I don't know why I use it. It's me hips to suck it. It's me hips. Please, can we start again, please?
Hello Paul. Hello, P.N.I. It didn't mean to say P.N.I. That's good, though.
I didn't mean to say P.N.I. I don't know why I think. I think I got confused. I thought I was going to almost say my name.
It's a good... I like insults that only change one little thing about something, you know? Yeah. Like one with reviews.
Yeah. House of wax becomes house of wax. Yeah. Or example.
Other examples. I don't think any good examples. There are all other good examples. I'm sure, but we're not going to get them right now.
Hello, everyone. Hello, everybody. Hello, everyone. They're going to be no problem today.
Hey, huddle. Two things, Paul. Yeah. I just want to make slight corrections.
Is that one of them? No. I'm starting to count things now. One.
No, that's not the thing. I haven't said the first thing. I'm saying one. I didn't say one.
I didn't say one. I didn't say one. I didn't say one. I didn't say one.
I didn't say one. I didn't say one. But that was a thing. You said it was a thing.
Well, it's zero a thing. Zero is the answer. Zero is the answer. It's the answer.
It's the answer. I'll tell you the one. Yeah. I'll tell you the one.
The one with the really, really one. Do you remember last week there was a playing card? One of the things was a playing card bottle opener. Yes.
And I said it's the wrong suit because it's always the ace of spades. Yes. That has an display. It's always larger.
It's always larger. I didn't explain it. I was corrected on that. Let me just bring that to everyone.
Bring it to the table. I didn't actually know. But it's due with the you have to display a trademark on the ace of spades as a sort of proof of tax or something. It's a tax proof of tax thing.
But that's because you have to register if you make playing cards because of cheating. You have to do that if you release cards for magic shows. Magic sets are all purposely funny cards. Yes.
Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that.
Yes. Those magic decks are a completely different thing. They will have a big ace on them. But they will have a big ace on them because they have real cards.
Anyway. And the second thing is from I was corrected online. I'm enjoying this. I like this correction.
I was corrected online when I said you have a big penis. I never say that. I don't say that. All the women got in touch to correct you.
And they both said. Hundreds of them. Hundreds of them. Yes.
They put the Eli in TV. Like. Go on. What's the second thing?
Sorry. One of our cheap shot videos which is our YouTube content. I like the content. I said that P-Conte.
Oh, yes. Spicy. But it just means tank tasty. But I looked into this and there is a Spanish word.
P-Can-te. Right. Yeah. Very similar.
Yeah. Which does mean spicy. So that's where I get confused. You see.
And then you also say your whole use of the word aptitude was Billy bollocks at all. Amplitude. Yeah. I think that was made up by me.
I'll say that. I read something. And the flavours. Although distinctly perceptible to the tongue and mind.
Another alchemy. Yes. A malchemy. Speaking of alchemy.
Did you hear that? They accidentally turned lead into gold recently. Did they? I read it on the internet.
I can't. No one was testing something else. Then he accidentally made lead into gold. You can't.
You have to change molecular structure. I read it on the internet. So it must be true. It might be one molecule of lead.
Which they zapped. I got a molecule. It would have to lose or gain an electron retrograde. You know?
Because each atomic number is the limit. And that number is to do with how many electrons. All the atomic number. Or is the atomic number.
It's not a specific one. The atomic number is just where it's been placed on the periodic table. Oh, OK. I thought you were talking about a specific number.
Then I was going to go, three is an atomic number. And that's it. I mean, three might be an atomic number. atomic kitten.
They're three of them. I'm making connections mate. I'm making connections in C-mincie's five. They're connections.
It's when he's saying it. I'm not going to get into the credit music now from this point. I've lost it. I don't want to do the episode anymore.
Well, I don't even do what I say. Just press the button. Let's toss this coin. And if it says yes, we'll do the podcast.
If it says no, we do the podcast. No, we've got to do the podcast. No, five minutes. It's not a podcast.
Some people will get to the podcast. When it gets online, it goes in your ears. No, but what minute does it turn from a promo? Five minutes.
Five minutes. Really? Yeah, maybe ten. If I was a subscriber to a podcast, say, you know, bogey cakes are us or something like that.
Yeah, they are very good. They move on because we're not going to go anywhere with that. Come on, let's get to the way. This is a long call.
If I was listening to bogey cakes are us and I listened to all of them and I waited with baited breath for the next bogey cakes are us episode. Yeah. And oh, the pictures are having a fight. That's a hundred.
Is it? Yeah. Pigeon fights. And then it was one and I was listening every week and it was generally born now, actually.
It was an hour long. I don't know what you're about to say. And then it was about 75 minutes. That's not a bloody podcast.
Well, it's free. So you can do what you get given. To deal with what you get given. I don't toss this coin.
We would do this podcast. Or do it anyway. Here we go. It's bullshit.
We'll see. Oh, we'll do the podcast. Oh, I dropped it. Oh, careful.
It's gone into the podcast. That's the fucking credit. It's the fucking credit. It's the fucking credit.
It's the fucking credit. It's the fucking credit. And where to brag it, who's the same thing, I responsible for? ield it for the night.
The ship. The tea show. Oh, I've dropped me going. Paul's lost his coin.
It's his favourite thing. Where's me? We did it. Oh, no.
Where's we to? Who says that? The old grandad from bread. Right.
Hello. Welcome to the show. It is an economy comedy podcast where every week Eli and I go through Boga Binds, charity shops and power land et al over the UK and bring you back. The treasure we find amongst all of that potential trash and abroad.
And abroad. We also do open our borders to other countries to deliver its task to us and we will price it review it Taste it renew it for you. We will and we'll taste test everything for you I have an update so do you know on our patreon part? I mentioned that a couple of vinyls right to update you because I got a few right Bring in vinyl out now Proton pack they're tacked him so first of all, okay, so it's over there now so I'm gonna get it But I'm sorry I have a clue album.
I was nice sadly. I've already got two copies of that's now the third It's a different color. Sometimes our variations You know those BBC ones that I collect everything you see so they're all Price they sold a lot of records in the in the golden age of mine I didn't know yeah, and then I got this commercial classics. That's excellent It's not though because I thought always gonna be like weird stock library music from out there It's not it's just a collection of classical wits that have been used I should have looked closer to be fair.
That's really swept up in the moment and the reverie. Yeah, that sucks However the last time I got was the one I just bought for a laugh so I could you know use the rest of my change Up and it was this is red jvarni on the 88 to Abbey Road red jvarni actor Who was most really only really well known for on the buses where he played a Lecturest all-mani drove a bus. I shouldn't be allowed to drive the bus. No, it's a rather unpleasant However off the back of that success.
He was allowed to do what he really loved which would be a song and dance man So this is him on the piano because he played the piano with a little orchestra strike stroke band and it's one of his favorite hits and songs And honestly my bad fucking lovely. Yeah, yeah cool. I'm gonna do is I'm gonna drop in very quickly Which one the first track which is the dark town strata's ball? Yes, it was that guy Joe Tack Joe Brown did a version of very likely It is a rock and rolly.
No, no, it's a boogie. We'll give you ragtime piano track, right? But what I like about it is it has this one's own dog energy at the beginning where he's just like oh, I'm young Oh, I was gonna play the piano and then like So you join the drums have you like the band builds as a song builds. I wonder how many LPC was allowed to quite a few He's got quite a few it's like he's got like have a party with red jvarni or something like that But these are just him playing the piano and singing and some of his songs a bit about his range I think he does it I did it my way or something and he you know it's hard to hear but his voice isn't oh no, you know I get confused he sings a good life on this okay, I know that oh the good life The good life something that one of those screws would have done very much like a snatcher track Right, so he can't quite do but there's two tracks on there one school come on I take all my fancy I mean best pair of legs in the business and they are big vaudeville numbers.
Yeah came from the film He did which is really interesting. I'm not right now He plays a failed comedian who works in a butlins as a drag artist And so the song he sings a full drag. Why is that a snap film? No, you can see it's by playwright who went on to write for the Sweeney or weird shit Okay, yeah But this was a play turned into a film and so he sings songs from it because he's a drag artist Traged nearly kind of thing.
You know like imagine the wrestler will set the 70s. Oh yeah. Yes, this is read warning and it really is And honestly I know yeah he beat the 88s They're the eighties he's a key, but there's the first ever rock and roll song my 88 my rocket 88 Okay, maybe that's what it means which was again do they do it and do they don't do anything. I turn a plane on it I turn yes, there you go.
Oh anyway just a little bit of a taste here is The Bit of the dark town stores ball. It's a nice little comedy piece that shows off his piano prowess Oh, well. Oh, oh. Give it a ride, Edgar.
Oh, good. Where's the rest of the boys? Maybe in a poo shot. What's the producer for the start?
Oh, the Harry was here, still, you know? Harry took me over here. I'll tell you folks. If you want to think about boobs, ask Harry.
He knows. I'll send him one more. I'll send him one more. I'll give you a hangover.
He's a kick-rigger. Oh, oh. Alright, George, are you all right? Lovely.
Oh, yes, that's nice. Oh, great, yes. Oh, there's Rachel McCree for this. Oh!
That's a better hat. Now we get it to move, aren't we? I'm a little bit like a bad ball. I'm taking that.
So there you go. Reg Varnie, a little bit of vinyl, just for you today. But just so you know, we love a little bit of vinyl, that's not what we're talking about today. No price of tat, no...
Price of tat. No price of tat. No price of shaytat. No food.
No food. No drinks. No soap for you. What?
I've got balls for you. Those trolley originals. Two trolley originals. Two trolley balls.
You may run into big bogs on a trolley. Yeah, the trolley is a sport sported palties trough. Like a wheelbarrow. Well, it's got leather straps and you get the palties tranking.
Yeah, right up there! Bogs is up there! Anyway, what we are doing today... Anyway, Paul, is we are doing...
Do you know what it's my trolley balls? Do you know what it's taste to do? I do. Okay, I'll get you.
I would like that very much. Does it's going to be very taxing? I know what's happening on today's episode. Let everyone know.
I'm going to tell them now. What we're doing is we're doing a book episode. We're doing a book episode. A book episode is what we're doing.
An episode about the books. I've seen charity shops. And in one case, on a table in Morrison's going for 25p. Oh, did you pick that up?
All these books, these three stack here, we're all... You didn't pick up that crime one. No, because you didn't apply to my fucking message. Fine, because you never reply to my messages.
I go, here's an important message, which is time sensitive. Would you like me to do this? No. And then I get nothing.
Don't even know if it's been read. They'll put me in the same thing. They'll put me in the same thing. God, what a fucking life.
Don't work with Eli. So anyway, that's what we're doing today. We're going to go to Paul's reading room. I'm going to settle down with a few books and tell you what we found in the charity shops.
Oh, cozy, cozy, wintry, wintry, coldy, logfire, Crickle, crackle, tiktok, clock, reading room, logfire. What kind of locks are you using? Pizza logs. Poos.
That's one of my earliest memories. It's when the bonfire, they put poo. There's poo in the leaves, dog shit in the leaves, and they put it on the fire, and you can smell it when you think, ugh. That's never been something I've experienced.
I experienced it. Round guy forks. Southerners. Southerners.
Oh, that gafflin' like poo or shit leaves with the old guy forks, pie. Well, that old gafflin' govler. You don't see people paying for the guy much. You don't do it.
No, you really don't see people paying for the guy more. I like dog poos. I think people find it. Ooh, it's begging, isn't it?
Yeah, some tight stuff. Oh, we're a chair or something. Tesco bag with a balloon on with a fake scaldon and a beanie out. I like that kind of folk stuff.
We just don't do it no more. We don't burn them. We don't burn them. I don't know what to do with.
I've got a message. Hang on, I'll edit this out, don't worry. Oh, it's a voice message on what's up from Brandoff. Oh, fuck's sake, man.
He says, please listen. Should I? Yeah. All right, hang on.
Play. Hello, rough rough anyway. It's concerning content house. Now, it's a really important project, Paul, and you know, I always think of you boys when I've got something that's going to make a lot of money.
It's going to make a lot of rough rough rough a lot of money for me and you if you just play Paul, OK? So I've had John Conti. I've had him on the phone rough rough and I said maybe you could give him a little bit of a segment on the show and he's very upset. He's got a lot of frozen food.
He hasn't a bag of his old melting all over my floor. So please, if you could just give him, just, you know, don't get to give him a horton. Whatever it is, just two minutes, just then talk about food. You like that?
You like food. It's all fine. He's very, very keen. And you know, I just really have a lot of things in place now.
I'm going to play rough rough spinning with Conti Douse and he dumped it on my side. OK, rough rough. So please, if you need me to make this more clear to you, rough rough. So anyway, hope you're well, hope you're live rough rough, OK?
It's very exciting actually. We've got a bag of gold down here. And just about to get the piss showers put in and the piss, the piss, the fusis and everything. Anyway, I'm going to go rough rough.
Love you. Bye-bye. Fuck's sake. What's up?
Mate, as far as I'm aware, Brandoff is setting up some kind of live stream non-stop 24-7 content because all our characters go be living. They're going to launch it. Blah, blah, blah, blah. What I've figured out is that it seems that Gunti owns properties.
And one of those properties is the way Brandoff wants the fucking house to be, the content house. But I don't know what this has got to do with us. I don't want anything to do with it. Well, you just let Gunti, I mean...
Actually, you know what? I've been thinking ahead. I've got an idea. What?
Leave a message, I'm going to say. Hello, Brandoff. Yeah, thank you. A couple of things.
We don't want anything to do with your content house, all right? Just because we're a cheap show. We're cheap show. You do it.
You do it. But we're not getting involved, all right? We don't care. Second of all, if you really want this fucking property, how about you do something for us, okay?
I need a technician. I need a science guy for a project I'm working on. So, yeah, I'll tell you about it later. I just got the thoughts bubbled it.
I need a tech science guy, all right? Brandoff. So if you can get me that, right, I'll give Gunti a tiny segment on the show and then you get what you want and I get what I want, all right? I don't care about money, I don't care about content house, but I need...
I need... Does he know science guys? Look, mate, his connections, if he doesn't, he will. All right?
Okay. Brandoff. All right. Love you, I guess.
I don't. Yeah, he doesn't. I like that really, but it's a pleasure, isn't it? We'll leave it like that.
Hopefully, if he does something for us, I should have asked for money as well. Just weird. Should have maybe asked for us for money. Well, I don't.
You don't matter. Anyway, look, we'll ignore that for now. We'll affect us. Okay, fine.
It doesn't affect us. It's distracting all of this crap, you know what I mean? Why does it even involve us at all? Like with this?
Because we're a crutch, aren't we, for him. It's like we give him legitimacy for some fucking reason. I'm happy they're over there, not here, Frankie. Anyway, further away, the better.
Right. Shall we crack on with this next episode? Yeah. Because I want to take it to a new reading room.
You're reading Nook. Yeah. Is it a little comfy Nook? It's a comfy Nook.
Where is it? I've got a secret passage. Okay, I'll follow you. Yeah, all right.
Here we go. Follow me boys and girls. We're going to Paul's reading Nook. Is it along here then?
No, it's in the corner. Look. I moved this book. I'm up.
There you go. The fireplace moves out the way. Oh, that's just a show. Come on down here.
Come on. Paul really likes me. Takes me everywhere. Oh, it's by my way.
Come on. No, I don't know. I didn't know. Follow me down this corridor.
Come on. Oh, fuck. Oh, here we are. Special room.
Oh, shit. It's all right. I do the heavy lifting here. So we're all right.
I do. I do. And in that respect, that's a sad indictment of this podcast. Shall we move on?
Shall we hang a bigger lantern on your shit? Yeah, you've got nothing. Let's move on because Paul's best. Here we go.
Paul's best. It's the Paul Ganon's best show. Right. Here we go.
Here's my reading Nook. I have an open door. It's not my fault, is it? It's not my fault you can't hear sounds in your head.
I'm not spanking your Nook, we both know it. We both know it. I would be remiss if I didn't say it was already a place I go to ejaculate. In fact, you say Nook, this is blatantly just a refurbished track box charging to it.
Never put it on its side. I put some tillosin. I can smell fish. It's a really hard smell to get out.
It really is. Once it, you know, when you've had, like, I don't know, like, 70-man fat doses splodged all over it. It's really hard to get that kind of, kind of, like, what's the other way I can describe it, it's like fish and play them. That's good attempt.
It's gonna ask me good. It's like there's almost a medical smell. Yeah, that's what you're getting out with the play done. Anyway, weak yeast must be the weakest.
That's so strong, onions. Second, how's it going? Right, get into me, look. Come on.
Come in, here we go. Come in with you. There we go. What a fire on.
Oh, you've done this. Right, it's quite nice. It's nice. What's that?
Velvet. Yeah. Because when we're in the book, look, we have to relax. I've found some books today, of which we will be looking into a little bit more in-depth that I found in charity shops.
What do you want to start with? Let's start with the world famous weird new stories book, which was said just a while ago. We didn't have time to read. It was part of the PO box delivery.
We didn't have time to read it because it was one of those Wow, there's 700 things in here kind of thing. The thing is with a weird new story book. It used to be a very popular genre, that type of thing. Yeah.
Yeah. Strange stories. You know, little, you know, believe it or not, rip, believe it or not, that kind of thing. It was a news paper that the weekly world news all were which had loads of UFOs and conspiracies and cryptosology stuff.
I feel like with the advent of this post-truth internet, it's like a genre that's sort of passed into nothingness. It's just everywhere now. It's everywhere. It takes notes.
It's also less criticized or less evaluated because back in the day you look at this and go, what a load of shit. Ha ha ha ha. But what funny world we live in. Right?
But now you put this online with some of the other stories you hear. And it's actually like piss-wheat gravy nonsense. It's like it's almost charming in its kind of weakness. It's naivety.
Yeah. Because you see, let's read that. I'll see what you mean. The book is basically, I'll read the back.
Every day the world newspapers confirm what we all know that life can be very strange. But you want to, I'll read one out. Yeah. So, chat the one is believe it or not.
So you've got strange animal stories, laws and lawsuits, aliens, psychocerances, bizarre crimes, mistakes, freaks and accidents, peculiar behavior, scientific experiments. I like peculiar behavior. Chat the two is odd facts. They'll get much out of that.
Chat the three is the weird and the spooky. So, seeing the future, seeing the past out of body vampires, people, poltergeist. And there's a lot of suspicious on the paranormal here. Well, the first half and the second half of the book is like, chat the four classic one-liners.
So, it's just like quotes from celebrities. Yeah. No, not even that. It's like quotes.
Like, it's a rag bag, rag tag bag. Like critic James A. Gates says, the English instinctively admire a man who has no talent and is modest about it. Can I?
Yeah. Well, I was one of the chapters. What is called Boobs and Misprints? So, it's like the stuff you get on that's life.
I got a twinge there. Boobs and Misprints. But it's just like, you know, the rapist's party tonight at six. Black's is meant to be therapist's party tonight.
It's that kind of thing. I also got a twinge, Hollywood quotes. When you said about the guy arranging his own crucifix. No, no, no, no.
Not just bobbed up there. Did you? And did a little rub rub on the denim. I wonder where that will be in these stories.
No, it's listening to me. I have. Sadly. I want to try and find that Nottingham crucifixion story, but it could be anywhere in this book.
Can I read it one line around? They're quick and easy, aren't they? So, let's do a couple more of those. It's literally, it's like, it's two pages worth.
So you can scroll through and find one. All right. Let's see. Lincoln, I like this.
It's about coffee. Abraham Lincoln? Yes. Yes.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Fucking hell. That sucks.
It was easy. I laugh back in the day. Wow. You couldn't tell why it's burnt his mouth or something.
He basically says, whatever this is, is hot water. It's just brown water. In real life you end up. What's this fucking shit?
I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Poisoner William Palmer on the scaffold meaning just about a hang. Are you sure this damn thing's safe?
You know what? I don't have the chance to have. If I have the chance to have to know what my final words are gonna be, because you know, I'm about to be hung or something, I don't think I want to be witty. I think I'll just rage against the world.
Yeah. Oh, it's not fair. You know what I mean? It's like that.
I don't think I would be either this wallpaper goes or I do. It's like, I have not... The whole concept of final word is a bit. Well, yeah, maybe.
Where do you...? It's like, you know, like... Because someone might just go, fuck. Yeah, it hurts.
And then a lot of people must just go, ah, oh, God. Oh, sorry, God. Well, you know, like, like, famously, like, you know, it's not real, but, like, kiss me hardly was, like, allegedly something... What was it?
Wellington said, am I wrong? Anyway, whoever was old military, no, I don't know. On his death bed, when Kiss Me Hardee had been missing, did he even say it? What did he say?
French me, Hardee. Yeah, because he beat the French up all the way to me. What I'm suggesting is... Stick the finger up the arsehole, Hardee, please.
Hardee. Do it, Hardee. Hardee. Bow my finger.
I know. I know. What I'm saying is, if your last word will like, so that becomes legendary, it's like, Kiss Me Hardee, then he dies. Maybe what really happened was, you're like, Kiss Me Hardee, and I hate women, they're all just...
Well, just not have... Well, of course. Don't remember that bit. It's a...
Yes, because Kiss Me Hardee. Kiss Me Hardee. So, yes, I'd say you're right. There must be a huge amount of fiction in the famous last word.
I know, to be fair, not all of these are famous last words, it's just quotes from one line. Oh, God, they're so tame. Arthur Bauer, to a thin friend. Right.
How much would you charge the haunted house? That's so bad, isn't it? That's so good. Margaret Holsey.
Margaret Holsey, yeah. The English never smash in the face. They merely refrain from asking it to dinner. I don't even think...
I kind of get the witter there. I don't even know. I want to find one of the weird stories, though. Let's have a weird story.
Right. Oh, yeah. Okay. So, there is one that I saw and I was like, I wonder what's happened since.
Because these stories appear in newspapers and you go, oh, flip. That's a strange story. Flip. Flip.
Everyone says it, yeah, with it, Daddy-O. Flip. That's a weird story. And then you kind of forget about it.
Then years later, you read books like this and you go, what the fuck all of this? Like this one. It's such a weird story. This is from the...
Apparently, the Lebanon Daily News. Lebanon, again, a place I would say in America. Yeah, it's not... Yeah.
Since January 11th, 1976, a mysterious tree-trump... Tree-trump? I'm a serious tree-trump. No.
No. I'm a serious... That's not again. Since January 11th, 1976, a mysterious tree-stump has been touring Ridgeway, Illinois.
The £500 stomp appears in unlikely places, including a van and various people's houses. It stays up for two days and then disappears in an equally inexplicable way. And I'm thinking, is it been moving ever since then? Does it say what the paper was?
Lebanon Daily News. Well, you could look that up again in the Lebanon Daily News. The follow-up. That's a terrible story.
That seems like some hack at the Lebanon Daily News was like, oh, I'm drunk. And of course, I've got 40 words to film. I've looked into my yard, which is unkempt, you know what I mean? And there's some stump out there.
There's some tree stump out there. What if there's tree stump appeared places? It's so lazy. It's like, I love last year.
You've got Brian. Oh, fuck it. Run it. It's fucking...
I'm all forget about it. It's either that or an advert for fucking men's erection pills. Fuck it. Let me read one.
No, this is the one I wanted to read. OK. It's from the Daily Express. I don't think there's a year on this.
Jeffrey Wilson, 18, made a gruesome discovery while inspecting the roof of his east London home yesterday. Checking for damage after heavy rain, he happened to glance into the upstairs neighbor's window and saw a fully dressed skeleton lying on the bed. The police were called and identified the corpse as William Black Hallie, the husband of the upstairs tenant. Neighbours had noted that he'd gone missing about 10 years ago, but had assumed he'd just left his wife.
In fact, he had died of natural causes, and she just left him there as he was. Mrs. Black Hallie is currently receiving medical attention. Now, the reason I find that hard to believe is when someone passes away, Paul, who don't just turn to a skeleton?
No, it rots. And cartoons promote that idea. It's not true. I don't know.
I don't actually know a lot about this, but surely... Oh, to be fair, it is East London. And that fucking stinks round there as soon as it's disgusting. That's what I mean.
That's what I mean. That's what I mean. That's what it's called. Gene Hack, oh, here's his anti-southern bias with everybody.
He's licking out the skeleton now. No, I'm not. What were you doing? You're telling me?
I was showing you a revolt. Yeah, I mean, a good action there. Thank you. Stroll.
They call me Tom Daddy-Gannon. Who does? Mommy-Ding. Oh, dear.