Well, come on, Darwin, get it off your chest. Apparently, ladies and gentlemen, he'll shout out a record until he's in the zone. Are you in the zone now, Mr. Silverman?
Are you in the zone now? Don't talk to me with that kind of voice. Ladies and gentlemen, he's got a bit of a headache, so grumpy silverman today, I think, for this recording session. And I hope grumpy session.
Grumpy session, he said that guy I know. I'm not doing a character called grumpy session, just because... No, just... Right, come here, what do you like?
Here he comes, here we go. Why not all your characters? Sniff, snort. Because it's a nice way of doing a non-verbal characterisation.
Alright, okay, alright, go for it. What am I called grumpy session? Grumpy sessions. He got one.
Oh, hello, grumpy sessions. I like this. Hello. What made you grumpy today, Mr.
Grumpy? Well, it's not actually Grumpy. Oh, it's your name. That's my name.
My mum gave me. Couldn't make some might say. Yeah. Some might say.
Oh, why should I grumpy? Because my first name's fucking Grumpy. That's why I'm grumpy. Was you one the fan of Snow White?
Was my mum a fan of Snow White? A fan of Snow White. It's my mum. You're one probably had one.
I'm sorry, grumpy sessions, doesn't you hear very well? He's a deaf character. What? My mum's fan of Snow White.
Oh, this is just paying dividends. Snow White fan of Snow White. Yes, she did. Anyway, she was there.
She played prematurely downstairs. Right, let's do the intro. I go now. Goopy, you can do the intro while you're here.
OK, everybody. Here's our grumpy sessions. And here I like to present to you a show with you myself from the poor Ganon. Hey, let's hear from them now.
I'm going to the poor gnoc. It's a cheap show. Hey, you and your fucking mood for a posse. What's up, grumpy?
What's up, grumpy? The fact that you show good at half a percent. My mood's on. It's on the top of the show.
I'm going on a nozzle. Hello, it will come out. Thank you. We just did an extended diversion because you mispronounced the last thing really badly.
Try and get past word one and a half. Hello, Mr Silverman. Hello. How are you?
I, as we've covered, I'm a bit... Yeah, it's a bit grumpy. Tired, head, achy. It's late night recording of cheap show today.
Late night, which means anything goes. It's electric blue. It's electric blue. Cheap show, electric blue.
Cheap show, electric blue. It's coming at you. More sex stories you want to hear. And don't get that.
That time I got my fingers in. No one wants to hear it. You remember it. I don't remember it.
I was not there. You were there in my brain. Well, thanks for admitting that. That's something we all knew.
Correct. Can I admit something right now? No, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. So, my girlfriend tried to do an impression of you. Yes.
Whilst you were boning that. Yes. I'm just sorry. That was it.
You were... Oh, fuck. She was doing it. Just for a laugh.
And I said never, never, never do that in the bedroom. It would be too terrible to have you heard your voice. Like, my I do your voice. Yeah.
And then just, you know, it was all nice. And then at the end, you know, at the end. Ah, fuck my life. I was like, oh, what a mood killer.
Oh my God. What a mood killer. Well, I don't condone this. Or I've got no comment, really, Paul.
Yeah. Fuck from that, Paul. What fan? Fan.
What fan? I'll pay 500 to power it beyond Plibius. No, he wants me to be on Plibius. OK.
Well, you are. Yeah. So I don't know what he's playing. He's playing Smelly Doctor.
He's playing Smelly Doctor. You're the character in that film. OK. Yeah.
I'm not the Smelly Doctor. I've read the script in the scene. And what are you? I'm not in the film.
I turned it down. There was stuff in it. I disagreed with politically. And some stuff in it, I think, crosses the line.
So I said, no, Stuart. I said, no, Stuart. That script is filth. OK.
You should be ashamed that you've raised money to make that script. And I tore up in his face. How we had a bit of a fall in that? This is not true.
You're making it up as a story. And it's not working. It's comedy. It's not working.
It's comedy. It's comedy. Completely fine. It's a set up.
For what? Yeah. Oh, it's smelly. Yeah.
Everyone's like holding their nose and going, p-u smelly doctor. And it's a great thing. It has to be great. It has to be called for all the way.
Anyway, we're doing this. Let's do the bloody intro. Hello. Welcome to the show.
This is the economy comedy podcast for your ears. And once again, we go for the bargain bins. The charity shops, the thrift stores, the boots, sales, the panel lands, have great Britain. Oh, nicely done.
Thank you. Now he's going to fack it. Yeah. And deliver them in the form of entertainment.
And perhaps a little bit of education. Oh, we like to sprinkle in some edge over every now and then. So this is a intro. Joe, in front of the show.
I'm dying to find out. Well, we're going to do some tells from the shop floor. Because if I don't know what those sent in, but I would like to say this now, let's just say this. Say it, Paul.
It needs to be said. Please stop sending stories about dead animals. I'll get that out. No, come on.
I think we should have that one point tonight. Sniff keeps. I don't want a sniff keeps. I will vomit.
I feel like tonight if we do that. I'll sniff his job. I don't want him in this situation. He says he has no one needs sniff a job at all.
You don't need to. I don't need to. No, but I think that's where you're wrong. I do need to.
No, the fucking bane of my existence. Is Brad off, Brad off. Yes. No, Brad off.
What do you call that? That's in the next episode we're recording. That's where I'll get Keith out. As an old pallet cleanser for myself.
Right. I need to sniff off his jar hard. Just to clear my head. So no more dead animals, please.
We've had enough. I can't read any more things that begin with a sentence. I slipped in dog brains. Don't need it.
Yeah. So how about this? Send a nice story in. Maybe something lovely happened in a shop floor one day.
Like a little old lady went for a box. Oh, Arthur! She takes it to the camera. It's a matter of the man.
It's the story. She did it. So the little woman's going for a box at the back of the room in the shop and she sees this little box and she pulls it out and she opens it up and she goes, Oh, Sydney! I'm out!
And then she takes it to the camera and the woman's going, What's wrong with it? This is Sydney. Sydney gave me this during the war. There's a little necklace inside.
I thought I'd lost it. But here it is. And the woman's going to have the counter looks down at the necklace and the old woman who separated it for maybe 60-70 years and she went, ForkWIT. ForkWIT.
ForkWIT. ForkWIT. Good one. That was amazing.
Come on then. What we got? And then we're going to go. vocalist.
It was really, what we pulled. Let's see what we pulled down a lot. We made this go with that video and he only had all the stickers and videos. It's actually talking about his house, he's like that.
I did a bit of a deep dive on Weird Poor. He had this thing where he was showing videos. Yeah! Just like Chris.
Okay, but he had all his story solutions. And stuff. Because he's like a mad weird collector. And he really collects a lot of different stuff.
Like old DVDs, he has other people's family snaps... That's weird to go. That's weird to be. I see the feel of that.
Scary. Like dull eyeed in... What was it? Man-hunter.
Anyway, we're going to watch it. Let's see what we can get to. We'll do a little kind of cheap show commentary of a weird pool video. And then we've got a lovely, lovely part one of a two part Eli Silverman's platter, which is now you've usurped and it's basically Paul.
Paul gets a vinyl play who thinks he's all misdirected, doesn't he? Oh, I have some now albums. I've got some quite unusual flexies. I have two, four, eight, nine, 13, 14.
Oh, now, of now. There's some interesting choices on there. Redbox. We should explain maybe to the listeners.
Now, that's what I call music was a serialised compilation. I think serialised pop compilation. So, just meant to cover the current records with that. What?
Half year? Half year. So, yeah. So, the idea was every six months you get kind of a summary via CD of the year's hottest hits.
It was ubiquitous. Everyone had that now album grown up, like more mad loads. They were just everywhere. And so, I've been picking them up at charity shops.
So, I can't do that. I found something interesting. I would collect that shit. No, it's fine.
Why would you? Anyway, better things to do. No, you don't. You actually don't though.
I probably don't. Right. And then we end the episode with that. And then that's it.
So, let's just get going. Should we shake hands? No, I don't want to touch you honestly. I don't think it's a clammy day.
I'm a clammy. I'm acting quite dry. I'm stroking his palm. Got a dear listener.
It's clammy. It's not how... I've got... No, it's not.
You've got to like clam on. Clamartis. It's time for Tell Swear on the Shop floor. The part of the show you get involved with.
You write me in the email. You pad it out with nonsense and you get to the me to the tale. Oh, yeah. That was really bad.
Okay. Great. Would you like to read the first one? I'll read one out.
Yes, sure, Paul. By the way, no joke. No more dead pets. I'm looking for these emails right now.
I was like, they're pet cheap show. Dead pet story. They're dog slipping brains. They're paking me.
The more you say I slept in dog brains, it is intriguing. We'll do that on the Patreon special. That's what we'll do. So we'll say that.
If your thing is dead animals. No, not your thing. I mean, that sounds into crush porn. I'm not doing them in stand-pon hamsters.
What it is, really? Yeah. So, we will do a patreon special of just the dead animal stuff. Okay.
Getting swamped with corpses. Yeah, it's not good. So, let's give you a recent one that's coming. Let's see.
Is this this one? This is this one. Here we go. You can be the first one, Mr Silverman.
Okay. Hello again, Paul and Eli. It's me. Hello.
Shana. Shana. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, apparently she said I pronounced a name correctly. So did I say Shana last?
I guess. Well, I presume so if you're got instinct, we'll subpounce it like that. You're just a natural voice genius. Shana of CSI Charity Pet Corps fame.
One podcast. We're writing the script right now for that. I actually have a few stories for my six months in Primani, Primark, the hellhole. But this one is possibly the one that made me gag most at the time.
And when I think you won't have heard anything similar to it before. Well, first of all, congratulations on getting through that sentence. That was constructed. I mean, I mean, I have to say Shana sentence construction.
Whoo. Bit dodgy on that one. Bit too many clauses hanging off at the end there. But also I will say she set up quite a big target for herself.
She's actually, you know, she's talking the big guns there. She's talking the big guns. Yeah. Well-known phrase.
Yeah. Yeah. Talking the big guns. Yeah.
All right. That's good Paul. Yeah. The worst thing I've ever experienced in my 25 years on earth.
Wow. Anyway, enough bullshit. Let's get to it. Oh, this is fighting talk.
A few years ago, the Primark opened in my town. Right. I live in Bath. Primark by the way, people listening in different countries don't know is a big shop for clothes, cheap clothes, cheap clothes.
Yes. That's it. Similar to the clothing bit of Walmart, I guess you'd say, was American. Yeah.
Like a cheap gap, much cheaper though. Yeah. Like really known to be dirty. And that's why the joke is always primarity.
It's like you get the latest knockoff. Primani. It's a pun on Armani. Yeah.
It's that quite saints of British humour. Yeah. Very quite indeed. Carry on.
Okay. I'm sure there's an equivalent for Aldi and Little. A few years ago, Primark opened in my town. I live in Bath.
So a load of the posh cunts were kicking off. Oh, God. And all the chabs were hyped up. I feel this is important to know for later on.
Sounds like a kind of modern West Side story. Because I don't know if you've experienced a Primark during busy time. But if you have, imagine that times 10 on opening week. Well, that sounds terrible.
I've seen Scrams in Primark. I've seen it. Yeah. A lot of ladies fricking through a bunch of nickers.
What for a long time? I sat there whacking Paul. I can't rely. Of course you do.
No, it is Paul. My coxomanyou. No one knows what I'm doing. That's the advantage.
Is it not recording? No, it's recording. Well, you have to respond to my family. Go on and on mate.
I don't need to be here off the time to summarise. I wank in public. I don't. Don't really.
Anymore. Okay. 10 times opening week. So it was busy.
Yeah. Okay. So my job on opening week was fitting room assistant. You know, that moody get who counts out how many items you're taking in and asking everything.
Okay. Yeah. Every so often we had to go around and check the fitting rooms, making sure no personal belongings have been left behind or if the cubicles needed a bit of a for a breeze after a smelly customer or pick up hangars and all that jazz. Good.
I have a feeling it's going to be that second example smelly customer and something to do with shit. Well, I don't know. Right. Lucas.
Okay. It's not down druff. Okay. So I'm going out to the check and I peek into one of the cubicles.
I can't believe my eyes. So I step into the cubicle to take a better look on the bench nestled in the middle of a pipe. There is a rubber glove. What?
A clear one like from a first aid kit. The glove is tied up and puffed out with something liquid that is tinted slightly red inside. I thought it must be the contents of the puddle and inside the baby finger is a used to tampon. There's an inflated glove.
Someone's used their glove to put their time on it. The gloves stayed there for hours as the manager had to decide whose responsibility was to clear up. As apparently the cleaners weren't meant to clean up bodily fluids. No, no, the contract, no way.
Eventually, the deal was done and got it got cleaned up. We never found out it was a dirty protest by a posh country who hated the fact bath was been tended with primani and pound shops or an over excited chap who couldn't contain her excitement literally and I gagged like a good in that. Sorry it was so long. My other primark stories include shit.
Okay. So I thought I'd say that for another day. Fair enough. That was an interesting story.
Paul, it's all gone wrong on this podcast, mate. It went off the rails a long time ago. You know, what's going on with us? What's happened?
Sorry. That's not what we call the mystery of the smelly surprise. Don't fucking make great solving that one. Do you?
Someone took a shit. Do you want to hear it? It was my name. Is it French?
May I? Yeah. So why wasn't it French? It sort of was.
It was quite subtle. Do it again. This is a pumper. I would get to the bottom.
This is a pumper. So this is from Ian Elliott and it's called the mystery of the smelly surprise. Here we go. Hey, y'all from beautiful Atlanta, Georgia.
You're setting a bit of colour there. Bit of local colour. Little colour, glaxant, little bit of joy. Y'all.
Y'all to you too. Y'all welcoming the house of pickles. My house of pickles. Be welcoming.
Well then you do it. Unless you don't want to invite your imp. Y'all. Is it girl?
It's Ian. Y'all Ian. Welcome to my house of pickles. That's now a formal invite legally binding.
Come any time you want. So my name is Ian and I'd like to share. No shit Paul. Gonna take an ad me out.
My name is Ian and I'd like to share. Right. Possibly the most vile thing I encounter while working at a butcher at a local butcher's supermarket. I'll make is this another animal one?
Yeah, it's got maggots in. Sorry Ian. Same with it for the picture on. We're not in the mood for dead animals.
I feel like my stomach actually starting to go. You know, yeah. I mean, you know what, I thought that someone was going to find like a poo inside the stomach of a... Oh, mate.
And over. Shut up. Shut up. What?
Here's a letter from James Curry. Fever Dream and an ask-sillman question. Okay. Let's make a general mailbag, shall we?
Well, we can. I mean, wasn't there a thing ask-sillman that just didn't have that much shit or dead thing? No, that's quite informed that you were disparaging a lot of that. Anyway, tells from the shop floor it's over.
It needs to be called it off. It's gone toxic. It's just the dead animal part. And the dead, dead old people.
What a picture of Britain it is. Fucking hell. They're nice stories. It's not going to be funny though, is it?
No, it might be. It'd be all right. We could just take the piss out of the thing. Yeah, we could just take the piss out.
Oh, I made an old lady happy. So I just read this one. Hello, Paul. I wish to thank you and Eli for helping me through a few days of illness and tell you about a fever dream you induced because I want you to share in my delirium.
You happy with this? It's like a fever dream. All right, James, here we go. I was on a cruise holiday in the Baltic.
And during three days, I became rather ill with severe flu-like symptoms. Knowing that there could be days at sea with not more to do, I had downloaded a few episodes of the Cheek Show before the voyage, which proved to be a double-edged sword. Whoa. I can't imagine listening to Cheek Show when it's slightly nauseous.
Well, I'm just, it would send me over the fan of Hey, yeah. Go, go, go, go. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, me.
It's only me. That's what I like for a Bruce Force. You might as well know marvellous. It was about 3am.
I had a fever. Couldn't breathe well and generally felt like shit. So I reached my phone and listened to Cheek Show and the hope that it would make at least past the time. At least that's a fact.
It could do that. At least we'll pass the time. Yes. Right.
After a while, I fell into a deep sleep and began dreaming. It was a strange dream I ever had and I made notes the next morning. So I could tell you all about it. Don't I pick this voice?
But I like it. It's a good way of encouraging lucid dreaming of a poor. To write your dreams down. As soon as you wake up, when you remember them.
Then what happens? You can try to train your mind. So you know it's more. Yeah.
And lucid dreaming is all about noticing that you're asleep when you're doing it. Okay. But what's the benefit of that? Then you can look at it's deep.
You can go deep into your own psyche. I've always wanted to do this. Why does it sound shit? Listen, Paul, you get to what?
Imagine. You don't want to know. I don't want to know. You're in a dream world.
Yeah. And instead of watching- It's ready for you there. No. Instead of watching your mum, like a brain tank.
Instead of watching your mum, like put a huge marrow into an air vid. That was your, no. You were obsessed with that. Because you guys, that was a cucumber into an oven.
Yeah. She's got a massive marrow. It's like a prize-winning marrow. Yeah.
And she's kind of struggling to get into an oven. Anyway, I don't want to know what that means though. I'm just saying, if you've got lucid dreaming, I'm not curious. I'm not, I'm not into that.
I want to fly around and fuck women. Right. Exactly what you're doing with me. And then you're doing a dream.
That's what your dream would be. Da-da-da-da-da. Great. No, not necessarily.
In a cape nude. I'm just saying you think about- Oh, I love having sex around the women. I love sweet things. That's creamy.
Okay, cool. We all know you've got a sweet tooth and it's messing with your health now. Yeah. Yeah.
It's better than the ink. That's really magic. But what I give you can indulge yourself in your lucid dream. Oh, I'm gonna have the littiest cake.
I don't want to have a dream. All fizzy pot. All it never loses is fizzy margarine lance. Does it?
Whatever. Bubbles forever. Don't tell me you don't understand the fucking benefit of- It's just more than time for effort for it. Not interested.
What do you mean you haven't got the time? You have to sleep. It's just such a camera. I want to finish this fucking life.
All right. Fucking hell. So it's 3am. You put the right thing on.
Listen to what I was feeling about. I dreamt that I'd woken up in my cabin and saw two snakes slithering under the door. One had the head of Eli in his Ron Jeremy phase. Ron Jeremy phase.
Who is this guy? James. I'm taking back any liking of this. All right.
Okay. You've got the line James. And the other had Paul's head. Hey, which one gave him a horse?
In what phase? In what phase was Paul's head in? Did he have a fucking phase? He'd hate being compared to Ron Jeremy because he hasn't all the time.
All the time. I've cut to the point. I've put the fucking hatred internally. I fucking shaded the other day and I thought, Oh, I looked like Ron Jeremy.
Yeah. Well, I think you look more like Don Deloise. Now that's better to say. What did he do?
He used to be a chef. No. He was a comedian. He was like loads of gene wilder films and no broke stuff.
You know. I think in blazing sadly, he's the point out. You touched. Yeah.
That's the worst part. I think. Yeah. That's the bad part.
That's not the stuff. He's been in all the stuff. Oh, he's like kind of all Ron with both metal. Horrible.
I like it. He's like deeply problem. I'm never going to get to the end of this one. Anyway, we're snakes.
We sleep. I got ahead. I reach down and give them a hug and they perch on my shoulder offering advice and swearing at each other. Then.
She chose the face of chase. No, that's Brucey. I know. I want to be Bruce.
Just do the snake. You fucking Bruce. Bruce is the sea. What relevance?
What? It's a dream. It's a dream. Getting a photo of Paul's man.
What an amaro. With vegetables. In an oven. Not an oven.
It could be a toaster. In a cat flap. She's putting a sparrow gun into a toaster. Crap.
Right. So then a snake with the head of Noel Edmonds came in. And I killed it by stamping on its face. Oh, yes.
Hooray. And it squished with black liquid exploding out. And the snake corpse dissolved into the floor. I heard rumors that knows that.
But knows what. That if you punch your head, he dissolves into the floor. And then where does he go? He just sucks into the carpet.
It's the murder to get out. And he's gone forever. Is he? So you've heard stories.
As if that had happened before. That's the rumor. That's the rumor. That's the rumor.
That would happen. That would happen. It's a prediction. Because it's a bullshit.
It's a bullshit. Could happen. It was a lame bit of attempted comedy that you just did. And I'm not having it, Paul.
It's like, I need a footing. I need a footing. I really do. What do you just do?
I've heard that Noel is the snake. You know, dissolves. I mean, that was sweet. Come on.
By anyone's hand. Come on. Try it. Let's get to the end.
All right. I'm very sad. I'm very sad. The next scene of the delirium was being chased down a corridor by dozens of Noel snakes.
I was clutching at my Eli and Paul. We rounded a corner to some lifts where we saw Ash being stabbed by Mr. Blobby. Excellent.
His dying words being hit the move. I then remember slapping the Paul snake for some reason. Eventually, Mr. Blobby caught up with me and killed me.
And the Noel snakes catching up and enveloping me as I expired. enveloping me as I expired. I don't know what became of you an Eli. I do have a question for Ask Silberman.
How toasted does Eli like his toast? What does he put on it? Toast? Yeah.