EP 283: Are Eating Disorders Inherited? Supporting Men, Women & Families Without Making It Worse (A Candid Conversation Continued)

Following up on the incredible response to episode 281, this candid conversation dives deeper into the family dynamics around eating disorders. We explore the shocking truth that 25-40% of eating disorders occur in men, how generational patterns contribute to development, and most importantly—how to support your loved one without accidentally making things worse. This raw, honest discussion covers: Why male eating disorders are underdiagnosed and hidden The truth about generational inheritance of eating disorders How well-meaning support can push someone deeper into their disorder What TO say and what NOT to say to someone struggling Why "just eat a burger" doesn't work (and what does) How supporting partners need support too Breaking the generational cycle of diet culture For anyone who loves someone struggling with an eating disorder. THE MALE EATING DISORDER REALITY 25-40% of people with eating disorders are actually male (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) The gender gap is narrowing: Male diagnoses have increased by 50-70% in recent years Male presentation differences: Muscle dysmorphia (sometimes called "bigorexia") Obsession with body size and muscularity Never taking rest days, extreme exercise routines Common in athletes: swimmers, wrestlers, bodybuilders Why it's underdiagnosed: Society associates EDs with being "weak" while men should be "strong" Men less likely to seek diagnosis or treatment Symptoms often dismissed as "wanting bigger muscles" Cultural stigma prevents men from coming forward The truth: Men face just as much societal pressure about appearance, it's just different pressure. GENERATIONAL PATTERNS & INHERITANCE What gets passed down: How we talk about food, weight, and bodies Food rules and exercise rules Negative self-talk patterns Diet culture beliefs Environmental factors: Behavioral modeling from parents Childhood beliefs and values around food Family attitudes toward bodies and appearance The truth about "causing" eating disorders: No parent, spouse, or person "causes" an eating disorder It's a complex mental illness with multiple contributing factors Some people are genetically predisposed Childhood trauma (including "lack of trauma" perfectionism) can contribute It's not something you can just "pick up and put down" Kelly's story: Seeing her mom constantly dieting had the OPPOSITE effect—made her want to be healthy rather than restrictive. There's no guaranteed outcome from any family environment. HOW TO SUPPORT WITHOUT MAKING IT WORSE WHAT NOT TO DO: ❌ Don't police the food No comments like "Did you eat lunch?" or "You shouldn't eat that" Creates shame and power struggles ❌ Don't make it about you Avoid: "You're hurting me by doing this" or "I can't sleep because I'm worried" The person is already drowning in guilt—don't add yours ❌ Don't use fear tactics "You're going to die if you keep this up" creates resistance, not motivation "Look what you're doing to your body" doesn't help ❌ Don't say "just eat a burger" This is a complex mental illness, not a simple food choice Dismisses the psychological complexity ❌ Don't abandon them The more you push, the more they'll isolate Stay consistent even when you're frustrated WHAT TO DO: ✅ Get educated about eating disorders Understand it's a mental illness, not a choice Learn about the complexity beyond just food ✅ Model healthy behaviors Don't engage in the same restrictive behaviors Show what normal eating looks like ✅ Simple, consistent check-ins "How are you doing today? I miss you, I love you" "I'm here if you need anything and I want to listen, not fix" ✅ Be the sounding board Just listen without judging or trying to solve Wait for them to come to you rather than pushing ✅ Consistency over time Keep offering support even when they resist "I know people who specialize in this—here are some names" THE TRUTH ABOUT RECOVERY SUPPORT Recovery isn't linear: People will have setbacks, might "leave" the ED and go back multiple times The abusive relationship parallel: Supporting someone with an ED is like supporting someone in an abusive relationship—the more you try to make them see it, the more they isolate Healthy boundaries for supporters: You need self-care too Consider therapy for yourself Don't abandon your own life Set limits on what you can give What Lindsey's mom and husband learned: Consistency over intensity Practical support (cooking, being present) Patience for the long haul Getting ahead of triggers with accountability BREAKING THE GENERATIONAL CYCLE Practical shifts to make: Name your own food rules Write down all the "health" rules you follow Question: "Is this really true?" Be the lawyer arguing against the ED voice Redefine "losing control" Recovery isn't giving up ambition or becoming "basic" You're reclaiming your drive, not losing it Strong can be the new skinny (bridge thoughts work) Check your motivations Does this feel like obligation or choice? Would I do this if I was alone on an island? Am I judging myself for this behavior? Remember what actually works Your brain works better when nourished Your body performs better when rested Relationships thrive when you're present Work improves when you stop obsessing about food KEY QUOTES 💛 "25-40% of people with eating disorders are actually male—the gender gap is narrowing." 💛 "No parent, spouse, or person 'causes' an eating disorder. It's a complex mental illness." 💛 "The more you push, the deeper they go into the disorder." 💛 "Don't police the food. Don't make it about you. Don't use fear tactics." 💛 "Be the sounding board. Just listen without trying to fix." 💛 "Supporting someone with an ED is like supporting someone in an abusive relationship." 💛 "Recovery isn't giving up ambition—you're reclaiming your drive, not losing it." 💛 "Recovering from an eating disorder is the most audacious thing you can do." YOUR SUPPORT CHALLENGE If you're supporting someone: Choose ONE helpful behavior to start this week Get educated about eating disorders as mental illness Practice just listening without trying to fix If you're in recovery: Write down your food "rules" and question them Ask: "Would I do this alone on an island?" Remember: You're not giving up your edge, you're reclaiming it READY FOR PERSONALIZED SUPPORT? If you're tired of navigating these recovery challenges alone: 👉 www.herbestself.co - Apply for 1:1 coaching support 👉 www.herbestselfsociety.com - Join our private recovery community You don't have to handle triggering recovery moments by yourself. Connect with Lindsey: 🌟 Website: www.herbestself.co 🌟 Instagram: @thelindseynichol 🌟 Free FB Community: www.herbestselfsociety.com 🌟Client Application: HBS Co. Recovery Coaching - Client Application - Google Forms Love this episode? Here's how you can support the show: 💕 Share it with a woman who might need to hear this message 💕 Leave a review on Apple Podcasts - it helps other women find the show 💕 Screenshot and tag @thelindseynichol and find Jenna and Kelly on The Audacity Effect podcast to hear more! Her Best Self with Lindsey Nichol is a podcast for women in eating disorder recovery who are ready to break free from perfectionism, people-pleasing, and diet culture to live authentically and wholeheartedly. *While I am a certified health coach, anorexia survivor & eating disorder recovery coach, I do not intend the use of this message to serve as medical advice. Please refer to the disclaimer here in the show & be sure to contact a licensed clinical provider if you are struggling with an eating disorder.