You're lucky we're doing this with Stuart today. Why, because you're lamping me. No, is this a threat of violence? Because Stuart's here.
No, I would just be playing up something rotten. Oh, he's on his good behavior. He's on his good behavior. Well, then, at this point, it's worth mentioning that...
Oh, yeah. Don't put it on the table. Off! Yeah, but the banging is over.
The banging is over. Anyway, fine. You've reclaimed it off. If you'd watched one episode of a TV show, we'll sing this chair, you wouldn't be getting up for the rest of the afternoon.
No, this is a coccyx killer. It's one of these things that... If you could sell it to the bad angle, you'd never get it. It's too comfortable.
Hello, everybody. It's Cheapshow. And we have a very special episode for you. Don't we, Mr.
Silverman? I've been really... That's it, really. That's it.
That's how we're going to do this. I'm sorry, if you're too inclined. Start again. Start again.
How do you want me to start? Just like that. But don't do this whole rhetorical question, asking you, don't we? Like, I'm kind of child.
I'm not your child. Yeah? Hang on, I thought that was a donam. I'm not even going to be...
Don't... Listen, both. I can't... You're in between us both, did I?
I'm like an Eli sandwich filling. So... Yeah, you're an eggy meat filling of a Stuart and Ganon sandwich. Do you mean like a Chewb egg that goes down one of those pies?
Jubilee pies? Are they called? A Chewb egg? Yeah, they're really...
But they get a load of eggs. And it's just sort of a long... It's a long Chewb egg. Yeah.
Why would... You know, you have to make counter in a supermarket, say, Sainsbury's. They were out of supermarkets, obviously. And you can see...
We could just talk about that. Alright, Sainsbury's then. Right, and you slice it. It's like a meat pie.
It's got egg going down the middle. Okay. Do you know what I'm talking about, Paul? Do you think that's only one of those long eggs, Paul?
I was like... You have to get them under the counter, guys. I really want a long egg. Give me a long Chewb egg, mate.
I got the Chewb eggs. The good stuff. We only do it canned. Oh, we only have canned egg.
Canned egg? Yeah. That was canned, he eats first name, and then... The record executives said to them, mate, eggs don't go down well with the hippies.
So what do hippies go down with? Heat. Yeah. They don't go down.
Well, they don't clean their muffs, Paul. I was going to be honest with you right now. Sweaty. I was going to be sweating muffs.
A lot of odour. No odour, no sippy muffs. Original hippies. Original homeless...
I'm going to have to walk the way you went off the road. Original... Original hippie. Original hippie muff didn't have enough.
I'll take your word for that. That's the worst catchphrase I've ever seen. Right, welcome to Chewb show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.
People love noodles. Is it a fact of Chewb show you're going to have to learn the fucking accent? Chewb show. Up round round round round round round round round round.
Chewb show. It's a price of shine. Be like Silverman. Welcome to Chewb show.
And a girl and a nuzzle. Yes, it is Chewb show. I'm Paul Gannon. It's the economy comedy podcast.
I'm with Eli Silverman. Hello there. Yes, nice to see you again. And would you like to introduce our guests for this week?
We have returning. Returning. Fries time. Stuart Ashton, everybody.
I think he's been on it more than Fries. Four times? How he even goes after that. Like a Chewb egg going through our whole podcast.
Finally. He's a red. I've tied it up now. I've tied the Chewb egg metaphor up.
No, you just called our guest a row of eggs. It's not a row, it's a tube. I think it called a person the only basis. So if you could pack him into a tube, could you make just one long...
One long egg. One long egg. What did I say, a pole of tube? I'm there, sir.
Alright, we'll move on. A pole of tube. I want to see a pole of tube. I think he presented a crystal base.
I was going to go for that. I was going to go for that. Well done. Over the sword.
Over the hill with the sword to a fair space. How are you doing, mate? I'm alright, cheers. I'm tired.
Everyone's bloody tired today. What is it? Is it something in the air? Yes, it is love.
Love is in the air. And it's making us all weak. Mmm. Yeah.
What a bong. You do this well. Why is it? You're like a child.
You buy a shiny thing and then you just go, look what I've got. I've got a shiny thing. What else is there in this world? Everyone's buying your mime in this romance.
I'm in a do to enjoy my adult life. Buying things. That's the only option. It gives me.
It's like smoking into a bloody. It is something worth sharing. Listen, listen. What's up, buddy?
Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Listen, listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.
This is a recent trend. By the way. He's at 17 minutes ahead of every one of us. And he's just laughing at his own random shit.
I wasn't. I was laughing for no reason. Must be all the dope I smoke. Anyway, God.
The cannabis has been rehabilitated as a therapeutic element in our world. Has it? Has it? It's a rainbow bomb.
It's a very pretty bomb. It is. And I thought the price was good? You know, I'm looking on Amazon.
How much? I'm gouging. Bongs. I'm price gouging.
There used to be an off-line. We were at the E-light talk for the past. Which is now called Drink As Paradise, which is problematic. But it used to be called Bongs.
Anyway, we're here for a special reason. The reason we decided to come all the way to all Norwich, because I've read it when I come home. Oh, yes, we wanted to ask you about that shit. No, you haven't taken it off for anyone.
That was a really good thing. You heard of that. Oh, yeah. He didn't believe me.
I need to take the off. No, no, that is totally a thing. Why could you have to spell knickers with an N? Yeah.
I mean, you have to take that off. The knickers. Well, it is a silent K, isn't it? Yeah.
Yes. No one says knickers. Can it be ejected? My bar.
I don't have a sign. No pronouncing a silent K's in here. You can have Kineki. And that's it.
Yeah. Can I ride it? No. No.
Anyone who does it in any way is out. If the word is spelt with a silent K, you're fundamentally against it. Pronouncing of it. Yes.
So if I say Kineki. I would say you must leave my establishment. always had two pints of mild. A fancy a good obelkonosh, could I?
Do you know what I found out recently? Yeah. Blue in my mind. I would already be boring.
I'm going to tell you anyway. Go for it. Until relatively recently, like a few hundred years ago, in the word sword, you pronounce the W. Yes.
Sward. That just dropped off over time. Yeah, apparently so. Oh, it was privatised.
Oh, no, there's a technical description for what happens when things become silent. Yeah. Do you want to tell us what that is? I can't remember.
Thanks for bringing that up. Very much like this. Like the W in Sward. It's fallen from a use in my own brain.
Could you say Swallow? Yeah. No, no. Just making you think.
Do you think the rich took the ball and they're just hoarding all these sounds for their own use? All these confidence and vowels sounds with a van. A van? Yeah.
A van. They're in a van. It's an Amazon van. You're a Jeff Bezos, he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
See all that? Nobody else's got anything else to get there. I do actually watch a video about it. Spare in English and why it's so strange.
It's a little bit of U. It's a little bit of U. H's and all of that sort of thing. And that's because of the invention of the printing press, sort of concrete it.
I know anything like Selwyn. I know my education comes from YouTube solely. And then I repeat it, and all of you are the people who don't correct me later. Quite the balance of myself.
This is, I'm not dropping the Pac-Man ghost thing. Oh no. I'd like you to. All listeners of Cheap Show, both of you, if you're still there.
Right. The reason why we're not here today for a very special reason is that today we close the book on Derek. That was weird. That was very old.
Exactly the same length. So in the past we have tackled Derek before. And the next thing is, is that, let me get my notes. I've made notes for this episode.
The listeners who haven't been with us for a very long, Derek was a person who recorded some stories for his family nephews. Is that right? I mean, just family in general. He tried to also flog him to newspapers and then he was trying to get anywhere.
I didn't get anywhere. I shouldn't read as digest mental stories section. They would have gone in sanity, the best medicine. And he sent us, well, initially it was the Brookside Tiger, which came from the first tape we received.
I've heard a disturbing story with a lot of extreme Freudian sexual undertones going on. There's an intro. First of all, all of these stories come from Tom who has a channel called, channel 84 on YouTube. Derek is his uncle.
Yeah. He's some kind of uncle adjacent family. He's got all these facts about it. And we just have the facts and then Paul.
All right. Well, here we go. One of his status vis a vis uncle status. So I asked Tom if there were any bits of audio left because the audio that we've had in the past.
Can we please? Can we just clear this up? Is he a step uncle? What's his relation?
He was on my father's side, one of six brothers. So what did you do? And uncle. Yeah.
What's his step uncle business? Official uncle's data certified. Certified. He is the man from uncle.
Yes. So Tom sent us with the Brookside Tiger a while ago and it moved us in ways we didn't expect. Interesting side note to that story that Tom's talking about since. The story's about effectively what happens when you give a Tiger V aggro.
No wrong. You are absolutely wrong. The Tiger didn't have the very. The Tiger just saw the man's knob who had the vehicle and had a heart attack.
Can you not have basic details? No. No, I can't. This is an established fact.
Right. Do you want me to summarize the Brookside Tiger? Go for it. Tiger escapes.
Goes to a place where Derek lives. Brookside where the Brooks from the TV show. Not the Brooksside from TV show. Just a place called Brookside.
Not the place where the... Not the scales called the SAC. No. Okay.
Tiger happens to walk past Derek's mate house when Derek's mate is experimenting with Viagra. Too much Viagra as it turns out. The Tiger views mate's huge, distended Viagra affected erection. Just as he's having a heart attack.
He's having a heart attack. Female Tiger has heart attack. The Tiger is helped back into a veterinary hospital of some sort. No, I think they're having a huge heart attack after witnessing.
Just witnessing Viagra. Was it just horribly traumatized by a finger? I think it's horrible. It had to have heart problems.
No. The interesting postscript to this is that after he did that story he decided to send the recording to Pfizer himself hoping that they would for some reason want to publish it or use it in some respect. And as you can imagine he didn't hear back from Pfizer. This is a story about how our drug gives people heart attacks.
It affects animals as well around you witness it. It's like hello Pfizer. I think you'll be interested in my story about your product and its effects on the vulnerable kingdom because it's not going to work. It's not going to work.
So I hear it's not going to work. There was a lot of people in some way maybe subconsciously fancy tigers or associated femininity with big large cats. No, I just think he's a cat forties. Too many times.
Yeah. Most of them. I genuinely just think he thought it was fully to scare a tiger with a big cock. I think that's it.
It wasn't wrong. He wasn't wrong. It was wrong. He was in the arms services.
Right? Vaguely he was going around Egypt or through Egypt after the war. Yeah. And he purchased a Hoover.
Yes. One of these early, it wasn't a Hoover. In fact it was a vacuum cleaner. It was apparently like hundreds of years old.
You know, belonged to Ramesses II or something. Yeah. That was something ridiculous. He had a plug on it saying he lies to the carmen in this Hoover.
Anyway, he takes the Hoover. He brings it home. And he gives it to his home health. There's a woman who cleans his home health.
He's a woman who cleans his home health. He's a woman who cleans his home health. He's a woman who cleans his home health. He's a woman who cleans his home health.
And he lets her use it. And then when he's back turned, the spirit of Tutankhamun sucks. No, there's no spirit. It's just the Hoover.
So look at that. It's kind of a big thing. They are really, really late. He makes an interesting point to highlight that particular feature.
And she's a bit traumatized by that as well. Not traumatized females. And a lot of them. Weird.
I mean, these are sort of meant to be for kids, by the way. Well, they're mummified remains. They found in the house. Yeah.
It was Tutankhamun. It was like Christ. Did he say there was a whole donkey in there or something? Yeah.
At this point, let's just say they were. Anyway, so that's the second one. Then the third story was Irish Jimmy. Oh, God, yes.
Irish Jimmy was the, very much the return of the Jedi of this series. It was disappointing. It's disappointing. And it contains a bit, like, you know, they had a small person.
It's a bit like a knee walk. Jimmy's a bit like a knee walk, wasn't he? A small boy who dies. I can't remember.
It's working as a taxi driver. And he takes this disabled child. For school? Yeah.
And it was basically a sort of vanity piece showing what a caring person there. It was a small person. It was a small boy who died. I can't remember.
It's working as a taxi driver. And he takes this disabled child. Theshellity piece showing what a caring person Derek was that he cared for this. And he didn't realise they were Irish.
Although the guy, give me a little Jimmy and G.E.O. Malik or something after that. The thing was he saw all these bits and all these Virgin Mary's statue and there's all this catholic ephemera around. And so he sees all this catholic stuff and doesn't think, oh, they must be Catholic and stuff.
Oh, they're Irish. Yes, that's the association that I would've made as well. Very much the weakest of the three. Bit Jedi, is she right?
And that starts, provietally, but doesn't go anywhere. As he tells off, and had so much get's nothing to do with the bastard. Sorry! Sorry.
So here are the facts that Tom, thank you again, Tom, for sorting this all out. Here are the facts he's given us. Just so we can get around the idea of the whole Derek saga. So the reason why these sounds so awful by and large is that he recorded all the story on micro cassette.
So you know, those are different things. But to preserve them onto a proper cassette, not micro cassette, he held the speaker of the micro cassette to a boom box and recorded it onto a cassette that way. So he's held it on the mic on a boom box. Yeah.
Yeah. And that's why a lot of it sounds atrocious. Now, some of the stuff we've got today sounds better. But the last story, although it's been cleaned up considerably by both myself, Tom and Stuart.
I've had to go with this. It's still a bit roby, but I think it's manageable. It's nowhere near as bad as Irish Jimmy in quality and in content. So then he goes on to say, I have since spoken to my parents about Derek and they were happy to share the following information.
He was from my father's side, one of six brothers. My great grandfather once told my dad, Stephen, stay away from Derek. He's an idiot. Well, how do I do that?
Derek often believed that he was more intelligent than anybody else, specifically a state agent. He was selling his house in St. Albans for cash at what turned out to be 40% lower than the market asking price. And then he would often tell that parents, his parents, Tom's parents, that the stories he sent were all true events, including the Brooks Eye Tiger.
And the bone Hoover. You'd think he would have heard about that though. Yeah. That'll be on that.
That's life, that kind of story. If the remains of an important pharaoh had been found inside a Hoover, it's all kind of multi-dimensional Hoover. That's all limited space. And his dirty, he likes to submate panties off.
Yeah, we'd hear about that. We'd hear about it. Yeah. Also, the Tiger could be literally see a man's penis and suffer heart problems.
I mean, the Tiger could be sort of true. Unless that Tiger thought it was some kind of a spear that was going to get jock down it. And it just panicked because it was being haunted. Perhaps the penis looked like a male Tiger, rearing up or something.
I feel we're writing things that went in the story there. We're probably ruining his derrick's lawyer now. Irish Jimmy could be true, couldn't it? Because it was just a low-key story about him sort of driving a handicap child around.
I mean, out of all the stories, that does happen. You might say handicap, dude. Are you fucking idiots? You fucking idiot, Eli.
Actually, go on this. Carry on with this. I'll put this with the idea. How are you talking about your terrible?
Oh, you dirty myself. Grubby dirty boy. I feel grubby inside. You've got marshmallow on your lips as well.
Disabled child. You've got tonics on your lips. I'm not driving for a given event. I've got dried tonic crust on my lips.
Sorry, I'll just write it. OK, some more random facts. He did live in some albums. I don't want to speak.
I'm saying albums are a really good idea for albums, though. I'm saying albums. albums. He did live there and continually sent letters to local press with stories.
So there's, I mean, they're all binned, but I would like to imagine there's a drawer just full of stories he sent in. Oh, Derek File. He believed in conspiracies, especially that estate agent were out to get him. Then he told his house.
My grandfather, yeah, we told that story. He was not a big built man. That's the fact. All right.
OK, Tom. He was slight. Yeah, very enough. Would you like to see what Derek looks like?
Oh, I just have a picture. Shit. So you'll be able to see this picture on our website. The cheap show, OK, here we go.
I'm going to pull it up now. Oh, I was expecting this. Proper visual Derek. This is going to be amazing.
He looks a lot like he did imagine him. How would you think he looked before I show you? Just thinking it's slightly rumple looking man. Grey hair quite thin.
I haven't just told you slight. So that's definitely going to fit in there. Maybe wearing some sort of blazer. You don't very well.
Here we go. I'm going to show you. Here's the picture. That's just exactly as he sounds.
He does look exactly like that. He has a very sort of writerly pose. If he had to print a book, that would be on the inside sleeve. But what is he writing?
I can find a little notebook. It looks like one of those chick tracks. You get in a mirror with the weird sort of Christian stories on. Yeah, I think it is a checkbook.
Yeah, I think it is a checkbook. I think he's writing a check. Bless him though. He's a pro.
Character. He says dropping his laptop. Did he have a marry? I don't know.
That's a good point. Look, I don't want to say Derek Jr. I'd like to books to this, don't I? I'd like to think he didn't procreate.
And I don't know if he was married, but if you're listening, if you do have that information, we would like to know if he got his dick wet. LAUGHTER Derek's dirty dick. Oh, poor. Well, I'm sorry if you've never listened to Cheep Show before, when all that was failed.
I'll listen to it. I make it. Yeah. Yeah.
I've listened to what I make. You don't have a people sweep my leavings. I'll squeak your leavings. Yes, I'm a people sweep my leavings.
So today, to close up the saga of Derek, I asked Tom to go for a rescue what he could find. Now, as we stated, a lot of the audio was bloody awful. There's one story called the, let me just find out the title exactly. The Whipsnade Lion.
Oh, without Tiger, now the lion. Now, here's the thing. You've also had this story, because practically the fucking same, the only difference is there were no erection deaths. It's just basically about a lion that got loose, and no one believed Derek because he was apparently drunk.
I think Derek really, very much associates large cats with a sort of sex energy. So it's like, you know, they'll tie, it gets loose. It's like untrammeled like female sex energy only brought to, brought to task by the huge penis wand of, of a man who went too far. He extended his penis too far and it's killed a cat.
Brian de Palmas on the phone. He wants to run. Yeah, right. I don't know.
I imagine he might have made a sticky mess watching Android Webbers cats as a result of that. No one's watching that. I'm so tired. Why do you think he's going to run Tom?
Because he's a big cat. Yeah. That's not a good explanation. Has anyone here seen cats?
Yes, I have seen cats in the recent one. I've got a blue round in the office. If you're watching the film. Oh, yeah.
It was very poor, apparently. It's unbelievable. I can't believe it was made. And Derek came yards.
You can't believe it was the most. Robby yards. Robby Arks, the pop Derek dropping. I'm imagining poor Tom listening to this now.
Derek drippings was not what he wanted to hear today. I'm sure I should point out to any followers of my stuff. This is not my Uncle Derek. That was a different.
Oh, yes. Yes. We got to the movie Uncle Derek was not story Uncle Derek. Stuart's all good.
That was much more into elephants. He had an uncle Derek. Oh, yeah. And then he was old as well.
He did nothing basically, but watch action movies and action television. Nevermind. That's not the worst. He's not like he was writing.
No, he got a lot of it. It's true. He did when he died. They took his coffin down the aisle of the church.
You're both the crematorium to the theme from the 18. No, that's good. That's good. It would be much better than I don't know, Knight Rider.
That was second choice. Although a coffin that looked like Kit will be great. I have been mad. With a little red layer.
You could probably buy one of those bins they have in the 80s. Big plastic. Yeah, I just think it's a stick on calling that. It's fucking up.
Yeah. See if I go over the top. I always wanted to die. If you buried in a race car bed.
That was a big dream. So what we're going to do today is we're going to go through what Tom could rescue. We have four short clips, I believe, and one main feature today. And the main feature is called The Man from Mars.
Now, that does not have an ending, but we will see what we can create here. And I actually have the answer because Tom asked his family everything from the ending and they all you know, that we came up with this thing. I have written it. So the ending is known.
It is known. Just not saved because apparently that got bored and one of the tapes we got the radio. So we lost the end of this story for the sake of match of the day. Probably something like that.
So shall we dive in? Yes. Let's begin. So here we are.
Here we are at the end of this journey with Derek. I'm slightly sad that we're coming to an end. Put all good things. Sure.
How are you feeling, Eli? Well, you know, I had a bit of heavy weekend. So I like that dream jacket. You've got on.
You look like Shagavara. Yeah. You've got a kind of revolutionary look to get in there. Well, I am.
You're not a burial. You lean to the left. Yeah. But you dressed to the right.
Hey! That's actually funny. So we have some audio to get through. We're going for the shorter pieces right now.
The first one is simply described as Derek explains how as kids entertain themselves. Of course. This is a reminiscent from Derek about what he used to do when he was a wee nipper growing up in, I think, the early 40s or 30s. So here we go.
Going back to the 30s, King Harry Lane holds many memories for me and the crossroads that King Harry was. An accident of black spots in those days, especially on a Sunday, because that's only when the wealthy brought their cars out. There were no traffic lights. Only at the Pee Hing where there were traffic lights that were first to be installed in Britain at the Pee Hing, but they were now at King Harry.
And collisions often occurred on a Sunday at the King Harry, where we used to stand and watch the traffic on a Sunday afternoon. And we used to sit on the grassy branch. And if we were lucky, and my parents could afford it, we used to walk across to the King Harry pub and by us a glass of lemonade on one of these very large biscuits, costing a penny each. And that was their special treat on the week to sit on the bank watching the traffic with a glass of lemonade in one hand and a very large biscuit in the other.
And believe me, we felt like a cat's pants. Wonderful, very hot. You felt like the cat's clamps? The cat's pants?
Oh, the cat's pants? I thought he said cat's clams. Either way, the cat's pants man. He's had a fixation on cat vagina.
His whole bloody life. I honestly thought that was going to be. They would like to sit there on the crossroads and watch the cat's crossroads. Yeah, it was expecting that.
There was definitely a subtext of that. You watch the traffic and you kind of hope there's an accident, isn't there? Yeah. Well, back then it would have been like, well, no road safety rules or highway code or anything like that.
No crumbles on any car, right? Perhaps he could have invented like traffic lights by painting these huge biscuits, red, green. You paint one biscuit green, one biscuit red, one biscuit amber, perhaps they are amber already. And hold them up, stop.
So you're saying they're equal to the first ever traffic light. How large are these biscuits? They were very large. I don't know if you picked up on that.
It's a very big biscuit. I think he means a Rosk. I reckon they weren't that big, but he was very small. Yes.
Very subjective, a lot of this. The King Harry. What part of the world did he go up in? It's all bunch of stuff.
It's all bunch of stuff. God of England, as if he sang the nearby was the first ever set of traffic lights, which I presume were in them. Yeah, must have been. Yeah.
It's just kind of really sad. I mean, I get it. There was less things to do than nothing to net all video games. But I thought the back of what was something better than sitting at the crossroads watching cars crash.
Potentially. That's very cool. Plus, those old ridiculous cars making a lot of noise, like a swift reveal from this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All-time cheap backlight stuff. Oh, yeah. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. That's eyeball the engine.
You always say that. It is true because I always make the sound of eyeball the engine. You always do. Yeah.
Grassy, Grassy Bank. Grassy Noel. JFK. What?
You're saying Derek was on the Grassy Noel now? He doesn't look about it, doesn't he? Somebody check this up for you to footage. Yeah, he's known as the Biscuit Man.
The Biscuit lemonade man. You've got Kevin Costner with that. There's a Bruiser footage trying to pick up Derek in the background. Up and to the left.
Up and to the left. Enance. A magic biscuit theory. If you look at it, you can see a man violating a tiger.
Exactly. With a biscuit. The biscuit is very loud. Yeah, his own version of Soggy Biscuit.
It was Soggy Cat, the Giant of Biscuit. Did he actually say we thought we were the Cat's Pat? Yes. I think so.
There is a theme running through. Isn't it to phrase the Cat's Whiskers? Yes. I was prepared to throw the office coincidence.
What are you up at now? He's Cat's Pajamas. Cat's Pajamas. The Cat's Pajamas.
Maybe he meant that. He's like, oh, pajamas. I would like pajamas to be pulled down to reveal the Cat's Nickers. It's really lazy.