Dronia and listen, I am the last of the seven sages of Eternia, guardian of the ancient secrets, here now my tale, of the heroic exploits of he-man, who with the help of Ocho, saved Teela from the clutches of, wristman! Hello! Really? Really?
That one? Yes. Remedial storytime voice. I'm taking another tack.
Alright. Hello? It's time for episode 34 of The Cheap Show. We all love it, so now I'm in constant anguish, and here's Paul Gernan, he mangled language!
Wow, you haven't said that in years. Maybe a year. One year. Come to that one year.
I think a year. I like it. It's enough rotation. I think we've been doing this almost two years now, if you include the unclean clique of all of us, the unclean of all's.
Again, people keep asking me if we're going to upload those to the internet, maybe we will one day. Okay. You know, it's sort of an awful, but you know, so there are also... Alright, as a sort of document of a failing live show.
Oh, me. It's quite interesting, on a sociological sort of... If I had to describe our live shows, they'd be like a hammacker who's been shot on stage and is milking that death scene for all it's worth. Oh, it's still going alright.
I'm going to get as much drama out of this as possible. Oh! We had some audiences who... A, didn't know what they were watching.
No. B, didn't care. No. And C, were a bunch of Dutch women.
Oh, or naughty, naughty Australian men with absolutely no tolerance for the muck about we were getting up to on stage. What? So, that's shit! Get I?
I can't do Australian accents. You can't do anything else. I can do more than you. Go on.
Okay. Go on. Yeah, you do one. Alright, you name it.
Voice. South American. General. This is...
Blic. South Africa. Oh, right. I got it.
South American. Oh, no, this is not good. I can't do it. Not C.
It's so racist. Oh, you do it. Mexico. Hello.
Every time I write, I have a say to you to do a voice. You always stop and say, hello. Hello, I'm Mexican. No.
E, señoro. Oh, E. Alright, next, other voice. Yeah, I like to call.
I'll pick one for you. I like to crispy crayons. You know, they matter for crispy crayons in Mexico. Oh, like, yeah.
Why? Because they, they like baked sugary products. Okay. But apparently doughnuts isn't, they're doughnut game, isn't that?
Oh, it's not. You know, they've got those churros again. You like churros. Oh.
Alright. Yeah. So apparently there's like, they're, they're smuggling, uh, because the ball just be crayons in. It's be cream.
So, hello. And that is glistening. Okay, good. I don't see no crispy crayons in here.
Is it? Say hello to my icing coming little friends. Right. Right.
So, I next one for you. Russian. You got the hat on. Hello.
Hello. That's just the song I can do Russian. Let me just, let me just, I'll give you a second. I'll give you an actor's process.
Alright. Like a bowel movement. Sorry, I was 15 minutes. I was having an actor's process.
Going for a quick actor's process. Yes. I can't do it. Vodka.
Uh, what, what was your name? I'm not saying it either. Communism. Yeah.
Yeah. Here we go. Yes. I need, um, give me a sentence.
Okay. It is very cold in the Kremlin. It is very cold in the Kremlin. Alright.
It's possible. God, I'm telling you. It is very cold in the Kremlin. That's right.
Yes. Yes. Right. Okay.
I can't do it. No, that's alright. I can't do it. I can't do it.
I'll give you a sentence to say in French. Okay. I would like your finest red wine and a cigar. I would like your finest red wine and a cigar.
Okay. Fine. I would like your finest wine and your best cigar. That's more Latin than me.
Actually, that's coming up on the show today. Yeah. More breaks. This thing, perhaps?
There is a French person. There is indeed. We'll get round to that. We shall see.
We shall see. One more Welsh. Oh, hello, Dan. Come on.
I'm from the family. I'm from Planet Lee. It's sense. Oh, isn't it?
I've got a nice pet Canary. Wow. I like Canary's. He likes thought process.
What about the Welsh? I think they own Canary's. Do they have Canary's? They torment down the main?
That's Jordy. I don't have a- I don't believe it. It's one down the main. I do accents.
Right. Moving on. Welcome to the Cheap Show everybody. I'm coming to the Comedy Comedy podcast with I and Eli Silverman.
Fail at doing accents? Yes. We also look at the charity shops, Barkins, Poundlands of the UK and Find Gold, or Brass, and we celebrate it here on the show. Nice, bargain, brick-a-brack, in tat.
Brick-a-lage, there's French for you. Is it brick-a-lage? What's that mean? Brick-a-brack.
Oh, there you go. That was the word brick-a-brack comes from. I think they have a similar root. Ooh, it's got a very similar etymology.
Yes, yes. So, with that in mind, hello, welcome to the show. We've got a form-packed show for you today. What have we got coming up on the show, Paul?
We have a delicious cheap eats coming up for you. I believe you have some vinyl for yourself, too, talking about a few pieces of terrible vinyl, and actually quite creepy. And then finding out what you will get. Riley, stop playing with your bell.
My naughty cat will be going to Spangblam later on. Also, we will be... He's going to eat his food now, noisily on purpose. It's all right.
Look at him. He's like crunching. Faster. Well, let's begin with the tells from the dance floor.
OK. Do we have a drink on for that? No, it's what I do. My tellers.
Dance floor. Hit it. So, now, I don't want any cynical interruptions here. It's saying how these are all the same.
Is this because in advance the story is the same? Yes. All right. OK.
So, I was DJing last night. Yeah. And they talked about two of you. It's a lot of us on the show.
It should be young woman. Yeah. And she came up. Yeah.
And... This is like the groundhog day part of the show. Basically, what I've noticed now is they start saying, can I make a request? So, it's like the pre-request for the request.
So, they're just encouraging themselves via... Would it be OK if I asked for a record? That's fine. Yes.
I always say yes to that. Because, of course, it's just silly. To say no on that intro. I mean, you can make a request.
It's not up to me whether you make a request or not. I can deny that request. Which I will do. And you often do.
And I always do. And I always do. And they can always fuck off. Spoiler warning.
This is how the story ends. Yeah. So, it's strange to me that they go, you know, can I make a request? That's like saying, can I speak?
Or, you know, it's like, well, she's just, you know, unaware of how this is going to go down, she's breaking the ice. That's it in. Yes. Because you've complained before people have got to you and go, why don't you play this thing?
You know, at least they say... She was being polite. Yeah. So, that wasn't the tales.
No, no, no. So, what was you saying? Exactly. Where's this going?
So, a young lady approached me on the... I was spinning on the wheels of steel. Where was this blues kitchen? Blues kitchen.
As always. And again, so far, so very, very familiar. And basically, it's a short one. It doesn't feel it.
No, no, no. So, everyone's dancing. Do you have this note and the story? No, right, what's your?
She goes, are you going to play any dance music? Right. And the irony, the irony, Paul. Now, she was probably thinking, are you going to play any music from the 90s?
Yes. You know, that was... She wanted to dance, electronic dance music, but she just said dance music. And it's like, I couldn't...
I just said no, and I couldn't help but feel. The irony of the fact that what I was playing technically is dancing music, fun, concert, and people were dancing to it. And people were dancing to it. So, get your terminology right, love.
Yeah, if you want to come and give me the request or else you will end up on this segment and you have. What do you get your name? I don't know, excuse me, love. The sake of our podcast, what's your name?
What's your address? Here's your name. And where can people hand you? When I set my fans upon you, my call with my Eli, my silver fans.
That's what I'm calling them. Silverfish. Silver fans. Although a friend of ours, Richard Wentworth, who does the Hadron Gospel, our podcast, he said this should be called the Elites, Eli.
The Elites. The Elites. The Elites. Yeah.
That's good. It reads better than when you say it out. Yeah, a lot of stuff does. Yeah.
Such as that Welsh Village. What Welsh Village? Clamfiddly. Clamfiddly.
I don't know what I'm talking about. So that was what you tell us what dance for. We need to, we need to. I'll try and get a better one.
So no, what should I do to cultivate better dance? Perhaps I should v-rude to people? Well, I mean, look. I mean, perhaps I should sort of mock them so they start violence, physical violence, maybe.
Perhaps I should proposition them sexually. I'll say, you know, I'll give you dance music if you make my trousers dance. Oh, tent dance. Yeah.
If you can get it. It's a Persian tent dance. If you can bring life to my Frankenstein monster down there, it's not Frankenstein's monster. It's more like Abbott and Castello.
What other three Stooges? No, that's... It's a Neuenberg. Well, yeah, but that was actually...
Oh, I did not know that. Listen, you're learning something. Yeah, but I'm learning so much because I can't remember which one of the three Stooges made that sound. One of them.
One of them. One of them. One of them. Yeah, yeah.
Why are you all there? Boyding. I think of two. It was about...
Okay. And the other one. Barry. That's Barry.
Yeah. What was it? I don't know. All right.
We've got on from that. We've moved swiftly on from your horrible tales on the dance floor. You know, sort of downplaying it. Would have been...
No, we're not. Which is very quick. Here's some tales from the dance floor. Girl came up after dance music.
It was dance music playing. That was shit. She shit. End off.
That was Barry. I think we could do micro ones right now. Okay. All right, cool.
So now I believe you have a life hack. You are going to love this. Yes, I do. It's another in the infrequent feature that I do known as Eli's Life Hacks.
And people really like these. They don't. And they save you money. And it's like part of the show that is actually, you know, has some practical use in people's lives.
Just whack jokes and buying stuff you like and pretending it's for the show. I think there's a happy medium between the two aspects of the show. So anyway, your life hack. Are you ready?
Yes. Don't own a dog. Great. See you next week, ladies and gentlemen.
On Life Hacks. No, come on. That's good. Actually, a lot of money.
It would. But the problem is that that life hack doesn't solve a problem that pre-exists. It says having a dog. No.
What if you're poor and you have a dog? Don't have one. You thought you got a dog. So your life hack hack hack.
No, but you can make money. It's a pedigree. True. Sell your dog.
And listen. You want to know the real machinations behind the... I'd love to know how your brain works. I think a lot of us would like to know that.
You could just go to the park in a town or city. And just be one of those people. No, you don't. You don't have to pick up a shit.
No. You just have a nice roll around in the grass with a dog. The stranger's dog. Excuse me.
Don't mind. We only miss the biscuits alone. Mr Biscuits. That'd be fucking great.
No, it'd be a dog. An organization. Come to the Biscuits. Oh, that's excellent.
Thank you. So you're rolling around on the floor with an organization called Mr Biscuits. Yeah. And you get all your dogs aren't they lovely thing.
Get that and do it to them else. And then you can go home and you don't have a dog. All right. Then you're buying food for it.
Also, you can have a little nuzzles or whatever with the dog. And then you can see the dog take a shit and you can watch the owner. Pick it up. That's your sit there on a park bench.
I don't own that dog, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that dog. You enjoyed watching it take a shit. Yeah.
And then you've got all the pets warm in his hands. I bet it's smooshy. Oh, I bet if you. So that's my life hack everyone.
Don't own a dog. I'm just right. So ignition. No.
Do you have any more life hacks? No, that's it for you though. All right. My life.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. No. No.
Do you have any more life hacks? No, that's it for you though. All right. My life hack is don't own a cat.
No, that's terrible. Why? Well, it's unoriginal. It also doesn't have the same impact as a dog dogs more expensive than cats.
All right. I bet it's better than saving. Don't ever have a child. That's good.
That's a good one. Here's what you think. If you want to get that out of your system, go to a play school. Right.
And then just go up to one. I'll just pretend that's your child for a bit. Have a play with it and roll around. Oh my God.
Maybe the child's name is Mr. Biscuits. You know. A little roll around.
I'm not allowed to call your kid as strange thing in some countries. Really? Yeah. In Australia, they're like, I can't do it.
I'm going to call my son Emperor Darkseid or something. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
You're Mom and Daddy here to get from a hobby Mr. Biscuits? Princess Fanny. Ahh.
She's a brand big robot. Herbund. Herbund Biscuits. That's just their name is Biscuits.
Yeah. So their name would be Mister. I'd probably do an English call my child Mister. It'll be Mister Ganon.
No matter what happened with it. Yes. It's good. Mister Mister.
Oh. Call it Master. So Mr. Mister Ganon.
That's good. Mister Mister Ganon. Yeah. So there you go.
Life hack. Name you kid. Something that they already are. like a Mrs.
Or Duke. Yes, sir. Child. Oh my God.
My parents don't love me. What we doing? I'm doing a podcast. That's the end of the life hack.
No, you don't have any more. I think I had a few lines up. Oh, that's it. Come on.
So you said I'm working on some life hacks. You said to me, and I quote, I've been working on some life hacks. I was working on that. I was suggesting two things.
You're working for some considerable time, and there are more than one life hack. So in one fell shoot, you've shown that you haven't worked longer at all because if you said the bar- One fell shoot. One fell shoot. Come on, it's not expression.
One fell swoop. One fell swoop. One fell swoop. Let's lay out the lay of the land here, right?
Okay. It's an occasional section. And I think, you know, there's a lot of people to consider there and take away from that. All right, cool.
Let's move on. Right, it's time for cheap eats. Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. There's a large wring on that.
We really need to work on our jingles. Choo-choo-choo-choo. That's good. All right, well I'll go really high.
Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. Okay. Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. It's good.
Yeah, I like that. Right. So only 33 episodes in and we find and going for cheap sheets. And I said cheap sheets then.
Which I could do with some, cheap sheets. Clean ones. I don't smell a death, a spur and sperm. That's it.
Don't. That's a patented odour of the house of pickles. What? I'm not picking up on this.
No. I'm trying to sort of publicize my rumours of house of pickles. of pickles. Is it because you're penis to the size of a pickle?
And when people's women something go ugh. No. It's got nothing to do with my penis. I have to shame because I store pickles and chutneys in my room.
Wow. Anyway, G-Peds is a section of the show where we like to go out and find the best of the cheap foods that you can get your hands on. And it's been a long time coming but finally we are tackling Eli. We're not tackling Eli but what are we tackling Eli?
Nice get out. Yeah. You're like, yeah you sorted that one. Yeah I did.
Yeah. We are tackling noodle. Oh. And it is a cheese noodle.
The king of the noodles has spoken. I found this the other day and I thought I'm going to have to taste this and broadcast this to people. To the nation. Because you know it's an unusual item.
I haven't seen these yet. I have seen a macaroni cheese noodle. Really? Instant macaroni.
So it's not like noodles. And also we discussed before pot noodle coming out with a mac and cheese one. Yes. And what I haven't seen.
A limited edition. I don't think it was. They just came and went. I never saw any of them in shops.
Well I'd like to try that. I'd like to try that. But this is a Korean noodle. Now the company's from Anyom.
It's paldo. Oh. It's subtitle from Anyom. So are they reliable brand?
I have only known one other noodle from them. The goontang. Yeah. Which is a beef.
And it's a classic noodle. It's from black oyster sauce. No it was. No.
Not the black garlic nissen. Oh. Tom Kotsun. No.
Thank you. Get it right. So I'm trying to engage in this obviously dreamy bit of programming. And the minute I try to engage yours.
No. Look. No one's going to like this bit unless you show some fucking enthusiasm. I was trying to show some enthusiasm.
So goontang is nice. It's an oriental style. And it's made by the same people who make this. Now this is cheese ramen or cheese flavor noodle.
Oh. It's lovely. I mean it looks like sick. It really looks like hot thick.
It really does. So it's basically a standard noodle. But it had an extra pack in it. Okay.
Which was the cheese powder pack. Which you had at the end. I'm both well asked to be added. Or was it maybe optional?
No. You're not going to buy cheese noodle and not put the cheese in. No. I'm going to hang up the broth spicy broth.
No. You always got to put the soup base in. So I'm going in. He's going in.
Still? Very hot. Piping hot. I'm going to turn that bit up so loud on the audience that everyone listening to says right there is.
Yeah. That's weird. Is it weird in what way? Again it's a Korean style noodle.
So has that kind of not really much of the texture. They can make more sort of juicy fat and noodles. A lot of people like that more. Okay.
But I'm not into that. But it's got this weird cheese. It has this weird sort of powdered milk taste. Right.
Like artificial cheese. I mean if you want to see us make this noodle you can go to our YouTube channel. Just like a cheap show. One word.
You'll find it. No. I'll eat that again. All right.
Let me have it try. I'm hungry. Yeah. Let me have a try now.
Yeah. A bit with the cheese on. Yeah. Let's have a look.
See at this. I am an amateur. I am an amateur. But here I'm getting some purchase now.
Here we go. Oh. Here we go. Oh.
Oh. Oh. That's all right. It's all right.
It's all right. It's not too bad because it has that fake macaroni cheese texture to it. Yeah. Is that fake cheese sort of flavor to it.
Yeah. Which is not awful. It's so sweet. And I would argue maybe the base of the broth itself helps give it something a bit more than just a cheese.
So it's a little bit does it fruity? It's got sweetness. There's cheese that sort of milky sweetness. I want to say like a tomato.
Yeah. There's a spicy. There's a sort of spice miso flavor at the bottom. I'm just going to try some of the broth here.
Oh yeah. Get some sweat off ladies. I imagine that between your five. Come on.
Oh. You know what? Well, I really like that. Yeah.
Yeah. It's quite comfort food. It is. That's comfort food all over there.
Yeah. It's actually not as weird and good disgusting as you might think. It's quite nice. It is quite nice.
Nice spicy base. And I was saying to Paul earlier, it's got three sashas and that's always a good sign in general in noodles. You had a dried veg sashay, you had a soup based sashay and then you had the cheese pan with sashay. Which I added to the more sashas, the better generally speaking.
I think you can get some top notch Japanese noodles that have like six. Yeah. And they like priced at about seven quid each. That's no longer a cheap eat.
That's not a long answer. That's a gourmet instant noodle. Well, maybe we should do a gourmet noodle special one day where we get the very best. Do you know what Paul?
I'll be up for that. Let's do that. Okay. Sorry.
That'll be our fifth. I think that's a good noodle. Two, two, two, two, sum it up. That's a good noodle.
How about you? I'll give that a nice. I'd say you have 10. Okay.
That's fine. I'm just going to take this away from the recording area. Yeah, because not only is it horrible to listen to, but seeing it, ladies and gentlemen is vile. Oh, look, he's off.
Oh, look at him. So, a successful first item on Gbeat. Eli out of interest. How much did that cost?
I can tell you I'm slurping it. That was about 50 pea. 50 pea. Yeah.
They're not cheap. Noodles are cheap. That's really good. And I got it in Chinatown.
A place I guy which has a very good range. A very good range. So, they go 50 pea, Chinatown, look for that noodle and maybe others. And yes, I think we should have a noodle special one day when I've given up on thoughts and ideas for the show and like, to accept the inevitable noodle of vacation of cheap show.
Yeah. Yes. So, what everyone wants to hear Paul, they want to hear about his noodles? If we have to take the name of this podcast, a noodle show or King Eli's noodle podcast, I will fucking kill myself.
I will, I will crucify myself. See, I'm even laughing at that. No, no, no, I was laughing. As usual.
Right. It's time for dessert. So, we recorded this for the Christmas but then unfortunately we lost the 40. So, I've saved it.
And what we have here are four boxes of chocolates. All from the same company. Sorry. Go, go.