong?
You probably won't keep it in that. Anyway, I've got to keep it in that. Just one other thing. The rash.
Gone now? Or did you have some kind of medication? We covered this in the fucking episode last week. It wasn't funny then.
It was makeup. It was special effects. Oh, okay. That's the one I've got.
I've been ready to stop doing the podcast now. It's really fucking hot. It's very hot in here. What else have we got today?
I might have mentioned the Fager. Go mention the Fager. There's his trinks brand. It's called Fago.
It's called red pop. It's called red pop. It's called fago. It's very much like Vinto.
But without, if it's possible, without even the bite of Vinto. It's sort of a flatter flavor. But still that kind of fruit. You know what Vinto is?
It sounds like a genre of Russian music. Fruit meets vanilla. Red pop. Don't you think that's what I'm listening to you?
I'm not listening to this. I don't want to listen to you talk about Fago. Everyone needs some action of the sort where people talk about drinks in their life. That was a good sentence.
I'm proud of it. Now, what have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Today we have a price of shite. Oh, price.
See, it's it. Nice. See, it's a great big gravity. Pricey.
The shite. Easy if I just let you talk. Because then it's easy for me to cut this shit out of the pocket. Oh, you would have got me out on the announcer.
You're not your answer. You're co-host. No, I'm an announcer for this bit though. We haven't been doing anything.
Price out of the shite. It's not an announcement. We're not doing it yet. All right.
Coming up. Pricey to shite. What else coming up? I don't know.
What do you want to do? Tell us what we're doing on the show? Coming up. Tell us what's the shopping flow?
Tell us what's the shopping flow? My sweaty sweater. The six. Oh, the four.
I'm sure liquid. The four head. The breeze does nothing. I'm pure liquid forehead.
Liquid forehead. No, no, no. You can't stop. What was the thing I did last week that I was very proud of?
Oh yeah. Taking the David Bowie song and making it advertised dog food. Let's buy absolute dogs dinner. It's next absolute dogs dinner.
When you want to give your dog a complete meal. Try absolute dogs dinner. No, the problem with that, on a marketing level. That's well in mind.
My secrets. My secrets. You gotta know. Oh, God, I just got to see you coming back before.
You don't use it by, do you know? Is it Blossom? No, say, no. It's a band that did closing time.
What's the name? Oh, it is. Oh, what are they called? You gotta know.
They called the untouchables. They called the untouchables. Oh, of course. What do you mean?
Closing time. No, but you know, she's got a secret smile. It always makes me think of some kind of V.D. What do you think about my allergic reaction to this?
Well, you just admitted that a song makes you think of Fanny's because of the phrase secret smile. You think you connect to a Fanny? Oh, no, no. It's so vagina-redulant.
It's not. It is. It's something about that lyric. She's got a secret smile.
It's something about you connecting mouths and fannies. You know what it also reminds me of? What? That canister nad when it's the vicar who has the thrush.
What are you talking about? She's got a secret smile. It's what we're working with. It was like, you gotta know this.
She had a grizzly frown. A grizzly frown. Can we just get on the liquid forehead? It's all coming together.
I'm going to fucking have a meltdown here. Let's just grab a few bucks. Keep thinking about the canister nd vicar. You gotta know this.
You've got absolute dogs dinner. That's right. No. I'm going to get back to that because that's what I was going to say.
That's what I was going to say. No. That's looking to do my big breath. You gotta give a little love.
Have a little whole extra world we can do to get food. This is what I was saying. Listen, mate. The problem with your dog food is that dog's dinner has a negative connotation.
Does it? Yeah, it looks like a dog's dinner. You described something ugly or headable. You wouldn't want to market that because people want to treat their dogs.
You can say what about to do to get the whole dog food tie in. It's a novelty single from the mid-80s. Like what? With David Bowie does rap on the other side or something.
We've got to take us on everyone recognises that can be attacked the dog food. Obviously, that's how it works. On the beef side, is this? No, the ain't going to go for the beef side.
No, the ain't going to go for the beef side. You're an absolute dog's dinner. Yeah, but you need to keep the brand up. Otherwise, what else have you got?
I'm an absolute dog's dinner. Sausages to sausages. You need life on box. That's a space.
Roth off. I've got a roll of my... Sorry, at least you're trying. I'm very trying.
Should we crack on then? Yeah. Let's do it. No, you know what?
Here we go. Fuck you're recording. Eat like so. It's not off well.
And then we depressing or sad. You can't really make fun out of it. Cut to Dead Man in Toilet. He's like, oh, let's have a laugh at that.
So, do you know what? One of the best ones is Dead. Was it? Yeah.
Dead Man in a changing room, remember? Yeah, yeah. In a bra and knickers. That's just innocent fun, isn't it?
So, do you want a mucky one? Do you want a dead man? I don't know if I do pull. Do you want a story?
I feel flat and spent. Do you want a story that could turn the stomachs of you and our listeners? Because if you do that, I'm going to put a warning right now. This is going to be quite the gross adventure.
Really? This has been my, this has been my biggest flame. This has been my biggest flame. This has been my pocket at the podcast.
Can you respond to my flame announcement? No, no, no, no, no. This has been the inbox since 2018. Oh, deary me.
I like it. Archival tale. And it's from a guy called Simon who is now in prison. Well, no, he's not.
It's not. I'm just saying. You remember he wasn't going to sex shop. He told us a story he wants about.
The one with the used egg balls. Yeah. I think it's that one. He sent a few more in.
Is this more discharged or? This is, let me just say, let me just say. It's not spaffing it. It's like the title.
You can make your own decision. The title is called the final come to you. So what do you think you might be about? Someone's spanking someone's eyes.
Well, let's find out. Can't I read you a story? Is it tier as in a tier level? It's like frontier, but with the word come to you.
The final come to you. Well, that'd be like suggested tiered system. So perhaps it's like. No, it might suggest a milky tier.
Like a penis. Oh, it's like that. How is it spelt? T-I-E-R.
That's not that. It's like a frontier. It's like that. It's applied on the word frontier.
It could be the final, it's like a computer game. I'm glad it's called the final come to you. Here we go. Remember, he works in a family-owned sex shop or something.
I think they often owned in families. Like other shops. In his shop, he says, they started stocking pocket pussies in 2014. Stocking pocket pussies, you say?
Stocking pocket pussies. It's a stocking filler. I'm looking for a stocking filler. Well, we've got pocket pussies in stock for your stocking filler.
Pocket pussies, stocking filler. This is much better already. Yeah, canister vica. By which time I was already well versed in the nastiness of people who use physical sex shops rather than love honey.
I was, however, not honey. It's a website where you can buy sex toys from. I believe. I was not, however, prepared.
It's eBay for dildos. Oh, it's more for badges. It's no, it's a sex shop for lingerie, sex A. Dildos included videos maybe.
I would include dildos. It's not exclusively dildos. It's dildos. No, no.
Please continue. Oh, can I? Yes. I'm enjoying this one already.
Pocket pussies, stocking fillers. Oh, that's what you're saying. That's what a pocket pussies is. You know what I was saying?
If you listen and stop interrupting with your pocket pussies, pocket pussies, pocket pussies, pocket pussies, it's a cockafness with a pocket pussies, pocket pussies, pocket pussies, pocket pussies, pocket pussies, pocket pussies. Come on. Hot in here. Yeah.
One day we had a parcel arrived. It was beautifully wrapped in brown paper and silver tape. The address written with a silver sharpie in gorgeous cursive writing. Okay.
It was a male to the shop. Yes. Oh. I opened it and saw a nicely wrapped Christmas gift.
I tore off the wrapping and found underneath just a blank box. It felt quite heavy, but I didn't question it. Some regular customers gave us Christmas cards or presents. I was expecting it to be a box of chocolate or a bottle of wine.
It was not. What do you think was in it? This charge balloons. All right.
Well, I'll tell you. Instead, I saw mountains of cum. Mountains, he says, in catlocks. Mountains of cum.
Let me phrase that for you. Mountings of cum. The box was probably half full of cum. The color, iridescent, from some angles, it looked more yellow and from others a pearly white.
Oh. In the center, half covered in the mostly dried cum was the top of a pocket or some jelly jelly. You merged in this. I got it folded already.
Much better. Pocket pussies submerged in dried cum. Oh, god, these podcasts get worse. In the center was half covered in mostly dried cum was the top of the pocket pussies.
Yes. They have quite rubbery tops shaped a lot like a pussie, but with a very flexible opening to allow the penetration into the actual depth of the product. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is really wrong and disturbing.
Yeah. This is the one you wanted. I didn't say... I voted for by Eli Silverman.
You didn't say nasty, psychotic artwork made by a serial wankman. But, mate, can I just say, the story's not over yet. Being a young man with quite a lot of experience with cum, I mean, what kind of sense is that? No, we do.
I guess. I wasn't that put off. I've got quite an experience with shit. Just because I'm a human.
I guess. Unless you drink blood all day, apparently. No one would say... No one said Eli Silverman.
Master of shit, though, do they? Well, some people do. So I wasn't put off. I thought it was actually quite funny.
That was until my older brother came in from the shop floor because it was my turn to go on shift. He saw the box and asked me what was inside. Cheekly, I replied, a Christmas present from a customer. He grinned, used to the typical box of chocolates and whined that we got.
And walked towards me and shoved his hand into the box without really stopping to look or examine it. His fingers sank into the crusted cum revealing the softer gooey layer underneath the crumbs top. The drum glazed the rubbery mound and for a moment it was like the world's slow motion. His eyes moving downwards to examine the unexpected texture.
The shock overtaking his face as he realised he just plunged his hand into what looked like several months' worth of cum and the fear as his thumb explored the pocket pussy. He yanked his hand out and began shaking it violently to try and get most of what was dried off his hand. Sending flakes and chunks all over the staff room. Flakes and chunks?
Because it's hard crust. Oh dear. He also began to scream at me. And after a few moments of shaking his hand, he lunged at me.
I can't say I don't deserve what happened next. But I can say that both of us were far too old to have let it happen. I was in my twenties and he was 30 and my other kid. He grabbed my collar with a clean hand and smeared his tummy handle over my face.
Flossing it into my fingers and my mouth and up my nose. Blah blah blah blah. There's Eli's favourite story that he wanted to be. I still like my favourite story.
I still like my favourite story. I like it. Read it well with my pocket. I've got something to say about that story.
Yeah, but I don't think it's true. Well, I don't think it's true because have you ever seen a loaded cum? I do know what, like a lot, like to feel a box worth. I can safely say this might be the last tells of the shock floor we do.
But I don't think I think that much cum it goes like rubbery. It dries out of the drum. He wasn't very... And I wanted to see some...
I really needed to see some pubes that have been shared into the box as well. Because it's an action. You have to produce the cum. What's he transporting the cum into, you know what I mean?
Well, the physics. The cum physics is what I question. And that's one of the areas I question the reality. And also, putting your hand into a box without really saying what it is.
No, don't worry. Hello. My name is Paul Ganon. Six years ago I started a podcast with my good friend Eli Silverman to enjoy and investigate charity shops and see what you can find.
I thought it would be a reasonably educational, interesting, factual, slightly right comedy podcast about living on a budget and dealing with austerity. Instead, six years later I'm reading out a story about cum. Don't put this on me, you cunt! I don't know anymore.
No, fuck. No, I think I agree. Are we dropping a segment? Is this the end of the segment?
No, we're turning 11 minutes this bit so far. No, I don't mean this particular. I just mean the long-term future of a... Tells from the shop floor.
It just is unrelenting effluvia. That's a word. I knew we crossed the line. We brought up the Crotik Legals and the balls and fortunately raised.
I just don't... What do you think about my claims about the veracity of that story? I was with it. Up until my brother came in to look at him and said to me that all over my face when I'm thinking, I mean, oh, god, it's the idea of the college.
It's not what else is mucky dripping. No, you don't want it. No one sent it to you. It's mounded up.
But it's... Yeah, that's what... Is it like a level? Like liquids find their level, don't they?
Yeah. They find their level and they're flatter now. But he's saying mounds and mounds. It's like it was very unclear pictorially about what it actually meant.
And I want to say Paul, I want to see some pubes in there. I want to see some pubes for the realism of the spanky chaffneys. Chaffney pubes, coily, coily, chaffney, splatter. All I can imagine is that the site they saw must have been like looking inside a box with a goblin covering apple sauce.
Yeah. No, I quite like this. You know, there's some good detail at the beginning of the story. You know, like I buy it.
But something about that story. It's the physics of the spank. I'm not buying it. I think this section.
The physics engine on it. The shark. Yeah. I'm going to do a little improvise song.
Yeah, I'll do an improvise and improvise. Salt report. I don't have any sauce in it. What's the fox going on with this show?
I was going to do the chaffney sparrow song. No, you know what? We can all do without you singing an improvising song. That will mostly be disconnected vowels and consonants.
I would like to do the chaffney sparrow song. You've got ten seconds. Oh, and I'll go up the road. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, chaffney sparrow.
Chaffney chaffney. Chaffney chaffney. Chaffney chaffney. Chaffney.
Leaping fun. Beep, beep, beep. Chaffney sparrows here. Leaping the railroad.
Chaffney sparrows here. He sees Paul. He's all sad. Chaffney sparrows.
Hello. Paul again. Sometimes when you put a podcast together you'd like to see Paul. He sees Paul.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no. That's cheap show over with this week. Wait, no, it's not.
We've got to have a whole segment of them. Let's go to the sound effect and have a well-deserved breaking wound mid recording reassessment of our lives and work. Thank you. It's the fucking price of shite.
Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. No, that's wrong.
Wait, if you're not going to roll with it, what's the point? If you get out, I just get out. And it was some swing. Get out.
Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It was some swing. Here we go. Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah. The whole thing, then. And I'll go. I'll go.
It's price of the shicers. It's the price of shicers. It's the price of shicers. I'm price of the shicers.
And I say all the seeds are for twins. And I come into the port. Price of the shicers. Hello, price of.
Hello, Eli. In future episodes of Cheap Show, the role of Eli Silberman will be played by a box full kill. Do I get a lav egg in there? No.
A lav, a ten-gar egg. We have a box, a bag, sent to us in the post of G-Pete and a price of shite from a chap called price of the shicers. Peter. Thank you, Peter.
Now Peter sent a lovely selection of biscuits. They were jammy dodges, but basically they were a Scottish brand that did the centre as an iron brew flavour. It was like an iron brew centre. How about you ate them?
No, my girlfriend ate them. Oh, this is great. How many of them? I said this to her.
I didn't know you'd be using them. Of course we'd be using them. I said to her. What did she give you any indication of what they tasted like?
She said they were all right. She said they were all right. Yeah, all of them. They were all right.
Nothing special. She said they were all right. I wanted to know how tangy they're fucking. I couldn't tell you.
I mean, how much the iron brew. Nothing from her. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
So what's his name again? Peter D'Shyerson. No, just Peter. Peter's not saying D'Shyerson.
That's funny. But it's patently not. Anyway, he sent a load of stuff. D'Shyerson.
He sent a load of stuff. But today we're going to be concentrating just on the price of Chai. Price out of Chai! He says, I'll stop by saying I can't believe how expensive Chai Shops are down south.
And it's true, isn't it? Do you ever leave the bargains I got in Cambridge? And that's not that far north of here in the big scheme of things. Is it pretty expensive in Cambridge as well?
No, it's not as expensive. But you come to a little church. No, you can't just outside the M25 I think it goes. It's pretty expensive, I suppose, in the London area.
Sometimes you can still get a bargain for things. You can actually get a package. You can actually get a package. They give you the price verbally.
They talk with them. They love it. It's why I'm always suspicious of buying something from that particular church. It hasn't got a price sticker on.
It's a pack of cards and they go... Too good? No! No!
No, it's... I love them there. We've got some good stuff in there. I've got some good stuff in there.
My guess is for price of the strikes frequently fell short of the mark. But maybe I've been spoiled by the North charity shops around me. You have to miss the discharge. I think that's fair.
It must be very hard for people outside of London to correct the prices. The prices are the prices because of the discrepancy in value. The value is the same. It's the price of the church.
Come on mate. That's true. Then he's setting big cap locks. Can I be aware?
I'd like to be. The prices on some of the items are not accurate. They are stick it over and less stick it over. They're stick it over.