Welcome to the Eli Silverman show. Hope to buy Eli Silverman. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli Silverman. Hello.
I've got my bit now. This is all your show this week. I'm not feeling a little. I'm poorly.
Poorly. I'm fine. And neither do I have a hangover. Sorry, it's your show this week.
So go on. Is it my show this week? Is that an actual? Is that an promise?
Go on. Show this week. What does that know? I'm not just going to accept this, because there's going to be some kind of hitch, isn't it?
Tell me. What are the terms of it being my show this week, Paul? You're in charge. What the contract?
And do I get you to shut up? You must shut up for the whole time I ask you to shut up for. Right, so you can't answer me now. That's it.
That's the only rule. I get to turn you on and off. You're always fun to turn me on, but you've been turning me off for years. Ooh, like I've ever been trying to have sex with you.
Or get you to do anything to me of that night. You have. No, I hope for nocturnal bum kissing. Yeah, you do.
I know. Anyway, sorry. I'll stop. It's getting out of control.
I wish you shut up. It's my show. Actually, there's a new character on the show. Oh, Paul.
Wait. Who I wanted to introduce to you. They are quite shy. Yeah.
They are obese. Beast of the field. Oh, I see. All right.
Oh, no, I see. Paul, he comes up with big daddy, big foot. And Eli is like, oh, that's it. Paul comes up with a dolphin dolphin.
Once again, Eli considers the concept. I don't know what you're talking about. It looks like for some reason, Eli's got some kind of feral animal character ready to go. So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Les Jamel.
Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, here is Doper Mink as in the Dopamine Mink, Dopamine Mink. Yeah. I hope I can give you a pleasure. Dopamine, wah.
Wiggly. Can you give a pleasure? Come on. You want some?
You want some? The Eli Silver Show has been canceled. Oh, come on. No, this is awful.
Just an ant service. Ant service. Dopamine. You're the critic.
Welcome to Cheep Show. I hate you and a fucking moodle-posting. Is there the fact that Cheep Show you're going to have to learn the fucking except? Cheep Show.
Cheep Show. It's the price of shy, Paul Ganon. Eli still wouldn't. And a girl with her nose all.
You had your chance of you. Obviously, I told you. What a charming little fella. I think you should pay for some of his services, because I have Paul.
OK, so let me just run this idea through. Dopamine can offer hand relief. Yeah. Or both ends, actually.
OK, because they're very twisty. No. So you can actually be on one end, so to speak. And they're like ferrets.
They're in the fan lost to die, which is ferret family. Yeah. Which has whip-its, ferrets, things like that. Things like that.
Nature. Whippilow. Martins. And you could have the dopamine, because it's like dopamine, which is the pleasure of the game.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just want to run this theory through. No, no, I want to run this theory through. You can have a one end.
Because it's so twisty. Yeah, all right. Now, this is all well and good. The details aren't the important part.
You can have him one end here, like a loofah. Like a loofah. Like a ferret loofah. Like I'm rubbing my perinean with a towel.
Yeah. All right. It's funny, please. I'll get him back.
No, wait, wait, wait. I just want to logically see this food. So just bear with me a minute, right? Forget the details of the actual sex act.
I'm sure they're all very pleasurable and affordable. Yes. My point is, you said to me, you should take up some of his services, right? Yes, I mean, that's his.
It's been on the game for years. And you want me to do this. However, you are that character. So are you suggesting that you would like to have me pay you for pleasure, which going back to my earlier point, how is this not you wanting to have sex with me?
You're wrong. I just need to say that on all of those things. I'm happy. I'm happy if this is the character you need to be for.
Listen, if you buy some of the ferret services, you can make the minkservices. Yeah. You want to hear a bit back story about the minks? No, not really because rescue from becoming a fur coat.
But rescue from being a fur coat now does sex acts. Yeah, he needs must. Musque needs must. How about that?
Fuck that. It was perfect just for that guy. We're moving on. Well, we're going to show the economy company podcast.
Well, as ever, every week, Eli and I go for the podcast. No, no, the discount store. We go for the sale again. Every week, every week, we go through the charity shops, jumble sales and discount stores.
And the thruppity shelves. The thruppity shelves. And bring you the cheap fun that we find amongst the trash. And today it is a nice trip back to my sweet shop.
The one that I opened up recently that I'm in charge of, therefore negating any characters necessary for that segment. I think that character, you know, you're saying that I am a character. Paul, Gannamour, sweet shop man is different. No, I'm not saying that.
He's not just right. He's not just right in the duty to him. Hello, Paul from the sweet shop. Come in.
Hi Paul. How are you doing? How are you doing? I'm starting.
It's again. Stop multiplying Paul's. No, it's a third one. No, no, no.
It's not a third one. No, no, no. Paul's going to be quiet for that second. Oh, sake.
So we've got to go back to the sweet shop today to try some nice cheap treats and also we have a tail from the shop for mostly because a lot of them have been depressing. As I'd like to say again, the entries are still open for your Envision. Send your entries no more than three minutes, no less than two. Two, the cheap show at gmail.com.
We are gathering tracks for your Envision, which will take place in June this year. You haven't been getting them in. And we've already received some admissions. We've had a few dribbles come in.
We've had a few dribbles come in. I was going to say as well. I was going to say as well. When you said we're open to entries, send photos of your entries.
So do you want everyone to start sending people their arse? No, I don't actually. Paul, I'm just trying to lighten the tone. Oh, yeah, I'm going to like the tone.
Please send me your party. Pussy flaps, please. I don't want to see anything pieces labs. I'm sorry.
I've farted. I've farted. It made it. Oh, right.
Oh, is that your old grand? She's departed. If you're the part of the old grand, you're part of the flat. All right.
Fuck it. Oh, no, this is not that funny. Sorry. You don't know the first shot in there while you're at it?
No, no. It's not good word. It's not very pleasing your eyes over that. It's the sort of the chain of causality from death to vaginal widening.
And then fart. You're on it. Exhibit A for why your eyes remain single. Fuck me.
Oh, tell us and then we'll go on. So if you want to get your your envision entries in, look at the metadata and your signature entries in this information. Not by this information out. So people can at least know what they're doing.
Email your entries, thecheapshow at gmail.com. What have I daily mp3? If you've got to get them in before the beginning of May. And if you want to more information or you want to go in on, look at the description of this podcast, I'll be linking to emails to all the other your visions we've done.
No, I said two minutes is fine. A little bit over that is okay. If you get closer three, you got less chance of being in the final. Oh, you changed the rules.
I said this last time. I said this last week. I can be up to two and a half minutes then. You have to be clear because then we're going to allow one 12 minutes sweet.
No, I'm saying the close. I'm doing a broke entry. The close seat you are to two minutes in your runtime of the track. The more likely you will get through to the final selection.
Okay. You'd have to be a very, very good song indeed to Warren's longer running time. I guess a two minutes, 30, three minutes. All right.
Four. Yeah, fuck off four. I find you don't want to be to have a clear time limit. That's fine.
Don't constrict our peoples. I'll constrict them. And just to be clear, do not send photos of your entrances. That's not an insane for what if the picture of their front door they have?
That's fine. I do people's front doors or a nice gate or a nice gateway. Gateways are like gates and alleyways. What about turn styles?
Eh, not so keen. No. All right. Well, don't send pictures of your turn styles in there.
Turn styles. That's the way that those things are having the countryside where you stand on the plank. That's more of a style, isn't it? That's a style and a turn style.
I don't think it's like a gateway, isn't it? It's like a kind of rotating gate that keeps people, you know, but it comes from styles, which is the old fashion version. I mean, I've changed it. When they turn, it's a turn style.
I don't know what you call those bits in the country where it's got like a little kind of, you know, like you move it. Yeah, they have those around here on the new river. You know what I mean? They have an urban one.
Oh, sweet gates. Let's do a new podcast about gates and hinges. Welcome to Gate Show. Send photos of your entrances by which we mean your art song.
Please send pictures and gates. We've discussed pictures of listeners ourselves. Oh, the cracky of the better. I need to wet my whistle.
It's another break. I need to wet your whistle. I need to mean like this refreshing bottle of nice cold water. I'm going to have a nice level.
I could do with wetting my whistle. I'm going to get myself a glass of water. Scootch it. Scootch it.
Scootch it. Scootch. Scootch. I don't know what to say.
You know, I haven't got me. It's like good practice. If your podcast host has nothing to say to his co-hosts. Well, I can always just hand over the reins to me and say, you know, say something about any subject.
I'll talk about this. I'll talk about that. I'll squish it up. And I'll tell us from the disco lights.
No. So that's it, right? We've got that coming up and that coming up and this coming up and we've got a show ahead of you. That's good, isn't it?
It's cheap show. It's good to have a show. We've got nice names to taste before we have a tells from the dance floor. We should get to that as soon as possible.
I don't know why you've got this thing going. I've checked out. I keep trying to end it. But you can't end it.
Can you? I'll do an ending for you. You know what? End it.
All right. Eli, think about this carefully. If you bring in that mint character. No, he's got to come back.
Doesn't he? No, he hasn't really. Come on. All right.
Dovamik. Dovamik. Yeah, come on. Biscuits.
Come on. Okay. Hey, hey, the dovamik. Hey, so, yes, your friend decided what he wants to do.
Why does he sound like Jimmy Biscuits? Hey, I don't know. He's a little... Yeah, that's me.
I'm a dovamik. I have a psychological problem. The longer this character goes on, the more I worry it's going to fall into horrible races. No, no, no.
So, I just want to move swiftly on. I'm a dovamik. I can't compete. You know, just make.
You need to be a mint research. No, if you need to make him say like a rabbit. Don't say rabbit to me. I can't take this.
I don't want this anymore. I don't want this all you all that character. I do want to have sex with me for money. I make a feel good.
I don't want to meet. That was gangbusters last week. Gangbusters. Brought the house down.
Your mink is putting the house back up slowly. Anyway, I leave my menu. Okay. And menu.
Let's have a look at the menu. Here you are. Shilling. Hand job.
Nice little soft pause. Topons. And the type of creature who lives in the water as well. Topon, they're a classic, they call it, which means I have a nice soft pad, but a bit of a bit of a...
Boches, how you say, purchase on the old knob shaft. Topons. I'll go now. I think you should go.
I'm just going to take topons for arse play. Oh yeah. It's not very expensive. I'll go.
Yeah, please go. This has not worked. Okay, like, no, no. Okay, little fella.
Come on, I've left loads of cheese there and there. Cheese everywhere. Right, now that you've got that out of your system, no, he's got this. Fuck you.
Get out. Stop tap dancing as well. Oh, off he goes. Hopefully forever.
Can we move on? Yeah. Hello there, my children. Sit down.
It's time for one of my favorite sections of cheap show. Why? It's the Tales from the Shopflow section. And I'm here to introduce to you a lovely story.
And I hope you enjoy it very much because I enjoyed reading it and I hope you enjoyed listening to it. Shall we begin? Huh? I don't understand.
Why is that voice? What's that voice for? I don't... I just brought my name in.
That's not your name. You don't want, you don't want to put your real name around me. What are you going to do with me, boy? It's your mum didn't.
Wait, what are you doing with me, boy? I just want to start this over and again. Come on, boy. It's very poor.
Oh, I'm sorry. All this coming from dopamine. Even the name has lifted my mood. It's obviously a work of genius.
That mink. Whatever he's care to say about him, his smells, his profession is a resident. I'm Manny Storyteller and I want to tell you a story. Where did you get the story, Manny?
Storyteller. Well, I part my flaps and out slides the story in a nice little tube. You keep story tubes up your snatch. OK.
I'm listening now, Paul. I'm listening. We've got there. We've got to the...
We need to unmask the concept. OK? We need to get to the concept. I'm going to go ahead and agree with Eli from five minutes ago.
OK, everyone, we'll start again. Get back. I don't like it. You nearly immediately get to pull it back.
I don't like the idea of an old lady queefing up to do all that we read. I do. I regret it. OK.
I whole... I wholeheartedly regret that concept. OK, so let's start this section again. We haven't done this in a while.
OK? We'll just do it normally. We'll just do it normally. Hi, everyone.
Welcome back to Cheapshow. Hello. And now it's time for a segment that we haven't done in quite a while. But it is a mainstay over the years, Paul, of Cheapshow.
And that is Tales from the Shop floor. Stories, incidents, little anecdotes from the world of retail. So I've just charity shops then expanded into all kinds of professions and businesses. And now I'm going to pop my bum, and squeeze out this week's story.
Oh, it can't come in with chocolate, man. It's chocolate today. I've got to just squeeze out this week's story. Give me a gillius of an embolism.
Oh! It's a difficult story. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh, it's a naughty story.
Is it gnarly? Is it like a log with walls? Walls. He's dying of pooping noise, everything.
Let me just clean it off. Who sent this story in? I'll sniff it and find out. This one comes from Adrian, unless I should read the email and they say, don't use my real name.
I wouldn't say anything about not using their name. So we're going to do it. This one comes from Adrian, and it's a Tales from the Library. Hello, Adrian.
Hello, Adrian. And here's the story. I can't wait to get into this. We haven't done it in a while.
It's a nice little bit of fun and the 10 or so minutes it will take to eat the story. Should he heal my bottom up considerably? Yes, because it feels like right now it's like a box of ear. Well, you're punched hard.
He's bleeding. He's our soul. Your ragged asshole is bleeding. Where the huge spiky story came out.
Imagine taking a donut and stamping on it. That's what you're looking at right now. Are you happy? No one's happy.
I'm really not. You're right. The truth. No one is.
Right. Here we go. Two my dearest loves Lady Paula Ganonberry and Dame Eileen Silversquirt. Bit too much effort.
Generally, we're not going to do it. But we're not going to do those characters. I do like Silversquirt. It's quite a lot.
It's like a bomb film for something. Shout out. Round round round round round round round round round. Hey, Squirt, Squirt, stop the iPhone.
Come on. He's Squirt. He's Squirt's at the what? The iPhone tower.
Okay. Yeah, you did say that. Oh, oh, oh. I'll be doing it.
Oh, I'm James Bond. James Bond. And I'm here to see you. James Bond.
I'm James Bond. James Bond. And I'm here to see you. Silver Squirt.
You'll never catch me alive. What's your big plan? I'm going to squirt the iPhone tower. Ooh.
Oh, Silver. Silver Squirt. He's squirt. He's squirt in the eye of love.
People are not enjoying this. I am. And I think that's mostly more important. It's killing me.
Silver Squirt. Wrong word. Here's the guy. He's got some spunk in his eye.
Hmm. I see you've got a henchman called Thromknop. Thromknop. Oh, shut up.
He's got a good Thromknop. He should be mute. Who? Thromknop?
Like, uh, what does he throw the door round? He fucking shuts him up. No, maybe he beats people there. Poisoned spunk.
Shut up. That doesn't even work. He's got poison spunk. This is good.
Because then you could fling it. Silver Squirt would be good. Because you could argue. His thumb is like mercury.
That's why he's called silver squirt. Yeah. I'm James Bond. James Bond.
And I'm come to take you down. Well, my spunk is like mercury. And I do some maintenance to the Eiffel Tower. Do you expect me to talk?
No, it makes me watch me. Spunk. At the Eiffel Tower. That's it.
It's Rob Knobbe. He'll fucking poison you if he's come. Right, Paul. On a serious note.
Really good stuff. On a serious note, Paul. Yeah. He would be good.
He would be good villain. Villains henchmen. Because he could not only put the poison calm into someone's martini, say. Yeah.
Yeah. He could also fling it. Because it's corrosive as well. Yeah.
See what I mean? It's all round henchmen weapon. He likes to shock his mark. Now I just said my bit now.
I've done it. Right, here we go. Here's a tell to the shop floor about something vile and disgusting, as per usual. For context, this took place in the great state of Montana, USA, a rather late 80s, very early 90s.
Oh, it's an old classic story. Period, please. At that time, I was a literature student doing my internship at a local library in a small dusty town. It sounds boring, and most of the time it was.
But it did mean that I could spend most of my days studying up and relaxing with a few hundred good books. I don't understand. It's a student's but he's working at a library. And it's not very busy.
And it's unpaid. And internship suggests that, doesn't it? Yeah, I guess so. But you know, he says he has to join.
He gets to the read books. He's in the library. Yeah. He's got that library smell.
Lovely library smell. Yeah, that lovely, musty library hall of stories. You know, hall of stories. We never have a nice amount of you and responsible for sourcing the books.
Why? Because they come out your arse. Anyway, he's in the library. He's at the works of the library.
The most notable moment joined my entire time there happened one sunny Saturday afternoon. On that day, an older woman, around mid-60s, came in, picked up one of those cheesy romance novels with a half-naked Fabio-looking guy in the cover, sat down on one of our easy chairs and began to read. So you started waiting for something else there. So no problem yet.
She was being quiet and decent for the time being. The trouble started when she got up to go to the bathroom, taking the book with her. At this point, as always, I'd like to suggest to Eli what happens next? She's going to bang a button in the store.
She's going to launch the new, cos is she? Yeah, she's going to. Yeah. All right.
I thought there'd be some kind of masturbation thing. This is what I mean. No, no, who wouldn't think that, Paul? No, I think you'd be all the time.
No, it's a romance novel. She's gone to the Lou. It's like, what would I do if I took a romance novel to the Lou? Yeah.
Except you wouldn't make a novel. You'd take a razz, Mike, wouldn't you? I know. Sometimes I'm like, classy.
I can't really get off to the written word. People do like erotic wordies. No, no, no. All sorts make to take a world.
No, I don't want to assume. I don't want to assume. But what I'm actually thinking, what popped into my mind for the end of the story, Paul? Yeah.
It's there's some kind of discharge from her, and it's sort of someone has to wipe it off or something. Right. Well, let's crack on and find out. So when I saw her go, I sighed.
For sanitary reasons, our library's policy was that any book taking into a bathroom had to be purchased by the person who took it. Oh. In some states, libraries could legally sell their stock for up to three quarters of the price and still listen on the back of it. I went over to tell my book.
So essentially, it's against the rules. Just say if you take a book into the toilet, then, you know, you could be getting all kind of poo or piss particles on it. And therefore, it's not there to put it back on the shelf for another person to take over. Well, piss wouldn't be as too much of an issue.
Yeah, but if it's a guy, and he's reading and having a side at the same time. He's got a bit of piss splatter on his face. He doesn't even need any liquor, he's saying it's a mess. Yeah, you know what I mean?
Or, you know, it's penis is a wonk to it. No, I understand. But I'm thinking behind the rule, Paul. Just saying.
There are loads of reasons why I think it's fair to say. It's fair to say. Take a book into the toilet. You take that book over here.
Right. Fine. No, right. Fine.
Right. Yeah. So I went over to tell my boss, and he said that he'd confront the woman when she got out. After waiting about 20 minutes, the woman came out of the bathroom, and my boss told her that she had to buy the book.
It was a cheap paperback. I can't imagine it would have cost more than a few books at most. She groaned, but pulled a few green backs out of her person hand in the mover. She then asked if she could continue reading the book in the library, which she agreed to.
Again, no real problem for now. A while later, the woman went back into the bathroom, book in hand. Both my boss and I saw her this time, but she'd already bought the book, so there's not what we could do about it. A few minutes later, another woman, this time looking quite proper in middle-aged, also went into the bathroom.
Shortly afterwards, this woman emerged with a look of anger and disgust on her red and faced as she marched up to my desk. You know the middle-aged woman asked that someone is masturbating in there. Yeah, of course she is. Ten points for Eli Silverman House.
Yes, thank you. Apparently, the older woman wasn't just reading her book on the throne. She was having a good old-fashioned spot-off. That's what the simple thing had been quite vocal about it.
I told my boss and the two of us went over to the bathroom to solve the problem as discreetly as possible. As you waited outside, we heard what sounded like a hog grunting outside of Dennis Russo. It sounded like a hog grunting out of Dennis Russo song. Dennis.
Dennis Russo. Dennis Russo. Like a hog grunting out of Dennis. No, I'll say it.
Like a hog grunting out of Dennis Russo song. Quickly building into a crescendo of... Gregory! Which is what the nice detail.
When the old woman came out the bathroom, my boss immediately told her that she was no longer welcome. The woman became irate and began to curse out my boss, arguing that she already bought the book and could do what she liked with it. This escalated to a shouting match. Yes, in a library.
And eventually, the woman stormed off, growling that this was an injustice. And she couldn't believe his nerve. The words that my boss yelled after her have always stayed with me. And I think they save as good instructions for life in general.
He said, I don't give a damn if you do it, but damn it, don't do it in here. And there you have it, a tale of some of the shock for all the features. Not shit, but generic, Josh and hope you enjoyed it. Thank you, Adrian did enjoy it.
Questions? Questions? Um, Gregory, who do we think that is? Do you know what Josh, do you mind?
Maybe the character of the world. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck, because this woman was mid-60s, but we're talking late 80s. Yeah, so Gregory Peck will still be a reasonable heart frog right now.
But when was his era? Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck.
Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck.
Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck in the leader first from Nina Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Oh if you No, I wasn't intending on doing a song. I'm not your throne on me. I've got a step.
Well, let me just think I'm gonna do some research. Oh god. You can't research Gregory Peck Gregory Peck American actor. Oh, I know Gregory Peck Yeah, you see the only because Finch.
Oh, yeah in the open. Oh, yeah in the open. It wasn't so much of a sex symbol actually Was he he's more of a sort of seriously? Yeah, Roman all the day the omen guns and never only Moby Dick I love I never see a he's original cake for you wasn't he was good in that as well really good in the every senior original Yeah, yeah, you don't have to do a song.
It's fine. No, no the moment's gone now. If you're all up for fapping you are there make it happen You better start your napkin and frot of frot Trying to think I don't stop stop let's talk about the rest of the story. He was in no kill to kill a mockingbird He likes to Brown's he was in the film the omen and you will soon be coming Sloshed slab and a slap hey Paul.
I've just remembered something don't walk out. Don't do a fake walk out. Come on I've remembered something though come on come back come back. We're coming.
We're having fun this week come back Come on come on Paul. This is weird now. It's not staring into the distance. Come on.
We got stuff to eat It's gonna be fun. Come on have a sit down. Thank you. Don't you fake walk out Paul?
If you want a bit of fun put on a jewel in the sun and then you'll blow the comb because it stops Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck okay happy. Yeah, I'm in the sun. Yeah, right now I saw this products Paul. Yes.
It was called splash right good. Oh, yeah, yeah Yeah, you need to look at a product it is it's like a some kind of confectionery with a juicy sensor Yeah warming to splash now. Yeah splash mountain. I get to cut this pillow.
Oh, no cut it. No. How dare you Gregory Peck? Don't say that Gregory Peck.
We said nothing. We've done nothing. I'm sorry. Don Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck.
Let's just end it with that. No, we've done nothing on the story. What is it to say? You know lady board a romance novel fact it in the labs.
I got told off the end I would have I wouldn't I would like some more Well, I don't understand better did she any better or something? What do you mean you want some more fanny batter? I would like the story to contain more descriptions of old lady fanny batter Oh, I know I read the last bit again. Oh, yeah, oh And then the old lady gave the book back to wasn't she jumped out the shop and we couldn't help but no to shop book What's shop library?
You had to do it in Adrian's voice. That didn't sound like it. Adrian's voice already mail out the first place Tom pry in his register, you know, not like something you made up. I want it to sound more realistic Right in that case and then the old lady stormed out the library leaving the book on the counter as she did so When we went to put it back on the shelf we decided not to because the whole thing smelted fanny's back Oh goopy trips obviously you there lady yes You think a fleshy state Yes that works for me.
I'm sorry Gregory Peck I press the button then oh Just a lovely day in Paul sweet shop. I'm Paul Ganon proprietor of Ganon's candies the sweet shop that I now run for Excuse me. Yes. Why are you standing outside of your shop talking?
I like to just stand outside? I wanted to go in. Oh come on in there. I've just opened it.