Episode 19: Mansplaining

This week on The Living Experiment, we're talking about "mansplaining" — that dynamic where men sometimes explain things to women in condescending, clueless, or less-than-respectful ways. Perhaps a man persists in explaining something that a woman already knows. Perhaps he talks over her attempts to express her own point of view. Or perhaps he holds forth in some way that generally does not honor his listener as an equal. Mansplaining has become a popular term and a hot topic over the past few years, and because it's such an common source of stress and strife in our world, we also see it as an important and under-recognized health issue. So in this episode, we talk about the origins of the word "mansplaining." We share our personal experiences with it and discuss how increasing our awareness of it can help men and women communicate in more constructive, mutually satisfying ways. Finally, we serve up some experiments to help you notice how mansplaining might be showing up in your life — and what you can do about it. "Mansplaining" Episode Highlights Dallas's eye-opening (and sometimes disturbing) journey through Rebecca Solnit's book, Men Explain Things to Me (4:00) Defining the term "mansplaining" — via examples and Solnit's own words (9:00) How the mansplaining dynamic can create a chronic, internalized stress that may manifest as physical illness (11:10) Pilar's experiences with mansplaining at work (12:55) and in a dating relationship (15:25) The ways that women's pent-up frustrations may suddenly surface, and why those eruptions tend to have less-than-healthy outcomes (18:15) How mansplaining was modeled and adopted in Dallas's family (20:10) The devaluing of women's experience and knowledge, by both the man doing the mansplaining and the woman being mansplained to (21:25) A recent mansplaining incident in Pilar's current relationship (23:30) Practical solutions for men and women, beginning with awareness (26:10) Pilar's perspective shift transitioning from a women's college to a workplace where men ran the show (26:55) Dallas's key takeaways from his new awareness of mansplaining — the consequences of devaluing the unique and critical perspective of half of the human race (28:35) The intersection of three themes from episodes of The Living Experiment — shame, scarcity mentality, and mansplaining (31:00) The value of asking "interested" vs. merely "interesting" questions, and how this can help produce richer, more rewarding conversations (32:45) The physical reactions women may experience in response to mansplaining scenarios  (35:45) In-depth analysis of the two options for responding to mansplaining — suck it up or intervene (36:30) When responses to mansplaining lead to lose-lose scenarios (38:05) Finding context for the frustration (39:10) Dallas's call to men to take responsibility and change the dynamic (41:15) The importance of evaluating the stress and depleted pleasure caused by mansplaining, at work and at home, whether you're a man or a woman (42:15) Suggested experiments for the week (43:55) This Week's Experiments Dallas suggests: 1) For men: Pay attention to how you speak to women, notice when you're mansplaining, and own up to it in the moment it happens. The woman may already be frustrated, and you may have already damaged your conversation and relationship. Call yourself out and take responsibility. Behavior change is important, but even more powerful is stopping and acknowledging the behavior in the moment because it defuses harm and allows the tone of the conversation to reset. 2) For women on the receiving end of mansplaining, intervene with the man in a constructive way.  Share how you are feeling, raise the issue, and indicate that you want to advance the conversation together in a mutually respectful way. If you notice anger rising, ask whether it's commensurate with the situation or a disproportionate response driven by your personal history. Recognize that blasting the man doesn't help solve the problem of the millennia behind you. He may have no idea that what he's doing is being received by you as disrespectful; he may have been trying to impress you with his knowledge or share something he thought you'd find helpful and interesting. Pilar suggests: 1) Read Rebecca Solnit's thought-provoking essay, "Men Explain Things to Me", to get a sense of why this issue matters so much, and carries so much social, emotional and political charge. 2) Start noticing mansplaining on television, the radio, or wherever you overhear conversations. Witnessing it occurring around you allows you to observe it more objectively and consider how you might handle it if you were to find yourself in a comparable situation. Seeing examples through the lens of history (watching period pieces, on Mad Men, etc.) can help make you more aware of when it's happening in your own midst. Get full show notes and resources at http://livingexperiment.com/mansplaining/