Episode 24: 24 Dying because I do not die

This was a tough one. That's all I got. Love you, Matt! <img class="thumb-image" data-image="https://static1.squarespace.com/static/551def6fe4b09619c3abc306/t/56457ca7e4b03c048d1fbe5b/1447394472781/" data-image-dimensions="604x453" data-image-focal-point="0.7244444444444444,0.591715976331361" data-load="false" data-image-id="56457ca7e4b03c048d1fbe5b" data-type="image" src="https://static1.squarespace.com/static/551def6fe4b09619c3abc306/t/56457ca7e4b03c048d1fbe5b/1447394472781/?format=1000w" /> I Live yet do not Live in MeI live yet do not live in me,am waiting as my life goes by,and die because I do not die.No longer do I live in me,and without God I cannot live;to him or me I cannot givemy self, so what can living be?A thousand deaths my agonywaiting as my life goes by,dying because I do not die.This life I live alone I viewas robbery of life, and soit is a constant death — with noway out until I live with you.God, hear me, what I say is true:I do not want this life of mine,and die because I do not die.Being so removed from you I saywhat kind of life can I have herebut death so ugly and severeand worse than any form of pain?I pity me — and yet my fateis that I must keep up this lie,and die because I do not die.The fish taken out of the seais not without a consolation:his dying is of brief durationand ultimately brings relief.Yet what convulsive death can beas bad as my pathetic life?The more I live the more I die.When I begin to feel reliefon seeing you in the sacrament,I sink in deeper discontent,deprived of your sweet company.Now everything compels my grief:I want — yet can’t — see you nearby,and die because I do not die.Although I find my pleasure, Sir,in hope of someday seeing you,I see that I can lose you too,which makes my pain doubly severe,and so I live in darkest fear,and hope, wait as life goes by,dying because I do not die.Deliver me from death, my God,and give me life; now you have wounda rope about me; harshly boundI ask you to release the cord.See how I die to see you, Lord,and I am shattered where I lie,dying because I do not die.My death will trigger tears in me,and I shall mourn my life: a dayannihilated by the wayI fail and sin relentlessly.O Father God, when will it bethat I can say without a lie:I live because I do not die?Translated by Willis BarnstoneSt John of the Cross