Hi, this is Paul Ganon. I just wanted to do a quick message for this episode starts. This is meant to be a Halloween special, but unfortunately as you'll find towards the end, things didn't quite plan out. If anyone can help following the ending of this podcast, can you please just get into it just at the cheap show, we're looking to find Sweet As 29 and ask for a few questions.
Anyway, I'll just put the episode on now and if anyone can help, please get into it just via our website, Twitter or Facebook page. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. This is Paul Ganon and we're doing a special spooky Skype Halloween version of Cheap Show.
Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, actually we had to do it over Skype because we couldn't get the studio time unfortunately. So we're making do just so we can have something special for you.
Do you like Halloween? Looking forward to Halloween, Mr Silverman? I'd have to say it's my favourite festival of the year. Really?
Yeah, you don't have to do anything, do you? No, you don't do anything. You can just sort of un-a pumpkin or something. Yeah, that is usually what people like to do at Halloween.
They like to do nothing and eat pumpkins. Yeah, you know, you don't do anything and it's kind of like some horror films and stuff, you know? Yeah, it is. It is like some horror films and stuff.
I love the horror films when nothing happens and a man sits alone and needs a pumpkin on Halloween night. It's my favourite horror film that. It's called Attack of the Eli. Oh, why do I quit horror film that would be?
So I'm alone sitting in my house alone, eating a pumpkin and then I hear the rap of Eli. The rap of Eli? Yeah. Oh, I'm Eli here and I'm coming along.
I'm going to scare you with my super thong. I'm going to come and get your hair and I'm going to tear it out and then all the people will shout, including women who love me. Mate, I would blow my fucking brains out of my door on Halloween. The rap in it.
I'm trying. I meant like rapping on the door, you know, like the raven, rapping on the door, on the chamber door. Men's not knocking in it. Not rapping.
No, it's rapping on my chamber door. I'm rapping now. I don't think it's that. I don't think Poe, Edgar Allen Poe, inventor, or maybe he did.
Maybe the raven was the first three, four, eight mile. That it. Anyway, how are things for you anyway? Well, I'm sick.
Oh, we've known that for years though. I'm sick. I have fever. Oh, the sexy fever, like Peggy Lee, you should sing about.
No, more like the sort of viral fever. Oh, poor you. Yeah, it's all right though. You know, I'm getting some love from early internet.
Are you? Oh, bless you. Yeah, I mean, the online medical doctor. No, there's this girl I've been chatting to her and she's a fan of Vartians.
Hang on, sorry. Go back a bit. How did this start? Your chat, your first of all, is it not a bot?
No, no, it's not a bot. I don't think it's a bot. All right. Well, tell me more about it.
Well, she got in touch on Twitter. Yeah. She's a fan of the podcast and Vartians and seems pretty nice. Okay.
What's your handle? I'll check her out. Sweet, sweet ass 27. At Sweet Ass 27.
Let me have a quick look. All right. Don't be put off by the handle, by the way. She said something about that.
What was it like a reference or something then? Yeah, it's not because she's like a prostitute or something. Mate, I can't find it online. I can't find it on Twitter.
Sweet SWETAWS29. Yeah. I'm not getting it. Are you sure?
Okay. So at this point, I need to ask if you're just bullshitting me. Why would I do that, man? Come on.
Because you're sad and lonely, mate. That's why. Well, that's sad. All lonely.
I've had girlfriends. Ploral. That's good. Yeah.
In the past. And also, sometimes people want to have sex with me. Oh, so what's she been saying then? Well, she's just, she says she loves the show.
She loves bastions and she's like, she's so. So what video do you think gave her the pants fizz? Was it the one where you had your mouth restrained by like, stir up thing and you? Speculum, get it right.
Speculum, get it right. It's good for the other end, mate. All right. All right.
All right. All right. What about, um, was it the King of Plastacy? Was it the King of the Crown?
I think the Plastacy. She likes the, well, get Broxy. Was it, was it a lower parts frothing like a rabbit duck? No, no, she hasn't been like that before because frothing, I don't have to break it to you, but people getting frothing is, it's basically your thing.
Other people don't get all sort of into the metaphor of froth, of fizz when it comes to genitals. You, that's your area, you know? I'm sorry. I take it back.
All right. Jesus. Can't I just have one bright spark, you know? One bright thing in my dark, dark life.
Yes, mate. Yes, you can. I'm sorry. I shouldn't take it away from you.
So, sweet ass 29, yeah? Yeah. And she likes you. She certainly does.
How old is she? I haven't got that far, but you know, mate, you have heard of like the worst case scenarios when it comes to online dating. I don't want to have to bail you out or be a witness at your forthcoming prison trial. I'll make sure that everything's closer before it goes further.
Okay. Just, well, you know, I just, well, I mentioned that. No, that's I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's shitty of me to shit on something that you're excited about. I'm just, I'm just concerned about it. You're a little frothy. That's getting on my excitement, don't you?
I'm just concerned that A, she doesn't exist or B, that she exists and sees a great big fat dude living alone with his mom. That means obviously not living alone, but you know, living with his mom's dad. I'm playing a lot of Skyrim and he's bald and toying with you. That's all I'm just trying to protect you, mate.
Okay. That's all I'm saying. All right. Well, anyway, Halloween special.
Yay. So, um, one of the things we like to do on cheap show is, you know, recommend things that are cheap, obviously, and Halloween can be an expensive time of the year, apparently for the most expensive times of the year. It's just behind Christmas in terms of how much money we spend. What?
Yes, seriously. It's the second most expensive, I guess, public holiday. I don't know what you can call it that, but we spend it most on sweets and costumes and decorations. That's surprising.
Really? It's, well, in the UK, it's what? You don't have to get presents for anyone, do you, though? You just have to get a costume.
Yeah. But you got to remember, it's all the shit candy you buy and the stuff, a trick or treat or, you know, if you really put it on, but if you really into it, I can see you spending a lot of money for Halloween. Yeah, but I would have still, having said that, I would have thought Easter would have been picked it, but no. No, we're more godless now in this country than ever.
It's great. I thought we do a bit of a service to people who want to go all out for Halloween and yet can't afford to. So I found online on a website called living on thecheep.com, a list of 96, but obviously going to do all 96, 96 costumes. You can make the Halloween on a board of mere pounds or pence.
Yeah. I will tell you them and you'll have to guess the cheap alternative, right? So it is an easy one to eat, start it. Okay.
Eli, a mummy costume. How can you do that on the cheap? Toilet paper. Yeah, bang on.
That's exactly what it says. It says toilet paper. A lot of it. Wrap yourself from head to toe in toilet paper, avoid using the bathroom or getting wet.
Yeah. Which is a good point. You don't want to go to a Halloween costume and realize, hey, well, first of all, you've got a nice little wet patch right by your dinkle. Oh, that'd be terribly embarrassing, wouldn't it?
Pissy, mummy. Or even worse, you want to go, pee. Yeah. Or if you want to go to toilet and you can't because you've wrapped yourself too tightly in bog paper.
Well, at least if you shut yourself, you'd have something to clean up the mess with. Yeah. You could just unravel your leg and clean it up. Yeah.
But anyway, if you turned up to a Halloween party with that, that is a costume. No one's going to give you any respect, ever. Do you know what I mean? No.
In pissy, shitty toilet paper wrapped around that would be that would be truly horrific. But imagine if you had diarrhea. I don't have to imagine Paul. I'm sorry.
You're a bit personal again. All right. Okay. Zombie.
Chalk. That's a very, very narrow way of describing how would you rub some chalk on your face? Oh, for the palate combustion. Yeah.
Well, and catch up. Catch up, obviously. Yeah. For blood.
Yeah. Yeah. Also, it says for clothing, just put any old clothes in the picture. Just mug a tramp.
Just add mug a tramp. Beat them up. Obviously, the blood splatter will splash onto you, giving you the zombie feel. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's good.
I think actually, rather than just do what they're saying, just mug a tramp and then instant zombie costume. Or if you want tramp costume. Or you could just take a large amount of sedatives and half a bottle of vodka and then turn up to the party like that and you'd be very zombie. Like, wouldn't you?
You would and possibly die and then you could be a ghost on a court party. You know, they've got to think outside the box here. You know, so what do they say? They say for the clothes, what do they say?
Any old tat that you've got lying around in drawers that doesn't fit or need to be thrown out. Just put that on. Oh, this sounds like a terrible list. Well, there's some things to them and I'm not going to do all of them.
Like, as if you were sitting there and you're thinking, Oh, I cannot imagine how I would make a cheap zombie uniform, you know? Posthumous. Yeah. I know.
But some people aren't as wise as us. I'll wear it here to help you see through the gaps in the logic. Okay. All right.
All right. Next one. Scary ghost. A sheet.
Yeah. Oh my God. But you've got to be very careful not to look like a clan member. Does it say that?
Yeah. No, but it's worth considering. You don't want to pointy sheet. Your ghost should be smooth and dome like at the top, not pointy.
That's very true. Also, if you can, you know, maybe not put swast because I didn't carry a flaming torch. That helps. Yeah.
Don't do this to the flaming torch. You know, unless obviously you want to go as a clan member, in which case there you go. Well, that's it. I mean, that's one of those bad tastes Halloween things, isn't it?
Or you could go as a ghost of a clan member and it's a two for one. But, you know, that's what keeps happening in our world, doesn't it? You're after you, Halloween is always some guy who goes as a Nazi or goes as a hard one. Trayvon Martin.
Yeah. Yeah. That was really bad. Every time, like, something horrible happens that year, Halloween means someone dresses up as it's a went, Trayvon Martin was shot, someone put a hoodie on covering themselves in bullet holes and blacked up.
White guys. Always white guys. Always. Always.
Yeah. Fucking simpletons. Skeleton costume. Ooh.
Have a chicken and then sell it to your torso. Thought what they've got written down here. That's also good. You could also dig up a body and just take that to your body.
That's not that cheap. You got, you know, your tools. It's more work, labor intensive. You've got a scope out of cemetery, you know, stay up for night.
Yeah, you need to go for an older corpse. So look for great stones where the body's been in there since the 70s, maybe early 80s. There's the right kind of decomposed what's going on. Decomposture.
Decomposture. No. No. It's not just parrotting, everything I say.
I won't parrot everything you say. Decomposition. Decomposition excellent. Thank you.
We got there in the end. You think the 80s, that'd be, that's a bit recent isn't it? I mean, if you went from one, what about the 1800s? Yeah, but I guess, well, yeah, you know what, it's probably going to be a safe for better going for that.
I'm just thinking about how much grew is involved. So if it's quite a lot of good and blunt, yeah. Yeah. Got to garden bluffs.
Good and bluffs. All right. Okay. Yeah, you don't want any, you don't want any chance of there being any stuff.
We just want the bones. Yeah. So the answer that they gave was very simple. We're raggedy clothing similar to his on the but this time white the face up and kind of draw the skeleton on your eyes.
Oh, they are talking out of their arse. Okay. How do you differentiate that? It's just they're thinking about on a budget.
They're thinking more like the bad guy from the Future of Kill, aren't they? Not a Future of Kill. Little let die. Little let die.
What was that guy's name, Mr. Mr. Racist Carracature? No, that film scared me out though because no, he gets shot in the head in that film.
Yeah. Then he dies and then he rises out of the grave. Spoilers. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Spoilers to a 40-year-old film. He reappears on the train, doesn't he? Right at the very end.
Yeah. Similar to the end of the trouble in Little China. Little China, yes. Oh, so that's what they ripped off.
Good to know. That big don't come. There's not a single good idea in his head. That's not true.
Come on. It's a classic. No, that is a classic. Wasn't a classic when he came out as a big flop and it's become appreciated over the years.
Yes. Well, we loved it. We were boarding school and we got the video out and we watched it about eight times. Yeah.
What's your favorite part? I like it when he goes, wang. Listen, wang. My favorite bits were the guy who is really formidable, sees his dead mates and rather than attack, just inflates and explodes at a wanger.
Yeah. Like moments. Great moments. Actually, also, the bit where Kurt Russell thinks he's the hero because that's the way to think about that film.
He's not the hero at all. He's shitting the way through. But when he runs into the gun and the plaster falls down and knocks him out for the whole fight. Yeah.
That's where everyone loves that bit. I like the bit where he goes. Listen to me, wang. Yeah, you like wang.
Whoa. All right. 17, Lady of the Evening. First of all, what do you think that is?
Prosy. Prosy. All right. How would you dress as a prosy?
I'll get some fishnets. Yeah. Do that, Oz. Yeah.
One of those pair of PVC lickers for zip on. Oh, yeah. Tell me more. Stop it.
When you stop getting sexy during our podcast, that's not what our listeners want to hear, mate. All right. I don't care what they want to hear. I want to hear.
And I want to hear you talking about what you do. If you dress with a prostitute for one night, I'll have my hair down and shut up. Keep the beard. That's a good lady.
That's a whole other category, isn't it? Yeah. That's like free show stuff. All right.
Okay. So, what it says here is tight short dresses, bustiers, fishnets, optional, dollar bills and chewing gum. Because obviously dollar bills, you want stuff in your cleavage. Are they saying the lady of the night, adding the literary as stripper?
No, I didn't like literally. No, not like that. I mean, like a dirty prosy, but from 70s, New York, action films. Why is that Halloween costume?
That's just a great thing. It says, it was these people. God, I don't know. But it says stuff dollar bills into your breast and then hand them out.
Say things like no tricks, just all the treats you can eat. Does it actually say that? Yeah. Literally words for word.
I'll give you one more. I'll give you one more. Let me have a little scroll through this. I find a good one to end on.
Where we go? One of the ones I suggested here is Gene Simmons from Kiss. That's awful. He used to get people to give him a blowjob while he was taking a shit.
Really? Something I heard. Well, where did you hear that? I mean, I know.
Maybe I made it up, but it's good, isn't it? Yeah, it's really good. It wasn't surprising. He's got the longest tongue in showbiz, apparently, as well.
Yeah. Also, there was this documentary on Netflix about the incredible bongo band who had a song called Apache, which is known as the National Anthem of Hip Hop because it was sampled widely in the early days of Hip Hop. Oh, I did not know this. And it's a documentary about how it was sampled and how it's extremely popular.
It's narrated by Gene Simmons. Is it? All the people. Yeah.
He's literally nothing to do with Hip Hop. He's just a mighty, made-believe band who are the most terrible cell-outs, but nowhere to go. You know, you can literally, honestly, truthfully buy Kiss coffins. Yeah, I know.
Yeah. So maybe that's why he did the documentary because he went, here's a lot of money, Gene Simmons. I know, but why do they pick in? I know, you're not blaming him, but why pick in?
Because they were running out of time. It's not getting Rick Astley to do a documentary about early jazz musicians. Don't you fucking slug him into the early jazz. No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't. You don't know. Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
You don't know. For the sake of the joke. Okay, here's the last one then. What do you think this is?
Right. Cheap costume, iPad. iPad. Yeah.
You know, an apple, an apple, iPad. You mean as in a patch with the eye? No, as in an iPad. As in an apple, iPad.
Yeah, how would you dress as that for Halloween? Take a guess and I'll tell you what they wrote on the website. Get in a fucking box and paint it white. No.
They said, you need some glasses, a pad of sticky post-it notes and a black marker. Yeah. And the instructions are write iPad on one of the post-it notes and stick it to one of the lenses of your glasses. They are taking the pizzle, my friend.
And why? What's so scary about an iPad? I mean, it's just a mackepy or something. Are they like, just where it's Halloween where it's just like you dress up as something.
So like a policeman. It's just a costume. They're dicks. Right.
So that's, I mean, they have 90 other odd suggestions on there. Wow. I think they might be the best ones I chose. Wow.
There you go. Some suggestions on cheap Halloween where let's move on to the next section of the show. Ooh. So I'm going to do cheap eats now.
Yay. Yay. Because it's quite a lot of awful shit for Halloween when it comes to cheap eats. And we've both got something each week to try out.
So I'll let you go first. Okay. So for cheap eats on this Halloween special, I've bought Mr. Kipling, chocolate and slime slices.
Chocolate and slime. So it's basically what like a flak with a cream chip. Well, it's a chocolate slice. Yeah.
Cake slice with some green shit in it. The cake itself is green. The sponge and the cake is green. I'm going to open them, get them out now.
Okay. I really don't have any appetite because I'm sick. But anyway, here we go. Down your throat you pig.
They come in like little piers. And yeah. You'll notice as well, there's quite a lot of brands available selling Halloween things shit this year for Christmas for Halloween. Sorry, but they're selling Halloween shit.
And I look closely at the packaging and it's like Jaffa cake spooky orange slice. And you look at it and it's like it's just a Jaffa cake. Yeah. And you put a pumpkin on the label.
They literally put slime the word slime. And it's made from slime, isn't it? That's the ironic thing. Well, what is slime?
How do you define slime? It's bio good. You know, it's probably like pig entrail. Well, it's meant to be ectoplasm.
The format ghosts leave behind upon appearance. Manifesting. Yeah. Yeah.
When they manifest. They manifest some goop. Yeah. Okay.
So I've got it out here. Oh, look at you. Nice slice. It's like that.
By the way, so I don't interrupt you. But yes, that girl is getting in touch with me now on a Facebook. Oh, what? She's messaging me on Facebook.
Oh, wait, you added there's a friend on Facebook. Yeah. Mate, you got to be careful about that kind of shit. She's got her hello lover.
She's saying I'm in there, mate. Have you checked the account real like a repeat is all her and stuff like that? Yeah. She looks like a young woman.
Oh, mate. And a 20s. I see a court case coming. I really don't know.
No, no, come on. Don't send it any dick pics because there's nothing more depressing than me having to go up and go. Yes, you're on it. That's his dick.
As if you know, as if you'd seen it. I've seen it. All right. Are we going to remove this slice?
This fucking slide slice or what? So I'm not before you any further. Has he said anything else? Has he said anything like?
Are you there? Love. Have you replied? Yeah.
Okay. What'd you say? Well, she hasn't got back to me yet. I just said, yes, I'm here.
Okay. All right. Okay. So tell me what the, uh, tell me what it tastes like.
Okay. So it's a little cake slice. It's got a very citrusy, lemony smell. Okay.
Take slice with a chocolate topping and then it's got slime or green icing of some sort drizzled on the top. It's made by Mr. Kittle's. It's bound to be fucking awful and, uh, and the sponge inside is also green.
I'm guessing it's a lime flavored. So I'm going to have a little taste now. Okay. All right.
Have a little taste. Yeah. That's quite unpleasant. It's limey.
It's limey. Uh, not very chocolatey at all. It's a hardly tasted chocolate, but it's got that kind of artificial citrus sort of flavor to it. Yeah.
Um, it's not too bad. Okay. You know, it's cake. I mean, it's cake.
I mean, it's cake. It's very sweet. It's very sweet. Yes.
Very sweet. Bollocks. All right. Okay.
So out of 10, what would you give it? I'd give it a six. I'll give it a six. Okay.
You know what? I've got the money. It's not bad, is it? I mean, how much was it?
I'm quick, but six of them. Oh, that's all right. If you're having a sheep party for kids, throw them a bowl. Fucking job done.
But I'm looking at the bloody, you know, what's giving me nightmares is the bloody, uh, percentage per slice. Gallery camped. Yeah. The percentage per slice, uh, the, the traffic light system they've got here.
Yeah. All red fat red, saturated red, salt red. Well, there's the horror aspect for you, isn't it? That's the true, our coronary heart disease and obesity.
Yeah. Yeah. Kids, you've learned something today. Mm.
They're not too bad, actually. Yeah. They taste it. It tastes like a, like an artificial lemon sweet, but in cake form.
Well, you know what? I had last week someone sent me a box of Twinkies from those posters. So it had like green innards, right? Oh, Twinkies.
Yeah. Slimey Twinkies. Yeah. But a bit into it.
And the flavour was lime. So it was like lime, cream, centre. I think that's what this is, lime. Yeah.
Yeah. But you know how like the cream and Twinkies are fucking awful, right? Twinkies are just awful things, right? I mean, it's just chemicals upon chemicals.
Imagine adding fake lime flavour to it. It was rank, I could need them. I could not eat them. Yeah.
So, um, as an aside, I'll give those four out of 10. Well, this is getting six, this slice. It's been nice for a cup of tea. And I just update you.
So you got, is now asking where can we, when can we meet? Sorry, who the girl? Yeah. Sweet as 29.
That's not how we know it. And then she's a Laura. Oh, it's Laura. I still can't see any evidence on or online.
I mean, they've just not writing it down. Right? To be honest, Paul, you're completely doesn't seem to do anything you want it to do. No, like ever, ever.
Never fucking wants to do anything. I'll just let up Sky. Yeah. So you're having some kind of issue there.
Because she's real. She's real. She likes me. I don't doubt for a minute that she likes you because she's obviously got some kind of mental illness or she hates herself.
She wants to meet me tonight. Well, tell her you're ill. You can't do the recording of her. I'm going to have to.
Yeah. All right. I'll tell her that. She's saying, please.
She's getting quite. What? Nothing. She's getting quite filthy here.
Oh, hello. Sorry. Go on. Tell me what you're saying.
Well, she's intimating that she'll perform. What? Haiku. No.
What? The late night. Okay. All right.
Okay. Good. What have you written back then? Well, nothing.
I'm just going to say, I don't know how to play this actually now. No. Honestly, if I were you, just say, you know, I don't know. Honestly, personally, I would just kind of, you know, father off with some polite lies.
I don't even know if she lives. I don't know, mind you. Well, she, well, first of all, she wants to meet tonight. She either thinks she can get into tonight or she lives locally and neither of those do things sound likely.
So just say, oh, which I could, but not tonight and busy, but we got right. And then we can move on with this fucking show. Okay. Oh shit.
What? I've just dropped my cheap eat all over my knee. Is it wet? Is it a wet cheap eat?
No, it just, okay. It is. I'll tell you. Six out of ten for my slime slides, by the way.
Yes. I know you made that fucking abundantly. All right. I just want those listeners to be sure.
That's what they listen for. They're informative. You know, yeah, I know. Sorry.
Let me just get fish out. It is a, I got this in Tesco. This is a, it's not fish. It is a gingerbread biscuit, colored with a silk, a sweet milky white coating.
Oh yeah. Shut up. Yeah. I'm a sweetheart.
629 once. Decorated with orange colored sugar and colored icing and it's in the shape of a pumpkin. Of course. Yeah.
When I pulled it out the bag, it just collapsed everywhere and fell on the floor. So I've got gingerbread sprinkles all over me. Don't, man. And I take a little bite of it.
Now, I mean, literally it's a gingerbread biscuit on a stick. Oh, it's on a stick. Yeah. It's like a lolly biscuit.
Yeah, which is a stupid fucking concept. Well, it's something that they do at all the festivals, don't they? They've got lolly biscuits at Easter. What, what ever happened to to toffy apples?
Do we just not have them anymore in this country? You don't ever see toffy apples, do you? You never see toffy apples anymore. Have they died out?
Well, I think they're quite difficult because the fruit goes off over the floor. I don't know. I just think we should bring back toffy apples hashtag. Yeah.
Wow. You know, before you said that, I haven't thought about that, but I haven't seen a toffy apple for several years. I've certainly not eaten a toffy apple since my late teens. What the fuck has happened to all the toffy apples?
They used to be for me, a Halloween staple. Yeah. And now it's all Mr. Kipling, slimy slice.
Yeah, bullshit. Fucking ginger biscuits. Yeah. I don't know.
Fucking Haribo, witch hats. Yeah. Anyway, let me eat this fucking biscuit because it's just looking at it. It's put me off.
Eat the biscuit. All right. Here I go. Oh, no, it's way too soft.
It's like a gingerbread. It's a gingerbread biscuit. It's really soft. It's like eating wet cardboard.