Ladies and gentlemen! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's only two of us. So I'm not allowed to shout.
No, but do it like that, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies, is this working? Is this working, Paul? Yes.
Ladies and gentlemen! No, wait, do it this way. Do it from here. Do it from across the stage.
I think it's funny. If anyone wants to take some pictures as well, please take pictures. We'll put them on our website to accompany the episode. Right, shall I start then?
Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, it's live! We're at a convention! Yes, it's Cheap Show!
Hello! I mean, I'm hosting this, and so is Paul Gannon, my co-host. Also, with us today, we have occasional co-creator, Ash Riff! Hey!
Ash! Creator was a bit grand. I was going to say, I brought you up somewhat to mild enthusiasts, a co-creator. Co-creator, share, owner, all-round good egg.
I've broken the mic stand and I've been on stage two seconds. Stop jumping up and down like a freaky rabbit. I'm sorry, I'm getting close to 40 and I refuse to give in to my age. Are you getting close to 40?
I'm 14 in two years. I'm getting close to 40 stone. Anyway, hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy, comedy podcast with me and Eli. I'm sometimes Ash Riff.
Go for the Bobby Bins, the charity shops, the power land of Great Britain and deliver what we find to you and we call it a podcast. Give us a cheer, MTM! Right, so we've only got half an hour today, so don't worry if you think about getting bored, you can leave in about 25 minutes. Job done.
Sold! So Eli, can we get started? You got any tales with Antwoord? Yeah, someone asked, I was DJing the other night and she asked for, what's that one?
Ace of Base. Ace of what? I saw the sign, Ace of Base. All she wants is another baby.
No, I think she's one of the more obscure album tracks. Of course, buddy! I saw a sign. No, one of a tune they fucking did.
All that she wants is another baby. See, four people got it. Because four people in this room are over the age of 30, apparently, so good to know. Yeah, rock and roll.
Actually, she wanted Justin Timberlake. I just made that up. It was Justin Timberlake. So hang on, you thought a more modern reference would be to say Ace of Base than Justin Timberlake?
I was struggling for something to say. It's pressure. You know, usually we're in some dingy studio and here there's about six people watching us, so yeah. Well, it's two less now, by the way.
Yeah, you put them off with the Ace of Base reference. I also like Wham! Come back and come back! Right, so we've got two games lined up for you today.
Yay! The first is I went to a charity shop recently and I bought this for 75p. You don't even know what it is yet, can I? What is it?
It is a book of the popular British BBC TV show, Call My Bluff. Hang on, it sounds like there's some kind of world war breaking out now. That'd be the Avengers, probably. Yeah, they're big, big shit.
Can you imagine how depressing it is if you're popular? It's happening right now and all you lot are here for it. Can you imagine Rick Grimes waking up from that? Walking Dead reference.
So what I thought we'd do is we play a little game. See if you can guess. Do you know the format of Call My Bluff? Again, you're under 30, so why would they?
I keep forgetting that. Call My Bluff is a game where they gave you a word like Biblysplot and then you'd get three different interpretations of what that name would be and you'd have to guess which is the correct one. I'm so excited. It's known as a board game format, Balderdash, I believe, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Balderdash. Some people might be more familiar with that because they're under 60 or something. You play board games?
I play board games. Suck my game, man. Of course I do. Who with?
With my friends, my large circle of real life friends. What's your favourite board game, am I? There's that one with the castles and the walls. What's that called?
Ed, you know. Carcassonne, thank you. What's the one with the houses? Monopoly.
Monopoly. My favourite is... Mousetra. You're a dick.
I think that's fair. Do you play the game, the short version of Monopoly, where they deal them out all at the same time at the beginning? No. Apparently that's the way to play it if you actually want strategic fun.
I don't want any fun when I find a board game. Well, you could choose Monopoly then, the long version. The other thing I heard about Monopoly the other day, apparently never buy a hotel. Always just keep the three houses and that's the way to win the game.
So never let anyone tell you Chief Show doesn't have board game tips as well included. Noted. Have you just life hacked Monopoly? I've done it.
I'm so proud of you right now. Play the short version, never buy a hotel. There you go. Call my blog.
Call my blog. I've picked the word. And you're going to have to all guess now and see which word you think it is. The word is straddlebob.
S-T-R-A-D-D-L-E-B-O-B. Straddlebob. I'll give you the definitions. One.
Straddlebob is of American origin. This is what they would say a straddle-bear. So what? My accent is just because Andrew Lincoln's in Walking Dead.
Was that your American accent? That's your American accent. Straddlebob. Straddlebob.
I'm going to tell you now. It derives from the fact that the tribe of Indians who first lived in Milwaukee... The racist one's out, Paul. So there you go, the straddlebob.
So it's over that or... That's a racist term for American accent. What's the next racist thing going to put out here? What's next?
Number two is of Flemish origin. It is when you work with an open fabric loom. A straddlebob was the person who operated the loom and the seat was in the shape of a saddle. That would be your saddle bulb.
I can say that. Third and final one. A straddlebob is one of the curious names. And it is known as a crane fly in some respects.
So basically a straddlebob... Is one of the curious names? What? What?
Read it again. I am. What? Basically it means daddy longlegs.
It's an old fashioned word for daddy longlegs. So it's a racist term. It's a racist term. A toilet.
No, it's not a toilet. It's a seat for someone on a loom. A loom. I bet they incorporated some kind of toilet into that.
Probably if you were there all day. Like loo breaks in the industrial revolution, didn't they? Yes. So it's probably a poo seat.
Shut up. So it's either that or finally a daddy longlegs. Right. So what's your vote, Mr Ashford?
I'm going for the loom. Loom. Do you know what are you going for? It's the loom, innit?
Loom. I'm going for the loom as well. Right. Who else has a guess?
What do you think it is? Racism. I should never have gone to him. He's done for racism.
I should never have gone to him. I apologize. Ladies and gentlemen, Stuart Ashen. Grab a microphone.
If you say right now, welcome to Chief Show, isn't it great? I'll cut it into the beginning since it sounds like you're here the whole time. That's a good idea. Was it racism?
He's here two minutes and he steals the show already. So we've had racism from the guy who's obviously going to say that. We have any other options. What do you think it is, Mo?
Probably racism as well. What is it about the youth today? We're living in a post post-sotiacal society now. And yes, I did just say the word satiacal.
I don't know what it means. You should try and stop talking. I think satiacal is out of your book. Yes, it is.
That's a racist term. Right, Stuart, you haven't been here, but do you want to pick the racist term? Do you want to pick the weird seat or do you want to pick the crane fly? I want to pick the crane fly.
I want to pick the crane fly. Do you know what the annoying thing is? He's right. Oh, come on.
And you don't even know what it is they're doing. I have no idea. It's usually a crane fly. Always go for the crane fly.
We were playing Call My Bluff. You know, with whatever his name is, Frank. That's his name. Where did you find that?
Do you have a bookshop from the past or something? Yeah, there's a little bookshop in Cambridge that has a portal in it. And you can either buy a book or get trained into the costume of a knight to go on an adventure. Or cheat on your wife like a good night sweetheart.
So many options in time travel places around the UK I think you'll find. Anyway, Stuart T, everyone. Right, so we're going to go on to the main event now because I think we're running out of time already. Sorry.
No, no, it's all good. Where are we? Yeah, we've got 15 minutes. We can relax into this.
So everybody breathe. Some people didn't breathe. No, which is worrying. But this is how cults start.
Right, so what we're going to do is we're going to play a very special version of The Price is Shite. Way too excited. But I love the moxie. EI, will you please give us the theme tune.
Oh, it's the fucking Price is Shite. It's the fucking Price is Shite. It's the fucking Price is Shite. It's the fucking Price is Shite.
No, it's the fucking Price is Shite. And that's right. Hello, welcome to The Price is Shite. Wait, wait, wait.
First of all, what we're going to do is this. We're going to break this up into two teams. Because I thought this was quite clever. We have Team Ash.
You see where this is going. And Team Stuart. Rivals, big rivals. So we need a volunteer to join Team Ash first of all.
Hands go down, unbelievable. You're thinking, I want to play with Stuart. Oh, not that one. Who hates Stuart?
Alright, you're on Team Stuart then. You two join up. We need two people then to come up. We hate the victory as a show.
I mean, you're on the last live show, so I'm going to grab you two for this one. Right, come on up. Right, so. We're going to destroy them now.
So we're going to play the whole version of The Price is Shite where it's the celebs versus the plebs. Right. Can you give them a round of both? I think you've taken the two people that are doing most of the applauding.
I think I just really like to half the audience. Right, so what's your name? Where do you come from? My name is Ricky.
I come from Crobra. I thought that would be more interesting. I'm sorry, I've let everyone down. Where is Crobra?
It's in England. Near Tombridge Wells, that sort of area. Oh, it sounds like a delightful medieval town. It's where the Sherlock Holmes story is written.
Oh really? All of a sudden, less interesting. Right. Do you have any questions for the team?
No, no. Why would I have any questions? In case you want to vet them? I'm not vetting no one.
I'm doing the fucking Price is Shite, mate. He's a giver, isn't he? Yeah, he's a top. I'm ready.
Yeah. Ricky. Ricky. Team number one.
And what's your name, sir? My name is Drew. Drew, where do you come from? The same place as him.
How close? Same house. And the next question is room? Different rooms.
Not bed. No. Just checking. I just want to get an idea for my survey.
For your thoughts. Alright, okay, so what's going to happen is this. Eli has brought a selection of his best tact from previous Prices of Shite. How long have you got Eli?
Six. Six. So what's going to happen is this. He's going to lay them out, give a little bit of explanation about each one, and then both teams are going to put them in order from cheapest to most expensive, and nobody gets the closest wins.
Sounds like a good deal? Alright, good. So Eli, it's over to you. What's your first Prices of Shite?
The first item in today's Prices of Shite special, Paul, is this verified souvenir spoon from Porth Call in Wales. I'll show it to the audience after that. It's an ardent souvenir. Everyone is into the branding of these items.
And you can see it comes in its original souvenir sleevelet. So there you go. I'll show it to the celebs. It's silver-plated.
What do you think, Stuart? Ash, what do you think? I think it shouldn't be taken out of the protective wrapper because it looks diseased. Oh yeah, I wouldn't put it anywhere near a mouth, for example.
So this is how much Eli has paid for it in his solution. You don't have to guess the price. You've just got to take it in because we're going to line them all up. Take it in to you somewhere.
You have to absorb it. And then when we put all sticks out, you put in all you think is most appropriate. You've got a lovely dragon on it. You've got a lovely dragon.
And please, when you're considering the price, do remember the sleeve is intact. I would all comment on the sleeve. Yeah, that's my main selling point there. Right, keep it now.
Great, number one. Okay, number two. This post-modern red apple design post-it note dispenser. Ooh!
With shake action. Full of post-its, it sounds like. Well, no, there's no post-its actually in there. Because you can see the mechanism there.
It's a spring-loaded dispenser pad in there. And please be careful. The stem, the green translucent stem is quite loose. So the teams could not manhandle my stem too much.
Authentic apple sounds. It's the cheapest apple product you'll ever buy. Lovely. Good work.
Is this used for smuggling something? Yeah, all those little bits are made of heroin, so... There you go. What is item number three?
Item number three, one of my personal favourites. Ooh! It's the Scooby-Doo Monkey Claw Grabber! That is fully operational.
It's fully operational. And also, again, I'd like you to be careful with this, because I've used it to wank myself off a lot. So just mind a sticky icky there. So one careful over them.
Oh, just do it. I mean, literally, don't touch it. Oh, I licked it. Should I now lick?
I've got to build up my immune system. I gave it a little wash. I used a post-it note to sort of scrub it in. Can I just put it in my sleeve?
Yes. You can do the thing. It's the Scooby-Doo Claw of Doom. Jeremy Beedle.
No, come on. Too soon. Okay, sorry. Third item, another favourite.
The third item is the spring action. Girls in bikinis riding Harleys across the sky ashtray. Ooh! With the spring-loaded top action there.
That's a beautiful item. I mean, if that hasn't got disease on it. It's semi-pornographic. It's...
It's been used to ash. It's not... I think that might have been used in conjunction with the monkey claws, of course. Well, all these items do live in my room.
Or, as I like to refer to it, the house of pickles. I don't want to ruin this, but I really think, from looking at the photos, those ladies aren't really riding those motorcycles. Also, it's the same photo repeated one, two, three, four times. I don't think there are any ladies, either.
Can I just point out one thing? I don't think I've ever seen. I think there might be a puke on there. I suppose you missed it.
It's just one of my hairs. It's not a puke. The monkey claws... All right.
He's not joking. I'm going to put this down really carefully. Should we go for item number five? I don't know what the health check, but the show's gone.
Item number five... It's Eli's anus. It's Eli's funny worm. It's my funny worm, and as you can see, it comes complete with the box.
Can I just say, this section is getting very symbolic about the way. It's my funny worm. We've got a big throbbing red apple, we've got a wanky claw, a lady's nudied ashtray, and a funny worm. Psychiatrist's going to have a fucking field day with this.
It's my funny worm. It's battery operated for ages four and up, because it's in the box. That obviously affects value, as all collectors know. And automatic movements.
Forward and turn. Both eyes flash. And my favourite, tail slungs back and forth. Tail slungs back and forth.
Here it is. Eli Silverman gets his funny worm out. Watch out, because it's got a slinky incorporated into it. The dust is incredible.
Look at that. This is unholy. Can you be very careful with Eli's funny worm, please? He is.
If he's not on acid, I don't know what is. This is a big case of funny peculiar and not funny ha-ha. Oh my god, it's his penis. Okay, have a look at my worm.
I'm going to model my final item. Okay, Eli's now about to model his final item. Eli, explain what it is you think you're doing. I'm just letting everyone see.
This is the pride of my collection. Look at the colouring. And this is a thermos clasp for children in the 70s. And it's made by Cello.
It's the Splash model. And it's Playmate, I think, is the manufacturer. You can see that the band is intact. And it also has a little Cello sticker on top, which has been untouched.
Again, adding to the value, so please bear that in mind. It's been checked. Also, another sticker attests to that fact. There it is, the Cello Splash, completing the line-up.
Today's special episode of The Price of Chey. Right, so we're going to give both teams a chance to have a guest. So, if Team Pleb can move to one side, while we have Team Celeb, have a little bit of a look at it. Look at the chain on it and everything.
Stuart, you don't want to smell that. Don't smell it. It smells of curry. It smells of curry?
Yeah. I don't know, it's not about curry yet. You made me do that, didn't you? So you both now have what I think in my head is 30 seconds To put these in order of cheapest at the far end nearest you To most expensive nearest me That literally is, but that could mean it's collectible Now Eli, I just want to ask You do know the price of these, right?
I reckon it must be one of the price of it once You saw that in a charity shop, we'll get a good couple of quid for that I think you're absolutely right, this one smells like curry That's unholy on many levels I reckon that further forward, spoon is going up I think you're pretty much bang on Alright, move to one side so the audience can finally see what you're up to You have said, Eli, can you say What have they said in position number one for cheapest? Monkey claw of doom Right, what's number two? The spoon, the claw spoon Okay, what's number three? Astray of the sky Great, number four?
Cello splash Pardon? Cello splash You mean the flask? It's called the cello splash, do you not listen to anything? Nope Number five?
Red apple post-it note dispenser Alright, and finally, my funny worm I'm pretty confident The most expensive item is the funny worm Right, so team Pleb, it's your turn, have a crack, you've got 30 seconds to move it around Oh wow What do you think is the most expensive item out of all of those? I think the blask I think the flask Anyway, they did spring into action What do you think is the most expensive item? Probably the astray Oh, they'd be psychic Telepathic, yeah, they've got Oh, they share a house, don't forget That is playing right into their hands What do you think is the most expensive item? They've done both The blask was collectible, it's so old Eli or the flask?
Both Right So, Eli, what have they said is the cheap? Are you happy with this selection? Now No problem about touching it So going from cheapest to most expensive here, is this right? Right, I don't know what drugs they're on But I want some place on this selection So, now, just before I go I need to write these down So what they said to the audience at home here We've got cello splash in cheapest position Flask is the cheapest Wanky monkey claw in second position Okay My funny worm So we're becoming more expensive, is this right?
And then the most expensive item And I can see this The pleb team have an eye for quality It is the silver plate tip Porthcord souvenir spoon Ooh Right, so, Eli, you are now You are now about to reveal the order Do you want to place some order in an actual order? Sorry? And then how do they work? What is this?
It's like you've invented a game With rules that are completely subcomplicable Don't hit me! Don't hit me! Are we doing this now? I'll do it Here's what's going to happen You're putting them in the right Fucking hell Listen I have this sorted out You put them in the right order And we'll see how many matchups Okay, so, in reality Start with the cheapest The cheapest item is the spoon Oh, I thought we went spoon Did we not go spoon?
No You put the spoon second Damn it So what's the next one? The wangy monkey claw That came at the happy meal One point for team pleb! What is the third item in expense? It's there It's the challenge Oh, come on So they both got that wrong?
Come on What is the fourth most expensive? I don't know Who's fourth? It is my funny worm at two pounds Wow So, no Then Yeah Oh, actually, sorry Oh, hang on It's not my funny worm I made a mistake, sorry Christ In fact, in fourth position Should be The post-it note dispenser That is two pounds as well Another point for team pleb! And it is cheaper than the two pound funny worm Because I also got A little Pikachu game Thrown in by the charity shop owner Totally gratis So, making that cheaper Then we have the funny worm At two pounds Just two pounds straight No, no That's number five Wait, wait, wait That was number five Yeah Another point for team pleb!
And the most expensive item At two pounds forty-nine Is The sexy ladies on Harley's Riding across the sky With spring action And it should be most expensive Look at the engineering So, I actually did have a prize But I can't remember if I brought it So, what I will say is If I go to my bag later And I've still got it I'll give it to you then But if not, give me your email address And I'll post it to you Because I have a Blu-ray copy Of The Death of Superman Lids To give away Signed by the director So that's what they win Signed by the director Yes, hooray! The next win! Yeah, you made it for the prize Now fuck off! Well, give a round of applause What time is it?
I'm just going to mention this one item What? Go on The gentleman whose name I can't remember But I know it's weird He wants me to auction this chili dispenser Anyone want it? Fivep? Yeah, okay It's yours You do have to have fivep You have to have fivep Oh, he's chickened out No, oh, he's actually getting fivep This is money The money's rolling in on Cheap Show This is a quality item That I'd like myself Well, it's gone up to 10p now Is that it?
He's won it! 20p! There's nothing else for sale, no Especially not by monkey claws He's in trouble Yeah, so that's Cheap Show Ladies and gentlemen Give a big round of applause For our special guest Stuart Ashton today Give a massive round of applause For our other Ashton The Human Hobbit Eli Silverman Thanks very much And I have everyone's Worst CRB check Paul Gannon I'd like you for joining the show If you want to follow us, go on to CheapShow.co.uk Or ask the Cheap Show pod And goodbye! Thanks very much!
Thank you!