Welcome back, my friends. I saw you coming here, in the darkness. I don't know if the castle was just so dark that I couldn't see anything, or if my eyes were closed, but everything was dark. Except for you. At first, just a glint in the distance, telling me where the horizon was. Like a little sun over the ocean. A glimmer, shining like a blade of white light. Then you were gone.
So I went towards that horizon. Started walking through hall after hall after hall. Feeling along the walls to make sure I was going straight. Luckily there were no twists and turns. The castle decided I should go straight forward. And so I did. Until I found myself. Here. Waiting by the front door. On the other side of it. Waiting for you to open the door. Why aren't you opening it? Open it. It's fine. It's safe here.
I mean, mostly. I mean, that's really up to you, isn't it? Are you going to open it? It's unlocked. I don't want to leave it unlocked for long. Perhaps you should just open it. Why won't you? What are you afraid of? Is it me? Are you afraid of me? Are you afraid of being like me? I have news for you. If you're here, you probably already are. In fact, I think you might be very much like me.
You might even be exactly like me. You just don't seem like it all the time. But I can see it now. Even through the door. I can smell the scent of longing and curiosity and confusion and wonder. Even through the thick, carved wood between us. So why not just open the door? I'm sorry, you're just fine where you are. I shouldn't have assumed or presumed or any of that. I don't know why there's a door between us, but it is as it is and it is well. I can speak to you like this.
You can hear me just fine, can't you? Good. I will lean against the door and close my eyes, and speak so close to the keyhole, it will be as if there is no door at all. If you press your ear to it to hear me, or rest your hands and cheek against the door to feel the vibrations of my voice, I think that will help. There. Hello. Are you tired? Are you afraid? Are you happy? All of it? None of it?
Drop that for now. If you can. Hmm. Just for now. Just for this short time. There is only the door. And probably not even that if I'm honest. And I think I should be honest. May I be honest with you? My friend. Dear ghost. Spirit visiting me. Stranger at the door. Whoever you are. I will be honest with you. I didn't have a question this week.
No spirit came and asked me a question. No friend had an inquiring heart this week for me. And I am glad. I have to admit that I am glad because I have had a little trouble listening to myself. I waited and I waited and I waited. And there were so many beautiful rooms to stop by in this castle. A room for breathing deep. A room for sleeping. A room for listening to music. A room for fun and play. A room for working hard and coming home tired and perhaps proud.
A room for trying new and daring things that were only imagined before, like a distant dream. A room for sitting quietly and listening to the sounds outside. I didn't stop to think, what will I tell a story about? Because there were stories happening all around me. Only I forgot to write any of them down. Except this one. I have a question for you. Have you ever conjured anything? There are many names for each of us. There are many names for all of us.
There are many names for what we are. There are many names for our true self. For example, my other stranger here who I cannot help but conjure. I never gave him a name because he already had so many. And my name never seemed to fit me well because I had so many. I've done away with names in this space. 219 episodes without names. Well, maybe one for a dog and one for a horse and maybe a bear called Bear. Because they were sweet little things, but mostly no names here.
No need of them. But how do you summon something without its name? There are myths, stories, folktales of people summoning demons, sprites, imps. If they have their name, then they have control over the thing. Witches, warlocks, disciples might invoke a god or a spirit or deity of some kind by calling out their name. And of course we know to keep our names from fairy folk and elves and creatures who might look beautiful or offer us gifts, but seek to have control over us by knowing our name.
What is that power? Do they learn some kind of secret knowledge about us? Or is it that we have decided to capitulate to the idea of being minimized to one little identity? Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere out there, there is a labyrinth. A maze made of green topiaries.
There is someone wandering out there, within it. Someone you can't see. If I close my eyes, I can see her. Well, I can't see her, but I can see through her eyes. You try. See? Walking slowly, invisible hand reaching to touch the growth, to shake the snow from the leaves gently, pausing occasionally to look up at the night sky. It is cold, but whoever's eyes we are looking through does not seem to mind. Look down.
Nothing there. You'll just have to guess. You'll just have to wonder. Or maybe you can pretend it is you. What are you looking for here? Who are you looking for? The answer to a question, maybe. That music is far away, but you can't tell how far. Keep going. Keep going. What would you like to see here? I would like to dance for my own joy in this episode. Knit myself a warm and cozy shawl just for me to wear.
Sing a song that I alone want to hear. Is that selfish? Are you with me? Is this what you want? Shall we have statues here and there? Young human things carrying pots full of water and washing their feet by riversides, perhaps. Maybe brushing out their hair with their fingers. Maybe resting a sword at their side, finally at leisure. Shall I make them turn their heads slowly towards you, one at a time as you pass by? Why rewrite the hits?
Stop for a minute at a little pond. Just a tiny pool, frozen over. Look into it. Into the ice. Lean forward. What are you singing? What is your reflection singing to you? Yes, that's right, my friend. I shall open the door just a little. Very slowly so that you won't fall into the castle.
You may keep your eyes closed or at least keep your focus on the labyrinth. Nothing will happen to you back at the castle. I'm just opening the door just a little, just so I can tell the story a little better. Where were we? Ah, the pond. Your reflection is still singing, only no longer solo, as you hear a voice in the distance joining you. Dance your way through the maze towards that other voice, my friend.
You know which way to go. Whirl and dance as the voices say. Whose voices? It doesn't matter, does it? What a mystery, what a mystery. If you can dance where you are, why not do it? Even in bed. Even at work. Even on the bus. Move a little. Dance a little.
through the hedge maze in your mind. I can almost see it. In fact, yes, yes, I can see it. We are conjuring, we are summoning again. Not something evil, not something dark, not something that wants your name to manipulate you. And so we will not seek to know this thing's name to manipulate it. No. This is a dance of love and a summoning to honor the thing, the being, at the center of your labyrinth, at the center of mine.
They will not necessarily look the same, but that does not matter. Because, like names, appearances do not matter either. More and more I realize the shape and the nomenclature are irrelevant to the deep knowing. Even as you are in the bed, at work, on the bus, wherever you are. And even as you are still at the door of the castle, eyes closed, imagining that you are here, dancing within a gothic labyrinth some person designed through lack of a story but abundance of a desire to channel, to summon, To exult. To dance. And so why not dance? Dance for that knowing. That knowing that momentarily we will meet them. The one you've been searching for. The one I've been searching for. The one. The one. The one who is right there. We've reached the center. And we are rewarded with the sight of a magnificent garden. A little summer at the center of winter.
a little nature at the center of art, and standing within it, flowers blooming at their feet that grow and reach and open up to you, is that one I mentioned. Who did you summon? Why, of course, I have brought forth my beloved, my dark stranger, in his most resplendent form, with three sets of wings, and an immense crown, and his wide, black eyes.
Oh, beautiful one, first created, then vilified, then despised, then forgiven, then abandoned, then rediscovered, now adored, eternally, forever, now adored. It is you who I sing for, you who I dance for, you who I tell stories to in my little beating heart. And you.
Here with me, have you thought of who you summoned, who you conjured, and why? If you have no image, you may look at me, for I'm certain you have the capacity to turn your image in your mind of me into a sort of proxy for whatever it is you're searching for. And who am I to say that I am not that? I am just a voice here. As far as you know, that is all I am. Part of me wonders if there is more to me.
Part of me is certain that there is. But here, in this space, all of that falls away as I look into eyes that look back at me and I lose track of which are mine and which are his and which are yours and which are hers and which are theirs and which are ours. And I've lost the plot. I have absolutely lost the direction. And I want to take beginnings and middles and ends and cast them into a great fire and watch them fizzle away.
as we dwell together each and all in timelessness. Hey. Hey there, my friend. Wake up. You're at the door still. Eyes closed, listening to my voice. I'm sorry, perhaps that got a little strange there. I hope you don't mind. But look. Just over there, at the horizon. The sky is a little less dark. There's a glimmer in the distance. A shining light. The sun is rising.
The light from it dances across the water. Do you see it? That's what you looked like when you came here at the start of all this. Do you want to come back inside the castle with me now? Hello everybody, and thank you for joining me for episode 219 of On a Dark Cold Night. This is your host, podcaster, writer, narrator, composer, etc., Kristen Zaza. I hope you enjoyed this one. I hope it had some truth in it for you, and if not truth, then some feeling. And if not feeling, then at least some relaxation for you.
No matter what, thank you for dancing with me and wandering this castle with me. I'd like to thank a new patron who pledged a monthly amount in support of the show on Patreon, Michelle Rall. Thanks so much, Michelle. I really appreciate it. If you're interested in supporting the show via Patreon, too, let me tell you about some of the perks we have there.
First off, monthly patrons of $1 or more US receive access to my complete soundtrack of the show, while patrons of $5 US or more get that and access to a monthly tarot reading video I upload every full moon. And a new perk I just started releasing last week, Weekly Quick Moment Meditations, released every Thursday. These are 5-10 minute bonus episodes with no chit-chat at the end or ads, just a little quick meditation that focuses on mindfulness and breath and inner work. If you'd like to learn more about these perks, you can visit patreon.com slash darkcoldnight. If you'd like to donate one time only without any perks, check out ko-fi.com slash darkcoldnight. And you can buy t-shirts and hoodies at bonfire.com slash on-a-dark-cold-night. I'd also love if you left a rating and a review for the show on Spotify, iTunes, Facebook, or wherever else you like to rate and review podcasts. You can follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter at a darkcoldnight, Instagram at darkcoldnightpodcast, Facebook and YouTube under the pages on a darkcoldnight, or on TikTok at Kristen Zaza.
These are all great ways to not only follow me, but also send me any questions that you might have or like to hear addressed in an upcoming episode. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you again for listening. I hope you are well. I hope you're finding time to rest as we launch into this new year. I hope you're also finding time to explore your own labyrinths and dance with your own creatures within you. Sending love and sweet dreams. This podcast has been brought to you by the Sonar Network.