I'm gonna be fine. High energy, it's not sweaty. It's fine. What are you so pleased about?
Why are you so giggly giggly? I'm not giggly, I don't like you. This sort of beats at the start of an episode. Just to have a little list of things that I wanna bring up later in the show.
It just means I have harder to work to ground you down over the course of the next episode. Grind me down. Yes. We should grind me up.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. All right, what does it say, something before you? Yeah, go on. I think it's only right.
I say happy week time to all the cheap show, listenies, happy daytime, week time, listenies. And hello, I mean, I silverman, for your ears. Is this going well? I mean, this is clap trap of the highest caliber.
That's what you come here for. No, it's not. I'd like to pretend to do a really genuinely good professional podcast that one day might be held aloft by the scholars of the future. They're looking to get the poollets of the winky.
Aren't you basically? I wanna get the poollets. A pool looking for the winky. No, hello, how are you?
Economy, comedy, podcast, welcoming, get comfy. Are you ready? Shall we begin? Let's begin.
Let's begin. I hate you and your fucking noodle posy. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn the fucking expect.
Chee Show. Up, right, up, up, up, up, cheap show. It's the price of shine. Be like silver, the cheap show.
And a girl and a nuzzle. It's cheap show time. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Lifestyles of the Filthy and Grotty.
I'm your host Paul Ganon and I've got my UV light. So I'm going to shine it round here. I'm going to have a house of lemon eggs. Right, what's the only smoth upon the pillow?
It's no smoth. I think it's a myth. It's no smoth, man. I see speckles.
The UV light shows me speckles. This is speckles of love. Speckles? Speckles?
They're christmiting this and you're getting into the realm of some characters who no longer exist. Oh, actually, I see many speckles with my UV light. Should I check the house of pickles, boys and girls? Should I go right now and check the house of pickles?
What, I ejaculate. Is that going to be like some kind of big surprise? It's a scandal. If I cast it a moral bedroom.
It's a healthy male who ejaculates. Yeah, the problem is... What a bombshell. That's the word.
Interesting thing though is, yes, every man does ejaculate, but maybe not so willy nilly. So I want to go to your room and scan it. Why are you doing a joke at town? I want to check it.
I want to check it. I want to see your room. I want to see your room look like. What are you doing?
I'm asking Pink Eye in North Korea or something. You're scared of what would happen if I were walking to the bedroom. Are you really pissing me off with this? You're just frightened of the truth.
I come back. The truth of what? I spank everywhere. It's no surprise to anyone.
Big surprise. Eli Silverman spanks off. Read all about it. Yeah, read all about it, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, I can't. Listen, I want to start this show with something I think is quite nice. Oh, yeah, this is good, actually. It's good.
No, before we even get there. Oh, you've got... I was surprised it's the middle. After last week, I took some time to reflect and to come to terms of certain decisions that I've made.
And I thought, making you talk sexy and then not giving you per-twings and then denying you the shopping trolley was cruel and a little bit beyond the pale. So I would like to say, sorry. So here is the trolley for you. And it is a little extra gift just for you.
I thought, I looked at this gift and I thought, I have to get it to you. I found this in a pology present. This is an apology present. The trolley.
And what is this? Big pencils for small hands. It's from the fucking works. You've got to receive.
You fucking... Have it back. No. You've tainted it.
You could use it for drawings, can't you? It's actual pencils. It's like it's made of you in colour. And pencils and a sharpener.
And a tube. You get little chubby pencils. Yeah, but they all colour. Alright, thanks.
Just for you. Perfect, aren't they? Just for my small hands. Just for your chubby little chip-alartis.
Just for your... My chorice. My fingers. Jeremy Beadle.
Listen, about the sprinkles or whatever. The flesh light. No, it's not flesh light. It's a UV light.
It's a UV light. Yeah, black light. Right. That doesn't show up.
It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.
It's not. It's a UV light. Yeah. Black light.
Don't pretend. Don't pretend. Do you remember what he said? No, just from my jeans.
You never had to clean your jeans. Why? Because they're self clean. They're not sniffing your jeans.
They're not sniffing your jeans. They're not... They're not. They're not.
They're not. They're not. Their natural oil. I think it's key to the musicians with washing your hair.
If you don't use product in your hair, it's self clean. Does it? I don't know. I don't know.
It's Tottybolix. It's Tottybolix. Anyway, you've got a trolley as well. I'll go on the shelf in the other room.
That's my apology. Yeah, take a moment. It was like as though or safe way or retro thing like the rest of the thing, not the M&S because they're sucked anyway. Talking to the mic because you know, the lovely listeners would like to hear and I'm tired of editing your muffles.
One thing I will say about M&S Paul, they're ready meals. Very tasteless in my opinion. That's just a bit of a con and a bit of that. So here's your little thing though.
Chris, we got some crisps in here Paul that you will not have tasted before. Can we get to that later or another episode or I don't care? I'll just get them out at some point. Yeah, yeah.
A bonus opinion. Bonus crisp moment. I'm coming up with bonus. What is coming to a bonus crisp moment?
Right. That was a lovely thing, but now is another lovely thing. Well, someone, uh, Graham Casey, who appeared on our show a year or so ago, maybe two years now with COVID, Jesus fucking Christ. The missing year.
Yeah, Graham Casey, we used to do a sketch over them years and years ago. He sent us a thing on Facebook. It was a Facebook marketplace advert and it simply said, speedboat for sale brackets unwanted game show gift. And instantly he thought, well, what can what the game show could it be?
I only really put it together when I saw the photograph of Bullseye there, Jim Bowen standing by a boat that looks very similar. So I looked at it and thought, well, hang on, how can you prove? What's the providence? How can you prove it's that but?
Yeah, does it say no? I know exactly. So anyone could say I was on bullseye in the 80s and it is me boat. You can't prove it.
Jim Bowen could stand on the bow of that boat and be on bow and on bow. Oh, I'm moving on from that right now. So I decided to look at the advert after initially going, huh, funny, funny, what else is there? Yes.
And then I read the description from the cell information of Simon. And it was one, when I read this that I thought, oh, I mentioned it on the show. So he says, if you don't live on a council estate in the middle of some grey downtrodden medway town with limited access to Lake Windomia, the North at Broad or the Isle of Silly, then this is surely a must. I'm selling my speedboat, which I won on bullseye in 1987.
OK, honestly, I would much of preferred the Vista semi-trans Mark 2 motor home with two ring burner and sheltered housing based, heart and furnishings. I would like that. I would have preferred the mobile house as well, every other kitchen or the fitted living room or box of money. Oh, tell me.
Tell me, tell me, it's a top prize. It's usually maybe Bully special, but never the winning gamble prize. So anyway, says never been used as they neglected to advise me on licenses and fees for owning a boat and even giving me a boat trailer. I wasn't too big.
Go just there's the fucking boat. Yeah, you sort it out. Or they delivered it on his driveway and it was like, yeah, now what? So he goes on to say I also wasn't too keen on Jim Bowen and his warm northern humour and he stunk of inside out whoopee cushion dipped in a tin of winnalotis.
Whoa. Anyway, free to any body, aviation enthusiast, aviation. That's what I'm wrong. Yeah.
And then you see the boat and it looks like shit. It looks like it's been left on the side of the road for 20 years. And it doesn't have it has a detail. There's a white strike down the hood.
Is that you call it the hood of a boat? Maybe the front. The bow in the bow in the bow. Where Bowen stands on the bow in the bow in the bow in the bow in the bow.
Bowen's bow. It's absolutely a dog's in the window. Nice. Nice.
It's all coming round. Who, your winner, look at Proges. With David and Jim Bowen on. He absolutely dogs didn't have the dog.
You know it could be a dog based game show. It could be. Name sniff that dog. Yeah.
That's a bloodhound. Terrier. Oh, Yorkie. A Yorkie.
That's a chocolate body. Oh, that's... No, it is asshole. Oh, God.
Oh. But luckily what turns me on is Dalmatian. Yeah. What?
Yeah, I'm the Dalmatian's cloud. And I'm fucking... I know it. Oh, I'm coming a bit just thinking about it.
I can fucking put my finger on it. I'm drawing a snail trail saying, fuck me and me pants with me. And that was the worst episode of you've ever. I can't believe I said that.
Anyway, so yeah. A 18 quid. Yeah. But I guess you've got to get it yourself and look it.
It doesn't look... Do you see the white stripe down the front? It doesn't look like the same boat at all. No.
That picture that he put on is just to kind of show a bullseye boat and bullseye in Jim Bowen. I don't think he's saying that's the one he won. I see. I guess someone could look up Simon and in 87 on Challenge TV and on YouTube.
And also, why would you want it? It's like you've got no certification and he's just admitted. Yeah. It's nothing.
It's just a broken old boat. But he's also probably had it in his front garden for 30 years. So you believe it's from that little blurb you'd say. I believe him.
I just thought it was cute to read out. He said Jim Bowen's not bad. I mean, isn't he a personal hero? I think he's not a personal hero.
But I also think... Well, yeah, bad guy. Just looking at Jim Bowen and he does look like... I guess they wrote a bit of harvester.
Got that kind of smolt on him. Old food. Nanny's Christmas. Yeah, old turkey.
Yeah. Watery gravy and old turkey fat. He smells like a jip pan in a caravan. Yeah.
It's that kind of smell in a holiday home. But we should make this permanent segment. Imagine what Jim Bowen smells like. He smells like...
He smells like a grave now. Probably dust. He's like, oh, yeah, he's like, I've crossed through three Brentos and rotting flesh. Flebentos.
Yeah. Second album, et cetera. Yeah, yeah. I would like to go see a band called Flesh Bentos.
We are Flesh Bentos. They would be metal, wouldn't they? It's fuck. No, but they'd start with a little bit of folk.
I'm not even going to say... Loud and quiet. Now, I like it. Paul.
We are three Bentos. He's not even a name. Flesh Bentos. I forgot the name of your own fucking group.
Absolute dogs did it. Oh, that's coming in, that's it. Right, do your little bit. I'm not going to say it's fucking metal.
I'm not going to say it's a name of your own fucking group. Absolute dogs did it. Oh, that's coming in, that's it. Right, do your little bit.
I'm not doing a bit. I'm asking you. I'm not here. No, I'm not here.
No, I'm asking you. Yeah. As is our custom and our little way. What's coming up on the show today, Paul?
Well, coming up on the show today, we're going to do a Paul's page turners and a platter. Silverman's platters. We're going to do a silverman's platter. I've been noticing this.
You know? Every little thing is shaving off a little mention of it. You know what I'm mentioning? Shaving off a little mention of it.
Slowly accruing. It's just being you and me and no one even knows who I am. I just think, who's that annoying, in-pitch guy with tiny fingers? Tiny finger Eli.
The smell monster. Who I am? Who I am? Pumple stinkskin.
Right. Yeah. What is coming up on the show? Well, I'm floundering here.
Well, pumple stinkskin. I'll tell you what's coming up on the show. I told you. I just told you.
We're doing, oh, yeah, of course. Sorry. The problem is, I've been doing this so long, Paul, that when you say things that just things we've done before, I just... Maybe black out.
That's what I do as well when I'm talking. Talking without thinking on cheap show, downloading program. I'll go to this list if you're not careful. Just do it anyway.
And then get your crisps out and then that's the segment. No, I'll save the crisps for half way. Oh, thrilling. There's crisps, everybody.
We'll just do a quick taste of the cheap eats in maybe about 20 minutes. Okay. After we have a shot up, ket on. On my list!
One, Finch. Two, Lee. That's a coincidence. It smells finchly across the first two.
Or is it? No, because one is the bird. Psychologically, you might have been... And the second is Lee, the river, Lee.
It's a river here in North London. Right. So I'm still guessing you could have... Farrington.
Right. Four. Five. Tease, Paul.
Tease, T-E-A-S-E. Or T-E-A-S. So cup of tease. Cup of tease, but it doesn't say that.
Well, let's see. You've been milked a lot of humor out of my list. We asked 100 people. One, name a type of bird.
You said Finch. Or say they said... 16. No, I'll top answer, but well done.
Number two, we asked. Name of river. In London, you said. River Lee.
Or say they said... It is in fucking London. Thames was our top answer though. We asked 100 people.
Well, Lee got something. Yeah, well, no one said Lee. Out of 100 people. Fucking hell.
I'm a man who once got arrested for perjury. You said Lord Barrington. Or say they said... Top answer, 52.
Number four. This is it. How much do I have to get then? Come on, you're a shit man.
You've got to get 47 more points. It's got to be the top answer for this. So, question four. Name something you drink at five o'clock in Britain.
Yeah, tease. But you said that to number four. Sorry. Name something you can do with your nose and your arms.
You said smell reach. Or say they says... Oh, 12. That means you've got to get 35.
35. Look, he did a bit. He did a bit of maths there. He's entered.
Final question. Number five. We had to do the content of the game show. No, we proved that completely wrong.
We finally asked. Name a hot drink. You said tease. Oh, sir.
They said... Top answer. 14 points. Coffee was the top answer with 25.
Oh. So, you're one short. Eli. Oh.
Give me your penis. You've lost the game. What was the top prize about? It wasn't.
It wasn't the top prize. It was this trolley. Right. Come on.
Sound effect. Since I saved that fucking awful segment of yours. Hello. What segment is this?
I would like you to come over here. Over here. Over here. Over there.
Bounding me hard. Sorry. What's wrong with you today with that? It's always the same.
Especially considering what we're about to talk about. It might seem like pop kettle black situation. Obviously, it is not Paul. I'm just saying.
You're not allowed to do any more in both segments. You give me midget pencils. Just chunky pens for small hands. It says for children.
No. Small hands. It means children. Tiny Germans.
Tiny Germans. Infantilize me. Longer I don't. Looked in you in any kind of ghost.
That's awful. It's now time for pop up up up up up. Paul's pop up up page turners. And that is the segment of the show where we look at literature.
Yes. Books. About books. Magazine.
Sometimes magazines. Panflots. Brochures. Books.
Portion cookies. Magazines. Other set magazines. Sign writing.
Dictionary's. Internet. And finally. Do you ever read phones?
Poetry. Plays. Scripts. You're just doing a thing.
Things I can read. No. Albums. Tattoos.
Listen. Listen to audio books. You know what? This packaging is not for children.
It's not for small hands. Shut up. Oh, I must be like trying to open something up with. I don't know.
Just a handful of thumbs. Oh, he's opened it up. Ah, look at him. He's very hot.
Is it very sticky? No, it's not constant. Focus. I've got liquid forehead again.
Look at those big chunky pencil colors. Oh, big in your hand. Oh, well done. You're a big boy today.
He's a good one. Weird. Right. That has a sharpener in it.
It's a nice little thing Paul. Was it from the works? No. I was a very ineffective.
Okay. Your problem now. Oh, right. So we were sent this in the P.O.
box a few weeks ago and I've sadly forgotten the name attached. So first of all, I apologize. But based on the book, maybe you don't want to be associated with this at all because I look through this and it's shocked and appalled me. Did it arrive just by itself or was it with other items?
It was with other items. So it's likely that would be a mention. I'd probably make it off to keep track of the person's name with those other items. Yeah.
But as I say, maybe they don't want to know once I reveal that today we are looking at the F.H.M. Little Book of Bloke. What more does a man need? Now, I never used to read F.H.M.
No, even a die. Was it like a tits on the cover sort of? It was like loaded. It was all that kind of load.
What was that? What would you call those? Did they even exist anymore? No, not really.
I don't believe that. Why? Because did the law change? Was it the Page 3 thing?
Because with some used to have bare breasts on Page 3. Yeah. And it was a national newspaper. Yeah.
And then I don't know if it was a law, but they were forced to stop in some way. It's more like the fact that you're on the 90s when these magazines were huge. There was lab culture and it even extended to women because you had the ladette culture and stuff like that. What did that mean?
It just meant they could behave like all the worst aspects of boys. It was some kind of weird quality at the time. Yeah. That's what I'm driving at.
Isn't it strange that they sort of, like, this sort of masculine, this worship of the worst aspects of masculinity, what you'd call toxic masculinity now. But it's blow culture back then. Yeah. That was fashionable.
Even for women to act like that. Because that was the only way men respects women could have a voice in pop culture and the media. That's fucked up. Yeah.
But it was all years time. Because I mean, look at the shows that were out around then as well. So you obviously had the word and that wasn't blokey so much but it leered towards it at times because you know, some of the guests they had. But at that time as well, there were other currents in culture weren't they?
It wasn't utterly dominant the whole net culture. No. But there was things like the rave thing and that was much more egalitarian between the sexes and sort of a bit asexual in a way, wasn't it? A little bit.
Do you know what I mean? We're looking at the back end of like Britpop. We're looking at, you know, it's very landing, wasn't it? We're looking at, or it wasn't like the case of Awaises.
But most of the cases, they're all art students who did badminton, like Swain, Blaire, or artsy kids. Oh no. And also with sort of, and androgyny sort of, uh, representation as well. But like even Blaire did lean into the blokehass bit like boys and girls.
Yes. But they were sort of, they would have, they sort of framed it as sort of writing in a way that the kinks did. From the, from the perspective of the particular character that they, yeah. You said to me, going past all that, you had like TV shows like NEM Behaving Badly, which was, you know, the Blokey sitcom.
Yes. You also had like even Skin and Rodeals, uh, fantasy football was Blokey. Was Blokey. I mean, again, not as Blokey and Laddie as it could have been, but like Chris Evans was a big front runner all that.
I was just about to say the big breakfast was that Laddie. No, but like, don't forget you two portion TFI Friday, definitely lent into that. What about that thing with Samantha Janison? Game on.
That was a bit Laddie, wasn't it? I don't really. The whole basis is like they're like single men and then it really hot. And that's the sort of tension.
Which one doesn't bust an auto first? Yeah, exactly. Do you know what I mean? And it's the whole sort of construction around the gender roles and the sexes that is sort of what you wouldn't get now.
No, because that's what I'm saying. These magazines died out for two reasons. One, that culture slowly went away the closer you got to the millennium. And the second thing is the popularity of the internet made magazines like FHM and loaded pointless.
Because this was a lifestyle magazine. Wasn't that? There were men's lifestyle magazines, but the tone was, what? You know what I mean?
Even though back in the day this wasn't for me, I was probably a bit too young for it. I still would glance at it and go, I don't recognise these men. I don't want to be part of that culture. Well, if you think about it, it kind of hung around, isn't it?
Isn't it weird how, that always happens with decades. The 60s didn't really end in terms of the culture until like 73 or so. The 80s didn't start until 83 or 4. Because it was still the 70s.
And similarly with the turn of the century. It was really like the 90s in the early 2000s. But a little bit. Yeah, it still had that.
It was really 2004. But I'm guessing this is like distilled articles from the past few years boiled into one. So it's coming to an end. They're sort of regurgitating stuff.
Let me just read what Daniel Davis, editor-in-chief says at the beginning of this book, right? Men, we face a crisis. 2003. What fucking crisis?
We are being ridiculed everywhere from the pages of women's mags to lady bias TV adverts. 2003 this shit's been set. But who has filled the world with beautiful objects like the Golden Gate Bridge and the Voner 2nd album and the Lamborghini Diablo, who digs up the road to bring a digital cable? Men, that too.
Which is why FHM has produced a celebration of blokeness, from the ability to manipulate free dimensional objects in space, to being the sex that dreams up a school for wheelies. School for wheelies. So be proud of your white chroma's home as you slap a radiation alert sticker onto the monitor of a annoying colleague. And with my intimate knowledge of the content of this book, let me give you the personal guarantee that what follows is 100% pure bollocks.
I thank you. That's a shit. The premise of this is like men are being attacked. Oh, we can't be men anymore.
You can't say that anymore. What actually being said is your journalism style is dying out because it's proving to be archaic and real and impressive. So this book is a weird mix. It's an extra of random articles about sports and fighting and things like that.
Things to expect. Then there are things like things that shot me where it's like men. Do you know this? And I'm like, if you don't know this by now, there's a real fucking problem.
And then there's sex stuff. Lots of sex stuff. Right. So all that stuff.
And stuff you think I mentioned, no. I'm going through this and I've pulled out a few special pages. One, shave your ass. Chest her.
Chin snowball. All part of being a man. But an evil curly arse here. No, it must be destroyed.
And then it goes through the ways you can shave your ass by. Oh, let's see. I'll let you read it out. First thing to do, of course, is to get quite literally butt naked.
In a shower. Yeah. Okay. Then fill your bowl with warm water.
Right. So all your shaving. I don't need to. Oh, you see the point.
I was shaving his cheeks. I thought he was going to go in and try and sort of get the ring. No. You should never attack that area without professional assistance.
No, you shouldn't. I'm just going to show you what I'm going to say. I'm going to go in and do my delicate button. It's could get quite sore.
I honestly think the only reason they put this article in is so they could write the words. It's a matter of squatting in the shower shaving his ass. Sugaring. No, this isn't info here.
Hang on. What's sugaring? This technique has been used for centuries in the Middle East, time with the highest concentration of werewolf women. Oh great.
You see what I mean? Oh, great. I just thought as soon as it's Middle East there's going to be something fucking racist that comes within two words. It's all understandable.
You can't write something without comparing it into a drug Yeah, little FHM. Then the next article of No Book of Bloke. Shag of the Month. Look how they start this.
When she owes you a favour, forget about missionary, here are six positions that do everything for you and nothing for her. And then there are six, six, six positions that are designed to basically, you know, it's like, well, what are they? What could it possibly be? The hoist.
Take the sort of thick sash you get with the luxury bathrobe, fold it in half, not the end and loop it under a hips, then hold on tight and lift it as you do it, Augie style. Yes, it will leave your arms aching, but the extra deep penetration compensates for the bum. I remember what I was going to say now. Yeah.
Do you think people used this for a little tug on Tommy Tiga? Yes, because there's all sorts in the world and some fucking others. That's enough to get some guy off, probably thinking about that. The wallflower, the back.
Because it wasn't the internet, it came in in 96, wasn't that the end of any kind of porn, difficulty obtaining porn ended on that date, didn't it? What when the internet began? Yeah, well, porn became an all-access kind of open source thing. 2003.
Oh, yeah. So who would be for little boys? It's for a culture of men who were still tied into for one of better phrase analogue thoughts. So they're the people who enjoyed men behaving badly or ironically, they potentially like sports, they drink a lot and they like fighting and boxing.
You know what I mean? It's like there's an audience that they write these magazines for that I might not associate with but they're there and they don't care because they think like this anyway. The journalism reflects to some extent. What's another position?
The cave of the lights, simple but also effective. She takes a cup of warm but never hot drink or something with icing or something fizzy, champagne, diet coke. Hold it in her mouth, then gobbles you off. If you're really in it good books, perhaps you saved a small puppy from drowning to alternate from one beverage to the other.
No, she won't. No woman is going to have a line of coffee, colour, champagne, tea, still water, fizzy water. You want to meet her? You want to finish?
Me, make the bath finish. You want your dick to smell like a winnalot. Come on, you've knicked winnalot. Off that guy you did.
I'm having the spinner. Like the backflips, you know how girls style. Slowly twist, 360. All impaled on your diamond cutter.
No, it's not sexy. It doesn't work. No one gets anything out of that 360 spin. No, it's just...
Can you imagine how awkward that is? It's like, oh, sorry. Yeah, it's just... She owes you one.
She owes you a painful one. You've done something before, like, whatever. Take the pins out and now she's going to give you a... Get to cobble some pothril and gob you off.
They're literally no job for a woman. They can't throw knives. They can't be a yordid fight. They can't do rally driving.
They can't do a well-done. They say, ignore flash dance. No, I'm not! Ignore flash dance.
I like flash dance. Here's a woman who tried to do this and she didn't do it. It's a fucking hate it. Anything else?
Tales from the door. Tales from the door. I'm going to do one of those this week. I'm going to sit for next week and realise I'm going to thank you.