“Episode” 23: Squirrels Aren’t Moist Enough

What this episode covers

Christmas trees. Is there anything better than a really good Christmas tree? With the lights twinkling, the ornaments glinting, the squirrel that was hidden in the boughs of the tree chirping merrily as it chews on the extension cords a la Christmas Vacation, the sap that gets in your hair and makes you look like Cameron Diaz from Something About Mary after a double date, the needles that wind up in the carpet and the couch and somehow, inexplicably, in your cereal, and the smell MY GOD that Christmas tree smell like a pine-tree deodorizer just crawled up into your sinus and straight-up DIED. Also: LINKS! ROCK ME LIKE A HERMANCAIN! Wait, what. The Internet: ruining fun since 1994. Is it spring training yet? Ron Santo deserved to live to see this. And potentially set his wig on fire again. For a smart guy squirrel Creature From The Black Lagoon, Eric Schmidt can be kind of dumb. Not surprised there’s a security hole. Kind of surprised the media didn’t make a bigger deal of the 300-picture Hasslehoff gallery Zuck had on his private profile. Money, bitches. CUPCAKES. THEY ARE THE FUTURE. That’s it for this week. Note that this would have been up earlier, except I just spent 12 hours cleaning fire extinguisher gunk out of every single thing I own. So suck it.

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