No fucking about Eli Dunian Troke, come on, come on, come on boy. I'm not, it's, it really puts me off if you do it like that. Because I know you just shut it up. Hello everybody, it's me, Eiselman.
It's Cheap Show Time again, the week is rolled around, it's time for the Smellongus, Paul Gannon. The Smellongus, Paul Gannon welcomes you and everyone to Cheap Show. Smellongus. Hey you and your fucking mood for Pussy.
What's up, mood? What's up, cheap show? Good to have you. I'm doing all sorts.
Hello, it's the Economy Comedy Podcast back again for more economy-based delights. I'm your host Paul Gannon and with me is my good friend. Why are you doing an intro now? My intro sufficed, man.
Honestly, I do, you know what Paul, we should fucking completely drop this whole charade of you doing the intro Eli. It sucks. What do you want to do instead? Well I just listen to you, wait her on.
It can't be a kind of you, it can't be a good girl. It's just a radio voice. It's not what, it's not what you're about, man. What am I about?
Come on, what am I about? I'll just not that, you know. What am I about? Smells.
Why are you wearing sunglasses? It's sunny in the house of pickles, man. Yeah, we're back in the house of pickles for another exciting edition of your favourite podcast. Oh he's doing it again?
No, he can't. Stop introducing the fucking show. Stop. What have we got coming up on the show, Paul?
I don't want to tell you now. No, that's fine. He put me right off. I had my professional voice on.
I was doing the introduction telling you listeners perhaps what the show's about. You got to remember some might be telling you for the first time. Okay. But you got to welcome them in.
Right. You can't make special allowances to the cheap skates out there who remain right on. Look, what's the show about Paul? It doesn't matter anymore.
Oh, it doesn't matter anymore. He just said he matters anymore. No, it doesn't now. Nothing.
You make things not matter. Yes, thank you. No, it's not something to be proud of that. Why?
It doesn't matter. There is a solid love. If it doesn't matter, if I make things not matter, it doesn't matter that I make things not matter. Does it Paul?
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's good. I've won.
I'm in the universe because nothing matters. I'm anti-matter. Oh yeah. I'm uncle matter.
No, no, no. I'm all fine and all still. Do you know? No little creatures going to swabble in here.
This happens. No, no, we just ran past. There goes another one here. Oh, the Hunter Pickles is full of them.
What are those crazy creatures? Well, maybe find out what they were showing. They could be a part of the show. The Scribbles.
No, there's no big scribbles. You just did. It was now invented to scribble. Great mouthwork.
Great mouthwork. Thank you. What have we got coming up on the show? I'll tell you what's coming up on the show.
The Economy Comedy Podcast celebrating all the show. No, you don't have to say that again. Oh, look at me. You might as well just have a little machine.
He says he can't be covered. He can't be covered. He can't play it again and again and again. Right, so I've got to do some hotels from the shop floor.
They've got some of those coming in. That's nice. We're going back to Eli's vinyl platter. We haven't gone that in a little while.
So looking forward to some interesting tunes there. Three selections from Silverlands Platter today. Looking forward to those. And then something we haven't done in a while.
Again, I thought we could try Story Cubes. We went to a charity shop and saw these really good Rory Story Cubes. Rory Story Cubes. The Recognised Brand on the Hiju.
Yeah, again, that's Orange. Rory Story. Very poor. Did you have to deliver to you in a lorry?
In a lorry. Rory, lorry, storage. Rory, lorry, storage. We're having a lot of laughs.
I'm not. Come on then. We're doing that. We're doing that.
We're doing that. We're doing that. We're doing that. Rory Story Cubes.
Rory Story Cubes. Yes. Because I got them in a charity shop for £1.50. Because they usually go for a tenner I think.
Look at what I'd expensive. We did it before. They weren't exactly the height of literature's. I just agree.
I thought mine was a classic story for children. Now what was it with Mr. Barney Poo? Who's name changed twice?
I can't remember it. You can't remember it. You're own masterwork. It's in the episode that one.
Episode. I don't know. It's that one where we ate the noodle. The dragonforster today eat the noodle.
No, there was no dragon. I don't know what you're talking about. We went up a hill. No.
And the dragonforster's to eat a noodle. That never happened. It is not canon. We had a nip to say, you know.
It is not canon. I'll keep showing. I'll get the clip and I can fucking play it to you. But you won't.
So, it doesn't matter. It never happened. So what's that last thing you said that we're going to do? Story Cubes.
It's so thrilling to me that I can remember it. What does that do? I'm doing the link noise for myself. I'm doing another one.
I'm doing an infrontment. Why don't you pick the chicken in your hand? Is that good? No.
I've got sound effects. I'll just say, all right. We'll see you in the next bit in the show. Go on, do that.
Let's see what happens in the next bit of the show. Fucking lack the mic. It's just a wanker. All right.
Fuck off. Wow. Tails from the shop floor. It's our favourite time of the show where we read out your letters without giving them a proper read first and rolling the dice on whether they're good or not.
So, would you like to read the first one? All right. Let me have a little look. All right.
Let me have a little look. See what we got there. Okay. So, what you like to read is called, you know, I won't read the title because I think I've read this one very briefly.
It's good to bother. All right. Don't read the title out, but it's a little bit. This is not Ask Silverman.
No. No one's asking Silverman she. Anymore because they don't like Silverman's answers. They don't because you know what, Paul, to paraphrase a quote because they can't handle the truth.
That's why. No one wants to hear the truth. Oh, Eli, what do you favourite? Why don't you fuck off?
Look, I'm just like to defend myself slightly on that one. Yeah. Well, it's like asking someone what their favourite thing is. Come on.
What do they want to know? It's a silly thing. I don't have favourite things. You don't.
You go through life and there's things you like. There's things you like one day or maybe you don't like them so much. You have a day and you get tired of them. You over exposed.
Do you know what I mean? Read the story. It's a stupid fucking thing. Read the story.
I don't have favourite things. I don't have favourite things. I don't have favourite things. I can indulge it.
Well, when did I die? When did it die within you? What? When did that little light of hope and joy go out?
Well, I got joy. I just don't have favourite. OK, so, what are you trying to say right now? I'm sorry.
Are you fucking trying to say right now? Yeah. In order to have joy and hope in one's life you must have favourite things. Categories of things.
No. What? That is a crock of shit. You know it when I expose it like that.
I'm fucking taking you. You're woolly thinking on any of this. What I'm saying is that one statement you don't have favourite things is a small piece of a logical puzzle. Makes the question that is where's your soul gone.
Oh, I'm just saying. The song doesn't exist Paul. You die. That's the imapal.
You haven't got of soul. When we talk about the song, we talk about more kind of, you know, we've bigger things. Something you can't explain properly. Good.
Right. Move to a paranormal and motive moment. A paranormal, emotive moment. Yeah.
I'll just leave it there. Shall I? Yeah. Fine.
Right. Tell us from the shop floor, everybody, for our people who might be listening for the first night, Paul. Yeah. It's a section of the show where our listeners write letters in and we read them out and we have a little bit of feedback about them, don't we?
We do, don't we? We have a little bit of two in the throw. A little bit of back and forth, healthy banterage. What's it called?
Bandinage. Bandinage. Bandinage. Alex Chan.
Great. Hey, Alex. Wait till she says hello. Oh, hey.
Hey, Paul and Eli. Hey. Alex in BC Canada here. How are we talking about the conversation?
How are we not? No, if you keep interrupting me. I'm trying to read the letter now. Here.
Alex in BC Canada. Where's BC? British Columbia. Thank you.
Yeah. So that's the North. It's the North East. It's the North East part of Canada.
Is it a multi town? British, because, oh, no, we don't care as well. Do we really? Well, you don't have to always say that, Paul.
You don't have to always say that. Good point. Thank you. If anyone were to benefit from this situation, I recently found myself in.
It'd be you, yes. Give it up. You're turning ship, piss, vomit, nucas. We'll take it.
We'll take it. We'll take it all leakage into content, into narrative. We take it, we compress it all up, into a little pellet. Yeah.
And then push it out and push it out. Okay. My local BC SPCA, which is the British Columbia Society for the Prevention of Quality Animals. You've got a thrift store.
It's a veritable treasure trove of goodies. A half-mad fans of second-hand merchandise such as myself. Good. I'm a half-mad fan of second-hand merchandise as well.
We're all half-mad. Shull the high stacks of movies, piles of rusty power tools, shelves full of dusty glassware, obsolete electronics, CDs, books, furniture, old clothes, and, on particular notes, a yellow plastic milk crate filled full of porn DVDs. Yeah, it gets dark. It's dark, cold, cramped, and in its own way, strangely charming.
I think I'll watch that one. I'm actually liking the approach, the atmospherics of the joy of thrift storeings. Well, charity shopping. Alex, we both know it's cramped.
You're in there. Yeah. Oh, what's this snow globe? It's a little kind of thunder though.
What's this snow globe? Is it snow globe leaking? Smells a bit funny. It just does, isn't it?
No. It's never snow. And you ever smell a leaky snow globe? No, I've never listened to the melts.
And leaky snow globe. Well, you haven't lived. You've got soulless. You don't seek out new...
I would argue a man with no soul smells leaky snow globes. OK, that's a sentence you never thought you'd ever thought you'd ever thought. It's very difficult as well. I had to really take myself slowly through it.
You've got that full, nice. OK. So he or she has just said, a funny old, frits old. Yeah, a funny old place.
We like it. Recently, I was taking a peek around the book section and I did something out of the ordinary. A tall drinking glass filled with... Mmm.
A tall drinking glass filled with orange, yellowish liquid. Right. Sitting top of a low bookshelf in a hidden corner. What could that be?
My naive mind wondered. Ah, surely one of the employees forgot about their beverage while moving some shelving units. But what were they drinking? Well, it looks like some sort of tropical fruit juice.
Oh, perhaps flat beer. No, it's surely not piss. I gave it a sniff. It was piss.
It was piss. Ladies and gentlemen, if you played at home you could now cross off the It's Melted Piss square on your bingo card. At the risk of getting a little too in depth, it's now particularly strong and concentrated. I know.
I know. It's not a bit of a mess. Some of the water has been allowed to evaporate off the piss and it boils down. It boils down into what can be called double concentrated.
What's that? The squash brand? What's the actual brand name? Robinson's piss double concentrated.
That wasn't worth getting. It wasn't worth getting. I'm just trying. I'm trying.
I can't always. No, no, no, but it's a good effort. It wasn't. It's now particularly strong and concentrated.
This combined with the dark yellow coloration leads me to believe that it either belonged to someone who was dangerously dehydrated likely a homeless person denied use of the washroom or two prads to ask or had been stewing there for quite some time. What do you think, Paul? Let's get the detective wee wee out here. No, no.
A lot. My name is Detective O.E.B. and what's your specialty officer? I like sniffing piss.
Okay. Let me see. Now what we were wondering. Show me the evidence.
Inspector. I'm wondering whether this is a piss here. It's just been left a long time or it's some trampus. Well, is this a dehydrated person's fresh piss?
Is this an abnormally hydrated person? These things let me get the little grey cells going and I shall sniff the piss like so. Oh, that is dang shit man. That's all.
That's, that's what. That's what. That's a relaxing. You sell all that stuff.
This has come from the piss of a tramp. Your cantilets is sticky, it is dehydrated. It is strong. It is sad.
I didn't think of me crying. Inspector wee wee wee wee. I've never been so moved at the crime scene before. Okay, Inspector wee wee wee we'll call you.
Thank you very much. That's all right. That's all right. That's all right.
Okay, goodbye. Thank you. Well, how long it take? Nine minutes.
I'm a character. Nine minutes and there was an encounter. Into this segment. Okay.
They're all based around shit and piss arc out because they're all biscuits. Usually, they'll call Barry. Okay. But with that's our thought.
Is that really you? What Paul you would think? That it was a tramp? I think it would have been doing there.
The thing is when you think about the situation it's like who did the glass come from outside? It's not sounds to me like. I'm not having to look at the end of the story or anything. Yeah.
That it was a staff member. Like some really bored teenager just got a piss in the corner and then forgot about it or something. Or left it on purpose. Yeah, well just got your business.
I'm pissed in the glass. I left it in the corner. Whatever the origin, Alex continues. Okay.
I gagged. Were you trying to do another character then? No. No, good.
Whatever the origin I gagged and promptly placed the glass back on the bookshop being careful not to spill any of its contents. I quickly notified the shopkeeper who disposed of it in the toilet and then to my relief tossed the glass in the garbage and not back on the glassware shelf. Yeah. Following this episode I bought my items to the Till DVDs of the Born Identity and the Kill Bill movies along with a small whiskey glass.
As the shopkeeper was ringing me up, I quipped that this glass would be used strictly for drinking. To which he laughed and not to dollar off my title. Effectically he could take the glass for free. He'd not have the total.
And then he would use my bill by a dollar after knocking one off my turtle. That's what it says here. I think he's a total wrong. No, no, no.
Effectively he'd give me the glass for free. No, I felt that I learned it. Yeah. Thanks for all that you do.
Love the shokey of the great work. Alex from British Columbia Canada. Thank you. That was a very good letter.
Yeah. Full of incidents. Very good letter. Very beautiful.
And she did a little joke. I like to think of her as a she. No, I don't. I'm handling some piss.
Yeah. You can really handle the piss, Paul. Literally not. No, he didn't.
What was that for? I've got something to say. Right? Yeah.
It wasn't about drunk. No. Could you be waddling around like a pissed up box? This reminds me I've got a little tail on the shop for all myself.
You were witnessing, weren't you? What? Because maybe think of it is when Alex said that he made little joke to the shopkeeper. Oh, is this your?
Yeah. I tried it the other day. When I was buying you a kebab, yeah? Because you had trouble in there before.
Not trouble. They just ignored you. They ignored you. They didn't want to fix your thing.
Really? Yeah. But anyway, so I went back in there because you like the deal, don't you? It's a chicken donut.
It's a chicken donut with Coke for a fibre. Great deal. It's nice. Lovely.
Fresh off the things. Yeah. Donut. Nice salad.
Bit of sauce. When you want to get a bit dirty. Not a bad thing. It's not a bad option.
So I went back to get it for you. You did. And here in Haringate, where I reside, there's a large Turkish population. There is Kurdish and Greek, Cypriots, and a lot of other.
Other. And other. It's a big multicultural mix. But there's a lot of Turkish businesses and restaurants.
Yeah. And this is one of them that we were in. Yeah. And this is one of them for this Turkish musician who's got a big beard and long brown hair.
Similar to the look I sport most of the time. Yeah. And there was a flier. As I'm waiting for him to fix your kebab.
I see this flier of this guy. I think I'll make a little joke. He's got bad. So I picked it up, pointed at it, pointed my face.
And the guy who was looking at me came to look like I'm going to strangle you. He didn't comprehend the joke. But also seemed to sort of take offence. Wow.
He gave me a look like a really cold stare, basically. You fucking idiot. Yeah. And then I put it down.
And now I'm wondering did that man spit in my kebab? He said double check because he started mumbling to the other guys. Yeah. He turned these mumbling to the other guys.
And yeah, I did check. No fluids seemed to go from their mouth into the kebab. Thank you. It was really one of those mumbling.
This joke's not working. So I didn't get a quid knocked off my turtle for that. No, you didn't. Next story.
Oh, knock a quid off my turtle. This one comes from Patrick Waters. And it goes like this. Waters.
W-A-T-T-E-R-S. Waters. Fucking. I don't trust this.
I don't trust this. What? You're telling me if someone had was called John Coneyhole. Right?
You wouldn't say anything. I might think he was Dutch. Hello. Coneyhole.
Hello. I'd like to schmuck and my name is Coneyhole. Hey, look at the fucking character. Hey.
Yeah. Coneyhole. Yeah. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit.
You should have done my thing. You should have made Coneyhole talk to you. You're paying for your business. What is this?
John Coneyhole. Coneyhole. Right. We've lost Eli.
Right. Read the letter from fucking Weirdo Waters. Patrick. Right.
Hello Paul and Eli. Hello. Waters. A few years ago.
What can you do? Well, I got to use my name. Yeah. Paul.
Yeah. Eli down. Good. Oh, back Donald.
How the fuck? Eli. Do you think that's happened to me? Yeah.
Okay. So what is can fuck up? Sorry, Patrick. Anyway, he says, I was sensitive.
A few years ago, I spent some time unemployed. Oh. So to keep myself busy did some volunteering in the charity shop and thought I'd share two strange donations I encountered. Don't worry.
There's no poo or dead animals. Yeah. But that leaves a whole realm. I have a fluid.
Dead things. Yeah. Fine. One story involves a local nightclub shutting down and very kindly donated the contents of their lost and founds to us.
Mostly it was abandoned coats but being in Glasgow we had to be very careful to check the pockets. A lot of it was what you'd expect. Lost keys, cheap booze, mysterious pills, et cetera. One jacket, however, mystified me to this day.
First off, it looked like something a 19th century soldier would wear. So it had a pull-its. Big brass buttons. Yeah.
Big brass buttons. The whole shebang. Secondly, it was absolutely stuffed with condoms. Literally hundreds of them.
I was pulling them out by the fistful like Magician Stomp. Yeah. And every pocket was brimming and there was even a hole in the lining filled with Johnny's. I wish any more about this time traveling sex pest.
It was a Johnny jacket. Yeah. He's optimistic isn't he? I'll get through all these in one night.
Well, maybe he was a transdimensional fuck monster. Oh, I like that character. What's he sound like? I'm the soldier of fuck.
I am the soldier of fuck. I'm the soldier of fuck. He doesn't sound like that. He involves your stupid, gee blit warbling move with your finger.
You know what's here ever again? I want to hear it. I don't. Well, you're mean.
See how annoying it is? Anyway, another time we were given a large bag of Xbox 360 games. Being fond of gaming, I volunteered to sort the bag and check if there was anything I'd like for myself. Of course you would.
Of course you would. Back from where is it? Just as large bags as I really say where. So you don't know shit.
He's very honest. He's very honest. But I mean, he's not meant to do that. Stealing from charity, which is what I can't would do.
What is? Sorry. Fuck you now. No, why'd you get a look for it yourself?
He might have gone all that when I put four quid in the box. Yeah, fair enough. He fucking judgmental prick. Yeah, he just didn't...
How Haha, weird, yeah you've internalised me. You're like fucking Google You got this model of me Belly Bhilthum Weird bitch! Anyway, shut it. You went for the bag of check-ins, anything you like for yourself.
Unfortunately, most of the cases were empty and the ones that weren't mostly old FIFA games. Shit. I had a lot of computer games in. Yeah, however, I noticed something strange about some of the boxes, they were fizzling with tiny, almost microscopic Brown balls.
What do you think? What do you think? It's not bad. It's not poo because he said there's no poo in this.
No, well that is true. Like I won. Initially, I thought they would just do it. But the school would soon otherwise.
They were spider eggs. Oh, yeah. I know this because some of them had hatched and the resulting spiders seemed quite keen to get out of the Forza box they'd just been living in. Wow.
Anyway, I've rambled enough. Hope you get amusement out of these. Yes, Patrick. We did.
We did, Patrick. I thank you. Have you ever seen spider eggs? No.
I think that video online where a guy matches the spider with the broom and it bursts into like a cow's spice. A lot of species they live on the back after they've hatched. There's been some big ones in my flat rate lately. Really?
Yeah, it's the time of year, isn't it? You get those ones this time of year? I've seen them in the garden. Yeah, big with the big, the big, the big, the big, the big, old, thick legs.
Oh. I guess that's the, the, the, the, the, the. Have you got a problem as well? I don't, but my girlfriend does.
And it's a massive problem. I literally have to do spot checks every night. It's a strange fear because they can't reput their finger on why it. It's because they skitter in the good, but people have a sort of irrational, real and it's weird.
Yeah, but you know, because they're not actually dangerous. No, not really. On the, on the whole, they're not dangerous. I remember one time.
Right. Especially in this country. How do we have a genetic? Well, no, no, no, no.
I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. I remember one time when I was growing up, I wanted a cup of tea and all the cups were dirty. So I just reached for the top mug at the very top shelf, right?
And I pulled it down and it wasn't, it was a big glass of milk that I wanted. So I got it out and I pulled milk into it and I put the cup to my mouth and I was the milk pulled in. I saw these kind of big black legs slide and then I felt the spider slide into my mouth and it took them to the top of my mouth. It was wriggly.
No, because it was dead but it was all curled up. It was all, and it slipped down into the back of my throat. And it all came out again. And to this, yeah, you've made yourself all puking.
You twillook. Well, I won't be telling that story again. It's such a dovel. Well, that was Tails on the shop.
Oh, you're on a shop floor. What's the blaster? What is that? At least use words.
What? Don't do that. Look, give me a proper word. They're so good doing that.
It's a pleasant to look at and pleasant to hear. OK, OK. Just give me, say that was my segment by. You are such a...
HE HE HE He's written physical violence. Ooh, he really threatened it. HE LAUGHS Sure. Well, it's that time of the show again, where we delve into Eli's box of vinyl and find some platter that matter.
I've taken some platter, so they're going to splatter them on their hat. Great. Great start. Start off confidently.
Found out great and then it's a word. It's a word mash in your flat beaded face. I'm having a hard time. Why?
Because... Wow. Attractive. Oh, all right, Paul.
Are you drunk? Seriously, you were bumping into stuff earlier. I was a fellow with the chair of the kitchen. You know, I could keep dropping.
Let's try this and try to this section again. Eli, before we continue on this podcast, are you drunk? I don't get like this when I'm drunk. No, we know what you get, like.
Yeah. Oh, I don't know what... That's just you in there. At least I'll get very male-rapy.
I don't get that. Well, you can deny it as much as you like. But I've been at the end of it and so far, I've been at the end of it. I have been at the rough end of it.
You've been at the end of it. Yes, I have. It's a rough, more friendly. Niffy end of it.
I'm just more friendly with you when I'm like that. Yeah. Touchy friendly. But it's you, baby friendly.
It's your fault because you dress always attractive. I can't help. That's not a victim blame. It's you who dress that.