Ep165: The Healing Fantasy with Jessica Van der Merwe

Send us Fan MailYou can ask for something small, like a knock before someone enters your space, and suddenly you’re defending your character, calming their emotions, and questioning your own reality. That spiral is not a personal failure, it’s often a predictable pattern in relationships with emotionally immature parents and other emotionally immature people. We talk about why “just set a boundary” can backfire for adult children of dysfunctional families, how guilt hijacks the nervous system, and why the aftermath can feel so lonely and disorienting.Jessica breaks down DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) in plain language and explains how it fuels the crazy-making loop that pulls you back into caretaking. From there, we dig into the “healing fantasy” (a term from psychologist Lindsay Gibson): the relentless hope that if you find the perfect words, do enough therapy, or become “good enough,” they’ll finally see you, validate you, and change. We also explore how that fantasy can quietly migrate into partnerships, friendships, and work, placing impossible pressure on other people to heal childhood wounds.We end with real, grounded hope: trauma may be part of your story, but it doesn’t have to be your identity. We discuss grief work, inner child work, parts work, and rebuilding self-trust so your past can be true without wrecking you. If this conversation resonates, subscribe for more trauma-informed therapy conversations, share it with someone who needs language for what they’re living, and leave a review so more listeners can find the show.This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcastIf you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns, please contact 988 or seek a treatment provider in your area.If you are a therapist or psychologist and want to be a guest on the show, please complete this form to apply: https://forms.gle/ooy8QirpgL2JSLhP6Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at [email protected] the showwww.bethtrammell.com