The following podcast takes place between 8pm and 9pm on the 20th September 2018. And these are my knickers. I shut in these twice. They're my pills.
We're working. Oh, one star. Whoa, OK. Hello.
They literally are you not just on the pants belong to Barry? I always call them Barry. They're not. It's always the name Barry.
You've got a limited space for anything created in your head. I might just function all over. I just don't think these are good. Oh.
Now they're in a charity shop for you. I don't understand. Are you telling me for real? There's a box of other pants in that charity shop.
And I was like, is that? You're not meant to donate pants on the pants. Oh, yeah. That's taboo.
It's not even taboo. It's just dirty. It's not dirty. I'm putting all jokes about how pervert I am assigned for a second.
Let's do it. No. Absolutely not. So I'm putting those jokes back on.
You're telling me, oh, fucking went off. Wow. One star. So, um, er, that's all you want to do.
So it's just a regular episode. We haven't done it ever since. You know what I mean? It's just like we haven't gotten back to time with the car boots.
It's just a wild. No. I was wrong. What's the word?
Shit. You were gash. You were poor. You put no effort in your panic.
You can tell you audio how much you panic. And also let me just bring you up on something. Bring you up on something. Bring you up.
Don't do anything. You've got a pin. You can tell you're phowed a bit on our website. Yeah, I've put a picture with a lovely pin.
Don't get me wrong and yes, I do like an Apple pin. Not the reason why I don't wear them. Edinburgh by a fucking guy who's like hello I stand up mike mike entire michael mike entire right I was sitting on the front seat I'm a blazer on this is back in the 2000s when we have to do some sketch show We're in prop show yeah, and I'm a lapel full of badges and I'm all bad just go to them And he basically went look saw me in the audience when you're a cunt. Oh, yeah for that bad just now I was like oh no mr.
Mac just before he was big just before he broke We were still completely charged how did he build a career like it's not unlikeable especially to other comedians because I saw him once Yeah, and he was just he was emceeing and he just uh your ice cream burns here And he was just like just a bit arse bit anyway the point is that he put down everything like that he came back on when that was shit Yeah, give me a jacket. I'll tell you what car you drive He puts you out and you thought oh I don't really upset me to the point where it's like oh no they're gonna wear these little Pele badges again, so you want to know why I don't wear them? I love them I still have a collection, but I felt like a right now on a thanks to him and it broke my heart and look where you are now I'm sorry mr. Mac and I have pins and then he got sorry for me to buy soup.
Are you joking? No, that's what he said I think oh you're so sad now. I should buy you some soup to say sorry. I think that was it So like that at that point I was already dead inside it's gone Whatever the last love of comedy joyous community He killed that he killed the joy and fucking like an injured he went Is that the noise in his make up for their silent?
Well, not when they strike. Yeah, no especially when they strike really yeah Because you got kill one person. Oh, oh fucking your laying siege to a wall Lords wouldn't you should be called all right? I give you that and kill the first one Oh, there's an injury in the garden to kill the ninja kill the ninja Oh shit should have gone out like a twat Yeah Why is everyone dying around here must be the ninja anyway, so there we go talking of pin badges.
Yes We got some coming out that we're not gonna say that oh I forgot to mention it But yeah, if you come to the live show which you're pursuing some of you are because we saw a lot of shows Providing the thing for us with delivery. We're gonna have our first piece of merch on sale Which will be cheap show enamel badges and the same one to mr. Mac and sorry. No, you can shit I'm gonna wait and say the human shit in a can.
I'm gonna watch it. Oh I love this man every human shit You know we're mingling and I'm alright my you broke my soul at that end of the show remember that And then I'll fucking force it down and pull his pants down and take the protector off the pin of the badge Yeah, I put it right in his fucking sink there just put it right in the bottle But that right in right in right in the most big but deeper deeper deeper deeper Pops, and then I just him and I leave the badger there and pull it out And you'll be like oh, it's a nightmare and I make a five minutes out of that for your cozy comedy show you can't right? Okay Yeah And then we've got a really nice price of shot today, okay, so Classic form Manatees business should we push the boat out too far? No, mate.
We've broken the format. We need to take it in Back to sturdy basics. I tell you what that is drink. Whoa.
Whoa. I can't regret tastes like fucking cats piss right? I think I've got the caffeinated yeah good. Yeah, it's quite fast acting That's the fastest acting you've ever done in your life.
I could do fast acting go on that. Oh, and that's what you're doing well Yeah So yeah, that's what we've got coming up on the show today lots of lovely lovely features. I think you'll agree so yeah, it's gonna be very exciting Well, no, what else have I got no, I'm not saying nothing as per usual. I have something else nothing going on I do have some are a what I've got the tails from the dance floor.
Have you got a tails with dance floor? Yes Yes, I do. Oh good. Someone someone came up to me.
What's that? My phone mate hang on hang on hang on It's a prop hello hello. This is beyond our profession. Sorry.
I should turn it off But it's a private number I might need it hello. You mean you should have what the fuck pause Hello hello all right. Make it is this all right. Okay cool.
No, who is this? No, it's Joe right? Okay lovely Is this Joe or I have a fucking number No Alright, who is it? One of you will die Fuck off mate.
You are one of you will die. I joke is not all right mate. Okay, so enough I'm gonna hang up just an hour just so you know who the show and make it a burner or what one of us dies What if you will die how okay? All right prove what's going on?
So on this phone I'm not someone on this phone says unless we entertain them they're gonna kill one of us Mate I like you still there mate don't you believe you about what one of yeah, no mate you made up on the clear I just wanna know if you don't know what it means me. Yeah, right? What of you yeah, right? Okay, how are you gonna prove that to me?
I believe me. No, it's a bit fucking rich to call out No stranger calls me and I'm a in the podcast recording and says oh one of you's gonna die Let's make you laugh well that's fucked for a star. So how are you gonna know your words good your threats genuine, hey? Oh, hang on I've said a message once I it's a mash What are we doing that fucking recording the show?
Maybe this is actually fucking about actually must be I'm gonna send me center I don't have time to send a little video hang on. I'm gonna fucking around What he beat me at the fucking car boot challenge. Yeah, this is probably a fucking stick in the knife. I need it All right, let me just let me just play some you know what I'm happy.
I got glass sweet fucking pathetic wank Let me play this video now. Here we go. Watch this How did you get in here? I don't show sometimes I'm not really I'm certainly not a host despite what Paul said in the article I just come along.
You know, I don't listen to it at all. I don't really I don't even like I think I think there really is Why it's you? What you doing? No, don't do that.
Don't do that. Don't do that. No, Jesus fucking Christ. Is that real?
Weird the video just ended with him being shot in the face. Hello? Hello. Is this a sick joke?
Is this you? Ash did you didn't see I did we didn't we just we just saw him get shot in the head. So he's this guy sent it to it Mate did you send this video is this you Ash? I thought I fuck about all right Yeah, so what you're gonna listen to us now as we do the rest of the podcast I will okay, right?
So Yeah, yeah, yeah Fuck off. What's this fucking shit? How do we know how's he gonna kill us? He's not in the house the door's locked I don't know maybe what Paul yeah, I don't want to What is my dick out no I get my dick out there's a red dot.
I'm a dick No, no, no, no poor what look in the mirror Shit fuck fuck is this guy got sniper rifle mate? Is this you with the fucking cool rifle? Okay, okay, okay, okay, we're gonna do it. We'll crack on cracking on fucking hell go like we'll just call the police No, no, no, no, we have time he wants to leave the line open doesn't he so we can hear everything we're doing now So I call no we can't we've got until we've gotten to about 45 minutes I don't have that much material man.
We'll just have to crack on with the show. We're gonna do the show What we can't we're gonna red dot on my head and there's a shattered bloody bookcase behind you with a bullet in it I'm actually been shot in the face now that doesn't really concern me all that much in fact We don't have to pay you now for appearances. So it's sad that she's dead. It's it's not just sad Mate just crack on with the show he's listening right cheap eats I just make just concentrate have some more energy piss I don't want any now have some more energy fizzy piss eat your piss Drink the piss down look at it looks well like dehydrated man's piss Never live mate I've seen women's piss nearly every day.
Oh, yeah Place like the toilet with a little Yeah, why in a chamber is like a false floor of the toilet I go down the toilet the toilet where I'm saying right now How long did that take to put in a while all right? I took a few months of building after hours when she's at work I can't concentrate anyway, I can see lady piss now. So it's good for me Crack on with the show. He wants us to be funny if he doesn't think we've good Yeah, so yes, I'm gonna get shot.
I find I find that again not a problem with that. It's fine Right. I mean I win the car boot. Yeah, he's dead.
That's your nice king. I'm okay. Yeah, you're king of car boot I get wank privileges. Yeah, I didn't get wank privileges.
Oh, yeah No, I was cleaning it cleaning it with a sponge. Right. So it's high for yeah dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee Koong spat the wrong answer and everybody isEVIN I'm panicking with me guys. That's like, because the man might kill us and I'm panicking.
Blue and free? Good. I should say. Always look.
I know you're burping but always keep your face to the microphone so I can hear your pretty voice and it takes me last time to edit now as well. Just a thing mate. What do you give a shit? We just have to talk shit and type this guy as a fucking killer.
I'm up here! I'm up here! I'm up here! Fuck.
I do not get you. I hope he kills you. I can close your balls off. Well, we're going to find them.
They're you running around the room? Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
They are good friends with me. Good friends with me. Right cool. And they were visiting Drew's family in the States from the States.
And they've sent some stuff. And she brought it back. Okay. She had it to me in person.
Drew's the gumdrops. So, just like, but the first one. The first item Paul. Yeah, hit me with it.
Fish is popcorn. Ah, popcorn just tastes better. Right, what's the flavour of it? Our popcorn just tastes better.
Our, what hour? Caramel popcorn. Two o'clock. What hour?
Fuck. I can't believe you've made the two jokes. The two plans on our back. Caramel popcorn.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was carrying our popcorn with chili, which we tried before.
It wasn't too hot that jelly, but it was quite nice. It was quite nice. I was finished off by my flatmate. I was finished off by your flatmate.
Were you? I suspected it. Go on. This is caramel popcorn.
But what's the twist I hear you say? What is the twist I hear me say? I hear you say that. The twist is ball.
That's with crab spice. That's like your ball bag. I can't believe actually people actually send us money to do that. Not with that actually.
Anyway. Yes. It's like my fucking itchy nasty fishy nuts. Go on.
I want to say. You're a little bit allergic to fish. It's like a little bit of spice. It's not the actual flavourful of how to crab, but it's the type of spice you'd use if you avoid a crab.
Yeah. That's what they've done. Lovely. Now, shall I go in?
Let's go deep in the bag and pull it. It's open for you to be in this handmade. Good. Well, that means they take each individual piece of popcorn in their hand and put it into the piece of it in the oil.
Ah! I hate this job. Fucking hands burn it off. Right.
Okay. Good. Very blunt. It's paying.
Open the fucking thing. You fucking shut up. I want you to half this hard. We've got a whole show to do.
We've only got a crumb in the next 28 minutes. I can't fucking do time on panicking. Off it! I don't know.
What do you think? It's... Oh, hang on. It's got a bit of spiciness.
A little bit of spice. It smells like a... When you're into a butcher's. I can't explain it.
It's like... You want your mum's bedroom. I really hope this fucking government shoots you in the fucking head. Oh, fuck you.
Right. So, I've got some. I love one. Always not happy.
That is a very sudden reaction to disappointment. I'm going to go in. I do not like it. Now, why is that?
Describe it first fall in hell. The two flavours do not work together. They're just totally opposite flavours, aren't they? The caramel would work fine at home.
Even if it's just a crab dusting on its own on a plane. Oh, I'm finding it hard to get down. Oh, totally fucking great. This is loitering in my mouth.
It's the combination of savoury, but a really sort of spicy savoury. It's like a seasoning, you know? Uh-huh. Which is what it is.
It's a longest. I think every one piece of popcorn. It's not very nice, isn't it? For me.
It's not nice at all. For me, those flavours do not gel. They keep fighting. They keep fighting.
It's a battle. It's a battle in your mouth. And it's a bit farty. Bit farty.
You know what I'm saying? It's like that weird smell of butchers. I can't explain it. What way do you smell it of butchers?
When you first go into a butchers and that smell of dead cold bleach. It's the smell of blood you're talking about. Iron and ironies smell. It's a little bit like that, don't you think?
No, I'm not picking up on that. I do not like them. No. Right.
Out of five. I'll go for two. Two. I agree.
It's like quality. You can taste the caramel. I've got a bit of a spicy cake as well. You don't like it though.
For me, strange. It's a strange combination. Okay. Are you ready for the next one, please?
This is another one. I've got a lot of jelly bellies on this before. And here is another jelly belly product. Oh.
And this is draft beer. Oh. Oh. Jelly bellies.
That's interesting. Last one we tasted with what? Salted caramel was it? No, it was waffles and pancakes.
Yes. And it was nice to be had with one. If you had one in the multi-flavour pack, that would be great. It was a little surprise.
Whole bag. It's a bad idea. No, you can't eat the whole bag. But we also had the sours, which we're fucking lovely.
Oh, I love them. They're very nice. They were very sour. Got it.
Oh. So I wanted to start with the jelly bellies. Interesting. Made in the US, say.
Obviously. It cost $3.99. Well, Jelly Bellie do. They're a fucking gourmet bean.
They're a fucking gourmet bean. You're not a smodgy what me? You want a fucking bean? I'm not doing this character.
I'm not doing this kind of thing. I'm actually going to die that quickly. So thank you. Now I'm hoping these are a bit like...
Did you ever have those beer sweets that used to be in the one-piece selection? No, but I know what you're getting at. Those I really loved. They had a little beer flape.
They were like Colob. I just thought they were kind of like a lemonade. They were, but they weren't, they didn't have them then. Anyway, I like those.
They all soft and beery. Come on, get me some jelly baby. Give me some jelly baby. If anyone knows, by the way, what those were called?
Those beer fucking, and I think they were shaped like a beer mug. No, they were, no, little bottle wim. Maybe a little bit like yellow bottom, but like a foamy white top. I've got a foamy white top.
Oh, these smell exactly like those. I'm getting an nostalgia fucking hard on. Careful now, we're in the nostalgia zone. I'm having it.
We're deep in the nostalgia zone. So get a whiff of that on. All right, I'm having a sniff. But it's not like your feet.
I got a fucking thing. It's not a bit salty. It's not that bad feet. Yeah, a bit.
It's a beery smell. It's like a stale beer. It's almost like that smell that comes from the clats. I can't smell too much, but maybe you.
I don't know. What have you been putting up your nose? Head on in. Now fuck that.
OK. I'm taking a couple. I'm going to take a couple of two. I'm going to take a couple of two.
Right. Beer with us. Have you eaten them? I've eaten them.
I've eaten them. I like it. It's like kind of a ripple. It's like marble ripple.
I like it. There's a beer flavor jelly belly. Let's do it. Ooh.
They taste very similar to those things I was supposed to do. But if I can be adding a book to this, the flavor and the smell, it's a little bit like stinky feet. It's actually still getting up. It's still getting a bit stinky feet.
What about those? It's that fake booze waff. Yeah. The kind of, you know, you have to have a weapon of bar and you can smell all the stale booze.
That's what I was saying. It's like that. It's like that. Yeah.
Again, in a multi-bag of different flavors, that's a nice little surprise. I couldn't eat a whole fucking bag of them. No. I'm having one more.
All right. Yeah, it's a bit toenay for me. I quite like them. Yeah, they're all right.
Right, Dan, you're right. I wouldn't want a whole bag. One or two every now and then. I mean, I'll go back for more.
I know, but they're very more-ish. I'm going back for a longer one. All right. Well, what's the last thing that we've got?
We're on the clock, remember, mate. We've got to get all three of us. Don't piss him off. I've got fucking red dot on my face.
No. All right, good point. But he might be using me for a second. I understand how performer in the show.
He knows if he kills me. He's got no chance. Yeah, but he also knows if he kills me. You're never going to release another podcast in your life because you're fucking lazy, God bone-shaped, wank hammer.
I know how smart is our third item on this episode of Cheap Eats. Is that your nickname, school? No, my nickname was your cock looks like a mango. Why, I could start to get into it.
Nice one to get into it. No, it's fucking distended and weep. Right. What the fucking mango's like.
I know how smart. Right, what is it? Hello. It's another thing in America.
Talking to the microphone. I'm talking into your cunt. Come on. OK.
What does that word say? A manufacturer. Ooh-ee-hee. Ooh-ee-hee.
Ooh-ee-hee. Ooh-ee. Ooh-ee. Ooh-ee-hee.
Ooh-ee. It's a chocolate bar. It's a candy bar that makes Idaho famous. Does it?
I can't testify to the condition of this bar. OK. I think it's a bit crushed in transit. Fair enough.
It came from Idaho. But it's the fave, ultimately, the end of the day. Let's see. Now, this is an unusual item, isn't it, Paul?
It's a little bit unusual for us. You can see the pictures on our website if we live. It's got spuds in that. No, I think it's just called that.
Why? It's not like a prairie oyster doesn't have oysters in it. It's a prairie oyster. It's a cow's bollock.
No, no one's looking for a prairie oyster. But it's not the prairie. But it's an oyster, isn't it? It's not really.
You're not going to get a real oyster out there, are you? Well, play with me oysters while you're down there. You know what they call a camel's penis? A dork.
No, that's a whale's penis, isn't it? A dork. They call it a camel's penis. There's a cucumber.
Why? Yeah, come on. You've always been white. Because they call it a cow's bollock a prairie oyster.
There's only a lot of people eat camel's penis. I made that up. I'm trying to be humorous. We need to make this good.
Are you ready for my Idaho spud in your mouth? Yes, I'd like to get your spuds in my mouth as soon as possible. Idaho. It looks like...
Now, I can tell you, if I'm working, it's hairy with coconut. Oh, it's got shaving so coconut. What equivalent do we have? What they call snowballs?
Snowballs. It's a bit like that, Paul. I'm going to hand this to you. So you can take a bit off.
Grab a bit of that. It's very soft. That's why it's distended in transit. What does it appear to have inside it?
I don't know. Chocolate. It's quite nice smell. Nice smell.
Maybe that's what it is. It's coconutty. Oh, I'm going to try a bit. It's very soft.
It lacks the biscuit of a snowball. It has no structure. It has a very floppy. Anyway, I'm going to put it in my mouth.
That's deeply unpleasant. I like that. That's one usual. I've got a spongy center.
Not much smell a week. Yes. Oh, so sugary. I don't think I can get a whole one because that bite was quite nice.
It's so intense. Wow. I've got that sugary tang. Keep chocolate tends to have.
Yes, but it's really strong sweetness. It's overwhelmed with all the other flavours. It's a bit like chocolate, isn't it? It's a bit like chocolatey, isn't it?
It's like chocolate. It's like chocolate. It's a more chocolatey, isn't it? It's like chocolate, isn't it?
It's a more chocolate, isn't it? It's a dark chocolate, isn't it? It's a more chocolatey snowball lacking the biscuit in jam. That's a good description.
I guess. Can we have a score for you? Oh, wow. A five now.
We've only done five for the first one. We always do it out of five. We always do it out of five. We never do it.
Well, that's fine. It doesn't fucking matter. Out of five, I'll rate it. No, of course we do.
Otherwise, because you took the last one with seven. I know, but you said out of ten. I'm going to go all over your lane. You fucking knobs.
You're just fucking move on from your fucking verbal dyslexia. Anyway, here we go. I'm going to give that out of five. Yes.
Three and a half. Three and a half of me as well, Paul. We're in agreement. It's not a successful segment of the cheap show.
Yeah, fine. All right. Let me pick the phone. Hang on.
Mate, are you there still? Mate, are you there? How did that go? Do you like us?
No, we didn't get sent Chris this time. I wanted to see Chris. We don't have Chris, but we're going to do Chris. Your mortality is descending.
Pardon or thunder on a cloud of purple meaning. That's very eloquent for a psychopath. Don't take a piss out of me. I'm not taking a piss out of you.
I'm just saying you're eloquent for a psychopath. Most of them are a bit mumbling. How many of you met? Fuck all now.
One now, haven't I? You haven't met me. You don't know who I am. Just know this.
Yeah. The quality of the show better improve. Right. You have.
I don't know. We've got like 28 minutes to get me out. I'm not keeping count. But you're a terrorist, shouldn't you be on the club?
I'm a terrorist. I'm your bigest fan. No. Why are you doing this then to us?
If you're a bigest fan. You need to improve the quality. Oh, what? My friend is with death.
That's how you do it. I'm a gun. The bullet would be different because it would be in the gun. The point is, is that Eli, say something to him.
You can't! Don't… Where are you? Fuck off. Thank you.
And the award for best. Cameo supporting role in a podcast goes to Eli, the hack-silvoman. I'm just going to kill you now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't kill us now. We've got one more segment to do, mate. Oh, yeah. It's a price of shite.
It's old school price of shite. I just remembered something. I haven't taken the price stickers off. Oh, that's not boating well.
Let me write it down quick. Don't kill me. Don't kill me. last chance.
Paul, this is just typical you isn't it? I do a tale from the dance floor. Anyway I was DJing the other day. You pick that up in my eye line.
I was DJing and some guy came up and he said are you going to play? Which was a novel way of asking for a song. He said are you going to play Lost in Music? I'm caught in a trap.
I said no. I'm going to play the dance floor. I've got the practice ready now mate. I'm ready to go with the next one.
I was like for the shit tells me that. No there's a little ancillary. Let me finish. I'm going to finish.
Someone came up and said are you going to play Manita? Well by call a notes. That's not appropriate for your night. No.
I said no. Anytime. I always want the guards. Oh mate please don't kill us.
Please don't kill us. Please don't kill us. Alright, please just shut it. Alright.
So you're going to listen to this next section as well now Mr. Madman. Yes. Alright I'll put you back on the phone.
I'm going to put him back here. Okay. That's right. Lucky bastard.
It's the lucky bastard. It's the lucky bastard. Oh it's the lucky bastard. That's right.
That's right. Yeah that's right. So alright. That's right.
That's right. This is a theme to all the presents. I can't panic. Okay, I'm really panicking now.
That's right. Shut up. You fucking stop it. We've got 25 minutes.
That's right mate. Seriously? No. I'm fucking out.
How's that going to help if you fucking kill me? Well then he'll kill me and then she'll be over for good then won't it? Well, that's not good. That wouldn't be good.
That wouldn't be good. That's right. Shut up. I've got three items.
I'm going to drink this and then I'm going to drink it down. You drink that is put me on edge. I'm drinking it right down mate. I can't bear this.
I can't bear the stress of you. Stop it. Stop drinking all the piss. Three.
Right. I've got five items. Okay. Five.
Three. I've got three items. Okay. And they've all, there's a theme to all three in that your intellect will be challenged by them.
Oh. So first I'll show you now. I'll show you now. I'm actually really really proud of right.
Let's see it. Because I haven't taken the price to go off. Fuck me. It's all right.
I've got it. That's the one thing you need to do. Shut up. Apart from buying the eyes.
I'm just going to hand it to you. Two things you need to do with every item. Buy it and take the price to make. I didn't expect that.
That's literally it. That's right. I didn't expect to have a good one point about me today. That's right.
You know what I think is one of our makes to be shot in the face. That's right. That's right. That's right.
That's right. That's right. Right. Here's the first item.
Okay. What? It's fucking two pounds. What?
No. I'm not looking at it. Take it seriously. What do you think it is?
Now he's handed me an object here with what? With a little booklet which says now you've got it. Yeah. Exclamation marks.
What the fuck is this? What is it? You get a little sticker with it. That's a little disk-shaped object.