Hello, faithful cheap show listener. Just a little announcement before we get into the episode proper. Basically, we put our tickets up for the live show on October 14th, Sunday of this year, and within a few hours they sold out, which is pretty amazing, but a lot of you couldn't get your hands on tickets. Now, what we will say is this.
I'm currently working really hard to try and do a second show on the same date in London, for those who still want to try and see us for our 100th show. So it might be 100 part one, and episode 100 part two. We just don't know, but I'm going to try and do that. However, we can't tell you via the podcast, so you're going to have to keep your eyes on social media or on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk.
If you want to watch my Twitter account at thecheapshowpod, hopefully as soon as we get news of a second show, that information is going to go right up there too. Again, if you're a Patreon subscriber, you're also going to get that information a little bit earlier as a result, and hopefully a bit of discount too on that second show. So that's all we can say. It's amazing that we saw that off the show.
We're going to try and do a second, and if you want to come, keep your eyes and ears peeled. The website, again, thecheapshow.co.uk or on Twitter at thecheapshowpod. That's your best way of finding out if you're going to get your hands on tickets for our 100th show. So without any further ado, here is the actual episode.
I thank you. Eli Paul. Let's have a lot of fun this episode, yeah. Okay, ready.
That's a fun. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, like, you know, we're at each other's throats. It's all a bit heavy.
But just today, just for this one show. Just for today? Can we have a little bit of fun? No.
Come on, ladies and gentlemen. We will have a little bit of fun. Don't we? One, two, three.
We want a bit of fun. One, two, three. We want a bit of fun. Come on.
Everyone joining at home listening after three. One, two, three. We want a bit of fun. You are a pseudo-pede.
What does that mean? You know, right, it means. Not the best you've got today. It's a pseudo-pede.
Here we are. You can have a little bit of fun. You can have a bit of fun over your side of the table. All right.
Keep the spit shield up. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Right. You do more than that. Fucking hot today, though. Yeah.
You fizz like a frothy cock rocket. You're not allowed to use a whirth. What do you mean? It's my word.
You fucking little prick. You go up here. You go up here. You go up here.
You go up here. You're having fun, Paul. Immediately. You attack me.
You just stole a brand name from me. You steal lines from bottom every week. That's not the argument here, though. The argument here is that you just use froth.
You're like, well, let's do the intro then. I've got here you go. A little bit of fun. Today's cheat is a little bit of fun.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Here I am. I had a lot of fun. It's a big old came, bro.
Yes, it's a life supplement. And it's time for another episode of Tube Shoe. In this ball, Ghana. Let's have a little bit of fun.
Hey, you and your fucking mood, right? The fact that you've got to have fun. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to have fun.
I'm going to have fun. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to have fun. So what have you got coming up on this extra fun episode of Tube Shoe today?
Well, we've got a lot of fun. We're going to have a lot of fun today. I refuse to not have fun on this episode of Tube Shoe. Fair enough.
So we're going to start the show with the tails from the shop floor. We've got some nice ones to read out today. That's nice. Okay, because last time, when I still have that image of a sink full of diarrhea.
When you close your eyes. Yeah. That was the first one ever. I actually had an involuntary gag reflex.
So let's see if we can top that today. Let's see if we can. So we've got that. We've got a price of shite coming up with a bonus.
A price of it. So that's going to be a little bit of fun, isn't it? That would be a lot of fun. Sounds like double decafund.
It's so far. It's a double decafund. A penis sandwich of fun. Have you had a penis sandwich?
I fucking... I think that's all a penis sandwich. Whether you're what, you're balls being the bread. The balls are the liquid lunch.
What's the even mean? What does it mean? Mate, my crotch down. It's like Dagobar down there.
I tell you what, people expect to lose time. I'm not going to be a Christian. I'm going to be a Christian. I'm going to be a Christian.
I'm going to be a Christian. I want to ask you this. What is officially going commando? Because I've got no panties.
I'm not wearing no panties. We're no panties. No panties. Not wearing no panties.
This is good. But my shorts do have an underlay. Underlay. Underlay.
You're like, give her. That comprises underwear. You see what I'm getting? Like a long job.
Well, they've got built in. In between. You shorts have got a kind of coverage. Yeah, a built in.
Yeah. Yeah. So is that a commando or am I not a commando? It's an interesting discussion.
I'm just saying. It's a lot of fun. It is fun. Do you know what isn't fun?
I think you are commando. I think commando explicitly means you're not wearing no panties. Whereas you are not wearing no panties. You're just wearing your shorts.
They happen to have a webinar. You're not resolving this. I am. I think you've gone commando today.
I've got baggy on the pants on. To get the breeze through. To get the wiffle waffle. Yeah.
To get a little bit of a wiffle of the wisp up there. You're like hairs all dry now. If I walk stridently, I can get a nice breeze through. Yeah.
Bull fresh. Yeah. So you're like, good. I'm glad we covered that.
We covered that too. So just for the record, if you're listening and you're not wearing no panties, you're commando. No, but then you are wearing panties double negative. I'm not wearing no panties.
You're not wearing no panties. I'm not wearing no panties. No panties. No panties.
Like a hard castle single from the 80's. Oh, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor. So and then we're playing, to finish the show off, we're playing a lovely game called Fun City. Is it a board game, Paul?
It's a board game. Have you got a problem? Yeah, I know. Yeah, I actually do.
So that's what you can expect on cheap show today. Let's have a lot of fun. But before we start doing any wacky fun hijinks on cheap show today, I just wanted to mention something so you know last time you were here, or when I was with you. Next time we recorded cheap show.
You had your little favorite quote. Do you hear from YouTube? A little quote. Remember that little quote was like, yeah, Paul, what's that Eli's a hero?
Paul is a king. Eli is king. Yeah, Paul is a nunch. Yeah, something I presume you'd like tattooed on your arm one day.
Well, no. Yeah. You got to go to prison. I just watched his office somehow, someone removes the whole rest of it before the word nonsense.
Then I get killed in prison because they think I'm a nunch. Good happen, Paul. I mean, I don't want it to happen. Eli, as much as we have our banter.
I do, you know. You don't want to be murdered. No, in prison. And I also want this show to stay away from prison sex death jokes.
If that's all right. Oh, is there a boundary now? Is there a line that Eli's not been? Every corporatised of this instead, Paul?
What am I allowed to say? Can't? I'm not allowed to say can't. Can't say can't.
Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't.
Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't.
I'm in the mood now, Paul. It's a hot day when there was open, so I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm in the mood to do the show now, Paul. You've warned me.
You've warned me. Anyway. Lucky boundaries to what I cannot make jokes about on this part. What else?
No, we'll see as we go. So, yeah, there was that thing. I'm sorry I read it out because it's all a bit unsavory now. Yeah.
Well, is that what you try to say? Anyway, stop the non-stalk. Anyway, I just want to read a YouTube comment from the recent Barchians episode. It's from the pixel game that I'm in with Barry, you know, the one we had to guess the character was based on the pixel.
That one that we did quite well on. Yeah, that was a good game. Is there a review anyway? There's a comment underneath this and it simply says this.
At last, a Barchians video worth watching won without Eli. That's it. Sorry, but I cannot stand that bloke. He spoils everything about the original Barchians stood for fun and entertainment.
He's just a miserable sod. Okay, Paul isn't much better, but he is tolerable. Just. Well, I have nothing to say to that.
I have nothing to say to that. Is there a place to comment? They want to comment this one. That's cool.
So that's fun. I just wanted to read that out. That was quite dreary. I just wanted to, you know, I want to tell Wanker Harry, Paul Swett.
You know, I didn't want it to be all, you know, all positive on the show today. I wanted to do really flop. If not only brought it down, you kind of flatted it out the whole mood. You've deflated it.
So what? You make your fart noises when you're out and shrugging at me. Honestly, every time we do this, it just gets worse. It's tough it, man.
I come down here with all that business. What are you doing on the show? Yeah. And then we start doing the show and you completely lost it.
And that's not, don't do that noise. Oh, man. Right. So it's time for the part of the show that our listeners can contribute to it with their hilarious little tail-ton anecdotes.
Of their time working in shops. Yeah. And what's that segment called Paul? It's called to the tail-tailed tails.
From the DAT, the DAT. No, not the DAT. Not the DATS. Not the DATS.
Not the DATS. Not the DATS. Not the DATS, but the shop's the shop floor. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. It's gonna be a lot of fun today. It's gonna be a lot of story for us. Well, this guy sent a few in but because they're quite long and they're gonna read two of the four.
I think two for one reason. This comes from a guy called Dan, Ville. He says hello Paul in the E-Lies. Hello.
You have an issue with people not mentioning you in emails. Well, it's not like there's two of us here. Last time I checked. When I was a student I used to volunteer in a charity shop.
And here are a few stories that I can share. So I'll skip to the second one which is called The Strange No Nation. Oh, okay. What do you think?
From the top? What do you think? Oh, I'm thinking shit. Okay.
Talk guess. Yeah. Well, I mean that would have to be anyone. You know, that's probably the favourite.
Yeah. It's 50-50 shit. Isn't it though? I'd say.
And number two I'd say sex toys with pubes attached something like that. Something dirty, yeah. Or goth, dildo. And in number three, bits of a dead body.
Oh! Or pet, pet, pet corpse. And I can see a pet corpse on this section. Well, if anyone's listening with a pet corpse story, pet, pet corpse story, please get in touch.
A peppercorps. A peppercorps story. Please get in touch. This one's called The Strange No Nation.
Okay. This bloke walks in looking a bit shifty and asks, do you sell toys? And I'm now thinking, why does this man want toys? If he has kids chained up, he'd be a bit witty there.
Can we not have the witty? We want to get the story. We want the details. We want the facts.
So we want the scoop. I reply. Yes, they're over there pointing to the toys. He looks at the toys and back at me and says, I'm going to donate some of them and leaves.
Okay. But now also later he returns with a bin bag, slams it on the counter, turns and leaves. I dig the bag into the back room and begins sorting through it. Mainly close a couple of kids toys and then wrapped carefully in the bottom was something hard.
I remove it and then unwrap it. It was a dildo. Yay! I then tip the bag upside down to the treasure trove of sex toys.
They all went in the bin. Which is fair enough. You cannot donate sex toys. They're certain objects.
Yeah. Unless it's not kind of antique. What, like an ivory, like a wine that won't. An ivory, stress reliever.
You know, ladies. Doctor forteroys. Histilia won. Yeah.
The next story. Just arrange the cubicles on the... I've lost it. Place the Histilia won.
On the tip. You're a judge art! And it frot it. Frot it hard.
Vigorous frotting. Vigorous self-protage. Right. All right.
Frot your mum off, right. OK. Don't be proud of that. Do I have to tell him I don't know why?
The next story. When I said crim master. No nose. No one knows.
OK. So there was a reasonable story. All right. Let's next up.
I didn't know. It was dole doesle. Yeah. This next one is called puzzle.
What do you think that's all about? What will we do with a donation? It is a puzzle or an item that is a puzzle. Well, let's dig up the story and delve deeper.
OK. An older lady came in and asked for help. I quizzed her to find out what she wanted, to which she kept replying the word, puzzles. As written here, so many zed's.
So I asked, are you after a jigsaw puzzle? She just repeated the word, puzzles. So I lead her to the shells of jigsaw puzzles and I went back to what I was doing. A few minutes later she returned to me and said, wrong puzzles.
Okay. Yeah. I inquired as to what she meant. And then said, children's puzzles, puzzles for children, you know, children, puzzles.
So I took it to the children's puzzles. A few minutes past and she just walks out more, drink the word, puzzles. Puzzles. Puzzles.
I continued my shift. A few hours past and she walks in with an issue of take a break, opens it, points to a crossword and says, puzzles. So I take it to the bookshelves, whether a few souducus and puzzle companions. Sometime passes and she puts them on the counter with four jigsaw puzzles.
And then she eloquently says, thank you young man. I do like a good puzzle and then walks out like a multi-pilot sketch. Weirdo. Weirdo.
She must have had some kind of, some kind of dementia or something. You know, so the clarity comes and goes, I've heard with the two nurses. You know, so she re-clarified. Is this another tells from the shop floor, which begins the light for an end of quite a dark mental out-noted?
How death mentally all this and the scatological protests. Well, that's what we do. I mean, when someone is underprivileged and just sort of persecuted, it comes in and then shits into something. Well, that's the kind of show I want to be a part of.
Well, there you go. Here's a story for you to read. I'm going to read this from. This is a story from Patrick Devinshire.
Yeah. Hey guys, it's me again. Yeah. Have we had him before?
Yeah. And he's like, I'll go out there. Yes, you opened. I got my tenants.
Yes. Yeah, that's the story. Sit on it. Yes, it's 10am.
You're open. I've got tenants. Whoa. Yeah, that's the story.
Winning. Yeah. No, him. First of all, I know you or anyone listening does not give a shit, but it matters to me.
My name is Zach. My birth name is Patrick and it was shit so I changed it. Also sorry for depressing you last time with the sad alcoholic story, but whatever, it's a free content for you so fuck off. Thanks.
Well, what charming introduction to his story. Patrick, thank you. Yes, thank you. Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick.
Anyway, this is another co-op story and it has piss and vomit in it. Good. That's the heads up. There we go.
So I hope it meets your parameters of quality. A cheap, show worthy story. Yes. We'll be the judge of that.
I'll take something, Patrick. I'm looking across and Paul has just ticked the box with vomit on our bingo card and our bingo card for a toast. We've got all the corners now. And he's tick-piss as well.
I have. Anyway, this story takes place during the summertime. We're in the midst of a heatwave just like we are now. Tell me about it.
Oh, this is pressure waves from my bull sweat. I'll rip away the underside of the table. It works on kind of CGI. Yeah, my willy is so wet.
It feels like I've dipped it in glue. Yeah. Okay. Well, glue.
People were at glue. Yeah, people all around the estate were clearing our shelves of cold drinks and ice cream to the point where we had to put a two-person maximum on bags of ice. They weren't getting them in fast enough. We just take a delivery and we're in the process unloading the lorry into the warehouse.
The kid who was in charge of this had to take a quick bullet break and therefore left the back door opened. Idiot. Oh, dear. There were a lot of people on the estate who were always trying to get their shit for free.
God, this estate sounds like hell on earth. Maybe he lives in one of those A.C. and those 1980 movies. It's a pack of fucking zombies outside.
I go, my toys. Yeah. It's a very good sociological point to make. Most of these themes feel their glasses.
Very hateful. So fucking classic. Most of these themes would fill their track suits with meat from the shop and sell it down the alleyway nearby. I'm ashamed to admit that once I got quite a good deal on the leg of land from one of these entrepreneurs whilst in my co-op uniform, who wouldn't?
It seems like a no man's land out there. He's conflicted about how he feels about these people. It's an even more than he's a long gone. Well, he sees himself apart.
Yeah, but then he's buying stuff stolen from me. He's just got like grew up near estates like this. So I know how scary they can be, but also I know that's not representative of all the people who live on those estates. No.
It's just the few bad apples that ruin it for the rest of us. Yes. Vote leave. Anyway, it's all worked together.
It's all worked together. That was like two years ago. They're hot. They're hot.
You're going to touch a man or squeeze out like a sponge. They're going to rut from all the slub. I'm going to edit that out. You're not there.
Oh, yeah. You always do. You always don't. I don't want to stop this.
Squeeze my coconut. I had more. I had more. She didn't come.
Okay. It'll come. It'll come. And then she said, you fucking traitor.
You're a true seaman. You traitor. Right. Right.
Sorry. Okay. He's just in for all of himself. The corruption of his fucking place.
We said he's caught beautiful. We've got a leg of lamb off one of these guys. Shocking. Anyway, the warehouse door is wide open.
And down on his luck gentleman has wandered in. However, he did not take anything. I don't know why. It was sitting there in the ground.
No. He just pissed on our milk. What? He pissed on all the milk on our milk.
It's theirs when it's the milk, but not only the lamb of leg. It's fine. Patrick. It was clearly a thought out protest as he seemed to make the effort of covering the whole cage with his heart sticky stream.
He was gone by the time my colleague was back from also relieving himself, but the damage was done. Luckily, he had smelt the offence before touching it. Oh, well. We couldn't be as annoyed because it was just too funny.
And the foot of him jumping to get his piss on top of the cage was hilarious. We did not press charges. We just pulled up a sign saying there was no milk. And put the pissy cage outside of the sun to make space for the warehouse.
But that was not the end. Oh. Oh, well. Oh, well.
We didn't see the evidence told us a clear story. Picture the crime scene. A cage of hot milk sitting in the sun. A spilled bottle of chunky, stinky milk, open on the floor.
Next to a puddle of vomit. Two slip marks coming out of it. And a trail of pewdie footprints leading away. It was obvious that someone had tried to nick the milk, taking the sweet before realising that it had gone.
Very bad. Vomited, slipped over and said vomit and shavily walked away. Oh. That's not good, is it?
Thank you, lads. Thank you. Patrick. Sorry for the long story.
I'll see you at the live show hopefully. Oh, we're still working on that. Well, I like it. Very forensic breakdown.
It's another episode of CSI Cheap Show. Craying crime scene. Tells me shop floor. No, it's not.
It's tells me shop floor edition. CSI Cheap Show. You got it buddy. Let's have a look at the crime scene.
Let's have a detective still with it. What do you see? I see some vomit, some slip stains, some milk. Why don't you put together?
I can't see the crime here. I'll tell you what I see. I'll tell you what I see. Sergeant Genna.
Yeah, tell me what you see. I see a co-op that's broken in its core. It's like a rotten apple down in its core. It's full of maggots.
I'm down here with the maggots in the car. I'm eating the maggots. And I'm going to fuck the prostitutes! And you got the prostitutes!
Look they're not allowed anymore prostitutes. You know why. You eat them. You don't get at all of them.
You leave them left over. It's not good. It's not good for our detective agency. It's what I see eating prostitutes.
Tells you what I see. You want to know what I see. I'll tell you I'll tell you what I see. I'll tell you what I see.
I'll tell you what I see. I'll tell you what I see. What do you see? We see some vomit.
A whole blade tastes like vomit. It's a dirty Bug. It is a swarm of dirty nasty shit please. The shit please.
I hate working with you. I told you what I like working with. I like working with. I tell you, you want to know what I think?
Why? I tell you who I like working with. I like a cockroach in my butthole. I like to put it in.
Why, that's because this game isn't over. I put the cockroach in my butthole. This scene is over. You, I tell you, stop the scene.
I tell you, Sergeant Cannon, who can shut down me. You're not a boss of me. I want to let her from the commissioner. Oh, dear.
I want to let her say, you must stop investigating. Go up. And then I'll quit. You know what I'll quit?
You want to know what I'll quit doing this info? I want your badge and your gun and I want you after force. You're a danger, you're a liability, and you're bringing people to corruption. I want you after force.
After this time, I've ever seen you on my borders again. I'm going to lock you up like a goddamn criminal. A criminal criminal. Don't make fucking fun of my speed, you pediment.
You're quick. And scene. Thank you. Anyway, that's got any notes?
I'll be all pictures before. I've got a record of notes before. Paul, I've got the word shit. I've got the word shit.
I've got the word shit. Here's the E-Like question mark. Oh, okay. It's a hard pencil.
I just think it's a bit too dark for a free-in-the-afternoon TV show, your interpretation. We're looking for a little bit more kind of diagnosis murder. We can't really do the dark and heavy. No, you can't.
A female character. Yeah. Hello, I'm Detective Quimmy Lim. You are the criminal.
I investigate Quins. In the lesbian way. It's totally awful. That is the worst thing.
Are you a criminal? That is the worst fucking thing you've ever caught with on this show. That is it. We have found...
Oh, he's a real... Two minutes past four. Two minutes past two. On Monday, the length of the July's recording is E-Like did.
The worst suggestion ever on Cheap Show. Ever. Say sorry, I'm sorry about that, everyone. Oh, no, I'm sorry about that everyone.
Well, that segment was a lot of thong ladies and gentlemen. I think you'll agree. Oh, quite a lot of fun. But the fun don't stop there.
The fun doesn't stop. The fun doesn't stop until the train pulls out of the fun. No one picks no gambling people. The whole sort of anti-gambling message is when the fans stop.
Stop. It's a silly thing to say, isn't it? When do you think the fun stops? When is the fans stopping?
When you've got outside and kicked a phone box in and you've got... Oh, me wife. Oh, no. Any kids?
Yeah. The fans stopped. I blow their college money. I just think it's a bit simplistic.
It's just like... The betting. Oh, when the fun stops stop. Obviously.
That's a stupid thing to say. Yeah. When the things start stop. Yeah.
It's like saying, you know... The fun stops are just time to go. What are my actual point, Paul? Is for all compulsive to gambler, the fun stops as soon as you stop gambling.
Yes, that is very good. The fun starts again when you start gambling, doesn't it? So what should it be? The anti-gambling crusade.
If you were chronic gambler with an addiction problem to gambling, sort it out mates. It's not catchy, is it though? It's not catchy. Something like that.
Maybe just sort it out. Sort it out. No, there's that thing on the London, on TFL now. I don't know if you've heard.
No. They've got this slogan sort of anti-terrorism, be aware sort of slogan. Okay. Sort it.
Sort it. It's just because they had the comment of the third. S-sorted. S-sorted.
They've razed what the third S would be. We've got to see it. And it hasn't. Shout it.
No, it won't work, Brian. Sorted. Shit it. Shit it.
I shit it. No, but you get these people, these announces in certain streams. Obviously you haven't got the memo or had time to think about it. They're like, okay, have you seen anything or anything suspicious?
See it's sorted. Sort it. See it's sorted. See it's sorted.
See it's sorted. It's like a Jimbo. It's like a Jimbo. You gone by the plane, I'm going to do it, you're a little cocking.
Are you using your fucking mind? It's been a long weekend for, we sang a little DJ, how was he? DJ, did you hear a little bit of shit? No.
That's more, you know, topic appropriate. Let's go do the jingle. Yes. Who's going to do the jingle?
Do the jingle? You're going to do it, and that's right, there we go. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. It's the fucking process.
It's the fucking process. What was that gonna be? What the fuck is getting the stuff out? Let's do the price of shite.
He wants to go first. Now, this is an opportunity, Paul. Yeah. For a breakthrough.
The price of shite. We both have prepared a price of shite for each other. Am I right? Am I gonna double deck it?