I did a big poo and I stomped out sounds. Uhh, I have. Wasn't that bad? It wasn't pleasant though.
I was smelt worse. You have, mate, from you. Well, what's that theory that you got to sniff your own shit? Because it helps with stuff.
I've never heard of the theory of what, what, for a health thing. Have you ever taken shit and it's like, and you thought, ah, that's, I'm, I'm finding that on pleasant. That's not mine. Yeah.
I'm not done that one. Yeah, I'm in. Yeah, I've done that. That one just now.
Dinting like my brand. We're not going to keep this as the beginning of this episode. No, I feel. Can I just do the intro, please?
Like we used to do. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm doing the intro then. Jesus, wept.
Oh, hello, hello. So, don't make a fucking face at me. Oh, hello, no, oh, that sucks. Like, yeah, it's not Christmas and you're not Santa.
I'm not, that was Santa. Santa, what's it saying, oh, oh, oh. Oh, you've changed it. No, it's, I said, oh, oh.
You're the off brand Santa. Oh, oh, oh, it's Christmas. It's not Christmas. Yes, hello.
It's Eli Silverman. It's time for Cheap Show again, coming to you straight from the Cambridge Heights. It's, it's, it's Sea Town. It's K-Bo.
It's Cambridge. And it's Cheap Show. Have I said that? Oh, and that was only a crowd.
Because you're not shit. But you do it. No, no, you do it. But maybe, I don't think about the words you use.
Okay. And then, take a, take a beat. And then deliver your goodness. Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
It's time again for Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman and Paul Gannam is here. We are broadcasting for the first time ever from Cambridge. That's not true.
For the second or third time ever. Third time ever. For the third time ever from Cambridge. K-Bo City, Sea Town.
Some people call it K-Bo. It's not fucking causing K-Bo. Ever. I'm going to call it K-Bo.
And hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hey, you and your fucking mood with Pussy. People love mood.
What a factor, Cheap Show. Look at that. I'm from the set. I'm from the set.
I'm from the middle. Tells me to tell us what. We're getting the same. Hello.
Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going on. No, no, no, no.
So, oh, it's Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. Are you excited that I am to be doing Cheap Show? I am quite excited, Paul. This is nice.
It's a nice little set up we've got here. Got a little set up here. We're not in the house of biggles this time. I invited you down to Kain Bro.
Yes, mate. To Kain Bro. People in the know call it Kain Bro. That we should use that.
People in the know call it Kain Bro. Yes, T-shirts, my friend. You're monetizing everything now, Paul. You've got insane.
I'm not going to say I thought we were going to work on T-shirts. Could we get T-shirts? It says, I took a shit. Well, something like that.
Yeah, we could do a T-shirt. That says that. I don't know how many people would want to work on a T-shirt. That says, I've done a shit.
I've gone down shit. OK. OK. Yeah, I've got an Apple Badgers in the works.
And I think we're going to roll that round by March. Well, good to me. We're talking about and I'll do everything. And because I have a high-stress life.
Sometimes I think I have to do things as quickly as I'd like. So I'm going to apply guys right now for the late delays on certain cheap show promises. OK. And certain cheap show.
Oh, dada poo. He did do a poo poo. It's actually starting to seep through. I know, because the doors aren't sealed.
I thought it was fine. I was happy with it. But now I'm not. Now there's a distinct subtext of shit here.
There is. It's got a slight... I'm also, because you brought in the sausage putty from the greasy spoon kebab shop around the corner. That onion, the HP smell is seeped into the shit smell.
Yeah. And it's make things really kind of accurate. It's not a great combo in here. It's not a great combo.
So, I was talking about sausage sandwich. Yeah. Well, I asked for a sausage sandwich and a bacon roll and sausage roll. Yeah.
He said, I only have sausage. I said, yes, I'll get a sausage roll. Yeah. Actually make it a sandwich.
Right. He made two. Well, can I only be described as sausage burgers, things? Which is for all the onion in.
And HP sauce. My guts. They weren't too bad. They weren't too bad.
And he was a friendly man. He was a very friendly man. It was more of a kebab shop than it. It's a kebab shop that does full English.
It does bespoke meals for the man on the street. Yes. So, we aren't in the house of pickles. We are in the place where I am right now.
I don't have to call this place. If you call it something, what should we call it? HP shit. I was talking about it.
Well, we did the HP shit out. OK. I mean, it's only a little flat, but my ass. Yes.
As befouled. It really has. Anyway. So, we had a little walk around the charry shop because you did not have the chance to do that.
We certainly did. I'm in the famous Mill Road. I came to Cambridge today on the train, everybody. And my experience of Cambridge didn't start well.
Did not start well because I thought, oh, I need a coffee. Oh, here we go. I need a coffee. So, I got off the train at Cambridge.
I went to the AMC. AMC? AMC. AMC is a cinema brand.
Forgive me. And AMC, which is a coffee in the poor chain. But they tend to only be in stations. If you know, it's they tend to be station based.
I have no idea. I've actually seen one just on the high street. No. I don't think I've been there.
I think they are coffee chains that specialise in ripping you off in train station. But famously, they do very strong espresso. Like you get a quadruple espresso. They're famous for yes.
Very strong. It's very high roast. So that's what I'm into. Yeah.
High caffeine. I want a fucking jolt. Yeah. I need a jolt.
Yeah. So I've got a flat. Whoa! Shh.
Shh. Shh. I've got that kind of jolt. I've got a flat white.
Yeah. OK. For people who don't know what flat white is, it's like a latte. But less milky.
That's the whole point. Is that all it is? Just less milk. Yes.
There's a slight, the ratio is slightly higher coffee to milk than a latte. OK. And even slightly stronger than a cappuccino, which is the most milky. OK?
Simple enough. She gave me. What can only be described as a fucking huge flag un of tepid milk that had fucking been shown a bean, once it's sheltered. And then I never thought about coffee ever again.
It was flat, flappy. Flip, flap, flappy. Flip, flap, flappy. It was tepid milk.
Yeah. And I wanted to return it and give us what for. So it makes me angry when people don't know. The simple categories of espresso style coffee.
Yes. I'm aware of your beef. You made it very apparent because the first thing you made was the first thing you made. The station was not, all right, all right.
All right. All right. Yeah. Fucking coffee.
It was really bad. So that was a bad experience part. But my irritation was solved. By the quality of Chatter Shops up round where you live.
Now, there are a few we went to. We went to the Salvation Army. Lovely choices there. What do you think the Salvation Army, what do you think that store was originally?
Like a butcher's made? No, a supermarket store. Used to muster being some kind of furniture shop or... It's definitely like the 1960s build, isn't it?
It's got that terrible sort of formica. You know the sitcom? Are you being served? Yes.
Imagine like a small version of that on the high street in Cambridge. Like a little tiny department store. It could be a corner clothing and a little corner clothing. Possible.
The little corner plates. Possible. Clothing. Now it's a Salvation Army charity shop.
Yeah. So you get out in Florida. Just in terms of the whole layout, the kind of massive store that they've just sort of put on a brand. Isn't it?
Yes. So we have... Big and airy. Big and airy.
And you don't get people kind of trying to get past you because there's a lot of Sherry shops. It's a fucking nightmare. There's some fucking granny standing in the door. Won't move with a grandchild who's annoying little shit.
And I'm just literally... I was in a charity shop the other day. Upper Palmer's Green. I wanted to purchase a record for 50p.
Some pair of old ladies talking about the fucking VAT. And they're like, oh I don't want to pay that. They shouldn't tell you. The VAT isn't.
It's like no. That's who's trying to sign the VAT. Cos the VAT is itemised on the receipt. She somehow went...
She got the wrong end of the stick and thought she'd been charged VAT that she wasn't aware of when she decided to purchase the IT. And you're about Brexit to get this. And they literally... Oh, they had a fucking 15 minute conversation.
I'm standing there looking at the woman thinking, can you not just fucking let me buy this record? Why? No one. Fuck me.
Although that was tempered by the conversation we overheard in the Romsy charity shop on Mill Road. The one I love, the one that's literally... It's a good one. It's good where I picked up some nice items there.
You did. I bought a Go-Sposters 2016 reboot novelisation for kids there. Ooh. Oh, I'll be using that.
Will you? Probably. Obviously, why do you know what happens? Do you think they'll make it good?
Oh, I'll never read a book again because I know what happens. They made a film out of it. That's what I tend to do. So what?
You would never read Jaws. Because you've seen the film. I wouldn't want to read Jaws because it's shit. It's not the great book.
It's like The Godfather. It's one of those 70s novels that were adapted to films. Yeah. And the film is classics.
And the novels... Ain't No Classics, lady. I know The Godfather of the book is a huge fucking joke. Yes, but it's pure airport.
It's Dan Brown. It's the Dan Brown of its day. And he's worried sex scenes and bullshit. That just makes it easy to read, basically.
Especially he makes you feel sophisticated. You have 15. He's like, I read a whole novel. Yeah, because I remember in Jaws reading that and going, boy, she doesn't have an affair with Richard Dreyfus' character.
He dies in the book version. Oh, he does, doesn't he? Yeah, because he goes down to try and kill Jaws towards the end. Then he doesn't come back up and later on he sees Bobby.
But in the film, he famously resurfaces. Doesn't he later? Do you love his own? Let's swim home.
That's brilliant. After the end of the film, he resurfaces. Yeah. I love that.
Do you know what Richard Dreyfus did? Do you? Well, I love his own. He's in the beginning of Piranha playing, basically his character from Jaws, but not really.
And he's in a boat fishing. And the Piranha swarmed him and devoured his boat. OK. There you go.
He actually dies in that. Yeah, but it's a cameo. It's a jokey cameo. It's all his.
Jokey cameo. Anyway, so Jaws, but you've read Jaws the novel. Yeah, it's not very good. It's a pop oiler.
It's very pulpy. Yeah, very pulpy. And so, with Godfather. Yeah.
Yeah. So I'm in that charity shop. I bought that book. But we were just mining our business.
And there's a little conversation going on at the counter with the guy there trying to sell them a back massage. But that's not really what the conversation was about, ladies and gentlemen. It was two women and the guy behind the counter again. Oh, I would better what I'd use that for.
Yeah. Oh, it's got a very strong vibration to it. What could I use that for? On your ring called for China.
Yeah, even I was thinking, just someone say, stick it up your pussy. Just, just, just, you know. Oh, look, you sit on it, do you? Oh, I want to say yes.
Express yourself sexually, love. Fucking do it. Go on. Grind your old flip-flaps on that.
And then she was like, oh, I hope it's clean. And then the other one where you always watch it in bleach. Is that what you're doing? You're doing a deal, don't you?
Yeah. Yes. Very charity shopping. Very charity shopping.
They were moaning about working for the British Heart Foundation. Yeah. He said, she said, clearly, above shop management, they're in absolute disgrace. So I don't know if that's true, but that's just something I heard.
You just don't know. It's all rumors. Chas a shop, Goss. Could be a new section.
Have you heard Chas a shop, Gossip? Yes. I think that should be. Things be over here, people say, charity shop.
Yeah. We've got brand new section. Bang it. We make TV.
We make TV. We make TV. We're so good. It's so good.
Yeah. That's so good. That's what you get. That was the thing you're trying to steal.
Yeah. Right. So talking of vaginas, is this the section? No, this is not the section.
This is the normal episode. This is the normal episode. OK. Before we get into it.
Oh, God. For you and I, get all sexy. So what's this episode got then, Paul? Well, coming up on the show real soon, you've got some tables on the shop floor.
Ooh. We've got Eli's top three. Haven't thought about that. Well, yeah.
Right. We have a cheap pizza section. And this time we're going to try some cheap boozers. Famous cheap boozers.
Cheap boozers. And then in our board game reception today, very excited. I found them at Charity Shop. Bogging hunt.
The board game. Oh, my word. And true to form, it was cheap as chips. It was cheap as chips.
It was like, I think it was £2 for this. I can see it's too big box. I've had a little play with it. And then what about the board game?
Ew! Boob boob! Don't go boom boom. Well, the buzzer brushes isn't using it.
I'm going to use it. We've spoken about it. We did. We've spoken about it being a cracker.
I don't know. I don't. It's online somewhere. All that.
We have to find it. We'll get into it another day. So that's got to coming up on the show today. I'm so excited.
I just can't hide it. It's now time for Tails from the Shop floor. OK, so this is the section, everybody. We're our fans and listeners, our fans and all listeners, and our haters that listen.
And all haters and all fans. Or internet bots or internet boffins. They write in with their tails from thrift stores and charity shops. Yes.
And we see there's anything good there. Yes. Sorry, I was quite down on the last ones. And I got a response from...
Oh, yeah, Mr. Chris said I'm sorry that my... You said him? You said I'm...
He said I'm just saying. He was said... I'm sorry that my... Sorry, was shit.
Well, well, is it Chris? Is it Chris? Yes, I think you should be. Chris, you should be.
We don't... We don't... We don't... We don't not pay you anything to provide content for this.
We're to be... You know, but he is also a patron. OK. That's a substantial...
Maybe you should... You should... You should... You should...
I'm going to get my old ideas. Yes. You should apologize to... I'll give myself a wedgie.
Yes. No. You look like one of the minor members of Michael mechanics. Hehehehehehehe.
Aren't you the wittiest man in the whole fucking world? You look like a people. I... Oh, you're funny!
Oh, he's rubbing his belly. I... I've been on the comment section. Yeah.
On YouTube. And... Oh, doesn't Paul now look like the kind of uncle who makes us awkward suggestions to you when you suddenly turn 18? Oh, man.
He's dirty, isn't he? How many comments? Ooh, look, like Ron Jeremy. Ooh, look, like Ron Jeremy.
Ooh, look, look, like Ron Jeremy. I'm gonna fucking... I'm gonna fucking bring in a picture of fucking Ron Jeremy. Oh, yeah?
I'm gonna show them. How much I don't look like fucking Ron Jeremy? Oh, like, well, have a... Also, Ron Jeremy, for the millionth time, could suck his own Johnson.
During the 70s. Imagine... I think we talked about that, haven't we? Imagine that.
You call him the Hedgehog? Because he kills all the people who are born. Yeah. And he's very...
I wouldn't call him the Hedgehog. We call him Dick Sucker, offer. The big dick man. That's why we don't get to name things on this show, because of all Paul.
Okay, Paul, so... So, tell me shop floor. Two tells me shop floor today. The first one is from a lovely lady called Chloe Gretton.
Thank you for writing in. She wrote a few stories, but I want to bank them. So here's just the one for now. She goes, so I work in Burger King, because the motto there is, have it your way.
You have it your way. I just don't go Burger King. Burger is too small, price to expensive. That's my opinion.
If you were going to buy, let's say, from any shop, a burger, and included in the standard version of that burger, was a slice of butter. I don't mind tomatoes and burgers. You don't like them in sandwiches. Burgers are a bit more robust.
I can absorb it. It's not a thick slice of cold tomato. You know what I mean? It's like half a tomato.
Yeah, it's disgusting. Thin slice of ice. I don't want to sell in the burger. I don't want to hold a tomato in the burger.
All right. It's good. I'm glad we cleared that up. Pickle.
Oh, yeah. You've got a bit of pickle here. Mate. Oh, god.
I've pickles. Yeah. We all fuck really. That's news.
Does he like pickles? Does he? What if this is a revelation? Someone suggested, by the way, what to make my own chutney?
I do. Not that kind of chutney. Me, I do. It's a pickle shot glass.
We take a pickle and you chop the ends off. So it's like a shaft. And you scoop out all the middle of the pickle, and you fill it with a booz of your choice. And then the top and bottom of the pickle that you chopped off, you stick on the side with cocktail sticks.
So now it looks like balls on the cock. Right? And then you dip the tip in, like, I don't know, some salt. Fill it with the booz of your choice.
And you go, oh, it's like a cock. And you drink booze out of the pickle cock. Yeah. That's all right.
That'd be all right. I'd rather drink. I'd rather drink it and not make things like a cock before I put them in my mouth. Yeah, again.
I've got nothing against you. I'm having a cock in my mouth. I'd probably quite enjoy it, given the... Next episode.
Yeah. But what I'm saying is, I don't want to go for the rigmarole. Hollowing out a pickle. To make it look like a cock.
Just to fill it with fucking what? Dram-booey. Dram-booey. Fucking Malibu.
Yeah. Arches. Leep-raumilch. Malibu.
Friend of mine. Taboo. Mirage. All those ladies.
All those ladies drink. All those ladies drink. Disgusting ladies drinks. But I actually like it.
You love it because you love a sweet thing. I do love a sweet thing. Malibu. I love you.
Malibu can be nice, I guess. All right. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
You got that. Friend of mine's sister. Yeah. Is launching a booze product worldwide.
Oh. And it's a light she flavoured liqueur. Oh. That'd be very sweet though.
It was very sweet. Disgusting. I find Lagey too sweet. Anyway, good luck to her.
I'm not going to mention any names. But I had some by itself me. Cool. Was it strong?
Yeah. And also horrible, sort of floral almost. Well, I actually do. I mean, I just want to talk to him whenever at that time.
And we drank that bar dry off tequila. So the best they could offer us was rose flavoured vodka. And we tried it. And we were all horribly ill.
Did we drink a bar dry off tequila? Yeah. Because we were going to the... Kept getting tequila, didn't we?
After every show. We got a lot of tequila. And then we went in one day. Well, no, no, no.
You've had all of tequila. I'm facking tequila left. You're going to wait for the tequila shipment. Yeah, in the Arctic or something.
Go, here's a bit of clue to you. Yeah. Barman. Have more tequila.
Have more tequila. Bar's some tequila. What is a fucking test go? Supply and demand.
No, me. Supply and demand. Perhaps two days before, I think, oh, they seem to be getting tequila. Oh, yeah.
Those pissheads. Why don't I get some more horizontal pissheads from that shit sketch show? Right. They didn't know what we were.
No, they didn't know. They don't go see shows. No, they don't. They allowed it with all the fucking anti-types you turn up once.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought that show went really well. No, you mustn't blame yourself. Oh, I've got a big.
Sorry. I had a four star review, but it read more like a five. Oh, I hate people. Right.
So anyway, Chloe's letter. She says, because the motto is have it your way, they sometimes get weird burger requests. Oh, yeah. Right.
So I can't really describe it to you. So I've attached a picture of the burger, although I will say that there was a bacon on every patty and it took two wraps to wrap it all in. And then it was only half wrapped. I'll show you the picture right now.
It's a huge burger. I'll show you it. Now I'll put it on the website. Obviously, go to the cheap shot.
I'll go to the UK. There'll be a picture of this. But that was the burger. That was ordered.
Wow. It's just bread. Burger bacon, burger bacon, burger bacon, burger bacon, burger bacon. It's about at least five, six patties, I can see there.
Six patties, though. Oh, that's disgusting, man. It's just it's unneeded. Just get two separate ones and throw the bread away on it.
You know, why'd you put people through that? Yeah. Apparently the guy ordered this thing before. Because I was new.
I was amazed. Right to Chloe. Wow. I'd be amazed.
But what's you have to do it. I didn't know that was that to that level. How do you even charge something like that? Well, I imagine there must be some kind of rate-patty ratio.
There they go. There they go. They do one. One extra point.
Your voice. Because if my voice is dominating the world. I even asked that to do my voice point. I'll do it in this voice.
That's how we think I'm in. You're all doing regular fire, I swear. No, three pounds and 75 pounds. So I'll come in.
Also, hello. And then I will like. You can't both do that voice. I like that voice.
I like that voice. I like that voice. I'll come in. Yes.
And I will like. Yes. A burger. Oh, yes.
Yes. Oh, I would like eight patties with value and change on every level. Sorry. What was I saying to me?
If you'd like bread. Back to back, back, back, back, back back, back, back, back again, back back back, back. All right. Thank you for fucking that.
Oh, good shout out to out. I will not be losing emotion. I'm going to throw it right. Anyway, she has a to say was probably the complete opposite.
Somebody asked for a whopper, but without the meat patterns. They just ask for a lattice in a box, with all the bits of a ASSO. Mayo tomato pickles onions graphs without a meat that's very strange. It was basically was you thought you're a salad variant box.
So weird, no, no. No"… Paties. Any way. No.
in a lettuce sandwich. Who goes to a burger place and goes, uh, no burger please on that? Yes. I'm stressed quite strongly.
That's all I have. Meat, soul to me in your meat and pork. It's fast to go to your veggie chef and have you gluten free shit there mate. Hey, can I go on a little bit of a ransom?
Yeah. I'm not against veganism. I used to be a vegetarian myself for a while. Okay.
But I'm out of there vegan now. Yes. I'm very molistic. Hmm, by the way, have you seen my leather shoes?
Or they go, have you got an Uber? You think, don't give me a fucking moral high horse and then use a company that is... Oh, it's classically poor. Yeah.