Just waiting for the cheap show boss to take me to the cheap show. No, no, no, no, no, I'm rejecting this contest. Oh, this cheap show boss is late. No, you've done it before, it's completely unoriginal.
I haven't all been up for the cheap show boss before. You fucking have! Don't! Oh, do you know what we have before?
Stardust Cowboy, episode 36 or something. You didn't remember that, did you? That's different. I'm talking about fucking vocal trope.
I told you before we even vocal tropes. You were waiting for this, we waited for that, we're waiting for the cheap show this. I'm waiting for the fucking cheap show, turd plane. That's the best you've got.
Yes, it's a big poom! And it's hoisted, hoisted ball underneath a jumbo jet. Here it comes, Maga Splattertron! Right, good one, glad you've come out the gates firing and all cylinders.
That's it, you fucking angered me. And anger is an energy, you know, I called you. I'm waiting for the cheap show boss. I'm waiting for the fucking boss.
I thought you'd be... I thought you'd be the boss driver. And you'd say, oh, I'm working on taking off on my acting show, please. No, that's...
Don't try and offer me a role. You know, that's the way the boss is finally coming, ding, ding. It's the number of 69. Oh, hello, son, jump on.
Oh, I'm the driver. Where are we going? Oh, merry-ment land. Oh, ding, ding, I'll get on board.
Press the fucking credits. Geez. Come on, you like it. You like being a boss driver.
Here, we go, what is here? I hate you and your fucking noodle-possing. People love noodles. Is it a factory show you can have and learn to fucking accept?
Chee Show. Chee Show. It's a place of shame. Morgana, do you like Selpham?
Welcome to Chee Show. And a girl and a nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Chee Show. It's the Economy Comedy Podcast where my, yourself, Paul.
Your self-organ and myself, Eli Selpham. Go through the bargain into the charity shops and Poundland of Great Britain. Can we drop the Poundlands now? The Poundlands isn't going to exist at some point.
I can call the Poundlands, boys. I don't know. It's not Poundland anymore. It's a stupid couple of quidlands.
That's a ring to it in your intro, though. Yeah, what can I replace it with then? Come on, discount stores. So, charity shops, bargain bins, discount stores.
Has that still? It's still too suitable. Yes. It's done to go out with just.
Before you do your stories, which I know you're aching to ejaculate on to all of this. It's not a ejaculation, Paul. It's simply merrily into ejaculation. It's not.
I will say some words, which will be willingly accepted into the earholes of the listeners, taken in, pat it down. LAUGHTER They softly flow through the air more like dust motes or fireflies than gobbits of spunk. Now, did you want to say midal moth because you said moat? Dust moats?
You don't know that term. Moat? I don't know. No, tell me.
Educate me. Don't be dismissive. Educate me. Come on.
You know, when a beam of light, say, it's coming through a window. Yes. That's from a Venetian blind. Yes.
And angles down and you see a little speck, shaft of like a kind of Chinatown film, the wall, yeah. Yeah, got it. In real life, when you're in a room and that's happening, you often notice a little fleck of something in the beam. In the beam, yes, known as a dust moat.
In energy, yes. Well, I've learned so many things. So, no, I've learned so many things. I've learned so many things.
I've learned so many things. Inanimate moats and living fireflies. When you ejaculate... Well, other than gobbits of...
In dating... You're just a bunch of spunk. No, I'm saying when I speak, it's more analogous to floaty things than to hard gobbits of spunk, which I'm talking about. You're just subject to Newton's laws.
Dead, inert spunk. Sputum's laws. How about that? No.
I'm not an adult. Sputum's law. I'm going to do the content. Sputum isn't spunk.
That's your problem. Sputum is all is spit come down like it though. Come down your mouth like Smuck it. No, come down with my flag spit.
I'll get it. You know, like, it's not funny like spit. It's a comfort like spit. It's in it's got much more consistent consistency.
You know, when you spit though, and it drops off and then it's a dangly bit that can happen with spunk. Yeah. Right. Welcome to the show, everybody.
It's a food based episode this week. I just want to mention your envision very quickly. We announced it last week. Get your entries in now with all you have a few come in.
A few. Trickle in since Friday. So that's exciting. I haven't listened to any yet.
But like we said before, please try and keep them to about two minutes. Do some minute to do the minute. The further away you get from two minutes in terms of the running down your track, the less likely it's gonna be in the show. We're just shacking the fucking bit.
No, not necessarily. And I'll shut it. We just say, keep it short. Please wipe my arse on your two minutes in second track.
There. How dare you? You know, I prefer when you're hogging over action. It's gonna be crazy.
Don't make me say calm down. I love it when you say it. Listen, so get your entries in. We don't kill as your own road.
We don't care what you do. Just two rules. One, keep it as close as you can to two minutes. Don't be a fucking edge Lord and do loads of weird dog shit.
We had a few trucks last time that were really nice. They're like, dead babies, dead babies. I don't want to. That's not what we're about.
We're not about transgression just for the sake of it. No, but naturally the winner will get a trophy this year. More news on that as it comes. And they're close to me, Paul.
And their choice of keep show merch that we will get for them. Am I right? I'm doing a little mine, everyone. Oh, yeah, you're doing it right.
Yes, I'm saying yes. I've spoken to them and they're gonna hopefully work on it more details. Fantastic sounding trophy. You're gonna have that as you will get a piece of merch of your choice from the merch stores wherever you want to get from.
So that'll be the prize. Also get to get for Digi Life. Did you like everyone later this year? I need to contact.
Well, I'm gonna pull out. No, I'm just breaking news. E-lipen out. No, it's not.
It's such a gossip pound. What is it? Are you trying to negotiate a fee? I'm not doing that.
I'm doing that. DJ, Mr Biffow. I haven't done that. I just want to get three, four hundred pound to make it with my wife.
I'm not gonna get out of bed for less than two hundred. Paul, yes, talking. I think that's it. Yeah.
So deadline is end of, well, beginning of May, isn't it? Basically, you've got to the beginning of May to get your tracks into your own vision. Send them to the cheap show at gmail.com. I thought we were talking about Digi Life.
No, we can move on from that. But ticket is a link on our website. I have a fucking segue from when we were talking about Digi Life. If you want to get to Digi Life, you can go to our website, the cheap show.
Okay. There's a link there. That'll take you directly to the ticket at the Harrow All-Star happening later this year. Oh, I can't wait for the live show.
No, it wasn't that. It was something else you'd said. Tell me what you want me to say. I don't want you to say anything.
I'd like to be quiet. I'd like to shut up and be quiet when I do my thing. You just shut up. I will shut up later.
You always make me. Sorry to have a sigh. Paul, yes. It's time for an infrequent segment from Silverman.
What's known as Tales from the Dance Floor. Oh, it's exciting. We have one of them in a while. I have had a tale from the Dance Floor.
Go on. Let me do it. I'll sit back. So I was DJing the other night.
Early in the night. I'm getting things moving. It's a how can I put this out quickly, delicately. There were too many blokes on the dance floor.
Too many dicks on the dance floor. So it was early in the night and it was sort of imbalancing that way. It really doesn't encourage early doors dancing. Everyone would agree with it.
It doesn't help the whole vibe. Whatever you want to call it, blokes aren't generally comfortable to start dancing with each other. They're not that into it. It was a bit of a tough little period for me, trying to get everyone excited.
Trying to get everyone a bit more excited. Oh, here we go. Come up. Big grin on her face.
You said you were going to be quiet. Come on. Sit back. She has a big grin on her face.
She says can you play some UK garage? And then I went no, no, no. She went UK garage. No, no.
We're not doing that. She went UK garage. And I literally at that point directed her attention to the sound guy. He was also there.
You ask him about eight times for UK garage, which she proceeded to do. And then she turns back to me after he said no, it can't play in a UK garage. And goes could you play something? And this really got home to me.
Really, really stuck in the cross. She said can you please play something up tempo and funky up tempo. Oh, that's a red flag and funky double red flag from this young lady up tempo and funky. That's your first story.
It's not very good. It's tells from the dance floor. Very good. That one is it because it sounds fair.
I mean, look, what are your views on that then, Paul? I think it's out of order. I was playing a tune that was both up tempo by some standards and funky by a lot of people standards as well. But funky.
And I'm sure you'd also play. Funky like UK garage. That's not funky though, is it? It is.
It could be that's why it's such a useless term. Funky. It's a completely it's a term that's been almost to me. It's like heavy, bait, lead kind of, I don't know, specific kind of things.
Yeah. There's a cross over there. Funky came before disco, but he's part of that. Yeah.
Part of the DNA. So just a bit of disco. And I happen to prefer disco on the funky side. I mean, I think everyone does.
I agree. Anyway, what's your second thing on your fucking list of things you want to say? I thought you said about it. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. It's a first story. It was wrote.
I've heard it before. It lacked any form of interest in new spin or angle. You brought nothing new to it. So what can I say to your road to tail?
Nothing is the answer you like. Absolutely fucking nothing I've got for you. Right. Second story then.
Yeah. Come on. Oh, well. I broke.
Can you get? Well, I was in Bristol. Yeah. Yeah.
DJ. I know this is like a dance floor as well. Fine. Let's get this.
An extended episode of tells on the dance floor here is part two. I was DJing Bristol. My friend has a basically what they call kids raves. It's not it's not four kids.
The event. It's on a Sunday. It's like kid friendly. Yeah.
Kid friendly, but the music's meant and it's so and they provide like breadsticks and like coloring and stuff. Well, they have some kind of thing to get. Yeah. Got it.
Not the type of thing I normally DJ at all. But my time in life is probably something I'll be doing more of as the years ticked by kids parties. Yeah. Basically.
Yeah. This little fucking kid came up tails from the kids parties and he said, could you play something a bit more and funky? I fucking clipped him. No.
Anyway, so it was a load of fun. Obviously it's an old friend of mine who's one of the organizers, but it's like a totally different vibe, obviously, from what I'm using. There's literally toddlers all swarming around your feet and like screaming and rolling over and you know, the scribbles, the children don't get a shit. I don't know.
They just like to bounce around the man. The music's meant to appeal to the parents. Yes. Okay.
Good music. But at a level volume level that isn't disturbing to the kid. Yeah. That's part of the kid friendly.
That's more than the vibe. It's provided for the kids to get on with. It's said vibe a lot to them. Yeah.
Right. Right. Get to the end of your story. Come on.
Anyway, it's in this part of Bristol called Eastern, which is a lovely, quite run down looking. I've got lots of promise. Why? Eastern promise.
Good one. Good one. Good one. Nice.
And come on. And it's just so sort of vegan, yeah, used to call hipsterry London, but that's disappeared now with all the price hikes. But yeah, still like that in Bristol. And I went to, because I had an empty stomach and I thought I'm going to be slowly drinking all day.
Yeah. And Sunday never suits me. I'm going to go and get some chocolate. Yeah.
You know, just to sort of line my stomach. Yeah. Let's snack a chocolate. I'm really fancy.
Maybe they'll wind it up. No. No. We've got to have furniture or quick make it all up.
No. We're in the chocolate shop, right? Yeah. Head to the news.
Come on. We've got a new hour. Can you stop? There is no time pressure on this.
There's the cheap show. News has come up. This is my second part of my tell from the dance floor. I'm just going to call you up because we've got like a minute left before we get the show.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I can take as long as I like. No. I can invent a cat called Willy rubber.
Willy rubber and his flange and tastic. You need to fucking stop. You've started off now. No.
I don't want to do my chocolate story. I went into the shop. You bought chocolate. What would you buy?
I bought two things. This one. Mr. Popble's Chocolat.
You know, this is a good story. Mr. Popble's chocolate. Mr.
Popble's chocolate. You like the music. Yeah. You for it.
Orange. Sweetly appealing, it says for like Terry's chocolate. Oh, that looks fine. Yeah.
It's chocolate. I made sure it wasn't carob. Yeah, which isn't good. Right.
Because it's a god. Yeah. What's the point? What's the point of the story?
I'm getting to it. Come on. Just give me a detail where I don't need it. Give me a minute.
You've gone full corporate with this. I have not. You've got to be kidding me. Give me a second.
So I bought that one. Yes. And I thought I need a backup one as well. Right.
And I went for this one. On bar sensors. On bar. On bar.
On bar sensors. Yeah. Raspberry and coconut. Right.
Also vegan butchocolate. And I was really hungry. So I was stuck out of the shop. I was stuck out of the shop.
I was really hungry. So I thought I'm going to talk into this, Mr. Popble's chocolate. I'm going to talk and I stand there on the curb and I open this and I put it in.
And it's terrible. It was costly as well. Yeah. Like two quid for that small bar.
Yeah. And as I'm standing there, putting it in my mouth, this voice goes, how is it? And it seems to be the owner of the shop. He's just returning to his shop and he's asking me, I'm like, it's not sweet enough.
You know, yeah. And he went, oh yeah, because it's got this stuff in it. Yacon syrup. And he said, it's this is so personal.
He was like, yeah, we're going to discontinue it. Of course, you are. It's shit. He says, we're going to discontinue it.
But the guy makes it. He makes his own yak on syrup and he's really nice guy. And I'm like, I don't need to blackmail him by choice to buy a chocolate to light my tummy before I go and play soft rock for kids. That's what it's like.
I wasn't playing soft rock anyway, but this avoid stuff that claims it's sweet with yak on syrup. Well, Mr. E like, what the fuck is yak on syrup? And he's like, it's like a root.
He pulls his root and makes a yak on syrup. Yeah. But then I thought, yeah, like, I'm going to taste it. No, because this segment's now 16 minutes and I'm fucking checking out.
It's a food episode. Don't care. Some of this. Oh, fuck me.
Here we go with the fucking Mr. Popper's chocolate. That's just bad. That's dust.
Chocolate dust. There's no sweetness. The yak on. That's horrible.
Do you know what I mean? What a lovely story. Anyway, but he was a friendly guy. But I was just, I tell that story more as a sort of illustration of, I feel like I'm eating soil.
It's awful, isn't it? That's weird. Really, really, so oily. Well, it's very high cocoa, but there seems to be a bitterness from the sweetening age.
Well, it's a bit crunch from that. If you're going to do the high chocolate, so you get the bitterness, but the crunch and the firmness. Well, you want some sweetness stuff through the bitterness, but it doesn't do it. The yak on poppers chocolate too crumbly in my mouth.
Right. The on bar. We got a door to the on bar. No, we got a door to the on bar.
Just to finish the story. No more story. I had some of the story as you bought shit. I'm gonna tell that story.
I did have that and it was much better. Everyone thinks I'm a cunt. How about that? Is that what it is?
No one thinks you're a cunt. I'm boring now. My story's a boring. What are your stories?
Your only stories you ever fucking tell? Oh, someone's shouting themselves on the tube. Brilliant. Yes, my story's having edge to the sense of fucking danger.
A threat level. A sense of impending doom. I'm gonna try to on that chocolate. Yeah, well, you didn't.
So I get nothing out of it. So that's it. That's this segment over with. We're not heading into the show.
You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.
That was not a segment. I apologize to what? To me. For what?
For those stories. It was good. Listen, you, we need content. My moat wrote stories about chocolate bubble man.
I don't fucking give a shit. The show goes on. Talking about the show is going on. Yes.
I can't fucking press the shuttle. Eli. So I've got bad news. I went down to the League of Snacks Temple, the holy ground of where all the facts and figures are kept.
Well, that whole space that was underneath the podcast. Yeah. No, what happened was I went down and I went to check on some of the files and I set off a booby trap. And the whole walls came down and they bowled through an actual runaway.
They've bowled. And I've died out the way in the whole thing collapsed. So the League of Snacks is no more. Wow.
It's been lost now. All those records lost a time. All those records lost. That was that scientific work that the League put in.
But don't worry. I've got a new idea. A new young upstart segment whose plucky little demeanor gives us a lot of promise for the future. And it's a segment I'm calling.
But at that, you know, the Snacks star. Snacks star everybody. Snacks stars. Now League of Snacks and Christmas is no longer an out snack star.
Explain the concept to us, Paul. League of Snacks is dead. Long live Snacks stars. Yes.
Explain the concept for everyone. Now League of Snacks and Christmas was quite a complicated way of us analyzing crisps. We had a whole four metric system. It was way too complicated.
And we forgot what got into the League and what was, and we didn't want to do crisps that were like fly by night. Like no fly by night. They had no place in the League. Now are you addressing that issue of like sound alone?
Weird. Independent crisps. Yeah. You know, Chris from Lands of Far.
Because I have bought a storage locker where we will from now on put our hallowed crisps. The crisps that packs muster on this segment will now go into the hallowed storage space of fame. That's a really shit idea Paul. It's a really really awful shit.
We've already shot this out before the show. It's the Snackshell. Snackshell. Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
Or the bin bin or Snackshell. From now on when we come and I say it out loud. This all sounds shit. We need to think of where we can put it like a pillar.
Temple of crisps. No, we are temple crushed. I thought something based on the pantheon. Wait, what about something based on the pantheon?
Can you get the snack palace? The snack palace. They'll get entry into the snack palace where these crisps will live a life of luxury from here on in. On plinths.
Yeah, but now you're answering the point. Get the plinths. Plinths of crisps. They're not doing that either.
They'll go in to our snack palace. I've got it now. Chris Plinths. Sounds like a man.
A band's name. Hello, I'm Chris Plinth. Listen, this is going to be simplifying. Now you've got a whole palace and living.
It's simple. Walking around in the palace. Having sex. I can eat as Julius crisps.
Getting fed great. So something. Chris Bo Patra. No, I'm thinking.
Here comes a pack of the crisps. Oh, I don't want to be a crisps. Listen, go back and go. All right, you like Paul.
I would like to very much go into the psych palace. I think I've got the chops. Right, we'll make the judge of that. No, no, no.
Yes, you're going in. Or no, go home. So it either go palace or go home. That's terrible.
I can't believe you came up there worse than snack shelf. So this will anyway, can I just bring a moment of clarity to everyone here? It's one moment of clarity. Post not clarity.
So post crisp clarity. Nuts, crisp nuts. Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, very poor. Cadbury's fruit and nut now.
I'm only clarity. So raise to the bottom this week. Similarly, similarly go on to our classic segment Silverman's Platters where each item that we review is either a Platterous Platter. We're taking that concept where something's either in or out and we're applying it to what used to be the League of Snacks and Chris's.
Which I said, we had a complicated ranking system before four points and often came across as sometimes unfair and unbalanced. It was hard and it was controversial. But now we'll just say whether it's in or out in or out. I'm just dumbing everything down.
It's the inshitification of cheap show. The inshitification of cheap show. It is. But anyway, I have to agree with this one.
But I'll just watch out. Well, look, our first inductee potential inductee to the snack palace this week is one that we've been asked to cover on Twitter and a few people have said they've tried it. They've given their feedback. Now it's our term.
The official stamp of quality and knowledge. It's our term to judge. Now, Paul, what do we decide upon? When we taste this, Chris, which I'm looking forward to much, Lee.
Yeah. When we decided it's a snack star or it's gone too far. I can work with that. Whether in the palace or I go in the palace.
All right. But then it ends up on the snack store or you've gone too far. You go, you're a star or you're on the par. Yeah.
How about that? Okay. All right. See, negotiation, Eli.
It's a beautiful thing. That's probably not going to be the last word on that. But it's still going to a snack palace. We're just workshopping this completely.
Anyway, here's what we're doing this week on snack stars. It is the Doritos Burger King flame grilled Whopper flavor corn chips. Whoa. Now, what do you think?
I think I just read out the back of this and I'll ask you a question. Doritos is what says we've partnered with Burger King to bring you irresistible new flame grilled Whopper flavor Doritos made with more corn for the perfect crunch. In celebration, we're giving you a free Whopper meal when you buy a meal at a Burger King restaurant. All you need to do is claim your free our blah blah blah scallow to shit and give us your details.
Well, and then you can get two meals for the price of one. Yeah. Well, I don't want to. Not one meal.
No, not worth it. Eli, what do you think then? You're going to expect flavor profile wise from a Doritos Burger King flame grilled Whopper. There's going to be a smokiness where they try and replicate the kind of flame grilled, you know, that kind of slight burnt beef.
Yes, which is what Burger King go for. I think they do spray that on. They paint on the grill lines. You know, I partly in this there's whopper seasoning then just onion powered salt flavoring sugar potassium.
Yeah. Now, it's now I'm not as familiar with the Whopper as I am with Donald offering the Big Mac. Yeah. Does the Whopper have a special proprietary source?
I don't know. You know the way there's Big Mac source. Sometimes Big Mac source gets transferred to other products, which is I think I totally am in to it. And I think you know what they should do as well.
What? You know, they've got those slightly posh sources at McDonald's where you get chicken selects, you can have like a cream chain and chives. They go all out. They should have Burger Big Mac source available as one of that in that range.
Hello McDonald's. How haven't they lobbied for that in the past? I'm sure they've had that whole movement. Are you?
Yes. I'm glad you stand up for something. Paul, it's things I want to say about this Chris before I tell you what I think it's going to say. Go on.
They say we've collaborated with Burger King. That's because the parent company is the same for that. I'm sure it's like young foods or something like that. And they own Doritos.
I think they own Burger King and Pizza Hut. And I mean, this is a Walker's product. Yeah, but lays Walker at own bike and delays own Pepsi. Yeah.
Okay. See what I mean? I'm pretty sure Burger King is in that camp. So flavor then.
Well, we've had these before. So what I'm going to be before we've had Burger Flay, cheese for like, yeah, without Burger Flay the Chris or some sort of this. Potato ones. No, not corn ones.
I've never had a Burger Flay the Corn chip. That's for sure. Burger not included. It says at the bottom.
Why don't you expect that? Why don't you expect a bag of corn chips and then a patty in the middle? Probably just covering their arses. Why?
Because I bought your dumplings and the water said that it's all burger inside it. It said Burger King on it. Where's my burger? Now, Oreo, I'm hoping for a kind of Burger sauce flavor, a sort of tomato-y ketchupy note.
Okay. And I expect there to be a sort of bird smoking, like I said, a smoke, a slightly burnt. Yeah. Which is the only thing that sort of different rates are whopper from like a big Mac.
You know what I mean? Yeah. They're flame grilled. And I would hope to have a gherkin note in there because I think it's very important.
No, yes. It says on the front it shows you a kind of animated deconstruction of a burger and you've got a little pickle there and stuff. So there's a pickle in the artwork. So that would be nice.
It's time to do it. Here we go. I'm going to. What's the knife enough saying?
He said it doesn't not smell like a Burger King Burger. I'll give you that. Have a smelter. It's quite a little bit of a burger.
Oh, there's that smell. It's just that smell. Well, I'm excited now. It's almost peanutty.
But you can smell the gherkin there as well. Yeah, it's got that it's that sort of sweetness of the gherkin that tartness of the gherkin on that. It's weird, but you can almost smell the seasoning and the lettuce and the tomato. That's what I mean.
That's a grassiness sort of a letter letter. A letter C smell for one of a bit. Well, go on. Grab one.
It doesn't not smell like one. Smells quite burger-y. Do you know this? It might be pretty good.
Well, we'll see. I've grabbed a few. Now, they say they're more of a butter. They are not.
No, they look thicker than your standard dorito, like they said. They look more robust. Right. Let's eat it.
Okay. You definitely taste the burnt beef thing. I'm not getting any of that burn. Really?
I'm definitely tasting the charcoal in that. Really? But then they get super sweet towards the end of the tomato, we wait. Definitely.