Fuck me. Did you forget to press the phone. No, I pressed the button and I thumbed the pause button, so it's all that gold is gone. Right, we're gonna start again.
This is textbook, cheap show bullshit. So, Eli, I need you to be my hype man. Hump man. Oh fuck.
Oh no, hand man. You're a hand, hump man. Hand, hype man. Oh no, hand, shandy man.
You're a hand, like, so. Hello, welcome to cheap show. The economy comedy podcast and this week, we have got a great, big, lovely, wonderful, years in the making surprise, don't we, Eli? Absolutely, so humding.
I don't thumb nudge the box again. Whatever you do, because this bunch working. You can put that on a t-shirt. Yes, Paul, what's so special about today's episode?
Cheap show. Well, how about we just let everyone introduce themselves and then they're listening, getting fair of their own. First contestant on the one, what's your name and where do you come from? Hi, I'm Chris, no one knows how I am, so that's a good start.
No, everyone knows who you are. Oh, come on. Technical crew, no one cares. The co-chair.
I care. I care. I wanted to invite you if I didn't care. What, I?
Hey? Okay, thank you. Hi. I wish you hadn't come now.
Right. We care a lot, by five, nine more. Yeah. Okay, that's number two, what's your name and where do you come from?
I'm not Dan and I'm from Norwich. Oh, he's doing that thing. What do you mean that thing? I think you're saying.
Ryan, we've all moved on. No, we haven't. That's all. It's literally just coming back.
She's like, oh no, I like me. Wrong. He's like, you're like... No, I'm not doing that.
Wrong. Wrong. Not wrong. It's not even enough for me to chat.
Yeah. Okay, hey. Ryan. Ryan.
Thank you. I regret all of this already. Okay, that's number three. What's your name and where do you come from?
Hello, I'm Stuart. I'm just a man with a man's courage. Oh, I see. You see?
None of your daffinists, I don't want to be here. I'm fine. If you don't know before, what's your name and where do you come from? I'm Barry from the West Country and I've still not beaten Stuart anything.
Oh, I did beat you at one day. You dudes. Yeah. I kind of what it was.
Can I still work? Can I still work? Yes. I'll work for you.
Oh, can I come back for you? It's a real moment. It was. Come on.
What's that? Do you still dream of it? No, I don't have a photograph on your wall. It's a great thing.
Hey, well, you may be able to the playing field today. I'm just going to leave that there. Ooh. Attention.
So it is a Boschins cheap show reunion special and you're welcome along to it. Why not come in and have fun? That's the fucking credit. Yes, it is a Boschins cheap show special type thing and we are going to do what we can to entertain you.
What way are you going? You're taking your clothes off. What? It's like I'm working with Sutti.
It's not going off. Taking your coat off. All the boys and girls love it. Paul, yeah.
Think of something to say isn't based on me or repeating what I say. OK? I'm not going to be here for you or every time, right? Is that the point?
That's kind of the point. It's kind of the point. I'll tell you what, what we will do to get started is one person couldn't be. I'll tell you what we will do to get started.
People couldn't be here today. So Ray Adler was meant to be here today as well. Director, famed superstar and film for merchants. I know the secrets.
If he's listening, I know his secrets. But also, we couldn't get Izzy here today. But Izzy did leave us a voice message. So I'm going to play it now.
Hi, everyone. It's Izzy. I mean, as Eam, I'm really looking forward to filming the Vashans reunion with you all. And I'm really sorry I couldn't be here at this mini one.
Paul's asked me to say my favorite Vashans memory. So I'm going to have to go with any time we recorded sharticles. It was so funny. And honestly, watching Barry slowly lose his mind was just crying from after every time.
Which one to think of it is probably why the camera angles were always so bad. Well, anyways, have a lovely day, guys. And, um, Gannon, just, just, I've got you. Sorry, this is a bit weird time to bring this up, but you actually owe me a fiver.
Oh, yeah. That's fine. We're going to be turning it off. Anyway, that's it.
And she can't be able to say a lot of what she did mention to sharticles. So I thought, let's get us on the mood. I found some sharticles. Whoa!
And I'm going to give you the topics. And all you've got to do is tell me which one you want to start with. So we have today the topics are whales, all rats, hamsters, there's a bit of a theme, a late book, bollocks, farts and lost and found. What would you want to start with?
I tell you what, since it's Stuart and Barry, we'll start with Stuart. What would you like? OK. Um, I'm interested in the late book.
All right. OK. I found this story. It's not a shocking story, but I found it fascinating.
So the story is, mysterious notes found inside book, returned to library 37 years late. And you think, oh, well, a story on Peele, but it might be something more to it. So I'll just read it as is, a book on the use of hallucinogenic drugs has been returned to a library 37 years after it was originally borrowed. Psychedelics by Bernard Aronson was due back on May 30, 1987.
The resulting trip it seems longer than expected, as the book was now laid by a staggering 13,437 days. Attached to the book was a post-it note, which simply said, sorry, so late, it's been a long, strange trip. I'm just wondering if the guy dropped something, nodded off and then 37 years late. No, you see, making a lot of factual errors about hallucinogenic drugs.
Let's get the book started. So I'm just going to ask him, was it you, Eli? He was just taking a book out. It was not me.
I would never return a library. Look, fuck that. Come on, the book did its job. Just tell us the nice thing.
Anyway, there are no substances that can make you trip for 37 years. The longest R is do it, what they call do it, or STP, which apparently is at least 17 hours full on nightmare fuel. I'm not doing this fucking podcast. I'm doing that.
That would start to come in towards the end of the hippie period. And that's when you've got the crazies. Crazy people on do it, or STP. So don't do that.
17 hours of travel. So, ST for a comparison is sort of six to eight, six to ten hours. Magic mushrooms will look four or psilocybin four to six hours. But you could feel like you'd experienced time dilation as part of the track.
That happens to me on MDMA, especially Guidli, which isn't as a side of the story. No, I've really experienced time dilation experiences especially on pills. But if everybody else experienced it too, and they actually think you're like, because late, then that's quite sinister, I think. And also, what did you say as well?
You're thinking of opioids, not a loser, just like for example. It's correcting me over slight whimsy that I decided to add to the story. It's just not real though, is it? What if you're just you're sloppy?
I've been in coma for 37 years off the back of taking a drug. Again, not a realistic assumption. What are you being? No, people don't go into comas from taking psychedelic drugs.
You don't know that. I do know that. You take a drug. You go, whoa, isn't it lovely?
You're full of a building, crack your head, you go into a coma. Yes. Yeah, good. Thank you.
I've utilized my slice of amusement. Barry, have you ever cooked with magic mushrooms? No, not intentionally anyway. A couple of strong risottos and things.
Have you ever had though, like an inkling to make a pot brownie or anything like that? Yeah, yeah, the brownies definitely have the herbal ones for certain friends, 40 if you did request them. Oh, really? No, no, no, no.
It's tricky cooking with that kind of material. I don't know why it would be so fucking cool. I was thinking if you bake it with Wilton, lose its power, but apparently it doesn't. No, I mean, at a certain temperature, you need to keep it.
It's a certain time to bake and stuff like that. That's all the other things. I'm very inexperienced and it can be. I think it can be more effective to use hashish.
Ah, OK. Nice. Good next time. Next 40 to do.
It's written as it's known. Oh. What's like having you with the old weird uncle compt with the water? Not from the children, but the actual people.
Leave that outside. I'm not sure if you're going to do that kind of stuff. Barry, did you know you can make cake with vinegar? I haven't done that before.
I've heard of it. This week in Blue My Mind. Yeah, it's a vinegar pie that I've done with sugar and vinegar. And that baked into a pastry was really cool, actually, but not quite as a hallucogenic.
There's a thing called Crazy Cake, which was a depression era cake. I'm going to go with this because the whole cake bi-weaving. But they use vinegar because it mixes with the baking soda. And it grazes more of a foam when it binds to a plate of coffee.
Yeah, yeah. Nice. Anyway, it doesn't take the vinegar at all. It's just the Italian amount that's used as a kind of agent, the great frothy of foam.
I'd be into it if it did taste more vinegar. You want more vinegar? I like vinegar. Bacon.
Ooh. That's not vinegar. No, you put vinegar on it. Pop it off.
I'm not trying to do it. No, just try it if you want vinegar on your bacon. Barry, go home today with new video ideas for each other. What's a quick save now on the way?
I'm making a vinegar based pot cake for everyone to enjoy. That's what on the vinegar subject. Is it true? Was it you mentioned vinegar sandwiches to me?
No, I didn't. This is a simple... It's a vinegar. No, I think you need a protective layer of butter or margarine.
The vinegar is the filling. Yeah. Do you have to keep it like, oh, it's that way? It's that much vinegar.
Sloppage would be an issue. Don't think I would have a toast sandwich, which is... Do you slice the bread? No, I had that actually.
I'm not sure. I was fattin' up. He did this... What's the...
Not the Wizard of Oz. That's the tea party. It was an acorn thing that we went on to. It was another thought we'd be like, one triangle.
It was just a thought we could say. It was a triangular sandwich. It was soft and soft in the middle. It was a layer of toast.
It was insane. It gave it like, it's like, chew in this. Imagine that being quite delicious. A bit under seasoned though.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I feel like a soft sandwich. It's a layer of toast in the middle.
It's about money. He charges for restaurant. He's saving fucking toast sandwiches. Sorry, that's a big thing.
I'm a maid of children's dreams. Sorry. Next article, you can pick it. You want whales?
Yeah. I like animals. You've got to love this one. What was it?
Country. It's called the country. It's humpback whales, photographed having sex for the first time. Oh, wow.
But both were male. So there you go. Hang on. It was the first time they'd had sex for the first time they'd been photographed.
The first time they'd been photographed having sex without their consent. It's just like they're not selling the pissing waver. It just says it. Foes, you're asking the mammals.
They're doing wails. Wails? Yeah, I'm going to be using that. There it is.
Here it is. Photographs have captured images of humpback whales engaging in sexual activity for the first time. And the mammals in question were both males. They were a humpbacks.
And they're back. They're back. They're back whale. I thought they called me.
Yeah. They called the bearback whale. They're not the bearback. They're not.
Oh, God. Oh, I'm glad they're not recording the face you made when you did that. That was unholy. They're bobbing up and down from this.
As a pretty good sandwich. Anyway, the humpbacks were installed for years by scientists but have published this week. They featured the first photograph of the species having penitent of sex. It's all of us have said.
The whole discovery was opportunistic. As the whale slowly approached the photographers' bones. Sorry. What?
The whole discovery. Which leads me on to. Yes. What does it lead to you on to?
I wonder which blowhole or bumhole? Yeah. The whole discovery. One of these whales made a whole discovery on the other whale.
I mean, it's a big deal. It's said here, photos show a healthy and strong male penetrating another and sex took place. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's not really the real thing.
It's just like just going on about how we're tonight to take a picture to sexing whales. It's just another example of homosexuality in animals which the fascists don't want to hear about. Yeah, well, they're here with about it now. Also, I have another whale fact.
All right. I think it's sperm. They discovered. How do you all look at kid people?
I think it's sperm. It's not quite as sketch and sniff but that was. Scratch and sniff addition. Oh, come on.
They are the only other mammal to experience metaphors. Really? Yeah. They've just discovered it's not conclusive because they were using whale corpses to look at their big ovaries and all that.
But they don't. They speculate and they do not know why. No other mammals apart from us, obviously, go for the menopause. And the obvious sort of conclusion you could draw for why that happens is that they need the whale mums around to help with learning how to plant.
Does that mean you could potentially give a whale HRT? Yes. Well, we've all had something about whale probably too much. Right, and you could pick the next one.
We've got rats, hamsters, bollocks, farts, lost and found. Hamsters, please. Hamsters. Oh, hamsters.
Oh, you're like the first two words. What? Richard Gere. Hey, airplane food.
Test pool, Rod here. Sorry. What? What?
It's a rubber. No. I mean, I'm starting one now, but it's guinea pigs with him. They moved like it.
I had to do an advert where they had two guinea pigs on the set. And then one of them ran away. It's serious movers guinea pigs. Oh, yeah.
And once I went to a sock, I couldn't get out. I had to cut the sock apart. It's a guinea pig out. Yeah.
It would not come out if you liked it in that sock. I think in... I was hoping that the horse reverse guinea was broken. I like guinea pigs.
Hey, I'm pro guinea pig over here. What? You didn't need to take a stand on that. What's up with you, antie guinea pigs?
I'm not a fucking real species. Fuck off. Not for my hamster. It's an animal of a type.
They're not sure. It's a vegetable or something. It's not a proper species of animal. What's a straightener?
It is. It's your pro guinea pig propaganda that you're spreading now. Down with hamsters guinea pigs are a loss. Are you getting hamster out of your pocket?
It's a story. Woman takes dead hamster, spud. I saved the hamster. On tour of Europe because spud loved travelling.
A woman has travelled more than 1500 miles with her pet hamster. She took her at his ashes. To one of his favourite places. Lisa, 47, carried spud in a vial around her neck.
To some of Europe's most recognisable sites including the Louvre and Buckingham Palace. She said she couldn't go out during lockdown and spud died during lockdown. Now she's taking spud around the world in ashes. You've a bit of a kick with them.
Yeah, but I'm not very young. Asian hamster guinea pigs. It's a nice warm feeling that we're still travelling together. I have a sense that he's still present on our adventures.
Whenever we travelled, I made sure his neck lace was on view. The locket hangs so he's just above my heart. Then you know what she said. Can I please have my £2000 for doing this?
Because I'm a shameless piece of shit. You're a stupid vial of fucker. Attention seeking little. I'm blaming whoever at the articles it laid with.
Women takes her to around the world. Oh, by the way, it's dead. And it's cremated in your neck. Women take jewellery around the world.
It's something that's not going to happen. It's slightly unusual pendant. It's just a round of wood. Barry, what?
Why do you think the name was sport? Why do you think the name was sport came from? I don't know, maybe she just fed it chips or something. I don't know how it wants to know how it's like the world.
She knew that she knew that it liked the world. Did she just show where she was here or something? I think it's a bit of trouble. The big fan of jewellery is a travel documentary.
The big fan of Michael Palin is around the world in 80 days. How the fuck did they get that through customs? Seriously. They said it was a vial which would imply that you can sing the contents.
Oh, really? It's a little bit of ash. It's true. It's over 150 drums.
It's paces. It's guinea pig. It's a little bit of ash. It's a little bit of ash.
It's a little bit of ash. Can I make a little guess where the name is called? That's how it died. It was eaten a lot.
It was by potato day. Right. Where's my hamster? We've got my loads of money.
No. That's shameless pizza crack. That's what you think she named the hamster. It went two years earlier.
She said it died. She said it died to name it. It's a great idea. The answer is because if they film his train spotting and that's one of the characters' names.
Is that actually true? Wait, the hamster's got a favourite TV show and the favourite film. Andy loves travelling. No, the woman leaves her like...
If the hamster likes travelling, it's seeing the world. But Lisa just likes the film trains. I just think when two people have such different interests, it's nice that they can find a common ground. The hamster loved heroin as well.
It's all for the dog. So you and Brem the named hamster? Yeah. And she spent £7,500 on the journey.
Well, to me, she was just going holiday and taking something with us. She got a newspaper to fund her holiday. There's shamelessness. I don't know if she funded the holiday.
I bet she did. I know you get a least of 10 grand for a story like that. No chance. They probably just copied off somebody else.
300,000. Chris, do you want to hear this last story? You want to hear rats or bollocks? Rats or bollocks?
Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, bollocks or rats. I'll stick on bollocks, please. Right, bollocks.
Now, this is for the men listening, obviously, right now. The newest beauty obsession for men sounds quite painful. Blokes are having Botox in their bollocks to make them look plumper and younger. Wow.
That doesn't sound like a good thing to do. What? You know what the product's called? This is why I part of my brain thinks it's a lot of shit.
It's called Strotox. Oh. And it cracks an industry's products. It's like a planet from June.
That's the space. We do not travel to Strotox Prime. So it's a bot-unulium toxin that is injected into the testicles and gives the skin a smoothing effect that makes them appear plumper and younger. If you look at how stretchy your sack is, how...
My mind put particularly... I'll do it. How big would you have to make it to smooth out all these wrinkles? I mean, surely...
The easiest thing is to get a little elastic band. Pull back all the spill and then wrap the band around it. And then you've got the pigtails. I'll take five bitches for shirts when they click back.
Yeah. Scrotal clips. Ah, that's a great answer. Ah!
I think there's an opportunity here. Non-surgical scrotal pegs. Hey, can I sort it for a minute? Yeah.
They'll click around the thigh or something. Would you get it? Yeah. If it was discreet, over trousers.
Did you wipe it? Over trousers. That'd be an excellent thing, wouldn't it? Imagine we evolved clothing so that there was a...
Men had a bowl of cleavage. And so you'd shut the top. And then there'd be some point. V-neck trousers.
V-neck trousers. Oh, lovely cleavage on those meds. I reckon there's people listening to this going, yeah, that happens at the club. I go, do you?
Yeah. This is to me. I know this. I don't want to come across.
What do you want to come across? Take post move bollocks. The vanity's, it's suggested to me of, you know, L.B.G. Game it.
I'm not going to lick the waggy game up on this. I'm not going to lick the twig. It's the waggy and this game. You're not like a daily male twig.
I know you would. It's a bad point. It's the vanity of that. I'll get this.
The guy who is now going around boosting this craze is Scottish actor Alan Cumming. Who wrote... So, so Nightcrawler? This is from the S.
They're a different light to me. He's a tack-cooler. He said he went to a dermatologist after finding some docks on his balls and was told it was a normal part of scrookal aging. That's a sense of scrookal aging.
So, then, come in and they want to get Botox injected into their testicles and the procedure is called scrookal. I hate these articles, but they have to scroll, pass them because they repeat themselves so often. So, it's in the testicles to make the actual spheres? That's a lot of the spheres.
It's just really loose in the skin, I think. You don't want it loose, though, do you? Surely, do you just have a tad-looker? Yeah, so famously it gets longer and longer as the light goes on.
You want to plant them up really? You want to plant them up? You know what? If I've got to that point with someone, where they're going to see my sack?
I don't care! No. You're past the point of the return. That's going to break the deal.
I don't want to be intimate with them. That's going to break the deal. That was a bit baggy. That's a bit vanity and stupidity of this.
It's always in your pants. Maybe just put a little bit of a veil. If you're an adult film star or something, then maybe. If you're making a living off the rigidity of your scrookal, fine.
Or turn into a balloon animal. Or turn into a balloon animal. Yeah. They'll drink the peanuts.
Oh, God, that's a thing. Just to end this bit, it says beyond looks, Grotox also has therapeutic benefits for certain medical conditions, including chronic testical pain and excessive sweating. Absolutely fine. Absolutely fine.
But I saw a program about weird fagities once, and this guy had gone way too far, with large issues. I'm reading about afterwards. Very distressing. They're basically, you know, silicon filler.
Not like the stuff you would do around the head. Thank you. And shower or something like that. Medical silicone.
And injecting it into his balls, I haven't seen the image. I haven't seen the image. I've seen it. It's literally a space opera.
Yeah. It's a little space opera. The wheelbarrow. Yeah.
You remember I was in that play. Whale Nation. Oh, God. It was a temporary dance along to a poem that I was one of the readers of.
And we toured it, went to customary. Not the festival, the town, and did it there. I had a whole chapter about whale sex. I mean, it's something.
It really is something. You could swim a scuba dive. I could swim down a blue whale's knob. Biggest penis in the animal world.
Whoa. I've been learning about sperm whales. Does that mean the whole thing? The whole is big enough.
I kind of like the whole is that big to swim down. Mate, it's flipping big. It's the largest creature ever existed. Well, I've found somebody to do this.
The garethera swimmer. That's the top of the boat. It's the sport against that. It's good.
You're coming up. Well, that's your article's then for this week. We'll see you next week. Bye everyone.
Now we're going to move on to the next segment of the show. Right. Ladies and gentlemen, we are doing a portion for you and I thought, what could we do? To keep the joy of those days that we savoured, what can bring that back?
What can bring that feeling back? I thought, what about we do some bars versus hands? But not just that. We're going to mash it with a price of shite and new bet as well.
So what's going to happen is Barry and Stuart play three rounds of three different games. You two, Ryan, Chris, you're going to be gaining your own points by one, placing a bet on who you think will win, so you've got to do a very well win this or shoe or win this, and then getting the price of the item that they're playing. Right. Oh, oh.
Yeah. And you'll be playing four. He likes playing between. Betweens in cheap show are known as betweens, which means they are points.
Between one between equals one point in the other game show. You can't. There's no round and go put rounding down. They are what they are.
So if I point those one between is actually eight point five of those points. Yeah, but this is just a one to one. Actually, and blockbusters. Yeah, we're not going off blockbusters.
Each between is one point seven blockbuster points. You're making it sound like it's the test club club code. Let's go club card. Who's going on?
Wow. No, sorry. Come again. Betweens.
Alan, come again. Way of fucking doing it. Betweens are points here on cheap show. And you're going to be playing for betweens and YouTube will be playing for bars versus hands.
Precious things. A lot of people go through their whole life, their whole podcast listening live, and they never get awarded a between. It's a terrible thing to go without. If you get between, I want you to hold it.
Hold that wing under your pick. Keep it warm. Between will hatch and blossom. So we have three games today.
Oh, yeah, yeah. He said between under his breath. No, fuck off. Sorry.
Look at my ear bespoke between. No, I said you would hatch into a between. No, no, no, no. We don't know what it hatches into.
You're actually a vending ball system. I don't know. I'm very sorry. I've got so many betweens.
Notched up. None of them are hatched. I'm not doing very well today, Paul. So we have three games, right?
Three bars versus hands. We have got a game called the sock game. And then we have a Pac-Man game. And then we have a game called Geddy Grip.
And we're going to give those a go. And you'll be getting the price of the item and which one, Barry or Stuart will win. Am I right in thinking, Paul? We have two parallel face-offs going on.
Yes. Barry versus Stuart. Ryan versus Chris. Yeah.
So I'm going to need two separate game columns of two columns each. You're going to be on your game to keep these scores. I need four columns. Is that what you're saying?
Four columns. Four candles. Four candles. Andals for columns.
Oh, no. I've got something to say. What? Four cough.
Four cough, Paul. That's it. Much better for you. Here is the first game.
It is called the sock game. Oh, that's your sock. Barry, Stuart. I have two socks.
Two very long, very long socks. And inside each sock. Hello, there is. There is.
I'm not even joking. I was naked the day. And this was too dissimilar to waxing. Getting changed.
Inside each sock. Are the exact same items, right? So whatever is in this sock is in this sock, right? And those items are things like a polka chip, a golf tee, a plectrum, a cork, a letter tile from like a scrabble thing, a bolt, a draft piece, a tiny little plastic pig, a hotel, tiny little little, like a knoply hotel, a nut, elastic band, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
What's going to happen is I'm going to spin this wheel. It's going to land on an item and it's basically simple. You reach into the sock and you fish around for it and the first one to pull it out wins. All right.
And you're right. Both hands in the sock. Just one hand. You can have one hand with one hand and one hand with one hand.
And one hand with one hand with one hand. They're all chasing away from you. It's a lot harder than you think of this game. I won't say that because I owned him so hard when we played this.
It was incredible. Are there any razor blades? There's a knitting needle in there. A broken piece of glass.
Small furry animals? Really angry rats. An angry rat. Right.
Yeah, let's do it. So before we go, we have to go over to Chris and Ryan. Ryan, we're going to do three rounds of this and the winner will be the one over three rounds. Yeah, that's a three.
So without your mind, who do you think will win this? Stuart or Barry? Oh, I think. Go with your heart, right?
Oh, look at your heart. You think that gets you think Barry will win? Oh. Oh.