Episode 107 What If We’ve Been Designing Connection All Wrong?

What If We’ve Been Designing Connection All Wrong? When I started the Sober Life Rocks podcast, I knew I wanted our conversations to reach beyond sobriety. Yes, we talk about alcohol, but that’s rarely where the story ends. What fascinates me are the bigger questions: How do we connect? What helps people feel like they belong? And what would it look like if we intentionally designed our workplaces, celebrations, and communities to make connection easier for everyone? Those questions are what led me to invite Eming Piansay onto the podcast. On paper, Eming is an event strategist, journalist, and storyteller. But after spending an hour with her, I realized she’s also a student of human behavior. She notices things most of us barely register: where people naturally gather when they walk into a room, how conversations begin, why some spaces immediately put people at ease while others leave them searching for somewhere to stand. As she described what she’s observed over years of attending and producing events, I found myself thinking less about conferences and cocktail receptions and more about the subtle ways we’ve all learned to navigate social situations. Whether we’re walking into a networking event, a wedding reception, or a neighborhood barbecue, many of us arrive carrying the same quiet uncertainty. We wonder who we’ll talk to, whether we’ll fit in, and how we’ll bridge those awkward first few minutes before a real conversation begins. For decades, we’ve accepted alcohol as the answer to that discomfort. It’s become the default icebreaker, the centerpiece of celebrations, and the unspoken invitation to relax. But listening to Eming, I started wondering whether we’ve confused the tool with the outcome. Maybe people aren’t actually looking for a drink. Maybe they’re looking for connection. That question stayed with me long after our conversation ended. What Event Planners See That Most of Us Miss One of the advantages of planning events, Eming explained, is that you spend a lot of time simply watching people. Almost immediately after guests begin arriving, familiar patterns emerge. There are the groups who already know one another. They’re easy to spot because conversation flows effortlessly. They’re laughing before they even enter the room, picking up stories where they left off and naturally gravitating toward one another. Then there are the people who came hoping to meet someone new. They’re introducing themselves, asking thoughtful questions, searching for common ground. And then there are the people standing just outside the conversation. We’ve all been that person at one time or another. Maybe they’re attending alone. Maybe they’re naturally introverted. Maybe they’re wondering how to join a conversation that already seems complete. As Eming described these moments, I realized something that hadn’t occurred to me before. Before anyone says a word, most of us arrive carrying the same thing: a little uncertainty. Some people simply hide it better than others. That observation feels especially important right now. We hear so much about loneliness and disconnection, yet we often assume everyone else has figured out how to navigate social situations. In reality, many people are quietly hoping someone will make the first move. Shared Experiences Make Better Conversations One of my favorite parts of our discussion centered on something wonderfully simple. People connect more naturally when they have something to do together. Think about how different it feels to stand alone holding a drink versus preparing a meal with someone, taking a cooking class, exploring a new city, or even waiting together in line for great food. Suddenly, conversation doesn’t have to be manufactured. It grows naturally out of the shared experience. As Eming talked, I found myself thinking about how humans have always gathered. Long before conference centers and cocktail receptions, people connected around campfires, shared meals, worked side by side, and told stories while their hands were busy. Breaking bread has never just been about eating. It’s been one of humanity’s oldest ways of building trust and creating community. Maybe that’s what so many of us are craving today. Not another drink. Another reason to gather. Choosing Intention Instead of Autopilot Our conversation eventually shifted from event design to Eming’s own relationship with alcohol, and it became clear that her perspective had been shaped long before she ever attended her first networking event. Alcoholism had touched her family before she was born. Her grandfather struggled with alcohol until her mother gave him an ultimatum after having children: if he wanted to be part of his grandchildren’s lives, he needed to stop drinking. He did. By the time Eming knew him, he was sober, but the family’s story remained. Growing up with that history gave her an awareness that many people never have. She understood that alcohol misuse wasn’t simply something that happened somewhere else. Like so many of us, she still entered a culture where drinking was simply what adults did. Coworkers met at the neighborhood bar after work. Friends gathered over cocktails. Celebrations naturally revolved around alcohol. She wasn’t questioning it because almost no one was. Until she did. Rather than waiting for alcohol to become a problem, she asked herself a different question: Is this serving me? I love that question because it isn’t rooted in fear or judgment. It’s rooted in curiosity. Whether someone identifies as sober, sober curious, drinks occasionally, or simply wants to be more intentional, that’s a question all of us can ask about almost any habit in our lives. Is the Bar Really Creating Connection? One observation from Eming has stayed with me ever since we recorded this episode. She pointed out that people often head straight to the bar—not necessarily because they want a drink, but because they want something to do. Standing in line provides structure. Ordering gives you a script. Holding a glass gives your hands somewhere to rest while you look around the room. In other words, the bar has quietly become our social safety blanket. The more I thought about that, the more profound it seemed. Perhaps alcohol isn’t creating connection. Perhaps it’s simply helping us postpone the vulnerable first few moments before connection begins. Those are two very different things. As more people rethink their relationship with alcohol, we’re seeing encouraging changes. More venues now offer alcohol-free options, and that’s certainly a step forward. But as Eming pointed out, creating another beverage option isn’t the same as creating another way to connect. Designing Gatherings People Will Remember Toward the end of our conversation, we stopped talking about what isn’t working and started imagining what could. Instead of asking, “What should we serve?” Eming encourages planners to ask a much more interesting question: “What experience do we want people to have together?” That single shift opens the door to endless possibilities. A cooking class instead of another happy hour. A guided food tour instead of drinks at the hotel bar. An afternoon exploring a city’s neighborhoods. Indoor golf. Pickleball. Volunteering together. A museum visit. A hike. Almost anything that gives people a shared experience instead of simply a shared beverage. The activity becomes the conversation. People leave remembering what they did together, not what they drank. Why This Conversation Matters When I first invited Eming onto the podcast, I expected we’d spend a lot of time talking about alcohol-free events. We certainly did. But by the end of our conversation, I realized we’d been talking about something much bigger. We’d been talking about belonging. One of the reasons I love hosting the Sober Life Rocks podcast is that it gives me the opportunity to introduce you to people whose perspectives aren’t always part of the mainstream conversation. Eming reminds us that creating more inclusive gatherings isn’t just about offering a better mocktail menu. It’s about rethinking the assumptions we’ve built into the way we gather in the first place. That’s a conversation that benefits everyone—not just people who don’t drink. Because whether we’re planning a corporate retreat, hosting friends for dinner, organizing a conference, or welcoming someone new into our community, we’re all trying to answer the same question: How do we help people feel like they belong? If we start there, I have a feeling everything else gets a little easier. Connect with Eming Smart Meetings: www.smartmeetings.com Instagram: @smartmeetings | @pixiedaywriterThe post Episode 107 What If We’ve Been Designing Connection All Wrong? first appeared on Sober Life Rocks.