Are we doing a Frankenstein episode? No, we're not doing a Frankenstein episode. We're gonna stick it together for a while. Nice to see my bit.
Yeah, this podcast is like trying to stick it together. I was gonna do my bit in case I was listening. It was a cast of me as the monster. Yeah, go on, go on.
Action. Ooh! Ooh! No!
No! No! That was a really good warmup. Now do the first.
Well, there you go. Go on there, you can be Frankenstein's monster. Now go on, give us your best impression. She hate me.
I didn't know we were doing actual vocalisations. Like he says, he says that in Brighter Frankenstein. I've never seen Brite. What?
What? You can see all the Brights. Better. Shucky, Reanimator, Frankenstein.
Yeah, that's the great one. I've seen Bride of... I haven't seen any of the Brights. Speaking of which, thank you for my album, guys.
I've got Chitchel LP there for our guest. Yeah. Number 90 in the Scottish charts. I love it.
I specifically ask for it and I will pay. Do you, erm, what kind of equipment or setup you're working with in terms of VZV playing the old platters, the old vinyl? I got myself a really fucking incredible high-fi system with the surround sound in 2015, 2016. I'd loads of money.
And I bought this thing and it had surround sound in terms. I've got a house in 2019. Never reset it up so I got one of them cheap little ones that does everything in one. Got a tape deck on it as well.
Oh, but you've got it second hand. No, no, no. It's not second hand. God, what are those cross leads that have a built-in tape?
It's made up of wood. That sucks. That's wood. Does Bluetooth.
You've made the high-fi stuff in me a very unhappy man. Well, you know, I literally had this amazing high for you. It doesn't sound like shit. It sounds like shit.
Do you know what it sounds like shit? Do you know what it sounds like shit? It sounds like shit. Having some air sounds, but not having plugged in for six years.
Plug it in. It's not case of plugging it in. It's like getting up some wire strippers and connecting it. I'm not doing it.
Brackets to hold the wire up. I was CDT. I didn't do tech tech. I didn't do tech.
Yeah. One of the best things I ever did in CDT was a totem pole. We all had to do our own totem pole. But taking basically, what do you call it?
Not a plank because it's square. What's that called? A tube of wood. What do you mean?
It's kind of like a table leg. Square table leg. But all the way down. Not tape it.
It's just a stick. A stick. A square stick. A 3x3 plank.
Not a plank. Yeah, but it's 3x3. So it's square. Like a 4x4.
Yeah, I guess a plank would be a plank the amount of the dimension of it. I was thinking the plank is having one surface flat. Yeah. That's because of what planks are.
Of pirate dates. Isn't it when you walked the plank? Yeah. That didn't happen.
That was never a thing. No, no, no. No, I think it did. No, no, no.
There's no wrecking. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no.
You're going to Argonne it. We can't! We can't. We can't!
We can't! It's 3x3. You know what? I've done a CDT design on it.
What did you actually do when you... Tell us about this totem, Paul? Yeah, please do. We've got graph paper or special paper, and we did like a...
that perspective that they use in some of the default paintings before where it's all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or thought you could do it on sort of special squared paper. And then we did a design for the totem on that.
And then we used various tools such as a chisel... JWait. Can you tell me about... What are you talking about by this episode?
And then we designed it and Mick B, who was my CDD teacher. Mick B. Mick B. What a legend of a man.
What was he like? Yeah. He was a Marxist. I was a Marxist.
I had one wondering I, total Marxist. Total XTP would never miss the opportunity to tell us about how he, after uni or whatever, he rode a motorcycle across Afghanistan, smoking hash all the way with his wife. Deadies now. Did you always run a...
Did you always run a control to a totem pole? Did you... Did you all do a totem pole? Or was it like that?
Was that the project? You did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in a tie-rack.
You made a tie-rack in CDT. Did you still have it? Yeah, my dad's got it. Are you joking?
It's beautiful. Yes, it's beautiful. It was beautiful. Like, made out.
Made out. I didn't lay there. I cut it all out with the things and it was beech wood. And I used beeswax to kind of do it.
B beeswax? Is that beautiful? No, not make beeswax. You don't want any of that.
That's nasty. I've never had come and described as beeswax before. Oh, I've never had come. I can round this a little bit longer.
It's really over at all. It's supposed to be really wringing out. Get the dregs. Oh, well, the cheap show.
The cheap show. The cheap show. You're not even on the Pepsi Max cherry? No, no, no, no.
I'm kind of coming off diet drinks. You are. Yeah. You just drink more.
You just drink like I can drink three or four liters of Pepsi Max cherry. But if you drink a pint of full fat, that's all you want. Yes. Because you're chasing the dragon.
Chasing the sugar. The sugar buds. Yeah. Which never comes because it's diet.
You have red bull. You're getting other stuff. Oh, tell me. That's why I go for the diet.
No, I'm going to get the caffeine. Straight to the stomach. Ooh. Do that affect you though anymore?
Because you drink that so much. Does it not? It gets you back to normal. Yeah.
And, one of them is started. Oh, what's the? It's also you're a monster. Lewis Hamilton's.
I think it's monster. See the monster rock star. They all get lost in the. It's rock star One is monster.
They're the big two. But what's the other one is the third one? Is that? All the balls, the balls headline?
Red bull. Now it's like coughing. No, it's relentless relentless relentless. They're the three awny.
Monster. Red bull. They all start with our. They all start with our.
But Red Bull isn't a monster. Red Bull isn't part of the game. Red Bull is its own separate item. It's a first of the game.
Or Red Bull tastes like Red Bull. Introduce the show. Hello, what's Chief Cho going next? My name's Nick Helm.
Oh, and we've got a special guest, Nick Helm. I haven't been here since we last recorded. Right, what have we got for Mr. IKEL, special guest.
I was going to ask you Paul. I was going to ask you Paul. Yes. It's any sort of housework or anything you'd like to do.
Live show? Yeah, live show. Someone's had to pull out. And I would like an apology from that person right now while they're in the room.
That's unique. I would like you to apologise. To my audience about why you, I was really excited to have you on a live show. And now you tell them you can't do it.
Explain why. We had an email chain. We had a text chain. I've bought it all out and it was me saying, well pencil me in until at the time.
And then you googled me and you said you're actually in hole that night. Do you want to drop out? Yeah. And I said, well yes, please.
No, no, no, no, no. I feel like I haven't had the whole thing. Well, you can't have it that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I also said you way back there. You sure? I didn't want to go. This is it.
Listen. If you don't listen for a moment. We had one whole day. If you dare fucking side with him right now.
I know you're going to get married for the moment. I just want you morally to know that. No, you know. You know, you're always going to.
I think the podcast one whole fine. No, I'm also disappointed. And then Nick Hell has- We had to- As chicken down, we sold out that whole date immediately. But the first one.
And that was what was gonna happen. It was gonna do the hell- The whole day. I was gonna do the whole day. And then I was gonna come down the next day and do cheap show.
But then I listened to one of your episodes and I hated it. So I thought I was no way I'm doing it. No, then we added the whole day. Then we added the whole day.
Then we added the whole day. And we added the second time. We added the second time. We added the second time.
Yeah. Right. And so it was- What are you doing? It was a solo show.
I'm sure people can find out about tickets if you would like to do that now and get up. Orca. Oh yeah, it's tickets from nick-helm.co.uk. There you go, see.
And we're kicking all the way up into the 29th November. But on the 23rd November I'm doing Cintol, which is twice as big as any of the other venues. Is it? Yeah.
That's my home town. Yeah, because I went to do your comedy night in St. Albans years ago. Yeah, right.
Well, I wasn't born there. I was born in London, but I lived there for a fucking long time. And I've got to go back and entertain all my bullies. So that'll be fine.
You can bully them. Yeah, well, I'm sorry. You're gonna- You think what I am? That's not why I do.
It's short. I mean, it's basically the JITI VORAC, but we'll move on for that. I'm not sure it is. Guys, come on, you once.
Yeah, guys, we've got three things to eat and a couple of miscellaneous. Sorry, sorry. I just want to start. If we're gonna start, at least take a little break.
I like to chat with the book. Don't tell me when to push the button. Kind of the point of that was a bit of tickets for St. Albans.
Yeah. Go see me. Okay, because you're concerned that you need to sell more tickets there. I absolutely do need to sell.
Twice the size of all the other venues. Put it together. Yeah. You've got to do two nights in Hull.
If that venue was twice as big, it'd be one night. We stayed in Hull one night. I like Hull. I like Hull.
That was beautiful. Yeah. They had a river at the back of their garden. You remember that?
Yes, cool. Hull is gorgeous. My parents met there. If it wasn't for Hull, they wouldn't have fucked.
I wouldn't have popped out. They wouldn't have had sex, and then there's one in your mum's hull. Never talk about my mum's cunt like that. I didn't think of that.
And then her stomach. I mean her tummy. Yeah. It works for Hull.
I hate the word tummy. The hull is the cunt of a boat. about. No, you would not.
I would. You might say it only after you heard me. But that's because we pirates, right? I tell you what, I've got a bit of an album.
So yes, Nick unfortunately will not be at the live show, but you didn't ever announce it. You did. You did. However, I can say that unless this guy pulled out as well, Paul Putner will be at the live show joining us for the comedy locks with Leena on October 18th.
I think it's October, everybody. And for those interested, we will have new keep Joe Pins on sale, the remaining album to be available for sale and then sending off some copies of the magazine as well. So we'll be selling some merch after the show in the car park outside. No, in the actual bar.
I don't think we'll have to, I think it's a kick of sound and say something, making a noise. No, no. How many sets was last time? No.
I track about six or seven genotomics. Yeah, yeah, no, but in terms of I want to get the stuff out and sell it there. Oh, I see. Anyway, you're impressed about that.
Now I can press the button now that the admin is out of the way. I think we left it as a heavy pencil. Paul Putner also had a head selling for the 18th of October. See you there.
Can I press the button now? You told me I don't tell you. I'll tell you to press it if you want. If you need me to, yes, press it now.
All right. I know on cheapo Eli is taking over to share with us some of the likes that he's brought along with us this week. I've got plenty of stuff starting with this. What have you got?
What's that? Is it a bell? Oh, what's the bell for? It's some kind of medical bell made in Taiwan with a weird plastic casing and an indecipherable guide on top.
Is it for like an indecipherable guide? What does it say? What does it say on top next? That says D sharp, which means that's the tone that is really so cool.
So I've got a set of these that has all of the different is this for musicians to tune their instruments. It's for kids that are all bright and kind of bells and then you do it by bottom because I'm, you know, I do music and I thought maybe I'll do some bells for something, but I've just kind of given them to my name instrument bell. But this is an instrument bell, but also this plastic casing is there so that you can have it next to your bed if you're ill and you just do that because if it didn't have the plastic casing, it would just be flat on and it wouldn't raise. So it's quite nice.
It's quite nice tone. So yeah, it's interesting because why would it have that on it? Why would an ill person be like, Oh, I'm not with D sharpening another one. It must be for musicians, but it has a sort of, well, the bell is for musicians because it's a musical instrument bell.
But also this stuff here is just for ill. It doesn't have a look like a hospital or old person's home thing. Well, it's the peach chlorine. It's the peach chlorine, white coloring of the shaft and it's sort of yellow and it's sort of medical plastic of the yellow plastic.
It's like yellow, it's like tobacco. Yes. Yellow. Yeah.
I like it because you can imagine it next to an elderly woman in the coma reaching out of the last breath of ring the bell to get help with the orderly as bells go. And I sniffed a few of my life. This bell smells like death. I want to ring it.
I've got a bell that smells like death. Oh, my God. Oh, okay. So I'm going to be my bell Joe.
No, I just ignored it because you know, you'll do it next week. You don't do this then it's a press out. You can do but I get a lot of these people are very weak. It's a nice tone though, isn't it?
I find it very satisfying to just don't know. No, you're not letting it know. I know. I know.
I'm muting it. You're not letting it resonate. I know. You don't want to find that.
That's fine. Yeah. Well, he's got control over the sound, doesn't he? That's nasty.
No, I don't. Stop. I like it. So why boy?
It's great. You can have it as a tie break on the price of strike because I remember how much was paid. If you had different tones, if you had more than one and they're all different tones, they could be your answer. Your answer buzzers.
If I ever felt like, you know, starting a hotel chain, yeah, you could have been already on a bell. They could be ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, What song is that? It's in the mood. It's in the mood.
I thought I made it up. Do you see having a dream? Now, right. I've got a question for you.
Yes. When was the last time that Nick Nax, the beloved British corn snack, came out with a new flavour? Oh, when was the last time they released it? I would have thought for years.
Name the flavours of Nick Nax. Nice and spicy. Nice and spicy. Ribbon saucy.
Ribbon saucy. The nicest spicy one that's a bit like lemonade and fishy. That's scampy. Scampy, OK.
They brought it back. Can't you just ask him to know about Nick Nax? Can't you just ask you? I know the few things that I call it.
I remember the rib and saucy ones. I remember them in absolute fucking dishes. And it feels like they use less flavour in that? Yeah, I think that's across the board in a lot of things.
The corn is sort of like the flavour of corn overtakes the flavour of... You don't want to taste the corn. I don't want to taste the corn. That's what the fucking flavours are.
You know what I mean? I want to have nice and spicy flavour. Yes. I think they've dialed down.
It's diluted, isn't it? I think because walkers are part of such a huge... One of the biggest food conglomerates on the planet, Frito Lay, who have Pepsi, they have KFC, Pizza Hut, all sorts of food brands. And I just think they've become homogenised.
You know, it's like when we tasted those pickled onion, munch of flavour crisps. They were crisps with... Oh, horrible! We've been there.
That's like inception. Yeah, it was. It was like crisp inception. Confection.
Can we use the term crisp inception? We might have done. Last week or something. Anyway, they were terrible.
Unpowered. Do you remember? Well, our theory was that flavour profile works for the corn maze, once the corn maze, when we snack, it builds. But not for the potato slice.
And once the munch, I'm sorry. But do they dust them or is the flavour throughout? I think they dust all crisps. You can't put the crisps in the corn mix.
Why would they do that? Because they're making loads of different flavours, aren't they? Yeah. It's probably sprinkle on a big...
Yeah, it works. If you'd have the batch, different batches of the corn mix with the flavours in and then cook them at different times. It'd be a bit of a dip in the top all night. You'd be up all night making Monster Munch.
Well, have you ever taken a Monster Munch, crisp packet, put it in the oven? They used to say drink it down. That's a batch. Yeah, but you can't do that anymore, can you?
Because they're... That's an... They put foil in. Yeah, it's different.
But when they used to be just plastic, like smithings, you could... I'd like them and then you make a little badge out of them. How cool was that? They'd be like a pack of crisps.
But they would be like a perfect miniature. Yeah, it was fucking cool. It was cool. It was cool.
I don't know when the last time they brought out a flavour of knickknack. I'll tell you where. Here we go. Hang on, have we done all the flavours?
Yeah, three, isn't it? It's just three. Nice and spicy. Riven saucy, scampi lemon.
Yeah, and scampi lemon is the new one. What about the hot one? No, no, no. No, no.
You're getting confused about the scampi lemon. I'm getting confused in general. Scampi lemon, what discontinued? Right.
And then became this huge, like urban legend. It's not like vagina, basically. Scampi lemon was discontinued. Right.
And then became this huge, like urban legend. It's not like vagina, basically. It was the gist, right? That's the urban legend.
Yeah, it was all like, sniff my finger. I've had my fingers right in the pack of scampi lemon. Beautiful lemony for ginors. Well, you'd hope that.
I got to see that. You'd hope what? You'd hope there was some freshness to a vagina. To a lady's whole.
But if it was fish and lemon, then you're like, oh, you've just taken a wet wipe of some sort. And just sort of done that. It's not been a full deep wash of the vagina. No.
Is that why you had no dental wipes to potential powders? I'm not going near your vagina, but how do I do that wet wipe? Oh, God. Disgusting.
Anyway, you could poke a hole through it. This quarter of 2025, they've got new knick-knack flavour. Oh, I've got packet. You are?
Yes. What? That's right. And I've got a packet for us and I'll get knick held.
Alright. It tastes today. Oh, it was this. What's this?
No. It's like a picture of this. No. Yeah, we'll use what?
Tell us it's an audio podcast. Tengy and cheesy. Which is going to be like, what? A fucking cheetah.
No, it's going to be like one of those, erm, you know what they say, shop cheddar. It's not like a quavel with a soft cheese. I find the whole concept of tang quite interesting because it's quite woolly, isn't it? It's not very specific.
What tangy, what makes something tangy? Is it sweet? Is it sour? Is it salty?
Is it umami? Is it any of these things? You know, tango. That's not just tango.
That's not a fucking thing. No, it's not. I bet tango is like an 86, so people didn't really know what avocados were. That was a different era.
You see them in the back of these. They also do discos. They still make discos. You know what discos are?
They're the round ones, right? They're basically Pringles, but tiny. Yeah, and flour. They aim to make them flat.
They don't do square crisps on the back here, but... You can still get square crisps. Oh, you can't. What's the best flavour?
What's the best flavour? It's all veg. It burns. There's something about a square crisper that delivers a more intense version of those same flavours.
Oh, yeah, everything kicks with a fucking dance. It does. It kicks you with a throat. I have only a tongue dance.
Every single one of those. You're talking about are they? What? You're told to talk about that.
No, no, I'm not talking all the way back there. I'm talking about the bollocks I've got on the front now. Skips. Skips.
Skips. Skips. Skips are all right. Hey, Stin.
I'm not supposed to give a mentally tiny look at that already. re-released quavers red Leicester version. Ooh. Me released.
That was never a thing, was it? Hang on. You're the one who told me. You're such a gaslighting prick.
What's a fucking hell? He told me that they'd had red Leicester quavers out for ages. No, no, no, that was Cheddar's. Cheddar's had red letters.
Cheddar's do'd have red letters. That was Cheddar's. No P I told you the other day that I saw a packet of red Leicester version quavers. And you said, Oh, yeah, they had the first round of this.
I overused the phrase gaslighting. He was mistaken and he was right. You're already gaslighting me now. You fucking should be.
So, skip saying, I can't understand what you're saying, it's all blah blah blah. It's very triggered by this conversation. They also do, barbecue flavor crisps, skips, skips, skips, what other flavors? Skips are one of those things that I just associate with cocktail flavor just...
Of course, yeah. ...only exist in the square crisps. They don't all talk in a go, yeah. But there's a bit of a...
...with skips they melt on your tongue, right? But then occasion... ...what I don't like about skips is cation, get those harpets in it. And it makes it for the cloud texture, fucking.
Yeah, like gristle, it's like there's a crisp gristle. Yeah, gristle. Gristle. If you ever let a butt, there's a danger here.
Or a skip, start to melt at the time. And it's only you think, oh, I'm going to get rid of this. It's stuck, ah! You can rip the flesh of your tongue.
Yeah, yeah, like a suction per... ...it's a terrible place to be. So should we touch this plate? Then you've got wheat crunchies, right?
Oh. I love a bacon, wheat crunchies. They're baking other ones, right? They used to have all the flavors, but I think bacon...
...was the sauce flavor. Do you want to hear something? Doesn't matter if you do. Because this is a recent memory.
I can't remember if I've said this on a podcast or anything. I had girlfriend. I think you mentioned that on a podcast. So let's try these crisps.
No, I had a girlfriend. She used to eat wheat crunchies. And she used to do this thing, I never saw her do it. She just told me about what she used to do.
She used to do this thing called... I think it was called vollovons, maybe or canopays. Oh, yeah, they built everything. No, no, no, no.
A vollovon is a subcategory of canopays. So I can't remember what she called it, right? But it was either a canopay or a vollovon, right? And what she'd do is she'd get a wheat crunchy, she'd chew it up, and she'd spit it into another wheat crunchy.
And then eat it as kind of like a... A vollovos drink. Oh, it's almost like... That's the best thing I've ever heard!
It's almost like a cannelloni kind of thing. It's like a stuffed... Oh, a self-stuffed wheat crunchy. I mean, mouth slop cannelloni.
It's a masticated mouth slop cannelloni for yourself. It's very posh-cludged in solo. You get women to cut your table and do that for you. Into the gym.
And the rest. Okay. Yeah, go for it. And I went to a half-report first, because that's the way we do this.
Jocelyn off. Before we do that, so Nick Knack Discoskipsqueat crunchy. What would anybody talk about? Pop music.
Wheat crunchies, square, disco. Nick Knack. Well, that's good. They're low for me.
I like the techie with the white flavour. And the square's on on this. Oh. Square's on.
Although I would pick a square over a disco, right? I have a whole list that's on the back of Pat. Disco skips. Wheat crunchy, Nick Knack.
Right, I'm gonna go... Disc... Sweet crunchies first. Wheat crunchies first.
Then... Nick Knack's. Then I go discos. And then last place I put the skips.
I think it's joint first. I think it's joint first. Sway's not on the back of that packet. I'll admit that.
I'll miss that bit. But for me, it's joint first and joint last. And it would be Nick Knack's wheat crunchies right there. If I was in a service station I'd want one.
I'd pick the other. But I would never go discos and I don't enjoy skips. Now, square crisps. Oh, God.
They're the Billy Bollocks at the mall. I would like to bring back a bit to pizza crisps. Oh, they're very nice. They could add a skips texture.
But the pizza flavour. Yeah. What were they? A bit to pizza they were called.
They were Smith's crisps. Oh, my God. Is that a sniff? Oh, my God.
Is it good? Is it cheesy? Do they just smell like Doritos? Oh, do you know what they smell like Doritos?
No, they smell like Doritos. Is that heavy cheese? Yeah. I know.
What about that heavy cheese? Do you smell like you do that? In my pants this morning. Oh, my God.
Did you actually do that? Ooh! Ooh! Do you know what I mean?
It's a very cheesy sniff. Look, take some out because we're going to taste some of it. Oh, yeah. Now, we're looking for tang.
We all know what cheese tastes like. It's going to be any tang. Oh, God. Yeah.
What's your idea to smell? Very cheesy. To me, these are very quaver-like. Yeah, right.
And, you know what, to be fair, that's exactly what they taste like. They taste like quavers. Generic cheese crisps flavour, yeah. And what's it?
Yeah, and you know, when they all crunched up in your mouth, it's almost the same texture as the other one. I wouldn't say we're tangy, though. I can't get anything apart from cheese, but it is quite a nice, strong cheese flavour. There's a slight amount of heat at the back of your throat.