Ep 59: Heather Linchenko – when “I meant well” can make things worse

Most people don’t set out to damage their relationships—but they often do it with the very words they believe are harmless or even helpful. In this eye-opening episode, Heather Linchenko, author of “I Meant Well,” and Other Words That Kill Relationships reveals how “good intentions” can quietly erode trust, safety, and emotional connection. She explains why phrases rooted in defensiveness, past mistakes, and negative energy can slowly suffocate relationships of all kinds—marriages, families, friendships, teams, and workplace cultures.Rather than offering communication theory, Heather provides a practical roadmap for building encouragement-based relationships where words become tools of growth instead of weapons of discouragement. From “forward-facing words,” to the surprising power of treating everyone like a volunteer, to the art of doing relational “retakes,” Heather shares actionable insights that leaders, parents, and partners can implement immediately. Her stories—including breakthroughs with her own children and dramatic turnarounds within troubled workplaces—show how simple shifts in mindset and language can turn discouragement into trust and resistance into willing contribution.* Good intentions don’t repair harm—only behavioral change does.“I meant well” is often an excuse that shifts responsibility away from the speaker and places blame on the listener’s perception.* Leaders gain influence by treating people like volunteers, not subordinates.When people feel valued, safe, and free from subtle power cues, they willingly contribute more than coercion or authority could ever extract.* Two simple questions can transform any relationship.Asking “How valued do you feel by me?” and “How safe do you feel to tell me anything?” reveals blind spots and provides the clearest path to relational improvement.* Volunteer Mindset Reset:For 24 hours, treat every person—child, spouse, coworker, or employee—as if they are an unpaid volunteer freely giving you their time. Notice how your tone and assumptions shift.* Retake Practice:When you catch yourself saying something discouraging or reactive, pause and say, “Oops, let me try that again.” Then restate using positive, forward-facing words.* Go-Solo Commitment:For one week, stop teaching, correcting, or fixing others. Instead, model the behavior you wish others would emulate—especially during conflict or stress. Get full access to LeaderSHOP at podcast.leadershop.net/subscribe