The store has moved. All the merch is now at store.liamhstudios.com. This is what happens. So yesterday the guy calls me and I go, deliver it to his house.
He knocks and he's like, who are you? And I hear her. And I'm like, it's Tom. It's me.
And she goes, oh, she goes, what is this? And I go to Ebike. She goes, Ebike. She goes, you know he's fat, right?
And I go, 100% to coffee for life dog. I'm being serious. I might really get into coffee. I listened to that episode with the Black Rifle guys.
And that, hey guys, bring to my episode of Two Bears. OK, did you like that pivot of personality? Yep. Today I had an orgasm.
What do you mean I had an orgasm? Were you doing something to get it? No. You make it sound like a thief.
I was walking to my kitchen and I came. No, Leigh-Anne's about to suck my dick, right? OK. And she does the tap tap on it that she always does.
It was a little bit. Little mic tap. Little mic tap. And now she's laughing hard as fuck, because it made it in the act, right?
I haven't done that every time on my time. Wait, did you get a hand job yesterday? Yesterday I got a hand job. Did I tell you that?
Yeah. I got a hand job yesterday because it was my birthday. OK. I was really fired up in order to come with a hand job.
I feel like a hand job. You can't be like, I'm kind of into it. You got to be ready to go. I was ready to go.
I was ready to go. Backed up. How many days since you came? A lot.
She went, whoa, that came in a lot. And immediately thought of Michael Stahl. I was like, I was like. You're like, was it 18 feet?
Yeah. All right. By the way, I started looking at last porn after he died. I have jade my D to some last pictures.
I love it. It's authentic. And I love that it's. They're all happy.
I think that's a big thing. You're like, oh, I'll jerk off to this. I mean, even though I can get off of a girl's like crying. But like, if she's happy, it seems like it's pretty cool.
Scared underwear behind the ear. Yeah. Oh, is this ours? That's ours.
Underwear behind the ear. That's our game. We haven't got a lot of. We haven't got scared underwear behind the ear.
But we will be doing getting those next week. And we will have a lot for you. So we should do our own. So she's about to give me a.
Shout to the plastic section. Shout out to the doctor Drew's wife, by the way. Whatever she fucking did on Pushes podcast, where she said I suck his dick six. Oh, I know.
Yeah. Dr. Drew. Yes, he does, by the way.
The best is that the internet things kind of twist and turn as we both know. And you're like, that there's a root of truth in that. So now we saw Shaggy from ICP, who's like, you know, it's so funny. He's like, he's like, Dr.
Drew, you know, he fucks all kinds of bitches. And then they're just running with that. And he's like, no, I fucked my wife. Dr.
Drew's fucking knuckle deep in everybody. Dr. Listen, if you meet Dr. Drew, you're getting fucked.
Dr. Drew is, I think, on stand-hups in the world podcast the other day for the election. Anyway, pivot. So, so I'm about, but my shout out to Dr.
Drew's relationships. Excuse me. And because now Leanne, every time she goes down, I'll put your headphones on. You'll just like to hear like, what is just ridiculous.
Go ahead. In form, Jugelos says, hey, Tom Segura, invite me on the podcast so I can try it out with you and Dr. Drew. Four strokes with my brother is my favorite.
Great, more riddles. I see what he's doing. I see what he's doing here. It's like me saying that.
Hey, Tom Segura, invite me on the podcast so I can try it out with you and Dr. Drew. Four strokes with my brother is my favorite. Is that like, he wants us to have a threesome?
I think he's talking about different strokes. He's in four. We talk about fucking, because remember, he's talking about Dr. Drew is like, Fox bitches like crazy.
It's like that. Like what happens is someone hears that. And then that's all they remember. Dr.
Drew, fuck, bitches like crazy. You know, I love that. I love that. Poor guy's like, I love my wife.
By the way, I met Shaggy at a show one time. You did? Yeah, he came back. I want to say it was when I was with Sal Boqano.
He's big fan of Sal's. Oh, yeah. He came back and like, and I remember Kyle can name was just there. You know, Kyle can name stuff, got such a, like a, like a, and he was like, hey, he's doing it.
I think I'm sure it was Shaggy. And he was like, and Shaggy from saying, you know, can I use this? I'm on your face. No, he didn't have his makeup.
Oh, yeah. Hey, you missed the spot. Kyle's got the best voice. I have a new, I have a new, got almost passed out again.
I was passing out a lot. I had a new spirit, not spirit animal, but you know, what's it called when you told him? I have a new totem this year. You have a new totem?
A totem. What is it? Light houses. What do you mean?
Light houses. You just, you're into them? I'm minding my new things. Are you collecting them?
I'm going to do models. Some owls for a long time. I've always been my totem. By the way, an owl flew into our backyard.
You're like a real lighthouse? You're talking about photos and not? First of all, I'm really in the lighthouse, in general. Light houses are pretty cool.
Light houses are awesome. We went to one in mainland time, and it was fucking awesome. Can you imagine how many times, where what the feeling is like to be lost at sea and the panic and to see a lighthouse? Like what that must do to you emotionally?
If you're out at it, there's no more panic. There's no greater panic you could feel than lost at sea. Oh, I mean. Like just, like you look up and down, it's just dark.
And you're just like, I'm going to die here, for sure. And then you see the light swing by. You'd be like, oh my god. Yeah, I mean, it just has to be.
It's got to be. I often think. You know how like I often think one day. Hold on.
Hold your thought. OK. Just while he's talking, get the zip line thing. I'm going to show birth the zip line.
I have, I often think one time I'll be stuck at sea in a raft with no water, no food. Yeah. That energy of like going like, oh fuck. I often think.
You remember when we filmed the cabin, the cigar roller? Yeah. Oh my god, yes. And he was like, you know, we're just talking catch super cool dude.
I'm like master cigar roller. You're going to roll that crazy blunt. And then he's like, yeah, I came from Cuba. And he starts telling the story real casually that everyone he came over with died.
Yeah. And he had a makeshift raft. Best friends. Oh, wait.
What is this? Dude. Oh my god. Hold on.
Hold on. Hang on. Remind me the blow job. I want to finish.
Oh, yeah. We need to finish your blow job. And we're going to remind me that. But I want to see this.
OK. OK. OK. I'm already fucking.
Oh, this is. I know you're going to respond to this. So this dude is on a zip line. I mean, hundreds of feet up in the air.
And just make sure the sound plays. But let's go. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Look.
Look at his left hand. Dude, he is adrenaline. Oh, his left hand is destroyed, dude. Yeah.
Look how high up he is. I knew that. I knew that. I knew that to you.
You can feel the panic. I mean, that is like that dude. He knew he was he almost fucking fell off that thing, you know? I have it.
Let me see if I can find the picture. Oh, my god. That hand. Keep his hand in front.
Oh, OK. So that's a good thing. I'm going to be like, OK. I'm going to be like, OK.
Oh, my god. That hand. Keep his hand in front. OK.
So immediately I knew I knew. Because he was that blind. That really connected very hard with me. I knew it would.
It's Oh, god. Damn it. That fucked me up. I'm going to see if I can find the picture.
So one time I, oh, man. That fucked me up. Yeah. You know what it is?
Because you know, obviously I fell off a waterfall one time repelling. And there's certain things where your instinct starts to do the thing to save yourself and you get fucking hurt. So one time we were at hand going in front. You saw right.
I was throwing on the inside. So there are a lot of stories like that. A lot of stories about dudes falling and the rope wrapping around their leg and then going down and it just cutting their leg off. There was that climber last year.
The world class, you know, there's like some world class free climbers and he died, right? He died. Yeah. And they were talking to the experts, like the people who really know that.
And they all said that he did something like that an amateur would do. And it was like, he just overlooked something in his prep or I don't know the free climbing kind of world. And they all were like, yeah, this is like a total amateur move. And it just is something he overlooked either in the moment or but it was, yeah, I'm looking for the last year right there.
Yeah. Go bright. I've heard I've heard so many. I'm looking for this.
I'm looking for this picture from Moab. I, I, well, this fucking freaks me out because what it is is it's instinct. It's instinct over over thought. And so you get hurt.
So why I have a story I haven't told you about yet. Oh, so we were doing this thing. I want to find a picture of my fucking asshole tingling right now. We were doing this thing where we were peeling off this canyon and I have to have pictures of this injury on here.
I'll find it. And I repel down and I was very, very confident. I was really confident and I felt great. And I remember swinging out.
We were doing it in between two things. I wish I had exact details on this, but in between two things we swing out and I'm having fun and I'm really confident. I zip down and I'm lying down and I'm feeling great. I have both, I have repelling gloves on both hands.
I'm feeling great. I'm very confident. Take my repelling gloves off and I ask what tingling again. And we get the kid who we're repelling with.
We get him on and we start swinging him back and forth on the thing. He's like, he's like a little scared and we're like, it's fine. We're going to swing you back and forth. It's just a swing.
You're going to swing real far, but it's fun. He's like, really? Yeah. So we swing him, swing him and as he swings him, I go to grab the rope to stop him and it's a two hundred pound man in there and he's attached to the rope and I'm, it's a make sense of it.
We swing the rope out like that and I'm here and I grab it and as he swings in, the rope rips through my hand and tears all the skin off my hand. Just it doesn't tear the skin. What it does is it takes every bit of detail off my hand. So it just looks like, it looks like a plane skin.
Like almost like you just didn't wax and it happened so fucking quick. It went and I went, and it was so hot and it was so burning. There was a trickle of water coming down. I just went and pressed my hand in there and I was like, this is going to be bad.
And everyone's like, it's going to be really bad. And it bubbled up so bad, but it was this instinct of like going, oh, let me stop it. It's that moment. You're not, you're not thinking for a millisecond.
Have you seen by the way how many people don't know how to swing off a rope from a tree into the water like those videos? Oh my. Or they're like, say let go above the rocks. You know what it is?
You know what it is? Or they don't let go above the water. They're like, all right, jump off. And they're like, oh, I swing back.
The number one thing is people underestimate their upper body strength. And I've done that. There's a video. You can find a video of me doing that online.
I'm certain if you type in part, conquer season three, we're at, we're at, um, traction park. Well, action park is the name of it. At least called traction class action park. I got my tuttant tussler up there and they had a rope swing and you were watching people hold on and you just, your hands are like, oh, I've never really held a swinging like a fulcrum 250 pounds.
Yes. And my fingers were like, oh, what are you fucking mind? Yeah. I'm telling you on the, if you go to those like rock climbing walls, you know, the, the, the places where you're kind of practicing.
Yeah. They go, oh, you're instinct. You, you think you should pull yourself up and they're like, you should do the work with your legs. Oh, yeah.
Your upper body will exhaust you like itself basically. And everybody's like, no, no, I got it. I got it. I can't, I can't believe I can't find these fucking pictures.
I took so many pictures of my hand. It was so sliced up in the next day. I mean, we still have a lot of rock climbing left to do. We had to jump off a fucking clip and I had my hand was ruined.
I mean, ruined. So what's also crazy is like, as this guy knows, when I fell off the waterfall, I got it. I wish I had my computer. I wish I had all my Insta.
So when I felt the waterfall, it was just an instinct to like help yourself. And then I didn't realize how high I was, but I flipped upside down. And I was, and I was, and I was think I was drowning and rounding. Drowning?
Yeah. Not drowning. Drowning. Drowning.
Drowning. Drowning. No, drowning. No, drowning sounds weird.
Drowning. We got to do, we have to please make sure we do like words with Bert at some point where he just, you know, says the way he says things. Drowning. I was upside down on the waterfall.
So what happened is it's crazy right before I started to be filled with water. I was, I was, it was the last episode of the last season we were going to do. I didn't know if we were going to pick up or not, but it was a very last episode of that day. And it was like, all we're going to do is do this and then get on a helicopter fly out to this place.
They're called the frying pan and then party for a few days and then fly back, right? Yeah. Party for a few days. Maybe should be said, but so it's a tasty party.
Even the frying pan, North Carolina, the frying pan, you'll see where we went to frying pan. This is where we went out and party here. It was fucking awesome. You can do it.
Yeah, that's it. Damn. It's in the middle of the ocean, like 40 miles out. What do people do there?
You just party. Is there like rooms there? Yeah, it's like it's fucking awesome. It's fucking awesome.
35. Oh, it's a hotel. Yeah. 34 miles from land.
So how do people get by helicopter? Helicopter drops. You shoot guns like we were shooting, shooting, we went fishing. That actually looks really cool.
It's fucking awesome. It's off the coast of Carolina. Yeah, 40 miles out. You take a helicopter out.
Damn. It's inside. It looks like it looks like it looks like shit. Like it looks terrible.
But I guess maybe, let's see. Oh, it's actually nice. It's nice inside. Mm-hmm.
It's not bad. The guy lives out there. He lives there. Yeah, you can like he.
How fucking mental is he gone? This is the best is he can take a seat and get you all the way down to the water and lower you down to the water like 80 feet. Like he just puts you in the seat and then swings the arm out and then lowers you down to the water so you can like be down by the water to the fish and then brings you up. That's pretty cool, man.
It was actually awesome. I had a fucking blast out there. I was like, oh, I'm going to go out to the frying pan the next day. He has guns out there.
He was shooting guns. Wow. It was fucking really, really fun. It kind of feels like one of those movies where you're like the guy's been living by himself for a year.
It is. I mean, is he kind of crazy? He wasn't crazy. It was pretty cool.
Really? I don't know. I was pretty fucking nice. There we go.
There we go. Wait, let's go back to your blowjob and your orgasm. Okay. Wait, wait, I want to finish this.
I got nine stories going on my head. So I'm on the waterfall and I actually took a moment and I turned around. I look in this canyon. We're like 220 feet down.
I'm the luckiest dude in the world. I am so lucky. I was like, you know what? Don't waste this moment.
Enjoy it. So I kind of swing out and have a little fun on the rappel. What happened was my feet hit algae and I slipped. As soon as I slipped, I flipped upside down and then water started rushing.
I was getting water boarded. I can't remember if I went to go get a GoPro or kind of change my... I let go of the bottom hand, which is the one that holds you steady. I just wanted to grab something.
It was like I was drowning. It was an instinct. Second is hand went down. I just looped and I hit the ground.
There's the back. That's when I landed on my back. Immediately it was like, I just broke my back. You really thought that?
Oh, my first thought was I just broke my back. And what was your actual... Did you go to the ER from there? Yeah, I went to the...
I had to crawl hands and knees out of a canyon. Like I said to... I remember saying to my buddy Paul who was our EP, I was like, you know, you think you're safe and you're like, I remember saying, so what's our exit strategy? And he was like, I didn't plan on you falling.
He's like, we don't have one. I was like, well, can we get a chopper in here and get me out? And he was like, I guess. And I was like, wait, what are we doing?
And he goes, I don't know. I haven't... Like, no one plans for that, you know? Yeah, but you should.
Right? We had a conversation about that afterwards. We should definitely think about our problems. Yeah, which I think about injuries happening out in the wild.
Yeah. And so we called them and they were like, and we called... We had the force rescue or whatever and they were like, yeah, we can't get it off. Topper into you.
Like, you're in a canyon. Like, you need to get yourself out of that canyon. So they're like, figure it out. Figured out.
And so I crawled hands and knees up a 220 foot like climb. Like it was... It was those moments where you say like, I'm unable to do this. You know, like working out where they're like, all right, one more set.
You're like, I can't do it anymore. So we had a couple of legs up. If I looked at my legs up, I couldn't stand. And when you got out, was it straight to the hospital?
No. I got to the top of the trailhead. And then? And then they had to come in, they took my blood pressure, it was like 150 over 110.
And they were like, we're afraid he's going to stroke out. They're like, we can't let him walk out. And I was like, I think I can crawl out. And I could get myself in a position where it didn't hurt.
And I was like, please let me do that. And they're like, no one can put you on board. I remember these girls came up. And they're like, I heard them.
I'm in the thing, I'm crying. I think I broke my back. I'm crying. and panic on my crew, no one knows what to do.
And these girls were hiking and they're like, see this film crew and they're like, what is this? And you know, one of my guys is just trying to get posted and he was like, oh, we're shooting a show at the travel channel. And they're like, what show is it? And they're like, triple up he's the host, Bert Kreischer and they're like, is he famous?
And they're like, I mean, he's like a podcast or whatever. And they're like, what's wrong with him? And they're like, he fell, he broke it. They think he broke his back.
And they're like, oh cool. Hey, hey, and I'm watching them take pictures of me. Like I'm watching them take pictures of me. And then one girl goes, does not know I heard them.
And goes, hey, we're really big fans. Is it cool if we get a picture with you? And I was like, I was so blown away. I went, sure, I'm crying.
And two girls get down and take a picture with me. Yeah. He's going to die. He's going to die.
And then I got in the, I got everything. Did they go back again? It was terrifying. And then they gave me fucking delighted.
And it went away. What's the lot? It's like pharmaceutical heroin. Oh.
And it, I mean, so what was the, was there an injury? Like an actual. Contusion, back contusion. But it was all the muscles were fucked.
I mean, that night, there's so much to the story that I did is like almost crazy. But that night I got in bed and went to sleep. And I was on delighted and I was taking value. And then I doubled up with an Oxy cotton.
And so, and I had a drink. And I had a drink. And I went away. They got, after they gave me the lotted.
And the Oxygen, the value, I felt really great. I'm sure. And I was like, let's finish the segment. So we went out and met up with these people at this restaurant.
And I was walking. I was totally fine. I was like, I'm great. I'm going to be fine.
I'm going to be fine. I had a fucking couple drinks. I was like, I feel fucking amazing. Went back to my room.
I was like, that was close call. I passed out, woke up in like five in the morning. And I couldn't get. I couldn't move.
I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't roll. I couldn't move. And I had to piss.
I just pissed in the bed. Are you serious? Just pissed in the bed. And then went to sleep.
And started crying again. Because I couldn't move. And I was like, panic attacks. I couldn't move.
I couldn't move. Like, I can move my arms. I can piss the bed. I pissed the bed.
And I was just sitting there crying. And they thought I was dead. So the crew just came and they're like, we're at Bert for call. And off to the door, they opened the door.
And I am fucking in bed going, someone please help me. And they're like, OK, we're not shooting anymore. They're like, we wrapped. I think we shot.
We ended up shooting a. How long did you just stay in that room for? I left. We've got a plane from there.
Do you want to know the crazy part of the story? Yeah, sure. So they call the man. And they're like, hey, this is going to make her sound like a total cunt.
This is going to make her sound like a total cunt. But I'm just going to tell it the way it is. Sure. So I got a funny story about Lee Ann on the phone yesterday.
Don't forget. Oh, really? Yeah. So they wrapped.
They're like, we're not flying to frying pan. We're not doing any of that. We're going to send you home. So they call Lee Ann.
And they're like, hey, Bert is really hurt. We've got a lot of pills for him. He's going to be fine. He can probably travel and get himself home.
But after that, we're going to take some time off. So he can rest until he can shoot again, probably two weeks, three weeks. She's like, OK, don't send him home. And they're like, what?
She's like, send him to Aspen. And they're like, what? She's like, he's got a corporate. He's got to a gig.
And they're like, he's really hurt. He's hurt. It's 25 grand. I'll meet him in Denver.
He's like, she blew to Denver. She's a boss, dude. She's like, honey, 25 grand is a lot of money. You know, that's in this fucking hurt back.
Yeah. She's like, I think it might be broken. Well, you can stand for an hour. Yeah.
It's 25 grand. It's 25 grand. That's fucking that's 20 basis for both girls. That's 25 grand.
So she flew to Denver with Salveg. With Isla. I met her in Denver. They picked up at the airport.
They got us a flight to Aspen. No, I think we drove to Aspen. We drove to Aspen. I love it.
I'm out of school. You're fucking kidding. I loved it. I got all new ski clothes.
She went. I went skiing. She got a fucking blast. And I did the gig.
And I was really hurt for the gig. And it was like a hedge fund. I didn't even know what hedge fund was at the time. And she was like, listen, these guys are huge fanciers.
But they're very rich. And their time is precious. So go up. Fuck around.
But I wouldn't do an hour. I think they just want to party. And I was like, OK, throw it out. I started fucking around with the guys.
Like mess around. And one guy just goes, all right, tell the machine. I go, what? He goes, tell the machine.
Then we'll go drink. Let's do it. Tell the machine. I was like, excuse me.
He's like, come on. I'm like, oh, I'm going to tell the machine. I'm like, all right, let's go party. That was it.
That was it. 25 grand. Tell the machine. Then go drink with these guys.
That's a fucking good day. I had a fucking, and we made the money. And Leanne's like, I told you, I get you in now. Let's go home.
She's a big manager. She was. I remember her. I remember going.
Stand him. I remember them saying you're not going home. And I was like, I'm definitely going home. And I'm like, actually, going to Denver.
She's going to take it aspen. And I was like, I'm doing the corporate. She's like, it's 25 grand. This is like, this is different.
I forgot about told us. But when I got here, there's a LA hiking culture. And by hiking, I'm talking about if you've never been here or maybe you have, there's all these like, there's Frime and Canyon, Runyon Canyon. And it's basically, it's accessible all year.
It's outdoors. It's great exercise. And it's kind of a scene. And so when I got here, you don't know that many people.
I knew more people from acting class, because I did the groundlings. And I did this other acting class. The groundlings? Yeah.
I did a few levels of it. I turned down Writing Lab twice. And they don't call you again. Oh, really?
Yeah. So you graduate levels. And Writing Lab was one of the next ones before Sunday Company and before you're in the thing. And I had started doing stand-up and getting paid, like $50.
But I was like, when they were like, come do this, I was like, that's a distraction from what I'm trying to do. But one of the guys, he wasn't in the groundling. But I met a guy through somebody else, through going on these hikes, right? These morning hikes.
And he was an actor. He came here from somewhere on the East Coast. I want to say, like, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, or something. And we were on this bike.
And he told me, he goes, you know, my first day in LA, my first day, I went on a hike and got bit by a rattlesnake. And I was like, what? And he goes, dude. He told me the story that I was like, holy shit.
So he's on a hike. He gets bit by a rattlesnake and is immediately reacting, right? Immediately reacting to the venom. He ends up halfway down the mountain.
And he's having trouble. And they run into other hikers who don't help. They're like, god, I don't want any to do with this. He's like, no, I'm going to die.
I'm sorry. So when he finally gets down to having trouble accessing him because of where the trail is, that's the thing. They're like, we can't get him on the trail. You've got to get yourself.
That's the fucking, yeah. And this guy's got poisonous venom. And it's far racing now. Oh my god.
He finally does get down. He's like, it's a whole ordeal just to get me out of there. Get to the hospital. He's conscious and he's talking to the doctor.
And the doctor goes, hey, we should call your parents. And he goes, no, I don't want to worry them. And then he goes, no, no, we should call your parents so that you could say goodbye in case this doesn't work out. And he's like, what?
And the doctor's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like this is really serious. So let's call them. So they call his parents. And they're like, hey, how's LA?
He's like, I might die today. Oh my god. And then they're in a full panic. And they're like, what happened?
And he tells them what happened. The doctor's in front of him. And then he's like, we're treating him. And we hope that this gets resolved, but it might not.
So he's like, you should get on a flight. But by the time you come out here, he might not be alive. And so they're fully balling. And I think this is before even FaceTiming.
Because this is like early. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So they're just on the phone just like, all right, we're getting on a plane. And he was like, that was 24 hours. After I'm moving to LA, that was the first thing that happened to him was getting bit by rattles. My first move to LA, I come out at Stanford University of Sheridan.
And I got a meeting at Fox, right? We're pitching with Will Smith. And my buddy, Troy, says, let's go for a hike. And I'm like, great, we're pitching at like three.
And I go for a hike with him at Runyon. And he's in great shape. And him and this guy, Sire, just jogging. And I get lost.
And I think I'm lost in the woods. I think I'm like, I'm going to have to live up here. I'm starting to panic. I can't, we're up.