Come on Eli. Boop boop. Let's keep recording. I'm not Boop Eli.
Come on. Get the energy. Is this cold open? Yes.
Boop boop. Come on. Get a wiggle on. I don't do it.
I'm not in the mood. I don't care what you're in the mood for. Boop boop. I'll put my boots, boots.
And you're ass. No, no good stuff. No good stuff. Oh, fuck off.
How do I look? No. It's exciting. I'm not ready to do an episode this week, basically, because why?
Well, you know, I'm nervous about the wedding. Yeah, it's an ex-weekly wedding now. We've got to be on our best behavior there. We've got to be sneaky, desperados to Clatty Affair, or Jack and Coke in a can.
No, there's none of that. We've got to be Clatty Affair. We've got to suck too down before we start working. Suck you down before we start working.
Well, we would sometimes. No, you wouldn't. Get me a fluffer. What?
For the show? Yeah. We're on a podcast fluffer. Yes.
All right. And it has to be in a wooden box. Hello. I am the fluff bot.
4,000. Bebop. I'm admiring your wooden veneer. Boop boop.
Be like, let me sock you off. Boop boop. No, you just wanted to be bop. Bebop.
Bebop. Come on. I'm here now. I'm not doing it with all around.
Bebop. I'm not doing it with all around. Boop boop. I'm not going to.
I'm over here to suck, Bart. Yeah. Out of the way. Just want you right now.
Bebop. All right. I'm off now then. I'm off.
Boop boop. Like so. What I'm saying is I'm not feeling it. It's because 350.
It's a big show. It's going to be a big special event. Big wedding. You're wedding of the year.
I can't wait. It's going to be a lovely day. I'm going to get something to spice up my love life. Like a tandoorie condom.
What am I to do with that? Mr Silverman. Mango chutney. If you're not feeling it, I've got to spice this up.
What's going to happen after 350? I'm going to make it spicy. I'm going to start getting big name guests on the podcast. Ratney on the chutney.
I'm going to get some big old chutney bookney guest names. Ratney on the mango chutney. Right. I'm going to get a chutney poultice worth of guests.
No, it's your favourite guest. If I segue it better than that. So who would be your favourite guest? Who would be my dream guest?
Who would be my dream guest? No, no. No, no. It doesn't matter because you've ruined this segue.
No, no. It's been a tough segue for me. I did. Who would be your dream guest then?
Let me think. It didn't work. Let's start again. No, don't click your fingers.
I think my fingers start again. We're going to start the committee again. I'm committing to this. No, we're not.
Ladies and gentlemen. Who would be a good guest on Cheatshop? Let's make that line clear. I know.
Oh, I know. Boop. I know. I think you're a bit tired, Paul.
You're tired. No, you've got bags under your eyes. Let me have a think. You were nodding off earlier.
No. Shut up. I don't know if we'd ever get him. I don't know if we'd ever get him.
But I'd like to have the stand-up comedian and star of the podcast, the doll of Gareth Reynolds on our podcast, but that would never happen, would it? Not in a million years. The very thoughty-like. The very thought.
Are you going to sleep? Oh, you're going to sleep? Fuck me. You're going to sleep?
I'm going to sleep. Imagine what it would be like. That was working. That would work.
Just commit to the bit for Fuzz. I wonder what it would be like if Gareth Reynolds was on Cheatshop. I'm not talking over my wibble line. I wonder what it would be like if Gareth Reynolds was on Cheatshop.
Not talking over my wibble line. I wonder what it would be like if Gareth Reynolds was on Cheatshop. Not talking over my wibble line. I can't do it again.
Sorry. I wonder what it would be like if Gareth Reynolds was on Cheatshop. Cheatshop. Cheatshop.
I hate you. And your fucking moodle-posting. People love noodles. It's just a fact that Cheatshop is going to have to learn the fucking insects.
Cheatshop. Cheatshop. It's a chime. It's a chime.
All good. I feel like I still want to go. It's a chime. And a girl with a nuzzle.
And on this week's edition of Cheatshop Eli, I've got the most special guest in the whole wide world. What's that? What guest? Well, it's a big secret, but I'm going to reveal it for you now.
Why? Oh, I'm so excited. I'm fizzing. I'm fizzing with anticipation.
Ladies and gentlemen, on this week's magical edition of Cheatshop, we have stand-up actor, writer, genius, adventurer, love a man, horny goat, a person of great magnitude and importance, a man who, in the shadows of others, still casts a light. Sorry. Crying. No, I'm crying.
Please welcome, star of the dollar, please welcome comedian and genius, Gareth Reynolds. Hey, it's me. Thank you for joining. You're welcome.
I'm more of a horny goat than I am an actor at this point. I just, I don't know what it was. The image was horny goat. I saw your face, and horns built hooves.
Oh, God. Oh, stop talking. This is terrible so far. But no, Paul Eli, it is a pleasure.
We've been trying to do this for a while and I've been, I've been very distant. I've been very patient. Very patient. Just found out really well.
Very patient. Basically, we only get guests on this podcast where we've emotionally worn them down. Well, it is effective. Yeah, it's effective.
It's effective. This is how it works. That's how you got me to do the podcast, isn't it? In the first one.
It is a give a bag of instant noodle and you sloughed in. You came in on a kind of pie-piper instant noodle. You are English, Eli. That's what this means.
I am, yes. Yes. Although you're not quite, oh yeah. Well, similar to you, Gareth.
I've got one thing you're not that similar to him. Well, no, it's very useful. It's all right. Why do you have to...
Are you casting a light in a shadow? I don't know. You can't cast a light. You're looking at a shadow, Eli.
Casting a light in a shadow. Yeah. It's hard. Like an angel.
I've got the reverse lineage. My parents are Americans. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
That is... So you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. Yeah, it's horrible.
You both have dual passports, I don't have a dual one, because I gave up on my own. Well, Americans... Let me be honest. You don't need to have a passport to this country.
No. Do you need to get in these days? Yeah, no. They're getting out is the move.
That's why I got one. Do you still accept food stamps to get into the country? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
It's all right. I've got loads of those from back in the day. Oh, yeah. No, you can get food stamps.
You can trick the guy off. However you want to handle it. It's as hard as getting into a club. It's weird that you randomly pick the two things like sell out food stamps and tossing men off.
Well, congratulations. Yeah, if you're white, I should point out. Oh, OK. That's fine.
Not be any way in. That's the only way of everyone to put the phrase, cash in hand. That's right. Well done.
Now, this is where I edit in a trombone. I'm affected by that gag work. Paul, Paul, sorry, Gary. I'm just going to have a little word with him now.
Paul, you need to calm down. Why? Because you're embarrassing. Not just us.
Not just you. I'm embarrassing. Have you seen the state of all listeners? It's like the cast of bloody Clive Barker's hell racers.
Anyway, so what we thought we'd do with you today, Gareth, is we would play our world-famous game, The Price of Shite. It's like the price is right. But we collect things from charity shops and such. And what are you going to do?
Is you going to see four items and you're going to guess the prices of them? OK. But then we have a preset prices. We do.
We should do the song first as well and get Gareth and the book. So the plan is right. We're going to do our jingle at the very end. You just jump in and say, and that's right.
OK. Does that make sense? Sure. So when we start, you're just saying that's right.
And the way we stop, you'll say that. And I'll take it up in the edit and make it sound slick as, right? Lovely. OK.
Right, here we go. Oh, wait. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.
It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. Oh, beautiful.
Oh, I was ready to be critical. But that was. You were not. You were taking your clothes off.
It's not getting hot in Britain today. It's not getting hot in Britain today. This is how you get in America. I heard it.
I heard it out there today. It's crazy hot because obviously these houses aren't built for keeping people cool in this weather. It is a sweat box. It's really bad.
Yeah, it's not great. I like the English sweaty. That's the best look for the English. It's the only way we have any color to ask in.
It's not the right version. It's just it's cherubic. And a certain light. We look like the vampires from Twilight.
If you can get us in the right eye. No, absolutely. Yeah. No, I've seen through a lot of English people.
You can go to Wimbledon. It's like sometimes it looks like the stadium's empty, but it's actually the mighty thing. It is. It's like a sea of baby goldfish.
It's like the yellow of the teeth. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. It's like the country of the country of ghosts.
Everyone. Yeah. And you know what? In some respects.
It is. Ghost of democracy. There we go. I remember.
Right. So we're going to get into it. We have four items for Gareth to look at today. What's going to happen is going to be all four.
And at the end, I'm going to give you four prices and you're going to match the price to each item. So one of these items will be one pound. One item will be two pound. I've gone blank in the end.
Three is after two. I don't know why I forgot. I think you get trousers back on for one thing. Yeah.
That'll help. I don't want to. It's making this a nice breeze. One is one.
Two is two. Three is like, okay. So we're going to get the points off the final item before four pounds. One to four.
I understand it. Yeah. It sort of seems like it's like counting. Yeah.
Very similar to count. Yeah. I picked up on that. Yeah.
We're going to break you with I. No, no, we call them between. I hope you're talking. No, I think between a very important Paul.
Yes. And I think if I may. Okay. In a calm way.
Yeah. Gareth. This game is a very central part of our podcast and its history. It's almost sacrosanct.
Over the years, the points that you win in this game have become known as patoins. Very much like the noise of the noise of a star. Well, it's the noise of a game show. Yeah.
Exactly. That's the translation. Yeah. It's a between between you think.
So you could be entering the exclusive club of non, you know, no, I'm not going to get your face. Let's look for the next word. What's the regular? We're the regulars on the podcast.
It's not regular contestants. You try and say something. I did. And it didn't work.
So, Patwing's up for grabs. Yes. And so you will be facing off against Eli because he doesn't know the prices of these options. Oh, shit.
Well, but he's one of the between hosts. Okay, I'll figure it out. It's fine. I will say you're up against the champ.
He's a champion on the ropes recently and his games off. So you have just as much a chance as beating him as possible. And for every match price, you get correct. It's a between something you can take home and tell your children, your cat, friends.
I saw a photo of your cat today on the scales on the scales. It looks like a bad boy. It looks like it doesn't give a single fuck. He's in charge.
She's in charge. I work for him. No, down. You take 10% of what you work.
No, I take 10% of what I have. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, play, play, play, play. All right, then. Let's get into it.
This is the first item on the list and it's called the hotspot mini electric blanket exclusively for him. And on that box, Gareth, please explain what you're looking at. Well, first of all, let's just all flag the fact that it's exclusively for him. We're looking at a man in a sleeping cap who looks a bit like I would say a Sicilian.
One would say it looks like he has a large stomach. He's tucked in nicely. He's got the British cheeks and the heat we were talking about and it is plugged in. So it looks like the blanket is plugged in, but that might be misleading.
But why would I blanket? I don't know as a thought experiment. It'd be just for him. What would make it unique you think he like?
It's shaped like a cock and he puts it on his dick. That is dangerous. But also, this isn't the British item. No, that's an American plug and the ball is the red, right and blue balls, isn't it?
Yeah, it's pretty patriotic. But I mean, one could argue that it's Union Jack. Yeah, true. Either way, it works as a perfect flag for either country right now.
Now, this is not just this is a novelty item which is meant for amusement purposes only. No, it's actually putting their dick in there. I'm trying to keep it warm. Oh, contrary.
Well, the plug is way shorter than advertised. You've got to be right over here. You either need an extension table or your bed needs to be very close to the wall. Now, you get the initial pack and then they try and upsell you.
Yeah, yeah. Extension table. Yeah, you need a cock extension. Just for the record, I think that's about three inches, not including the balls.
Fine. Yeah. By the way, include the balls always. Is that what you'll mention?
I go right from the end of the bar. You come from your knee. I actually go from my mother's genitals. But just for the record, just so you know, not that it's not that anyone's concerned.
I'm on the record. I'm going to write this down for the record. That plug is not connected to the sock. Wait, the sock.
I guess it is. Yeah, it's just connected. There's no wiring. There's no actual heating elements.
Oh, okay. Well, we're all very relieved. It kind of looks like Santa if he doesn't realize. Yeah.
No, it sort of looks like a snowman figure skater with the different colors. And that little chord to the ear that will figure it's made on the ground. It's on the right side. It's on the smurf vibe as well.
Yeah. Yeah. I do. Right.
So that's item one. You don't have to guess right now, but that is your first item, the mini for him electric blanket. We're going to move on to the second item. No.
Or two. Or three, I guess. It gets image three items. So you can scroll through them.
I put one image number three because we had two images of the first item. So it's item two, image three, a multi image slideshow presentation. Right. This is part of my obsession with board games.
Gareth, I started off getting over broke for this podcast seven years ago. I now have 270 board games in storage. I can't get rid of it. Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ. That's terrible news. It is. It's a sickness.
Actually, it absolutely is. How about a board game where you try to get rid of some of those games? You know what? Write that down anyway.
That's a great idea. I'm your secretary. Write it down. Don't mind writing it down.
We both asked you to do it. You know, I talk about it too. It's like, you know, it's like a British board game in conception. But it's also the wheel is covered in them.
Yeah. I haven't even noticed that that's the bit that really scratches me out. And also, it's a lot. It looks like he's doing a, like, a rock rock horns, which is fine.
Yeah. Sign of the devil. Yeah. Listen, there's some subliminal stuff going on here.
Okay. So elaborate please. It's satanic. Okay.
Okay. Okay. If you play this game backwards, it tells you to kill your parents. I think playing it forwards will do that, frankly.
Okay. Okay. Here we go. I'm going to let Gareth go filter.
that topic with you. Good. He's spinning the dial now. So that is what you're the red.
You're the little red man. Oh, yeah. Red and Eli is blue man. So I am now going to pick a card at random.
So I'll be dick tip. He'll be balls. Yes. In more ways than you will ever ever know.
Right. OK, so this was bathroom, which is B on the card. OK, you both going to answer this. But here we go.
OK, you use your friends B day and leave a nasty brown stain on the clean towel. What would you do Gareth? God, I regret this game. I mean, it's a what am I doing?
First of all, I would say what am I doing? I mean, generally like I would say this isn't a life and you know, there would definitely be some sort of mini breakdown. So I've used the bidet, but I've used their towel and I the bidet has a fully done its job. So I left a cheeky streak left to like right.
Yeah, it's a cheek. I would I would probably throw the towel away, but not in that bathroom. I would sneak the towel and do another receptacle and throw it out. And that would be that.
That's pure rationality. I can't I can't better that answer. I would add to it. I would look for a fireplace barbecue.
You don't want that. Well, it's a barbecue on going. You're getting your poo smoking their burgers. It's a bit of a poof.
And I would suggest I would suggest that yes, you might be making too big of a scene. I think a receptacle. Yes. And then if you're caught live, I don't know what someone did that.
Oh, I don't even use the day. I wouldn't. Yeah. Also, why is the bidet?
The bidet is something that we don't even have in this country, do we? We're not big on them, though, but it cleans your it cleans all round there. Probably good. So I'm supposed to.
But also, if you use the bidet, you just use toilet paper after you wouldn't exactly. This is badly conceived. I think what this is is conceived by a Brit in the 80s. I had no idea.
I think this sounds like a bad habit. This is a game from I think the 90s. It says on the card, either way, it needs nothing to us now. And I spent for you, like, right, who won that?
Then I doesn't matter. I'm going to do one more of these because my soul's dying in the process. I haven't got much better than a bidet. I don't have much of it left.
I know. We keep going. Just keep going. Is it?
Yeah. Is it? Yeah. Is it?
No one's going to keep you. I'm not going to give you strokes while we're doing the podcast. Put on the car. Do you have that shopping?
What? the cocks are not yet at hand. Yeah. Why do you have it?
Yes. Okay. It's a real thing. I didn't just go online and see that.
I bought it. I went into a shop with what was left of my dignity. I bought it. No more questions.
It's fine. It's here. I have a lot of questions, but you're right. Right.
Next card. Oh, dear. Okay. Come on.
I'm going to pick a good one. Laughing suggestively is this card's title. Okay. And then it says shopping.
So I have to pick the shopping capital capital capital category. Thank you. Oh, God. S, you meet your boss in the supermarket and all you have in your trolley is a packet of condoms and he knows your partners away.
Eli, let's start with you. What would you do? This would ever really ever happen to you. I'm going to come back to that.
But again, why? Why would you? You're buying a bunch of condoms. It's no, this there is an exploration day in condoms, but it's like years, isn't it?
So yeah, it's like seven. How much is this boss that putting stuff together? You know, he knows how often you do it. And he's like, well, that will definitely will run out or something.
You know, it could be for next week when my partner gets back. I'm your boss and I know you never do it. Well, what have you saw me then in the supermarket with a bunch of Johnny's in a trolley? I presume you've become a survivalist.
Why would I need them if I was going to be a prepper? No, for posh wank. I don't know. Gareth, have you heard of this?
A posh wank. A posh wank is when you use a condom. And it's no. Yes, that's that's going back.
Well, if you take it away from this podcast, I call it Gareth, please take that. Do your heart. I am. It's so amazing to actually picture doing that.
For me, it just seems insane. Oh, no, I never understood it. I actually that's a kind of stressing. Well, the benefit of the condom is the birth control.
It's never like, Oh, it's great for like, it's the easiest cleanup. Like, that's not how it is. It's like, it's annoying. Having safe sex with a ghost, I think.
Yeah, I think the term posh wank just came from school children. That's what I got. Well, they're doing great stuff over there. When I was a school child.
Yeah, obviously, I actually went into the cock blanket. You absorbance. Yeah, it's great. It's like, yeah, it's like, well, we'll have same question to you then.
What do you do if your boss sees you with a with a trolley for the condoms? Well, first of all, I think to what Eli's saying, I mean, it's kind of weird to be like, Oh, what am I going to do? You know, because whatever, you know, I would do one of two things. I would either say, I ain't looking to get pregnant or I would if he looked and he gave me a weird look, I'd say they're for my dad and give him a wink.
Hey, very good. No, no, no, no, I would just stare him cold in the ice and it's not putting more and more condoms in. I was spied to overflow the basket. Have you heard of a posh wank would be?
Yeah, that's what you do tonight's break. I'm having lots of posh wanks. The way I get tonight, I have lobster and a posh wank. Right, you know what, that's enough of that game, I think.
I think that's fine. That's the second item. That's forever. That's enough of that.
That is going so super fast back to a charity shop tomorrow. Oh, you don't want that in your collection? No, that's all right. I can let that one go.
I like you're keeping the cocksock, but that has to go. Well, that obviously has uses later on down the line. I can't foresee. I might need.
I might be stuck in the snow with nothing, but that in my hand. And they say that heat comes from the feet and penis. So you will. I can certainly vouch for that.
So let's move awkwardly on. Right. The next item is a audio track and it's from Roland Ratt, superstar proudly presents the cassette of the album. Garro, I have to ask because you are of British descent in some respect.
Have you ever heard of Roland Ratt? Yes. And what is great about my version of English is so much of it is sort of like this, where I'll see something and go, oh, right. Like, I'll see the wambles and I'll go, oh, yeah.
Yeah. You know, and there's just a lot of like, Mr. Blobby or whatever, just these little things are all go, oh, yeah. And Roland Ratt among them, Roland Ratt.
I was like, right, Roland Ratt. So I am familiar with Roland Ratt and like everyone else, I wonder why and how this happened. Because this is a trend that we've noticed on the podcast, right, where specifically like light entertainment or like comedy characters or sketch show characters or puppets will release an album in their kind of peak popularity on the back of like multiple t-shirts and unboxers and all of them will have a rap on because like Kenny Edward released the rap. We had that Rodney Dangerfield album, which was, Oh, we did.
Which is in Britain, rap was very much a novelty genre when it first arrived. Anyone could do it and shouldn't. Yeah, exactly. Very, very apparently.
All the comics in Britain would have a novelty rap thing. Yeah. And it just came this thing, but like the Roland Ratt thing, I knew it growing up, everyone kind of knew in this country, Roland Ratt. But what I didn't realize was just how important he was to British TV in general, because TVAM was set up by David Frost and it was a big money sync and it was like first breakfast TV on the internet, the commercial channels in the UK.
And it was flopping and David Frost had set this up to be a serious breakfast show with no gimmicks. And when the ratings flop he went, ringing the rat and Roland Ratt came in and literally saved TVAM. He was huge. I loved him.
I loved him. Well, that's genius. And by the way, when you think of like, I mean, when I think of the big breakfast or some of those shows, you know, I mean, you're like, puppets were serious members of the show. Like, you know what I mean?
Like, nobody was like, Hey, a little puppetry. That's fine. People were like, no, that's an interesting point. That's very good to all the dogs said it.
It's worth thinking about. Now, it's a very good weather forecast. We're looking forward to it. Paul, we're playing the prize of shorts still.
Yes. You've seen the... Yeah, that's a stick from 1990s. That was the original prize.
Yes. Eli, we're adjusting for... Ratt. The inflation, yeah.
And the way you think about this whole album is, obviously, I've already had done it. Right? Everything. Did you listen to the tracks beforehand or not?
Just I've been dressed. No, I did. And I... Yeah, what a nightmare.
Everything I try and create is ruined by you too. I've got a sensitive song to open this album. And now I'm all worked up. Animal way.
Say it, Ellen. Here I'm on his suit. I close his sleeve. I close his sleeve.
I close his sleeve. I close his sleeve. I'm going to the queen. I close his sleeve.
He's a queen of star model. Then I'm off. He's real cool. He's a nice little friend.
He's a nice little friend. He's a nice little friend. He's a nice little friend. He's a nice little friend.
He's a nice little friend. He's a nice little friend. He's a nice little friend. But they're almost the outliers on the album, because one's like a gospel hymn sung by a Welsh Gerbil.
And then you've got a reggae song, the Pink Bucket song on there. If you want, Gout, it's especially, I can send you the full album after the show. I don't know how you feel about that. Unfortunately, my email is just...
I'm just gonna... It happens to me a lot. Yeah, I have to switch. Let me reach out to you with the new stuff and we can arrange it at a different time.
Don't send it now to anything though. So wait until you get back in touch then? Yeah, well, I'll specifically reach out with an email titled, now send me the rat album. So not until I get that.
Not until I get that. Yes. And no sooner, exactly. OK, all right, well, I'll do my best.
Can I say something about this? Go right in email. The cover of this album, have you noticed what they're ripping off kind of badly? No.