The beans Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else please bang your tippin tins together for Chippetizer Hello hello hello hello we haven't heard any of this we don't really know what we're doing We didn't even kind of work out what we're not even here right now actually We don't agree so much we're not here hello. Welcome to the show looking to match with cheap show in digitizer Hello boys and girls Hello everybody else Prick No, it's a man coming tell us the show was gonna be there by ten minutes Yes, and you also need a poo poor I need way We thought hey guys They go we'll just leave them to let us leave them to it It keeps in there and he's also got the duck eyes. That's how he sees into the future The duck eyes in there and also he's got nice drying pads so that his witch hole doesn't get too moist of the eyes dried out yet No, they're in the juice. Oh, yes, who wants to sniff Keith?
Oh, yeah, who was the sniff a line Yeah, right Hello, this is cheap atizer the cheap show digitizer podcast crossover and we're here performing at the cheerful Eful podcast festival hooray And I thought we'd kick off with just a few I'm using jokes just to break the ice so do you want to go first? Yes, what kind of car did the actor Andrew sex drive? No shit one Manuel manual. What was it?
What and you man well? Eli go on so there's couple they come out the tube and They go there's someone across the street and you know, it's Jane and David and Jane turns to David David look that man It's got his head. It's the shape and color and texture of a peach What's on earth is going on David? So there we go.
I don't know this doesn't happen very often We'll have to go and ask him what's going on. There's excuse me. Excuse me. It's mister.
Excuse me They go what we need to know your head looks like a peach. What is going on? He goes well It's a funny story that I was like I was in a in an old antique shop and There was this lamp there next caught my attention. It was a bit dirty.
So you know, it's back in my hands as well No, I mean we did agree on one liners no Right should be brown doing it set on stage, right? So mr. Peach head Roves the lamp and then a genie comes out goes on I Lame a lad in a lamp, but he's gone for the lamp right a laddens lamp. No just a lamp.
All right, genie in I didn't have a genie in a lamp. There's no lamb inside the lamp. This joke's not working at all is it? Well, you can't give me a fucking charm.
Maybe we did last for fucking years We wouldn't have these conversations three wishes the guy gives the peach head guy Give to free wish God fucking get completely. I've got three wishes. What's your first wish you guys? I want to be wildly rich and you know a suitcase appears with a 10 million quidnet What's your second wish and he goes and so he goes I would like the love of an extremely beautiful woman, and you know Angie Dickinson comes in and marries him great reference And he says what's your third wish he goes?
I'd like my head to look like a peach What's your shit one? How'd you get the attention of gold? Hey you? See Knock knock who's there who's the stinkiest politician?
Slop Bastion poo I'm not doing any of those questionable ones that we Oh, so you don't even Good Bump Taffy Continue What I wanted to do What is it? Let's find out together, right? You've not opened the show did you know I did it literally to the dramatic effect of it's working It's lovely beautifully wrapped Because we want that Show award thing More fucking ladies and Egyptian laptops that's plastic Right Already bent look he's been to getting out. He's ruined the bloody award.
I That's a what's it say on it? What's it say? It says 40 light I I'm not having beans get a lot of reward in all of war about this toy from ant's life or something. I bought And slight you sound like a granddad trying to be cool Obviously not and slight for me, but of course right so we're gonna take over the first chunk of the show I'm gonna keep it simple.
We went to America recently you may have heard that it was quite the adventure aren't we great? I might shoot myself like your granddad's I'm warning you Make you wouldn't be missed come on. It's just like boring what you were saying was so boring That's all I'm sorry mr. He's my joke about a man with a peach for a head I think I was a bloody good joke actually Yeah, why what what is the mystery at the heart of the joke?
I don't like water face from the film scandal. Yeah That's a great reference to use on people Right, so we're gonna go through these and maybe you lock and get a test taste of these as well What do you want to start with? I don't know. Let's start with the interesting one.
They're all interesting sprinkles habanara Oh, we're gonna taste the and you can't have them for the nearest habaneros naturally an artificially flavored con sebor natural You know and then the next day you got a carbaneros That's all poo bass for me boy I have a hoof Lickestall didn't we got a little liquor store where we staying at the road and this is where all this came from Encouragingly dry half on it In total unfortunately unfortunately Why you unfortunately I know You actually gonna do that yeah Every day living Are off the charts I see yeah, can I just say how come in in the states? They're so proud of putting on the packaging this has artificial flavoring It's a question What you need to watch out is when they say natural flavorings because that's the real awful shit So so you're blues if you got like tequila is natural flavorings. It just means they put some shit in the taste of shit Travel channel food show Great stuff I Know he is there's a good amplitude on it Super spicy though. Oh oh who wants to try one nice And early bit of acting I pull all right here we go who else wants one their hot baby They're hot this is exciting in the crowd with the piece Once one go on here we go get your fingers and I give a five to anyone that slaps it It makes it choice loud enough I can hear don't say shit like that.
That's all cool That's how the fucking heavens gate thing started Sorry You look like pricks all three in here a horrible man I don't know who said that someone just took the microphone off me out there and said all those mean things Do you like it? Yeah, they're very good I didn't get any nice and dry and they doesn't fall into that trap which a lot of chilly flavored crisps on this side of the pond falling to where it's overly sweet you know I mean yes, they're gone down the Tarky route wait. They're gone a hot with a tartness as he's a power if you made a feature your fucking red bull Yeah, yeah, everyone it's this is like authentic red bull Anyway, I buy you guys authentic diarrhea Right next one from America wait, what's the difference in the taste between this red bull and our red bull? This is flat can I see it oh still she's taking all the bad things today very nice Chris It's very lot caffeine though.
It's got a lot of caffeine in it. Yeah, you're gonna be ready for this I Know this is not the fucking let's drink red bull podcast. It's good medicine man. It's good medicine.
Have you have your good medicine? Yeah With Kathy you remember they used to have a libo Veton it was physically Veton you don't know what that is It's an original Japanese energy drink everyone knows this doesn't has the cogs and they used to they tried because red bull because red bull was so popular in a carbonated form in the West lip over here today a Hey, we can do that and we'll and it was great and I imagine fizzy liposuction how I don't know how that would work What's next then pull next one bit of American classic the Charleston chew I've never had the Charleston chew before it's a chewy flavored new guy with delicious chocolatey coating and also a dance What you copied me because you're a trend set because the dance is the same Does it don't want to fall out pardon me Roy is that the cat a chugeneus shoes? You should have opened it up. Half the magic is open them up as we go.
Come on one handed opener. Oh The raw loose. Oh, there's loose shoes loose shoes in the bottom. No, they might have gone white You know that funny no, it's new guy in the middle They smell very vanilla ye Which is the two where does one shoe begin in the other two ends?
That's a really deep question. I don't like the presentation on these That's what you're gonna be doing later. That's your future. Oh, they're not good.
You'll be sitting on the bottom later banging out Charleston shoes all afternoon It's just like the inside of a twix Tearing them yeah, they're very chewy you know chewing on the kids like that. You can basically swallow they don't do chewing Stuff it wants to also choose who wants a Charleston shoes This is a Take how do you pronounce it? Well, don't to him snack club to heen which is a chili lime powder, but they're done sweet So these are apple chili line The first time wondering if this is what the podcast is yes, sorry So he and you could put it on eggs Is really nice if you get a corner on the cob cover it with mayonnaise puts them to heen on and some Parmesan We have you know, it is this stuff stuff. You know that's called what street corn street corn Oh Oh, please help me with this song what you take forever This is going back to my thought it was gonna go I'm getting right up into this app.
We knew we were gonna over vampal. No, we thought we started like anyway We're done now if we've done for two at 15 minutes Okay, that was my Smells like figs and apples That's you can smell it like pork scratching. Yeah, I was braced for side It smells like cardboard apples with a little bit of spice. There is a cardboard.
There is a cardboard there Little chubby rings, aren't they? They really are solely actually Again, that was what I expected to come out there. I Come on, they're so cute. Oh, I've got two in one.
They're not bad These because this is taking forever. I got another pack. This is Aaron Zona I'm eating fruit snacks mixed. Oh, these are gluten-free and fat free I'm able to feel fruits.
So you can have these as well. What do we think of the apple ring things? They're good. Oh, I didn't try one.
Yeah, I know it's fruity apple flavor and um the Chilean lime is not overpowering at all Although there's a good dusting on it. Oh thing to have paid to come to see people standing on a stage eating I'm sure there's fetish clubs where where you can go to that is this based on a real snack like do people put to What do you mean is a real snack? Not based on what it's not the film of the snack It's the it is a the snack You mean Yes, they do yes, so anyone out gives them to the audience is anyone in my rings All right here you go. They're really nice.
Oh, they're really ugly, but then they've got that heat. Hmm, right. They're really good Well, let's do with that. So this is green tea you can have a go this because they're gluten-free and vegetarian friendly and all that stuff There's apple mandarin and plum blueberry Very small I'm gonna have one of these.
Just don't throw them around Eli. Shut up Are these Arizonites? Oh, anyway Oh, they're so nice. Okay.
No, they're saying like a man would have in the cupboard Yeah, it's a nan snack right next to the upper violets and the party ring biscuits. They're good. They're just not very strong Right Those are actually there are any of those uh hot rings you really like those arsels? Yeah Eli what stuff did you bring we'll do one more and then we'll play the game.
Okay, we have a little challenge that ninja brian Oh, try it on us. We thought we tried on bifos today to see if he couldn't also play the game, which is called So tell what the game is called first. We're gonna do that No More is you monkey mouse what's puto puto puto great content, right? Let's move this up like I've got a larno milk chocolate here touch the class.
What's that gonna do with anything LA as well? It's different LA yes These report to us. It's not interesting. He's just biscuits.
Yeah, and these are big newtons. Yes, it's a big newton You can't work why don't you like fig newton? Yeah, he's like he won't eat it eat a fig newton He's like parrotting me you've got a funny thing about fig newton and I think in front of everyone here you should eat a fig newton Only this podcast can I sit on a stage and have people shout fig newton at me Go on then give us a thing. I'll feed you a new day there.
What do you have against big newtons paul? They know I don't know I'm posing for family photo of Torian There's a certain there's a lot of something against my spine. We're going to disagree with you're quite proud. Don't you guys all right?
What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? What's the matter with that pool? Someone get a bucket Fast what an unnecessary fast Yeah, I don't like fig newtons Thanks for that.
I'm glad you all enjoyed it Don't applaud this show. Do not applaud that. Right. Just being a big baby.
Just do it. Right you shut up sit there We're gonna do a test now sit down question. Do you like mayonnaise? He loves mayonnaise.
Right because we're gonna play a game now talk to us by Brian and your Brian wecked I'm saying a chair. I don't it's just for delivery purposes. So we're gonna play a game called is it mayo You better not be gonna do what I think Just because I bumped up against your shoulders. Do you trust me?
No, all right good. So we got a blindfold for him Yeah, oh, he's got a blindfold. It's very simple. We're gonna spoon different things into your mouth and you've got to tell us if it's mayo It's a three everyone shout is it mayo like a game show ready three two one is Like I said, what weird things are paid to come to say So Eli we've got different types of stuff.
I'm not gonna mention what we're gonna feed him, but right are you ready for the first one? Are you ready Eli? All right, okay, so Worried about that. You're right.
We're gonna put in a spoon now with the mystery liquid of choice. Are you ready? Yeah We're gonna ask you is it mayo you say yes or no all right. So here's your first one here we go It's open here we go Open Close your mouth take it now.
Here's the question is it mayo yes well good is it is right get the second thing now the second thing I mean it wasn't pleasant because it's a spoonful of mayo. I know you love mayo anyway chips and things All right, but here's the next here's the next condiment sauce all right next go Open your mouth Open it It's just food. I would do like this. It's edible.
Come on. It's come on. It's come on. Shut up Come on.
Open your mouth There we go Is it mayo yes it was I actually haven't prepared anything horrible for you. This feels very inside about that. We'll clean it up right next Well, open your mouth for the last one ready On that bag Anyway I bring back some tissue paper, please He's gonna be a few minutes So not many podcasts I like to think Half of it show go for a shit off way, but that is it so I think bifos a bit upset now so Yeah, it was fucked off as well. Oh no Just fed him mayo just loads and loads of mayo But anyway, well next episode I think it's next episode.
We do it with Brian and Eli's in the chair in that one funnier All right, is he right? Okay, no, he's gonna come on all right I'll get a little bit of food. I think I've got another bit of food. We can get going here now, right?
He's gone. He's gone. Oh, should we just tell another joke? Oh Everybody what's the theme the theme is Yes, how you I'm saying I'm out the internet and I think he was in it He's gonna be very cross I can't stop smelling and tasting mayo it horrible.
Yeah, funny. I It's not a shot of my own your mouth Can't because I got bagged off It's gone for his page like I check on him. What have you been up to lately? Oh, I've been counting my beans I've got issues, why did you let me do that Paul?
This way it wasn't a night I didn't bring that with me this time. Thank goodness. Thank goodness I Like a language I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that half of my podcast went for a dump. I'm here's the thing I've come up with a bit of a lighter I thought that I'm glad that ended with random not Frank is basically Have you yeah I clean it up the mayo To pay for it as well Really barrens I'm standing here for my life story.
Oh, I should play the part of myself right Okay, right No, he likes quite sufficient proficient when it comes to toilet we told him about the people's all read He's all business. He's like boss square white So who's he like playing nurse? And gone Next up Did you wash your hands I'm the narrator, right, okay, okay, so Eli who am I? Kind of horrifying I don't what's happened?
Don't get it. It's this young Venus. Have they each CGI de aged it Elvis hair. Yeah, they beat me I think you already be beamed me when you put your mayo in my face.
Did that what happened when I was taking a shit? I brought the load of mayo in my mouth and face not for the first time And you didn't use a spoon you use this weird kind of flesh pipe type thing I don't know what it's I mean, what do you like to begin the penis story right? No, there's no music kidding music. I tell you what here's the music Go our story begins one stormy nights Nurse oh sweet nurse, I'm sorry, sir.
I can't stop to chat a mother just doing that accent. All right, I can't do any Can't do this one you've got about four characters to do it Right, sorry, sir I can't stop to chat a mother just gave birth to the biggest oil used to be be I've ever seen and I need to mop up the visceral Viscera the viscerial there Viscera do you mean this era we can't spend the next five minutes or I tell you what? Listen, Visera Stringy Visera there are bits of a chuff everywhere But I need to know that's my wife had our baby yet she went into a labor at least a week ago. Oh, thanks for reminding me I forgot me yet if it wasn't screwed on yet.
I would forget it if it wasn't screwed on only improvise Yes, your wife gave birth last Monday. Here. He is your newborn son Give me the baby fuck you The nurse handed the week old infant to his brand new father. Oh Oh Wowie wowie I have a son a real son.
That's right. I'm one more thing your wife who was a virgin died in childbirth What do you mean died she shivered a death in the toilet? To me just now Too close to real life Sakra blur the pages and double sided Oh fucking oh Don't drop the baby Right you're still the nurse. Oh fucking old on the other side.
I've got it. Well pages the get very Sadly she passed away before she could give your joints on a name. Oh, this is absurd I don't know the first thing about raising a child on my own or naming a child on my own Here's an idea some people named their children after where they were conceived for instance I have a daughter called Paul Pond and a son called shitterton I know I shall name this boy of mine after the fourth man to walk on the moon Alan Bean And so the grieving father took his son home to begin their new life together now listen here. I'm gonna do some My man Listen here child.
I don't have a lot of money and I can't afford a crib So I've made you a nest out old animal bones and hair Gradually the child began to grow up the same as any boy does father yes, Alan The same is always my boy Cock on man, why is it all I've done? Why is it always cock over and father can't we have something else for once we can't afford anything else boy It's cock over and often and so young Alan ate his cock over and night after night Yeah, even though it made him feel sick and hate his father time for bed Alan, but father it's ten You'll be a dead bird if you don't get to sleep immediately I've slipped the bag of cock over on the epilogue. It's a hungry at the night stroke day Alan did as he was told and fell asleep immediately the next morning he came down for breakfast and his heart sank Oh cock over and for breakfast again If it's good enough for the French it's good enough for us without a good boy and French food is just too spicy and exotic That's their main thing cock over and as everything a young boy could need to sustain through the sustain Chicken red wine lardons mushroom Unopportunally garlic but the other children make fun of me because I just go making a cock over and every day Listen to me boy the only thing I can afford on my fat salary is cock over and I get it discounted for the cock over and factory that road I'm gonna get a job in a factory that makes normal food like playing crackers. Cuckoo van is normal food It's normal food and you're gonna get to eat it even if I have to kick down your frogs mother would never have made me so much cock over So funny I'm getting tired of saying cock over and cock over and cock over and I wish it for you that I died instead of her How dare you burn my cock over Alan was so upset that he climbed out of the house and ran straight into an old man What's really going in your nasty young skimp I'm sorry old-timer not so much of the old don't you know who I am?
That's right on your next door neighbor Obi-Wan Kenobi Now cock over and can I be I'm surprised it's not out now why don't you come inside before the sand people return Alan and Obi-Wan Kenobi went into the jade master's heart Oh, come on where Kenobi made boy his favorite meal. This should warm you up from the inside My master would make it for me all the time. It's called beans on toast What give people like me our power Like an older version of the nurse yes, it's the same nurse as a Jedi master. Yeah, maybe it's a time-trived time-traveling fucking nurse I had to take a shit just now.
You're like I don't think you got it all out judging from your body I'm thinking particularly egg-bounds still walking like a gunslinger. You're like a bunch of fucking tropes Trunk you a fucking tranche a cache of tropes Oh, come on beans. I won't give people like me our power They can be utilized in an endless variety of dishes. I can even be eaten on their own Sometimes I like to put mine in a little ramekin Well after this delicious dish I can see myself becoming quite a bean fan join the club low One more thing Obi-Wan do you have any stories about your master?
Why yes as a matter of fact I do We had a head shake like a peach Yoda sorry Yoda Yoda really hated wearing clothes you see on account of his sensitive skin Space eczema every time he was where his roles eat squirm and complain something rotten So most of the time he just scurry around our caravans to hot naked sometimes on all fours Hey, that's not all you see Yoda had quite a large penis For his size, you know it's in purport scale in scale in you scale it up. It'd be quite big I thought you don't have to finish the story. Yes. It was quite the penis indeed It was thick and long with a teshpid bulb at the end like a big green lipstick Bunchy-chickap-bunchy-chickap it would drag along behind him.
She could spend hours every day just wiping it with a sticky old rag Christ But this morning did you I just I just read what I have to Come on after the old man had become turned on and tried to have sex with The 16 year old boy I didn't use I think we might leave at this point. I don't like this show is disgusting. It's a six day Father father I found a dinner even more delicious than affordable than cock-o-van like you got cock-o-van frankly right? I'm not interested in your far-fetched stories boy.
What could be more delicious than a cock-o-van? The big beans of course, but beans yes, but Beans Listen boy, you come from a long line of cock-o-van man I'm a cock-o-van man. My father was a cock-o-van and his father before him So I'll have no more talk of beans in this house baked or otherwise Are you being like this father? I'm a bean boy now and if I want to keep beans then that is my right Not why you live in a bi-roof if I even get a whiff of beans.
I'll throw a break in your mouth The drama the violence from that point on young Alan led a double life at home He was the perfect son and continued eating his cock-o-van, but when he snuck out of the house at night Oh, welcome to my nightclub different boys penis. I'm Peter String Bean the proprietor of Bean Fellows London swinging his bean bays joint Oh hello Peter. I like beans. They're my main thing cool beans penis.
Would you like to watch me dance? What am I doing? Oh, I love to say I love to Peter String Bean began grunting Gyrating and shuffling while penis flapping laughs Ha ha ha go for it Peter. It's the best night of my life.
Oh shuffle. I'm not doing this anymore Is it me yes, sorry? I've got carried away. I call this the bean dance Does anybody ever told you what a good dance you are mr.
String Bean yes they have as Venus was admiring Peter's exotic gyrations a wealthy looking man snuck up behind him Who am I sneaking up behind me right? Oh hi there. My name is shit at the nofner I'm a talent scout from the top bean based modeling agency I would like to put you on the cover of Bean Teens magazine a bean teen That's literally my favorite mag why don't you come back to me to the bean teens mansion and I'll take some photos All right, but I've heard about people like you. I'm not interested in any of that funny business Whatever kid.
I'm gonna make you a star and so Venus went back to the bean team mansion where he was giving champagne Yeah, and poppers I Finish It's all two Venus watched with hashtag horror as the after Sean being set by to a hose pipe and Francis Bean Cobain Spam around on the spot swearing disgusting hey be this that someone I'd like you to meet this is Rowan Atkinson It's a pleasure to meet you Venus. Are you enjoying your first ever show this party? How are you? Rowan is a I know who it is you're that Charlotte and offer television.
That's right. I'm Mr Bean character with no discernible traits relating to beans It's just a name. It's meant to be whimsical silly name for a silly character who finds himself in comically challenging situations If it's just a name explain why at the beginning of your show just acquire single words Echo home. Oh quill as father behold the man who is a bean a chill axe penis baby Rowan is the not to promote beans and anyone else alive and more to promote beans with a character who is eating beans only once in the In time run of the program whoa whoa whoa whoa let's all calm down a little calm down I live in breathe beans whereas you're a liar Atkinson a liar and a con man.
Hey, that's enough Venus No, no, it's all right. Shittison perhaps be this as a point I've been misleading people and I've become rich off my lies It's too late now for regret seconds and the damage has been done shame on you shame on you The world will be better place if you had your throat cutting your sleep out that's a conically challenging situation This was so angry that he stormed out of the mansion and bought five guns Then then he walked home in the pouring rain and when he got back his father was waiting for him What time do you call this son? Don't stop father. I've had a terrible day We need to talk about what you've been getting up to outside this little house.
What's going on father? Why is all my staff on the floor in the living room? You've got some explaining to do what's all this? I can't believe you've gone through my things.
These are my private belongings bean paraphernalia Magazines posters tins a sign photograph of Rowan Atkinson, which appears to have been slashed with a knife So what if I do like beans? It's not a crime not see law perhaps but of the eyes of God you are a perversion You disgust me Alan my name is and Alan not anymore. It's Venus. My name is Venus Thing Get out of my house Suddenly be this as father was killed in a tragic accident the end Venus is urging everybody How much creative license was in that it's all true all of it I'm rather dying in a tragic accident.
Do we have any questions from the audience about that piece any questions raise your hands? You you sir. No, you're holding a camera. It's not the same thing as a question.
Are we doing a cure? No, we got five minutes. We're gonna use it to ask pertinent questions you question You know by the film rights yes, it's all rights These are also available for movie likes Next question you sir could you advise us what your favorite food is please be this Fuck you know any questions any more questions yet you at the front the handsome by boy with the curls here It's no lebens in this film no he's in New Zealand. Yeah, he's in New Zealand I'm landing pretending to be real people via email which is strange any more questions I didn't call that boy handsome.
He is answering me to dash and chap. No, that's all right Yeah, but unless you call everyone in his room attractive or handsome in some way Starting with me starting with me in going him out handsome finger me sexy attractive horny sexy handsome sexy thrilling sexy handsome gorgeous Gorgia sexy handsome lovely lovely lovely handsome game handsome lovely. Cheers cute beautiful darling suspicious This is my favorite horny groovy slow sleepy dopey doc bashful other angry Pugh's cue Bonnie McGrew go for it They'll grow up all about it kind of the Mexico Panama hate you make a brew for putting the minikin kimikin That's what I'm doing I'm going to finish on everyone Turn up so I haven't got an award that's not fair The angels kiss Give it the angels kiss night. Oh, don't break it.
Yeah Okay everybody I got three more minutes Oh, yeah, have you been a good audience? Yes, who was a never keeping now? No before you do that it is fucking horrible and I don't want anyone Don't do it What's that like lovely yeah come on? Beans Give it all they want to be the buck if you want off key if we could do it after the show And we've given up beans we're not used to shows not over run it I know it's just weird.
Why don't you tell one of your fucking amusing stories about getting into the writing or whatever that goes on for 17 days Why don't you fuck off? Samuel do you like to end the show with the final thought like Jerry's bring it? I know we should all leave the stage and let's just do it Yeah, let's do it. What are you all up to today?
I can tell you my wonderful joke that goes on for too long. Yeah, yeah knock knock Auntie Knock knock Auntie Knock knock Auntie Knock knock Auntie Knock knock Auntie Knock knock Auntie Knock knock Auntie Knock knock Orange Orange you glad that Auntie went away? Yay! That has been the cheap joke digitized across over podcast performance with the cheerful earful box Thank you everyone Ah, the spectrum space area Good, as are Have we failed enough time Paul?
We don't have any empty in June No, sing the thing June Thanks everyone Thanks Cheers Bye bye everyone See you out there