(Ep. 48) Understanding the Connection Between Shame and Blame

What if that constant feeling of being misunderstood — or unable to trust anyone — isn't about the people around you at all?In this episode of Triggered & True, Laura Duncan and co-host Brian Freise revisit shame and blame with fresh revelations Laura has recently uncovered. It starts with a refresher — shame is so debilitating because it whispers that what you do is who you are, which feels unchangeable — and then goes somewhere new, into how shame quietly wires the way we attach, trust, and feel understood for the rest of our lives.Laura uses the image of two hoses connecting — a child and a caregiver — to show what healthy attachment looks like, and what happens when shame keeps disconnecting the hose every time a child does something "wrong." The child concludes not "I did a bad thing" but "there's something wrong with me," and goes looking for connection elsewhere — sometimes in behaviors or addictions that lock in the shame cycle. From there she and Brian unpack two "secondary triggers" that trace straight back to childhood: feeling chronically misunderstood (a shield that protects us from being vulnerable with our own pain, usually rooted in loneliness), and struggling to trust (capital-T trust is built in early childhood, not with the spouse or friend we're blaming today). The freeing turn, as always: even if you never got these gifts, you can go back and give them to your younger self now. Listen to this episode to learn how.In this episode: 🔹 Why shame is so debilitating: it says what you do is who you are 🔹 The "two hoses" of attachment — and how shame disconnects a child from connection 🔹 How disconnection sends us searching for connection in behaviors and addictions 🔹 Feeling misunderstood as a shield — and the loneliness usually underneath it 🔹 Why "capital-T Trust" is built in childhood, not with the person you're blaming now📩 Get your free Weekly Dose of Compassion — two short notes in your inbox every week. One to speak over yourself. One from Laura: https://www.lauraduncan.com/pl/2148814868🔗 Learn more: https://triggeredandtrue.com https://lauraduncan.com