It's the city of crime. Death lurks in the darkness. Criminals walk the streets. London, 2024.
Ooh, nasty. Only two men can defeat the darkness that lurks behind your houses at night. Who are those men? Who are those men?
I don't... I'm asking you who are those men. I don't know. I'm asking you who knew who the men were.
No, I don't know. I was asking you. Why can't we get a man around here? We can't get men for tough.
I need men. I want a man. I love men. I would have kissed a man on the lips.
In the city of crime. I'm hard now. I'm a rocker. I'm constantly rocker.
It's a city of crime. I've got this medical thing where I can't... I can't get my dick soft ever. It's super-turgent.
Anyway, she's what that word means. If anyone knows who the two men are, who can solve the city of crime, ideally not erect, we would like you to email us at thepobox.com forward slash phone number. And if you could just put a note on your email, just a little... Just a little...
...word cold open of cheap show ever. Yeah, just a little bracket, word cold open of cheap show ever. In the city of crime. Are we actually going to go with this one?
I think we're going with this one. I would like to talk like this for the rest of the episode. I would also like to talk like this for the rest of the episode. Welcome to cheap show the city of crime edition.
It's not the city of crime edition though, is it? Yeah, why do you want from me? Hello, well, the cheap show. It's the economy comedy podcast.
No, we're not doing this. We've got to make... I was adapting it for this cold open. And you interrupted me in the city of crime.
It's the city of crime. In fact, crime has gone down in London. The city of crime? In the 70s, don't you know?
In that case, it's the city of ill-repute. With sex goes up. Sex goes up. It's the city of sin.
Two men in the city of sin. Suck it off men in the city of sin. What's the fucking off men? I don't know.
This is why. Paul, this is why. This is why we have to think of a cold open in advance. Oh, dear.
That's good. Oh, everyone, hello. Oh, but it yikes, ladies and gentlemen. It's the cheap show.
Welcome to Cheap Show. That's the fucking credit. Well done. Garrow, I can eat my silver.
Welcome to Cheap Show. Sources and words of praises. Those things I'm responsible for. Chompy, chompy, bora.
I hate you. You've got to be evil, possibly. Cheap show to mama. It's the price of choice.
It's the cheap show. So if your first time listened to Cheap Show, and that was the first thing you heard, sorry. I apologize as well. I'm Eli Silverman.
That's Paul Gannon. Yes, hello. That is my name. And we both present this podcast, which is called Cheap Show, which is an economy focused.
Well, not the economy focused, but you know, austerity cheap. Ah, fucking. You would do so well, Paul. Fuck me.
May I? May I try? Father may I? Yes, you may.
Mayo. Simon Mayo. Simon Mayo became a priest. He'd be Father Mayo.
Fuck you. Which sounds like an alternative Christmas saint. Ah, Father Mayo. Oh, if you left the Mayo out.
Oh, Saint Mayo. Patrant Saint of Mayonnaise. Ah, there should be one. Yeah, Saint Mayonnaise.
Hellman. Saint of Mayo. What's this fucking podcast about Eli? Are you going to do that?
OK, go on. You do it. We are an economy comedy podcast, and we find the treasure amongst the trash. Charity shops.
Yes. Jumble sales, guitars, pound stores, pound lands, other pound based things, moving land, which is a shop round here. Big bonk. Hello, I'm saying big bonk.
Big bonk work there. I don't know why I said it though. We find the fun in the frugal. Yes.
Every week we attempt to find some things to talk about, play with, investigate, or eat, that you can do on an affordable budget, and extremely affordable budgets. And that's what this podcast is. And if you like what you do, what we do? What you do is what you do.
If you like what you do. That's why people do like what they do. It's a horrible life to not like go. Go through life, not liking what you do.
Unless what you like doing is murder. Anything bad. Don't do that. You shouldn't like that.
Ideally, you shouldn't like that. Anyway, well, that's the podcast. I hope you enjoy it. And if you do enjoy it, why not spread the word review us on platforms, all that kind of shit.
It's a tribe. I'm sorry. It's just a cold open still. Is it?
I don't know what's going on. This is the now post intro theme segment of the show where we lay up the land. We lay out the land out. Put the lay out the land out.
Let's lay out the lay of the land out right now, Paul. Let's lay down Martin Landau. Lay out the lay down later. Later lay down Martin Landau.
Later lay down later. Lacrimos. I am lactose intolerant. You are?
Yeah. You shouldn't drink milk all the time. I am. Do you believe anything I say?
I'm not lactose intolerant. You're alive. You're fishing tolerant. I am fishing tolerant.
And that's why, Paul. I made sure that all of the things we're taking today, none are fish or seafood flavored. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
That's all we're doing this week. That's right. Right. So look, one of the things we do on our podcast is we find that one of the things that people do on a budget is maybe eat cheaper food.
And one of those cheaper foods that always come to our attention is the instant noodle branded food. In fact, you could say worldwide, the instant it was an emblem of cheaper food stuffs. Yes. You know, even in the UK focused vision of this story, the pot noodle was a student staple.
It was not. And it was to do with the budget if we fly over to America. And I look at the students there. Why?
They would have their instant noodles, or maybe a noodle from the local Chinese takeaway. Noodles are always the lifeblood, even in Ghostbusters. Remember, they drink the noodles, and they go, oh, this is the last of the money has been spent on these noodles. Is that they're eating noodles?
Noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle. But that's takeaway. And it's very different from the instant variety. I'm just saying it's often a food you can buy on a budget.
Absolutely right, Paul. Thank you, Eli. And to this day, yes, Chinese restaurants in London represent good value, even more so. Because you know what's happening with fast food?
What? Paul, in this world? What? You can't go out with Donald's, spending at least 10, 15 quid.
And the quality hasn't got better. No. This is a phenomenon. So a lot of people, when they are going away from those traditional fast foods, and going more for the casual, like the Wagamamas, and Peter Express, and all of these, you know, the casual dining.
Because you're paying a similar amount for the food. The food's slightly better quality. And it gets served to you by the person. Do you see what I mean?
So if you're going to be spending exactly the same. Why not? Why not? You've almost kind of ruined your own market.
Yeah, it really is terrible. I was watching a video about it, McDonald's in the US. They're fucked themselves. And that's why they're declining.
I think McDonald's in Britain does better. It does, apparently. I'm the food of a better quality as well. And I think I said this before, but I remember when I lived in the States in the late 1980s, 2000s, every Wednesday at Sir McDonald's in California, or certainly in LA where I was.
Yeah. It was like 20 cents burger day. And you can't order more than 20 in one go or something. People would still do it.
I'll have 20 fucking burgers. Yes. All right. It's cheap fast food.
But they're like, when you reduce it that much. They don't do that these days. So that's the opposite. But that's better.
At least it's crap. But it is incredibly cheap. Do you see what I mean? Now it's like it's not even that cheap.
No, it's the point of it. Yeah. So what we're doing this week is we're covering the noodle, the instant noodle, and the Eli. We're doing what we call a noodle pop blitz, isn't that right?
Yes. Because I say tell them the format, then we'll take a break, and then we'll introduce the prat. Then we'll take a break, and then we'll do two, and then we'll do another two, then we'll do a wrap up, and then we'll do the wrap up at the end of the show. And then we'll do it, then we'll go over.
And then we'll do it, then we'll go over. Can I have a break at some point? Do you want to have a break now? Don't press the button.
Oh, fuck this, fuck you, fuck alone. No, do the bit where you go, it's what noodle blitz before that is. I will do that. Well, then we'll do the next bit.
I will do that, then we'll do that, and then we'll do that, then we'll do my guard, then we'll do the break, then we'll do the break, then we'll wrap, then we'll wrap, then we'll wrap, then we'll go home. Take a break. I just want to mention one last thing. One last thing.
Whom last thing. I want to mention one last thing. About burgers. Yes.
As I mentioned to you, I did try the Wendy's, which is relatively new on this side of the pond. Yes. I did try their French onion. Oh dear.
French onion. Cheeseburger. Did you have it? Umami, umami, umami, umami, umami, umami.
Eight armies. Marmies army. Umami, splooshman army. I'm presuming that means good.
They had both Christian onions. No, I'm Christian onions. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Give it.
All right. Christian onions. All right. You can't kill that character off, but which character?
Christian onions. Oh, have some pills. There we go. Don't do that.
It had crispy onions. So basic cheeseburger. Crispy onions, but also, like I said, very reduced onion, French onion soup. Oh, okay.
Soft gravy like onions. Oh, and it's salty. I'm just saying. Well, that Eli's burger, Wendy review.
And please join us after the break. We're now going to break down what the breakdown is for the. Shall I do it? No, we've got enough now in this bit to warrant a second breaker.
So we're going to do that now. So here's the sound effect, which break. I feel like this is the first episode we've done. Now we put a little sound effect in to break up to therefore lean into the magazine format of this podcast.
Enjoy the sound effect. Enjoy it. What would you like? I'll let you pick.
I don't often get to let you pick. What sound effect would you like to have right now? I like one because that's the old fashioned cash machine sound effect. Yeah, but not that often.
There's two beep beep. There's the beep cash machine where I was like beep beep beep beep beep beep. That's the one. And then there's the other one where I'm like beep beep beep beep beep.
But that's like a cash till and there's like there's a subtle difference. So you want the one that goes beep beep beep beep beep. I don't know what's going on now. I wish I had brought it up.
I just wanted to end. So it's time everybody. Yes, it's a time of the show where we talk about noodles. Eli will now introduce the format in the verbal style.
So suited to this format. We taste a bunch of noodle pots. One of which is a pot noodle. But we try not to call it pot noodle because that is the proprietary brand name of a British noodle pot.
Cup noodle by Nishin was the original of these products. That was way back in 71. There is a lot of noodle pots on the market. Now these aren't the ones that come in a little foil wrappers.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. That's, for example, Poodle Dog bites.
Is it? Poodle Dog chews or whatever. It's all about this person who puts dog food on their vagina to get poodle suits it. Well, at least it's poodle.
Poodle's have their strongest bite of any... Really? Of any dog. Yeah.
That can't be true. What definitions has happened? It's about... I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Pressure.
It's the force of the jaw. You're telling me it's worse than a rock wiler. Yes. The gnocchi dog.
I think there are things called gnocchi dogs. No poodles. Despite their charming appearance. I'm bored now.
I know. We've got four noodles to blitz today. We're gonna blitz through them, hence the format name. That's right, Paul.
Um, now... First... You gotta say now that hold on like a silence for a little. Firstly, I had my eyes on this.
I'm glad I got magic, it won, because I got went to Sainsbury's. They didn't have them here. Okay, this is the first of the noodles that we'll be trying today. That's right, and this is a Maggie-branded hot cup.
Wake up, Maggie. I think I've got something to say to you. Maggie made a cup, and I'm heating it just to give to you. Ooh, you're a dirty old cow, and I don't like you anyhow.
I fucked you, because you're just there. Now I'm fucking... Moving on. That's what that song's about.
Yeah, they've got a lot of songs about just telling them to fuck off. Yeah! So that new face is what? It's all the pieces.
Same with me. Yeah, it's like, all right, love fuck off. That's the song that'll chill. No!
No! This is a Maggie hot cup chicken flavour, so I went through there to their curry and a chicken. I thought chicken is the first flavour of instant ramen was chicken flavour. So that's the first one we're trying today.
Maggie and Swiss company. Right. But they're a huge conglomerate, and they're hugely popular, Paul, in Southeast Asia. Oh, okay, fair enough then.
All right, cool. What's number two? He's just digging through his bed nest. Number two now.
This is a noodle brand that has been denigrated by you and me over the years on this podcast. And for good reason to be fair. It's Bachelors. Christ.
They are the company behind Super Noodles, which is a huge noodle. Which is spelled soup as in soup as in mushroom soup. Paul, this is their pasta and sauce. We're accepting slightly out of the bounds of our format by tackling pasta, but it's in a cup, so we're giving it leeway.
I mean, this is essentially a pot noodle in everything, a noodle pot in everything. It's just they call it pasta. Noodles are pasta, pasta are noodles. Oh, I'm not just saying.
It's slightly falls out of our usual remit. And all I'm saying... I think we need to do that because that's where the market's going. Of course, where the market is.
This is Bachelors. They do Super Noodles, which we find are all very... Colleth-lassy and chalassiness and nasty. But this is their pasta and sauce.
Also, I hate that. When they do an and by 2%. They're wrong with an amazon. No, but it's chummy, isn't it?
Not when you have the word pasta before it, because then it fucks up the way your mouth works. It's a pasta and sauce. It feels like fish and chips. It feels more natural.
I agree. It's because it's the open vowel sound at the end of pasta. Yeah, it doesn't work. Bachelors, go fuck yourself.
Fuck you, we're not tasting it now. Boy, is their pasta and sauce. Don't say it. It tastes like...
Cliff Richard's song. Oh, I was a bachelor boy. And that's the way I should see. It's quite close to who...
It was a bachelor, wasn't it? It was still is. Mm-hmm. Right.
Anyway, this is a chicken and mushroom flavour. It says low fat on it, which is probably true, but it's probably very high salt. So it's had a little picture of kettle and says, do not put it in a pot. Fine, we won't let it.
Do not put it in a pot. You can see photos of everything we're going to taste today on the website. One thing that stood out to me from this is it says... Come on.
Deliciously creamy. I think that was worth the wait for me to say that move on. I saw something die and pulled eyes there, everybody. Now, a long time ago.
Now we go for the third option. It's a pot noodle, Paul. We have to have it here mentioned over and over again by us, but they are terrible, aren't they? I'd say that actually worse than super noodle, Tom and Hull.
Oh, I would... No, well, here's the... It's... Chicken and mushroom.
Here's the problem. It's a classic. Chicken and mushroom is the exception that proves the rule. Yeah.
It feels like it's a nice comfort food. We all of it. It's full of salty. It's got a bit chewed, so it's fine.
However, anything outside of that falls into the... Well, I like to call well-dodge area of flavoring. And this looks like another attempt to mix it up somewhat. Yeah, so we're going with a pot noodle, chicken fajita flavor.
Two things that I wouldn't really want to put together, just because I don't... It seems like a point that's crossover. What a noodle with a fajita. A fajita is essentially like a chicken wrap, isn't it?
It could be a spice beef wrap. Oh, yeah, it could be anything. You know what I mean? So again, by that logic, what we're talking about here with fajita is spices.
Yeah. Or the flavor of the meat. So fajita traditionally would have some sauce, spice, chicken or beef, whatever, and then peppers. Like, riddle peppers.
That's a fajita. And they put cheese in it as well. It's basically just like a long attack, isn't it, really? I mean, you know, where's the line between attack on a fajita?
I don't want to get into it. I think probably fajita is a whole sort of western thing invented by Pat. What's that brand called? Paparigis.
What's he called? Paparigis. No, what's that big Mexican take-home kit food brand? Oh, Eldorado or something.
It's not like that, though, isn't it? It's something generic as fuck. But they were at a point in the sort of 80s... El Mariachi.
80s and 90s, where we were getting pushed fajitas in this country, weren't we? Yeah, they were pushing fajitas out. Yeah, right. For all, let's say.
And I question those. I question whether it's actually a legitimately Mexican product. Anyway, it says on this... The chicken quan.
Okay, so it's chicken then. Right, in four minutes. The chicken, what's that even mean? One.
What's the name of this one? The chicken. It's a pun on one. Yeah, it's a rather...
It's the chicken one. So maybe there's a beef one. Or maybe the jokers just use the word quan. And then here it says the chicken one again.
Fuck it. And it's called Sombrero, which is on it. Now, we've all often mentioned the lazy stereotype. The lazy stereotype thing that a lot of brands do with Far Eastern stuff.
Especially that font, that kind of Chinese takeaway font. They call those chop-silly fonts. Yeah, like English fonts that are made to look oriental. Yeah.
But this is exactly the same thing for Mexican because this is racist stereotyping. It's a pushy type. It's a pushy type. But what it is to say is it's more lazy.
It's lazy stereotypes. Yeah, the nature of a nation. Yeah. But again, it's an even, inherently good or bad in itself.
It's just that the association you want to put on it comes from a particular point of view. But that whole thing of using quan as a pun on one. That's like saying, for example, I had quan off the list. No, like a Chinese product and going, Oh, wang or something.
You know, you're making a pun on wang. And that would feel more racist. You know, I'm getting out. But this should be seen as just as sort of problematic, I think, and lazy.
Yeah, but I've got to just boil into branding that now. So it's neither negative or positive. It is. Anyway, that's the one we're going to taste.
The chicken feeder. I think it's going to taste like chili heat wave to retow. It's sort of the first 15 minutes down a board. All those other ones.
The fourth one. I'm going to tell you, Paul. I'm having actually enjoying this. Oh, I'm enjoying this.
I'm trying to kill my vibe. Let me put it this way. I'm dangerously hanging on to the precipice of this conversation. I might think it's a feeling weak.
You're harsh in my vibe. I know, but I'm still with long. Fingers are feeling weak. Yeah, because I'm hanging off the precipice.
Oh, sorry. I thought you were feeling weak. I thought you were feeling weak because you hadn't been having one off the risk. There you go.
Thank you. Did that put me another minute? It's what you want a minute quick. What is it?
So the last noodle would be tasting, Paul. Yes. It's it's too. Eat beautiful.
They have a chain of restaurants selling sushi mainly. Yeah. And noodle soup. It was a it's too restaurant.
So I think noodles chicken bits and all but all doodles. I forgot. Almost. Almost.
I had to get it in my head. My head in my mouth had lost it. It can't all be gold, Paul. I wish I'd be gold every once in a while though.
Talking of gold, there was a gold trim on this noodle. To give it a little bit of a say, qua. That is giving their positioning themselves as upmarket. I don't like it too food.
I don't know what it is. No, I don't. I find it incredibly bland. And we have tasted one of these before.
It's like bland with spices. Yeah, it's really bland. We tasted one of these before and we really hated it. Yeah.
But I noticed they have changed the branding in terms of the artwork, which is all very sort of pretty, it's golden-like scene. It's the kind of effect. Like a vase or something like a Chinese vase or something. Yeah.
But what they used to have was those terrible sort of Calvin Klein advert. Black and white photos of people who like Chummy Coppy. Yeah. But I think that's an improvement.
They obviously got some feedback. People didn't like the sort of aspirational. It's just a landscape. The flavor is satay.
What is it? Is it rice or is it noodles? Satay are those skewers of meat which have a peanut. Yes.
I like that. I like that. I like that. It's a lot of sauce.
But they say here, handcrafted. I mean, that's f*** off. Why, you know, who's buying that? Why would you even put that on anything?
Who cares? This is obviously a mass produced product. Why'd you say handcrafted? Handcrafted miso.
Like sticky, crunchy socks are handcrafted. You know what I mean? Yes. You're not going to eat that, though, are you?
Well, yeah. I mean, I could put a poo in my hand and like squish it down. That'd be handcrafted. That'd be true.
Squish it right down. Squish it. Squish. I'm trying to get out of this.
Squish, squish. Handcrafted miso broth blended with Japanese sesame paste. Fine. OK.
Fine. That could be better than the ones we had before. It might taste nice. We could only hope.
So with all that being said, we're now going to take a break. And then make the noodles. And then make the noodles. And then it takes the noodles.
And all that. So what we're going to do now is we're going to do the first two. Which two do we go to start with? We're starting with the pasta sauce and the muggy.
The muggy, which is new on the market. This is how new this muggy was on the market. Couldn't find it since we said my eye on it for this episode. And then I went to the Turkish grocer.
And they had it there. Got that. What a pull-over there to look up the price. Oh, dear.
They had to look up the price. Which one? Because it was so no. £1.39.
Not bad at all, really. But what it is. What it is. I mean, and the corner of the market, let's see the package, which is £60p.
I mean, this it's two one. Might be better, might be worse. Was over two quid. And it's got gold trim on it.
All right, so we're going to come back after this little break. Well, just to do the pasta sauce and the hot cup. The bachelor's pasta sauce and the maggy hot cup. Both of which have a problematic pronunciation.
So I want to say maggy can't cut. And pasta and bastard. All right. We're going to put the sound effect in and come right back.
Join us for the taste session. All right, Paul. I'm back. You're back.
With the first of our two noodle pots to taste today on this blitz. Oh, mother, et cetera. Mava. I like saying mava.
He didn't go, I paraphrrazed Bowie's suffragette city. Oh, quick thing before I forget. We did, they do both need a couple more minutes. So I built this in.
All right. Good. Listen to this waffle. They've brought in the new names of the overground lines in London.
Yes. And the one near me, which I knew was the goblin line because it gospel oak to bark into gospel oak gospel oak to bark into bark in goblin. I know it is that. But it's now suffragette.
It's now the suffragette line. And I'm like, how am I going to remember it? It's called the suffragette line when it used to be the goblin line. And I've built a memory palace.
What about this? David Bowie did suffragette city. Yes. Yes.
What was the character that David Bowie played in Jim Henson's labyrinth. Ziggy Thordos. The goblin king. And a labyrinth, if you think about it, looks like a tube map sort of thing.
That's my memory palace. That's why I remember it. The suffragette line was used to be the line they used called the suffragette line. I know already.
Yeah, but it's hard. It's not either. It's helped you. It hasn't.
I bet next time you think, what's that line? I can call David Bowie and his titans. No, I can see the suffragette. We had them VHS and my sister was obsessed with looking at Bowie's knob in those titans.
OK. Well, they were. They were both factory in the way. They had mania.
They had mania about it. Now, Patty, I need jostolates balls in that as well. It's very bold heavy that film. Big old ball heavy film.
It was a flop, wasn't it? It was a flop. What is balls? What is cocking balls?
What's a big flop? I said Jennifer Connolly was hot to someone the other day. And they were like, yeah. Are they talking actually probably one of the best looking women of the era?
She's a very beautiful woman. Don't you think? I think so. I'm perhaps it's just artonic.
I love brunettes. Oh, I don't know. Art type. It's not a favourite Nintendo game.
Oh, no, that's terrible. Now is it? Is it? Was it?
Paul. I'm very sorry. It's OK. I have some notes on the prep.
La la la la la. I have some notes too. That was a good note as well, Paul. Now desperate this week, mate.
I know you are. The pasta sauce. The pasta unsourced. Chicken and mushroom.
Yeah. A very farty smell coming off it. I have a huff. Go on.
I can at least puff. Let me just finish the prep on it because it needs another stir. It's there with a stirrer. Oh, it looks very creamy.
That's the whole thing they're saying about it. It's creamy. Yeah, but also it's creamy in that last gasp of vomit before the dry wretch and kicks in. It is macaroni if you're wondering what the shapes are.
Yes. I'm sure it'll be a lot. Now that needs another. That needs more time.
I want to puff it still. Yes. Huff it before I put it. I need to put the lid back on.
All right. I can do that. OK. Huff it.
Oh, weird. It's a little bit farty, isn't it? It doesn't smell horrible, but it is a little bit buff like. Yeah.
A little bit farty, buffy, salty flavor. Now. Sorry. I don't know why I found that for me.