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Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Sneak Attack. I'm Reid, your host and DM of this original D&D adventure. To my left we have... Fuck you. My left. Perfect. Last time on Sneak Attack, the gang completed the trials of Virgil folklore. Forced to defeat Virgil himself as the task of protecting the gem had warped his mind beyond rational thought. In his defeat, they were granted the ruby of omnipotence, one of the three stones used in the forging of the world. Once leaving the Evergrove and the Swindhill Forest, they went back to the main road only to find that the city of Fairfall, Akio's hometown, was being evacuated due to a hostage situation involving the local magic community. What purpose do they have with the wizards and mages?
What has become of Akio's parents? Find out right now, maybe. Also, Greg's, like, mentally not stable. What's up, everybody? Hey. Hello. Hello. So, okay, here's where we're at. I don't know if you guys are aware of this. There is a little known, it's very, like, tucked between the pages of the player's handbook kind of rule, but this very little known rule that someone without the ability to comprehend languages, like maybe someone plagued by Feeblemind, can't actually have Gaius cast upon them. Also, Gaius has a one-minute casting time. So, yeah, that's a thing. Whoops.
I don't care. You look really grieved. Honestly, here's the deal. We don't care. Yeah, that's the thing. No one at the table here thought twice about it when we found out. I like that you did it to him. I do, too. I prefer it, honestly. What? Someone actually posed the question, like, could you go back and re-record? Never in a million years. No, it sounds like too much work. That's like creating a multiverse in our fake universe. Oh, can we create a multiverse? No. That would take us from being just a group of friends hanging out playing D to, like, it being something more produced. And I don't think we're ready to. You know how, like, if you watch the episode, if you watch Scrubs episodes on Netflix, all the music is different because they couldn't get the licensing that NBC got when the show aired for real. It's like that. We're not going to change the music.
So, I want to know, Greg, you're... infirmed for all intents and purposes. Sure. Because we're just going to operate in the way that we made the call last episode or two episodes ago. We're just going to pretend you can understand language, you just can't communicate yourself. Okay. That's how we're rolling. Because he fought against the feeble-minded spell. That's why. He fought against the gayest spell, actually. Guys, I am trying to justify it. No, I don't care about that. Okay, well. I think it just reads, rules, rules. Yeah. I mean, it's like I don't have to bend my knee to some fictional god in the world I made. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I knew it was disadvantageous for us then, but it's much more advantageous to us now.
Because I can understand what you guys say. We all got through it. Anyways, that's just how we're going to play that. So you guys can do whatever it is you would want to do at this time. Oh, I thought you meant the fans. Yeah, you're always free to leave. There's the door. I would prefer it if you didn't, but that was always an option. I think we have way more people that have zero problem with it. I agree. Vocal minority and all that jazz. So I want to know what the three of you that can speak want to do.
Well, we're headed down the road. To Fairfall. To Fairfall. Yep. To the camp where the soldiers are meeting up to mount a counterattack. That's true. I guess I'd like just to keep heading that way. Okay. I'll follow. And correct me if I'm wrong, you guys slept after... Yep. In the woods. In the woods. I just want to make sure we're all on the same page. Full hit points, full spell slots, all that jazz. Yep. So, you guys continue on your path towards Fairfall.
And you're fighting this constant crowd, just a wave of people pouring the other direction from you guys. So you notice many of these evacuated citizens are just exhausted from the many hours of travel. Others are crying from the loss of loved ones or having to leave their home. You guys get a lot of really weird looks as you continue in your direction. And you're not quite sure if it's because of the direction you're heading or because of how to place you are. I never thought I'd say this, but Akil looks the most normal right now in his ridiculous patch coat. So it's not very often that people see like...
a dwarf in Durhaven, let alone a dwarf, a halfling, and a half-elf. So you just get a lot of strange looks. No one's stopping you. No one's aggressive towards you guys, but it's just like, oh, we have all these foreign invaders, and now these guys are here. I would like to know, within the game, if you would let me create a noodle patch.
How do you create a patch for a magic robe you don't understand? That's why I'm asking. He already lets you just create noodles on command. Oh, I know. Because how awesome would it be to rip off a patch and make a bunch of, boom, bowl of noodles. You're basically doing that already. This would be a real great time to sling some noodles to all these people in the city. Oh my gosh. Capitalizing on their misfortune. Sorry about your family. Their displacement. Reed, I have a question about the people coming through. Okay. Coming from Fairfall. How many of them look like Akio?
Asian? Wow. Specifically Korean. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Well, is it Kyo Korean?
I thought he was Japanese. Yeah, his name's Japanese. Asian was the thing we said. Is Japan a thing in Brina? Which, granted, it would be like Fair Fall-ish if we were... Want Asia to rule them all? So, okay. I also, I do want to point out just a couple things in this conversation here. Number one, Asia includes like Russia and India. So there's a whole swath of like skin tones that could be Asian. Absolutely. Secondarily, no, not everyone on this journey opposite direction of you guys looks Asian. Okay. Traditional East Orient Asian. Some of them do? Sure. White people, black people? Yeah. The main reason I was asking is because I just wasn't sure if like...
That being part of his character feature was like a standout thing, or if it was yet. No, it's, again, since this is predominantly a human-occupied area, and humans are so racially diverse in appearance, it is not uncommon to see people that look like Akio's family. More darker-skinned ones, more lighter-skinned ones, different redheads. It's a whole variety of people. But, obviously, the predominant trait being the...
You know, the height, the traditional build, ear shape, like jawline, that is all very characteristically human. Okay, cool. Good question, though. So the journey to the city will take about six hours at a brisk pace. And as you get... What? That's a long journey. It's a bit of a waste. But remember, Durhaven's one of the largest islands in all of Branis. And it was... It's funny because you think that there would be enough land for everyone to, like, cohabitate peacefully. And realistically, there is. But yeah, when you have, like, old dudes way back in the day trying to claim all the land for themselves. Yeah. These things happen.
So as you get closer to the city, you begin to see this mountain ridge, this giant mountain ridge cut through the horizon. And it's this massive series of peaks and it spans dozens of miles, cuts from northeast all the way to the southwest and forms this nice barrier between the city and the forest, the big, massive forest to the west. And getting closer even still, you see that the city sits almost at the top of this really steep cliff face that overlooks the ocean. And there are like dozens of large towers and spires that form like a really distinct outline. Akio, as a kid, you remember seeing these shapes on the horizon. And from the mountains to the west flows the Tremelor River.
And it's this bitter cold river that flows through the city and off into the cliffs of the ocean. And the city has kind of used this river to its advantage ever since it was founded. So it uses it for like farming, cleaning, bathing. And it's like a core part of this community survival. But as you approach Akil, you realize that there's no water flowing from the spires or like nothing's filling the aqueducts or the tributaries. It's all dried up, which is a problem. So we'll say that you're about 15 minutes from like the border of the city and you see all this. What do you guys do?
Also, it's probably approaching dusk right now. Do we see guards and stuff? From a distance, you can see a rough campsite set up, tents, people station moving around. Looking upstream? Is it totally dry? It's a little tough to tell from your angle, but yeah, we'll say that you can see where the river is. Normally, you'd be able to see water running towards the city, but you can't see anything. Do we have a pretty good...
view of the riverbed itself? You can't see into the riverbed, but you can tell that it's not nearly as full as it should be. There's water there, it's just not flowing? You can't see. In your mind, you don't know if it's just a trickle or if it's gone entirely. It's gone entirely. Don't tell us that. If it's getting dark and we're 15 minutes away from the camp, I think I'd like to head towards the camp. Okay.
Perfect. So, uh, all right, you guys make your way towards the camp. And as you, as you guys get close, we'll say within a couple hundred feet, uh, some guard, like you can see him kind of like exasperated side from a distance and he like saunters up to you. He's like, city's off limits. I don't know if you, if you saw this, but there was an invasion, there's a hostage situation. We can't allow anyone to go into the city right now. Uh, we're here to help actually.
We don't have a militia protocol active right now. I don't know. What do you even expect to do? This is a military organization in this military operation. We are very well equipped to handle this situation. And as he's talking, he gets smacked in the back of the head by some guy behind him. And as he goes stumbling forward, you see standing behind him is Captain Denton, who you ran into at Lofort. Denton. Hello.
I don't remember how Capden sounds, so that's his voice now. It didn't really end on good terms with him, if I remember correctly. It did not? Didn't he literally tell Akio, don't let me ever see your face in the city again? He said that to Akio. Yeah, but we're not in that city, so fair is fair. Because he knew he tried to read his thoughts. Oh. But we're not in that city, so it doesn't matter. It's true. What stays in that city stays in that city. It was Vegas of Durhaven. Yeah. How can we be of service? Akio, you try to read his mind? Nah. Don't say anything. I'll figure it out. I got this.
He smacks the guy up the side of the head. And when he pushes the guy out of the way, he sees the four of you standing there. And his expression turns from kind of like annoyed to angry. And he lets out a big sigh. What do you want? We're here. Oh, go ahead. We're here to help. I thought I told you. I don't want to see you again. I'm pretty sure you said in that city. And we're not in that city anymore. Also, this is his home. Yeah, I'm from here. You arguing semantics with me? No, I just want you to know that this is his home. What's semantics? It's words. Oh, okay.
Greg kind of saunters up. Puts a hand on Den and just... He thinks you're crazy and he's going to try and subdue you. Okay. Greg will be subdued. Okay. He just grabs your arm and twists it behind your back suddenly. Does Greg know he talks nonsense? Yeah. Okay. I know that I'm not talking nonsense? Yes. Yeah, I would say so. He's trying to talk nonsense. Sure. You don't know how long it lasts either, so you could think maybe it's worn off. It's been six hours. He's also an idiot. Yeah. It's true. He has a one intelligence score. He didn't say it. So he grabs him and says, what is with your friend? He had...
A crazy magic spell cast on him. It'll wear off eventually, but it's pretty strong right now. Greg tries to hug Denton. He definitely pushes you off. If it wasn't for the fact that you helped in Lowfort and potentially swayed the tide of battle in our favor with the armory, I'd have these men lock you up right now. So you have my time, but you do not have all of it. What have you come here to do? I'm trying to find my parents. My dad was round up with the other wizards, I was told.
If he's a wizard, it's likely that he's being held hostage in there, yes. How did you get out? I left a long, long time ago. Wait, so you're just coming back to the island right around the same time that this invasion has happened? Yep. With three foreigners. I wanted to show him where I'm from. He's getting angry that he can't. We're doing what we can to help stop this invasion. If Durhaven falls, it's only a matter of time until the rest of the islands do. Well, I agree. So, can we help you?
Admittedly, we are a little short-staffed right now. We've never really prepared for an invasion of this size or such a coordinated assault. Our men are spread out like crazy, and to be honest, we're trying to defend against the front on multiple levels. We've never seen anything like this, so we don't have the forces that we would normally have to be able to actually take the city back. Lucky for you, we're quarter-staffed. I don't get it. He said he's short-staffed. Oh, nice. I get it. No one thought it was funny. I mean, tall-staffed would have been the... Do you have a weapon called a tall-staffed? That's not an item.
I was making an item pun. Oh, okay. Mike just got it. Mike's like, I didn't know that was an item. Wait, what? Do they have dime stats? It's a currency joke. Now that's a joke. Greg can't talk. Josh can. So, here's a situation. I can't ask anything of you. Officially. If you want to help, you can. I appreciate what you guys did in the armory. Truly, I do. It probably has saved thousands of lives. Also, what you did on the beach, probably.
shifted the tide of that battle and we were able to keep the city. So, I appreciate you guys. And I don't know why you are the way you are right now, Dwarf, but I hope you are still a capable fighter like you were on the beach. Great growls. Sure. So here's what we know so far. We believe that the attackers have dammed the river coming from the mountains as a negotiation tactic. They've probably got troops positioned there. We sent scouts out, but they haven't returned. If they're able to successfully keep the water from flowing into the city.
the inhabitants of the city will die four to five days. I don't know that we can get the rest of our troops here in that amount of time to actually reclaim the city and hopefully undam the river. So that's a problem. Second problem is that we don't really know what we're working with in there. Probably a lot of purple people works. Honestly, I could handle that, but that doesn't match any of the reports from the evacuees that we've met with. What have you heard from them? I don't know if it's the terror.
They might be in shock. It's probably best just to believe them. What did they say? An army of undead. Oh. So, an army of undead. It's difficult to know who's a corpse in there, who's an active target. They blend. Well, some of them very obviously old, decayed, missing pieces. Some of them very fresh. I think whoever is leading them can revive fallen citizens. I don't know. It's a classic necromancer.
That's like heavy necromantic. Potentially. Potentially. Classic. The reason why we're stationed out here is we just don't even know what we're up against, and we could be walking into something that we're far outclassed to deal with. So we need reconnaissance on the inside. Third problem. There's a third. Yep, I already wrote three down. Great. We've gotten reports that several trade ships between Durhaven and Vorstad have been plundered and destroyed. We feel that they may be taking the fight to the dwarves.
He makes the motion of grabbing something and snapping it. You are not in a state to go home right now, bud. He grabs his axe and he starts moving into the city. Nope. Someone's going to have to stop him.
Akio grabs him. So does Brenna. Strength check. What about two people pulling him back? That's helping. So you roll a strength check, and I think whoever has the lower... I rolled a low one, so... Whoever has the lower strength check just adds five, I think. You guys are looking to beat a ten. I rolled a ten. Two? Well, you add the plus five then. Seven. No, Akio rolled a 15, effectively, because you're assisting Akio. Okay. So Akio grabs you by the legs. We'll say. So he falls, hits his face on the ground. Sure. And he tumbles to the ground, and these guards that are standing around, these are all human guards again. They've got the sigils of the...
Island, like paid guard. And they're just like standing there looking at the flick. These are the four that turn the tide of the city. They're fighting with each other. And so Denton goes, listen, again, I can't ask this of you. It's an impossible task and an impossible question. But if you wanted to help in some way, that's how you could do it. You could either go undam the river, find out what's going on there, infiltrate the city. Sneakily, I would hope. Otherwise, you probably don't stand much of a chance and then report back with what's going on in there or.
I think your dwarf friend may have invested interest in what's going on in Vorstad. Yeah. Have you seen the state he's in? Just looks like a regular dwarf to me. Oh, got him.
All right, gang, we got a classic party split situation here. We're split three ways. Milo goes in the city. Two people are going to go take the damn. Someone's going to pin a 20 to Greg's collar and send him to Vorstad. We'll write him a little note like a real Milo. Oh, wait, we didn't do that. Never mind. He opens it up. Someone look after our child. Do you have someone who needs killed? I'm a dwarf with an axe. Kill, kill, kill. That's the situation right now.
Okay. And he says, whatever you decide, let me know. I gotta get back. I gotta coordinate positions and flanking maneuvers, so just let me know. I'll be in this. And he gestures to this big tent that's kind of in the center of everything. Guys, Greik is approaching rage mode, so you need to just point him in a direction and have him start swinging his axe. Rage mode. Activated. He's not in it. His meter is filling. He's approaching it. He's getting angry. Can we practice breathing? He's still angry. He wants to fight. They just mentioned Worsted's in danger, and he needs to smash something. Go smash the wall. That's not a good idea right now, buddy.
We've got to be stealthy about our next move. He grabs Zax and tries forging ahead again. Reed, out of game, do you have planned where Akio's family's house is? Not specifically, but I could probably figure it out. He starts yelling towards the city. I'm wondering if we can... If it's inner city, I'm going to guess it's going to be hard to get to. But if it's close to the outskirts, I'm wondering if we could sneak into it. So the way I kind of laid out this city is that...
This is the central hub for magic users in Dearhaven. People come here to study, to learn, to experiment, all kinds of wacky stuff. And those spires that you see cutting through the horizon, those are often wizard's towers, mage towers, focused focal points of energy and magical energy that these wizards for several hundred years have tried to tap into and learn more of the secrets of. So your family, due to their immense wealth and power, have positioned themselves very closely to these. areas, these towers, which unfortunately are all centrally located. This is a pretty well-designed city in that you've got the mountains to the west that are forming a really nice barrier. On the other side of that is really dense forest, which makes it hard to move large amounts of troops through. But the one thing no one expected is for them to actually climb the cliffs, because they're cliffs. But you're also dealing with people and an enemy that you don't fully understand. This is so hard for me reading. I know it is. You're doing a great job, buddy. Just hold my hand.
Somebody needs to stop Greg. He's forging ahead. I feel like we need to go figure out what's going on at the dam. I'm holding your hand. Because that's going to buy the people in the city the most time. I'm not part of this decision making process. You guys need to talk. I'm listening to what Danny had to say and I was trying to hold your hand.
Dan's got to lead it. This is your passion project. I think this is your time to shine, buddy. This is your time to shine, Dan. I mean, Akio. All right, everybody. We're going to start a noodle restaurant. We're going to serve some noodles out here and we're going to outlast the dam. I bet it'll break before we do. I got magic noodles. I can do this all day long indefinitely. Akio cinches the belt on his rope. Serious business time. Rolls up his sleeves. This is when Danny became president. I wish. Says we're going to the dam. Okay.
Oh, you tell that to Denton? Yep. Okay, great. He's, like, pouring over maps and charts and stuff, and, like, those little, like, wooden figurines that represent troops. I don't know what they actually mean, because I'm no, like, tactician. But he just looks up and goes, huh? All right, great, go. Like, you're all prepared. You have this big, like, you know, I'm going to take charge moment, and he just, like, completely undercuts you. But I believe in you, buddy. Just Denton's a jerk. Great. He's got tears in the day. We'll see how he feels when the water's trickling back in the city. Okay. So, uh...
The river flows from west to east into the city from the mountains. So if you want to just find the riverbed and use that as your guide. Walk up it? Yeah, just pretty much walk up it. Yeah, let's do that. You get to the river on the east side of the city. It takes you about 10, 15 minutes to work your way around the city entirely and meet up with where the river flows in. You get to the bed and it's pretty muddy, pretty murky and miry. So you realize that this is probably a recent development. No less than a day since it's been dried up. So you're thinking at the most.
The people inside have five days, at the least three. But you also think walking in the riverbed might be not very proactive. You probably get stuck. So walking alongside of it seems like your best bet, although you're going to have to navigate a bunch of wooded terrain, a bunch of logs, boulders, stuff that have just kind of developed and formed the barrier of this. Or hiking. It is. It's like a nice pleasant hike that the entire fate of a city depends on. I'm okay with that. Okay. So you guys are moving along, and this journey will probably take about two hours in total. About one hour into this journey, climbing over obstacles and barriers and just trying to... It's nighttime. Yeah. It is. Well, like...
Very, very close to pitch black time. You can see on the backside of the mountains that you're walking towards, just a little trickle of light shining over. But for the most part, it's dark. Should we not do this at night? Don't look at me, man. Torches will draw attention to us. Do we have torches? Are we using torches? You don't have to. But you're the only one that can't see very well. I can't see at night. Milo will guide you. I'll guide you. Okay. Let's do it. I'm a good guider. All right. You having a seizure? I want everyone but Greg to roll me a perception check as the sun is about.
Did you cross the mountain? I can't roll with a negative five? Negative infinity or something like that? It's a negative five. That's what it is. Is that actually what it is? Yes. I don't think you need to. But you can. Two. 27. With a natty 20. Okay. Three. Seven. Okay. So. Isn't this real life? Yeah. This is pretty par for the course. You guys are walking along. And despite being very, very dark out, Brenna, something up above you catches the corner of your eye.
and you glance up, and you just see the outline of a large bird cut through the sky. I saw a bird. And it just kind of disappears. And then it's gone. I think they had a spy. A spy bird? A spy bird. Okay, so do we turn around? Let's find cover. Wooded area? Are we in the wooded area? Kind of. You could go off the banks, like 120 feet, and actually get an actual tree line, but right now you're kind of exposed. We can just make something. Dad? Tree line? Dad? Tree line. Okay, Dad.
Okay. So you guys move to the tree line. Do you continue moving or do you just wait? Do you hunker down? I think we should wait for a little bit to see if the bird comes back. Yeah. Hunker down. Okay. Eyes to the sky. Greg keeps moving forward. What? Huh? We grab you. I grab you and take you to the tree line. I mean, he went to the tree line with you guys, but you guys are stopping? Yeah. He's moving forward. No. You're not. Greg's leaving. Greg, you need to stay with us.
Okay, I'm going to lean on you for this, Josh. I don't know how to role play a person with one intelligence. Thank you. I mean, you're doing it. Whatever you choose, I'm not going to argue pretty much. What I'm deciding to try and do. I feel like if Greg was about his wits, he'd stay with us. About his wits is the phrase that I'd like to focus on. You're there, you just can't communicate with us, right? But it's not the same Greg that's there. You're dealing with a Greg who doesn't feel pride, who doesn't feel shame, who is completely single-minded.
This is a guy who... He's not recalling past failures to draw upon for success. He's such a deep character. You strip away all the layers and somehow you find a new one you just didn't expect. I think that's fine. If you want to plow ahead. If you guys try and stop him, he won't fight you. I think that's the key. You understand them, but you may not be able to rationalize why they're telling you to stop. I'm telling you to stop. Physically. I grab your backpack or whatever you're wearing. He huffs and crosses his arms. I push you down.
He sits. Good boy. You pat his head? Yeah. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog for about five, ten more minutes. Everyone roll me another perception check. Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes. Someone else come and clutch. Negative two? Negative two. Oh, 26. Greg's asleep. 13. Okay. Milo and Akio, you guys are just kind of like...
What are we waiting for? Like, there's obviously nothing here. Let's get a move on. And then right as Akio, you start, like, reaching down to push yourself up off the ground and stand up. Brenna, like, reaches down and grabs you. And you go on it. And then, scroll. What happened in the distance? You hear it again as a bird flies overhead. Spy bird. Can we tell which way it's flying? Like, the first time you saw it, it was heading towards the city. Now it's heading away from the city. So you think maybe it's circling. Either it's a path or it's circling. Like, it's following the riverbanks or it could be following you. Maybe we lost it. If it was following us.
Where it lost us? I don't know. I mean, you saw it. We didn't. Is there any, like, foliage or anything around? Like, dead trees or anything like that? Sure. Yeah. Is there any way that we can make, like, something to put over our heads? Like a hollowed out log? Yeah. Well, not a hollowed out log. I mean, something that we could just... Gilly seats? Yeah! Like a hat. Just a hat. The bird's looking down. He's not going to see us. Sure. I have an idea. Okay. Anybody good with the crafting? Three sticks? Yes. Three sticks. We tie them together. Yes. We make a hat. A forest hat. And put it over our heads. Yeah. Maybe that'll work. And it just has a thing around, but it's like the umbrella hat. But, like, a big one.
We're leaning real far into this Asian thing. Yeah, I was just about to say, why do you call it an umbrella hat? A rice paddy hat. It's called a rice paddy hat. It's called a Raiden's hat. No, you find a big old giant deer, you kill it, you hollow it out, and then somebody plays the front half and somebody plays the back half. Where's my tauntaun? No, it's Metal Gear Solid 3 where you wear the crocodile head. Can we craft that? You can craft the makeshift bush on a hat thing. Yes. Do I have to roll for it? Definitely. Roll for accuracy. All of us or just Milo? Whoever wants to wear the hat.
No, we all want a hat. If someone wants to make Greik a hat, they have to make two hats. No, Greik sees everybody working on stuff, and so he just grabs the bush and rips it out of the ground and puts it on his head. Perfect. Okay. Nature, I guess, to make it look nature-y. Oh, yeah. We all have to make our own hats. Is this arts and crafts time? Yeah, you don't have time for Greik to make all your hats. I do not have a high nature. I have a whopping zero. No, wait. Sorry, 14. That would be a four. Three. Not crafty. Akio? Oh, I got a six. Aw. Greik had the smartest idea of ripping the bush out of the ground and just wearing it as a hat.
Can mine literally be three sticks? Sure. Just three sticks? You can't tell if Greg is doing it to fit in or if he just got bored. It wasn't part of the plan. But regardless, you're like, oh, that actually kind of works. So you guys think in a pinch, these are fine. Those are great. You're examining them. You're like, yeah, from above, this probably is pretty not noticeable. It's like the wine painting where everybody paints the same thing, but they're terrible. Like a painting party. Yeah, a painting party. You're like, this is a tulip. It's a dog's face.
This is a couple in the rain. I'm like looking at like Brenna's and Akio's and I'm just like thinking mine's good enough. Yeah. Because everybody agreed to me that we needed a forest hat and whatever interpretation. You're just really happy. Yeah. I'm really happy. It's like we'll make a forest hat. Family craft time. Yeah. Mom. Dad. Crazy uncle. Crazy uncle. The crazy uncle roll at swap. Yeah. Normally it's Akio's a crazy uncle. Uncle swap. That's not a show no one's at. No one's at. I would watch Uncle swap. I would participate in Uncle swap. That could be entertaining. It's a multi-camera comedy on TBS. Yeah.
You didn't find an audience, but Netflix picked it up. Read by that URL. UncleSwap.com. That's the riskiest flick of the day. I'm not buying UncleSwap.com. .net. No, we'll never get any traction. .biz. .geocities.com. .ninja. All right, cool.
So you guys fasten your hats together. It's a little makeshift fashion show right here. And you feel like enough time has passed where it's probably safe. You have to start moving again. We'll say it takes 10 minutes to make these hats. And you begin slowly, Scooby-Doo style, making your way out into the clearing again where you can actually move a little bit more freely. And you're walking and everything seems pretty okay. You guys are moving slowly, careful of where you step, careful to not make any un-bush-like movements. Like George. Of the jungle. W. Bush. Thank you, Danny. Yeah. Danny gets my jokes. Oh, man.
You walk for about another 15 minutes. Total silence. Being very careful where you're walking, not to step on a branch. Marching orders. Give me marching orders. Akio. Two bites. Brenna has to be right behind. Milo's right behind Akio to help guide his dark. I'm in the front. Oh, you're in the front. Milo, Akio. Milo, Akio, Gregg, Brenna. Gregg's in the front. Everyone seems to think that they're in the front, but Brenna. Gregg needs to be in the middle. Yeah. You're the meat store sandwich.
He's in the middle. I'm the olive topping. Great. So I'm in the front. You're about to get toothpaste. And you're the meat. You're the meat. That was my forest hat. Bet. Brenna's in the back? Yep. Okay. So you guys are walking along. And Brenna, you feel a tap on your shoulder. It's Saturn. I keep walking. You just keep walking. That was very Scooby-Doo. He's just like, oh, that's weird. He just leaves. He just kind of keeps on walking with you guys. He looks around like, this is fun. And you feel a second tap on your shoulder.
I'm really busy right now. Who is it? He goes, oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you guys were in the middle of something. I can leave you to it if you'd like. No, who's there? We're still walking. Are you incapable of turning around? I can't turn left. Greg turns around. Who's there? You missed my Zoolander joke. I got it. Thank you. Josh won't let me make any jokes tonight. Patriarchy's real. My own husband. The Greg Triarchy. The Greg Triarchy.
Episode title. All the puns and Mike's just not having it. The Grey Triarchy. Nailed it. Dot biz. Call it dot biz, please. The Grey Triarchy dot biz. I really hope that in the episode description it shows up as a website. You have the option to click Grey Triarchy dot biz. Also, that domain is available. Duh. Of course it's available. Just please turn it into a copy of Ron Swanson Dances. Oh, yeah. Just forward it to drunkronswanson.com, please.
So you guys turn around and see a dwarf standing behind you. And this dwarf has a very big beard, but a shaved head. And he looks like a big smile on his face. He's just thrilled to see you guys. Great smiles. He goes, what are the four of you doing out here?
We are headed on a recon. He says we're allowed. Then he runs forward and gives him a big hug. This guy hugs you right back. Lots of pats on the back. And he grabs a beard, tugs it. He goes, who's your friend? He's quite a lively fella. This is Greg. Greg, it's a pleasure to meet you. And he kind of smashes his fist on his chest and he sticks out a hand. He goes, the name's Barn.
He's suffering from a mental condition right now, but hopefully it's just temporary. A mental condition, eh? Yes. Some gnome magic. Gnome magic? Really messed him up. The druids? I love the druids. We do too, but one didn't like us. Oh, a nasty druid. He didn't want to share. That's very untypical of druids.
He had been alone for a long time. That's very typical of Druids. I like this guy. How did you get to Durhaven? What are you doing here? Durhaven? Oh, it's Durhaven. I've been in Durhaven for most of my life. Fairfall? No, no, not in Fairfall. I've lived in the Swindhill Forest for most of my time. I used to be a little bit of a soldier, a warrior of types, but I put all that behind me. I don't swing an axe anymore or a hammer for those parts. I'm an orebreaker myself. That's my family name. I was just going to ask if you had a clan. I do. The best clan. Mighty clan. What about this lad here? Greg starts kind of looking around his...
his body, trying to find something. What are you missing, Greg? Well, he heard hammer, and so he's looking for that. And he starts to get kind of confused. He looks on his back. Then he kind of like, he looks like he has an idea, and he puts his hands forward, and he just goes, Herbunner! Herbunner! Nothing happens. Presently, his hammer's sitting at the bottom of the moat. Yes. Underneath the, uh, this window forest. Yes.
and his lack of intelligence preventing him from something. That's a homebrew thing. Shut up, guys. I can hear you guys queuing up the tweets already. I came up with that one. That was all Greg. He pitched it to me. I'm fine with it. What's wrong with you? Advocate for yourself. He still has the axe. He still has the best weapons. Cagney and Lacey. Fist one, fist two. Cagney, Lacey. Wow, that's great. So now Greg's just kind of walking away from everybody, looking at the ground. He's been having a rough time with the family, so he doesn't really like to talk about it.
I mean, he has a clan though, right? Yes. Oh, I'm sure it's a fine clan. I'll tell you about it someday. Oh, maybe. Are we friends now? That's someday. It's like, how long do you plan on staying around with this guy? You want to travel with us? We need a new dwarf. We need someone who talks a lot, but shouldn't. You should leave me in the woods. No, you get to come too. You're Milo's pet now, so we need to. Ooh, Milo can ride you. Yeah, you're my puppy. Okay. Come here, puppy, puppy. Who's a good boy? I'm a good boy. You're like, want some dog food? You should try to feed him dog food. No.
He'd probably eat it with an intelligence of one. Please continue eating. He'd probably eat it with an intelligence of 10, let's be honest. Ooh, got him. Intelligence burn. So, he really didn't have anything to say. He's just very surprised to see people out here. We are currently on a mission to get the water flowing again. Oh, back to Fairfall, yeah. Yes. Tragic thing. They've dammed up the river, they have. They have. That's what we've heard. Do you know anything about a bird that's been flying around? A bird. Could it be an eagle, by chance? It was probably a large bird that scraws. Scraws. Kind of like this, and he jumps off the ground and turns into a bird.
He's a druid. He's a druid, yeah. Oh, a dwarf druid. Look at Josh's face. I'm so happy. He's so happy. One of my favorite literary characters is this guy. Oh, really? Are you crying? No. It looks like you're crying. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. All right.
So eventually, he flies around for like five seconds and swoops back down and does a three-point landing as a dwarf again. He just stands up very impressed, like hands on his hips, like looking around for approval or praise or something like that. Oh, thank goodness. We thought you were an enemy spy. An enemy spy? No, of course not. I'm here to help people. I don't do any spying on good people like yourselves. Thank you. Do you know how to make a better forest hat? And I kind of take one off and it's like... It just like falls apart as you hand it to him. He's like, this is some terrible work. Oh.
It's my first time making one. Oh, okay. Well, I won't hold it against you, lad. Yeah, can you make me a better one? Oh, of course. Give me two shakes. And he kind of turns around. You hear the sounds of, like, duct tape and scissors and clippings and all kinds of stuff. Like duct tape? Like the sound in Zelda. Breath of the Wild, whatever they build something in the house. Made out of ducks. Is this from real duck? And he turned around. It's like a bush costume. It's a ghillie suit. Yeah, it's like a ghillie suit. But on the top of this hat is just, like, a little miniature bush. Does he put it on me? Yeah, he'll put my hands up. Slip over me. He just slips it on. Woo-hoo! You look like bush. I just, like, duck down.
I'm a bush. And he goes, oh, where'd you go? There was a halfling here not two seconds ago. He doesn't see me, Brennan. He doesn't see me. The druid doesn't see me. He's like nudging you, Brennan. Wow, thank both of you. It was for the story, not for... I didn't need to explain it to you, but he's buying into it, is all I'm saying. What a good druid. So he goes, well, I can't necessarily help you with whatever's going on in the dam, but I can maybe guide you away. That's a great idea. Perfect. I can turn into a bird. And, well, that'd be tricky.
Because I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to you while I'm a bird. I'm flying up high above the heads. Well, I've got a little something something. What do you got? And I use message. Oh, use it right now? Greg has walked away at this point. Okay. It's cantrip. It's fine. We're not going to go. You can inhabit this new dream. So I point at him and I see, is this a fancy trick? And he can hear the message and reply and whisper that only I can hear. Okay. His eyes get very big. He gets very excited. He goes, oh yes, that'll do quite nicely. He slid in his DMs.
Guys, where's Greg? Which one's Greg again? The dwarf. Oh, right. The only other dwarf. He kind of turns and looks around. He says, did he put the suit on? I'm not playing around this time. I really can't see him. Greg? Well, Greg's gone. Well, we have an opening in our group for a dwarf. Would you like to travel with us? Oh, I do love traveling. You have to talk a lot even though you're not very good at it. Oh, I love talking. I love meeting new people. And he pulls out a flask and throws something back. Can you say my name is Varen?
My name isn't Varen. It's Varn. Can you say my name's Varn? By the way, thank you. I love that she tried to say a name properly and you corrected her to say it the great way. That felt really good for me. My name is Varn. Good job. So am I your friend now? Yes. So do we leave him or do we... Yeah, let's keep going. What? I'm cool with this. I'm just kidding. Where did he go? We should probably find your friend. I can turn into a bird and look for him. Please. Who take me with?
I don't know. If you were to fall, it'd be quite a height to land from. Okay. Maybe some other day. Maybe next time. I can fly real low and real slow, and then you can go for a ride. Okay. I have a good memory. Okay. I do, too. Mind like a steel trap I have. What? You do, too. I do, too. You do, too. I do, too. Ooh, I could tell right away. Trap. And he goes, oh, where'd he go? He was just right here a second ago. He doesn't see me on my bush.
So he kind of like scoots down to the ground, bends his knees, gets real low, and then springs up off the ground and turns into an eagle again and shoots up towards the sky. Greg, where are you going, man? Can we make a leash? I was kind of going to ask you that. Where even am I now? It's not like I can say, I'm going to go north, I'm going to go west, I'm going to go south. He just started wandering off. So I want to know from you, I guess, where could he have gone? Where in the world is Greg? Carmen Sandiego. Here's...
So here's what I'm thinking. The only thing I think that makes sense logistically in my mind is Greg is going to go to something familiar. Yeah. Cities with lights. Towards the city. I think towards the city. Yep, I think so too. So we'll say that you walk towards the riverbed. Yeah. And then you land in the riverbed and you see, like looking down, it slopes all the way towards the city. You see, ooh, bright lights at the bottom of this ravine. Yeah. I'm going to walk that way. Okay. You also still have the most impressive bush hat on. Yeah. So you're going to be a little bit tough. Not anymore. You don't have a ghillie suit.
That's true. You had the most impressive bush. Right. Not anymore. Sure. Okay. Varna's going to fly up high. I want to know what you guys are doing in the meantime. And what's the range on message, by the way? 120 feet, if I'm not mistaken? Yep. Okay. So he's going to try and stay within that proximity. So what are you guys, are you staying? Are you waiting for Greg to be returned? Or are you? Greg was pretty antsy to keep moving forward. So I think we should move forward, too. Okay. We're not going to wait for the bird. I'm in contact with him. Like how? My mind.
Yeah, me too with my mind. Yeah. What's he saying to you? I'm thinking about him too. What is he saying to you? He's saying we should wait. That's not what he's telling me. Maybe we're talking different birds. There's a lot of birds right here, guys. So, Varn gets to a certain height and he can feel like that connection to you. So, he kind of swoops back down low and you hear him say,
I can't see him right away, but I know I could get higher and try and spot him, but then I would possibly lose track of you. He's wearing a bush hat. Which makes him mighty difficult to spot. I mean, I may have the eyes of an eagle, but I also have the brain of a dwarf. We're going to... At least someone admits it. We're going to move this direction. Towards the mountains. Yes. So if you can find him, can you come back down and locate us? Okay, here's what we can do. Scraw, and then I'll message... Get to a lower height. And then Scraw, and then I'll message you. You don't have to see me. Right. You follow...
You follow the river, the banks of the river north, or west, sorry. Yes, this way. And when I find your friend, I'll try and turn him around. If I can't, I'll just come back and find you and let him know where he is. He'll probably listen to you because you're a dwarf. Oh, I hope so. Very few people listen to me because I'm a dwarf around here. He likes you a lot. Oh, I like him a lot. I wonder, does he like ale? I'm getting ahead of myself. He shouldn't drink right now. Oh, that's probably smart. Mind of a child and all that. Yeah.
Probably a weak constitution, too. You see the beard on him? Hardly anything. That's another story. He's got a full beard. I know. He's just pulling your chain. His is probably a little more wily, though. Oh, it's Druid beard, man. It's crazy. It's got, like, birds growing in it. Awesome. Spadagast. Ooh, but not terrible. Doesn't that bird poop in his hair? He's the bird that's pooping. You guys keep on going towards the mountain. He's going to go after Greg. Okay.
I think that's where we're going to stop. That's fair. That seems like a nice little bookend to this chapter. I don't know how long we've gone. We might be a little short on time. I apologize if we're a little short, but I didn't really just want to start another half of this adventure and then be like, all right, no meaningful resolution. We're just going to stop there. So I apologize if we're kind of a little short tonight, but that is going to do it for this week's episode. This is fun. Okay. For the record, Varn Orebreaker, he comes to us courtesy of Corey Newton. Oh, that's awesome. He is one of our Patreon NPCs. He submitted Varn. Apparently he's played Varn for several years, a reformed fighter turned druid.
Very cool character. I was drawn to it right away. I love the idea that it was a druid being in the forest of Durhaven, so it fit right in. And a dwarf, obviously, was just perfect timing to meet up with Greg and his state. If the other NPCs are going to be like this, this is kind of like a nice little care package for us. I know. It's real. I mean, it makes my job worlds easier, because I don't have to come up with interesting NPCs. They're just handed to me. So thank you guys. Seriously, we've still got seven more to go through, and Varn's not gone yet, so we've got...
worlds of material here that we can draw from. So thank you, Corey. Props to my man, Corey Newton, for being a patron and also for providing us this really cool character. So seriously, man, thank you a ton. You should all give him a round of applause in your cars while listening to this. So that is going to do it for this week's episode of Sneak Attack. Again, thank you so much. If you liked what you heard, let us know. Hop on our Twitter account, at Sneak Podcast, or you can leave us a podcast review in the service of your choice. One last time, thanks to my boy, Corey, for that write-in. I appreciate him very much. That is going to do it for this week's episode of Sneak Attack. My name is Reed. I'm the host and DM of this original D&D adventure. To my left, we have Okio, Milo, and Graek. Thanks, everyone. Oh, wait. And Burger Cargo.