Welcome to The Daily Ascent. I'm Molly Carmel and this is the podcast I always wish existed. A bike-sized on the ground, spiritual note that can shift your thinking and your outlook on life to help make us all a little bit more awake, alive, and ascending. So today I want to talk about a conversation that I had with one of my closest friends, like my family, and a question that a lot of people love to ask.
So I was visiting with one of my dearest friends, Jay. He is my bestie. My family, I'm the godmother to his two boys, like a big fan, I adore him. And so, you know, we were taking a walk, catching up on life as you do with the people that you love, and we were going through our checklist, right?
Like, how's work? How's the family? How's the kids? How's Danny?
And then he gets to it. The question. So, what's going on with the love life? And I smiled.
I giggled a little. Because I don't know. So many people in my life love to ask me this question and maybe even seem to be more focused on my love life than I am, which is one of the points of this episode. And so here's what I told him.
I said, you know, I am in a space right now where I am completely fully 1 billion percent open to love, completely door wide open, I'm not bitter, I'm not shut down. I'm not in some like, I don't need anyone mode and I'm really not focused on it. Because here's my truth. I have a really beautiful life.
Like, I have quality and quantity of a friendship that people would dream of, like just a ton of really beautiful, intimate friends that I love deeply. I have friends that are family, I have family that's family, I mean, I have a lot that fills me up. I have work that lights me on fire. I do creative things.
Like, it's a good, good life. It's a genuinely rich life. And you know, I've been around, I've been around for a while and I know myself well enough at this point to know what happens when my focus shifts to a thing that I think I need. And listen, it doesn't even have to be a romantic partner.
I mean, it could be a bag. It could be a trip. It could be an outcome in my business. It could literally be anything.
And the second that I lock onto the thing that I decide I need in order to be okay, I become miserable and like miserable is a compliment, right? I become myopically focused, single-minded on that one thing, unable to see anything else. And along with that, if that wasn't bad enough, I stop being grateful, I stop being present and honestly my spirituality goes down the tubes because this grasping takes me completely out of my life. And that's the pattern.
And what I know to be true and really listen up to this, it's like this thing that I'm chasing is not the problem. The chasing is the problem, right? This idea that there is some future version of my life where everything is finally in place. That's what actually robs me of this beautiful life that's already here.
And honestly, this is a really good life. It's really one that if you told me I had 20 years ago, I would have been astounded. It's a life that I prayed for, right? And it's one that deserves my full attention.
So when my friend asked me that question, I wasn't performing, but it was a great performance and I'm just kidding. I wasn't really performing peace about being single. I wasn't pretending that I don't want love because I do. I was just explaining like that I'm here in my life in it, right?
And I'm settled in a way that I think surprised him because when people ask me that question, they I think expect like the dating app stories or the I'm not ready yet, right? Or the I'm putting myself out there. I don't know that people expect someone who's just cool with where they are, right? Just loving their life or trying to, right?
Imperfectly. And this is what we call a dialectic. There are two things that seem like opposites that seem like they can't both be true at the same time, but they are. And my dialectic right now is that I am completely open to romantic love and I'm completely focused on the beauty of the relationships and the life that I already have.
I'm not choosing one over the other. I'm holding them both in both hands. And let me tell you something, there is so much peace in that place. I've tried it other ways and this way rocks.
So our pocket seats today is simple pimple, my friends. It is just this prayer that I heard in one of the many circles that I am blessed to sit in. And it's a prayer that I come back to all the time. And here's what it is.
Help me to want what I have and not have what I want. One more time. Help me to want what I have, not have what I want. Sit with that one for a second, right?
In Buddhism, there's this concept of grasping that I'm talking about today and it's really considered one of the root causes of suffering, right? Not wanting, but grasping, the clinging, that white knuckling towards the thing that you've decided you need in order to be okay. And what the Buddhists teach is that it's not the desire that makes you suffer. It's the attachment to the outcome.
It's the belief that you cannot be whole until that thing arrives. And so that prayer for me is my version of releasing the grasp, right? It doesn't mean stop dreaming. It doesn't mean give up on wanting things.
It means turn your attention towards what's already here. Stop scanning the horizon for the one thing that's missing and actually look at what's in front of you. Because what's in front of you is probably pretty extraordinary if you let yourself see it. And so our word of the day today is settled.
Not in like settling for less, don't worry, not in like giving up, but is it settled like grounded, landed at home in your own life. That was the energy that I was in when Jay asked me that question. I wasn't performing piece about being single. I wasn't pretending I don't want love.
I was just grateful for my life and in it, right? And that settledness is what people respond to. It's what really surprised him. It actually settled him in a way.
Because so many people are so busy chasing what's next that we forget to arrive where we already are. And so many of us are living in the gap, right? The gap between where we are and where we think we're supposed to be. When we can do this with love or our bodies or our careers or our paths to recovery, you know, we're constantly measuring the distance between here and there.
And honestly, that distance can make you very, very, very miserable. But what if you could practice this dialectic? Like what if we could hold both? What if we could be completely open to what's coming and completely present to what's here?
I mean, that's really the practice because the people in your life right now, right? The friendships, the work you're doing, the Tuesday afternoon moments with your puppy, like that's not the waiting room. That's the life. And if we're so focused on this one thing that we don't have, that we can't see the 10 things that we do, like, I think we're missing the whole point, guys, right?
And listen, I'm human. I'm not saying I don't want things. I want things. I dream big and I want you to do the same.
Leave that door wide open. But stop letting what you don't have rob you of what you do. Wanting what you have is this daily on purpose practice. It's turning your attention towards what's here.
And when you can do that, pinky swear, something wild happens. You stop chasing and you stop performing and you stop auditioning for a life that you think you're supposed to have and you just land, right? And you land into the life that's already yours. So our reflective question for the day.
What are you so focused on not having that you're missing what's already here? And listen, I am right here with you as senders, pinky swear on that. I am practicing, practicing, practicing, wanting what I have. And if this episode moved you, send it along.
I'm all about getting this as sender crew, large and in charge, right? So until then, I'll see you next episode. Bye.