Episode 206: Family Buttons Around the Holidays

Ask Me Anything "I was 35 years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself and still care about my mother the way I wanted to, not the way she wanted me to."  Take a step back and observe.  I tell myself, mouth shut. If you are using your mind to govern your brain while you are with family over the holiday and you start to spot the stuff going on. You can simply remain quiet and just observe it: Maybe go to the kitchen. Make yourself a cup of tea.  Make yourself a cup of coffee. Go to the bathroom. Say, "You know what? My legs are a bit stiff. I'm going to go for a walk." Understand that you don't need to be trapped into it. You can observe it and can choose how you are going to respond to it. I also recommend bringing some sort of a journal. I also find that if there is a pet in the house, that's a great always a great diversion to go to the pet if you need a touchstone because animals are the presence keepers. Drop the rope. The best frickin' piece of advice I can give is when somebody goes at you, respond in kindness. It's not that you're not participating. It's that you're taking care of yourself. Just for this holiday. Take care of your emotional self. Say less. Be kind. Be there for others. Here's an old thing I've used to use quite a lot, put on your bubble suit. When you get to where you are arriving or if you're taking a train or a plane, go to the public restroom, and bend all the way down to the floor. Imagine yourself stepping into an imaginary bubble suit. Pull it up around your head. Clench it tight and know that in your little bubble suit, you are safe and secure.