Episode #14: When You Finally Stop Leaving Yourself

Most of your life, you’ve been leaving yourself.Not physically. But emotionally.When things get hard, you leave. When things get uncomfortable, you override. When things get painful, you distract.The first abandonment and the one that has likely established that deep fear of being abandoned is when you as a child first abandoned yourself.Abandoned yourself to fit in at schoolAbandoned yourself to make your parents happy, proudYou’ve been abandoning yourself for ages.For many, this is the start of if not the original wound.But what happens when you finally stay?The Pattern You Don’t See AnymoreLet me paint you a picture.You wake up anxious. But instead of being with that anxiety—instead of engaging and asking it what it needs—you override it.You push through.You caffeinate.You revert to one of your coping mechanisms.You tell yourself to get it together.Someone hurts your feelings. But instead of honoring that hurt, you make excuses for them.You tell yourself you’re being too sensitive.You abandon what you feel; in order to keep the peace.You say yes when you mean no.You stay when you want to leave.You perform when you need to rest.And you do this so often that you don’t even realize you’re doing it anymore.You’ve forgotten what it feels like to stay with yourself.What Happens When You StopFirst, you begin to notice.You feel the anxiety rising—and instead of immediately reaching for your phone or the next task—you pause.Now ask: “What’s happening right now? What am I feeling? What do I need?”At first, you might not have answers. Because you’ve been running for so long, you don’t even know what you’re running from.But you stay anyway.And something starts to shift.Second, parts of you that have been waiting start to emerge.The part that feels scared. The part that feels inadequate. The part that carries the old wounds.These parts have been locked away because every time they tried to get your attention, you left. You distracted yourself. You told them to be quiet. You ignored and confined them to the shadows.But now you’re staying. And these parts start to come forward—not to overwhelm you, but to finally be accepted, to be seen.When you can listen to what they’ve been trying to tell you, you realize: they’re not the enemy. They’re just parts of you that have always just needed you.And now you start to show up for them.Third, your relationships start to change.When you stop abandoning yourself, you stop tolerating people who abandon you. Not in a harsh way—but you can no longer sit with the feeling that it stirs up you can no longer unsee.The relationships where you had to shrink to fit start to feel too small. The people who only wanted you when you were performing start to fall away.Not because you’re being difficult. But because you’ve tasted what it feels like to not abandon yourself. To be with and to honour Self.And you can’t go back.Fourth, you come home.All these years of abandoning your Self, you’ve been away from home. Out there. Performing. Proving. Seeking. Looking for something outside yourself to make you feel okay.But when you stop abandoning your Self, you realize: home was never out there.Home is here. Home is internal - the relationship with your Self is the most important relationship you will ever invest in.And when you come home—when you finally stop running and just allow yourself to be here—you will remember that everything you were looking for was already here.You Can StopYou don’t have to keep abandoning yourself. You don’t have to keep running. You don’t have to keep overriding what you feel and need.You can stop. And when you do, you’ll discover the real you—not the performed version, not the acceptable version, but the one who’s been waiting all along.You were never alone. You always had you.You just had to stop leaving.If you’re ready to stay with yourself, I’ve created a meditation to support you in this return.🎧 Listen: “Reclaim Your Power: Return To Self”Insight Timer | YouTubeThis practice guides you back to the parts of yourself you’ve been running from—with gentleness, with presence, with the promise that you won’t leave.Ask TariI want to hear from you:What’s one way you’ve been abandoning yourself lately? And what would it look like to stay instead?Hit reply and tell me. I read every response.Honour your truth. Keep growing. Keep becoming.TariP.S. If this resonated, would you forward it to someone who needs to hear it? Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is remind each other: you don’t have to keep leaving yourself.=======Connect with me:Insight TimerInstagramYouTubePodcast:YouTubeSpotifyApple Get full access to Tariro Mundawarara at tariromundawarara.substack.com/subscribe