Oh, fifth time's the charm. Eight times the charm, ladies and gentlemen. We're having a real problem getting going this week. Now, I don't know about you, but let me just part the curtain somewhat of making a podcast.
And some days you can't just be come out and all cylinders, bam, bam, bam. Sometimes you've got to like spit in your hand and just crease it up a little bit. Coming out on all cylinders. Coming out on all cylinders, yes.
You've got to sometimes come out on all cylinders. Even if you're a bit green behind the ears, you've got to come out by. Well, that's we are, as we're talking, warming up as we go. That's a good segue into you said green behind the ears, but you said at the live show, yeah, when I was wet behind you.
And we wanted to say, didn't we? I'm not going to say that for the proper bit. Again, this is just the cold open where we talk shit now. At some point.
What are the rules of the cold open? I never know. It's like nightmare and I'm the one in the hood. Spellcasting, cold open.
See you and tea. Oh, fucking. I can't find it. Hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, hey. You've got what we can't do now. We're not doing that yet. I don't know.
We're not getting ahead of the show. This is just a nice little bit where I wind you up until you snap and then I go to the credits. I've snapped mate. I'm sapped.
I'm sapped of all energy. Where's my banjo streak? Where's my lazzie ban? He's got his own nickname and he tries to say he's not obsessed.
I decided to lean into your imagined version of me that is obsessed with lazzie bans. The table, I've noticed something Paul. It's not just that you're obsessed with elastic bands. You don't like them when they're out of place.
It's just on the floor. What you're doing? You're doing it on the floor even like that. You must hate postmen with their red elastic bands.
I follow them in the street and when I see one cast the lazzie banned, I grab it. I don't say anything to them. I don't say anything to them. Then you go.
I just go and put a load of elastic bands around my cock and tell it. I know it goes for bread to get into the fur now. And then if I can dropzed off you go to the hospital. I'll grab my cock dock.
Again, Mr. Cannon. Again. Oh, yes.
I'll put some salve on it. I'll get some salve out and I'll rub it down myself. It's like a flocking sausage at the time. It's like a sausage salve, I was putting a vice.
I've talked to a silverman, I tell. Don't you sliver man. Well, why are you there? Why are you?
It's like a silver on the front. Do they have a bit around the back? Oh, fucking. I could do that.
Hey, can I get some sort of an offer? Can you make me prescription or something? I've pulse your prescription. Can't I have a pulse prescription?
Yes. Dr. Doctor I just want to show you my penis. I've been putting elastic bands around it for sexual pleasure and I've a You've split your helmet.
I've torn it. You've split your helmet your band's out of strings and tatters Yeah, it looks like one of those comedy exploding cigars I need you to put some solve on it. I'll do this and this yeah, you've come to the right place yourselves. Yeah Ointments creams creme squeegee.
Can I have your best pick creme please? How do you want better? Yeah, I'll give you a big creme paulters or pig pen pig creme paulters pig creme paulters comes round here Take a second come round here. I'm gonna put a ban on you every time now you say come around here I want to quit and I'm gonna start marking it up.
Oh, right fine. You take it off the fee You're lucky, but I'm getting rid of the 17 different starts We've given this podcast because otherwise you'd be 17 quid in the hole already I'm only judging it when we go live 17 quid in my own doctor silverman. Yeah, stick your paulters on me Alright, I've got fucking last in plans and I'm gonna go. There we go.
It's gonna be it's fucking get the tension really nice So that's what you're snapping on snap right on your bear bum bum I don't like myself I'll see you next week doctor for more of the same Though I hate you and a fucking noodle posse It's that weekday time day day of the week time cheap show daytime week show time for you the listener to have some cheap show action in you I don't know when you listen. I don't know how you listen, but thank you for listening. It's cheap show time It's whenever you listen it cheap show time. Yeah, it's like margarita Vill or whatever it is that song with always margarita time or something.
What is it? I don't know what you're moving on in that case Yeah, hello welcome to cheap show It's the economy comedy podcast where I pull Michael Ganon and Eli Jackal silverman Jackal go through the bargain in the chat shops the powerlands and beyond to bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash and this week Well, buddy how it sources of courses and drinks till we stink what you doing? I'm waiting for you to stop talking Yeah, but I just look at you then and you had this severe sense of despondency And like a moment of real clarity of who you are and where you are in life. Well, sometimes that happens Paul, you know sometimes, you know, you you think have I come this far where am I going?
It's that post-not clarity Isn't it post-not clarity? Yeah, it's after you wank and you go oh Yeah, that's almost like a physical thing with me sometimes what just stuff I don't know why I'm getting like this well fuck it just after you ejaculate yeah that moment of Feeling my stomach like a lurching sort of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah afterwards you feel despondent and empty and disinterested. I don't I generally feel better No, I don't I feel bad I feel better.
I feel better. I'm like you have a dolphin. We'll get right. Why do you have to release a dolphin?
I fucking fantasize about fucking a dolphin Yeah, I also fucking Eli's on go for again this week. Did you realize what you spotted what you let him over inside an old and blah blah blah blah the same old shit Every week at this point you like save for when you're not and surprise us all with a hello I'm be like a little bit too. I'm not a professional. You're not a professional.
Why is this all about me? Give me something all right. I'll give you something. I'll come in and do a thing all right all right God he's gonna do something Vargo Vargo you sat down please just punch with yourself Stared me in the eye and just said Vargo is that is that something it's not a start Do you know this proper podcast out there?
But by now podcast is showy then Paul it behoves me now to ask you yeah This juncture yeah, what are we got coming up on the show today? We have something Eli will enjoy a little bit of the social board I believe a crispy addendum it's got a very crispy addendum a bit of crisp I was just saying it nice fun addendum fun addendum fun addendum fun addendum fun addendum fun addendum The same fun addendum yes, no a new sub segment of the source reports. It's very exciting all source reports very exciting classics We've got innovation. We're always moving forward.
We're always looking for the new source story We're innovating we're innovating the format of source based reports here Paul ever changing ever changing world of sources ever green source Landscapes yes, and we move through the landscape we taste a source we look over there on the grid Oh Flying over the grid it's the landscape of virtual sources slowly turning into a Michael Winslow appreciation podcast all right And then we're also having a super bumper Juice segment what's the fucking so good so the German and I think he's already I've seen it I'm going to find that for me like that Vargo bit. Yeah, which took you know some thinking about told you I'm gonna guess not much thinking about a lot of thinking about a lot of consideration of what is what is the most funny thing to say in that moment But he's out there juicy Jeremy's out there Paul. He's wet. He's got his bar.
He's got his job at Gallop. He has an easy I'm down up. He's out the window. Yeah, oh he looked very greasy Do you know Vargo is a company that makes titanium outdoor kits for campers doing stealth marketing for them?
Oh, it's also an electronic music band composed of producer and scarred who think and vocalist Stephanie Huntermark also pipes Yeah, also a backpack is a lot of things a lot of things in the Vargo It must have just it must have been in my mind a lighter kit and bellows I'm sort of camping as well so you can light fire and then blow it But could you could you blow something up some as ours? Yes? Yes, you can Eli. Yes, you can if you want to It's a lot of ways you can blow someone's ass.
Would that hurt you depends on what you're using? No, it's a normal pumping air into your butt I think if I took a pair of bellows behind sir to the nozzle in your anus Yes, extended the bellows as full as possible and then closed them rapidly That probably hurt I think what would probably happen is your anal cup will feel a little bit of it But the overall pressure difference would mean the thing would pop out and it would just empty outside of your ass You don't think when you're sucking it in when you're opening the bellows. Yeah, when you're spreading the bellows wide Yeah, we're not gonna suck isn't that gonna blow laps your whole lower record? The trick thing is to make sure you don't do that when you're inside the anal cavity.
I would bring the bellows wide And then it's not that wasn't clear from what you said I know and I'd like to make sure anyone listening if they do want to do this this weekend Please remember to extend the bellows outside the anal cavity before you insert it in and then bring the thunder I bring the thunder I'm always excited when I hear stories about people dying of putting booze into their ass What do you mean excited? Stop this podcast I'm always interested So before we go any further just wanted to say last week was our big show at the Leicester Comedy Festival packed house Everyone loved it was great to see everyone after the show. Thank you for all the free goodies the albums the price of Shites the bobble hats that everything everything we were given I've got my invisible bill bow Bill I got all those looking annuals and things we had such a multi-piphon flexi I mean we haven't got time to go through all now, but we had a lot of stuff in overcoming weeks We're gonna spread out we're gonna spread all those goodies out because we've still got make a bit of back log from PO boxes And roll the make it a price of shite every week. We're gonna spread it outside We've got given a bespoke price of shite as well didn't we?
Yeah, so this is why this week is a very liquid edition It's a liquid edition episode of the podcast anyway, there's a liquid edition. Yeah And now Women in my party going for the party coming at my asshole this is gritty gritty party Oh Too Nothing Shit I sometimes have things do yeah, I sometimes do have things beg to differ anyway The large I was really good everyone. Yeah, thank you and look meeting everyone afterwards I said all of this fucking lesson to the show but they want to hear it for me do that they want to hear it for me Do they so I'm not being funny this week? And I apologize there's not gonna be any fun.
It's your output that'll pass 15 minutes I can safely say you're adhering to your own statements right? Oh, you're not being very attractive. I'm trying to be attractive. I'm not trying to turn you on why not sure every week You look like shit come on start yourself up.
Yeah, I'm not tarding myself up for you dress to work I've got a work shirt on dress for the job you want today. You're dressed like a despot You're a little military and so do we did that guy didn't work out So we had to delete it and move swiftly on fuck my life I hate this job I've got a gun and I've got cigar and it's personal and those jokes up one so you're not Wish we could get into the fucking show. Let's do the fucking show then But I was gonna say one little brief more thing in that if you want to see more live cheap show action We will be part of digitize action I'm saying if you want more cheap action you can get it because digitize alive is happening this year details on the digital Is a website if you go to Mr Bifos Twitter account you can get the information there but also on our website we put a link now to tickets for the digitized Show it's happening It's two day events at the Harro Arts Center It seems to be our kind of cultural home for live shows. Well, it's a nice big venue in it Yeah, so we're gonna be there if you want to see cheap or mostly digitize I mean you're gonna be in it will be in it.
I don't know why I'm saying it's also type thing It's not gonna be a show so I'm just gonna be there to support the digitizer brand So you can meet us there as well get involved and the shows are always fun always different and you're gonna have a crazy good time So go to our website or keep an eye on social media effectively get your ticket while you can they'll be going soon quickly Okay, good pull actually admin done that was for me. I've got a bit of admin. I've got a bit of a gun Fuck off this segment's over now Oh, I did you have genuine news? We just try to think of something witty like Vargas to say I wanted to say I'll go again.
Vargo That'd just be so lame if I just said vargo again. Yeah, well, I can say it now Transylvania Coenbrothers movie and Vargo Come with me my dear to the land of my dick come with me My dear to the land of my dick look up and down to this podcast I mean, it's just the worst thing we can both agree that maybe this week maybe this week we're not quite in the zone But hey, let's roll the dice. Let's see what happens. Let's get right into it.
Okay roll up our sleeves Ladies and gentlemen boys or girls of all ages it's time for the source report with you with your very own favorite source my stroke Eli Sylvan ladies and gentlemen welcome on to the stage Oh Oh Shut up that wasn't a good intro for the source report because it was always maybe a very serious new segment here on cheap What the segment cold or what do you like to do you put it in the cup? Oh, you put it on your spoon you open up the lid you pour it on your spoon It's the sort of report No, as funny as I find songs based on Joe Dolchys the shut up of your face. Yeah always Flasher your badge Spratting your badge I'll plop on your clung Shat in your face now. What's the matter?
Thank you. Why are you looking so mad? All I did was open up my arse and scat in your face It's another problem I do a pew Shat in your face for great clue of contact with living this week I need a pool. I've gone to the living into it mate.
I come around here and I've shot in your face I don't know what to do with myself. I have shot myself I am coming here. I can see your face. It is dark in here.
I have no place Oh, I fucking hate myself Yeah, I feel that we need to bring a little bit a little end it little I need to force or clean to make the foreshort your little I need to force shorten. Yeah, our rivaldry and build a drink and right and Repostory. Yeah, and stop the funny stuff because it's time for the serious business. Yeah, it is serious now You got sources for items today.
All right, I've had their special we're gonna end this with a special sub segment Oh of the sort of port something that we've been building up to for years. We could say yeah, it's very important And we get to that but first we have three hot sauces two of which yeah were gifted to me by a kind person Do you know the laws? No, well done. Don't look at me.
You never remember anyone's name. Yeah, but that's my excuse for stop I can't remember the person's name, but thank you very much for this hot sources. Do you know what they look like? I can't remember?
I just I drink in right after the show. I started drinking I Need a poo as well remember that I talk to you better yes No, we spent most of the day before the show focus on where we can find for you to go to drop your guts I went to the Pretamol J and it was one of those sort of disabled no It was a Nero was an hero well remembered and as soon as it hit the water the pan hit the pan side to speak I thought I'm actually gonna get ejected from Lester for this there's gonna be an incident in this Nero yeah, they're gonna have to evacuate the nearer yeah, but luckily it died down the smell of my shit down died down great ongoing content It's I issue content out my bum. Yeah. No in fact in any respects this podcast as we call very similar to your drastic anal exclusions So thank you whoever gave me these hot sauces they were the ones who remember they had loads of rubber bands around him Yes, do you remember giving you like sources with rubber bands on good?
He forgot you and he said he was a guy I think and he said um rubber bands for you Paul So they are you don't really have a thing about rubber You fucking do and sources for me and I bring the source to you for us to taste today on the source report So what do you want to start? Heartbeat pineapple habanero or I'll give you my elastic balance come true Yeah, I hurt my nipple but you say slash my nipple with your lastie band Yeah, but I was just because I want to give you my last you're rated nipple lastie band You cast a suit casser in it me cast a suit casser in it me lousy you lazzie. Oh Lazzie lazzie Walking down the street. Oh, you're so sweet.
Oh my lazzie lazzie. You're my elastic When in doubt e-licing oh lazzie lazzie. I love it when you're twanging He likes the tension over band like the feeling in his hand he likes to stretch it nice and wide and see what's inside it's his Oh That's where we will draw a veil over but I have in my hand two sauce spoons And we're gonna taste I think we should go be a spoon direct the harpant this is bad This is the way you do it. Just pick a sauce right right?
We're going with that one What's that one this is small batch for mentors for mentored? Yeah, it's good sign with hot sauce if it's fermented Yeah, okay, because essentially what makes the big brand hot sauces taste different from each other is their fermentation process To Basko as opposed to like crystal or something like that. You're presuming that that's about to fermented What it is there's always some amount of fermentation, okay, you know, it's like aging a wine or a Scotch or something exactly like that. It's funny isn't it?
You didn't and pickles are essentially fermented true Chorizo sausage is a fermented meat. That's what gives it that kind of tank. Yeah So fermentation is been essential to human just to culture pine intended to get cultures of the like it Now Heartbeat is the brand heartbeat hot sauce quite a nice a heartbeat. Why do you sting when I put it on my spoon?
This is a nice plastic What would you call that canteen style bottle? Oh, yeah, it's got that kind of weird spout, isn't it? It's like a ratchet. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, just imagine so ratchet but in a brown I mean the three feet on our website Yes, but it's a ratchet style nozzle where you've twisted it and you can And administer and this particular sauce port is spout yes Well done, thank you. That could be banking could be one intended vargos Lazy bad I wrap it round my cock hide it with a circle as it as it as it as it now this is from Ontario in canada now You ready to taste this sauce? Yes? We dribble dribble.
It's nice yellow. It's not too watery. It's a bit on the thinner side But it's not totally you know it means quite good consistency very vinegary on the nose. What kind of hot sauce is it pineapple?
Pineapple have an arrow. Yeah, I didn't know you can do that with pineapple. Well, they compliment It's a quite nice smell pineapple yellow peppers onion distilled vinegar Abadero cane sugar lime juice kosher salt. That's all you need.
Well, I have a go it is very sweet. That's nice What do you have that with like pork? Oh, yeah, you know the main thing yeah, wouldn't that be nice? I think that's really nice.
You know what interesting about it is that up front It's quite kind of thin and sweet, but then it does leave a nice heat afterwards Really lovely those flavors go together the pineapple and the habanero are close, but they really compliment each other made with Sleeping Giant Beaver Duck session IPA. What does that mean? What's beaver duck? It's probably just a brand of IPA They use so there's beer in that as well.
I mean it just says maybe sleeping giant Beaver Duck session IPA But doesn't have that any ingredients bit at the end. Oh, no, it says multibarly yeast hops water. So yeah, there's ailing there as well How funny is that common? No, I've never heard of that before it is quite the benefit of that it gives it that sort of This is over medium towards hot, but not super hot.
What do you agree that? It's got some kick, but it's not killing me No, that's not exactly what you'd want really from a hot sauce. Definitely. It's nice.
It's got that nice fresh burst That sweetness and then the heat that heat behind it really good So yeah, it takes is I think quite an important part of it because you have to take to think makes you Appreciate it when you go into the bite or whatever. It's a nice. It's nice. It's a nice sort of refreshing almost finish.
Yeah overall Yeah, all right out of five five. I'll go. I'll go. I'll give that like a minus.
All right cool I would probably give it out of five. I'd probably give it about a 75% That's good sauce good. That's good. That's good.
I'm not opening to the source of pork But it's not reported. It's not off-put. It's got a nice after take. Why wouldn't you choose that as a sort of hot sauce?
I think it was your daily sauce. I think I like my hot sauces to be no like like deeper in flavor like ruffle I can't explain like Richard. Yeah, no more full body. That's quite light.
It's quite light and sort of singing refreshing fine I just had a personal preference. I like mine can't Maybe some smoke this smoke. There's not there's not smoke in that is it? It's very much on the sort of like and you can kind of get the IPA because I've got that sweet yeastie high note.
Yeah, which is Dr. Silverman's got pulses for that. Yeah, hello. I've got a yeastie high note Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
Yeah, the script. I'll describe your hot potter. I think we should go next I don't think we should go for this because I think this is the hottest this vampire slayer I was a hot sauce there then we'll come back to vampire slayer. We don't ruin ourselves now.
What now? What's this generic brand in it? Yes, I've been looking for mothers best Ladies choice me to mothers best Pass your spoon or have some of these mothers best now nothing special about it. It's just hot sauce and I went too long I went too long down oriental groceries.
I think they call themselves. They're these work All this tomatoes on the front of that two for one these were all right I was two for two quid because I want you to smell on this But what the smell is is kind of synthetic it almost knows like kind of wood glue This is thicker than a it's thicker. It's thicker. It's thicker.
You got a kind of weird chemically thing It's no, it's sort of that it's sort of like a cardboardy. Yeah weird. It's a cardboardy kind of smell weird Anyway down the hatch. Oh, no, no, no Fucking hell god.
Oh, that's one of the worst things I've ever had it's not it's like repulsive, but it's wrong It's to the degree but also there's no flavor. There's no it's just vinegar here And then there's a sort of the heat comes and there's nothing That car body that car body. Yeah, it's like plasticy plastic storage box flavor. No wonder they're trying to get rid of it That's terrible.
I mean it's got a bit of heat to it, but then you give a heat to any odd fucking shit So that's not really a market quality good. I can't imagine wanting to use that on anything That's an affront to my taste buds. It's not good. It's not good.
Oh one one of the 18. I don't like that It's just got nothing to it. It's just well. Oh shit.
Yeah, it's just just similar heat level to our first No, that's hot to ride so I would say much hotter, but what that doesn't have is any flavor already I mean it makes the Habanero pineapple look like champagne This is all this is still a good brand. It's not my personal It's a nice source. It's not it's not mother's best. It's not anyone's bed eight more than others best You need a new month more your grandmother's best more like your granny's fucking draw we go is it?
How long does it take them to get from that sort of the funny? I'm going straight for granny's family. Excuse me now. I'm writing Darling, oh you back again.
Oh, I've got to rifle through your neck and draw and see there's any crispy bits I haven't crossed me legs into a last day. Oh, come on. I don't want to I can't let's not do this scenario Well, tell you what we do scenario your granny character. Yeah Oh, come in I've had a problem lately.
Oh, yeah fucking downstairs This week I've got to basically my nipples are I'm like crazy crispy nipples lactating a kind of green egg yolk kind of consistency and It makes me smell it makes me smell terrible. It makes me feel like an old vegetable box in the freezer So you know what I mean? It's a no more granny. I just squeeze my breath a little bit See how it comes out yellow, then green and then a little bit of brown three kitchen there.
Yeah Okay, I'm rising your prescription. Is it full of no nipple pulses? You just put them in your bra Like this right So vampires lace adjust to me devilish no, it's called that because this is a source That is produced by a place called the garlic farm and it's a garlic hot sauce. Yeah, so garlic is a vampire No, isn't true so it's clever clever big gimmicky Sores name always like that these days.
This is seriously hot. It says and it has four exits So I don't know what the scovals are but this is actually right It's a main ingredient in that what is it like with that one's pineapple and stuff is that what anything particular hanging off it as a selling point garlic No, these two doesn't have them seems garlic is its main thing. No, it's got lots of different Lots of ingredients actually and I see what I'll read this blurb that they say. Oh, here we go vampire slayer Intense heat combined with Indian chili provide the power whilst the blend of herbs and lime juice had a real depth of flavor So there are a lot of ingredients.
They're really gone for something here, so put it I'm interested to me put it to me to move. Oh, I'm getting very almost like, you know, it smells like pizza. It smells like margarita sauce pizza sauce Oh, yeah, don't you know? Oh, I don't mind.
Oh, I don't mind. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I smell and the tomato in this I think this has to mark this actually has tomato in as well. It does have a pizza paste kind of feel It's because of the oregano, isn't it or sage?
Yeah, that's a herb mix. I'm going in This is the consistency is much more closer to it's hot. It's hot. It's very similar to the habanero thing We had the pineapple.
Oh, very sweet on the top. Yeah, and then heavy with the heat in the back. I quite like it That would be good on a pizza for the cross. Yeah, yeah, I'll go with that nice.
Oh, that's all right I would put it about the same as the heart beat frankly I think it's got more body so it's got more than what you're looking for It's got more of a bit of a rounder than the habanero. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No both those fine I'm happy with that one. They're both good.
We've sandwiched the ship one in between two good ones I like it. Classic condiment corner. Classic condiment corner. Dilly, dilly, dilly, dilly, dilly, dilly, dilly, dilly.
This is a subsection of the source report where myself, Eli, and my valued friend and co-presensor Paul Ganon. And the Chukney Owl. Paul, don't you want my beak? I will.
I have a talent for Chukney. Chukney. Paul. He's doing an hour.
I'm doing head gestures. I'm giving head gestures. Paul. This is a serious part of it.
Paul's not here. Hey, Chukney Owl. Do you say anything? Do you speak English?
Yes. You do. Do it. Do it.
What could you? Screen fingers reference. What? Go on.
What? The Chukney Owl's voice is changed. It's like in a battle brush. And the Misty Silverman kind of thing.
It was like the puppet show. And it was like, oh, I'm a battle brush. Oh, Mr. Mr.
Mr. Thing. I used to call the presenter, the human being, Mr. or whatever.
I'll be the Chukney Owl. Okay. And you'll be Mr. Silverman.
Oh, Mr. Silverman. I just think this segment needs a character. I'm going to be the Chukney Owl.
I'll start again. Yeah. Hello, everyone. I'm Mr.
Silverman. I still like the word Chukney. It means nothing in your mouth. Yeah.
It's like, I say it. It doesn't sound like I'm saying the right word. Chutney. Chutney.
Listen, if there's one thing you can say about the word Chutney, it's funny sounding word, isn't it? Evergreen. It's the funny word. It's the frickative.
It's the hard frickative. Chutney. It's the up bit, isn't it? Yeah.
It's got... It's a comm sound, isn't it? Chutney. Sorry.
Here we go. Introduce it. Welcome to Classic Tournament Corner. I'm just waiting for my friend who knows a lot about Chutney, and we'll just look around and see if our friends are arriving.
Here! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Mr. Silverman. Hello, Chutney Owl. Whoo!
It's Chutney Time again. Whoo! Just going to land on this branch. Chutney Owl.
Now, what have you been up to, Chutney Owl? Whoo! He says he's been all over Great Britain, sampling Chutneys. Whoo!
And we've got a lovely Chutney for you to taste today. You can put a little bit on your beak. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
OK. Now, the chutney we're going to be tasting. It's a traditional what I call an Anglo chutney, because I did a little bit of research. I like this when you're the owl, because it just means you don't say anything.
It's good. It makes some noises now. Wanker. I did a bit of research.
Wikipedia, of course, about chutney. Chutney is an Indian subcontinental word. It comes from several of those languages from that part of the world. Like, Urdu, there's an Urdu version of the word.
There's a Bengal, Bengali version of the word. So, but it's definitely, and it came to Britain, of course, from the colonial past in that part of the world. And basically, it started to be cross and black well, I think, started to manufacture it in the early 1800s. We!
We! I think the owl's seen a mouse or something and needs to fuck off. Look, there's a mouse. It's a chutney-flavored mouse.
Oh! OK, so it started to be manufactured in Britain by cross and black well, I believe. And cross and black well do like a Branson pickle, don't they, don't they, don't it, Branson pickle? But they do a pickle.
They do a... I wish Paul was here to agree with me about sources. So he's not. And chutney can be a huge variety of different types of condiments.
You can have, like, Eli, I think the chutney owl's getting bored. Yeah, I wish I was here because he's into chutney. She'd like when I talk about chutney. So...
..if very closely related to a pickle, Paul. Oh, Paul! Pickles, yeah. Chutneys are very closely related to pickles.
In fact, in India, basically, the big difference between an Anglo chutney and, like, a chutney from India, or the subcontinent, is that they use mustard oil to preserve, right? Whereas we are much more heavily into vinegar in Britain. So a chutney will use vinegar to preserve the autumn fruits that they traditionally put into chutneys. So, before we go on to taste the chutney, I'd like Paul to come back.
They can. No. But can I ask you, as somebody knows Paul Gannon very well, something else, what are Paul's thoughts about chutney? You don't know.
No, you don't know. What's that? Paul's down a well. Paul needs rescuing down a well.
He's fell down a well. Two miles that, north east of India. No, he's like, get on with it, you fucking prick. Get on with it.
Get on with it. Do you have no interest in chutneys? I don't, but the chutney hell does. But he says, what's your background?
I want a bit of background, chutney background from you. I don't have any. You've never eaten chutney. No.
You've never eaten chutney. No. That's what you just said. You've gone from saying we did it on the show before till now I've never had any chutney in my life.
I don't care. What do you think chutney tastes like? Like chut, like, HP sauce, what bits of it? It's funny to say that because this brand that we're going to taste today, Paul, is Mrs.
H.S. Balls original recipe chutney. And I thought they missed a trick there by not calling it HP Balls because then it was to be like HP sauce. I think there's probably some crossover between HP sauce and chutney.
Cross and black well. Now we're going to pop this. This is a nice sturdy hexagonal bottle. And it's got a nice old, tiny yellow label.
You can see photos on the website, everyone. And I'm going to say this is probably, there are chunks in there. And it's got a gloopy consistency. I can see chunks.
It's brown chutney, everyone. Now, I'm hoping for a nice tangy nose with vinegar notes, but also a deeper sweetness, a sort of stewed fruit sweetness as well. Ooh, you heard it pop the S-resh? Ooh, it smells like jam.
It does smell like jam, doesn't it? Now put some on your spoon, little owl with your beak or whatever. Talons. I'll go talons.
I'll go talons and my wallet is voided moist and open. The owl is tasting the chutney, everyone. Look, it's just got to take part. Ooh, now the owl is made of face.
I want to pull this. Come back through. What did you think of the chutney, Paul? It doesn't taste very chutney-like.
What does it taste like of jam? Like a sweet jam, almost, yeah. It's not a lot of vinegar notes. No, not a lot of vinegar notes at all.
Weird. Would it be nice, though, with some cheese or something? Or in a sandwich? Like, it's not bad.
It's just a pickle, like a brass and a pickle. Yeah, I would, really. It's in that same ballpark, isn't it? What would it just do?
It's too sweet for me. Ooh, ooh. I know what you mean. There's no depth.
There's no depth of flavour there. It tastes like sort of jam, doesn't it? Like a cheap... If someone blindfolded you, and fed you this chutney in the middle of the night, it wouldn't have to be the middle of the night, but I like to picture it.
Someone ties you up, blindfolded you. Ooh! And Minister's chutney says, what was that? You'd say jam.
If someone said this is strawberry jam, you should have made it overwhelmingly just sort of a syrupy. Nothing. Just too sweet. It's like a syruple, almost.
And this is maybe a famous brand of chutney. Very underpowered. I guess it depends on what you want from a chutney. Maybe that's what someone wants from a chutney.
That's all they know. I think that'd be nice, but, you know, like, man, you get in the Indian restaurants, that man got chutney. It's like that isn't it? It's very sweet.
But mine is chutney, it's still to me a chutney. It still gives you the element of a chutney you want. This is just very, very tame, isn't it? It needs to amp up, Mrs.
Balls needs to amp up her spices, basically, and lower your balls. Spice up your balls, chutney, Mrs. Ooh! Right, fuck off.
Yeah, what's that? Chutney, howl? You've got to go home to chutney, though. Ooh!
It doesn't live in the living, you chutney tree. Ooh! And what's that? Ooh!
You've got a special delivery system. Now he's saying. Now he's saying, and what's that? Ooh!
He's saying, and now I've opened it and let the perch shit in my mouth. Ooh! Delicious. That's good luck, that is.
You're getting it's 30 days of chutney. Can't she chat me pellets off the mouse? Ooh! Ooh!
He's off now, he's right away because that was... Honestly, I would say, like, you don't have any of these characters ever. Yeah, but the thing is, what you don't understand is, I was thinking, what way could I ruin this new thing that you're doing in the podcast? I didn't really do that.
Did I ruin it? Fuck this! I'm over this. Ooh!
That noise! Bye-bye chutney out! Bye-bye chutney out! Bye-bye chutney out!
That's the highway. So I said, uh, I've been working on my jalopy for 17 years and I've never been charged that much for a new piston port for the back part of my jalopy. What's an old car that's in it? He said, oh, oh, I'm sorry, Mr Jeremy, oh I'm sorry Mr Jeremy.
I used to know your power, your power used to come in here, we've done the pistons for him and all his jalopy. And I'm sorry, it's the inflation you see. Well, it's only that thing. It's like it's an old car, and those parts are hard to make now.
You've got to spend all that car gets to the heart, it's going to get parked for you. Well I'll tell you what, Paul, my boy, my boy. That's the price you have to pay for having a good old jalopy. She's like my wife She's like my old wife and sometimes when I get lonely here we go Juicy Jeremy uploads his fucking gooey treats to the exhaust pipe of your car And sometimes I like to just take the carburetor out your carb already And I put it in the baby side me and it has the warmth the warmth from today's driving still coming off the carburetor the slats older of oil in the air and it helps me to sleep and I'll pillow down in slumber town and I'm Juicy Jeremy now I'll leave you with that.
I'll leave these I got a yeah, no thanks for popping by it's always very nice to you guys. I'm as much as my boys my boys you are my special little fellas. Oh, oh So you know I was telling you about my bat balls and the side effects of the tea for my spine stuff Well a few weeks ago I did a bit of time travel for a podcast episode and for some reason the butterfly effect of me doing that Got rid of all the effects of the strange drinks you are giving me. So I am now completely cleaned out of the system Well, you'll see how you feel after today's sony part.
Okay. I do want to score I'm gonna go do my class where puzzles and the carburetti in the no we're already back in the jalopy How do you think I drove over here? No, but you're gonna snuggle up to why you're out there was no I only want to get a lonesome in the middle of the night and I think about all the Jeremy's of the past like Jamie Jeremy it was a jammy Jeremy and jalapeno Jeremy which was a nice word but didn't really scan you know There was a there was a junky Jeremy. No, he was a problem junkie Jeremy And he was a crack dealer he used to sell heroin I'm sent to a Gencom Jeremy Well, he was a he was we didn't invite him to the parties after a while fair enough He had a Gencom issue and there was a jam Jeremy.
Yeah, and then there was a yeah I go up mid-julep Jeremy. I don't count you have to say do you live Jeremy or not at all? You know his name and there was a Josh off Jeremy Josh off Jeremy you to ride with me But I'm to the ball then what I'm to the ball Jeremy disaster on the farmstead 1892 there was a no I don't care no I know at this point now I don't care go he likes just parking you car around the corner, so you can go and sit in your car and do the Crossword yeah, do you go ahead and do that though? You know you enjoy these sodies.
There's a good old selection All the soda pops now for you to taste them poor. I did have one little request. Yes. I noticed there was an elastic band Yeah, just just it's just there one I like to try and I like to put it on the carburetor Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Lazy band on your carburetor.
I hope that it makes you feel a little bit better juicy Jeremy Juicy Jeremy put my lazzie on your car and let's just see oh juicy Jeremy and you're happy Laddie band and procrastinate deep Juicy Jeremy made my gravy come out of the key Yeah, that fucking time piss off before I do another bebop song Eli sit down Juicy Jeremy just bored me shit. He's a great fellow. He's a great fellow now But he's left us an extremely exciting soda to throw the jerks to try now We like to taste different types of soda what are we starting with the jet? They we are starting with no fanning about deep down into it again now this comes these two come from Chris He basically says he's found two special edition flavors of marinda That's off drink originally from Spain, but popular cross Europe and these two are Poland specific flavors now Marinda I happen to know a bit about I don't know anything about marinda you see marinda in those I just like a girl called They've been appearing in recent years in the more down market sort of chicken shops You know the ones that calls Idaho fried chicken or whatever sort of Minnesota, you know all those sort of Idaho you do Oh In those cheaper shops, I think they're a lot of shops will use marinda in place of Fanta basically I think they're probably a slightly cheaper than fancy when you buy a bowl well we have to be orange wine It's perfectly good.
It's a perfectly good orange soda. They also a strawberry one. It's not a bit of work for me I don't think it works for soda, but these are special dishes. I'm interested here So we have two flavors we have marinda pomegranate and grape and we have marinda a cayberry and melon Oh, I'm sorry for the pro files there.
Oh, especially the a cayberry melon. Should we try the grape and Is this a soft drink as in terms of its fizzy or should I not have been shaken about it's fizzy? Yeah, they're fizzy drinks. Well, I'm going to now release the fizz.
Just careful It's on the carbonation pressure You know what I think because judging from their normal flavors the strawberry and the orange There's not gonna be a lot of nuance. You're not gonna be able to distinguish great It's gonna be very sweet off the nose already smells like synthetic like sweet knows kind of thing Give it a quick sniff probably has got sweetness in oh, yeah, you know what that smells like it smells of summer berry squash So far Oh my lads It's got quite a pleasing sort of pink cloudiness looks like the kind of pink you get in the mouth wash at the dentist Yes, but it also does resemble what's that big big squash brand like Robinson's or Robinson's summer fruits. I don't know if you ever had that pull the summer fruits can sail in from across the sea Yeah, it's not bad No, but it does have a sort of finish which is a bit long elderflower almost Creamy as well. It's not a creamy finish.
That's not too bad. What's the flavor? Pomegranate it's pomegranate and great. Yeah, pomegranate and great I'm getting a pomegranate that kind of herbal note of the pomegranate at the end slightly It's a bit like elderflower.
That's it to me. You're right when you said summer fruits. It has a generic summer fruits called you definitely definitely does That's not too bad. It's not so bad.
It's not a bit bad. It's not sickly sweet is it? It's more the watery side than the syrupy side Well on a hot day actually was my sin that'd be probably pretty quite nice. Yeah, I mean it's nothing It's nothing to write home about really is it?
Today I had a drink from the lander it was a pomegranate and it was great and mother it was worth writing over but now I'm more excited for this because I love melon. I love the flavor of melon. Akai berry and melon. Akai berry's bullshit Remember that was like a super food from Brazil Akai berries Okay, I'm gonna be a big super sort of super nutritious and they have they have drink thick Akai drink that they're making Brazil I think it's almost like a what's this what's the nose on this like like a hot sauce?
This smells like hot sauce You tell me this doesn't smell like a hot sauce. This is green and pale and this is cloudy Oh, yeah, do you see what I mean? That smells like a hot sauce to me. It has a sort of habanero.
Yeah, right really does Interesting that's called kind of the crossover pineapple habanero melon all have a sort of In the profile of an Akai berry though is it is it? They don't know their little red things. They tried up. They don't have much flavor No, they're purple.
What is purple sort of Akai paste out of it? I don't know covers. I have an image of it. Yeah, they're purple look because these right okay these little purple things They're yeah, okay, but it's dark.
They're dark and raisony. I think okay, okay Okay, my pastor's a fan right I'm gonna have to go see dr. Silverman actually okay, okay, if you know what's good for you, okay We can advertise with scallops Very right pour it drink it green because they've gone for green even though the Akai is purple so they're going for the melon color That's a taste this I don't know about that. I can't get any Akai and it's just a sort of a watery man See but it's very grassy and I can basically almost taste the melon But the two me grass herby notes from and there's a sort of artificial this it's not very impressive now But they're not offensive either on a cold day like on hot day if they were colder on a hot day on a cold day They could be hotter people do drink hot right bean Don't know you like a hot right?
I don't think they've had it. It's nice actually I used to like hot we to big snulk shakes. They shake away to do it I was the same thing, but I did like it. These are probably quite cheap and also for the money fine I wouldn't go with this one, but the pomegranate lovely hot bear.
Yeah, the pomegranate stronger definitely And because it's like that herb that sort of hurt almost elderflower like I keep saying but that's what I liked about that So all right, they're not too bad not too bad now. What are we coming next? Well, I'll tell you what let me just drop us down affected and we'll get straight down into it Right there's a theme to these next drinks There is a thing that we could before with similar kinds of like candies and things We're like based on like we had those water drinks didn't we that the water that was based on there were these They were Barrett's and these are Barrett's as well. Well, okay So we had some water flavored water and they were salad flavored water and wam and wam flavored water And now these are flumps as well added to this, but these are busy soft drinks I think they're busy soft drinks So fruit salad is raspberry and pineapple fizzy drink again based on a Barrett's famous penny sweet fruit salad We've covered these many times before so I'll try we're raising through them now Flumps that we've done before I didn't know Barrett's made from so flumps are essentially a marshmallow Yeah, and it just says here vanilla marshmallow soda.
Yeah, that's why I was gonna say that's gonna be like a cream soda Yeah, it's a nice pink color that might be the best of these because that fruit sat the waters the flavored waters with we're not good at all very It's nothing about what flavor water I don't like anyway Which is the sense of distilling the flavor down to almost nothing and you're getting this kind of official just drink water or juice yeah Barrett's wam which is tangy raspberry fizzy drink. Okay, so Let's start with the familiar fruit salad. Okay, I will now release the fizz these were available in Iceland I believe so yeah, very what what what an astalgic confectionery product would you like to see as a soft drink does anyone need this I know it's gonna sound like this. I know it's gonna sound right But I'd be interested to see if you do to the blackjack.
Yeah, I mean that's one of their brands as well because I could be like a Ruby yeah, it could be the add a CD could be quite interesting. I like kind of CD drinks of the I'm a set so we're the world of booze. It's a big thing Yeah, no, and I'm like, you know, I just like I've always been part of a blackjack candy anyway I really like them, so I'd like to give it a try what would you pick? I'm not sure I'm I this is why I bring it up.
I'm not sure I need a soft drink version of stuff. I enjoy a sweet No, I need it before that nowadays retro things like candies and stuff have become brands in themselves which almost like franchises like franchise Which you slap on crisp flavors or anything anything through through for robbers flavor pens and all sorts I think part of that is the is the technology the flavor technology must have improved in recent years to make it more easy To just put it in things. Yeah, this wasn't used to get the 80s You never want a one-flavoured drink. It was ideally You know, we've all mentioned it a few times in the past but like rather than make one good regu they would vice to make many Ragoons at that it's kind of the same kind of thing rather than just have fruit salads Why not try a drink?
Why not try this? Why not try that? Diversification is a big marketing thing. They lit bombs and things.
You know what I mean? All that so this smells to be fair like salad So I'm gonna give myself a little pour of that over nice fear Yeah, you smell it. Yeah, you can smell it. It's definitely got the smell of a fruit salad candy I'm just gonna I think this is gonna have that artificial.
No, they all will and that's good If anything that's gonna be the downfall of these drinks. Oh, here we go. It smells quite good, isn't it? You know what?
I'll say for it though that aspartame sweet thing isn't really upfront and center like a lot of the back is the back It's got a lot of this it's got a tartness almost like that the Coca-Cola sort of tartness Yeah, that's right. But look it does taste like a fruit salad, but it's thin but it is there Yeah, it's not getting too much aspartame on the back I don't mind it at the back. It's like the front that I get pissed off with it because at the front it kind of negates everything that drinks trying to do I'm not getting to that. I'm not a fan of it.
It's better than the water. It's better than the water But I have vast margin it's better than the water. What we got next then we're gonna go to the Wham I think we've got to have a flunk that's in you. Yes to our pilots.
Yes, right So Wham interesting one wham because I think of one bars their white was speckles in aren't they? They were pink they were always pink. I thought they were white was speckles. They were never white.
My bars were always pink. Really? Yeah, what's happened to wham bars in recent years is they've been they've been castrated They've been softened and thrown a bunch of people proper danger sweets that gum your mouth up rate your teeth off on a certain like fucking Underground danger sweet if you bought them in the summer. They were like tough, but chewy, but if you bought them in the winter They were like daggers in your mouth.
Yeah, they would literally cut your I remember I remember you had proper wham injury. Yeah the kids today. I know they've been back in ball up into the Wham frontier Right here we go so wham interesting though because it's like hard to I think capture a wham in anything other than a wham bar because that Makes you the toughness of the chewy and the fizzing or it's very soft now. It's terribly soft and actual wham by these days I can barely smell anything from this one stick it in your glass.
Let's have a little slice of note And I take what the fizzing too bad on these as well. I'll say that for the fizz is fine I just I it was just too as well to me for me. It smells better in the glass than in the bottle I say that in fact in the glass it's got a nice. It's got hardly any smell off the glass It's much better.
It's got a kind of cherry aid smell to it when you put it in the glass so it's quite close isn't it? It's even much stronger in the glass right down the hatch I mean, that's all right. Well, it's kind of generically raspberry. It's tartar isn't it?
It's less sweet and no yeah unless I'm getting less of the aspartame. Yeah, all right. That's all right. That's quite refreshing.
That's quite refreshing Yeah, you know what? I don't know if it's if it's wam, but it's a nice raspberries. It's a reasonable raspberries soda Yeah, it's all right. I think probably cheap these as well.
I mean very I mean these are all what like basically back in the day They'll just be called cherry aid and raspberry aid and orange aid and stuff. You know, that's what I kind of miss It's nicely tarts. It's quite high-carted tartness. All right, so so far Look you got to remember maybe so far has been the pomegranate and grape marenda Almost say the wam has been my favorite so far.
Yeah, because it takes the raspberry forget the ram I don't think it takes the wambor at all. I don't give a shit This is what I'm trying to say. I need my sweets to be drinks. No, no, but raspberry drink all mung on fine I like that and it's got a fist to it.
It's got a nice fist doesn't go flat instantly. It still contains a little bit of action What I find quite fascinating is no perties. Yeah, they've been like the new kid on the block since the 80s Yeah, they're always like obviously new perties. No, they were expensive back in the day and now they've got the health food thing in the day They position but now they're much more of a sort of mainstream softing me I knew that the status of change when they became part of a meal deal perties.
Yeah, when they became part of a meal deal You thought oh you've lost your crown, you know, like next one the flumps The flumps All of the post-gate thing I don't think it was him but it was definitely stop motion little hairy flumps and No comments. No, well don't you like the clangers? I'm not kind this person if anything I'm much more the bagpuss person than a clangers person. Yeah, I mean I used to love bagpuss Bagpuss is something sort of calming and weirdly dreamy and so yeah, oh coral to it.
Yeah, yeah, right flumps Which is just remind you a vanilla marshmallow because that's the main flavor of marshmallows is vanilla isn't it? Although there is a herb isn't there sort of her called marshmallow I don't know you Yeah, yeah, this again Not the bottom of the trying get it in the glass get more air ratio get the air coming off it and the bubbles and get the good sniff on it It's got the flumps water. There's not much of a sense on this right. I'm gonna go in for the slop No, no, no.
What do you think of cream soda? I like cream soda. It's nice. It's place.
I can I mean I don't mind the taste of cream soda, but I never drink like I've ever Yarned for it. Yeah, I don't you and for cream soda You know for cream, no. Yes dick cream. Yeah, see like I like the milk of the dick titty So this is fine But it's definitely the lesser of all these barely any flavor the sweeteners up front And I couldn't even say if you saw me that if you didn't tell me the flavor that was I wouldn't have guessed marshmallow vanilla It tastes like a cream soda but with a bit more emphasis on the sort of tartness It tastes of smells like a you know in like you get like kids like young girls like makeup stuff Sentin toys.
Yeah, it's that's a thing like that. It's kind of artificial artificial. Yeah, what they're called strawberry shortcake Is that what you're saying does it smell like a sure? Maybe not Bobby yet?
Nothing's a strawberry shortcake. It's got that kind of sense of like this powdery Floral kind of thing. It's a sort of floral. There's sort of almost a palm of violet thing, isn't it?
Yeah, okay, so which do you think of the three Barrett's soft drinks? What's you go with the way I'm gonna go Wamp fruit salad and then flumps just for the record all these are fine and for the money I think you get value for money with it You know what I just I can't get over the aspartame both the flumps and the fruit sound for me has a really strong artificial sweet in the favor That's why I think the wams the best because I think it hides it. It's not a rich flavor up from it does hide it Yeah, now we've got two sodas to go for actually after a bit of a you know mouthwash kind of thing I can taste the marshmallow now, but it's yeah, it's all wet and it's all wet and it's weird He sort of clashes with the tartness of the up front. Yeah, that's you know, let me know.
Oh, no, no, it's not good The flumps doesn't work. It doesn't work as a soft drink Wow is the most successful as a soft in the medium of soft drink now fruit salad right in the middle But we have to end of segment finale drinks to come to and we're gonna get to them right after that rinky dinky sound effect I And now it's time for the grand finale of our elongated expanded and stretched out of recognition soda segments here we go I think we should end on the banana cream outside of the No, I think this is one I picked up what's this called this is called Jaljira Jaljira again, it's a it's Indian. It's a carbolator drink with cumin extract cumin It's got come in this as it is a got come in this no, it's it's cumin in my mouth I said a guy okay cumin Sometimes for sometimes episodes Eli are funny and sometimes they're this week right Um, this is a cumin flavored soda tangy spice and I got this from dolston superstore Which is not dolston superstore is called dolston something local okay, and it has a great range of different sodas They got all of the ones the funny ones that I bring onto the show Paul come from that shop So this is tangy spice refreshing drink with a gira twist I think that they make they just mean the cumin is the Serve chilled fine fuck it right. I'm opening it up get sniff on this what it could be quite nice because you tried this No, this is all brand new yeah This is a new one in the shop that I hadn't seen before but we have tasted that chili mountain gym Which was nice it's got spicy nose not too spicy But it feels more like an ingredient in a sauce than it should be for a safe room in his using savory dishes and savory stuff Interesting right okay, so it's it's got the color of a cola definitely like brown Physi-physi and it's all right.
It knows knows. Oh, yeah, oh, it smells like curry. It's like curry and coke Yeah, yeah, it's like a proper combination of a sort of cola mmm then at the back the cumin Yeah, it's very curry. Do you think it's like that?
Remember we had that uh nissan soda that was the 50th 50th anniversary. Yes the curry side of that had a cumul flavor Yes, and I had a coke base as well. Yeah, yeah, so let's give it a go. I'm going in oh fuck no oh That's got a terrible texture to it.
What do you mean? It's just I can't explain that but like one most drinks kind of fiddle your tongue. There's one kind of like claws at it on the way past It's got this very yeah, it's got a very 10 so clingy sweetness to it thick thickness. Yes, it's kind of go back It's a salty thing yes, it's like a lassi like a salty lassi It's got like a salty lassi No that fucking out can fuck off.