Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, hello to you. I'm Eli Silverman and it's another fantastic, exciting episode of the show we like to call simply Cheapshow. And here's the other... Oh, if he waits.
If he fucking waits. Here's the other co-host of Cheapshow. Paul Gannen, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on another special show because it's a Christmas Cheapshow today.
Jingle, Jingle, Jingle, Jingle. So that means we've got lots of lovely Christmas things for us to explore today on the show. What's coming up on the show? Well, we have so many Christmas things.
I can't fathom the load. It's a packed show today. A packed show, right. So we are...
So where we've got coming up on the show, Paul? Well, we have got so much stuff you will not believe your fat face. You said that. You keep saying that.
It's true. You keep saying I've got so much stuff. But what is this stuff? What we're doing?
We have on the show today, we've got... We promised it a while ago, we're going to go to your tax shelf and evaluate and investigate some of your interesting tat. Which by the look on your face means you haven't picked any out on a cat. You're knocking it around.
You're knocking it around. Oh, yeah, oh. We are recording in the house of pickles. Again, ladies and gentlemen, and so...
Christmas at the house of pickles. What's for Christmas dinner? Pickles. I'm a big pickle.
A big roast pickle. Are you a... We can't have a lego of rest on a pickle. You fucking can.
What? You mean are you a pickle or a pickle man? Yeah. And like all the crackers like pickles.
You could make a slit in a pill. Yeah. And then what would you do with the slit? Fuck it.
Wow. Very nice little... Oh, we're daddy Eli fucking the Christmas pickle. That could be a new tradition.
It is a new tradition. Oh, can't wait. You make a wish. Because if he comes after three pumps, we all get a wish for Christmas.
Three pumps, hey? Oh, I can't jump. Silverman. Oh, little pickle crackers.
Crackles crackers. Little pickle crackers. Like your pull. And there's a little pickle joke in there.
That's just a pickle in it. Not Mark. Who's there? Pickle who?
Pickle who? Oh, no, that's correct. Is that what a pickle joke has to be? No.
How many pickles do you like, Bob? I don't know. No pickles. Doesn't know.
Oh, he's a pickle. You don't? Have you seen the intern pickles into like bobs? Or they can make them glow up?
Or what is it? They put them in the microwave on the old glow. Are you? What?
They put them in the microwave. They put them in the microwave on the old spark and snap electricity. You see little blue sparks and they glow up. Don't try that at home.
Please, God, don't stop putting fruit in your microwave. You can fruit as fine as any metal that you want to put in there. So pickle gravy with the pickle, slice of pickle that you have. Veg.
Pickle pickle pickle. And then a little roast these little rosy pickles. Rosed pickles. Yeah, pickles.
I love pickle crisps and elives. It's so sobering. Anyway, that's what we've got. We've got the price of chite.
That's coming back. Is this a price of chite 2.0? It is the cliffhanger. Okay.
And to end on for a very Christmas episode, we are going to try that super spicy hot, all double ouch no, no, no noodle. It sounds sanyang. I thought you'd say sanyang. It is sanyang, I believe.
Yes. We did try it on an afternoon before last. Yeah. And you loved it, didn't you?
You scuffed it. But that was the one time spicy. I'm going for two times spicy. I'm going for two times spicy.
Two times the spice. Two times the flavor. Yeah. When I do this, hanger, I'm going to bring the microwave close to your mouth.
I thought you were saying the episode before last. I was going to say. I thought you were trying to get me to the end. I thought you were trying to get me to the end.
I thought you were not last episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see my confusion there. I saw your confusion.
Okay. I'm holding it right up to my freaking face. You can keep an eye on your little bottom track there. Oh, why do I have to do that?
Isn't that what people are paying to do? Very Christmas. Oh, I know I lied, actually. I actually do have something Christmassy for Christmas this year.
I'm going to play Christmas. What else do you do? You go and you buy a board game. Don't you?
Fuck it, girl. You do. You go buy a board game. You heard about how you went and monopoly.
How do you went and monopoly? Just buy houses. Congratulations. I've never had this problem before.
Right. You just buy houses and don't get hotels. It's like an eye. My monopoly.
No, I'm an eye-fucking player. It's the most boring game in the world. What kind of game based on wrens and mortgages? Apparently it was a sort of satire.
Paradim of catalism when it first worked. Oh, really? I would say go for broke would be more of a parody. No, but go for it like based on the knob.
I'm being up. You're mouth thing. It's got out of hand. That's what the ladies say.
You're off and go, your mouth thing has gone out of hand. I apologize. Jeffrey Rush, eh? What about him?
Inappropriate. Who Jeffrey Rush? The actor. The one who was in Shine.
That's right. And the role of Dr. Frankenstein in Mystery Man. Yes, and a lot of other.
Yeah. High profile film work. How's on haunted Hill where you played basically Vincent Price? It was remake.
I like that. It's not great. It's not a great film. It's a lot of fun.
It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. I like a nice haunted house movie. What are you saying before I've zoned out?
It's made in appropriate feelings. Merry Christmas everybody. I was wrong. I thought it was going to be null, but it wasn't null.
Maybe next year if you wish hard enough and you know you fuck the pickle in three. You'll get your wish. You have to jaggle into the pickle for three. You do.
That's how you make the wish happen. You know I saw there was a headline once. Yeah. It was like, what's that woman called?
Carol. Could be. No, like you know, out of a tonic kitten. Carol?
No. The one who was blonde then got married a few times and had a bit of a rocky life. I used to fancy her like mad. Cheryl Cole.
No, that's a girl's allow girl. Okay. Katie F. For the purpose of the story.
Yeah. You don't have to say everything I say at the same time. I just thought you weren't going to get that sentence out. So I was helping you finish it.
Hey Paul. Yeah. Hey Paul. Kiss me.
I can fucking. Oh, hello. My name is Eli. And this is a sentence.
That's a very good sentence. Yeah. I like eating the hottest chili in the world. A kona tasting.
You're reading stuff that's in my room. You can't even think of a sentence. I can do a sentence now. Eli's little bit is one of my closest friends and I adore him.
He has both wit, guile, strength and a moral call. That is completely, completely, I've lost it. I'm going to do a sentence. It's both wit, guile and then he went on to add a third thing.
When it both refers to two. I went overboard. I went overboard anyway. So this girl from a funny, it was a funny, funny headline.
I saw one's which said, oh, Cheryl. Oh. Inside her sad split. Yeah.
I was like a gossit man. Yeah. Yeah. They hadn't thought that through.
No, they hadn't thought that through. Sad split. Maybe they did think it through and that was just there. It's the first little way.
Hey, I've got this board game. I've got it in a charity shop. It was weird as well because the charity shop I went to. I've never seen before.
It was on the road from where I lived. I've got this stuff, Mill Road Wheel, the kind of major charity shop. And this one I've never seen before. So I went in and it had like books and everything like that.
And then a whole rack of board games. And they had like Monopoly and they had all the usuals. And they had this one that looked like a chess box, like a wooden box. I'll show you what I'm going to like.
It's a big thing. Nice. Yeah. Wow.
That is. It's an interesting game. It's all very ornate. It's very ornate.
And it's going for like a pound. And it had taper. I didn't tape off. But I had like tape round up the round.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called, I think it's German. It's called Minch Moncha. I thought that as well.
I thought that. I thought that was a straight game. It's an interesting game. I mean, it looks Minch Moncha.
Yeah, one word Minch Moncha. No, no, it's one word Minch Moncha. It's all about. It's over you.
So that's Minch Moncha. Oh, so it's Minch Moncha then. Yes. I don't know what translates into.
So we're going to play this. We're going to play this. Yeah, let me open up. What's it about?
I don't know. I haven't had to tape off. But I haven't had to look inside. It looks like maybe some kind of like sorry or frustration kind of thing.
I'm going. Sorry. What's your dad to do that? Go around.
Sorry. I got it. I got it. Oh, I saw it.
I'm having a look inside. So a couple of chess pieces. They look very phallic. Each one looks like a chessish.
Chessish. Chessish. Chessish. Chessish.
Chessish. But they all like little penises. They do. They've even got little frog meat.
It's meatises. What? That's what the smallest slates at the end of your penis is called. It's called a what?
A Metis. Oh. So if I got to a lady, I'd say hello. We like to meet us.
Who's us? No love. No love. That was the day.
Paul Gannon was accused of inappropriate conduct in a podcast. It's not a very nice sounding word. Is it a treatise? No, it's not.
We are going to play. We are going to play it. I want to show you at the beginning because it's very interesting. No, we can't play it now.
I don't have to look at the rules. All it says on the lid is touch the spot. Join the dots. Get the keys.
If you please. Keys. I don't see any keys in it. There's dice.
There's a big red spot in the middle of the game. That looks like a button. Well, press it. It might have some kind of animatronic aspect.
It might be, but it doesn't have any batteries on it. I don't know. I'll just give it a little press. Alright, I shall press it.
See nothing. Oh no. What's that? I don't know.
What is that? It's moving. Can you hear that? It's like it's shifting.
You hear that's sort of really weird. It's got a vibration for the vibration. Right through my groin. I'm not going to do it.
Oh, how do you turn this off? Because no, no, no, no, no. What's it doing? It's turning it.
I don't know what it's doing. It's getting high-quality. It's too hot. Putting up on Jesus Christ.
Look at that. I'm getting sucked in. My bullets feel all swimming. I'm getting sucked in by the means of my chit.
Getting sucked in by the means of my chit. I'm getting sucked in by the means of my chit. I hate you and your fucking mood repossi. I'm going to have mood.
It's a fact of truth. Look at that. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to have fun.
I'm going to have fun. Tell us what it's like. We've got a thing. Hello.
I'm going to have to do so. I'm going to have fun. Oh, oh, oh. What?
What do you put in my drink? Fucking hell then. Where the fuck are we? We're in the house of pickle.
No. No. Look, we're in some kind of field. We're in some kind of field.
What's going on here? Why am I wearing your clothes? Well, I woke up a bit before you and had a little mess around. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. Is that appropriate? Listen. Look, look, look, look, look.
Christ. Here we are in a strange and foreign place that we don't know yet. I thought I had to take the action to our characters. I thought it was dreaming, Paul.
Look, we're in a field for God's sake. I know we're in a field. How do we get into a field? I think I remember being in your dirty room.
You saying would like a bite of this mysterious meat? Me saying yes. And then here we are. No, it was the game, remember?
Oh, God. No, you're right. I remember. Yeah, I just remember you saying, oh, here's some mysterious meat.
Close your eyes. I didn't know. Now, I think you're conflating a central fantasy. Oh.
What's actually happening? We opened the box called Minch Munchur. Yes. I pressed the button.
And then we're here. It's all hazy after that. Do you think the box sucked us in? You thought I was going to say off then?
Yeah. You thought I was going to say off? Well, I didn't. Did I?
The box sucked us through. Yeah. The box sucked us through something. A vortex apparently.
The set of brave hearts. It looks normal. I mean, it looks fine. I mean, apart from that seven foot tall robin over there eating a cat.
That's a bit different. I'm not seeing one of those before. That is a bit different. And look, there's a rich white man giving money away to the poor.
I don't see that very often. Oh, my God. The satire in this land is. Oh.
Raise a sharp. It's on point. It's not. It's so not.
But anyway, there's a large balloon with a stripe on it. What? Yeah. That had no point.
But it didn't have any points. You're fucking weird satire. I'm in a world-bound imaginary country. We've woken up in and seen what I see.
I can't help it if it's a bit blunt. There's a floating cat's bum. Yes, it's like a reverse Cheshire cat where you see it's arse first and last. But you're like actually real cats to be fair.
Well, you see it's arse first and last. Cats love showing you it's arse. I mean, your cat. No, if a cat's problem.
Your cat has problems. No, my cat does not have problems. My cat has problems. I'll tell you why my cat has no problems.
It's cleaner, a better fed than you. It might be a cat doing better than you. It attacks me. It does attack me.
It doesn't attack me. It doesn't attack it. You deny you are in the Egyptian river. Deny you.
Oh, what about your cat? A French river. You're insane. And now you have to think of another special river to giant top of that, aren't you?
You're in Danube. You haven't got any clothes on. You're in Danube. No.
No. Okay. So what I'm going to do anyway? Well, apart from all the wacky things around us, we need to find some sort of civilization.
I think I can see a pub. No, you've got pub sense on. No, hang on. I think I can, there seems to be some kind of settlement over there.
Paul, I mean, you're right. You're smoking chimneys. Well, give me my shoes back and my pants. But then I'll make it.
So how's that? You be naked. Well, no, it was your choice to put my clothes on you. So you stay naked.
I'll stay naked. Excellent. But can I have one shoe at least? You can have my scarf.
How come? You came through the vortex, naked, but I came fully clothed. I don't know. That's a strange aspect.
There are going to be plot holes. I'll be honest with you with this episode. Okay. Well, let's set off.
Let's set off. Okay. This magical village. It's strange, isn't it?
It's very strange. How far away? Yeah. It's about a mile.
Let's go. We're walking a mile. We're walking a mile. We're walking a mile.
We're walking a mile. We're the song and the smile. We're the best birdie by my side. I said I was clothed, but he purposely lied.
He put me in his clothes so I could see his slide. We're still in love between his legs. It's called slide whistle of love. It's called slide whistle of love.
It's when you're talking. I think you've got a song. I've got a song. Pull, pull, pull, pull.
The wanker. Pull, pull, pull. The wanker. Let's get there.
This isn't a very good bit of the story. You have a song. You have a song. You have a song.
You have a song. You have a song when people are travelling in distance. We're not seen as the boss. We're going to village.
That robinator cat. We're going to village. We're going to village. I've got an RC sack.
You are hardly Anthony Newley. I am not. Thank God. Allegedly.
Allegedly. Up in the air right now. Listen. I do your research.
We're nearly at the village. That's gone. I don't want you to mess things up by mixing up a metaphor or just miss speaking. Just be on our best behaviour.
We've got a big people. We don't even know there's people here. No. You've got a village.
We've got. Are you going to build what you've built for your village? Could you have built that village? Could have been God.
That's a massive leap of logic. Could have been ... Ever strange force, religiousizing vortex into the Minch major world is going to call it. This apparently has a sign saying Mindjeville.
Right. Is that really the village of Underreal? That's really what it's called. That's what it's called.
The village of Middville. That's what we're going with. Got it said. You'll go to village of that beautiful...
In about us. This is God full of ... So I'm going to enter with a plum. I'm in Minjville.
I'm in Minjville. I've pierced Minjville and I'm inside Minjville. And it's lovely and warm in Minjville. Well, it's like an ye oldie village now, isn't it?
It's like we've walked into like Hobbitville. Yeah, it's like Lego Land. It's like no, because they're completely different things. In terms of what I'm talking about.
It's like a big logic and the other one is more pastoral. Okay, so what's the name? It's not Lego Landy. I want you to say it's not like Lego Land.
It's not like Lego Land, apart from the buildings. No, because they're all lovely as well. Not made out of Lego. Nothing here at the end.
No, I haven't. Have you ever been to any magical place? I went to Elton Towers. How magical was that?
And what was that one in Norfolk called? Thought Park. Right, yeah. But their theme parks are not magical realms.
They are magical realms to me. I have been to many magical realms in my life. I know when I see one, but this is more Hobbitville than Lego Land. You corporate fucking sh-t-ter.
Alright, okay. Well, listen, if Lego Batman answers the door, I mean knock on it now, which is the next thing that's going to happen in this. Yeah. You'll be fucking sorry, wait a minute.
Alright, well then I'll go. That house over there looks like the boss man's house, doesn't it? A boss man's house. Yeah.
Like, you mean it's a big house and it looks like the biggest in the area. It's a big house and it looks like the big house privilege. It must be. It looks very fancy.
Like on a poor person. A big house like that. I put Paul, stop trying to chew horn weed. This is going to be the most political episode of Cheek Show You'll Ever Here.
In amongst fantasy whimsy. Oh, okay. So, let's go over to the house. That appears to be, because I'm just trying to paint a picture.
We're working in the arrow medium. Yeah. Oh. How old medium?
What did you say? Arrow. That was a magic owl. Oh, that's good.
It's a giant magic owl. We think about that owl. It's eyes are tentacles. That is very Lovecraftian.
We're in a magical realm. We're up is down. Left is right. Who knows?
I don't know. It's up is down. Oh, in Minjville. Let's try the lovely little place.
Well, do you know what Paul? It's my next song for the musical Christmas special. We're going into Minjville. I'll wear the smile upon my face.
There's a big house over there. Let's back on the door. Holy, holy, holy, holy. Mocking.
One, two, three, four. That's my good song. Oh, mate. All right.
Let's go knock on the door though. Okay, let's see. Because I need to get out of here. Yeah.
Just knock on the door. No one's in. And that was the end of the show, Christmas special. That was the end of the show.
I didn't really know. Someone's coming. I think I can hear. Hello.
Ah. You two are here. Oh, no, it's in. I'm Tim.
I am the big boss man of this whole village. Oh, the village of Minjville. This is lovely little place. It's a first-seating place.
I'm Paul. And this is my friend and lover Eli. Hello. Hello there to both of you.
He did not. Lovely. I might have a chance. Sorry.
I'm standing here. I'm going to be doing a thing. And Paul, you're being completely disruptive for something you fucking thought of. Anyway.
Yes, I am Tim. People know me by many names. I am Mr. Novelty.
Novelty Cat. Man. I'm also known as the Keeper of the Keys of Return. That's interesting.
Keeper of the Keys of Return. I'm not just talking about this universe. It's very blunt with metaphors. It's very blunt.
And if you want to venture back to the real world through the Minj Portal. Which we do. Don't we, Eli? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we do. How did you drop your voice? Because I'm trying to differentiate. But if you're an actor, you can do that.
Paul's in this part. Well, he's a proper character. So I'll be like, I should be like this now. Oh, right, Paul?
Yeah. I'm going to be like this. Oh, God. And Tim, the keymaster.
Yeah. You was, you was, you was, you was, you was, you was, you was. Yes, I was. Yes, I was.
And so you, yes, lovely little thing. So you've got a, you've got a little bit of a mission in front of you boys. If you want to get back. Now, please do come in and I'll explain what's going to happen with the rest of this fucking episode.
Okay. You mean the adventure? Adventure. Yes.
Now, you can see from my shelves, how many keys we're going to have to get before we get out of this one? You will have to get three keys. Good. That's all right.
It's a nice simple number. Rule of three, I like it. Three keys and one of those little men with a big erection and the barrel comes over them. What the fuck are you talking about?
At this point, I'd like to break character and talk to Eli. Eli, yeah. I'm here. What's going on?
What I'm here? So yeah, he just says, I think what he means, Paul, is that we need to find three keys and also one of those little novelty men with a nice plate for this scene, the new plate. What are you fucking saying? What?
Oh, fuck it out. Oh, you're a fucking loser. Ow. Ow.
Okay, Paul. So, yes, well done, Eli. Yes. Thank you.
Fuck my life. Okay. Are we done now? Yeah, I think Eli's had his part.
Now, some of the three keys. Yeah. Yeah, three keys that you must obtain. Okay.
The first you should obtain for me. I'm going to get some novelty. Look, over there, there are some Pac-Man, something changed, something pebble. That is fascinating.
And see also, there's a completely outdated red apple post-it note dispenser. It's like the show, Brickerbrack, but with magical items in here. You are the Brian Cant of this village. I am.
I am a cunt. Ladies and gentlemen, I try to avoid that joke. I thought it would be left on the set. And for those of you who are in the UK, you're in the 70s and 80s.