I'm not in the funny mood. I'm reading. Ah. Ah.
Shut up. Eli, shut your fucking mouth. You're in the My Roof now. It's Gaddens Show.
It's my time. And I'm taking the show back from you. Could you try it on it last week with your Swicki Ru plot? It didn't work.
Everyone was singing it in the street. What's that smell? What's that smell? Eli, shut the bed.
Everyone was singing it. In crowds. At the coronation. Everyone singing Eli, shut the bed.
Paul. No, it's my rules, mate. Paul. I'm not the new one.
I'm not the new one. I've got the new for a podcast this week. Yeah, just one thing on that. Yeah.
One thing. One thing. What? In my childhood.
I had to go see someone, Doc Simon. Yeah, the poor with the bed. Yes. Yeah.
And so I'd appreciate it just on a professional level. You know what I'm going to do? If you don't. You know what I'm going to do.
Okay, because it was an actual issue. Shut the bed. I could deal with it. As a child and have therapy.
What's that smell? What's that smell? What's that smell? Eli, the bed.
What's that smell? That one. I'm actually being serious. Did your doctor say that too?
Yeah. I'm actually being serious now. Hello, doctor. Eli, shut the bed.
It's not really said the middle doctor. Oh, it's the grey episode. It was an experimental therapy, music therapy. And I just did a song about your issue.
Oh, good. It's good. Anyway, imagine things. I've come up with a joke.
I just want to write past you. A real rare moment. All right. Joke Ryan.
Okay. Yeah. Ready? Yeah.
Go for it. What country in Europe do people who knit move to? What country in Europe do people who knit move to? Pearlland.
Pearlland. Right. What's that got to do with knitting? You Pearl, one Pearl, one, don't you?
Right. Good try. Good. I'm happy with that.
I don't think it's going to top mine. I've got a genuine laugh. You've got an laugh from yourself. That's the truth.
Now, I'll say the... What's it called? The Builder. What's the first part of the joke?
It's Christ. It's the only one that I've lost you up for fucking seconds. Exactly. What country in Europe do people who knit move to?
I don't know what country in Europe do people who knit move to? Crochet. Yeah. Crochet.
I'll take it. What could they keep, Joe? I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I'm the chief show you're going to have to learn the fucking effects of sex.
The chief show. Up, round, round, and round. The chief show. Here's the voice of Christ.
Paul Ganon. He likes to sell for them. The chief show. And a girl with a nuzzle.
As in Croatian. No, I got it. Yeah, that was very good. Well done.
Both of us. Well done. Gagritors. Extreme.
Extreme for the max. Listen. What's that smell? What's that smell?
Paul's had a Desperado. Paul's pissed his buds. He's had one Desperado everybody. Correction.
One. A second on the girls. Yes. This is what I was like.
I have round the other room. And I'm sorely tempted to crack it open. I don't care. It's downing Desperado.
I don't care. Give a fuck. Are we doing this? It's just the cold open now.
No, we're into the episode. This is the episode. We're into the episode. What are we doing?
What are we fucking doing? What are we doing? What are we fucking doing? We're soon to be cancelled podcast cheap show because Paul had one too many.
Jesus. Paul, I don't have a little drink. Don't spill. It's fine.
He has a tilty table. I am in total control. Look at my diction. He likes to control the tilty table.
Yeah. bang on. What's coming up on the show today Paul? Today, well, let me tell you, today is a sweet flavoured candy tastic episode as we go back to Paul Ganon's sweet shop and adjacent snacks and drinks.
The froth shop. That's been closed because all the characters on the run are haven't they since the red knob day? Yeah, I can't get in touch with any of them. Seriously, Brand off not picking up biscuits, not picking up.
Can't speak to Marjorie, she's gone off the box. But I was in Yarma the other day. Yeah. And it was weird because he was like this person who was doing a magic show at the end of the pier.
It was the great Jim S. Weird. It was Jim Davidson, the great Jim S. Sarah Millekern and the great Jim S.
Yeah, one interesting line of love stand up comedians on one night. No, no separate nights. They had them all. Okay.
I was there a Millicent doing a door header with Millicent. Say after me. Millicent. I knew her.
Stand up. I'm a little bit cheap. Brand out back. In again.
Oh, no. I want to say something. Oh, quite in the house. She's a chef.
Because all the lips, because all the lips, because all the lips, the fingers on lips fingers on lips. The fingers on lips, Eli. They're on the lips. What are you doing?
You keep saying fingers on lips. I'm doing it for you. I forgot what was happening. You just wanted the fingers on the lips.
You're the sweetest out for God's sake. We're floundering. This week on Cheap Show, we're doing a candy shop adventure. We've got loads of candy, some sent in, some just recently sourced white only this afternoon.
And we're going to be testing them and trying them out for you on this podcast to see if cheap candy is fine candy. All right. All right. Fine.
Good. Fine. I want to say as of this podcast now, the phone lines are closed. No more entries for your envision 2023.
You've had your time. Oh, we're recording it on a Monday. This goes out Friday. It doesn't make sense in context now on what you're talking about.
It's already closed. It's been closed for a week. Yes, since people listening to this now five days ago. So peace and love everyone, but we'll be putting any entries in the bin.
You know, you know, we're doing Ringo. I was doing McCarly. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, please some love it.
We had a big search towards the end of entries. So we've got a lot to get back to the fact that we after we record this episode today, we will be going through all of those tracks and whittling them down to 10. 10 tracks only. We're looking for a variety.
We're going to try and do 10 is 10 tracks as various styles as possible for the night. But all the entries will be available for people to listen to. Yes, they just have judges. We have to listen to the first.
Let me send them to our judges who will record for the video on the night. Get that done because they can sometimes take a lot of words. We've got to get right on the on the your condition. So you have to cut and chew chew off.
We're cutting more songs tonight than we keep it. Yeah, so this is I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be and also to see us doing the process of choosing these songs. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Tell me tits out loud. That's what you got.
It's just your inherent sexism that you offload on me. But because I'm a guy, it's sort of it's okay. Yeah, it's fucking well done. I'm not my tits.
You want code is my fucking rhetoric. I've deconstructed your whole fucking flimsy persona. Oh, hello, I'm fizzing persona. That's a good candidate.
It is. It's done what to do with it. I'll crochet her. Take them to crochet her.
Oh, look, I'm going to Pearl and that was shit now. How dare you? Anyway, blah, blah, blah. We're with the team.
Should we get over it? Yeah, I've done the thing. What? I've done the thing soon.
I've done the thing soon. Yeah. See what ladies and gentlemen, Eli told me to tell us from the down for it was really good. But he told me off camera.
So it's not happening now. So what was that about you going to the gig in Brixton and going to stress he's wrestling and then you got a call saying you should be in Camden and you went, no, you didn't. Yeah, I thought true. And then you boss went, Oh, mate, I've sent you the wrong place to come to Camden and then you went to Camden therefore avoiding the stress he stressed the other game, which was cool.
It's got sorry. I want to get it one of your best. But since you spunked it in real life, IRL, it's me now now. We need some structure.
We need to reintroduce some structure, which does sound like a euphemism for the fact in having sex. Oh, we introduced some structure. I didn't say it. I will erect a structure.
Now that's go too far. But it's got to be fast. No, we go to a little break before we go to the suites. Fucking hell, what more do you want from me?
I've risen a perfectly good joke. Is that what you've got for us this week? I don't know. I've got the word Bumford.
What does it mean? When he comes to Bumford. So how are you doing? I'm sitting down.
Oh, this is lovely Bumford. I'd say hello. Maximo so Bumford. Oh, I'm Johnny Maximo so Bumford.
I've put a splint up the side of my knob and I'm general Bumford. I'm just too far now. That's just too far. It's not too far.
Too far. Too far. You talk to a general like that. This cocksplint needs mending.
Cocksplint needs mending. Too far. Not cool, everybody. I think it's a bit of a downer for this.
I think he wrote it. I'm a general Bumford and I won't have it. That's a cracker. You know what?
I can't move. I know. I've got this giant cocksplint on the ground. I'm going to keep you in line this week.
Ah! Incoming. Fuck you. Oh, I think I can move this giant cocksplint.
Ah! That will go in my eye, you bitch. You drunken fuck. Stop.
Give me one. I'm throwing out. You're in big face. Sorry about that.
Oh. They're going off in the pack. Right. I like to wear shit.
And that's where we end this segment of Pure. Come on, throw one. Nice. I bought a pack of those funds.
That's not a good thing to do inside because it's going everywhere. Why are you doing it then? I threw it right here. You're a fucking Lego ghost house as well.
How dare you touch your my ghost house. Oh, that one. Yeah, we should stop doing this. Right.
We'll see you after this sound effect. Right. We're off to the racers, boys and girls. Well, can you like coming to my sweet shop?
Dinglingling. Come on in. Hello, Eli. My name's Paul Gallon.
I'm the world greatest sweet shop. Yes, we've met before. Yes. Yes.
But I like to treat all my customers as if they were close friends. Well, you wouldn't say hello Eli. I'm Paul Gallon to me. If I was a close friend, I'd know who you were.
All right. It's the reality of this fucking sketch, fucking straining, it seems. Anyway, I'm coming again. Yeah.
Dinglinglingling. Hello, Eli. I'm Paul Gallon. Welcome to my sweet shop of many treats.
I have some treats for you today. Oh, go on. It's awesome. Around the world.
What a great sweet shop in the whole planet. Do you have crisps as well? I also have crisps and some stuff to drink. Something to wash it down with.
It's not Esperanto. It's Goping Desperanto. Oh, look at that. You love it.
You love the creamy foam. So look, we've got a lot of stuff to get through. It's the first batch that they came from, a supporter and lover of cheap show. And their name is Chef and Chef said an email because there was a letter in the thing.
Did we meet Chef on the show? Yeah. We were handed these when we were shooting digitiser season two, block eight or whatever it is in the recording. It was a crazy week of green screen madness, but lots of laughs.
You've seen a few clips online. No doubt. You've seen some more, haven't you, Paul? Yeah, there's also a nice clip that before we put up on his coronation special, which I highly recommend on YouTube, you watch.
What you doing to your aunt? You've been sick. Am I being sick? Yeah.
He's like facing your palms ago. I don't know what you're talking about. A little barking squarkelet, Brucie. I have little barking sparklet, Groosey.
I have slarket, blarket, farket, McBruso. Yeah, you know what? We should have started this recording. You started the nonsense.
You started recording the recording before you'd slammed a fucking Desperanto. You signed that first Desperanto so hard. You can't even get past the shoulder on the second one. It's sitting in.
It started hitting him in the smoothies. He's getting, oh, he wants to attack me now. The blood is boiling now and the piss is fizzing. Read the fucking email from Shaft.
Dear Paul and Eli, because yeah, he sent me a letter, gave us the back, but then he followed up with an email, so I'm going to read the email version of the letter else. Thank you very much. I feel sad. I know we both feel sad.
It's been tough times. I know it's been tough for me as well, Paul, but you know, sometimes you just have to do a good podcast. Yeah, because it's the fans, isn't it? You do it for the listeners.
You do it for the listeners, don't you? Those bill or Bobby Jones out there? Oh, sitting there. Shaft, he's a cheap show rainbow at the end of their week.
Well, I'll give you fucking rainbows. Here we go. Oh, I'm sorry. It's all right.
Come on. Let's do this. Read the email, please. Dear Paul and Eli, I've been a listener for a few years now.
I first discovered you through Digitiser and the Winky Story. Mm. I love the madcap and Mucky humor, even with some occasional consumer advice here, we have our moments. Well, that brown sauce was a breakthrough.
You kept the Morrison's brown sauce. I know I haven't found the need. Sausages. I haven't cooked sausages since then.
Bacon. I've cooked bacon since then or a burger. That's when you eat a without chops. If I get chips from across the road, chips with HP is my favourite dipper.
Although sometimes they do like may. Well, that's what we didn't mention. A lot of ketchup guy. Paul, we didn't mention what that in Scotland.
They've got that stuff that stuff they call sauce, which is brown, but that isn't the same as that. It's a vinegary, kind of vinegary curry saucey thing. It's not it's like brown. I think it's a tamarind base thing, but it's just more vinegary.
OK, well, I would like to know. I would like to know. And I saw a in the shop around the corner for me. I saw an item for sale.
Yeah. Do you know what it's called? What? Spread cream.
I think I'm going to buy some. I buy some. I don't know. You know, it's from abroad.
But anyway, it's called spread cream. I'd like to shut up as I finished this letter. I used to listen in the car on my four hour round commute. Jesus Christ.
A couple of years ago, life finally allowed me to move much closer work. I did not adapt my schedule fast enough. And before I knew it, there was a massive cheap show backlog. I am now catching up, but I'm still nine months behind.
Well, there's lots for you to experience. I love it. How you want here? This for weeks.
You'll never hear this. But thanks for the stuff. Well done, chef. Anyway, I've just finished the Denmark and a rare work trip abroad.
While I was there, I saw some food items that I thought cheap show would like. So I purchased them for you. I'm not sure they taste great, but they should bring a few laughs at least. I also have said a Danish made soda pop on that there as well.
But the Danes rave about an excuse for the Jallopi. Not happening. Jallopi roll on. Thank you for the last all of the years.
What's this? Hell, what's this? I'm not going for the protracted drawn out nature of bringing juicy Jeremy. I don't know why.
Just you just say a moment ago, said all our characters have flown into the wind and we can't find them. Because of the shame of the red not they spare episode as rude the reputation of the characters. Right. So there is no juicy Jeremy around.
legal problems from all the courts. I mean, if he hears about it, he'll be unhappy. That's what it is. What do you want to do first?
The sweets or the kind or the drink? The sweets. This one out the way, because I'm not sure about it. This is Haribo.
Can't go on with Haribo. Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, a bit of Haribo. Haribo it's sort of they were dominant, more dominant a few years ago than they are now. That would be my observation.
Now you think? Yes. It's kind of one of those things that was like a corner shop kind of secret that you go on with a Haribo and then became a mass all of a sudden, everyone had it kind of brown. They were a German company.
They are a German company. You know what's big now? Trolley. Well, they have a one.
Trolley does it. All those Haribo sort of bag the same format. Same with different kind of. Yeah.
So these are called salt bomber. I presume salt licorice. Well, look, I'll say that on the packet describes itself as I would describe myself salty and hard. Says it on the packet.
Salty, Eli, Eli, Eli. Guess what I guess. The two things I am. Salty and hard, Paul.
Yeah. And what do you think I mean by hard? I mean, what do you think? I think you have skin hardening in your armpits because you use salt compulsively, you rub salt into your pits and it's hardened over the years with a big grimy crystalline.
It's like you have this huge salt burg in your filthy scrubby salt burg in each pit. He's correct. He is correct. Yeah.
Give me some of this licorice. What's the nose on it? Is it got us? It's licorice.
Well, I'm going to pull one out. These are little balls. Oh, so they're not like super hard like a boiled sweet. They are quite tough and chewy.
Very salty. Oh, fuck it out. But where was he? Did he say Norway?
Denmark. Sorry. But this is this is Haribo obviously manufacturing something just for the isn't salted licorice is a very Scandinavian thing. I love licorice.
But when you put salt, they're not that hard. They're less hard than I thought. I just said that. Yeah.
Oh, there's some sweetness there. I like the licorice bit but the salt gets in the way gives me excuse to katippily topple. Out of five. Oh, what they are?
Three. They're not Michael Bitty. Oh, God. Oh, and he's got a bottle right there.
Just swallow it. Just swallow it. I want to know. Just swallow it, please.
I have to be pretty. No, just swallow it and drink the drink at the same time. Like you're swapping down a medicine ball. Swappling down a medicine ball.
They were three. What they are. I don't like that. I like the saltiness.
Swappled down your medicine ball. Like let's crack off. Do not like the taste of that. These next ones.
One of the few flavors in nature that I don't like is licorice. So one for you that out of five hundred. Oh, right. These are by their company called Carletti and they're called Wiena-Linsot.
Wiena. I don't see any joke or anything I can infer from that. Wiena-Linsot. Wiena, I need something to clear the can out of my mouth.
Oh, I don't know about these. I don't know what this is, but I don't think I like it. I like it. Calm down.
What's that smell? It's like mint chocolate or something. I hate that combination. Yeah, it's a mint chocolate smell, but there's something quite stringent about it.
Oh, I'm not going to enjoy this one, am I? They're mint chocolates, are they? Oh, I'm going to find out. I think they've got licorice.
I think I can detect licorice in the inside. What is that? It's a mint chocolate. I guess it's a weird texture.
Like a mint chocolate smarty. Because the thing looks like a bomb bomb. Well, like a big M&M. I like those.
They're like an oversized smarty. Yeah, I like those. They've got a very, it's like a mint cake, a candle mint cake, that level of mint, that sort of high quality mint oil chocolate base. Yeah, they're all right, but not for me.
I don't hate them, but that's not for me. Not for me, but they find what they are. I'm going to say 3.75. They're nice.
I like that. Now, Eli, would you like a super strong crunchy after eight almost? Eli, with that smarty gift. That's so good.
Yeah, crunchy. I mean, they're pretty good. I have to say chocolate is probably the weakest note in those. There's more mint.
I think it just binds it all together. It can hardly taste the chocolate at all when you eat it. It makes it crumbly though. It gives it a nice creamy texture on the inside of the crispy.
I'm going to say four for that. I'm going to say four for those, Paul. I have to say four for those. Eli, I can see what's coming.
Well, ironically, yes, because I would like to offer you some spunk right now. It's finally happened. We have a product called literally Spunk. It's by a company called Vingle.
I think it's a parrot on the front. Is this when the podcast will actually weirdly come to an end? Is this the end of the era? This time when we actually eat Spunk on the little multicoloured candies on here?
Spunk candies. No, that's it. It's the nose of the Spunk. Sweet gummy Spunk.
Sweet gummy Spunk. Can you hand the Spunk over? They're tiny. They have the same kind of consistency as cherry lips.
They're quite nice. Oh, I like them. Nice generic fruity. Well, I like these.
No, it's a little bit chewy, but yeah. Oh, Eli, I love Spunk. They're like pastels. It's that sort of texture, isn't it?
I love Spunk. They're a little banana shake fruit pastel things. Bit waxy. I like that.
They're a bit like those lips as well. There's cherry lips. Yeah. Oh, I like them.
Oh, I like them. Oh, I love Spunk. Give me the Spunk. I would like more Spunk.
Oh, look at me putting Spunk in my mouth. I love Spunk. This is the best Spunk I've ever had actually. Oh, God, God.
Oh, God. I don't think about Spunk as good as this in my mouth before. I love Spunk. Please stop saying that.
Spunk is really nice. Spunk let me my favorite thing to be in my mouth. Aren't they Spunk's though? It's Spunk, but is that me?
They're Spunk's? Or? I just like Spunk. Jamie, forever to masochate this.
Yeah, well, it does. Sometimes we have a lot of spunk in your mouth. It's hard to get it down anymore. Go, isn't it?
You got to connect you on it for a bit. Roll it around your tongue. Get it to me. It's easy.
Fucking hell. And then if you can, if it's a big glob of Spunk, yeah, I'm just talking about candy. Oh, is the report on the second Desperado, everybody. He's broken the shoulder.
That's a five, by the way. I love Spunk. Five Best Spunk. I say three.
Yeah, they were tasty. Five Best Spunk. It's just too much chewing going on. Spunk, Spunk, Spunk, Spunk, Spunk, Spunk.
Right. Now we're drinking a drink called Faxi Condi, which is a, I don't know what it is, but apparently it's roved about. In Denmark, rave about. I think it's like a famous thing.
This smells like seven or spry. It's got a seven up colour bottle. It's just a very generic lemon soda, is it? It's lighter than both those, isn't it?
Yeah. This is slightly yellow, though. There's a difference, isn't there? No, it doesn't.
It's a bit yellow, but no, it's clear. It's like yellow light, which is a bit cloudy. When you look through it, up. Just saying.
Oh, it smells exactly like, like, seven up from my childhood, going to a restaurant. Yeah. I like that. Sports days.
Yeah. Saccrease. Put the corners up. Faxi Condi, down we go.
I think that's nicer than both seven up and spry. Have you tasted spry recently? Yes. It's fucking horrible.
Fake piss. That's like seven up. That's actually much, much closer to seven up. It doesn't taste artificial.
Do you know where it comes down? Where'd you come down? On the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the seven up and spry battle. Yeah.
Seven up, taste nicer. Yeah. I agree. I definitely close it to seven up.
Wouldn't you agree? Better than seven up, actually. It's sweeter. A little bit more syrup here.
It's got a good texture. I'm liking these Scandinavian soldiers. Because what, do you remember that sports cola we had? Oh, yeah.
That was Scandinavian as well. That was Swedish. I think that was Swedish. I think that was Swedish.
That was delicious. Delicious cola. Yeah. That whole area.
That's not good. That is right. That's right. Refreshing.
And that's the end of the shaft. And hey, everyone. Hey, we didn't put any ice in. So we didn't taste it properly.
Shut up. Oh dear. What do you do? What are you doing here?
Do you know what I mean? Oh, you haven't tasted the soda properly. If you, listen, not everyone can afford ice. I'm just going to go ahead and press up on this seven because I'm done.
Oh, you're done now. Are you? Thank you. Chef.
Chef is his name. S-H-A-F. Chef. I'm a chef and I'll cook you off some spunk in a skillet.
Who's the guy who sent us loads of lovely candy from Denmark? Chef. Here we go. Thank you very much.
That's the end of that segment. Favorite thing for me was spunk. Did you like spunk or did I like it more than you? I think my favorite thing was the crunchy minty.
Oh, the wiener. The wiener. Do you prefer the wiener? I'd better chow down on heart and frobbing wiener.
Well, you get to throw as much spunk up your gob as you possibly can. Spunk, wiener, spunk, gob, bob, wiener, skunk, skunk, skunk. And that's the end of this segment. Clunky dog wiener.
Show now in search of sound effect. Spooty. Spooty. Spooty.