Ladies and Zombi Men, it's nearly Halloween. Or maybe it's just after. Anyway, we're in the vicinity. Ooh, it's scary.
I'm Eli, dead Silverman. And here's your co-host also dead Paul Scary-Gannon. No, hello, my name is Paul Gannon, and that is Eli Silverman. Hello everyone.
We have literally thousands in tonight. The Camden, severed head in Camden. Yes. So we actually introduce ourselves in a way that we think seems fit.
And so here's how I introduce Eli. Eli, imagine Baron von Frankenstein who was looking for body parts for his new monster. And all he could do was break into the Ron Jeremy cupboard and pull out a bunch of severed Ron Jeremy parts and a Danny DeVito face. Put it all together, stitch it up, snap it with electricity, and then you get Eli Silverman.
Right, your turn, Paul Gannon. Imagine a child star. He starred in It's Only Me. Which was a short-lived Grenada TV thing from the 80s.
And now he's put on weight. He's doing crack and he likes sucking rent boys off. It's Paul Gannon. So do you want to know what happened to my week this week?
Had a very spooky week. Really? Yeah, it would've been had a very spooky week. First of all, I bumped into the Ghostbusters.
Ooh, yes, and they were gonna go fell walking. But they had to stop doing that. Why? Because they're not allowed to cross the streams.
What? I'm feeling disheartened all of a sudden. All right, well then later on that week, I'm walking down the street and this man runs up to me, drops his trousers, shows me his bottom, and I instantly turned into a werewolf. Why is that?
Because it was a full moon. No, all right, okay, fine. And then finally, it's just gonna top them. This is gonna be the best one.
All this stuff happened. Right. My penis got possessed. It did.
The tip of my penis got possessed, so I had to get a certain decision. Two, two, get a bit of it. And he did. But afterwards he had the cheek to ask for a tip, and I was like, you're the only talking mate.
Oh God. What? That was my week. That really happened.
Oh, good. Yeah. Good. What about your week?
Oh, it's funny. You should ask. It was good in a way. It was really good.
But I don't know. It's heavy. Heavy stuff happened to me this week. I was in this club, you know, late night drinking as I do.
As you do. You know, it's exclusive club. They called it the tombstone. It's like a, yeah, the tombstone.
It's a bit gothier. It's a bit gothier, yeah. I've had a few bloody marys or whatever, and I get chatting to these ladies, and they're very nice looking, and they beckon me across the bar. I start talking to them.
I'm just hitting off brilliantly. All three. All three at once. You know, your instinct is to say, which of these is going to be the money shot?
The money shot. But all three. It's just going to be coming onto me. And then I say, how would you like to live forever?
You like to live forever in our castle. We've got a castle in Romania. And you can be our super dick for all time. It turns out they're vampiruses, and they want you to make me immortal, and I'd be a lord of the underworld.
I'd be, I'd be, and so I flew over there that night. They've got this private jet all black with like scary eyes in the windows. And I went over there. They bit me.
They only the ties there. You know, it's quite modern. The way they do this vampirism, like these days, none of that sort of screaming in how they, you know, they put me under they bit me. And now I'm immortal.
Holy shit. I own several thousand acres of forest, and I've got a whole bunch of hot vampire ladies. Just looking after, not only, you know, my sexual needs and wants, but all of my finances and stuff as well. Did that really happen?
No, it happened. I went to a club and puked on the ladies shoes. Right. Good.
So typical week for you there. All right. Well, then we get started with our supernatural version of blunt force satire. Blunt force satire is where we attempt to be satirical.
I have no interest in the news because it's presently Eli's likely more well read. So we're here at our basic satire, quick satire satire, set up Eli's witty blunt responses. Are you ready? This is all stopped at happen this week.
I'm not prepared. You never do. Yuri Geller blames psychic powers on iPhone 6 bending. Look, it's like, oh, we all forgot you existed.
As soon as the word, he must have sort of search bots online, looking for anything that bends and then trying to fucking be responsible for it. You know what I mean? Oh, she bent over. I did that.
Oh, oh, he's bent. He's a bent copper. I'm responsible for that. Boomerang's.
I did. You know, there's some terrible bridge accident. Oh, it bent. That was me.
No, hang on. That wasn't me. People died. That's a twatty is.
So he shakes off all responsibility once the death involved. It's because of people's psychic powers. Is that what he's suggesting? Everyone needs to tap their psychic potential to bend small metal objects.
It's not very useful, is it? Oh, it's an army of spoonbenders. Make sure your cutlery is in a cupboard or something. We'll get plastic.
That's fine. Next one. The bowler victim rises from the grave as a zombie. No, see, I think what's happened to it is the bowler victim wasn't actually the bowler victim.
They just had a bad head cold and they buried him. Quick, quick smart. And the EK, E sort of came up. And then we're all zombie.
No, it's like, it's bad diagnosis. So you think a guy with an open, he got very alive. Yeah, he got really pissed off. Yeah, which is fair enough.
You'd be so pissed off. You might come across as sort of wanting to eat people's brains. Yeah, I would. You know, you'd be like, I'm angry.
I'm so angry. I'm going to bite your skull. Next one. Our last one is Dudley Castle.
Ghost Picture. We could talk about this, but our regular co contributor, Ash, there's something on this already. So I think it's only about time you bring on our special guest, our third member of the unclean people almost. Mr Ash, Frick.
Frick. There you go. So we asked you to come along and bring some spooky stories. What did you bring?
Oh, well, I'm quite proud of this. Not this little bunch. The start of the deadly castle thing because I think this is a particularly riveting story. Definitely the proof of ghosts, I would say.
First of all, does anyone know this story? Have you heard this story? Sorry. Just this.
Someone with a camera phone took a picture of a ghosted dolty castle. Dudley Birmingham. Dudley Birmingham, which is already scary enough as a premise for this story. Go on.
So the building dates from 1071. So it's obviously haunted. Yeah. If it's old, it must be haunted.
Anything older than 50 years of haunted house. So when is the cut off, by the way? Because I live in like a 10 year old house. When is that potentially going to start being haunted?
So some child dies there. You have to... Then there's going to be a lot of dead babies. You better get started now.
Just start hacking them up, burying them in the garden, making it a future proof for our sales. But how's it going? It's very good. It's very good.
Yeah, I just think it's, you know, the older something is, the more likely lots of people died angrily. Yeah. Yeah. That's horrible.
I used to live in a very old pub. I've gone off the issue. I live in a 700 year old pub. You live in a 700 year old pub.
Oh, you so? My bedroom overlooks a graveyard. Do you know how many ghosts I saw? Two.
None. No ghosts. I don't need to see a load of ghosts. No, they weren't any.
You've never seen anything else creepy in the graveyard at night. My granddad. What are you doing? Digging away.
No. Do you have a hobby? Oh, my goodness. So he's at a castle.
He's at a castle. We're in 1071 in Birmingham. Amy Harper, 28. I don't know why you need to know her name, but it's in Brackets.
I think it's her name is in Flame now. She visited with her husband, Dean. And they, you know, they always... Yeah, they're starting off Dean.
They're starting off Dean. That's not the best name. Dean Harper. And they were, they started to take some pictures.
So the story goes. It all checks out so far. It's all legit. Do it to Birmingham action.
Can you do it? Okay. The building dates from, no. No, no, no.
I said it to the house. Arsenal. Just have a good chance. I can't do it.
Doodly. Doodly. Doodly. It's kind of like, I'm a teddy.
It's kind of like, she's an old lady. Doodly. Don't live there very long there. She visited with her husband, Dean.
They decided to take some pictures as she do. Then they, oh, go south. Yeah, later on, they were looking at the pictures with their children, their three children. And they saw what appears to be a grey woman in one of the doorways.
And I've seen the pictures, and they're in the picture of a grey woman at all. However, Amy Harper then says, this picture is definitely proof that the castle is haunted, or that it's a glitch when you zoom in heavily on a long-range photo on a smartphone. Which has happened before? So there you go.
The odds are good. That may be. It's not a ghost. We've got a collection of ugly pixels.
Yeah, she's basically taken a previous picture, zoomed in, and it's merged two pictures. Yeah. And she's happened before. I've done a ghost on the Doodly Castle.
Have you? A few years ago. I mean, they're a show they're live. And the thing is, the staff at Doodly Castle dress in period clothing.
All right. Because it's meant to evoke the period. There's a museum in the castle, this castle. So of course, there might be a woman dressed in grey lurking in the doorways.
And she's having a bad break. Yeah. How about like, golds? This goes smoke to more relights.
It's a little of it. So it must have been during opening hours that she took the photo. Yeah, it's a photo of one of the staff. And then she went to the shop and sold a sandwich.
Ooh. She was there from eight until five. Then she got in a Citroen AX, GCI, a Drove home. She's not working tomorrow.
So that's how I do want to do the... Yeah, do it all. It's a spooky story. All right, this is great.
I basically, I like the idea of a ghost, because ghosts don't even go to stuff and don't exist, as we all agree. Well, some people spend more time searching from another spot. I don't know who you mean. But there's no...
He searches for them, even though he knows he doesn't, they don't exist. That's the definition of useless behaviour. I treat ghost one thing in the same way I treat looking for love. So I looked for some really good, like, some good ghost stories, which were like real excuses.
So first of all, there's not much of a story to this, but you know the actress Lucy Liu. I know her very well. You know, she says that she's had sex with a ghost. How many ghosts?
Just the one ghost. Just the one, but it's enough. Well, I think that's enough to prove she's a lunatic. What did she say?
It was like having sex with a ghost. She said it was incredible. I quote. I've read it all.
She's on drugs. I think what she's done is she's done a ghost, sitting on your hand for half an hour and then flipping. Well, she's in Hollywood, isn't she? I mean, some of those old Jewish producers must be translucent, they're so old.
You know what I mean? You know, skin gets all translucent when you're old. Yeah, but why do they have to be Jewish? Some of those people who work in top level in Hollywood art, I've heard.
Like the Weinstein's and the Hollywood's Paul. It's like a kid's cartoon show. I'm allowed to say Jewish. I know.
Everyone's allowed to say the word Jewish. Well, why have you picked up on it? Because you... I was just painting a picture.
You could have had any... You know what, I'm carrying on. I'm with those old Hollywood producers who could be of many creeds who have translucent skin. Who had to say it to Lucy?
Yeah, and it was amazing because I don't know. He read the Commissaturist. Charlie's Angels, maybe it's one of the angels. Oh, that Charlie's Angels film.
I feel like I've opened a door. I don't want to look behind. Yeah, and I've put a door-stop in. She's not a stylist.
You know what she once said as well? She said Asian people, meaning oriental's because there we go, Jews first. She said Asian people don't really like soy sauce. And that struck me.
It struck me because, yeah, I mean, you get it in all the restaurants, aren't you? Chinese restaurants and what have you. Wow, what'd she say? She said, oh, that's just sort of an affectation of the West.
We proper Asians don't really like it. I thought that's bullshit, isn't it, Lucy? I mean, you make it there. You're talking as if you had a chat with her.
And now, not only do I think that's bullshit, I think it's dubby bullshit because she's claimed to have sex with a ghost. So almost anything she says is obvious. Clap-trab. It's got a point.
Yes. I heard a story about this guy who was being raped nightly by a soccer bus. Ripped nightly. That's what he was saying.
That's what he was saying. No. Come on, I've got a high-five there. I was trying to form that joke and then he got there.
That's why he works. That's why we get him on. Yeah. So he was saying every night a soccer bus, a female nasty ghost would come in and the wife would wake up and he'd be thrashing about in a jockey lake all over her.
Seriously. And then the marriage broke up because he couldn't convince her that that was a proper excuse and not just in wanking. No justice in the world. There's no justice in the world.
So, you know, there's a certain kind of precedent set. This is another week story. Meatloaf said he saw a ghost on set at the bat out of hell video. They said they saw a woman in white on set.
So he told us she wasn't allowed to be there. Run downstairs to the guys who were like the crew of the shoot and said, guys, there's a group up there. And then they said, well, how did she go there? There's no way in.
Is it possible? So they returned back up there and she was gone. Oh, definitely a ghost. Someone he saw it.
Did you not allow to be here? When he went to why he came back, had gone. That's super natural. And again, I had not seen a story, but I've one of those ones where someone told you I thought it was a logical explanation for it.
A friend of mine went to a younger 15 said she was going to buy a ghost in her house and the ghost would move her around the building. And she said one of the things she'd do was she'd stand at the top of the stairs, close her eyes. Then she'd wake up half an hour late at the bottom. I was like, of course you're falling down the stairs at your eyes.
So I was like, I'm from 13 ghosts. The tagline to that is, there's nothing scarier than 13 ghosts. What about 14 ghosts? Because they've done it.
They've done the science. If you look at the graph of scariest and ghost numbers along the bottom, it gets to 13 and then it starts to, well, it doesn't pan out if it drops right off. 14 ghosts, just amusing. A horde of ghosts.
That's why 13 ghosts house very scary. Pawned imagine this and he could've Knight on the 99 ghost. Not scary at all. Not back in scary.
We prove that point. There's a sign behind it. What do you mean? There is?
As if I'd make something up on a spot. This is a great excuse, but I'm gonna go with my least to my best of these stories. Okay. In Tasmania, this guy set up cameras in his house.
He was sure that he's house was being haunted by a ghost. So he set up cameras first off in his son, he's 16 year old son's bedroom. And the first night he did it, it captured his new wife, his son's stepmother, creeping to the room and have sex with his son, which is bad. He's got them at it.
There's no ghosts. You imagine there's a stiff talking to going on. Oh, yes. However, they obviously got over it because the next day, he set up a camera in the kitchen, which he had to catch some evidence of paranormal activity.
Viewing the footage, the man saw footage, suit uses the word footage, the two once again making love on the worktop. So day two is caught them again for the second time. This happened a further two times in the bathroom and sitting room at the property. Like there's no ghosts, they're just constantly fucking.
So you're married to some kind of sexual athlete. Why? Well done son, maybe you're just really proud. I don't understand how they're still living there.
I think he was getting frustrated, he knew there was a ghost there, he was putting a camera up and then they didn't throw up the shot. He was like, I'll put it in the fucking kitchen then. Could you so stop fucking fucking fucking? Well, I'm trying to catch some fucking ghosts in Tasmania was Australian.
Well, a lot of Northern people do move there. Yeah. This one is a bit closer to home for us certainly. This is the sort of the Hammersmith ghost murderer, which happened in 1803, where in Hammersmith in London numerous people had claimed to have been attacked, or their children were attacked by a ghost.
And on the third of January of the same year, Francis Smith shot and killed Plastner, Thomas Millwood, because he was wearing white overalls. So he'd sort of set up a blockade to catch this ghost because they believed it. So Francis Smith was sentenced to death, which was downgraded to one year hard labor. So he got away because he proved that obviously he believed in ghosts and he was trying to save the town from the ghosts.
However, over the years, like this went on for about 110 years, they're looking into this case. It turned out that Thomas Millwood lived with Francis Smith, they were friends. And Francis had warned Thomas twice about going out in the streets, looking like a ghost because people might attack him. So which Thomas said, what was the quote from him?
Shut up unless you'd like a punch around her in brackets bad word head. So then Francis clearly annoyed, just shot him in the streets and claimed that he'd be the ghost. It turns out anyway that he had been scaring the local shoemaker's sons because telling them scary stories and that's why he was pretending to be a ghost. Well, that's always says two things to me.
One, don't wear overalls would be called my ghost or we seen as a ghost, which means thank God, I've read him very well in the 1800s. Or they'd be dead. And secondly, was that a reference to Rainbow? 80s kids show.
Thank you. Just for the letter that was at home, who might have been born after that, I don't know, I'm in 84 and I have no idea of what the sock puppets. Was that when your show was on as well? Which show?
Come and say hello to Paul! How dare you? You know, when you were the little kid. Shut up.
The only thing is, wouldn't go supposed to be more awesome if they just had shotguns. Shut up. Just loading up. Bang, I'd love that.
My favorite story of the ones I hastily call together is the one of the Shrime, which is a famous Japanese ghost story, which has many different twists and turns. You can read different versions of the story. But the long and short of it is that an ancient samurai warrior was walking around Kyoto. Yeah, Kyoto.
Late one night when he was attacked in brackets sexually by a naked pervert. As the samurai was about to draw his sword to kill the naked pervert, bent over and contorted in shape to reveal a huge eyeball peering out of his anus. Various versions of the story end with the warrior either, I'm gonna say wanking off the pervert monster or blinding the monster with his penis. This to me is a story of a samurai warrior getting caught having sex with another man.
And it's like, oh, it was a monster that was poking out into one eye. It's a brown eye. No. What, I was obviously gonna do the brown eye guy.
I know. The mericence on. Yeah, brown eye go. Or the worst one.
Don't make that brown eye blue. Which I imagine he did. And that's the end of my Earth's ghost. Brown and gold sword for Ash and his ghost story.
They love a tentacle penis, don't they, they're Japanese? Yes, there's a reason for that though. They don't use a lot of, there's no hentai porn thing. Yeah, if I pronounce that right, I'm not quite sure.
I'll buy hentai. Because they can't show penises in, you can show a tentacle. In Japanese porn and artwork, you can't really show the penis. The phallus, they replace it with tentacles or vegetable roots and things as a repeat as replacements.
And then that became, And does it work like if you go and order calamari? Do you get penises? Yeah, but they're all blurred out. Good.
Yeah, you're laughing. I'd say that's a bam-a-lose, isn't it? I don't know. In what respect?
Well, there isn't that story. That one story, yeah. Demon eye. They like eyeballs though, don't they?
What, the Japanese? Because you know, you've got the ring. So eyeball is peering out from behind the areas. The ring if you ask me.
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But are you going with it?
No. Oh. She'd... It actually means butt eye.
That's where she said butt eye. So yeah, it's actually got a whole word for it. But some people would argue that all of the whole, the j-horror thing is all about fear of technology. Yes.
It's torrenting. Richard Sannick, the scariest manager. The video is the most scary thing out there. Here's his video collection.
It's the Japanese equivalent to having a haunted library. It's just one of these... Oh my god. Beverly cool, Hillscock 3.
Oh, Beverly Hillscock your hour. It's haunted. Cop it off. I'm just going to listen to film.
Stop with my mongrel shoot. What I'd like to see is the attack of the mushroom people. Do you know that one? No.
There you go. What, is it a real film? It's a real film, a j-horror film. Attack on what we'll be looking into that in time.
Yes. Right, can we get our major huge guest on then, please? Ooh. I'm not sure what I'll be on for the show tonight.
I've asked for a while. He's finally come along for us. He'll have a wee special. Please, geeze all your applause in around the belt fashion to clap on stage.
Eggs even going looking changed. Hi. How you doing, sir? I'm having a great time.
Good. I'm glad you've come all the way from a furthest Wales. South Wales, come down today. I'm having some fun.
I've had a drink. I've had a hot drink. I know I'm having an alcoholic drink. Oh, he's doing all the drinks.
Yeah, man. All the drinks. A lot of fun. A lot of energy in the room.
And they're having a great time. Woo! Come on. I'm going to do that.
So, do you have any ghost stories? Yeah, I quite like a good ghost. I've always been fascinated with the paranormal and the occult. I've got a shit joke I made up about 20 minutes ago.
This is the perfect. This is the real shit. It's a ghostbuster's joke. Oh, perfect.
And I've got to get this right because I only just made it up and it's really bad. Which ghostbuster stole Slimers' drugs? I don't know which ghost was the sole Slimers' drugs. Egon.
There you go. That's better than your old intro. That's my shit ghostbuster's joke for you there. It's in the streams, sir.
Yeah, that's a great one. That's a bit of fun. I like the occult. I like ghosts.
I don't know if they exist, but I like the idea of ghosts existing. Everything's in there. I've had the sheets pulled off my bed. Not particularly spooky, but apparently that happens when ghosts are in rooms.
Yeah, they're too. They're all sheets off bed. It's nothing much. I saw some weird lights about a week ago.
I was looking out of my window. Yeah. And there's some trees. There's a skyline.
This is more alien based. Okay, that's fine. There was a heavy cloud formation. I was just looking at a cross.
And two lights. Very bright white lights appeared. They were there for about two seconds. And then I got caught and went along and then dove down in a curved formation and moved and then disappeared again.
Didn't scare me! I just thought I was procimating. It is fascinating. I want to come back from a festival with my modern successful pop group.
And I came back from a festival three or four o'clock in the morning. I got home around my mind and I was looking up, know, strange enough. I was looking up into the sky. And again, I saw three exceptionally small lights moving at what would have been intense speed, just gliding, and they broke off into extra lights and went off in another direction.
Was it just me on drugs? That's what I always think. I always see UFOs and I think no actually just drugs. It's first on the checklist.
Are you on ecstasy? Yes Festival and I was like really off my head and there was this thing on the hillside this sort of pulsating light thing I was like fuck me that is a UFO Reminded me actually of a terrifying supernatural story. Where did mine told me great family friends of his were building their own home and they lived in a So portable cabin. What's the word of caravan?
It's not a caravan. I say building their own home I think grandmother so it took about 18 months two years to build this beautiful home and they lived in this giant Alipartan style port cabin and as the building went on the grandmother was very old She's I'm not sure if I'll make it to see the house being built But you know we'll keep doing this and as long as we've got a TV here I'll be okay because I love the show Dallas also love the show dynasty absolutely loved them great shows as they were as they were I'm you know she watched these shows every night religiously and finally they built a house and they're like grand We built a house so now you can watch your favorite shows Dallas and dynasty in the house and it'll be great But sadly just as the house was ready she died very sad times So the first night they put on Dallas apparently whenever they watch Dallas or dynasty the grand head would appear About the television of spin round 360 degrees Yeah, so the entire family were on drugs That's a perfect Wednesday night for me so that's another scary one there again No evidence to back this up, but they sound great they sound great They've been pacing itself on that Hey, you better tell everyone about the age of else we will This one up to you know you know you know you know Actually, please pause podcast Pising podcast Pising complete Hey doc actually I was just helping Cyrus with the Halloween costume Oh, yeah? What's he going yes? Oh, well sconce They really aren't there many options.
Yes excellent. Well, I'm afraid we have more pressing matters at hand than the man in the wall Michael you've heard of the unclickables podcast Sure, Paul and Eli right? Yes, that's the one I'll admit that it's very primitive and rudimentary and the humor is often juvenile But I find that despite myself I've grown to be quite a fan Are we talking about the same podcast? It's really very funny Michael If you say so I have trouble with the accents So why do you call me for anyways?
I love Cyrus with the lampshade in his head so I should probably keep back Ah, yes, Michael. Well in this Halloween episode Eli is on one of his customary rights Those aren't too bad Affirmative And Paul is not entirely with that entertainment value Right, well anyway, so funny it pleases me it really pleases me Yeah, Paul's pretty funny too Maybe I should read this one Please, please, please Listen, in Eli's rant he very foolishly reveals the true nature of ghostly apparitions What? The future ghost thing? Really doc?
Really Michael Now I happen to know for a fact that in every other timeline where this revelation has occurred Death and destruction immediately and inevitably followed in its wake You follow that? Destruction not unlike the horrific after effects of the terrible hatred of it That grisly accident that I myself presided over That accident which tore through the very fabric of space time That accident which I fear I shall never put No, I know all about the Hadron Blastock We're recovering fragments of your wife every day You really don't need to recap Michael, we need to go back in time and stop this event from happening The Hadron event? Hey, that's not a bad No, no, the destruction of the Unclickables podcast I don't know how I'd be able to get through my work without it Yeah, but do you really think we should interfere like that? I mean, I know we've pretty much interfered with every timeline we've come across Some of them more than once, but Michael, my mind is made up I'm afraid we'll have to go back in time and kidnap Paul and Eli Okay, doc, listen I'm surprisingly indifferent to messing with timelines but kidnapping I might be a little biased but doesn't that sound kind of extreme?
Well, I suppose we could just jam the broadcast, see? Maybe a post-hypnotic suggestion or two? Right? You should both know I don't approve Nonsense, Ashley, I totally agree, Ash Anything particularly bad about this one?
Well, I took the liberty of using my quantum processing power to make every possible outcome It's pretty bad How bad? Well, your planned intervention would save the podcast, but... There you go, excellent! That's the ensuing chain of events caused by your intervention would create a 99% probability of a nightmare scenario involving Eli Sittleman's transformation into a powerful, sexy vampire In his reign of global terror, Eli uses his manpower of powers to enslave the population for his bizarre sexual entertainment Eventually, after hundreds of years, Earth's civilization is deemed too sexy and dangerous It is eradicated by, um, future ghosts Aliens?
Well, yeah Okay, well that decides it Yes, Michael, it does Ashley, jam the broadcast and initiate hypnosis But, uh... You know how I can get to my routine isn't dropped in my... Well, he's got a point, Ashley But be sure to be clear Their language is kind of odd True It is strange how our American words mean different things to them Okay, well, sit your fanny down and let's save the unclickables Ashley? Jim and broadcast Going back out briefly to the...
Oh, the aliens thing... We had a... ... ...
Genisins of this timeline I am Francis Oppenheim of Alleany In the year 2018, I... God, it's a victory programming, right? Ah, yes, quite right, Michael First off, allow me to apologize for the interruption in your podcast consumption I will be brief Ooooooooh... That doesn't seem as a sign You will disregard the incendiary revelations of Eli Silverman You will not remember anything he has said regarding aliens and Russians You will enjoy the unclickables podcast and rate and review it on iTunes You will also find yourself compelled to visit Hadron Gospelau.com To find out more about...
That's a bit crass Michael, again, we apologize for hypnotyping your minds And for the ensuing sexy apocalypse that Eli Silverman will most likely soon visit upon you as a result of our actions But please, rest easy in the post-hypnotic knowledge that your sacrifice will ensure that at least one brilliant scientist will benefit greatly from your generations of empiric bondage That's sufficient, right? I guess Well then, resume your listening and remember nothing Oh, and uh, Happy Halloween from all of us at Hadron Gospelau Happy Halloween! Alright, Ashley, end transmission I hope we haven't made a huge mistake I love a good alien, I love a good ghost Um, I think... Why not?
Why not? These are quite a series, isn't it? Aliens are in fact the ghost of us in our future past It's a classic one This is the other issue I have Um, you often see ghosts of medieval, uh, gentry Or you might see some of them in World War II Yeah Why doesn't anyone ever see the ghosts of A Dinosaur? It's a very good question You know what I mean?
Because they didn't exist because God created the world a few thousand years ago Oh, God, I forgot about that one I forgot about the loophole So, you know, these are strong issues and we're bringing them to the forefront Yes, absolutely This is a great time, this is a great time ever It's a good question though, because like, do we see like hoodie ghosts? Like, you know, let me ask it, you know Can't the state hoodie ghosts go around? Well, I always thought maybe to be a ghost, it's like you're trapped You know, you hadn't lived out the full potential of your life So you died in a violent or sort of a sudden way And the dinosaurs, they just sort of ate a load of grass And then there was a comet and they went, oh shit Well, we're done here, and I said, who wants to come back? Well, yeah, actually that's a good point, you want to call it a water-white sort of dinosaur That should be called the Sender Pat Parcel And I was wiped out by the comet, I might come back as a ghost You see the bang, you see the bang up from the other continent And then you go, oh, that goes to my cave It's not gonna be much vegetation next summer No, Tori ghost historian, Richard Felix Has a theory about why ghosts were closed Because they don't so much believe that ghosts Because, you know, if you die, why do your ghost, close, go, need your ghost Why are you all ghost naked?
And also that would make a much more interesting episode most haunted The point being, it's his logic is that The building acts as a recording device for humanity And so if there's a violent attack, there's a theory going around A very poor theory that buildings made way back when it had a certain kind of a granite The stone tape theory is okay, so I just put it out here Jane Ash's classic 70s TV show Oh, it's great, get back in the kitchen, there are no ghosts, make some cakes But there are ghosts, no ghosts And then it's just pretty much a flashing light to me Pretty good Because it's recording being reverberated back into the environment So he built a machine called the Ghost Box Recorder Classic And what he did was, he thought the thing he was He put enough power into this building, like the wall or whatever You can generate enough energy, feed it back into some machine he built Project it onto a cloud of fog and you can see the ghost from the wall Through his fog machine, right? Did it work? No Because the machine was literally a nine-volt battery A disc golf machine? Was it a disc golf machine?
Yes, okay I'm either joking though, the whole machine was a box And when the man on top of it, it was in the shape of a coffin No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, added class It was a coffin with a nine-volt battery and two wires that plugged into a wall or some haunted item Three disc golf lights and a fog machine, nothing and it needs a CD deck and he's set Paul, tell us the story about him, that classic story Oh, okay, well, we do this with Ghost It basically, I would present this show called Psychic Science And it was like the most haunted live, have you seen most haunted? It's a people who were listening to a British show where this bunch of idiots go from haunted haunted haunted house and they try and catch every supernatural which is needed to be the historian on the show for a while He would start his section of the live show by going up to the audience like, okay, who here believes in ghosts? And like, the whole audience would put their hands up And then, okay, who's ever seen a ghost? All the hands would go up Who's ever heard a ghost?
Half the hands would go up Who's ever maybe smelled a ghost? One or two hands Then he would say, okay, I asked this question one night I said, who has ever had sex with a ghost? And then at the back of the room, one man went, yeah, I've done that, rich, I've done that And Richard said he stopped the show, walked to the front of the stage and went, excuse me, so you may have misheard me Maybe you've got confused, are you telling everyone here that you've had sex with a ghost? The man went, oh no, I thought you said goat Every fucking night that story And every fucking night, 40 women at past the age of 60 laughed in knickers off They loved it Paul, that wasn't the story I meant Which was, oh, okay, the other story was, he's a bit eccentric Richard Felix If you don't want to show, you can see he's a little bit not there, he's a nice guy, but he's not really there And the story goes, again, that he told me was that he wanted to kill his own turkey for Christmas Because he owns farmland and the farmer next door had some turkeys And he went, oh, can I have one for Christmas?
Yeah, so Richard said, okay, well, how would you kill a turkey? And the farmer went, it's very simple, he just put some top hauling down the floor, you hand the turkey upside down over it The button washed to its head, it will eventually pass out, you break it to neck, chop it It bleeds out, you can pluck it to skin it to the Christmas, right? Long story short, the turkey is shaped and he burnt his house down Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, good That's the kind of guy he is Good, so yeah, I look good, good, good But all the problems are strong, good Yeah, I think You know why?
Because Ash is one of those, what, goggs tater, vegetarian Okay, ohhh He's on the tater, he's on the tater, he's on the tater, he's on the tater, he's on the tater, he's on the tater, he's on the tater I like it, I like it I don't use the views of vegetarian ghosts Yeah, you know what, those are ghosts vegetable, like a spooky broccoli Or a cauliflower from beyond the grave A beetroot Oh wait, wait, that was good, that was good Alright, then let's do our interview shall we? Oh, we're gonna do that, we're gonna do that, we're gonna do that, we're gonna do our interview So we've got a few questions, we got a treat after the chatå Great Just give us your responses! Okay, great let's go... Is there music?
No, okay, not quite yet Can you do the music to Parkinson? P scratched the head P foot , actually I just wanna say very quickly before the interview begins Parkey took part in a classic BBC horror many years ago It goes west Which, mr. pipes, the terrifying creature, the fake11Slot cameradie in around the house and the best thing ever saw Parkey do was at the end of the show the ghost goes crazy takes over the tv studio and kills everybody, everyone runs off and all you left with is Parkey walking towards the camera possessed going, run around the garden like a teddy bear. Run around the garden like a teddy bear.
And he just says that repeatedly. I just, that's the best thing Parkey ever did. It's brilliant. Run around the garden like a teddy bear.
Wonderful. We went to see a special screening of Go's Watch at the BFI. Yeah, and Parkey was there. Did Parkey react right now in the garden like a teddy bear?
It was brilliant. It was brilliant. But what was great about it was like when you watched it back in the day, in the 90s, it was fucking scary. So I mean, terrified pipes.
However, there's a problem with it when you watch it back now. Oh shit. Well, no, it wasn't shit. It wasn't designed firstly for a cinema screen.
So that's a problem. And it also wasn't maybe what meant to be viewed over and over because it loses it in. Yeah, of course. The worst thing about it was where Mr.
Pikes hides is under the stairs. Yeah. However, they called it the glory hole. Yeah.
They just keep referring to it as the glory hole. It kind of breaks the magic. Well, when I was 13, the glory hole's out at the scariest place in the world. And that I'm 36.
It's still the scariest sounding place in the world. Oh, god. It's like, oh, look, Mr. Pikes is coming through the door.
Oh, that's literally right. Start off as an interview. Right. Right.
OK, interview. I'll start. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Run around the garden like a juggler. OK, OK. It's question number one. OK.
Do you believe in ghosts? I like ghosts. I cannot answer that question though. I want them to.
I want to believe. OK. OK, next question. So when did you first get into rap?
Probably when I was about 10 or 11. And I had James Brown sex machine. Up until then, pop music had just been many makeup with Freddie, Californess and girls. I was in the back of my dad's car.
And I heard the funky drummer and I heard sex machine and I burst that laughing because I was like, they've made a song about a machine you can have sex with. I didn't really know what sex was to tell the truth. I knew what machines were. I knew it was something that adults did and I thought, this is great.
And then later on hip hop started and I heard the same drum break and I was like, this is amazing. So that sex machine, those guys with the music, this is awesome. And that was kind of the birth. And also camouflage, that's on camouflage.
Remember that song camouflage? Oh, camouflage. I wanted to get it back in the chimes. Quite the way they seem.
It's all kind of rat breaking it. No, just the element of someone taking some music and just making up a story over the top. It's not about falling in love. But a guy in Vietnam saving you and he's a ghost.
It's awesome. And Paul Cardhassel's 19. I had a massive obsession with the Vietnam War. And I watched Platoon about six times in a row on VHS.
I was like, 10. And my mother came in and she said, turn this off, it's full of obscenities. So fuck you, you don't understand the horror of war. I know it's 11.
So that was great. Do you remember that tune? I remember that camouflage tune. Yeah, great tune.
It wasn't that tune about the guy who played guitar on the devil. And he had a guitar battle with the devil. That's the, yeah. What was that?
That went down to Georgia. Yeah, yeah. That's what I wanted to do. What about that one?
The trucker, Big Bad John or whatever. Big Bad John, that's another classic. Those, those, all those tunes were kind of influential. Because it was about something else.
Yeah, about something else. But that's a novelty record, weren't they? That's a novelty fucking record. This is it.
It's all about the novelty. All about the novelty, guys. Next song. See, I love your band.
I love the ones who know where you got the band loosely used to them. And I wanted to know where you got the name for your group for Love and Criminals. Because I loved it. Well, yeah.