Today's episode of Cheap Show is proudly sponsored by McDonald's Fast Food Rescue. It is, it is McDonald's Rescue. What do you mean it's not working? You can't have a real corporate entity.
There's all sorts of issues with that. Really? All right. Today's episode of Cheap Show is proudly sponsored by the good team of Billy Bob's Knackers Yacht.
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No, when you try, you're not. That's your try less. You give me a company and I'll advertise it. Think of a company name and I'll advertise it.
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Is that funny? Is that funny? Is that good? I giggled.
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All right. Happy? No. All right.
I mean, not just unhappy with this situation. In my life, I'm quite unhappy with that. Good. That's what we want.
That's the version of Eli. We need for this show to be successful. The sad, desperate, lonely, fecky, lance, bored, angry, impotent anger of Eli J. Silverman.
We need this. And with that in mind, channel it into the intro. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time again for your oral pleasure dome to be infiltrated with me, Eli Silverman. I'm not just a co-host.
I'm the main host of Cheap Show. No, you're not. You're a host of Cheap Show at best. You're part host.
Host number one, Eli Silverman introducing you to Cheap Show. It's the show. It's the comedy content. You're not funny.
You're not funny. You're not funny. But you're not funny. But you're not funny.
Anyway, I'm going to show you now. But she's good. And comedy, a colony. I've so great in my brain because if we already get to it, I'm down for.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Eli Silverman here, the good one. And it's Cheap Show time again. Now.
Oh, yeah. Uh, time for Cheap Show. Here's Paul Ganothyship. I'm not funny.
I've got to play this. I'll be quick. I have to play it out. I do.
You can hear it. Vagina. Let's get in there. Here we go.
Then we can start the show. It's time for time. Time. Time.
Time. Time. Time for the show. Cool.
Cheap Show. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. Boom.
Hey, you and your fucking mood will toss you. Paul, that has to be one of the worst intros of all time. I think it is. Should we just start again?
Let's just start again. Keep it all in its gold. Come on. If you can do a really good intro now, we'll keep you as that.
Ladies and gentlemen, hello, Eli Silverman here. And I am hosting another episode of Cheap Show. And here's a little clue of what's coming up on the show, everybody. Yes.
Is that familiar sound of the Countdown signer? Here's Paul Ganon. Everyone, he'll say something now. I'm Paul Ganon.
I'm about to introduce Cheap Show to the sound of the Countdown clock, which will be featured in the show at a later date. Um, and a later date or on this date. It's 30 seconds really long. It's quite hard when you have to fill the whole thing.
It's really hard. Let's start the show now. It's Cheap Show. Cheap.
Cheap. Cheap. True. Perhaps even worse or worse.
Hello, welcome to each of my name is Paul Ganon and that is the Ice Hill. It's the Economy Comedy Podcast for your ears. We, in every episode, go to the bargain bins that charity shops at the Poundlands are great Britain. Now we bring back a treasure true of awful or awesome things and we give you our valid opinion and it is valid.
It is a very valid, we are the premier podcast in the world that talks about 50 items and bargains and living on the cheap on Cleek for cheap. We are on Fleek for cheap. Yo, here's the in the house. Diggy dog.
That is me, Daddy Cool coming at ya, Cleopatra. So what have we got coming up on the show today, Eli? I haven't got the piece of paper which has that. I told you a number of times today and yesterday and in an email.
So I thought you might remember what's in this. Have a guess. Have a guess. What you think the first time is?
And every time you get it wrong, I slap your bear on. We're going to start the show today, Paul. We have Tales from the Shop floor. You are correct.
Now, this is the section where you, the listener, send in amusing anecdotes, very amusing anecdotes about your experiences working in or even visiting poo shops. Mostly poo though we've had so far. Is there any poo coming up today? There might be a bit of poo.
Okay, just to the record. I'm prepared for that. You're prepared for poo. Well, that's a T-shirt.
I'm prepared for poo. I think that would be a good sort of general warning for our podcast. I'm not good for warning really. So what is the second item coming up?
The second item today is... Oh, he's looking around the room for clues, ladies and gentlemen. He's panicked this is not. Me, Casa Su Casa?
You're wrong. Ah, really not. So, I'm feeling alive now. Oh, good.
Sting is going up my arm. Oh, the people are going further Mr. Gannon in the sack. What is it?
What is it? It's not me, Casa Su Casa. No, that's another episode. So, have a little think.
What maybe is it a segment of the show we've introduced that? We're looking forward to doing again. This will only be the second time we're doing this. I believe so, yes.
I'm out. I'm out of the last. I'm sorry. You're up pass?
Yes. Also, Counters of Smack. No, no, no, yes. It's not...
Oh, I've only got your pass straight. Oh, I like to... Oh, don't get that. What is it, Enpol?
It is League of Snacks. Ah, League of Snacks. And then what are we ending today's show with? We like to play games here, on the cheap show, Paul.
And today we're going for an absolute stonking classic of British television, game show, TV show, culture. Absolutely. It is Countdown. It is Countdown.
It is one of the donns of the game show world in the UK. It really has a... There are a few classics, aren't there? We can talk about Bullseye.
Are you going to say that? I know, but we've got R.I.P. Jim Bowen. Yes, not so much R.I.P.
Eric Bristope. Just for the record, really. Ah, he's acting that. It's all the end of his life.
He says some horrible hateful things that I don't agree with. Racism. A little bit, yeah. Antsexist, you know, just general...
general net horror-ableness. So the toxic masking in his head. No, no, no. And then you've got your teleaddicts or your blockbusters.
You know, blockbusters. I don't think teleaddicts are really a big deal. Well, it was a big deal, but I mean, not maybe as big a deal as the blockbusters. I think in terms of the most famous British specifically, Generation Game?
Very British. Yeah. That's a very much a game. We should do something like the Generation Game at one point, shouldn't we?
We could definitely do something with the conveyor belt. Of course. Formulating thoughts. We haven't had the TD Game show board games special in a while.
Let's do the Generation Game on that. We'll try and make that work. We'll have to put the rules on. I don't believe there was ever a Generation Game board game, was it?
I bet there was. I'm actually keen to know, because if I could get that, with the Patreon money potentially, thank you Patreon people for giving us money. That helped us make this show. It literally helped us make this show.
It really does. Ball is being very sort of coy, but we are on a whole new technical setup here in the House of Pickles. Second episode we've done is working out very well. We've got Pop Shields, got a little mite stand there, a new Zoom recorder.
We've got a very nice L. There was a Generation Game board game. 1975. That would be an antique, which will probably be outside of the fiscal balance of what we are.
This one on Amazon. Shall I have a look? Yeah. Bruce Forsyth, Generation Game, vintage.
Oh, currently unavailable. But by then he's, I don't, then he's, then he's Fisher, which is the company I've never heard of before. So they might be one of, the picture making look interesting, it's got that kind of, I don't know, it's all, it's all, look at that. Looks like a really good board game.
It's like an excellent board game. It's got a clock on it. Okay. Well, look, we'll just put the feelings out so you can get hold of that.
Maybe it might be quite a while before we do. Some balls and a couple of tricks maybe you have to perform now, but there are a lot of, I really want this fucking board game. It looks good. I have to say.
It looks like marvellous. So there are a lot of game shows that came across from the States though, like Black and Black. Yeah, we'll just match game. Was there a version?
Yeah. And the price is right. And we'll fortune the game. Yes.
In fact, and these days, game shows are huge international conglomerate things, aren't they? They have versions in almost every country of like the popular formats these days, don't they? I saw it on Twitter, sent me a picture of board games, this was all in a charity shop. That would look at my hands on.
What is, are you being served the board game? How the fuck does that even work? Roll the six and make a pussy joke. My pussy was shopping wet this morning.
You know, or they also have the dads on the board game, which I can kind of see how that might work. Yeah. Kind of see. What a board game based on sitcoms, very strange.
There's only falls on horses board game. I don't see how those work. Yes. You just fucking shoot dark and piggy.
You were here looking at me. You were too busy like you cigarette. Listen. Yeah.
Okay. We were very laid back on this. I'm just trying a different thing for this week's episode. Yeah.
You're just going to be laid back chili live. Just going to be like my normal charming self. Yeah. And I think you should pull.
Okay. You should die it down. Let's just have a mellow time. Okay.
Well, yeah. All right. I like that. So coming up first is a tells me the shop floor.
Yeah. See if you can spot at the beginning of the story, the one involved scat because fingers crossed, we'll have a little bit of scat action. There'll be a fragment of scat action. All coming up on the show today.
Here we go. Take it away. Okay. So this is a segment that has become a bit of a favorite of mine, Paul.
It tells from the shop floor. This is where our darling dearest listeners, cheap shakes they call themselves. They're the cheapskate army. And they have sent in stories that have happened to them.
And we give them a little bit of a telling. Yes, we tell them. And I do a bit of a crit. You do a bit of a crit.
A telling a crit. Shower, shitting a crit. Yes. Here we go.
So let's get straight into it. No more bands as preamble nonsense. Right into the meeting gods. Hit me with it by the will.
This one comes from a chap called Sam Bevan. Hello, Sam. Hello, cheap joke pals. Oh, I'm going to be a little bling.
He says pals. My name is Sam. Wasn't that a dog food, pal? Yes.
And shum. Yes. Was they one called friend? No.
Well, I don't know. I don't know. They're muddy. They might have been in America.
There's like, my buddy for your dog. You got to have home jelly goodness. You got to have buddy. Thanks for having me.
My name is Sam. I'm a big fan of the show. I have just a selection of mini tales for you about when I worked in Greg's. Oh, Ganon likes Greg's.
Ganon likes Greg's. Michael, if we want to know how to treat myself to a two pound 25 meal breakfast deal, we get a latte and you get a bacon or sausage back or maybe both if you're feeling crazy. Now I was brought up in London. And of course, I prefer Pret.
Of course, you fucking do you wretched turd. Oh, just trying to be honest, Paul. Anyway, you're scum. So you say you're eating what you think, Greg's.
As most people do with their first job, they'll get a job in a Greg's or a Macke D's or BBK's. I worked in Macke D's. Yeah, two weeks. Yeah.
It was fun. The guy said it was just finished my GCSEs. Yeah. And the manager sat me down at the end of the interview and said, you're overqualified.
Oh, that's the only time in your life you've ever heard that. I know. That's probably my honest point. Someone said you're too good for this moment in time.
Well, he said I was overqualified. I didn't say too good. Well, same difference. Okay.
So, firstly, I had a supervisor who told me as I was putting bread rolls into the little plastic bags to not put my hands inside the bag, as so not to get my spores in the bags. Oh, yeah. Who's spores? Now that's scientifically inaccurate because spores are fungi, mold, and mushrooms and things have spores.
That's how they, uh, inseminate the world around them. That's true. Yes. But plants and things will have seeds.
Oh, I think. Oh, sometimes spores. Yeah. Anyway, what he's referred to is germs.
Well, which is a thing, he's being ponzi, this supervisor, doesn't he? Don't get your spores in your eating rolls. Mr. Bevan should have taken a bit of time.
Actually, actually, I don't have spores because I'm not some kind of giant fucking walking mushroom. Never. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's very much like a tolled stool. Yeah.
Secondly, I would frequently get high with the manager and masturbate your in my breaks. Well, okay. Well, no, I want your supervisor side. Yeah.
Because now it's not a source. That is a little bit of your liquid smorgue. Yeah. You're chucking your spores.
Oh, your bread rolls. No, I do not want to eat your cum in my bread rolls. No, it does. No, well, some people might.
Some people might. I bet it's a pan, right? There's a friendly machine. No, there's not a sponky bun.
There's not a sponky bun. Super sponky bun. Cheapshows for watching my sponky bun vending machines. They've got to get school boys to sponky bun.
I only see this bat's made out of. Thank you. High five. Come on.
It's happening now. Get the juices. Here we go. Mate, don't wank at work.
Well, have you ever wanked at work? Oh, yeah. Well, what? In the toilet.
Well, I was not a year there. No, I wouldn't do that. That's the cool center. Well, I've never worked and got, oh, I really all need to bash one out.
Sometimes I don't know. People are different. But sometimes I get super horny. It's when I'm tired.
I mean, a lot of people get this when they hung over. And so that's like, you said before, you grant it. Yeah, you grant. It's a hangover horn.
Yes. And he said it's sometimes excuse. It's not an excuse. It's not an excuse for an action.
It's not at all. No, because you can make a decision one way or the other about your actions. It's responsible for you. You grant.
You can have a wank, isn't it? You said they're going to a prostitute. You buy a lovely sex toy. Yes.
Jam your meat in a lovely plastic bag. So there was one occasion recently where I was returning from the States and I'd to save money. I'd done two flights. I was going to Lagos.
Okay. Now fly from the Lagos. And I'd landed in Lagos like six in the morning. I'd decided to get pissed before I got on that flight.
Big mistake. And, you know, because your hangover comes on. And then I was in Lagos airport. And it was like five in the morning.
It was empty. And I was like, I have a stork on that is going to kill me. I'm so horny. It was overwhelming.
Yeah. Like I couldn't, I hadn't. And then I was raging. It was like an actual ache.
It was an eternal ache. Yeah, I've had them. Weird. But it's not because I've just met someone who turned me on.
And I think it just seems to be my physiological condition. I go for a habit. My 20s. I don't know why it doesn't happen anymore.
Well, if I had a really long yawn, I'd have an erection afterwards. Yeah, I go, that's weird. That could be a super hero. What?
That's my magic power. Hard on man. What I got to do with that? It's like Popeye.
He's like, oh, you know, put on some daytime TV to make myself bored. So I yawn. And then I go, that's completely, that's such a bad super talent to have. I'm on the way to some fire.
I'm not just watching the rain for five fucking minutes. Here we go. Oh, the rain kelly. Oh, me ache.
Oh, I'm ready to go. Oh, everyone's dead. And I couldn't do anything with my cock anyway. What a fire up with an erection.
He's got one very obvious way. Swinging around and making fun. That was what I was thinking. What were you thinking?
A spark load. Yeah. Spunkle put out of fire. It was a massive load.
And it was icy cold. We're talking about a superhero here. So it's coming back to the bunk. That every load that you give in, or give out, whatever you want to call it, is like over at one terabyte of information.
Ah, interesting. Well, the energy of the infinability sperm is something like 2.5 gigabytes of information. So a full load is like a couple of terabytes or something. Yes.
Yeah. If you wrote the code down, the DNA, it would be that much information on a hard drive. It would be information on a hard drive. But I could just generate that information just by just having a wank by just smacking a keyboard.
Yeah. Cool. That definition of information is this is what people get confused by. This is what the creationists say about DNA.
They say it's information encoded in the DNA. Yeah. But information in that, that's what you can pack. No, no, in that sense.
All the information is sort of difference in a sequence. Yeah. So for example, if I put 1111, yeah, and then next to that, I put 1121, the second series has more information in it. Yes.
But it's not has no meaning. It has no quantitative value. Exactly. Right.
Do you know what I'm getting at? Yeah. Now he also says he got high at work. Now I used to have a job in a health food shop.
The guys are real hippie. Yeah. So I want to apologize for this, basically. I used to steal huge amounts of his ricotta when I was packing it.
And he used to leave his dope in a tin at the back. Lovely hash. I mean, what am I going to do? I mean, you know, you could be like a human being, not still, I sold it.
You can't want to do out a little bit. No, you know, take a little bit and that you wouldn't maybe notice. Yeah. Little chips away.
No, they empty like, oh, I don't remember it. Yeah. Anyway, so secondly, okay, so he said the masturbation thing. Thirdly, I once got my knob out underneath my little apron and went about like that the whole day serving customers and that just for the sexual thrill.
I got fired from that job. Cheers guys. Keep up the good work. Well, he's left the most problematic aspect to last there quite cleverly.
He's a sex pest. Yeah. He's a man who wanks to his brakes. He puts bread in the back and spores all over him.
And they had his knob out behind his apron at Greg's. Yeah. Mate, I like Greg's. You've run Greg's.
You wouldn't want to have to think about someone having their bed knob out under their apron. I should have to think that. But no, no, I don't know. No, I never do that.
Thank you for that, Simon. Sorry. Mr. Bevin.
Mr Bevin. Well, out of 10. What would we rate that letter? I'm not rating.
I'm going to rate it. Six, five. Okay. This next one is from Patrick Devonshire.
Hello, Patrick. Quite the long one. So we're trying to do too many, are you telling me to shut up? No, I'm just saying we'll try and be a bit more focused on it because, you know, we'll try and read it properly.
Hello, my name is Zach and I've, wait, is that Patrick? Is that Patrick Devonshire? But this says, hello, my name is. Maybe he's known as Zach.
This one's from Zach. Zach, Zach, Rick. Patrick and Zach, Zach, Rick. That's what I've decided.
My name is Zach and I have a tail from the shop floor for you. It's not from a charity shop, but I think you'll enjoy. We can accept it. Shop floor is as general as it can sound.
We can have Poundland. What wouldn't work on television or shop floor if they were in Harrods? Yes, we're not in. Unless they've got a really good soybean.
That's Harrods. Yeah. You know, I had a shit in the cheese counter. I had a poo neck round the back of the crispy cream doughnut.
I flung my soggy shit at the statue of Lady Diana. Something classy like that. I used to work in a co-op. The rule for most shops in the UK is that on a Sunday you can't tell alcohol before a certain time.
This particular co-op was on a very, let's say low income estate. Fair enough. I also had to live in at the time. There were a lot of alcoholics who came in the opening 6am.
They were literally like back on the door to buy booze and they left very disappointed. This is about the tale of one man who didn't want to take no for an answer. I like the setup. You know what?
He got me in with a bit of preamble and there's like, but here's the narrative. Little sizzler. I like that. Take note, future people writing in.
Class it up. Right. The man was smelly. He reeked and vomit.
He had a very sad looking lady who was with him wherever he went. It's 8am on a lovely spring Sunday and I had five hours left on my shift. He's very good with his words. I like him.
He has quite literally painted quite a nice picture doesn't he? Yes. Very well done. Looking forward to having a nice drink in the sun later.
Yes. But this man wanted his drink. Now, the sun had just risen and I'm not shitting you. I could smell him coming down the aisle before I saw him.
He was wearing the classic outfit that was stained jumper, tracksuit bottoms and carrying four packs of Stella Artoir. Oh, two four packs of Stella Artoir. You need to get him going. Also known as wife beta in the UK.
Nice. Stella Artoir. Also named him a best America like the best at Die Hard words. He's a wife and I've perfectly called him Die Hard at the moment now.
I don't know why, but yeah, he wears what they call a wife be the best. Because it carries the association with a type of abuse. Ha ha ha. Let's crack on.
One thing. Yeah. I know I said I wouldn't distract. No, no, you can do this track.
But make it a Die Hard question. Yeah. Do does anyone say the words Die Hard in the Die Hard film? No, no, as far as I remember.
No one said well, he he died hard or you know, they don't want to die hard today. Yeah. I think it was Die Hard was like a last minute alterations to the title of the film, which was I don't know. I think it came quite late for doctrine.
I think it sounds like one of those sort of committee speak names that they just want to die on. It means nothing. It means he's the weapon meant the actual characters of the weapon. You know, but who is the legal weapon?
It was Die Hard. Do you want to climb? Well, does he tie hard? Because it comes from the old times for him to die.
No, it's hard to kill him. It's hard to kill him. Oh, how it's Die Hard. That's where it comes from.
That phrase. So maybe what they're saying is you can't be off beat and on holiday, you have to be a cop and say the day. Old habits. That's what I would stretch the imagination.
It's a bit of a stretch. It's a bit of a stretch. Let's return to the main purpose of the story. So anyway, he turns up with two full packs of Stella Ottawa.
He gets to the till and I told him to wait another two hours before he legally settled in the alcohol. He did not like that. What do you mean? He said, I need it.
I apologized to him politely reminded him of the law. He started by cursing the coalition who repowered at the time and then the queen and then co-op and then he turned on me. From what I could tell, he was going through the five stages of grief. He'd done with the Nile, then he'd do the anger and was now moving on to bargaining.
He leaned in as if telling me a secret and I'd promptly lean back at one because they might get attacked. And so because he really stopped. He offered me double the price for the beer. There was nothing I could do.
I'll call away. I'll call away. I'll call away. It's quite sad this man's obviously.
I'll call away. He's got a serious problem. Alcoholism is a serious problem. Eli.
Alcoholism is a serious problem. What are you trying to say? I'll call away. I'll call you double for a beer.
I'll call away. I'll call away. I'll call away. Listen, you don't have to be an alcoholic to be prepared at the end of the night to perhaps shut out a bit more for a beer.
You want to get your one? You want to get your one? You're a bit on a tear. I just need that one more cool cool beer.
Anyway, the story continues. The whole time his wife is going, welcome, please, not again. Let's go. We've got vodka at home.
Then he regressed into a child's type tantrum. It was almost like Eli's resolutions that don't get mad. Yeah. But with less shitting, yeah, thankfully, the man didn't weep.
I could see tears. He then collapsed to the floor and said he'd wait there until I could sell him the beer. Wow. Wow.
He was then promptly removed by our security guard. He'd have to. Yeah. He sat outside in the shop in the little park we had at the front and I caged me to check to see if he was there.
And his wife was for two hours with his poor lady friend trying to get him home. I mean, that's really what's coming out of this story is to poor woman needs to leave this world. But some people are just tied together. It's an addiction there.
They are. It's sad. 10 o'clock rolls around and he waddles back into the shop and buys his beer. And then he finds me in the aisles and triumphously waves a four-pack in my plate as if he wanted.
He sat in the park again and had two cans and they both went away. Hey, we drink. I didn't drink that day. I know I ever drunk again after that.
That's like, thank you for reading. Love the show. PS tried mama creamy shrimp. Tom Young.
It was lovely. Thanks. Eli's a good one. But there's a contention there because Mark Allen, who's a noodle reviews, you can see on our Reddit page, insists on grating his own solid block of cocoa of coconut.
Yeah, butter, I think. Yeah. Something into a plain Tom Young shrimp flavor. Yeah.
And he says that gives it the milkiness, the cream. Oh, I don't need to go to that. It's extra length anyway. It's a debate that's open.
So he's a it's one mark for me on the creamy Tom Young side. It's what is it now? I found that story quite poignant. It was quite well told.
Well done. It didn't have a lot of humer until the end. The triumphalism of the alcoholic at the end, even though he hadn't won in any way, he'd lost. We'd all lost.
Society was lost from that. And we know what I think it's time to cheer up with one last story. Let's do it. Because I think this one is going to bring a little smile to those weary eyes of your sister.
By a process of deduction. Yes. I now know, do you, that there is scat in this story? Is there no way it will soon?
Shall we see? There's a splattering of scat. Let's see where we go. Okay.
Hello, Mr. Gannon. Hello, Mr. Silverman.
I have a story for you. This is from a guy called Joseph Smith. Hello, Joseph. Not the leader of the Mormon Church.
Unless it is, in which case, he's ruined carnation. As he said, he always would. Yeah. Hello.
I have a story for you. I thought technically a shop, I hope there's enough wiggle room for it to count. I used to work as a manager, Mcdonald's, situated on the toll road in Northworth, Indiana. Oh, he's an American listener.
It's international. I work mostly night shifts from 4pm to the early hours of the morning. Fuck me. That's the worst hours to work, right?
Depends on your temperament. I mean, I guess, but that's when everyone's coming from work, everyone's coming from the way home. Pissed, coming through, late night, trouble some characters on stage. I was in the McDonald's the other day at four in the morning.