Okay, you like me. No, do you? I'm not doing it. I'm not starting the show like this.
I like your intros. You don't because it's always you, introing my fucking intro. I love you mate. Fuck off, honestly.
You mean a lot to me creatively and professionally. Hello, it's cheap show. No, I'm giving you a genuine hop that moment. One minute you on this podcast and I need you to know about, I love you.
I do. Care for you. It's cheap show everybody. Look around your bedroom.
Look, and it's a tapestry of the spare. I see you've moved my rock pants to another side of the room. You've managed to migrate on mountain or pants. My room has multiple sources.
So many, you can't see where the door is. Is that the room you've been sitting on for a while going? I've been sitting on it. I've been back pocket job, back pocket.
The sources obscure my pantries. Okay, shut up. It's cheap show. Yeah, what?
What? Do it? Hello, it's cheap show. I'm the ice-ilverman.
Here's the other guy on this cheap show podcast today, Paul Ganon. Excellent. Well done. Simple.
Don't say simple. Stop saying shit. That's not wasn't funny. Like when it came out 15 years ago, minimum, and some unfunny puppets marketing fucking catchphrase.
That's how people think of us. Retract simple right now. Don't say simple. I can't buy my simple.
I can't buy my simple. Let's just purge some of the naff out of the show. Oh, what can I do? Just don't say shit like that.
How about that? Start with that, Paul. Hello, welcome to cheap show. Simple.
Fuck you. I hate you and your fucking mood repossi. Welcome to the show. I'm not going on a nozzle.
It's like me saying loads of money. It's not like you saying loads of money. It's not. Because that's like your catchphrase.
Simple is not your catchphrase. I didn't take any ownership of it. It's the meerkat of the fucking insurance ads. Simbuds.
Whatever. What's on the show? No banter. No.
How are you feeling? None of that? How am I feeling? I don't know.
Let's do a catch up. How are you doing mate? I'm all right. Yeah.
I stand by my phone. I love you. Shut up. I don't want to talk about it.
Why not? Why can't you? You didn't bother me. My love balls.
Yes. Right. That's the setting. Well, I'm just saying it's upsetting.
I'm suffering from energies. I do say it a bit bummed up. Oh, you're just hanging on to that. You're a little bit bummed up today.
Maybe have you tried any vocal exercises trying to loosen you? That's not a vocal exercise. That's just you. Fuck.
I'll air out for your front teeth and your nose. I got tickled my lips. Fuck. Why are you looking at your phone?
Because I'm looking for some bits that come up late with the show. I've got my book. I've got a book. I was giving it.
I can write notes now for cheap show it now. So I can tell you that on the show today is an intro. I think we're in the middle of that. This is the intro.
And then we've got an ask Silverman and a tale from the dance floor. We can have a little go at. Yeah. So don't say don't get those confused.
All right. I won't because you're my mate and I like you. You're my mate. That's not why we're doing a nicey, nicey show.
I'm not going to be nasty to you at all. I think every now and then you get a mulligan and I'm nice to you. What's a mulligan? It's a golf team.
You've got a shot so they go. You can have that one for free. Well, because he's trying to get educationally subnormal. No, it's just maybe you have a bad day and he's like, so he doesn't have to.
What if he goes in some kind of weird tantrum when he loses? Mate, what was it? Tree. Yeah, then he runs around.
He shits on the he shits in the bunker. Maybe he'd piss him off. So you have to give him the mulligan. I don't want a mulligan from you.
Very poor. Gold is the door. Right. You're talking to your door.
Look, there's some sauce over there. She mentioned that. Yes, your sauce mound. There's a sauce mound.
How's it going? Well, you got the garlic there. It's the topic of this fucking show. It's pathetic.
Anyway, barbecue. You've said moving on. You've said you've got a top three. I have an Eli's top three.
That's enough clearance after several months. Several, several episodes. Many episodes. Maybe not since the 40s or 50s.
Let me tell you something, Paul. It's a doozy. It's a doozy, ladies and gentlemen. Simple.
Simple. And then we've got a big bumper cheap eats today. Haven't we? It is a gargantuan amount.
Cheap eats of epic proportions. You will not believe your mouth and ears. It's a computer world size. It's going to be crazy fun time, food time, excellent time, fun time.
Lots of cheap eats going on. Lots of cheap eats going on. And then we're playing a ball game I picked up in a charity shop. And it's what?
That is what is become of this podcast. You have a problem. I think we need to address it now. I do have a problem with her.
You have started to get a bit like a crack fiend for board games. Very much so. Very much so. It's a genuine problem.
It's not a joke thing for games. I've got a stack of ball games and every week it gets higher because they're just so cheap and I see someone I just want so bad. Did you enjoy ball games growing up? Is there some kind of psychological reason for this?
I didn't enjoy boy games. Boy games. Boy games. Boy games.
Boy games. Boy games. Boy games. Boy games.
Boy games. Guys and boys. Got it. What we got?
You enjoyed boy games. Did you? Yeah. I did.
I enjoyed boy games. All right. Boy games. Boy games.
Boy games. Boy games. With the boys. Yeah.
The trees and the boys. The boys and the bees. I like the boy games. They're good.
I pay good. I pay good. It's a great game. Right.
Someone says, hey, and you say, hey back. And then someone says, potato sacks, you say potato sacks back. And then someone says, a three letter sentence. Like I do letters.
Three words sentence. Three words sentence. That's the rules. And you play it.
And you go in and someone says, I like it. Did you the family play a lot of ball games? The family. Oh, the family.
I don't know who this guy is. This is all Jimmy Biscuits. So. Is a guy who's got lots of nostalgia from the United States of America.
That's right. So my family would always play board games. Boy games every single Christmas we get around. We play Monop Poly, which is based on a parrot called Monop Poly.
A bird with mono. It's a great thing. Just jumping in here. I just see it's a bit downpour.
I've yet to do this. And then we play a game called Floo. I'll talk about it in five minutes. You guys.
I'm going to chop up my coffee. You're going to go. Fuck. Yeah.
I'll go. I'll go. You're going to do it. You're going to keep doing this.
Yeah. The boy. You don't. Boy games.
Yeah. Then I played the game called Fludo. Which is a great game. It's like Cludo, but with boys.
I play this. And my mouth the trapper. It's Mr. Black and it's Mr.
Bird Blue and it's Mr. Blood Red. And they go around you kind of soulful. Stole the bird seed.
It's a great game. What else is there? This Boca. Who?
Which is about an hour. It's really weird doing it. Let's left the room. Feel so lonely.
And then there's all these kind of crazy new games we play. Did I tell you about a Boca? Who? There's a thousand of the shop floor games.
It's an hour game. Can we do this thousand of the shop floor? I mean, I tried to pick up on something. That time.
It's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing.
Next week. He's a recurring character. We come back with more nostalgia. Next time it's Sweet Chaps.
I got Sweet Candy Stiles. Please Tommy Biscuits, please. Oh, Tommy Biscuits. Maybe Tommy Biscuits and Richard Brando.
Don't say that name in the same sentence as this time. It's a bomination. Tommy Biscuits. Tommy Biscuits going.
Yes. Thank you, Tommy Biscuits. Are you on your way out? But we want Paul back to do.
Tell us the shop floor. I got to go. Bye. Right.
Ask yourself a second. You weren't recording that. For more of it. I'll get into what happened.
That story sucked. I don't know what happened in that story. We didn't get to it though. I know.
So we're going to start the whole show with Shop Floor segment again. Yeah. Okay, let's do this. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to capture all the excitements of that original recording of this section of telltale tale.
It's not the dance floor. It's the shop floor. Tales from the shop floor. This is still going to go successfully.
Paul. Yep. You need to differentiate. Do I?
Shop floor. Yeah. Shopping. Shopping.
Yeah. Shop floor. Shop. Let's get a memo on it.
Shop floor. Think about the shop floor. Chopped vegetables. Shop.
Shop. Shop. Shop. Shop.
Shop. Shop. Shop. Shop.
Shop. Shop. Shop. Shop.
Shop. Shop. Shop. Yeah.
And this is the shop floor. Yeah. Okay. I'm trying to help you remember.
Are we recording now? Yes, we are. Definitely recording. Okay.
Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.
Rob. Rob. Rob. Rob.
The shop. Shop. Oh, yeah. Putting needle on the record.
Come on. I've smoked coffee on my crotch. This just it. Eli spills coffee on crotch.
That's the hottest it's been since 1999. What? So I got laid in 1999. That was the last time I got laid.
It was successfully. We're both of you were happy. Fuck off. Are you going to accuse me of some kind of fucking crime?
No. No. No. No fucking make shit up about my story.
My life story. Your life story is adaptable. No, it's fucking not. Make the movie of your life.
Eli. The movie. Ow. Fuck off.
Chill, yeah. This bit isn't working as well as first time. Just do tells on the shop floor. Okay.
You're really annoying. It's gonna be on the joke for tell. Tell tells from the. Oh.
Oh, yeah. He's full of rights in on Chiff. Shot for he goes. He's an American pig lads.
I get a submission, but tales from the shop floor. I'm an American listener and I love cheap show and all the work you do and the bastions and the spectator. Thanks. Yeah.
Would you like to read it? I think you should talk and get on with it. To generate some kind of humorous traction in this book. There's nothing you are just you know, you've gone.
It turned to a jelly. I used to work at a Kmart store when I was in high school. I had it. On the ages of about 16 to 19.
2-4Z now, it's 2-4Z. Kmart, if you don't know. It's like a Walmart, but poorly lit. God.
And stock in the year. 1993. I left my coffee in another room. Oh shit, this bit's been so not working.
So we're frying it off. You know what I mean? Yes, I was going to say it. You know what I do tell you.
Fuck me. This is great. Why have we never done this before? Because you don't have no responsibility on this show.
Listen, it's a responsibility to be disabled. I've been happy to read and tell someone to shop for it. Live in the shit up. You read it.
Yes, I'm ready. How we established? He worked in Kmart and he's an American. He's called in.
So, one Friday, all Saturday, just to say one of the days. Just move to make memory. Oh, maybe it was another day. No one cares.
What fucking day of the weekend was? The weekend, yeah? Fucking hell. One Friday I was working.
Into the late evening. Maybe about 9pm. When a guy came jogging into the health and beauty section of the store. It had to have been about 45 and looked just like the lead character from the second human to the end.
Yes, the ugly man. He's an ugly man. He's a big, big, and he's a little bit overweight. He's got a kind of face effect like Marky Feldman's if he had put a wall.
He came jogging up to me, panting, and in a loud tone of voice, nearly yelling, asked me, where's your move? And I was just about to give him directions to the auto department. When he then added this time yelling, four sex. Fair enough, I thought.
I brought him to the sex aid department. He quickly scanned the shelves and looked at me. This time probably 16 and not yet touched a girl's nether region. Thank you.
And asked, what do you recommend? Since I had no experience in the matter, I replied, not sure, let me Google it. To which you replied, I would have researched it myself if someone didn't want to wait. Right.
Anyway, I think we quickly decided on Astro Glide. And then basically I ran behind him to the checkout counter, quickly cashing out. He said, thanks man. And I managed to get out and have fun time before he shot out the door.
In one part of my mind, I'm thinking good on him. Is age still getting his meat wet? Getting his tip. Is age still getting his meat wet?
And then I said, never thought. Read on the other, the store was located in the area known for high rates of prostitution. Same as the way I suppose. Also, why by lubert no condoms?
Anyway, thanks guys for the good work. Well, thank you. That really did pick up, especially when it was read by some pace. That's fucking, let me, I'll read another one.
Got any comments about that? Madman wants lubert. Madman wants lubert. Fuck me lubert.
Lube! Where could you make? Magni lubert. What do you need lubert for me?
I'll have sex with wife. Oh, you need lubert. Oh, you need lubert. Oh, you need lubert.
Oh, kill crocodile, wife, very horny. Oh, yeah, any condoms? I use crocodile. Lube the crocodile.
It's only small crocodile. It's a very small alligator. It's an egg. It's a very small alligator.
We just have a dog, a file, a teethed down. It's snug on a dog. You're right. This is great.
This is really good comedy. Snug on a dog. A dog. Alright mate.
Got another story. I'll read it. That was good. Hang on.
I'd like to hear the detail there in the end. Thanks, Ian. Now I'll tell you the shop floor. Yeah.
Okay, here's another tells from the shop floor. I can add stories too. This is from rich661. I don't think that's his name.
But maybe guess Richard might be looking. Yes. So, Richard, thank you. Getting in touch.
Hello, cheap show. Smartly face. Nice. Open smiley face.
Oh, like a white smile. Hello. Happy face. Oh, what's Gloom?
I recently got back in contact with someone I worked with about 15 or so years ago. He reminded me of a great story. We used to retell other people. It almost seems like a story specifically made for you, but I swear.
This is true. The best of both are recollections. So there's a little qualifier there from Richard at the top. And you know, maybe not honestly in fact about it.
Well, memory as we both know, Paul. As we both know. It's not a reliable source of things, is it? It's not.
You can barely remember anything I have to do. No, that's not the type of memory I mean. It's the same kind of thing. No, it's not.
It is. It's a completely different category. I remember remembering a story that happened to us. It's a completely different category of remembering.
A different category of remembering. A different category of remembering. It's a categorically different. And you just try to segue into your lady.
You're like, uh, by the name of everything. Fuck, I'm not turning that into this. I was trying to say memory of the part. Yeah.
I'm not remembering to do things completely different thing. So it's less like you remember. It's unreliable. It's unreliable.
It's unreliable. It's just like a differentiator. You're saying forget to bring a blanket and important prop to a festival. Oh, you're weepy, weepy, fanny about it.
It's not the same. You as you doing an awful performance on stage and then thinking back. Yeah, I smashed that. That's more like what you're saying, isn't it?
That is exactly what I'm saying. I know it's like you think you better. It's true though. So the best of their fucking recollection.
To preface this. Yeah. Because it's relevant. We had a very camp acting floor manager.
Oh, no. Oh, you're getting to this voice. That's my very camp acting floor manager. I fancy it.
In a certain chain of gaming shops. What do we think? Game. Could be.
Maybe or sex. I see. What was that? What was that?
Like white dwarf? Maybe. War hammer. War hammer there.
I think a white dwarf, aren't they? Who cares? I mean, if you play it, yeah, but oh. Oh, make it sound like.
You don't like. You don't like. Make Ox sad. Ox bled game.
Ox paid a tiny man. Ox tried to blend D&D. The Ox wife Vera don't like. The Ox wife Vera always ruins off on nights out.
We'll need to fuck Ox wife with crocodile dick thing. Yeah, that's appropriate. Camp acting floor manager in a certain chain of gaming shops. One day we heard one of our work colleagues almost shouted.
He rushed over. How can he almost shout over? Maybe he went. He's got to go.
He caught himself. He was a sort of stranger. He rushed over to inform us that yes, someone had taken a shit. If you're playing cheap, so bingo, cross off the square.
Where someone takes a shit right now. There's a little side comment here from Richard. Nowadays I'm using myself. I assume it was some sort of dirty protest about the price of the PS2 bundles.
That's what he was. Very nerdy. The floor manager decided he would deal with it. I'm not sure why, but I guess to try and show he was willing to work too.
Fair enough. He disappeared upstairs and reappeared a few minutes later wearing rubber gloves and carrying a bucket filled with soap. He walked in and got down on his knees in front of the PS2 display and attempting the cleaning of said shit quickly gave a really loud sigh. He took off the gloves and grabbed the shit in his bare hands.
All passers angling, cabbly shouted. It's cake! Then stormed, stroked, mints off back upstairs. Well mints, that's very offensive terminology.
He was a really nice bloke. We laughed at that for a far longer than we probably should have done. This may be a story that only seems funny to me all these years later, but hopefully you enjoyed it too. Close face smiley and moist coffee.
Keep up the good show guys. Thanks, Rach. Okay, so let's unpack that. I think what happened was, it's always reasonably true.
He took the gloves off and then what is the main focus here? What happened was he took the gloves off. He used it and said it was cake. No, he took his gloves off and grabbed it because he knew it was cake.
The question now is what cake are we looking at here? We're looking at a chocolate cake, probably a chocolate cake, maybe a densely clogged- Black furrows gato. Black furrows gato. A nice slice of that.
That's got big white streaks in, so it might- What about banana cake? Banana bread with icing. It could be raisin bread as well. That's quite dark coloured.
It could be a Christmas cake. It could be a mini roll. What did we mean by it's a cake? I think he just made it some kind of cake, some kind of bread.
So are we supposed to think it is a cake? It's a cake. Yeah, he's no cake. I was like, I didn't pick up on it.
So it was cake. It was not a cake. No. But it's just the way he meant it's cake.
Yeah, because he was angry because he went through that emotional turmoil to get into the mentally-perstion. Then it was clear that it was only cake. It got something like a prank. Yeah.
Like the Babe Ruth Bar in the pool. In Caddy Shack. In Caddy Shack. Okay.
Is there another story for me to read out? No, three. E-Lives. Oh, by the way, thanks to everyone who gets in touch.
And if you want to send your own tell from the shop floor story in the cheap show at gmail.com. Now it's time for actually I'm doing professionally and not be to giving lots of energy for the next second of the show that you're going to love lazy up. And we don't do it often, but when we do it always advance, please stand proud and listen to the famous award-winning second of the show. We like to call E-Lives Top 3.
It's my top three, yes, Paul. We're back again with another top three. This is where I say my top three of something. And it's always a solid and well-researched three.
And then you can comment and you will come up with a weaker top three that's unconceded and just shows you're deadness inside. You're so sociopathic, unwillingness to even just relate to anything. I like you though, E-Lives. And I think down.
See, it's not glipless. It's like a path like that. You don't like getting into your emotions. You can't reach down and say, you know what Paul.
I'm reaching out. Say something, do you mean that right now? Go on. Into my pants.
All right, I do what? Wank. Why? Because I like to.
Get a warm barely emotion. Yeah. Say something else. It's your voice that makes me want to wank.
Ladies and gentlemen. My top three. I'm genuinely a fan of Eli Silverman. I'm gonna go into this again.
I'm doing the top three. Do you want to go to this again?! I'm feeling really good top three. I'm doing the top three.
I'm going to go really good top three. Today's E-Lives top three will be my top three. Drum roll. Condiments.
Liquid condiments. Oh. So, this would not involve salt or pepper or any of these. Sprinkle on condiments which are, you know, chili flakes.
Benito flakes. I'm getting the impression that nothing of any kind of dry texture will be added to your list. And there's also other things I have a Japan which you can spice up the rice like sesame, Sesame toasted sesame sort of seeds and stuff and oils and stuff. Yeah, we're talking liquid condiments here with condiments.
Yeah now this was a tough one for me I have to say a tough but important top three until you mention the topic I was reasonably excited about this top three not my level of interest not Three condiment liquid condiment time Paul very spicy segment up some out like maybe do each one of the different things in a different accent No, go on all right. Yeah in third place. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, it's really go Yeah, yeah, yeah, third place I'm not gonna ask what that voice was. I was like the attempt see it's a tough one for me vinegar Yeah, because very close to it in that fourth place now. This is a little insight into my mind. Well, please Yeah, I mean it's in this list.
It's top three, but I'm just giving some background which would be fourth place and fifth place So it's a top five. No, you can see you get a little extra bonus opinion Official is the top three so depressed and in third place. So third place is vinegar. Yes, but what is fourth?
It's very important Paul. Would you do you like vinegar in small amounts? I've heard about people having vinegar sandwiches. That's not something I did.
Oh, you put butter on and then vinegar on that Oh, no, that's not good. No, it's not good. I've never tried it myself. Never tried that No, what's your thing about balsamic?
No, we both don't chips. You like it on chips? I've never had it on chips It's the sweetness doesn't help with the chips in middle class. You want some malt vinegar on chips Jippy chips, you know, it's good.
We feel a good it. But people don't think about bacon bacon and Slap in your bacon sandwich. Oh, what a dirty little trick is that like fuck as well? No, it's a do it say to like that It's not a life hack.
I'll put some effect in that's a life hack. I've got life. Yeah. What don't bite all the paper Yeah This is a life hack.
It's poor. Yeah, okay. Yeah, the top three and his third place is vinegar. Right good.
Right. Do you argue with that? No, we want to Do I don't want to hear about four and five? Well, just just despite you four was fucking story sauce.
Fifth is ketchup Okay, right. So the top five every the top three more the top five those with the unofficial four and fifth places like a memorable mentions No, like the unofficial four for fifth places. You want to say something else? Memorable mentions.
Yeah, like We can't think of the top three here at two that we wanted to get into the fourth and five more like yeah, sorry, I thought you're top three Yeah, that's right. Yeah, all right. That's what I remember in the eighties. Oh, when we had this little thing this sauce machine I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Did that don't bring him back. Please open. Okay.
I'll go now buddy back guys So what's number two number two Paul so we have a top three of liquid ketchup at number five four is soy sauce three is gonna go to is May nice may nice may nice. I guess it's a liquid. We've done it off right around off I guess it's a liquid it said condiment. Yeah liquid condiment Oh, we're not gonna have a whole sort of liquid condiments and then put fucking slightly more viscous I thought you're gonna be more like sort of sources and well so it's also there Paul and it's all condiments.
You're actually the only distinction Yes, is that your number one is hot sauce? Yes, well, that's a very broad number one It is a general this is a general thing like I did nuts before I didn't realize top nuts and you know you can get all sorts of cashies Can't you know smoke house cashews honey roast cashews this drive mostly cash is struggling for It's not your struggling this your struggling is choking in a safe you are struggling to gain to keep your relevance this Fucking shot is a block in a safe overnight and the panic You're struggling to even fucking no, there's not enough air to the night You are the least inspired personal ever met in my life vault the next morning death with scratch that on the door my top three condiments Yeah, what's top three liquid or sludge condiment right or slightly viscous? Number three vinegar. I like vinegar.
I like vinegar. So you're not gonna diverge from what I said I've got my own choices based on personal preference. Okay, number two is mayonnaise I don't like mayonnaise on bagels. I like it with make a burger.