Episode 15: Nobody to Blame but Myself

Episode OverviewJane returns for her second appearance on Middle-Aged Mama Drama™ to talk about the difference between blame and guilt, matrescence for women who became mothers later in life, and what changes once the kids grow up and the parents get older too.As a physician and single mother by choice to two young-adult children, Jane’s perspective is shaped by intention, self-reliance, and hard-won boundaries.The conversation moves through parenting without a model, generational differences, empty nesting, and the sandwich generation reality of caring for aging parents while still supporting grown kids.Key Topics• Blame versus guilt for middle-aged mothers• Matrescence and the identity shift of becoming a mother later in life• Parenting without a model: the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants method• Generational differences between Gen X parenting values and Gen Z kids• Building grit and tenacity in the next generation• Known donor conception, half-siblings, and building community• Empty nesting and redefining success• Sandwich generation life: aging parents and launching adult kidsEpisode Statistics• Jane had her two children at ages 38 and 39• She is a single mother by choice, using a donor to have her children.• Her kids are now 19 and 20• Her children’s donor has fathered fewer than 20 kids, many of whom stay in touchEpisode Highlights[00:00:00 - 00:03:00] Welcome Back, and the Blame Versus Guilt QuestionJane returns for round two. Shelley opens with the distinction that blame is about who caused something, guilt is about the judgment of it. For middle-aged mothers who made deliberate, informed choices about when and how to become parents, there’s less room to say, “I didn’t know it would be this hard.”[00:03:00 - 00:07:00] “I Had Nobody to Blame but Myself”Jane talks about choosing to be a single mother and how it is different from becoming one by circumstance. You go in knowing roughly what you’re signing up for. She describes moving from daycare to a nanny, changing jobs, and figuring out what worked, all before her second child arrived. She says it wasn’t guilt she felt, it was responsibility.[00:07:00 - 00:13:00] Matrescence, Later in LifeShelley introduces Matrescence, the developmental shift of identity that comes with becoming a mother, and compares it to adolescence. For women who had children later, there’s a longer timeline of an independent, established identity before the motherhood shift. Jane reflects on her own version of it: four adult years of freedom before choosing motherhood, and a sense that the change was more about new responsibility than lost identity.[00:13:00 - 00:18:00] No Model to FollowJane never read the parenting books. No gentle parenting, no attachment parenting, no conscious parenting. Her method: support, guidance, opportunities, and a lot of showing up. She socialized her kids early, kept naps sacred, and brought them along to work when she had to. Shelley points out that none of the popular parenting models were built with older, single, or working mothers in mind.[00:18:00 - 00:22:00] Gen X Values Meet Gen Z KidsBoth women are Gen X, raising kids two generations behind them. Jane never felt like she was drowning in parenting content the way younger mothers describe. Shelley talks about the self-reliant, don’t-complain Gen X parents raising Gen Z kids who talk openly about mental health and boundaries. Both agree there’s a value in both experiences.[00:22:00 - 00:29:00] Grit, Tenacity, and the Noodles and Company MeltdownJane worries her kids give up before they try. Shelley tells the story of her daughter melting down over asking a restaurant to fix an order, and getting discouraged when a job application didn’t get an immediate response instead of following up. Jane’s advice: keep showing up, stay interested, ask again.[00:29:00 - 00:30:00] A Word From... No One (Sponsor Break)A short break in the middle of the episode. Shelley pops in to note there’s no sponsor yet, invites businesses who want to support her work building a community and resources for middle-aged moms to reach out, and points listeners to the tip jar in the show notes with a ‘buy me a coffee’ button.[00:30:00 - 00:33:00] Where Guilt Actually Showed UpJane names guilt moments: missed preschool events, a school play she caught at dress rehearsal instead of the official performance because she had to travel for work. Shelley reframes it. Guilt isn’t a verdict, it’s information, and it usually points to a value. In Jane’s case, that value was showing up and being present for her kids.[00:33:00 - 00:36:00] Letting Go and Self-CompassionShelley names self-compassion as the foundation missing from most parenting models, which center the kids and rarely the mother. Jane’s version of that same idea: you can’t be everywhere, you can’t follow one kid around all day if you have more than one kid and a job, and accepting that isn’t failure.[00:36:00 - 00:40:00] “Well Done. We Did This.”Jane is a relatively new empty nester with a son and daughter both away. Her take: her job was to raise independent kids who could move on, and she did it, so there’s nothing to be sad about. She shares a moment with a longtime friend who summed it up simply: well done, we did this. Now she’s turning attention toward self-care and figuring out retirement.[00:40:00 - 00:46:00] Sandwich Generation Life and the Donor FamilyJane is caring for aging parents in their eighties while still financially and emotionally supporting her young adult kids. She’s also built an open relationship with her children’s donor, who has fathered fewer than 20 kids total, several of whom stay in touch, including a shared trip and a half-sibling’s bat mitzvah. She calls it another form of connection her kids will have long after she’s gone.[00:46:00 - 00:49:00] Jane’s Advice to the CommunityJane’s closing message: if you want a family, don’t wait until it feels too late, and know there’s more than one path to becoming a mother. She has no regrets about her timeline or her choices, and encourages listeners to find others who’ve walked a similar road instead of assuming they’re the only one.Blame Versus GuiltBlame is about who caused something. Guilt is about how we judge that. For middle-aged mothers, the story often gets rewritten as “we should know better,” which raises the bar and shrinks the room for grace.What’s Different for Middle-Aged Moms:• Higher self-imposed standards because of experience and resources• Less room to say, “I didn’t know it would be like this”• Guilt as information that points to a value, not a verdict against youMatrescence for Women Who Became Mothers LaterMatrescence is the identity shift that comes with becoming a mother, similar to the physical, psychological, and emotional shift of adolescence. For women who had children later, there are simply more years of an established, independent identity before that shift arrives, which can make the change feel more sudden.What Shows Up:• A longer stretch of independence before the identity of “mother” gets added in• Less time built around someone else’s needs, which can make the shift feel like whiplash• More self-knowledge going in, which can soften how disorienting the shift feelsKey Quotes“Blame is about responsibility, like who caused something, and guilt is about the judgment of that thing.” — Shelley“I had nobody to blame but myself. I made a conscious decision to move forward.” — Jane“Guilt is really just information, and it usually points to a value.” — Shelley“My job was to raise my children to be successful, to want to be independent, to move on to the next phase of their life. I’ve done that. I can’t be sad about that at all.” — JanePractical TakeawaysFor Middle-Aged Mothers:• Notice whether what you’re feeling is guilt or blame. They call for different responses• Let guilt point you to your values instead of treating it as a verdict• You don’t have to attend everything to show your kids they matter• Self-compassion is the foundation for strong parenting.For Single Mothers by Choice and Those Considering Donor Conception:• An open donor relationship can give kids lasting connection to half-siblings and extended family• Building community with other donor families early makes it feel normal for kids, not unusual• A support system, whether it’s a nanny, friends, or family, matters more than doing it aloneFor Empty Nesters:• Raising independent kids who leave is the goal• Redirect the energy that used to go to daily parenting toward self-care and long-term planning• You can still be a sandwich generation caregiver even after your own kids are launchedResources MentionedRelated Episodes:• Episode 12: Jane’s first interview on Middle-Aged Mama Drama™• Episode 6: Shelley’s teenage daughter and a friend on having older parentsConcepts Discussed:• Matrescence• Guilt as information versus guilt as verdictCommunity:• Single Mothers by Choicehttps://www.singlemothersbychoice.orgCall to Action• Share this episode with a friend who chose motherhood later in life• If you’re navigating donor conception or single motherhood by choice, reach out. We’d love to hear your story• Subscribe and leave reviews to spread awareness• Email: [email protected]: Our community is stronger and better because you are in it.You belong here exactly as you are. Get full access to Middle-Aged Mama Drama at shelleybee.substack.com/subscribe