Episode 113: Kelsey Bates On Helping Women Heal Chronic Illness and Medical Trauma

In this episode of Dismantling You, I sit down with Kelsey Bates, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Founder of New York Women's CBT, to talk about the emotional weight of living with chronic illness. Kelsey shares how her own chronic illness shaped her decision to leave a 9 to 5 model and build a telehealth practice that meets women where they are. We dig into the difference between chronic pain and chronic illness, why so many women fall through the cracks of the medical system, and how stigma, racism, and cost combine to leave patients without a coordinated quarterback for their care.We also get into medical trauma and medical gaslighting, two terms Kelsey unpacks in a way that finally puts language to experiences so many women have lived through. Kelsey explains how repeated dismissals show up in the body (fight or flight, hypervigilance, freeze), and why third wave CBT approaches like ACT and DBT can succeed where traditional CBT often feels invalidating. We close with Kelsey's take on radical acceptance, the distress tolerance menu she gives every client, and the realistic version of self care that has nothing to do with facials and everything to do with PT and anti inflammatory food.__________________________________________________Key Highlights🩺 Chronic pain versus chronic illness: Kelsey draws a clear line between single injury chronic pain and the ongoing, no cure reality of chronic illness, and explains why each needs a different therapeutic approach.🏥 Why women fall through the system: We discuss the missing quarterback in care, the cost barrier of private pay specialists, and medical racism including the myth that Black women have a higher pain tolerance.💔 Defining medical trauma and medical gaslighting: Medical trauma is repeated, invasive pain you cannot escape. Gaslighting can be overt (you look fine) or covert (is it really that bad), and both erode patient trust in their own bodies.🧠 How trauma shows up in the body: Kelsey explains the amygdala on overdrive, hypervigilance versus hyperarousal, and why patients can present as frozen and shut down or panicked and pacing in appointments.🌱 Why third wave CBT works for chronic illness: Traditional CBT frames trauma responses as irrational thoughts. Kelsey uses the stuck point language from Cognitive Processing Therapy plus ACT and DBT tools to honor what patients have actually lived through.🕊️ Radical acceptance is not giving up: Acceptance is acknowledging today's reality while still tracking the committed actions (PT, meds, stretches) that build long term stability. It is a journey, not an on off switch.📋 The distress tolerance menu on the fridge: Kelsey has clients map out low, medium, and high pain day tools when they feel most stable, then post the list at home so partners and family know exactly how to help.🤝 Loved ones want to help and need a script: Spouses and parents often freeze because they do not know what to do. Clear, concrete asks turn that helplessness into real partnership during flares.👶 Chronic illness, IVF, and medical burnout: Living with conditions like endometriosis adds layers of fear about fertility, parenting, and overwhelm from stacked appointments. Self compassion and pacing are essential.__________________________________________________Resources & Next Steps🌐 New York Women's CBT website📸 Follow Kelsey Bates and New York Women's CBT on Instagram & YouTube  @womenscbt  🎧 Subscribe to Dismantling You on Apple Podcasts